Telekinesis

I like this premise. Backed!

You have a good premise here and are well on the way to maing it work. I would concur about the prologue; either don't use it or pep it up with somehting spicy, describe what happened last time or more of what might happen. Zac is an engaging character so the reader quickly becomes interested in him. Beware of some long, rambling sentences. Try to vary length a bit more. Just IMO.

Hi Paul
Could i interest you in having a look at my book 'tales to read to children' and give me your thoughts on it.
thanks Brian

I have read the early chapters and am enjoying this story very much. I plan to finish it and offer additional comments, but from what I've already seen, this story has great promise!

Hi Paul,

The short pitch is catchy and the plot is fresh and intriguing. The writing style is predictably good and the dialogue is very natural and flows easily. These are he pluses.

I thought the prologue was totally unnecessary but the details are; in my opinion the details could be arranged in Ch 1, because a prologue should rightfully belong to the MC, Zac and reflective of the main plot. The prose could be tightened a little more which in turn would improve the pace a lot more. Less of telling and more of showing can help too. I was surprised by the number of female characters but happy that their characters were well drawn. Lizzy, Leah, Tia, Rachel , Kelly, Cooper....
This has potential and with a little editing could climb up real fast.
For my part I have starred it highly and placed it on my WL soon to be backed.

All the best Paul.

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

Paul - the return read. I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with these comments as you wish.

The prologue am afraid did not grab me. I understand there is more to he story but the way it reads Leah is running away becuse a football jock grabbed a kiss. You need a twist in there, in my view, to keep the reader moving on. I would also reread this outloud - that oftens helps. It is not badly written but can be made tighter - one simple example is the use of the word 'she'. It appears 4 times in 4 lines in the opening paragraph. Look at combining sentences to improve the flow.

Chapter 1 and a much better start. Few lines say a lot about Zac, as much by what is unsaid as you've written. The flow of this Chapter is better, more alive and with paper planes flying by and the solid dialogue the scene is easily visualised. The story build is slightly interupted with the side-bar of John and Zoe - again can be tightened. This is a better read with a story - the father, the finals approaching and some additional characters. Later again I feel can be tightened by skipping some of the classroom discussions. Key though is the Telekinesis reference. Try reading that again - I'm still unclear where your story is going but felt you did not make a point as well as you may have wished - just a thought.

Chapter 2 and the mention of telepathy doesn't fit neatly. If you are going to have some form of superpowers, we should be introduced in more detail I feel. Instead we are back to burpees. Then a paragraph explaining them is distracting. The long dialogue between Zac and Leah works for them as characters but this is Chapter 3 and I feel the pace of this story is too slow. It is only at the very end you start to bring Telekinesis into the story. It starts to work but for me was too late.

Paul - I'm not a sci-fi fantasy reader usually so as I said earlier my comments my be totally innaccurate. But I felt the central core of your story has been buried by too many side scenes. It is important to build that characters in prtrallel and Zac in particular works, but I feel some editing is required. Best. Steve.

Paranormal romance is a popular genre, and I'm going to guess that's what you're going for. If that's the case, you could do worse than to pick up some examples of the genre and really study them. What you'll find is that for the most part they are written simply and in a way that will connect the reader immediately to the characters with whom it will be very easy for them to identify. Your writing doesn't do that at this point for a variety of reasons. To begin with the language is unnatural -- "whilst" ??? That's just not a word that's used. Second way too many adjectives. Third, in simple terms: show don't tell. It's the most basic of fiction writing rules. I'd like to recommend you try something -- just as an experiment. Try rewriting the first couple of paragraphs from the characters' point of view. You can go back and change it later. But mostly, if this is the genre you want to write in, immerse yourself in it.

Updated to add: Just looked at other comments and saw others have brought up the "telling" issue. You responded by telling them to keep reading. Not good enough. Your beginning has to be capture the reader.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It was easy to get into and the characters were believable. I think it was a good first effort from the author.

Hi Paul,

I went back through some old messages and saw that you had offered to read Animal Cracker and that I had offered to read Telekenesis. I think neither of us followed through, though I could be mistaken.

In any case...here's my two cents. I think you have a really good story, and you've got the writing chops to tell it. I also think there's too much telling instead of showing. So you already know that and can work on it. For example, you don' t need to say "she was exhausted, and her heart was racing....." Just show us her exhaustion. I also found quite a few run-on sentences. Please be careful with your punctuation.

