Achilles 42

Funnily enough, I started reading this a few days ago - got as far as the Dad being shot and then got called away and forgot to come back. I'm glad I did now, because this is one hell of a ride. I'm three chapters in (body count is rising) and am increasingly of the opinion that you've written a pretty racy, solid piece of pulp fiction (one thing - in chapter 2, the forensics examiners are checking the bodies for fingerprints: do you get fingerprints off bodies? and would an examiner shake a cop's hand while wearing the latex gloves? just checking). To be honest, I rather think that you and your book are a pretty good bet, certainly as far as marketing is concerned, but I want to sit on this for a while, keep it on my watchlist, and check out another chapter or two before I commit (not that my backing would mean much, anyway, because I think a publisher would take you on).

Good luck, and Happy New Year,

Simon

I have been reading a lot of different types of books on this site, but even after all that, I still prefer a book skewed towards plot and action vs introspection. Your first chapter certainly delivers that. I think it's possibly a bit overwritten, and needs a trim at sentence level, about 10% of word count, just to make it a bit sleeker. Get rid of things like 'as he watched', and 'he felt', or 'he saw'. Otherwise, chapter 1 is all good.
In chapter 2, my interest flagged. In the first place, Icouldn't see what the headless and footless corpse had to do with Jimmy (although I don't doubt that it has some connection, but do we need it here?). The other, and perhaps more important, feeling I had was one of 'I've seen this so many times before'. It reads well and all that, but it reads just like any other detetctive story, with jaded detectives sprouting slightly derogatory language at deceased people. I found nothing new in it.
Chapter 3 however! What an ending! A cop shot his parents and the president sent him! These two lines by themselves lift the book out of the realm of ordinary crime into the realm of something fresh and interesting.
So... my hare-brained suggestion: delete chapter 2. Well, maybe not entirely, but shift it somewhere else at the very least. Don't allow an agent who has requested the first three chapters to think: cliche-next! Because I feel the plot isn't cliche, and chapter 2, at the position where it is, does you a disservice.

Hello Countess,

I had a look at the first and second chapters and thought I'd tell you why I gave you a revolving shelf spot today.

I like the pace, and I like the general premise, enough to pick up a book like this. I usually don't do much crime, but this one I did check. I also believe (if you fic the POV problems already alluded to by the good people below) you can make this into a good coherent book.

My nitpick nagging bits then: First , sentences like "A high-pitched, keening startled him", "A clearly angry redheaded man in a black suit, wearing sunglasses stood... ", "We'll get it and the kid later if, we can" should be ironed out as soon as you can, because punctuation and word choice like this make me stumble, at least.

Second, I'd think again about the heavy use of inward questions of Jimmy. I think you have the talent to bring the same issues into the prose itself. Third, I'd apply Stephen King's old adage: Version 2 is Version 1 minus 20% of all words and all the adverbs.

But, please, bear in mind these are just my comments, a non-native reader at that. You have free rein to work your book any which way you like. I liked the book enough to shelf it.

Cheers,

Heikki

BTW Remember the NY Times classic headline? "HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR"? You can quote me when you start plugging for this.

Hey there, Showgirl. Achilles 42 reads like a good, old-fashioned detective novel. I can see this in a bookstore with a great cover and greater readership. I like the way you think and the way you write it is very tradtionally good. There's a few POV issues, and the same grammmatical errors most of us have, that are holding you back at this point. A good, hard scrub can help that.

Chap 1
--nice style. Easy to read, good flow. And very good to start with some action immediately.

--would Jimmy react so quickly though? is that realistic?

--high-pitched keening from the mother, who closed the door. I expected a dead man at this point. but then the boy just sees his father arguing with a redheaded man. Is that enough to make the mom scream like that? Only after that is the father struck for the first time.

--some comma issue '...man in a black suit, wearing sunglasses stood between...' If read literally, it readsa as if the sunglasses were a separate being from the man. The comma indicates this. Just rework that sentence.

--would a young boy know immediately that it was a silenced gun? I'm asking because you're writing from the boy's POV. But this comment pulls the author back into an omniscient POV, knowing more than the boy could personally know. You shouldn't mix POV's. It confuses the reader.

