History

- History by Joe Pace -

I enjoyed reading this a lot. ‘History’ is one of the most polished books I’ve come across on the site and it’s full of imaginative plot, fascinating characters and the author’s vast learning worn lightly.

The premise is excellent, one of those that makes you think, ‘Dammit, why didn’t I think of that?’ In my work as a teacher of English as a second language, one of the discussion activities I sometimes use is the ‘fantasy dinner party’ where the students get a list of fifty people from history and can only invite 8 to dinner so have to decide on which. ‘History’ reminded me a lot of the activity. As I read through the sections that take place in the afterlife I was constantly pulled further by the desire to find out who would pop up next and hoping for certain people to appear (I am something of a Byzantine history fan/geek so was very pleased by the appearance of Justinian, although I was rooting for Belasarius to turn up from then on too :)

As you read you feel comfortable that you’re in the hands of an accomplished storyteller, someone who knows where he wants to take you and how to take you there. For that reason I have more or less squat to say on technical points or suggestions for improvement. So all I can do is give my reader-reaction as I progressed through the first 8 chapters.

One more remark before I get onto those chapter by chapter comments: I don’t know whether I read too much into this or read it wrongly but the further I went, the more I began to see a very clever commentary on the nature of history itself – going back to the old question of whether one man makes history or whether history makes the man. There are also a few wry commentaries on history in there too, like the old nugget ‘History is lies agreed upon.’ This deeper level to the story is something both LitFic fans and history buffs are sure to appreciate.


Reader-reactions to each chapter:

Chapter 1

-An explosive, wry and darkly comic start with the account of Jack’s death. It draws the reader into the story immediately.

-That feeling of smoothness to the writing and a sense that you’re in capable hands is there from the off.

-That transition period, between death and the afterlife. I’m not sure I was really feeling it. Felt like an opportunity to have a little supernatural/fantastical/emotional flourish but it passes by in a fairly straightforward manner.

-I had a little difficulty picturing the office in the afterlife. This was resolved in chapter 2 though.

Chapter 2

-I began to notice the way of using relatively spare and simple writing to convey a lot here. Very effective.

-I liked all the name-dropping during Jack’s induction to the afterlife. It reminded me a bit of the opening scene in The Master and Margarita.

-‘Abraham of biblical notoriety,’ made me smile.

-Jesus turning the position down. Bloody typical. Such a troublemaker, that one.

-Where we hear that no-one really knows how, when or why the whole system of governance was set up – I couldn’t be sure because of the stage I was at but I wondered whether this was something of a cop-out, where the author just doesn’t want to invent/explain the reasons or whether it’s because it becomes clear as a plot twist later on.

-The explanation of the system of governance did have me re-reading paragraphs as I found it quite difficult to get straight in my head at times.


Chapter 3

-Very pleased that we get Jack’s history and pre-history too.

-Athens, Tennessee. Very clever. I get what you’re doing there.

-The first paragraph is a superb example of scene setting and takes you right into the time and place. I particularly liked the of-the-time names, like Fighting Jim, which are incredibly evocative.

-The great thing about this chapter is how it neatly ties so much in history together through its characters: The American Civil War, the First World War, World War Two….

-‘modest litters of five and seven children.’ Funny and a deft way of showing the attitudes of time we are in.

-The only nit I had with this is why the chapter is headed ‘1942’ when it spans across several years.


Chapter 4

-This was largely one of those necessary, moving on, chapters I felt. But no less entertaining for that. The Burr-Hamilton anecdote is very entertaining and one that I was not previously aware of and there is a good sense of portent introduced at the end which will keep the reader moving on.

-Nitpick: ‘Hamilton frowned and nodded, as if seeing Jack’s point.’ I didn’t think ‘as if seeing Jack’s point’ was necessary here.


Chapter 5

-This chapter introduces more of Jack’s backstory and we see a lot of characterization in his learning.

-The conflict within the family, the competition between mother and father over the son’s affections, is very well realized and adds an emotional depth to the story.

-Intellectual depth comes through the quick flourish of Gaelic and Jack’s study of the great classical and Enlightenment philosophers.

-The ending is well played and a fair shock to the system.


Chapter 6

-Here the afterlife section becomes a lot more fun, with more fantastical elements like the ability of the souls there to determine their own appearance.

-Big tick for the introduction of Justinian!

-The comparison of Van Gogh, Beethoven and Billy Joel is very funny.

-More clever philosophy here on the nature of history, what role the individual really plays.

-I started to wonder here about Jack’s wife with the brief mention of her. He doesn’t seem to be all that sad about parting from her or worry about what his death will have done to her much.

-I was still a bit confused by the system of afterlife governance, exactly what they’re doing and the hows and whys of it all.


Chapter 7

-A well-handled jump forward in time overall but I had a little trouble picturing Jack’s dramatic change in behavior. I felt like a could have done with a little more description of his degeneration from school swot and all-around nice boy to near-hoodlum. Not much, just a paragraph or so detailing a few instances of key turning points.

-Despite the events previously, I still couldn’t understand why Ethel wouldn’t like, or at least be at home, in her job as an archivist. She seemed to be fairly distant from her husband beforehand anyway so it was difficult to see why something that had previously caused her so much joy would leave her cold.


Chapter 8

-Jack as the vertex is a very clever reason for his being selected and a very satisfying turn of events for the reader.

-The reappearance of the beard as a marker of stress is both funny and a deft way to show emotion. Kudos!

-The last line is again another great employment of portent and a classic page-turner twist.

-‘In the meanwhile I suggest we eat.’ Meantime?

-Very small nit: Was Napoleon ever in any way dashing? I thought he was a bit of a pug.


‘History’ is among the most polished and accomplished books I have read on the site. The premise is excellent, the characters fascinating and the plot imaginative and engaging. Added to that, it’s every history buff’s wet dream. I’d buy it in a heartbeat.

Best of luck with it,

Ross

HISTORY

I thought the pitch was enticing. Had a different appeal and invites reading. One must certainly realize they are about to read something a little different from the get-go.

The opening chapter is pretty compelling. Unique start. Great premise. I found myself immediately drawn in and must say, this is the way you get a story going.

Clean thrifty writing made it easy for me to breeze right along with this one. Your MC (Jack) is well described and comes right to light. Identifying with him is easy. In the narrative, you might want to change some the "Jacks" to "he". You do kind of barrage the reader with his name. Just saying.....

In CH2 when confronting John Marshall I started thinking that possibly this whole manuscript would turn out to be a dream. Or maybe he had not been killed by the fall and it would be the period of recovery he spent in the hospital. At any rate, my imagination is going full blast.

In CH3 all the background at once in the narrative felt like an 'info dump'. Too much back story at once can lose a reader. I read on however as the chapters are not that long and ironically I didn't mind it that much as I am still thinking Jack is experiencing a dream. I'm wondering though. Curiosity is stimulated. Objective complete I guess.

In 4, I found the reference to the "duel" amuzing. Very clever. One could assume Hamilton's arrival in the afterlife was indeed...."abrupt." LOL.

The entire idea of this novel is interesting. The author uses this clever way of weaving history and philosophy into a story about the afterlife. The writing is crisp, the manuscript is clean and polished. The idea is marvelous. All in all, very impressive and a lot of fun to read.

As far I am concerned, this is publishable material. As for marketablility, I don't know. I am anjoying it but I would be in question as to whether it would appeal in an International market. 'Who cares' is my take on this. Anyone wanting to revisit many of the remarkable moments of American History would find this an entertaining vehicle by which to do that.

6 stars for HISTORY. Bravo for Joe Page. Original, creative and intriguing.

I thoroughly loved reading this. I cannot offer any advice other than to offer to point out line editing problems. I am worried, however, that it will not appeal to a British audience, but would only be interesting to an American one. I found it a good read as an adult reader, but I see nothing in it that would prevent it from selling to a YA audience as well. I am no help on the short pitch and full pitch, for I rarely read those and do not trust them to tell me if a book will be good.

I liked the way the chapters alternated between past and present. The MC was very sympathetic, and I felt like I bonded with him quickly. I did not see the events coming, and you kept my interest up through the entire book. The writing seems very mature, the plot well thought out, and the characters well developed. I can't think of a thing I would change. I am backing the book and hope to watch it rise as it gets more attention. In my opinion, I think it would appeal to a wide, commercial audience.

Johanna

Joe - the BHCG review. Thought I'd take a look and then having started to read just kept going. Will add I'm not a sci-fi reader usually. I've never published, nor have any literary training so feel free to do with these comments as you wish.

We're supposed to comment on the synopsis for BHCG. Short one didn't hook me, but long version was more interesting. I'd just suggest you've given me the whole story there, rather than a thread to pull. Just a thought.

Intriguing opening Chapter, perhaps because of the method you've used to start the story. The fast paced sky-dive works; I was intrigued to know why the parachute failed to open and was left wondering if that's something we'll discover later. But then the whole pace changes, and it's tweeds and a white dress shirt. It's a view of the after-life that made me pause and think. And then the link to William and Mary - very intriguing and a good page-turner.

Chapter 2 and I'm really enjoying this. Remove that sci-fi tag, this is a a real intellectual pull. Continuing with the slow pace, you weave us into thought about the afterlife in a way I personally have never considered. Normally I'd push this away, but your style works, and the odd injection of humour adds depth - the offer of a bourbon while watching his mourning wife on the monitor was spot on. Yet there is far more depth than mere flippant humour. The whole discussion of acsendancy and the various candidates flowed rapidly, rushing through history brining together characters who under normal circumstances would bear no releance to the others. Yet you've set us thinking.