More important, I had some confusion about the unwanted kiss. It didn't really feel like an assuault to me, so she seemed to have overreacted. Unless you want to convey that she was a very sheltered girl who'd never been on a date before? I couldn't tell. And why would they have to leave town? Because someone tried to kiss her? I'm sorry, but this episode just wasn't clear to me.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Andi
Animal Cracker

Thanks for the feedback.

You're not the first person to say that there is too much telling rather than showing.

You are mistaken about one thing though. It is not Zac that stole a kiss from Leah in the Prologue. Perhaps I was not clear enough but not sure how much of chapter one you have read.

Funnily enough I have cut out quite a lot of telling in chapter one but obviously not enough. My problem is that life is so busy getting the time to edit is so difficult.

Any more feedback would be appreciated and you need to read to the end of chpater 3 / 4 to get a real flavour. Check out chapter 4 and answer the ice-cream question for me. You'll know what I mean when you get there.

Paul

Hi Paul!! I'm here to have a proper read through of Telekinesis and give comments.

In the first line, if you ditch the word 'solitary', then it will still read the same. Second line, get rid of 'momentarily'.
In the 3rd line, she was blowing hard, but in the first line, she was brushing a lone tear and in trying not to cry... I think you have included a lot about how she felt, but it all doesn't quite match.

Ok, after the first para, the rest of the prologue is written really well, and I was able to follow it easily... However... you're 'telling' us this stuff that you could really be 'showing' us. Why don't you start the whole scene with them leaving the restaurant? Or have the scene where he asks her out. For example, show us him being charming in the restaurant, rather than telling us that he was. If we 'see' what happened, we can make our own judgement about whether or not he's being charming..

The other thing is that if they are out at a restaurant till 10, then I thought they were older than school age.

Chapter 1: I think that if you can 'show' us the story, then it will do much better. I like how we learn about zac in the prologue, and then see him in the first chapter, however, again, there is still a lot of 'showing'. Throughout the whole first chapter you alternate between telling and showing, when I think you could pretty much 'show' us everything, and cut a heap of backstory, this will drive the plot along, and let us know the 'good' stuff!! You don't have to worry about your word count, because as you take 'telling' and 'backstory' out, you will add to the dialog.

I actually had my book very much like this originally. Because it's our natural inclination to 'tell'. When we 'show', it's more work for us!! But more pleasant for the reader! I'll go on to chap 2 later!!

I hope my comments have helped! And thanks heaps for your continued support of The Multiple Choice.

Monicque :)

Hi Paul!! I'm here to have a proper read through of Telekinesis and give comments.

In the first line, if you ditch the word 'solitary', then it will still read the same. Second line, get rid of 'momentarily'.
In the 3rd line, she was blowing hard, but in the first line, she was brushing a lone tear and in trying not to cry... I think you have included a lot about how she felt, but it all doesn't quite match.

Ok, after the first para, the rest of the prologue is written really well, and I was able to follow it easily... However... you're 'telling' us this stuff that you could really be 'showing' us. Why don't you start the whole scene with them leaving the restaurant? Or have the scene where he asks her out. For example, show us him being charming in the restaurant, rather than telling us that he was. If we 'see' what happened, we can make our own judgement about whether or not he's being charming..

The other thing is that if they are out at a restaurant till 10, then I thought they were older than school age.

Chapter 1: I think that if you can 'show' us the story, then it will do much better. I like how we learn about zac in the prologue, and then see him in the first chapter, however, again, there is still a lot of 'showing'. Throughout the whole first chapter you alternate between telling and showing, when I think you could pretty much 'show' us everything, and cut a heap of backstory, this will drive the plot along, and let us know the 'good' stuff!! You don't have to worry about your word count, because as you take 'telling' and 'backstory' out, you will add to the dialog.

I actually had my book very much like this originally. Because it's our natural inclination to 'tell'. When we 'show', it's more work for us!! But more pleasant for the reader! I'll go on to chap 2 later!!

I hope my comments have helped! And thanks heaps for your continued support of The Multiple Choice.

Monicque :)

Thanks for the positive feedback. Makes you want to keep banging your head against the brick wall that is the world of publishing.
Paul

Editing aside, I think you've got a really strong story here. There isn't enough YA with an interesting male lead. You've got one in Zac. I like the premise and it feels fresh. Granted I've only managed to read three chapters but I know I'd want to read on. You've done one of the harder parts and that is giving the reader a good opening with a character we want to know more about. I wish you luck with this, I think it's got a lot of potential.