--you do it periodically, switching between Jimmy's POV and the omniscient all-knowing POV. 'followed a speeding bullet', 'once-beautiful rosewood door','as he awaited the bullet that would shatter his skull, erasing his twelve short years of life'. Too formal, too observant for a young boy. This is a GREAT scene, very powerful. If you just pick one of the POVs, it would be beautiful work. But at this point, you lose power by waffling.

Chap 2:
--houw do they its 'out of state plates'? The boy could not possibly know this, and no one else saw the murder, right?

--"Man that was a strange one..." Stop this quote right there and change the rest to narrative until "I wonder what happened to that hole in the ground?". Just simply remove the quotes on the center section. They would not actually share that perfect synposis amongst each other. If you want the reader to know this, its better as narrative.

--why would Marilyn's eyes go wide at the mention of double-homicide. Clearly, she'd seen the dead, bleeding bodies out near the street?

--ants at a picnic - I like that.

--why would the search for bullet slugs be 'thankless'? Often, thats how cases are made more solid, when matching guns are found.

--they're discussing how good-looking the victims were?

--no need to include the actual height of Jimmy here. Looks awkward.

--ok, then Jimmy goes a little nutto. Nice ending, maybe a little weird. But it makes me *want* to turn the page.

Sorry, but I can't stay any longer. I'll tell you that you've got talent and a very compelling story. Fix the POV issues and the grammatical/structure errors and this will read tighter and cleaner. I'm so happy you're not wasting time with backstory. You get right into the scenes, flesh out the characters physically, then plow forward. I love that.

Good luck!
Dave

This is great! I love crime!

Pacy, gripping, very real. Congratulations.

Couple of nitpicks - Have you recently swapped Ch1 from first person to third? There are a few errors where you use my instead of his. Also I think you can make the sentences during the killing short and choppy, to match Jimmy's feelings. I think his POV works very well here, I really felt his fear and emotions. Can I be cheeky and say I would make the opening more dramatic. Loose the gardening scene, and perhaps cut to a gunshot sending him running to the front door? Open with a bang, so to speak!

Also, I think you can go through and cut out a lot of adverbs that clutter some of the narrative.

The dialogue in Ch2 is super. I really believed in Guzman and Marx and the scene with the corpse was chilling and witty. Perhaps you could give a bit more depth to the characters? Introduce us to some of their traits or a little glimpse into their personalities or background. It felt almost too rushed at times, as if we were perhaps missing out on some major detail.

I've read up to the end of Ch3 and love the closing line.

This is very good. It needs a final polish, but you have talent in all the right places and I would suggest you keep doing what you're doing as crime is obviously your passion.

I'll be very keen to hear you comments on my book as agreed, and shall be back to read more once time is a little easier. I've rotated my shelf for today, so shall pop this on at the next opportunity.

Well done!

A fast paced, well-written thriller. You really know how to write action--that double murder was riveting! SHELVED!

I think that you have a good start here. The plot and action you have down but the verbiage and description could use a very heavy polish.

A coupld of things that bothered me, and it probably is just me so take it for what you paid for it.
1. The step mother gets shot and her body spins. A bullet just doesn't do that. I know we see it on TV all the time, but it doesn't work that way. You might want to have her just stop dead in her tracks. Again, just a pet peeve of mine.

2. The father getting shot, I read it as the killer pulled his head back then shot back towards himself. Maybe this could be a bit clearer.

3. Some of the descriptions seemed unnecssary and out of context with the rest of the manuscript. Try to stay consistent with your descriptions, either be very descriptive or less so, but be consistent. I think that a reader comes to have an expectation of what the author is going to present and it can be disconcerting if the author changes gears.

Good luck with it. Please let me know if you put an updated version online.

If you haven't done so please take a look at my MS rerun:
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?pg=4&bookid=4441

Best wishes,
Chris

Hi Gina, Thanks for your comments, I've been kind of ignoring the site for a few days while I finished another ms. I should be able to get back now and take a gander at your read, too.

The chips were laid across her eyes. The CSI people removed them for safekeeping before Eddie and M.E. arrived.

As for Vivian being an escort, I address that in the book. It's not that unusual. Many escorts are married and work with their husband blessing or urging. In Vivian's case, she didn't like it as her diary attests

chips in the eye sockets? hmmm ... do you mean they were shoved into the eye sockets? then what happened to her eyeBALLS? I am not understanding this. Seems disgusting. I thought he just covered her eyes with them os ssomething and you have them IN the sockets! Is that necessary?

and shaking hands with latex gloves on? hmmm.

