Maggie-Baby

QTSO,

I'll admit that I'm not much for the romance genre in general, so at first I didn't go into the read with much enthusiasm. I will say that your voice is very strong and clear, with crisp sentences that don't try too hard. And you clearly have familiarity with your subject matter - as a father of two young boys, I recognize many of the situations you describe.

Also as a married father of two, I tend to bristle at scenarios like this; the lonely overworked housewife, the husband who works late who MUST be cheating, etc. I was, from my own rooting interest, pleased to find out that Greg wasn't cheating, and frankly surprised to find that I had developed a rooting interest for him.

Maggie I find as a somewhat believable character. (PS lots of us in our 30s would love it if our wives were only 15 pound overweight! And I'm sure they'd feel the same about us...). I found it frustrating that she wouldn't just talk to her husband about her insecurities and suspicions, but maybe that's par for the course for many marriages.

(By the way - if any woman touches a guy in the middle of the night the way she did in the kitchen, he's not tired any more. I don't care how long married, I don't care how tired. Guys are firefighters. Ring the bell and we can be ready in thirty seconds!).

I liked the prose (when Maggie believes that Greg sees her as like his wrench or truck but older? very nice). You have a talent for this sort of breezy storytelling.

Good luck!

Joe

What would your market be? That'd be me, for one. This is extraordinarily well written, full of life and feeling and emotion. Very, very well done. Backed. Marj.

Wow, v v well written. Who cares what the target audience is for this ... I can tell you 1 lots and lots of women.... if u can write a few more like this, stick em together as a little anthology and uve got urself a winner for about ooooooo most of the female population.

You manage to descibe maggies feeelings and inner turmoil with consumate ease and have taken erotica with married couples to a whole new believable level, without making it seem nasty and dirty.

Lets face it we all do this, well most of us, be few can describe it as well as you have done and more to the point its a natural ending to your story. its not out of context or just sitting there, it flows, and flows well.

Def well done !!

C

I sat down and read the entire thing. I felt sympathy, and I laughed and cried and rejoiced with Maggie as she reaffirmed her passion with Greg. The whole thing was well written and realistic-- there wasn't a moment where I was distracted or put off.

There was one spelling error I noticed, but I can't remember what it was anymore-- I skimmed through the first chapter (where I think I remember spotting it), but nothing stuck out.

The only thing that bothered me at all was the fact that Maggie never tells her husband that she loves him back at the end.

Though this is obviously a short story, I liked it so much that I have backed and rated it. Thanks for sharing! :D

Jasmine
Redeption

I wouldn't have read this if you hadn't changed the title LOL. (the cover just didn't grab me and I'm shallow like that. Want me to make you a new cover?)

Anyway, so glad I DID end up reading. This is very well written. It captures the emotion and complexity of your characters and their situations so well (real life situations that most adults can easily relate to).

Very rarely do I find a book on Authonomy that seems to be so breezily and well written.

Often what goes on inside a character's head will slow down the pace of a story, but I didn't find that to be the case here at all. The juxtaposition with what is going on in her head and what she does (day to day stuff) had a great effect. And your internals are natural, have great advice, and present specific images in the readers mind--the sign of well written exposition.

I have to say that the pitch sort of threw me at first, if I'm being honest. My first thought was--she thinks he's cheating and she wants to try to spice things up? If he wanted things spiced up, HE could have tried. If he's cheating, he should be kicked to the curb! But he's not, and I'm glad for that, but that doesn't change my confusion on her motivations at the start. Perhaps it can be done so that she fears he is cheating, finds out he is not, but *then* realizes she should spice things up. Not just to save her marriage, but because she wants back what they had, and if she helps get that back, then she won't be so worried he might be getting it somewhere else. Now that would be an easier motivation for me to understand. However, the truth is, Maggie's personality type is very common. In fact, you might even relate her to one of the greek gods, Athena. This type of personality is likely to blame themselves for things and side with the man's POV. I can't personally understand it, but that doesn't mean it's not a realistic POV.

I hope this feedback helps. Either way, I really think you're onto something here. Drop me a line in a month (I should be caught up on return reads by then and have shelf space) as I'd love to back this.

Good luck! (PS--I'm not looking for a return read, so if you feel the need, pay it forward to someone else).

What a refreshing read! I loved this story. I must confess that by the last chapter I was so desperate to know what was going to happen that I was a little disappointed in Greg being so controlling - I was getting quite used to Maggie having some real spunk and discovering her inner strength. Still, this was a great piece and I wish you all the best with it.

Hi Phoebe

Looking forward to reading this ;)

Here are a few comments as I go along:

The cover doesn't do this book justice in my opinion :(

CH1
Would suggest you remove the 'then' from the sentence where Maggie looks in the rear view mirror, or rethink the comma usage as it doesn't read right.

'You two!...should be 'yourselves' not 'yourself'.
Offsides should just be 'offside'
 'Greg had never played soccer, but seemed to understand the rules of soccer instinctively', I think you could drop the second 'soccer'
'an almost-pain of desire' might read better as an almost painful wave of desire or something similar. I understand what you're saying but doesn't quite have the effect you're hoping for.

A good chapter, the only thing I would say is that generally, people like to have a 'hook' at the end of a chapter to make then read on, especially a first chapter. That may be something you want to consider. But so far, so good. I feel I know Maggie, typical soccer mom bogged down with daily life, nothing too out of the ordinary and identifiable for many.

CH2
You might want to rearrange the first sentence, perhaps to start with 'that night' as there are two 'that's' in quick succession.
'he was tall but not just tall' personally I'd remove the not just tall bit.
I like the family dynamic, I think you have that down well.