Missy

Editing aside, I think you've got a really strong story here. There isn't enough YA with an interesting male lead. You've got one in Zac. I like the premise and it feels fresh. Granted I've only managed to read three chapters but I know I'd want to read on. You've done one of the harder parts and that is giving the reader a good opening with a character we want to know more about. I wish you luck with this, I think it's got a lot of potential.

Missy

Thanks for the feedback. NAy more will be gratefully accepted.

Paul

Seems wonderful, but could still use some editing.
Prologue:
Comma missing in third sentence, to me it seems incomplete without one.
Another comma missing in the last sentence of the third paragraph.

Those are just examples, I see a few more as well, but won't pick about that any more lol

The storyline seems interesting, I'm curious on what is going on with this girl, and how things are going to work out. With some work, this story could be great, but I really think it is still in need of some polishing before we see it in bookstores. Will be back later to read more when I have time, and if I see anything else, I will leave another comment or send you a message.

Seems wonderful, but could still use some editing.
Prologue:
Comma missing in third sentence, to me it seems incomplete without one.
Another comma missing in the last sentence of the third paragraph.

Those are just examples, I see a few more as well, but won't pick about that any more lol

The storyline seems interesting, I'm curious on what is going on with this girl, and how things are going to work out. With some work, this story could be great, but I really think it is still in need of some polishing before we see it in bookstores. Will be back later to read more when I have time, and if I see anything else, I will leave another comment or send you a message.

Thanks for the feedback and compliments.

Let me know how you think that I can improve early chapters as one or two people are commenting about this.

Wish I could return the favour but I don't think you have uploaded any of your own work.

Paul

Hi there Paul,

Firstly, let me say that you have a brilliant prologue!

I read your first 5 chapters and it's a little difficult to get into but I found that a few chapters in, the pace really picked up and I really enjoyed this, I will definitely come back to read more this evening.

I've given you 5* and added to my W-L. This has fantastic potential!

Rebecca

Hi there Paul,

Firstly, let me say that you have a brilliant prologue!

I read your first 5 chapters and it's a little difficult to get into but I found that a few chapters in, the pace really picked up and I really enjoyed this, I will definitely come back to read more this evening.

I've given you 5* and added to my W-L. This has fantastic potential!

Rebecca

Hi,

Thanks for the comments and feedback. I'm glad you liked the prologue (a recent addition after other feedback). You may be right about Chapter one but there is a difficult balance in capturing the reader with ACTION and setting up the characters and action for later. I find that the problem with this site is that you are looking for instant gratification and if something doesn't hit you immediately then you start reading something else.
By way of an aside I read a Jodi Piccoult book this year called 'House Rules'. Not her best but still very readable. After reading the first One Hundred pages I finally said to myself - she has now set up the novel and something needs to happen. whilst the set up was interesting it wasn't packed with ACTION that meant you were desparate to keep reading. If I had been sent the first 3 chapters and a synpsis I think it woudl have fallen below my radar. Perhaps having sold over 30,000,000 copies of her books worldwide allows her a certain leaway that we are not allowed.
Anyway, I'm mindful that it might sound like I'm being sensitive to criticism but believe me I've had worse, I'm just at a bit of a loss as to whether playing the Authonomy game and packing loads of action into the first couple of chapters is the right thing to do or not. I will consider this further.
Just out of interest - Did you read beyond chpater One?
Paul

Hi Paul.
My apologies for taking so long to get to this.

I’m not a fan of prologues but I found yours particularly good. I like the pacing and the suspense. You present Leah very well. I also like the length of the prologue. It’s not information over load yet there is just enough there to keep you reading because you are curious how the story will progress from solid foundation you have established.

Ch 1 – unfortunately I didn’t like this quite as much. Too much going on. I like where you are heading with this but I struggled to get to know Zach or have a connection. Although you do introduce some characters that I feel might be intriguing if I read on.

Your premise is very good and you present it well but I would have liked a bit more tension in the opening chapters.

I hope this doesn’t sound condescending, I really don’t intend it that way but I notice you say it gets batter after ch 3. Perhaps you should take a look at what it is in ch 3 that grasps the reader and offer that to them straight away. Paul, I really do like your idea here but if I’m honest there is no way I would tolerate the first three chapters of any book in the hopes that it will get better when I get further in to it.