I'm easily into Chapter 3. Unlike many new to Authonomy I sense you've edited; I certainly have seen no glaring typos or grammatical errors.

Chapter 3 and I'm a little lost. The writing is excellent and the story under any other circumstances would have kept me going, but I'm feeling slightly cheated. What is the link and where does this thread lead? On the basis of the first two chapter I'll keep going.

Chapter 4 and I'm enjoying this once more. You've a very precise style of dialogue for your characters, and each scene is very precise - I'm there alongside. Ok one small change - there is (are) no use for grudges in the afterlife.

With your storyline you've taken history along another notch and I'm enjoying the way you weave reality and fiction together. If I had a doubt at this stage it was the actual story itself, but with the warning that even in the afterlife there is some form of political in-fighting, perhaps worse, you've kept me turning pages.

Chapter 5 and we're back to his childhood. I'm now accepting your going to feed us information relevant to his existence in the afterlife - you've worked to make me commit emotionally to that, and I'm very intrigued now as we've a few parrallel threads.

Joe - I read 6 Chapters without pause, other than to ponder the interaction between characters and destiny. This is a very clever, and highly intellectual tug hat really makes the reader reconsider history. The overview of macro destiny is excellent. I've actually very little to suggest for improvement, other perhaps than the key characters we've met until now are almost all American and from a moment in time - but somehow I think you'll change that also. Please check my previous comments - I don't say this often - but an excellent book. Best. Steve.

Joe,

I’ve read the first four chapters and I quite like this. I enjoy history as well and found all the resurrected characters fun to read about.

I was concerned at first that jack’s waking up in an office would be clichéd but you managed to pull it off and make it interesting.

The explanation of the working of this bureaucracy were fascinating and you handled ti with humor. I appreciate that.

I don’t tend to read for grammar and punctuation. But all the same, I did not find any. Good job there.

This is definitely a book that I would read more of.

Best,

Sharon
"Lykaia"


Chapter 1:
Strong opening. I was a little worried that him waking up in an office would be a little clichéd, but you pulled it off. The last line when the man introduced himself as John Marshall was lost on me. I don’t know who that is.

Chapter 2:
This is certainly an interesting chapter, explaining how the bureaucracy worked was oddly fascinating. Your incorporating of the religions was very humorous. You mention Abraham and Moses wanting to support Judaism. They were not Jews then. They were Hebrews. That term is from one of the 12 Sons is Isaac whose name was Judah. The land he was apportioned was named Judah and the people there were Jews.

Chapter 3:
My southern grandmother called the Civil War “The War of Northern Aggression”
I like this chapter. It was like listening to family stories around the holidays.

Chapter 4
Oh, a warning. That sounds promising.

Alliance of Worldbuilders Review
HISTORY
Joe Pace

This is pleasing to read even though you kill off your main character at the very outset. What takes place for him is richly woven and filled with answers to his questions about where he finds himself. They are the same questions I would have as I read this. It's comforting to me to have an alternate scenario revealed as a possible after life. It's amazing in the detail you describe. What is amusing is the mixture of unlikely figures from history, some of which I only know their name and not actually what they are known for. I am hoping to learn a thing or two from reading this. To me, it is very well done and well written. I don't pick away at editing like some do. The story is everything and I think you have an exceptional fascinating one.

I am happy to have you on my watchlist and give more than a sprinkling of stars. I get a new batch every day and you can have all in my possession for this day. As I continue to read, I expect I will find even more that is pleasing about this novel. I would back you straightaway but have others I owe backings to before I can do that. If this goes as I think it will, you shall have my backing soon with enthusiastic support.

Best of luck.

Mary Enck
A King in Time

I read the first four chapters of 'History' and found them generally well-written. However, being English, I found it difficult to become overly-enthused about the premise. I imagine this will have far greater appeal to your American audience.

My criticism of your opening chapter is that you are in far too much of a hurry to get to your fascinating afterlife. Jack has a relatively painless impact with the earth, he wonders whether he is dead (but hopes he is in a coma), feeling returns to his fingers and then -- bingo! -- he is dressed in casual clothes with his reading glasses and pipe in the jacket pocket, but not a vestige of panic or bewilderment assails him.

Instead of trying to make sense of it (he doesn't give a moment's consideration to the accident, or how he apparently managed to survive -- in whatever sentient form -- or why he is wearing these strange clothes) he fully accepts he is dead and displays no natural curiosity that he is now in an office being addressed by a man in period costume. I'd like to see this transition from life to death handled much more naturally -- even if it's only "What the-----?"

Good luck with it.

LF40. Hurrah, an ambitious and intelligent read. Not sure about the cover though... I'm surprised this has so few backings, so I've backed it. I'm quite loyal to my shelf but time for a refresh.

The writing has a nice tempo to it and the dialogue with Marshall is great; really makes me want to find out where the story is going. I like the historical detail and you clearly know your stuff. And there's just an edge of humour to keep everything in perspective. I've read to chapter six and don't have many criticisms. The prose needs tightening up here and there, especially the opening paragraphs where the retrospective drags a little. Then at the end of chapter five I didn't like the phrase 'killed himself'. 'Pulled the trigger', or 'shot himself' maybe. I will read more so I hope there's not some terrible anticlimax, but all in all well impressed.

Hi Joe

Ultimatley, 'History' is the kind of book I'd buy at my local bookstore, read and bore my friends to death with. It reminds me of a good Michael Crichton yarn - and I mean that as a good thing. It's intelligent, but main-stream.

I read Ch1-4 and loved them. If the book was in my hands, I'd have read the lot. Authonomy-reading stopped me - not the book.

My nits:
The parachute - he's above her and he sees her chute open and instead of freefall, she goes into a graceful descent. I've never done it, but I've seen enough films to "recognise" that when the person below opens their chute, it's not graceful, but a massive jerk as they slow massively compared the POV person above them. Even if you've done it and seen it as graceful, the general perception and "knowledge" of your reader is that it ought to be a jerk. i could be very wrong here (often am) but that's how I read it.
(had been?) - detracts from him realising he's dead
Shock of black hair... but it's tied back in a ponytail, so what's "shock"ing about it? (I mean that a shock of hair is a big hair thing, but if it's tied back, is it still a "shock"?
"I can imagine..." - dialogue followed by Jack nodded. But it's not Jack speaking. MIght be nicer for the f'wits amongst us (me?) to separate it. You do this a lot. Is it deliberate? I find it confusing - which I find hilarious. I had a lot of Daisy's thoughts in the middle of other characters dialogue - people kept telling me it was hard to read, now I see why.

I loved:
"Time it took to implement it" - the Dark ages. Love it.
CH3 - family history - love it.

My only issue with "History", is that it's so bloody American. From many of the dead folk to the systems. Is the afterlife so biassed to the USA? The bits I skimmed over were the American History bits - in CH4 when he's talking to Gen. Hamilton. I suppose it's nicer than Jack meeting a load of worldwide names which might feel a bit 'Bill and Ted' but still.
By the end of CH4, I'm skimming to see what they want form Jack. But I suspect this is because I'm reading on authonomy.

Ace book.

Cx

Hi Joe,
I liked your first paragraph: you give us a good idea of these characters are their relationship straight away (bonus points for showing not telling). Tiny suggestion: how about getting rid of the first sentence, and just start straight away with "John Franklin could remember..." For me that makes it even more intriguing. But I do like the premise of that sentence - it makes me want to read on - which is what you want from an opening! I like his internal monologue, too - "time passed, or perhaps it didn't", "he didn't feel much of anything at all".
Tiny nit - you have a typo on "muscles". Very much like the "had been?"
So far (I've read chapter 1), I like it. Ordinary guy, weird things happening, writing that is easy on the eyes. Seems like the kind of book I'd want with me on a long plane ride! Generously starred and hope to drop by and read more.

very enjoyable first chapter and exciting premise. I was recommended this by Daisy. I will be reading on and shelving soon.

Joe

Wow. I've only read chapters 1 and 2 but this is one of the best books I've come across on this site. Is it my normal type of read? No. I watchlisted it after your SOS thread, and I don't quite know what I expected. Fantastic is what it is.

I like your cover. Very Obama-esque. You can tell by the cover alone that this is going to be centred around politics.

You have a great concept, very original. I loved the first chapter, your opening was great. The cause of Jack's death was refreshing, not the usual heart attack or murder. You feel that it's a tragic and early end to someone who appeared to love life. The only thing I would say, is that I would have liked more. You say he becomes aware of his impending death, and wonders if it will hurt, but I'd like to know what he's feeling. Is he panicky? Strangely calm? Granted he wouldn't have had much time, but I'd like to have known what his very last thought was,

Spartan - nice. I haven't heard the word used in that context before, I had to look up in the dictionary :)

I spotted no typos or grammar, which made this a nice and easy read, although I do think you have perhaps one too many exclamation marks...

On the whole, I think this is highly publishable, could even see film potential here. It has humour, and I liked how you brought in the historical figures.

Six stars, and I will back it soon.

Silva

HISTORY

a BHCG review/LF40 too? heh.

COVER: Can't do my normal review as its one of mine...but returning to it now...I can't believe how I never saw how much it makes me think of Barack looking at the SC.

TITLE: I don't know about that one because 1. I feel like I've seen in used before 2. I get a better feel for what you're after with it post-reading the SP/LP but hm...well, I suppose its not terrible. heh. sorry.