CH3
No comments on this one. I like the hint that Angela might have known more than she was letting on. If I did have a suggestion it would be that it would have been nice to see a little more of Maggie-Baby. My guess is that it would have felt nice for her to be reawakened and I think in reality, she might have explored it a little more. Just danced a bit more seductively or something. She doesn't have to kiss Victor or anything, so the MC isn't compromised, but she kind of rushed off before anything really happened for her to feel uncomfortable about and CH4's start wouldn't be compromised - in my opinion.

CH4
The rain finally broke free of the clouds and dropped in fat drops on the windshield, - you have dropped and drops in quick succession. Perhaps change one of them for something else? Released instead if 'dropped in' maybe?
I'm assuming that Maggie and Paige are well known to each other? It seems a bit odd that Maggie would ask about her relationship otherwise and that Paige would speak so unguardedly?

CH5
You have exactly one thing in your calendar - doesn't quite read right
Bloody hell, has Maggie been possessed? Love the dirty talk being slipped in here :) I like that you show her hands are trembling, shows she's a little nervous. I wonder if you could expand a little?
Love the tiff after he rejects her, very realistic an well written. I'm expecting him to jump her now lol. Noo, she punched him! A bit OTT but understandable. Poor Maggie :( but yes, finally he has his wicked way with her ;) very hot! Big callouses hands...dang girl you know how to write! My only suggestion is to remove a couple of the 'oh's' that kind of passion in real life rarely translates into print.

CH6
Jeez Louise they're a it like rabbits lol great start to the chapter
I would maybe use a different word than rubbery to describe her legs. I presume you mean they're like jelly? Perhaps use trembling or something?
Ooh curveball! Talk about getting him while he's vulnerable lol very good way of getting her to ask him if he's been playing away ;)
Oomph - same with the 'oh's' in CH4 - doesn't translate well. Maybe just say he grunted as she fell on top of him?
His, well, package had softened - personally I didn't like this sentence and think it could be re-written. Resting warm and heavy on her belly :o you have a way with words, missy, but very realistic
I have to say, I'm loving the tension in this chapter, constantly switching from anger to arousal which are both so intrinsically linked at times - good job on this!
Touching him everywhere she good - should be 'could'
Didn't understand the 'during' at the end of the chapter?

Phoebe, I love this. It could do with a proof read to pick up some spelling errors etc, but liking this very much. If you do edit then please let me know, I'd happily read again. I note it's complete at 10k words which is a shame as I want more!

Highly starred and I will back soon

Silva
The Secret Diary

QTSO,

I'll admit that I'm not much for the romance genre in general, so at first I didn't go into the read with much enthusiasm. I will say that your voice is very strong and clear, with crisp sentences that don't try too hard. And you clearly have familiarity with your subject matter - as a father of two young boys, I recognize many of the situations you describe.

Also as a married father of two, I tend to bristle at scenarios like this; the lonely overworked housewife, the husband who works late who MUST be cheating, etc. I was, from my own rooting interest, pleased to find out that Greg wasn't cheating, and frankly surprised to find that I had developed a rooting interest for him.

Maggie I find as a somewhat believable character. (PS lots of us in our 30s would love it if our wives were only 15 pound overweight! And I'm sure they'd feel the same about us...). I found it frustrating that she wouldn't just talk to her husband about her insecurities and suspicions, but maybe that's par for the course for many marriages.

(By the way - if any woman touches a guy in the middle of the night the way she did in the kitchen, he's not tired any more. I don't care how long married, I don't care how tired. Guys are firefighters. Ring the bell and we can be ready in thirty seconds!).

I liked the prose (when Maggie believes that Greg sees her as like his wrench or truck but older? very nice). You have a talent for this sort of breezy storytelling.

Good luck!

Joe

This is a slice of life book. It just happens to be a slice of most wives life. It's hard not to pick up most of that lifes cliches. Your writing is excellemt so if anyone can pull it off, you can. In fact you write so well it is almost a cop-out to excploit sex. But then, someone has to do it. I've noticed that noone you have backed has returned the favor. I'll back you but expect you will respond. I usually leave a book on for the duration. A Wolf In She's Clothing. Leila Lee

Wow, v v well written. Who cares what the target audience is for this ... I can tell you 1 lots and lots of women.... if u can write a few more like this, stick em together as a little anthology and uve got urself a winner for about ooooooo most of the female population.

You manage to descibe maggies feeelings and inner turmoil with consumate ease and have taken erotica with married couples to a whole new believable level, without making it seem nasty and dirty.

Lets face it we all do this, well most of us, be few can describe it as well as you have done and more to the point its a natural ending to your story. its not out of context or just sitting there, it flows, and flows well.

Def well done !!

C

What would your market be? That'd be me, for one. This is extraordinarily well written, full of life and feeling and emotion. Very, very well done. Backed. Marj.

thank you! so so much!

I apologize, Smooth, this comment was snarky. I was tired last night and I should not have taken this tone with you.

The story IS very well written, although a little past my comfort level. However, I'm still stuck on the market thing. I think there are people who will want to read it, but I'm not sure who your publisher would be. It's not technically a romance (neither are most of mine) because the characters are married. I wish you well with it, and hope you'll accept my apology.

No . . .dude. We're totally cool. I wasn't really thinking about markets when I wrote it. I have no idea what to do with it now.

What would your market be? That'd be me, for one. This is extraordinarily well written, full of life and feeling and emotion. Very, very well done. Backed. Marj.

um, married sex is great and all, but maybe you went too far with this. what would your market be?

I apologize, Smooth, this comment was snarky. I was tired last night and I should not have taken this tone with you.

The story IS very well written, although a little past my comfort level. However, I'm still stuck on the market thing. I think there are people who will want to read it, but I'm not sure who your publisher would be. It's not technically a romance (neither are most of mine) because the characters are married. I wish you well with it, and hope you'll accept my apology.