I honestly think if you twist your initial delivery around a little you could have a very engaging piece.

Anyway, all just a matter of opinion and at the end of the day it’s your book you will know what works best for it.
Janny

Hi Paul.
My apologies for taking so long to get to this.

I’m not a fan of prologues but I found yours particularly good. I like the pacing and the suspense. You present Leah very well. I also like the length of the prologue. It’s not information over load yet there is just enough there to keep you reading because you are curious how the story will progress from solid foundation you have established.

Ch 1 – unfortunately I didn’t like this quite as much. Too much going on. I like where you are heading with this but I struggled to get to know Zach or have a connection. Although you do introduce some characters that I feel might be intriguing if I read on.

Your premise is very good and you present it well but I would have liked a bit more tension in the opening chapters.

I hope this doesn’t sound condescending, I really don’t intend it that way but I notice you say it gets batter after ch 3. Perhaps you should take a look at what it is in ch 3 that grasps the reader and offer that to them straight away. Paul, I really do like your idea here but if I’m honest there is no way I would tolerate the first three chapters of any book in the hopes that it will get better when I get further in to it.

I honestly think if you twist your initial delivery around a little you could have a very engaging piece.

Anyway, all just a matter of opinion and at the end of the day it’s your book you will know what works best for it.
Janny

Thanks for the feedback.
The only thing that would make me happier is for you to message my brother and tell him what you just said. He's just been on the phone telling me how he's above me in the rankings and joint 18th top weekly rated book. We need to keep him humble.
Regards,

Paul

OH! Now THAT prologue is REALLY GOOD!
Really sharpened and plenty of intrigue with this! Good job!
I think it's better than your brother's... :~)
I think you guys are lucky. My sister was on here for a while. She didn't like the reviews she was getting and left. My skin is thicker. But I miss having her on the site.
Raechel
Echo

OH! Now THAT prologue is REALLY GOOD!
Really sharpened and plenty of intrigue with this! Good job!
I think it's better than your brother's... :~)
I think you guys are lucky. My sister was on here for a while. She didn't like the reviews she was getting and left. My skin is thicker. But I miss having her on the site.
Raechel
Echo

Thanks for the feedback.

I've had some similar comments about the opening. Too much background just dropped on the reader in the first couple of pages. With hindsight I agree with this. I have amended chapter one and inserted a prologue that I hope will grab the reader a little more. I'll let you know when it is uploaded on to the site but I'm struggling to find the time at the moment.

Please keep reading I'm told it does get better and to get a real feel for things you need to get to the chapter 3 / 4.

As with all things it is easier to see the faults in other's work than in your own.

You are still on my WL and I will try to return the comments as soon as I get time.

Paul

Telekinesis
Fiction, 3rd person

Premise, an Indiana HS basketball player wakes up with superhuman powers.

I've read most of Ch 1 and will only comment to the extent that I've read.

Characters: The MC is fairly well described and beliveable.

Plot/pacing: I don't see this plot being very well support as far as I've read. While it may get better later, it is my opinion that the story has to grab the reader right away and not let go. I played BB in HS and College and still like the game, so I don't think that the problem is lack of interest in the genre'. I think the problem is the amount of telling taking place through the first 30 paragraphs. Nothing really happens and while the Character has a goal, there isn't anything compelling taking place. IMO, the MS is very flat and lacks impulsion. A basketball story should be fast paced and rivoting. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think reading and commenting should serve a purpose and I like to offer something besides a pat on the butt and a "good job". This author can do much better.

I suggest: engage the reader with emotional impact. Telling about the past doesn't make the story. Showing the events in the current story and showing on a viseral level how this kid ticks will be far more effective. Start at the start of the impactful events and leave the backstory for later when the reader is a little more interested in finding out why the kid is the way he is. I think the part about the trolly shows some promise.

Mechanics: If you review the story by looking at the first word of each paragraph, you'll notice that nearly all of your paras begin with a name of a character and most with the MC's name. Try starting some paragraphs with verbs...?

Overall, it's better than a lot of the books on the site. But I think it needs work.
Holding on my WL until a space opens on my shelf.
Raechel
Echo

Telekinesis
Fiction, 3rd person

Premise, an Indiana HS basketball player wakes up with superhuman powers.

I've read most of Ch 1 and will only comment to the extent that I've read.