SHORT PITCH: I like it. Something says it could be a bit more pointed but really I think it fine.

LONG PITCH: I'd cut this into two paragraphs to give it a bit more punch. It's decent but doesn't completely convince me this text will be worth my time...and I have a feeling the writing inside will put this to shame...don't know why....

TEXT:

Enjoyed the death descriptions...as soon as the yellow was pulled I raced to read how you'd describe the impact. good.

I know you've tagged it Lit Fic and no doubt it'll grow towards it but the opening chapter really doesn't have that feel to me. Still...I liked it and wanted to read on.

For fans of reading history books, I bet this will go over well. For someone like me, who enjoys history but nothing close to a buff, it is good fun still...although the history lesson of those who have served and why -- grew just a little tiring (sorry) but by the time you got to Jesus I thought...is he going to fill me in on every major figure who served into modern times?

Hm, I don't know... just as I feel like I'm gaining interest in Jack's story and where it might go I'm thrown into a past/history of Jack's father...who...really...why should I care about? I'd almost rather have something from Jack's childhood to give me insights into who his parents were... nope, just reread it and its a quaint history of his parents and where Jack comes from but feels unnecessary. Maybe its Incredibly important to the rest of the story somehow so please forgive me if so. honestly by chp3 I'm wishing for Jack to be...challenged more rather than getting a backstory of sorts.

Hm...you know...the more I read of this the more I don't think the LitFic title fits. Dont take that as a negative please. I just think a LitFic audience wouldn't be reading something like this. I do find it fun to hear about some of the figures you've chosen to include...although it feels a bit packed with them at the moment.

Gah, and then I'm taken back to his parents again...and given so many unfamilar names of buildings/places...I wonder if this wouldn't make for a better 3rd chapter though. but yes, where is Jack's great challenge?

Well, I think there is certainly good stuff here. I hope my comments don't leave you with the taste that I didn't think it had merit...it certainly does.
Best of luck with it Joe!
-=Bradley

BHCG review.

This is supposed to be a brutally honest review and it is, I’m honest when I say this is one of the best books I have read in quite some time and I don’t just mean here on Authonomy.

Short pitch: Sufficient.

Long Pitch: and now it gets interesting, I’m enticed.

CH 1 - Joe you clearly have mastered your craft. The reader is given a wealth of description in the first paragraph which comes with the added bonus of throwing me straight into the story at a pace that is spot on.

I instantly like both Jack and Sarah and a clever positioned smile from Jack cements his love for his wife in my mind.

I’m feeling my muscles tense as I read about his impending crash to earth. I as well as Jack, wonder will it hurt.

I love simple details you throw in. A great balance of defining the character without bogging the reader down with unnecessary detail. The description of Jack arriving in the afterlife dressed in his favourite clothes helps the reader conjure an even better picture of the man we are getting to know.

I enjoyed Jacks reaction to his own death. His worry for how his wife would cope and his own shock. I really feel I am inside this main characters head.

Great length for a hooking first chapter.

Ch 2 – I am now completely hooked. I love all the name dropping. Almost feel myself being set up for some drama to come. Your take on the after-life here is inspired. I’m reading along thinking ‘yeah that makes sense’ as though were words were fact rather than fiction.

Jack finds his feet personality wise here, and we get in insight into the possible thinker that he is.
I found myself almost getting upset when Jack enquired about his wife. It’s such a natural act and it makes Jack even more real and likable for me. I love how you look at the loss from the perspective of the deceased. If the living pine for the dead then it must be equally as difficult for the dead who can no longer see their loved ones also.

It all seems so logical as I read but I am constantly thinking ‘Wow how did you think up such take on life and death.

Some real one liner gems here.

‘Jesus turning the position down. Bloody typical. Such a trouble maker, that one.’ – Absolutely brilliant. Perfect timed humour. I really love this line.

Ch 3 – A lot of back story here and on occasion I felt a little buried in it. I so like Jack and I enjoyed learning about this past but I just felt I had to push through to get back to the story I wanted to be in. ( Ok that barley makes sense to me, so I don’t know how I expect you to follow).

I admit my mind wandered here. Your writing doesn’t falter but the story appears to be stuck. But I loved your opening chapters so I will continue.

Ch 4 – And I’m happily back once again immersed in the great plot. Dialogue works very well here. You capture the art of conversation excellently, I can almost hear your characters speaking in my head.

Well Joe what more can I say - I think from my comments it is blatantly obvious I think this is highly publishable. It is polished, eloquent and just a pleasure to read. It’s no wonder it is doing incredibly well here.

I wish you the very best of luck with this.

And my apologies for possibly the most unhelpful critique you have received.

Janny

This is a tremendous example of how to make what would seem, on the face of it, a very weighty subject matter into a superb, enjoyable book. There is a lack of pompousness to the writing which lets it flow beautifully.
I love your sentence structure, which makes the book wonderfully readable. There is also a wonderfully humorous undertone to Jack's introduction into the Afterlife which stops the book descending into mawkishness.
And the fact that Jesus refused to serve in the Court because of his own divinity issues is a fabulous touch.
You've managed to make a book about the Afterlife that appeals to an atheist like myself. Can't wait to read further. Very easy to back,
Si.

Hi Joe,

BHCG Review:

I read the first three chapters, and I liked first two. In terms of plot I am now rather confused, and I might possibly read on at some stage, but the rather dry resume nature of chapter three is quite off-putting. Let us, then concentrate on the first two chapters, which, one assumes, represent the direction the majority of the book will takes. In terms of writing it’s good and clear. The old plot mechanic of the world within the world (seen in Thos Covenant, Harry Potter, Narnia and my very own Corban series) receives the new twist of a sort of afterlife bureaucracy. Bureaucracies can be pretty dull affairs, and this is probably my biggest criticism of chapter two. There’s a bit of an information dump on the reader. In my view the idea of this afterlife should be delivered to the reader (via the main character) more slowly and via different channels. Having Mr Marshall spell it out is all rather dull. There are a lot of interesting ideas in there, and it may be better to get on with the story and let them come out as and when the reader needs to know them. I like all these ideas. There may be an argument to place a woman on the panel of nine, as one would suspect sex means nothing to dead people (although I may be wrong in this in your universe), it would also be rather unfair to vote women down on the basis that childbirth and motherhood don’t qualify them for anything... Still, I digress. Where was I? Oh, yes. I like the concept, and I like the idea that we’re getting that Jack is going to end up as some cog in the mighty wheels of the afterlife machinery. Just don’t dump it on the reader all in one go.

As for chapter three, I’m not sure where you are going with that. If the majority of the story is going to happen in the afterlife (and I hope it is) then why are we interested in where Jack came from in the predeath? Does any of this information bear on the main story? Can whatever is relevant be brought in via a more pleasing channel rather than a chapter dump to get it out of the road.

Anyway, there you go. The idea is good, and I have just glanced at chapter four to find we are back in the afterlife, so I may read on. Let the reader discover the afterlife in dribs and drabs, keep them interested, give them a sense of wonder. Throwing it all out at once is more likely to turn them off. It is an interesting idea. It is a little similar to my own historical fantasy Corban and the Romans, which you may find interesting to compare (I’ve used a time travelling cave rather than the afterlife). Your idea also reminds me of the computer game Grim Fandango, the play Top Girls and the movie Beetlegeuse, or more a combination of these ideas, which has a lot of promise.

PS I hate the line “Okay, I’ll bite...”; makes your MC sound like an arse.

Jim

Joe,

Your book is rooted in Existentialism, Kafka would be proud:

“Life ceases to exist, but the semblance of life persists for those of us capable of sustaining the illusion.”

I’ve read up to chapter four. It’s obvious you’re a seasoned writer from the clarity and smoothness of the prose. The flashbacks add an interesting touch and mold seamlessly into the story. Jack is a great MC, both likeable and intelligent. Readers will be able to identify and empathize easily with this man during his unusual plight.

I’m happy to back your book!

Jaen Wirefly
Glimmers

LF40 review;

Chapters 1-5

I'm reviewing these chapters now, because I think I must be close enough to the 10k mark now. However, I will most definitely be returning.

First and foremost from a personal view point, it is so refreshing to read a work by another classicist. The whole idea had a ring of Platonism about it - that the intellectuals would have control in the afterlife. And the life after death did seem similar to how Homer portrays it, if not so sinister or miserable.

I found the narrative lively and with a good sense of humour. Your ideas were fresh and original and most of all they were easy to take in and understand. The shifting between past and present was a good idea I think and kept the story full of intrigue on two planes. Each character seemed individual and reflected this in appearance and the dialogue. Not only that, a key part of the story was the character, their humour and who are we going to meet next? I can't wait to meet Solon or Cicero.

All those positives said, its a pity that the actual text isn't as polished as it could be. There are some awkward sentences, bad punctuation and typos throughout. This is of course remediable and I'm sure you're aware of it. Its the only real problem I found with the story which I very much enjoyed.

I'm not sure how useful you may find this review - not very, I imagine - but at least you have my reaction and know that when I my exams finish I will be returning to read more. You have a fan.