Details are going to make or break this. I think the idea is good. the characters are interesting, but as I pause too many times to consider what you said about little things, those little things add up and then I am not reading. i am considering wherether it works or not. You can't allow me to pause. Make this so believable that I never consider a pause. 4 chapters and I am still waffeling over reading more. Chapter 1 was really good. Could be tighter. the chapter with the body that was found (ch 3) is that needed? it broke things up between cha 2 and Jimmy claiming the president had his parents killed and when they discuss it further.

ANd Vivian selling her body? ...lol... would that really happen? They came off as not so poor. Would someone really have his wife be an escort? I guess I need to read more to find out why....

Well, this is my 1 cents. Maybe 1.5 cents I am not the best at technical writing things. I am just telling you the things that come to mind as I read.

Gina

Call me completely daft, but I just realised this was set close to where I live. You wrote Alexandria and I thought, "i know where that is!"... then I noticed DC (as if for the first time!) and ehatever went though my mind before must have been air... DUH! DC is like 2 hours away... this is even more fun now!


I think your premis is good. I like the story. I don't feel I am inside the characters as much as I would like. Try to tell it from there eyes. It needs a fine toothed comb to shave out unnecessary words. Being an overly wordy person I find it hard to do. I was told, "only keep what moves the plot forward"

I am still reading and may come up with more hints as to what I mean.
~Gina

I like the combo of Maddox and Sampson. they fit together well. Few things I tok note of ...

"da" Cowboys? You only write it that way once and I really don;t see the need.

"Shit fuck piss" --I think one explative should suffice. It is an awkward combination anyway.

"that sucks for the kid" -- we knwo he is refering to the kid. Shave the unnecessary words. "Man, that sucks!"

Not sure you need Jimmy's description thrown in there like that. I think it just seems tacked in just for info sake. You can weave that info in in other places. maybe just have i him wonder why he is so thin. his hight is easy to stick in later --short, barely over five feet.-- this can be an description as he is doing something else. You break my feel of action by sticking this in. thats all.

The President?...lol... seems odd that the kids would say this. But I am going to move on to chapter 3 :) so I do find this an interesting tale.

Gina

The intensity of the opening few sentences is good. I followed it well (up to the keening, sorry)
Keening? What does that mean? –should it be squeeling ? or something… Does it refer to her screaming?

He pulled a silenced gun…. Not sure I like that phrase.

A toothy demented grin…. GOOD!
--“The stranger, appearing anguished, lowered her” – add commas to offset his feeling
-- “He knelt on his knees beside her and…” –cut the following phrase.. “and kissed her. After straightening, he” * I don’t think you need this. You showed his inexplicable tenderness when he kissed her the first time and lowered her slowly. Have him kneel and place something over her eyes (if that is significant)

A bit wordy and in need of some pruning, but overall a very good first chapter! You describe the scene well. I could feel his fear. Realisitc reactions from a 12 yr old. I like this…. I shall go to chapter 2!

Gina

Countess,

Pretty intense beginning, it really grabs you by the throat. The only suggestion was that the staging and presentation of events seemed......awkward. A few things that maybe a little rephrasing would fix: the scene where the bad guy kills Jimmy's dad....there are a few too many hims and his, and action moving back and forth. The reader has to stop and go, okay, the bad guy is grabbing the dad by the tee shirt, the bad guy is screaming at the dad.....Nothing that a little editing wouldn't easily fix.

You've got a good story here with lots of possibilities. Putting it on the shelf!

Hi there,

This is certainly an entertaining read. Fast pace and lovely characterisations.

Chapter 1 - 'not daring to breath' I think it should be 'breathe'.
'we'll get it and the kid later' I wasn't convinced by this.

Chapter 2 - 'that sucks for the kid' I thought the mention of 'for the kid' was unnecessary.

Chapter 3 - 'what are we doing this?' I was unsure if this was intentional or not. I thought it should be why are we doing this or what are we doing this for?

On the whole, so far (have to go now as my student has just pulled up in the drive) I am really enjoying this story. Fully loaded and well written. On my shelf, but will come back to read more as soon as time allows.