Characters: The MC is fairly well described and beliveable.

Plot/pacing: I don't see this plot being very well support as far as I've read. While it may get better later, it is my opinion that the story has to grab the reader right away and not let go. I played BB in HS and College and still like the game, so I don't think that the problem is lack of interest in the genre'. I think the problem is the amount of telling taking place through the first 30 paragraphs. Nothing really happens and while the Character has a goal, there isn't anything compelling taking place. IMO, the MS is very flat and lacks impulsion. A basketball story should be fast paced and rivoting. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think reading and commenting should serve a purpose and I like to offer something besides a pat on the butt and a "good job". This author can do much better.

I suggest: engage the reader with emotional impact. Telling about the past doesn't make the story. Showing the events in the current story and showing on a viseral level how this kid ticks will be far more effective. Start at the start of the impactful events and leave the backstory for later when the reader is a little more interested in finding out why the kid is the way he is. I think the part about the trolly shows some promise.

Mechanics: If you review the story by looking at the first word of each paragraph, you'll notice that nearly all of your paras begin with a name of a character and most with the MC's name. Try starting some paragraphs with verbs...?

Overall, it's better than a lot of the books on the site. But I think it needs work.
Holding on my WL until a space opens on my shelf.
Raechel
Echo

Thanks for backing my book. Very grateful.
I am working on the first chapter or two at the moment editing it with some comments I have received in mind. I'll look at yours in more detail and see what needs changing. Thanks for the positive and constructive feedback.
Paul

Hi Paul, took a look at the opening of Telekinesis and left a few thoughts, which I hope prove useful. This is a promising story, but does need editing to tighten up the narrative. Having said that – and it’s just my opinion anyway – I think once you’ve gone through it again, a good story will turn into an excellent one. Backed.
Pitch.
A well crafted pitch that outlines, in brief, what the reader can expect.
Chapter 1.
The first few paragraphs flow really well. The back story of Zac’s early childhood and his father’s desertion are skilfully done, without dropping the reader into reams of exposition. The pace of the narrative is fast, but at the same time gives the reader time to absorb the images portrayed. Just one minor nitpick at this point: Zac (couldn’t) understand how John (could)... The two bracketed words are very alike, would suggest replacing the 1st with: Zac didn’t understand...
Syntax: Steve smirked at John, who made a rude gesture at him (whilst he felt sure that Zoe’s back was turned. This doesn’t flow as well as it should, perhaps: Steve smirked at John, who made a rude gesture at him, after making sure Zoe’s back was still turned.
Instinctively (Zoe) turned... You’ve already used her name in the previous sentence and as it’s clear who you’re referring to, perhaps replace the name with “she”.
Syntax: Her body language said so obviously, do not approach. This is a bit clunky, would suggest rejigging along the lines of: Her body language was so obvious: do not approach.
Overuse of character’s names: (Lizzy) was about to get out of her seat, but (Zac), worried about the impending embarrassment, aimed a swift kick at her shins. (Lizzy) squealed in pain and the whole table turned on him, not quite believing that he would stoop so low. The first time you use the character’s names is fine, so the reader knows who you’re referring to, after that “She” and “him” are fine.
Overlong sentence: She was Miss Brady, their physics teacher, a rather attractive woman (for a teacher) in her early forties who tried her best to be interesting, but couldn’t quite manage it, certainly not when the group in front of her was a class of seventeen and eighteen year old, who had cottoned on to the fact that nothing she was teaching would make much of a difference to them in the real world, unless they were hell bent on becoming engineers. This sentence practically makes up a paragraph by itself. Structurally it’s sound, but is, in my opinion, way too long. Suggest breaking it up along the lines of: She was Miss Brady, their physics teacher. She was rather an attractive woman, for a teacher, in her early forties. She did her best to be interesting, but couldn’t quite manage it; certainly not when the group in front of her was a class of seventeen and eighteen year olds. They’d soon cottoned on to the fact that nothing she was teaching would make much of a difference to them in the real world, unless they were hell bent on becoming engineers.
Syntax: Zac thought back for a moment (at) what he could remember... the bracketed word should be “to”.
Repetition: Zac, (showing) some contrition, decided to (show) some interest. The bracketed words are too much alike, suggest something like: Zac showed some contrition and decided to take an interest in the project.