Joe

BHC group review. This is certainly the book of a professional writer. The structure alone distinguishes it from the vast majority of books on this site. it is an interesting premise and well worked through the chapters without resorting to ludicrous after-life technology. Good. I liked the structure of alternating present (future) and background past, telling the story in sectors of Jack's life to add weight and significance to his after-life. I didn't cheat and go to the end, but stopped at 6.
I noticed something clumsy at the end of - I think 4 or 5. John is believing he is left with nothing. You need to omit the sentence ... somthing like 'God knows she hadn't' because it doesn't make good sense when you follow it up with 'That was bad enough'. Otherwise, this is a nice powerful chapter end.
In general, the characters of Ethel and Jack come through well. John less so, because he should have had more personal resources unless you show later why not. There's never one reason alone for someone ending their life.
Another thing, although it's immediately apparent in Ch 1 why you've chosen this title, it isn't one which would normally make someone lift it from the bookshelf. You'll need a very vibrant cover if you're not going to change it!
The plot is a good way of commenting on history in novel form. The main thrust of the tension between the historic figures is excellent - and wry.

Altogether, a v v good read. Oh! I forgot to be brutal. Lara
GOOD FOR HIM

Here are some additional structural observations. I like the descriptions of your story, but you should delve into other sensory perceptions as you focus too much on the visual. I like the clean telling. At points things are overstated. The physical aspect of this sort of story would benefit from a consistent understating.

(“Please, please, Dr. Franklin, come in.”)
After the evocation of names, 'Dr. Franklin' translates unequivocally to Benjamin Franklin.

(intricately)
This is an overused word in fiction. Intricate in what way? Offer a visual to clarify the scene.

(The walls in this room were lined)
Replace 'in' with 'of' as it clears up the possibility of the narrator jumping around too much.

(with rows of leather-bound books; a wood paneled cabinet dominated the left side of the room.)
Peculiar semi-colon. This can be slightly reworded to alleviate the need for the semi-colon as it can read like a speed bump.

(Marshall smiled again, warmly, as if trying to comfort Jack.)
If there are only two individuals in the scene there is a lot of name calling. Mixed with your good actions are sentences like these that seem childish as they have to constantly designate. Rework it until it's evident who is saying and doing what without having to call them by name.

(“Ben Franklin?” Of course. “Is he here too?” Jack glanced over his shoulder. Marshall laughed sincerely.)
This is too obvious. I'm a semi-Franklin scholar, so I'm trying to back off a bit, but this seems spoon fed.

(his ribald tastes)
More likely that such a perceived quality is more accurately an intellectual evasion to interject mischievous dialog into the ordinary American speak. The deviousness of such a wit should be analyzed for actual deviousness. Franklin's simulacra should not be taken for fact, as such assumptive indulgences are committed almost everywhere else.

(Jack was still confused, understandably.)
Who is saying that it's understandable? Leave the cerebral generalizations of the omniscient out.

(These answers were only generating more questions for Jack.)
This is understood. Cut the omniscient's stating of what is clear in the scene, or that which can be clarified by scene actions.

(Marshall motioned for Jack to sit)
Motioned in what way?

(into a more concerned look.)
Try to cut out some of these telling descriptions with actual physicality and action. Show the scene, don't say what it means, and let the reader decipher the meaning from your physical world.

(That realization brought)
Replace the word 'that.'

(He was more disturbed, however, at the distress evident on his wife's face.)
This is a telling statement for what you describe afterward. Let the physical reality of the scene tell the story.

Hey Joe. Here at last from the Alliance with my constructive criticism tools firmly in hand. The following are the notes I took as I read …

Good opening line. Instantly got my attention.

‘He could remember with strange clarity’ – surely it’s not the fact that he can remember the last moments before his death *clearly* that’s strange, but the fact that he can remember them at all? Being dead and all. But I’m probably being too picky. I have a tendency to do that.

Enjoying the read, but you haven’t linked back up to your opening yet. You said in line two ‘He could remember …’, which is an indication that what follows is his memory. All well and good. But I never spotted a moment when it stopped being a memory and returned to his present. In other words, where is he when he’s remembering dying? Is it when he’s lying facedown with nothingness all around him? Is it when he first awakes to more solid surroundings? I need just a line to ground me and tell me that we have returned to Jack’s ‘now’, the point at which the events stop being a memory and return to being the present. (I have a feeling this isn’t making much sense – let me know if you need clarification.)

Not totally convinced by his realisation of his death and the effect it will have on his family. I’m just not feeling it. Obviously you don’t want to linger over this – I mean, I don’t expect him to start bemoaning his fate for the next few pages – but I think a more visceral reaction would be useful to create empathy here. You say he found himself missing his wife immediately; well, that sorta goes without saying. What does it actually *feel* like to miss her? And I did think he accepted that he was dead a little too easily, given that his surroundings are certainly not what anyone would expect upon dying. I’d like to see more confusion, more mixed-up emotions.

Didn’t quite get why the chapter ended where it did – I felt as though it was meant to be significant but I wasn’t sure why – but googled John Marshall and it made way more sense. Not sure if this is just me being ignorant or if other UK readers might have similar blank moments. (I probably look like an idiot for not knowing, but I’ll keep this bit of the commentary in anyway, just in case other people say something similar.)

Chapter 2. Oh good, you explain Marshall for readers like me. I don’t feel quite so stupid now (though I suspect I will come face to face with my own ignorance plenty more times in what’s to follow).

‘Suddenly the name on the door made sense’ – there wasn’t really anything odd about the name on the door, in itself. Marshall is a pretty normal name. Better ‘Suddenly he understood why the man looked so familiar’ or something like that?

Really getting into this now. The idea is a brilliant one and it kept me reading through the whole chapter without stopping to be picky at all :-)

Having read two chapters, I feel that your second chapter is far better than your first. I get the impression you wanted to leap into your clever idea as soon as possible and start on the historical cut-and-thrust that is clearly the heart of the book. And I can see why, because – as I said – it’s a brilliant idea. But personally, I’d beef up the first chapter a bit – make more of Jack’s emotions, his initial confusion and fear –so that it stands in its own right rather than as a sort of introduction to chapter 2.

I’d like to read more, and I’ll probably back it if the next couple of chapters live up to chapter 2, but I want to keep my current shelf until the end of the month. So I’ll come back sometime next week. Remind me if I forget :-)

Hi Joe

This is your long overdue BHG crit - which must also double as a LF40 review. (Sorry for the delay.)

Firstly, let me point out that Sci-Fi is not my usual genre, but this really is an amazing work of fiction. You have a brilliant premise and have produced a professional and entertaining piece of literature which is highly original. Some might say that it is self-indulgent to create an afterlife full of the characters who are most interesting and fascinating to you - but if we had thought of it first, I think that all of us would have done it. :) Tell me, does he actually ever get to open the door marked 'Will Shakespeare' and meet him? I was disappointed that he walked past! LOL It is however, rather worrying to think that your vision of the afterlife is such a scheming cauldron of politics, deception and lies - I think that I personally want a bit more peace after I am dead - but nonetheless it is fascinating premise and I had no trouble reading onto Chapter Twelve....

Or should I say, revelling in the 'afterlife' chapters.....and skimming through the back story as far as Chapter Twelve. Here I suspect, is the first weakness of your novel. Yes, it gives great balance to your novel to alternate the - sometimes rather dry - conversations in the afterlife with 'telling' us the complete history of Jack, but unfortunately that is what it is - 'telling.' These sections read like a biography - not my favourite genre. Would it be possible, I wonder, to select the most relevant scenes from his history and 'show' them complete with plenty of description and dialogue? You could focus on the minutes leading up to his father's suicide for example, or a significant football match. You are obviously more than capable of this - your opening scene which showed us Jack's death was simply but brilliant done (I was hooked from the start.) This would give the reader a greater sense of drama and more empathy with Jack's character.

Jack's character is another small problem; he really is far too passive. Yes, I appreciate that you have a whole new world to unfold to your readers and at the moment Jack might not feel in a position to start making demands. But from the moment Bonaparte told him that his death had been premature and that he had been ripped away from his wife and family in an untimely fashion, I would have preferred to have seen him set out on a mission to uncover the truth about that, demanding an explanation from every passing spook. Yet, two chapters later he is far too busy laughing with Aristotle to care.... :(

Another issue I had with your characters was the very noticeable lack of women until Chapter 11 when Elizabeth I puts in an appearance (I had been wondering where she was hiding. :) Sadly, I did not like the flirtatious way you portrayed her as a scheming, young coquette - why do the fellahs get all the gravitas? She was a phenomenal world leader and adept politician. I think that this lack of female characters (apart from the one sighting of his grieving widow and the history of his 'distant' mother) may be an issue with your female readers. Whilst appreciating the fact that until recently - apart from Elizabeth I - it was all blokes who made 'History,' perhaps, when rewriting the back story chapters, you might like to redress the balance and include the POV of a couple of us gals?

Anyway, I have written far too much - and I am now worried that this may sound too negative. It is never my intention to demotivate. 'History' really is a very clever and enjoyable novel (I'm with Ross on the 'Billy Joel' moment - that one will stay with me for a while! LOL) I sincerely wish you all the best. Highly starred and backed.

Susanna
'Catching the Eagle'

Excellent. Your take on the after life is brillinat. I can see myself reading all of this book.

'History' is an entertaining and easy read with lots of philosophy and history outlined in Jack Franklin's afterlife experience. It flows along nicely and is full of insight and humour. Many varied comments have already been posted on this work and I would simply add that it all seems too simple and straightforward, this afterlife (which potentially is of huge interest to all of us of course), with information and explanation coming thick and fast at Jack, and little effort being required on his part. History for the purposes of this tale is the story of the great men and the memorable dates of the past which again feels a little easy on the reader. I felt that Jack and I as a reader should be more challenged.

Dear Joe,
A great look into the Void.
I like your take of the afterlife. I believe the readership for this genre is rather large, and I’m one of its biggest fans. Loved the way you depicted the “Court” and actually had a few giggles, reading that whole sequence between Jack and Marshal.
I want to read the whole book, meanwhile, I'll rate it with six well-deserved stars and give it a place on my shelf. Brilliant!
Maria
“Dark of the Moon”

- History by Joe Pace -

I enjoyed reading this a lot. ‘History’ is one of the most polished books I’ve come across on the site and it’s full of imaginative plot, fascinating characters and the author’s vast learning worn lightly.

The premise is excellent, one of those that makes you think, ‘Dammit, why didn’t I think of that?’ In my work as a teacher of English as a second language, one of the discussion activities I sometimes use is the ‘fantasy dinner party’ where the students get a list of fifty people from history and can only invite 8 to dinner so have to decide on which. ‘History’ reminded me a lot of the activity. As I read through the sections that take place in the afterlife I was constantly pulled further by the desire to find out who would pop up next and hoping for certain people to appear (I am something of a Byzantine history fan/geek so was very pleased by the appearance of Justinian, although I was rooting for Belasarius to turn up from then on too :)

As you read you feel comfortable that you’re in the hands of an accomplished storyteller, someone who knows where he wants to take you and how to take you there. For that reason I have more or less squat to say on technical points or suggestions for improvement. So all I can do is give my reader-reaction as I progressed through the first 8 chapters.

One more remark before I get onto those chapter by chapter comments: I don’t know whether I read too much into this or read it wrongly but the further I went, the more I began to see a very clever commentary on the nature of history itself – going back to the old question of whether one man makes history or whether history makes the man. There are also a few wry commentaries on history in there too, like the old nugget ‘History is lies agreed upon.’ This deeper level to the story is something both LitFic fans and history buffs are sure to appreciate.


Reader-reactions to each chapter:

Chapter 1

-An explosive, wry and darkly comic start with the account of Jack’s death. It draws the reader into the story immediately.

-That feeling of smoothness to the writing and a sense that you’re in capable hands is there from the off.

-That transition period, between death and the afterlife. I’m not sure I was really feeling it. Felt like an opportunity to have a little supernatural/fantastical/emotional flourish but it passes by in a fairly straightforward manner.

-I had a little difficulty picturing the office in the afterlife. This was resolved in chapter 2 though.

Chapter 2

-I began to notice the way of using relatively spare and simple writing to convey a lot here. Very effective.

-I liked all the name-dropping during Jack’s induction to the afterlife. It reminded me a bit of the opening scene in The Master and Margarita.

-‘Abraham of biblical notoriety,’ made me smile.

-Jesus turning the position down. Bloody typical. Such a troublemaker, that one.

-Where we hear that no-one really knows how, when or why the whole system of governance was set up – I couldn’t be sure because of the stage I was at but I wondered whether this was something of a cop-out, where the author just doesn’t want to invent/explain the reasons or whether it’s because it becomes clear as a plot twist later on.

-The explanation of the system of governance did have me re-reading paragraphs as I found it quite difficult to get straight in my head at times.


Chapter 3

-Very pleased that we get Jack’s history and pre-history too.

-Athens, Tennessee. Very clever. I get what you’re doing there.

-The first paragraph is a superb example of scene setting and takes you right into the time and place. I particularly liked the of-the-time names, like Fighting Jim, which are incredibly evocative.

-The great thing about this chapter is how it neatly ties so much in history together through its characters: The American Civil War, the First World War, World War Two….

-‘modest litters of five and seven children.’ Funny and a deft way of showing the attitudes of time we are in.

-The only nit I had with this is why the chapter is headed ‘1942’ when it spans across several years.


Chapter 4

-This was largely one of those necessary, moving on, chapters I felt. But no less entertaining for that. The Burr-Hamilton anecdote is very entertaining and one that I was not previously aware of and there is a good sense of portent introduced at the end which will keep the reader moving on.

-Nitpick: ‘Hamilton frowned and nodded, as if seeing Jack’s point.’ I didn’t think ‘as if seeing Jack’s point’ was necessary here.


Chapter 5

-This chapter introduces more of Jack’s backstory and we see a lot of characterization in his learning.

-The conflict within the family, the competition between mother and father over the son’s affections, is very well realized and adds an emotional depth to the story.

-Intellectual depth comes through the quick flourish of Gaelic and Jack’s study of the great classical and Enlightenment philosophers.

-The ending is well played and a fair shock to the system.


Chapter 6

-Here the afterlife section becomes a lot more fun, with more fantastical elements like the ability of the souls there to determine their own appearance.

-Big tick for the introduction of Justinian!

-The comparison of Van Gogh, Beethoven and Billy Joel is very funny.

-More clever philosophy here on the nature of history, what role the individual really plays.

-I started to wonder here about Jack’s wife with the brief mention of her. He doesn’t seem to be all that sad about parting from her or worry about what his death will have done to her much.

-I was still a bit confused by the system of afterlife governance, exactly what they’re doing and the hows and whys of it all.


Chapter 7

-A well-handled jump forward in time overall but I had a little trouble picturing Jack’s dramatic change in behavior. I felt like a could have done with a little more description of his degeneration from school swot and all-around nice boy to near-hoodlum. Not much, just a paragraph or so detailing a few instances of key turning points.

-Despite the events previously, I still couldn’t understand why Ethel wouldn’t like, or at least be at home, in her job as an archivist. She seemed to be fairly distant from her husband beforehand anyway so it was difficult to see why something that had previously caused her so much joy would leave her cold.


Chapter 8

-Jack as the vertex is a very clever reason for his being selected and a very satisfying turn of events for the reader.

-The reappearance of the beard as a marker of stress is both funny and a deft way to show emotion. Kudos!

-The last line is again another great employment of portent and a classic page-turner twist.

-‘In the meanwhile I suggest we eat.’ Meantime?

-Very small nit: Was Napoleon ever in any way dashing? I thought he was a bit of a pug.


‘History’ is among the most polished and accomplished books I have read on the site. The premise is excellent, the characters fascinating and the plot imaginative and engaging. Added to that, it’s every history buff’s wet dream. I’d buy it in a heartbeat.

Best of luck with it,

Ross

I like the action of your scene. The opening has an intense theme. However, there is a disconnect with the passive actions. This is your opening and it needs to grab the reader, yet it's told in the distant past. A quick fix could be a title blurb indicating the duration, but whatever you go with, active action is necessary for the open.
There are some good visuals here with slight digressions into a fantastical realm, which is suitable for certain types of fiction. I'm not categorizing your fiction immediately, as I'm not that far into it, but such an aesthetic pushes the boundaries of ordinary, day-to-day life.
The scene was fairly solid, be needs an active conveyance. I'll push further into the story later. Here are some observations, mostly about verb usage:

(He could remember with strange clarity the few moments preceding his death.)
Though the passive makes sense in this section, as it reviews a previous time, the actions of the opening should be adjusted for the active. 'He remembered...' and 'Sarah jumped...'

(He'd been enjoying the sheer freedom of the jump, feeling the wind rush past his face and his blue canvas suit ripple against his skin.)
Strong visual which would be really solid with active actions.

(he had seen) saw
(he had heard) heard
(He recalled pulling) pulled
(had come) came
(He had looked) looked

(Closing his eyes and whispering a desperate prayer, he'd wondered if it would hurt much.)
These are strong actions that need an active equivalent for your opening.
(hadn't been)
(There had been) was
(he could see) saw
(began to panic) panicked
(Jack began to feel)

(Jack rose, shakily. His muslces ached vaguely, but he was whole.)
Typo. Don't allow your adverbs to do too much work in succession here.

(Jack was (had been?) a solid, graying man in his early fifties with a salt-and-pepper beard and mustache, body steadily thickening but still athletic.)
The preoccupation here doesn't come through with whatever is intended. It seems more like a mix up between active and passive from the omniscient.

In the upcoming days I'll work into the body of a couple of chapters.

Hi Joe. This is your BHG crit. Not being a professional writer makes me nervous about giving these, but then I remind myself that it's the kind of input that I want to receive and it makes it easier.
Pitches - I think they are good but Jack Franklin doesn't die happy. I know it's a bit tongue in cheek maybe but he isn't happy in the story so...
Plot - it has been done before but not in this way. Well done.
Characters - I'm not sure that you could do much more to make them seem even more realistic.
Pace - I do agree with others that chapter 3 was a bit slow. Maybe some of this info could be spread out as memories or flashbacks in other chapters.
Dialogue - It seemed very normal and as I would expect it to be in this situation. Even the historical characters would update themselves over time and take on more current speach patterns and language to suit their roles.
I enjoyed what I read and would read more if time permited but I think this is a book that I would purchase. Good luck with your work. Keep smiling. Rick Carter-Squire.

BHCG Review:

I liked the premise in the pitch. The idea is a little familiar, particularly from movies like ‘A Matter of Life and Death’ and ‘Defending Your Life’, but it still has plenty of scope for originality.

The start is a straightforward description of how he died. I would suggest you be careful not to make the narrative too flat. This happened, then this happened, then this... it will end up feeling like detailed description rather than interesting action. Jack is very passive in his own demise and for the next few chapters.