Thanks for the positive comments. Interested if you have the time in any ideas how to rework the scene with the Police Officer and Jordan. You were a little light on detail. One thing I struggle with is knowing how to create a struggle between a mere mortal and someone with supernatural abilities. Any suggestions?
Paul

hi Paul,

Finally was able to read the story. This is good stuff and I like how the characters interweave with the other. The main character brings the reader into his world and also into a world that not a ton of people have a firm understanding. The book in general was an easy read and it has a lot of things packed into it. One thing that I would like to point out is with the policeman and Jorden. I didn't feel that the scene was a struggle-but that can be reworked, so no worries. Other than that, the writing and the voice is excellent. well done, I'll add more to the story as I continue to read. Perhaps my mind would change by then.

Penny
The Glass Serpent

hi Paul,

Finally was able to read the story. This is good stuff and I like how the characters interweave with the other. The main character brings the reader into his world and also into a world that not a ton of people have a firm understanding. The book in general was an easy read and it has a lot of things packed into it. One thing that I would like to point out is with the policeman and Jorden. I didn't feel that the scene was a struggle-but that can be reworked, so no worries. Other than that, the writing and the voice is excellent. well done, I'll add more to the story as I continue to read. Perhaps my mind would change by then.

Penny
The Glass Serpent

Thanks for your comment. It is good to have any sort of feedback and if it faintly positive then this is encouraging. Thanksf or taking the time. I hope you enjoy the rest if you get time to keep on reading.
Paul

Hi Paul,

I'm finally getting back to you with a comment, although I've only read 3 chapters. This book has an easy flow. I think you could add just a little more intensity, particularly in the scene with the policeman- I wasn't feeling alot of tension. OK- enough with the negative. I really like your voice; I think you do a good job channeling the voice of an older teenager. I like the fact that it isn't patronizing- not alot of 'text message' speak, or slang. Your dialogue is realistic and Zac is a likable character teens can relate to. Often times, I read a book written for the YA audience, and I have to wonder if the author has ever met a teenager. I have a twenty-one year old son and a fifteen year old daugher (and 2 teenagers to be, woe is me) I know from experience, that teens are alot more sophisticated than some writers give them credit for. You've done an outstanding job telling this story on their level- intelligence writing, but appealing to their sense of fast-paced adventure. I will read more and comment as I go. Well done.

Hi Paul,

I'm finally getting back to you with a comment, although I've only read 3 chapters. This book has an easy flow. I think you could add just a little more intensity, particularly in the scene with the policeman- I wasn't feeling alot of tension. OK- enough with the negative. I really like your voice; I think you do a good job channeling the voice of an older teenager. I like the fact that it isn't patronizing- not alot of 'text message' speak, or slang. Your dialogue is realistic and Zac is a likable character teens can relate to. Often times, I read a book written for the YA audience, and I have to wonder if the author has ever met a teenager. I have a twenty-one year old son and a fifteen year old daugher (and 2 teenagers to be, woe is me) I know from experience, that teens are alot more sophisticated than some writers give them credit for. You've done an outstanding job telling this story on their level- intelligence writing, but appealing to their sense of fast-paced adventure. I will read more and comment as I go. Well done.

Thanks for the advice. Just wondering how much of the book you've actually read. Difficult to read more than a few chapters on screen. I will definitely be re-working things possibly looking at first person POV or similar.
Paul

Paul,
Kudos on delivering up a whole book for all to see. That's a feat in itself - I'm still slogging my way through. You're well-positioned with the whole structure up, characters in place following the buildup to a critical mass when everything starts popping off in all directions. I see you're in the buffing and tweaking stage with a lot of comments from our community to help you along. I suggest getting us into the head of your characters, more gut feeling shown, more agony, exhilaration and other emotional stimulants for your readers. Like Stephen King preaches, keep chiselling away till you reveal the vein of gold.

Cheers.
Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Paul,
Kudos on delivering up a whole book for all to see. That's a feat in itself - I'm still slogging my way through. You're well-positioned with the whole structure up, characters in place following the buildup to a critical mass when everything starts popping off in all directions. I see you're in the buffing and tweaking stage with a lot of comments from our community to help you along. I suggest getting us into the head of your characters, more gut feeling shown, more agony, exhilaration and other emotional stimulants for your readers. Like Stephen King preaches, keep chiselling away till you reveal the vein of gold.

Cheers.
Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Thanks for backing the book. I'll let you know when we decided to maim each other with bow and arrow.

not bad little bro; a good premis for an interesting tale. I will read more when I get the time; as you know my life is a little hedged up around me at the mo. I've managed to get Above the Italian woods loaded up on the site; take a look when you have some time. (I know you were reading it! Did you ever finish it?)

Take, will bring the bow and target round, just say the word

David

Thanks. Hope you enjoy.
Paul

I've gotcha on my watchlist! :)

Ellise

I've gotcha on my watchlist! :)

Ellise

G'day Paul! Time to slash and hack...I mean, constructively demolish...er...comment on Telekinesis! As always, whatever follows is purely my opinion and need not be heeded in any way/shape/form if you don't think it's in line with your majestic vision.

Pitch- very good. I don't, however, like the 'this is the story of...'. We know it's a story, it's a book after all, just get right to the action! So 'All Zac Cooper cares about is getting...' The fact he's 'ordinary' and lives in Indiana aren't all that relevant for me. Unless the location is important, in which case keep it, but no need to tell us he's a normal kid. We can infer that from the start, as you've told us his life is changed forever.

ONE
Opening is good, but could be even better. Keep it close to Zac's thoughts: 'Only two things in life mattered to Zac. Basketball...and he couldn't quite remember what the second was.

'who was now in his senior year'- necessary? You can drop it in more subtly later, rather than announce it so formally.

Okay, this is all info-dumping back story. You're not giving me a taste of Zac as a person, just recapping his bio. Work this information in through Zac's actions and mannerisms. Take me to where he is now (in school), and have him comment on what's going on. He could be wry about his love of basketball, despite his hard past (could keep this as a mystery to develop some tension, and show how he's grown to cope with his sudden loss at an early age).

'shouted over the noise'- why not show us a bit more? You've used 'melee'- but give us some flavor? Boys and girls scrumming together? Books being dropped? Pushing, shoving? Chatter? Paint us a picture!

Again, you're describing to me the characters as if I already know them. It's boring! 'John and Zoe'- show them doing something! Bickering? Kissing? Playing with their food? You have to develop how I identify the characters through how they behave/ act, and use Zac as a filter. Is he jealous? Happy for them? Think Heaven and Hell make a better match? It's his story.

Also with the basketball match, it's not getting me excited like it should. Is Zac feeling nervous? Are his thoughts running over things? I have no idea what he's thinking- better to give the reader a clue, so the reader knows why he's not answering his friend.

The more I read this, I think it would work better with first-person POV with Zac. It's very obviously his story, I just feel it would fit nicely. Of course I'm not suggesting you re-write the whole book if you like it the way it is, but maybe try it out. Copy and paste chapter one into a new file and try it with 'I'. So...

'Only two things in life matter to me. Basketball, and...er...I forget the second. It's all I can think about. Even though I had to abandon it for a while, because...well, never mind. The State Championships are coming up, and I can't wait. It'll be the first time the school team's ever competed.'

Just something to keep in mind!

Same with Steve- you just give a one line intro. Make him DO something! Crack a joke? Tell us about his posture- slumped? Lop-sided grin? Really show off his personality through his gestures/ looks/ habitus.

Some bits are slightly over-written, too: '...but luckily Zoe had her back to Steven as she waited almost impatient for John to comply...' waaay too wordy for YA, and too telling. Keep it simple, and focus it on how the characters are interacting: '...but luckily Zoe had her back to Steve. She was drumming her fingers on the table, a keen glint in her eye as she awaited John's response. Zac knew that look; it said 'Obey me, or else'.' This gives us an idea of her impatience AND what Zac thinks of her. Only an example, but it helps keep Zac centre-stage (events are being filtered through his eyes) and is better than outright describing it.

'Paul was incredulous'- again, too tame! Jaw drop? Frowning at Zoe? Angry she'd ever suggest such a thing? 'Are you crazy, woman?'

I'm not really compelled to read much on. Even when you mention Leah, it was so lacklustre it didn't perk my interest, when it should have done. There's not enough of Zac's voice coming through. For this kind of story, where there's one dominant hero, locking it to his thoughts would work better for me, rather than hopping around to everyone. Every point of view method has pros and cons, but from how this is playing out I want Zac to be the one leading me. I need his reaction to everything. I should be privy to his thoughts as the MC. So you need to develop Zac's insight and let the reader in on it, too.

The setting jump to the Physics lesson was very sudden. I'm finding it hard to keep track of what's happening where.