I think you overused ‘felt’ in the opening. You’re being very direct and obvious in how you convey things and it can read a bit clunky. Felt like he was lying facedown... felt a flicker of hope... felt like an eternity... began to feel his fingers...

There is a lot of exposition and backstory in the opening chapters. Neither is particularly engaging to read. You do it ina very direct manner, one man lecturing another.

There is a lot of info dumping. You clearly have this world planned out in great detail, but then you spend a long time explaining it all. There’s no story, only information, which reads very dry and static. If it is Jack's story you have to bring him into it more and make him more active. When Marshall tell him he will be needed to play a role, and then goes off on a history of the universe monlogue, that isn’t very convincing. Imagine if Dave says, “Richard, I know who killed your wife.” Richard replies, “My god, who was it?” And Dave says, “Well first let me give you some background. Back in 1776...” Richard isn’t going to stand for that and he certainly isn’t going to go to bed thinking “Damn, I totally forgot to ask him who the murderer was.”

By arranging it so the characters conveniently don’t push for answers or interrupt long monologues, it makes it feel contrived, the writer setting things up how they want it set up. It doesn’t feel like it’s coming from character and it doesn’t feel like a story. You’ve added a line here and there about Jack's academic side making him curious, but even that came across like a way to stall and string things out. It’s like you’re drawing a painstakingly detailed blueprint of the city when I only want to know which bus to take to get down town.

The switch to backstory in Chapter 3 was wholly unnecessary, in my opinion. Jack had a mother and father, not much of a revelation. You need a reason to tell the reader this stuff, beyond that it happens to be true. And beyond that it needs to be more interesting than presented. Even if it is relevant to later events, just dumping it onto the reader now, in the middle of all that exposition, only makes the story slower.

It feels like you have a very carefully worked out history both for Jack and this afterlife, which is good, you need to know this stuff to write the story with any conviction. But there’s no need to share any of that with the reader. We’ll learn about him from what he does. You know the kind of man he is, that will inform how you have him behave. The reader will see how he behaves, and from that deduce what kind of man he is. Everything else should only be related when and if necessary. The details of ‘court’ should be learned on the job. I think you’re trying far too hard to explain everything beforehand so we’ll be better placed to understand the story, but the whole point of the story is to learn about Jack and the things he has to deal with. At the moment it feels like you’re just stealing your own thunder.

BHC-
Joe, I really enjoyed reading this and definitely will be coming back to finish it. I had a moment of 'why didn't *I* think of this?' while I was reading. Jack is a great MC. I wondered for a bit if his wife wasn't responsible for his death. The pacing is good and the story as a whole seems very promising.

Since this is a BHC I will give you my one complaint. The background and history of the court does feel a lot like a history lesson. It's not much of a complaint, though, as you did handle it well --- and as quickly as possible.

Best of luck with this!
Em

Love the attention grabbing first sentence! The death scene was fab!

History (Chapters 1 to 16)

The first sentence is a great start! It's intriguing, especially as the book is about Jack Franklin. The parachute jump was convincing and I could feel his increasing despair as his options ran out. The start of his after life is convincing too. as he struggles to come to terms with his own demise and he wonders where he is. There's a dramatic end to chapter one, though I have to admit the impact was slightly reduced for me , as a Brit, because I didn't know who John Marshall was! (Though most of the other American figures you introduce or mention later, such as Ben Franklin, John Adams, Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt are reasonably well known to Brits, I think, ) You explain who Marshall is in the following chapter, so non-Americans can appreciate his significance and I enjoyed Marshall's explanation of the nine member court, involving a mention of such diverse personalities as Moses, Confucius, Pericles and Julius Caesar! Interesting and you make good use of humour. Like the oneupmanship between Jesus and Mohammed! By now, I'm really identifying with Jack Franklin, and have a lot of sympathy for him, especially when he sees his wife on the computer screen.
I have to admit, I was less interested in Chapter 3, because I wanted to get back to the afterlife.
Chapter 4 introduced another American I didn't know, though it didn't matter, because you make it clear who he is and how he died. It's amusing when they walk down the corridor and he notes the heads of the various departments, Shakespeare and Eleanor Roosevelt having their appropriate part to play! Adds a nice touch and made me smile.
But there are mysterious and confusing undercurrents of danger. Just when Jack is thinking he could adapt to the situation of being dead, Marshall's whisper of "We need you" and General Hamiliton's warning that some may wish him harn, comes as a shock , for him and for me as a reader! It had all seemed so well organised and under control. Marshall and Hamiliton had appeared to be friendly and benign, so what is going on here? And why is Jack Franklin so important? I care about Jack now, so I have to keep reading.
Chapter 5 brings his childhood into focus and the tragic end to his father's life . Has this a relevance to his importance, perhaps? There are a lot of questions here.
Chapter Six introduces Justinian and St. Thomas Aquinas and the idea of destiny and free will. Poor Jack is more confused than ever, especially because he's a feeling they are hiding something from him. What that something is, is about to be revealed to him at the end of the chapter...a real cliffhanger! It is partly revealed in Chapter Eight. Jack's important because of being a Vertex and he can make the deciding vote as to who replaces Cheops. So is that why Marshall had been giving him such special treatment? It becomes even more dramatic when the colourful (and not particularly trustworthy!) Talleyrand collects him the next morning.It's even more colourful when Jack is taken to Napoleon! I like the mannerisms and speech of Talleyrand and Bonaparte...very convincing. (the same with Elizabeth I, Aristotle etc are later. All very well done)
You give us an enjoyable debate about power and the best way to rule when Jack meets Napoleon....but then there's a bombshell at the end of Chapter Eight. Did Marshall really cause Jack to die early, or is Napoleon lying? Jack has no idea who to trust....and neither do I!
I really was less interested in Jack's life(sorry) and sped on through the next chapter to see what was happening in the afterlife. Elizabeth I's arrival is great fun! You give her a lively personality and appeal. She's also a fascinating argument as to why Jack should support her...being a woman etc and for the sake of humanity! Her claim of needing protection is proved when there's cannonfire and a cannonball comes hurtling through the hedge!
Aristotle is well drawn and delightful as a philospher/ teacher who encourages Jack to ask questions and think about political rule and democracy. When the mighty King Hammurabi arrives, they talk about the advantages and disadvantages of one man rule. It's all complicated by imprisonment by Napolean and philosophical advice by Confucius, but the real shock comes when Jack meets the five characters in the Brotherhood of the Hand. Lincoln, Churchill, Teddy Roosevelt, Cromwell and Justice Marshall. So now we learn a bit more about what Marshall is up to and although they try to persuade him to support them, they don't seem trustworthy either. No one seeking the ninth place seems trustworthy! (Such is politics!) When Jack refuses to give them his support , Roosevelt gets physical (well, that's the sort of guy he was!) but Marshall's threat is far more ominous and cruel. Now what will Jack do?
You've got a well written and fascinating story here, which keeps up a good pace but at the same time challenges us intellectually. You've also created a likeable character in Jack Franklin and I enjoyed meeting all the historical characters. My interest only dulled slightly in some of the chapters that related Jack's past life.

Only noticed one nit:
Chapter 1:. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, I wasn't quite sure about "...but any one you can walk away from..." Is there a word missing or have I just not understood?
All the best with this.
Cherry G.
The Girl from Ithaca

CH 3. 'Mr Wood's Intriguing Physical Configuration.' I think you may have found a name for your book Joe.
Without the knowledge of what is to come and how much of the detail will be important in the future this may be a chapter your editor takes the scissors to. Nothing at all wrong with it, but how much of it is back story and is it holding things up?
Norton.
.

HISTORY

I thought the pitch was enticing. Had a different appeal and invites reading. One must certainly realize they are about to read something a little different from the get-go.

The opening chapter is pretty compelling. Unique start. Great premise. I found myself immediately drawn in and must say, this is the way you get a story going.

Clean thrifty writing made it easy for me to breeze right along with this one. Your MC (Jack) is well described and comes right to light. Identifying with him is easy. In the narrative, you might want to change some the "Jacks" to "he". You do kind of barrage the reader with his name. Just saying.....

In CH2 when confronting John Marshall I started thinking that possibly this whole manuscript would turn out to be a dream. Or maybe he had not been killed by the fall and it would be the period of recovery he spent in the hospital. At any rate, my imagination is going full blast.

In CH3 all the background at once in the narrative felt like an 'info dump'. Too much back story at once can lose a reader. I read on however as the chapters are not that long and ironically I didn't mind it that much as I am still thinking Jack is experiencing a dream. I'm wondering though. Curiosity is stimulated. Objective complete I guess.

In 4, I found the reference to the "duel" amuzing. Very clever. One could assume Hamilton's arrival in the afterlife was indeed...."abrupt." LOL.

The entire idea of this novel is interesting. The author uses this clever way of weaving history and philosophy into a story about the afterlife. The writing is crisp, the manuscript is clean and polished. The idea is marvelous. All in all, very impressive and a lot of fun to read.

As far I am concerned, this is publishable material. As for marketablility, I don't know. I am anjoying it but I would be in question as to whether it would appeal in an International market. 'Who cares' is my take on this. Anyone wanting to revisit many of the remarkable moments of American History would find this an entertaining vehicle by which to do that.

6 stars for HISTORY. Bravo for Joe Page. Original, creative and intriguing.

Hi. This is a BHG crit.

Pitch - like this. It looked intriguing and was not too lengthy or dull

Cover - Covers don't tend to put me on or off on here, being only for now as it were. I thought yours was ok, considering the 'waiting room of death' kinda theme.

I thought it was an excellent first chapter - all important. if I'm groaning at the thought of turning the 'page' its not good, but here I was keen to. Regarding this first chapter, the last line of para 1 confused me a little: '..but any one you can walk away from..' I didn't get that. Did you mean 'but one you can walk away from.'? or is it just me. I also wondered what exactly made him so sure that he was dead at the point you mention. Nothing particular seemed to make this inevitable. Why could he discount a coma etc.? I also wanted to know what 'knickers' are - over here they are women's underwear.

When we come to the court (writing this in retrospect) I was a little depressed to find no women mentioned. I would hope that the afterlife wouldn't be run by the same white males, and that women's qualities would be equal at least there. Having read most of the book now, I see where it comes in, and I'm still a little despairing that even though its part of the 'fun' of the book that the same ole beaurocracy seems to hold sway, I did think that such petty ideas as 'women shouldn't serve' would be over. (simply my view as a woman)

Chapter 2 continued to hold me, and reading on, I liked the turn-and-turn-about nature of the chapters - past and 'present' Neither disappointed, making me want to miss them out. The backstory was well done and presented, and seemed a seamless part of the story. Love the names - Hatmaker, Fighting Jim, etc.

Chapter 5 - fell a bit flat at the end with '..and killed himself..' I thought if you'd said 'and fired..' it would have had more impact - like a bullet, and made me wonder - who at? himself? Is he dead or just.....'

Love the details of the afterlife and him getting used to it - '..looking for a light swtich but finding none, Jack illuminated the room..' The way he is wearing pyjamas when he wakes, and how he gradually changes his body to a younger version. (how nice.)

I read chapters 1 - 6 and then went to 19 - 22. to see how it finished.
Obviously I had missed a large part, but could pick up what was going on. The writing was as fresh, there were still questions raised and the need to read on, still a resolution to come, so no slacking of pace or quality.

Was wondering where it says '.. none need reminder of our sole agenda item..' during the vote, whether it should read. '..none need reminding... or a reminder...' may just be me again.

Chapter 20 was excellent, perfectly paced and handled, and the ending was great - unexpected and page turning. Did I like the ending with the vote hanging........? I still don't know. It certainly gave me lots to think about afterwards - still am now!

PLOT - the afterlife has, of course, been done many times, but this was fresh and a bit different.
PACING - perfect, I thought. Nothing that I read slacked or repeated at any time.
CHARACTERS/CHARACTERISATION - I thought your characters were well drawn and individual. Very visual and somehow could be imagined in action as well as looks and type. I can imagine this whole book filmed, in fact.
POV/VOICE - again, distinctive and attractive.
DIALOGUE - believable, well done, individual, never superflous.
ORIGINALITY/PUBLISHABILITY - I'd buy this if browsing in a bookshop.

I was impressed with this book. Writing quality was very good. Nothing made me stumble (bar the couple of queries given.) It was seamless and well put together. It's on my shelf as you know, and you should clap yourself on the back for a really good piece of work!
Cariad
STONES.

This is a good idea, and it's nicely done for the most part. I'd lose some of the redundant reflexives, but the grammar and syntax are essentially correct. I'd continue to read this, but I do fear for your readership in at least one regard.

You've given yourself a hell of a task. For those of us who know the history of the characters there's rather too much exposition, but I'm guessing you'd have to be fairly keen on History (I have a degree in it) not to need it. Unfortunately this, along with the need to explain the premise of the novel, adds to the sense that the prose is rather dry and humourless in the first couple of chapter. That's a pity, because I think this really could be rather good.

I wonder if a new first chapter with a scene from later in the book might work as a taster for what is to come after the set-up; for the first couple of chapters, at least, there's no sense that this is sci-fi.

My time is limited today, so I'm going to come back and read more, but I'm awarding very decent stars for the proficiency of the writing.

Best,

Addy

I thoroughly loved reading this. I cannot offer any advice other than to offer to point out line editing problems. I am worried, however, that it will not appeal to a British audience, but would only be interesting to an American one. I found it a good read as an adult reader, but I see nothing in it that would prevent it from selling to a YA audience as well. I am no help on the short pitch and full pitch, for I rarely read those and do not trust them to tell me if a book will be good.

I liked the way the chapters alternated between past and present. The MC was very sympathetic, and I felt like I bonded with him quickly. I did not see the events coming, and you kept my interest up through the entire book. The writing seems very mature, the plot well thought out, and the characters well developed. I can't think of a thing I would change. I am backing the book and hope to watch it rise as it gets more attention. In my opinion, I think it would appeal to a wide, commercial audience.

Johanna

History - BHG Review.
Cover - perhaps straight-backed wooden chairs would be more appropriate, given the first chapter? The short and long pitches work fine for me. I am intrigued.

Ch.1. A well-written, dramatic beginning. Perhaps you dont need the word Jack so often? And dont you mean 'muscles'? Nice touch, discovering his glassesand his pipe;. You deal with his feelings of sorrow about his family somewhat summarily, but who am I to know how one feels (if, indeed, one does) after death. You disclose his spiritual unbeliefs with efficiency.

Ch.2. We learn about John Marshall - good! Nice touch, the computer revealing Sarah's image. What a great lesson in history. I am identifying the gaps in my knowledge, and must address them...
For fine-tuning, it would be better to delete unnecessary words like 'just', and take care not to repeat words within a sentence. Technicalities, I know, but they can distract the reader and spoil the flow.

Ch.3. The story of John and Ethel, while no doubt necessary to the book, slows the pace, and my mind wanders and wants to skip. It reads a bit like a dry old-fashioned historical novel... but that's just my opinion, and I'm no expert. The bits in pluperfect tense dont help.

Ch.4. Interest is regained, back to afterwards. You like the colour blue. You clearly enjoy describing the surroundings which dont exist. You write very well, transporting the reader into your imaginary world, while always knowing it is illusory.

You have an intriguing plot, with crafty hooks at the end of chapters. For those who enjoy wandering into the realms of fantasy, I can see that this will be a must-read. But you offer more than that. I look forward to reading on, and improving on my scant knowledge of US history.
Multi-starred.
Jane (Breath of Africa)

Ch2. I am undecided on what I am reading. There are moments I think you are tending towards comedy and then you pull away keeping the moments lite rather than side splittingly funny. Then the explanation of the history and hierarchy of the nine man council starts to feel like an awful lot of name dropping. I understand it in the context of Marshall's explanation but my own ignorance prevents me getting what maybe comedy Gold. So my observation on this chapter is it may need an element of humility to keep dullards like me on board. I will be reading Ch3 having said that.
Norton

Thanks for the comment! I am utterly open to ideas on how to leaven that portion. My challenge is that Marshall is having a one-on-one with a decorated, brilliant historian. Not sure how much Cliff's Notes they'd use. I'll get to work on it.

Ch2. I am undecided on what I am reading. There are moments I think you are tending towards comedy and then you pull away keeping the moments lite rather than side splittingly funny. Then the explanation of the history and hierarchy of the nine man council starts to feel like an awful lot of name dropping. I understand it in the context of Marshall's explanation but my own ignorance prevents me getting what maybe comedy Gold. So my observation on this chapter is it may need an element of humility to keep dullards like me on board. I will be reading Ch3 having said that.
Norton

Cover – not something I would pick up if seen in a book shop.

Ditto on the title of the book.

I am intrigued by the short pitch.

And the long pitch pulls me in to want to read the book.

Chapter One:

Loved this chapter. Instantly I liked Jack Franklin.

Noticed one typo:
“but any one you can walk away from...” – should it just be, but one you can walk away from? Reads awkward as it is.

The writing is fluid and composed nearly to perfection. Did notice a few “was” and “had” that could be weeded out. But this is a really minor point.

Right from the word go I knew you had style. This pleases me and I am eager to read on.

Chapter Two

Well, aren’t you a smart cookie. This is fantastic. There is a lot of information in this chapter, but I still didn’t feel overwhelmed by it. That’s great. I love that it is all done through dialogue. Not only that, but I really loved Marshall. What a charismatic dude. The breakdown of the nine in the court was, to be honest and not just to flatter you, genius.

I laughed aloud a few times. Most specifically when both Jesus and Mohammad turned down their offer. The reasoning therein was wonderful.

This is how writing is supposed to be. Clean. Enticing. Engaging. And prompts the reader to go on.

Chapter Three

I love strawberry rhubarb pie. It’s my favourite.

This section of back story and the events that lead up to Jack’s conception and birth are interesting, but, I am afraid. I did end up skimming it. It’s a lot of information and I am wondering how important it is. I am not a back story snob, I know it is what makes a book a book. The narrative is written well, but my attention did wane. Unlike the first two chapters, which I ate up like a greedy child dining on desert for dinner, I didn’t feel the same way about chapter three.

What I would like to say in favour of it, is that it is charming. The story of Ethel and John is sweet and was fun to read. It was the part after he returned from war that had me struggling to stay focused. Dare say, I was bored. :-/ it feels as though it is just filler...and I don’t like that.

I love the last two lines of this chapter though.

Chapter Four

Right back on track moving the story forward. I loved this whole scene.

Honestly I can’t crit much about this. I think the writing is on par with books I have bought. I think the idea is unique. I would like to see you work on a better name and cover for this. All in all, this is one of the better written works I have read on here. I have very little to offer you in constructive cristism. I really enjoyed what I read and if I wasn’t staring at my computer, getting a headache and feeling slightly ill from all the reading, I would, without a doubt, read on.