Where did the Telekinesis come from? It seems just dropped in. It might be because I'm not getting much of an idea of the scenes.

Your character interaction with Leah and Zac is much, much better. you're getting them to banter, which is showing me how they respond to one another. Get this in with Zac's usual friends.

Okay, you've lost me. Though your plotting a normal day very nicely for Zac, the piece is so devoid of characterization I just don't care. Which is a shame! You've got a great premise and set up, but your characters are letting you down. You need to flesh them out a bit. Give us a taste of their personalities, and for Zac, give us his thoughts, feelings. Show us some gestures, give us an idea of how the characters act without telling us outright. Let us get to know them through watching their behaviour and interaction.

This picked up with Leah and Zac, because it's the first time they meet. Remember, for us readers, this is the first time we meet ANY of your characters, so you need to display Zac's relationship with them similarly. Use dialogue, their gestures, how they act around each other, facial expressions, posture- and most important, give us Zac's thoughts.

Otherwise, apart from some slightly over-written sentences, this was easy to read, and the plot sounds fascination. But you need to work on your characters. Flesh them out, give them more dimensions, especially Zac, and it'll really give the story the strength it needs to be really good.

As I say, only my thoughts. My general impression is good- but work on those characters (something I myself have trouble with, too)!

Good luck and all the best

Sam241

Thanks for the critique. I have toyed with a prologue with some of the supernatural upfront as you suggest but still haven't quite got the balance right. Will keep trying.
Regards,
Paul

Here as promised. You can certainly write and write very well though I didn't entirely buy the YA voice on this... it didn't quite chime teenager to me. There was quite a lot of info dump at the beginning too. Love the premise but do wonder if we need some little inkling of the supernatural flavour upfront....nothing major, just a soupcon. But that could be just me. Really, the more I read, the less I know about critting.... I definitely think you're onto something - just not sure it's quite 100% there yet (which equally applies to mine!). Huge good luck. Jane

Telekinesis.
By Paul. T. Hughes.

Liked the first paragraph of the first Chapter...’he couldn’t quite remember what the second was’
Very interesting - Miss Brady’s example of Newton’s theory and Jordan Murphy’s answer to the problem.
I thought at this point that you had introduced it to combine later on in a ball game strategy...will have to see.
Leah certainly put Zac right when he tried the come-on. “Well if you think that I’m going to allow you the chance to prove that not all men are scumbags, then you will be certainly disappointed.”
What an excellent reply from a confident girl. (I would introduce a comma after scumbags, Leah could be short of breath at this point, and she’s a fast walker.)
...”thanks, but no thanks”... :- might be better with “Big deal, but no thanks.” It would get rid of the repeated word and she does come across as a very confident young lady with a strong voice.
I liked the conversation between Lizzy and Zac as she advised him of his poor hygiene.
Playfully maybe... but a bit of a knock all the same.
You certainly have ability for providing the reader with good description.
Nice creative writing here with a lot of interest for the Y/A market...I think they will take to this like a duck to water...Great stuff!!
On what I’ve read, I would say you have the makings of book that should succeed in reaching the publisher.
I hope so, and wish you well on your journey. Well done!!
Pleased to star rate your book, Paul.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Hi Paul. While fantasy is not something I’m reading a lot of, I did enjoy the first few chapters.
The story has a nice flow to it but…too much telling, narration is heavy, author’s voice is in control.
Ex. “Leah was about to turn without speaking and head for home.” Who knows that? Why not say that Zac felt that she was ready to walk away? Try keeping it in one character’s POV (at least in that chapter—or subchapter). Don’t give reader the narrator’s POV. Use your characters to convey movement, sound, action. The author should be neutral and shouldn’t tell reader how characters act, why, what they feel or think.
Still liked the wordsmithing and I’m backing it. Good luck.
Dan

Hi Paul. While fantasy is not something I’m reading a lot of, I did enjoy the first few chapters.
The story has a nice flow to it but…too much telling, narration is heavy, author’s voice is in control.
Ex. “Leah was about to turn without speaking and head for home.” Who knows that? Why not say that Zac felt that she was ready to walk away? Try keeping it in one character’s POV (at least in that chapter—or subchapter). Don’t give reader the narrator’s POV. Use your characters to convey movement, sound, action. The author should be neutral and shouldn’t tell reader how characters act, why, what they feel or think.
Still liked the wordsmithing and I’m backing it. Good luck.
Dan