Good Luck with this. It was a pleasure to read.

Janie Loveless – White Trash

I'm very irritated with you. My laundry is unfolded, my floor unmopped, my dogs unfed - I have been captive to your work since I first glanced at it. Very clever and well written. I spotted a typo or two, and I think you could use a stronger cover. Tacky waiting room chairs do not begin to hint at the wonders in this writing. I'll do my best to back this as soon as I have a free slot.

I've now read through Chap. 7. I'm intrigued with the premise of the book, I want to see what Jack's job will be, and I thought chapters 5 & 7 were extremely powerful. As a reader, the only help I could offer is at a line editing level. I did spot a few typos, but the story pulled me on. I really cannot think how I would improve the story.

Pretty excellent stuff,

kenny Hill

I've read the first two chapters. It's excellent... the idea reminds me a little of 'Beetlejuice'. Your style drew me in immediately. I find the thought of the afterlife as a place of offices both hilarious and depressing. I haven't read enough to judge it properly, but I certainly enjoyed what I've read so far. I'll read more when I can.

Superb writing and can be read in one sitting which is always a nice treat! It's the sort of book I'd pick up in an airport, buy based on the pitch and the first few pages and finish before I reached my destination. Shelved for sure and starred as well.

Skater

You’ve got me from the first line with this one.

This line: “like a bat making solid contact . . . “ threw me for a second. Maybe because he was in the air, I first thought of the other kind of bat – black, hangs upside down, turns into a vampire? I’m probably the only one, but it did interrupted the flow for me, and you could fix it by just saying “baseball making solid contact with a bat” instead.

"Jack began to panic" is telling, not showing. Since he’s immobilized at the moment, the only way to show his panic I suppose would be to go through his frantic thoughts in a panicked way – short sentences, fragments, strong word choices that are acidic with terror.

This sentence: “There was no sensation in his limbs . . .” confuses me. Can he see or not see?
Instead of telling us that time has passed (“After what felt like an eternity…”) show us, with his disjointed thoughts, passing sensations, gray coming and going…

“There was a hard, unyielding…” is too vague. Maybe, the gray darkened, then lightened. But something more as well, this time, a sense of place around him. Hardness under his butt. Coolness on the tips of his fingers. A pungent smell in his nostrils – rubbing alcohol? Incorporate the five senses gradually, and save vision for last.

Para beginning: “Jack rose, shakily…” Keep us deep in his viewpoint. Don’t tell us what he found; show us. His muscles ached vaguely, but . . . He felt his legs, his chest, his head. He was whole. His hand brushed over roughness of tweed –

Where was his skydiving suit? He’d been wearing a blue jumpsuit when he fell, but now he was wearing . . . He peeked down at himself. Comfortable brown khakis, a white dress shirt . . .

Let us discover his new situation with him, beat by beat, sharing in his disorientation.

Based on chapter 1, there are ways that you can improve the experience for the reader, but this book is going all the way. I will back it asap.

Joe - the BHCG review. Thought I'd take a look and then having started to read just kept going. Will add I'm not a sci-fi reader usually. I've never published, nor have any literary training so feel free to do with these comments as you wish.

We're supposed to comment on the synopsis for BHCG. Short one didn't hook me, but long version was more interesting. I'd just suggest you've given me the whole story there, rather than a thread to pull. Just a thought.

Intriguing opening Chapter, perhaps because of the method you've used to start the story. The fast paced sky-dive works; I was intrigued to know why the parachute failed to open and was left wondering if that's something we'll discover later. But then the whole pace changes, and it's tweeds and a white dress shirt. It's a view of the after-life that made me pause and think. And then the link to William and Mary - very intriguing and a good page-turner.

Chapter 2 and I'm really enjoying this. Remove that sci-fi tag, this is a a real intellectual pull. Continuing with the slow pace, you weave us into thought about the afterlife in a way I personally have never considered. Normally I'd push this away, but your style works, and the odd injection of humour adds depth - the offer of a bourbon while watching his mourning wife on the monitor was spot on. Yet there is far more depth than mere flippant humour. The whole discussion of acsendancy and the various candidates flowed rapidly, rushing through history brining together characters who under normal circumstances would bear no releance to the others. Yet you've set us thinking.

I'm easily into Chapter 3. Unlike many new to Authonomy I sense you've edited; I certainly have seen no glaring typos or grammatical errors.

Chapter 3 and I'm a little lost. The writing is excellent and the story under any other circumstances would have kept me going, but I'm feeling slightly cheated. What is the link and where does this thread lead? On the basis of the first two chapter I'll keep going.

Chapter 4 and I'm enjoying this once more. You've a very precise style of dialogue for your characters, and each scene is very precise - I'm there alongside. Ok one small change - there is (are) no use for grudges in the afterlife.

With your storyline you've taken history along another notch and I'm enjoying the way you weave reality and fiction together. If I had a doubt at this stage it was the actual story itself, but with the warning that even in the afterlife there is some form of political in-fighting, perhaps worse, you've kept me turning pages.

Chapter 5 and we're back to his childhood. I'm now accepting your going to feed us information relevant to his existence in the afterlife - you've worked to make me commit emotionally to that, and I'm very intrigued now as we've a few parrallel threads.

Joe - I read 6 Chapters without pause, other than to ponder the interaction between characters and destiny. This is a very clever, and highly intellectual tug hat really makes the reader reconsider history. The overview of macro destiny is excellent. I've actually very little to suggest for improvement, other perhaps than the key characters we've met until now are almost all American and from a moment in time - but somehow I think you'll change that also. Please check my previous comments - I don't say this often - but an excellent book. Best. Steve.

You've hooked me. I've read the first 2 chapters and want to see how the story plays out. I need to put it down for now, but hope to be back. I'm the kind of reader who either bails out on the first or 2nd chapter or compulsively reads to the end.
J

Great start. My life ambition is to never parachute from a plane, and even though you point out the absence of pain on impact and the bonus of an afterlife, I am not swayed to alter that course. There were no problems I could see with anything and I am usually happy to point out words that strike me as awkward. You've set me up for CH2, Job done! As a non US educated reader I had to look up John Marshall who I presumed was an x-president because most of them have been lawyers, I got close.
Great work.
Norton

Hi Joe, an exciting read ‘History’ certainly off to a good start with Jack’s parachute failing to open.
A lot of tension here as your story gets underway...Brilliant!
The after-life theme to your book keeps the reader involved.
You have the ability to draw the reader into it...wanting to turn the page...to find out more.
The description to me is first class, this is writing at its best and the punctuation is something to be admired.
I enjoyed all that I read in the time I had, will get back to read more when I can.
I have star rated your book on the above though...great stuff!!
Will also take a read of your other book ‘The True Epic Tale of Sigmund Leatherhide
Many thanks for backing my book... much appreciated Joe.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Joe,

You have a very interesting first chapter here my friend. I've seen nothing like it on the site and am quite impressed. You've got just the right amount of description and really end the chapter the right way, making us want to read on for more. The only crit that I have is that in the beginning, when Jack pulled the first cord, you wrote that the cord "dangled uselessly from his right hand." I think that this is the wrong wording here because he's falling through the air and the cord would probably be waving upward instead of dangling.
Other then that, you've got a great work here. I'll be reading on. I'm interested.
Have a great day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Joe, I am here as a reader and not some 'expert' critic.

'History'

Cover: Is this one of Autho's standard covers ? I'm not sure about it, I think you could use a better one for this story, and with 'History' on it, your name too. A cover is easy enough to knock-up on the computer.

Short pitch: Interesting enough. You're making good use of the 25 words Autho allow us, in my opinion. Not everyone does. I have seen short pitches here with just 3 to 5 words, fine if you're Stephen King, but us lesser mortals have to 'sell' our books far more.

Long pitch: Again, this works for me and is enough for me to want to 'open' your book. And, having now read both pitches, I REALLY don't like the cover, coupled with the title, this book may put potential readers here at Autho off reading it, because it looks to be about English History or some such book, when clearly it isn't any such thing. Just my thinking, Joe.

Jack Franklin Was Dead: Good paragraph sizes, easy on the eye. I got pulled-up on my giant para's when I first uploaded my book, so had to go through the whole thing and break them up, so well done on this already.

What an interesting and original story this appears to be, Joe. So, Jack is dead, no doubt. You have me all the way in this chapter...skydiving with Sarah....parachute not opening.....hitting the ground.......realsing death has arrived......confused.......waking up in differnt clothes, and in an office........and who the hell is this stange guy, John Marshall? Enough to make me want to read the next chapter. And not a single typo did I stumble upon in this chapter............have you done this before, Joe ? LOL.

After: 'Whorehouses in heaven?' made me chuckle on this one.
Now it all begins to unravel. Very good.

Joe, I think you write very well, clearly you have a talent for it, in my opinion. And you seem to have something original on your hands here. You'll get varied opinions here, as we all do. Some will gush, others will trash your writing and make an attempt to destroy your confidence (don't ask my why some people here try to do that - I have no idea, but they do, and they will - be ready !) But, they are just the opinions of budding writers, not 'experts' so please continue on with this. I think it's well written, descriptions and dialogue work for me and I was never taken out of the story, not once.

Highly starred now, and remaining on my watch list for a future place on my shelf once I have honoured my current shelf commitments.

Well done, Joe.

Danny.

The DEAD Bloc.