Good luck,

Kat

Hi Showgirl,
Achilles 42 has eventually made its way to the top of my WL.
Chapter 1 notes:
- I'm not sure you need an exclamation mark so soon. It's gone quiet. So? Wouldn't the unexpected quiet be intriguing rather than suggesting that something dreadful is wrong?
- '... stood half outside the front door...' - do you mean she stood in the doorway?
- 'But not enough that, Jimmy...' - i don't think you need the comma there.
- '...spun her thin body around, somewhat' - i don't think you need the 'somewhat', it lessens the impact
- you've used 'then' quite a lot. You could easily lose most of them or change it to another word. too many of them makes it feel as if you're telling the story by ABCs
- 'A knee-jerk reaction caused him to back into the dining room table' - that doesn't quite sound right. he'd back away from the window, sure, and may bump into the table as a consequence. just a thought
- '... which had been setting on the table' - i think you meant 'sitting'
- i think you could lose a lot of the adverbs, they only serve to weaken the point you're trying to make
- '... scooted across the floor to the front door on all four ...' - i think you've missed an 's' off 'four'
- your POV changes with almost every paragraph. you say what the assassin's doing then tell us what jimmy is doing/thinking but still use 'he' as the identifier - sometimes i had to read parts twice to make sure i knew which 'he' you were refering to
- 'A tinge of embarrassment coursed through him for the wetness in his shorts' - like it

Quite an emotional opener, which I guess every thriller needs, but I'm sorry to say that i found some of your prose a little cliched - it was almost as if you were writing things which you thought a reader would expect or need, to understand what was happening. I like the fact that the sirens were unconncted to the murders and using a silenced pistol there's no reason to think that the gun-shots would have been heard anyway.
My personal opinion is that you might want to think about tightening the prose up and maybe not try so hard to include what you think descriptive prose in a thrller should be.
If what i've written upsets or disheartens you in any way, i apologise; it's intended to be constructive rather than just critical.
Regards,
Andy

Greetings Showgirl,
This has an immediate opeing, and promises a fast paced read with lots of action. It could be improved with a tighter edit, such as removing some of the questions (which can irritate the reader) and explanation points (ditto). Think about `showing` not `telling` eg what does a mad-looking (red-headed) man actually look like? Would he be puce? It got me wondering and then I was distracted. If you tell the reader you take them with you.
On my bookshelf for the terrific pace and immediacy of chapter 1.
Good luck,
Ruth

Hi Countess,

I think TomW has made some points that I would reiterate. I remember reading this some time ago and being so confused with all of the close observations seemingly made by this terrified 12 year old. There are too many details jammed in here. Trust the reader to connect the dots - I think the details the reader will supply on his own will be as terrifying as any you can describe.

My biggest problem with the whole premise of the opening is idea that an "assassin" - or anybody cold-blooded enough to do this - would murder two people in broad daylight on the front lawn (I assume in a residential neighborhood), much less hang around breaking down doors. It's just not believable to me.

I think you either need to move the murder scene inside the house (much more terrifying for the kid to partially see/hear it from the top of the stairs), or at least to the privacy-fenced back yard, where the plausibility is improved.

And follow Tom's suggestions, too! Hemingway talked about "the thing left out," other great writers have said it differently. Spare the details where you can. The reader's mind is more vivid than your description can be.

All the best,
Pete

Hey Pete, Yes, It's implausable but guess what? The only true thing about this story is the guy's murder on the front lawn. Oh yeah, the underground pot farm mentioned in the next chapter is also true.

Based upon what Tom said I have trimmed some more sentences and I think I'm about trimmed out. As for people being able to ferret out the story for themselves, fifty million people voted for George Bush. And I'll bet some of them even read. LOL

Thanks for reading and commenting, your book is in my queue.

Funnily enough, I started reading this a few days ago - got as far as the Dad being shot and then got called away and forgot to come back. I'm glad I did now, because this is one hell of a ride. I'm three chapters in (body count is rising) and am increasingly of the opinion that you've written a pretty racy, solid piece of pulp fiction (one thing - in chapter 2, the forensics examiners are checking the bodies for fingerprints: do you get fingerprints off bodies? and would an examiner shake a cop's hand while wearing the latex gloves? just checking). To be honest, I rather think that you and your book are a pretty good bet, certainly as far as marketing is concerned, but I want to sit on this for a while, keep it on my watchlist, and check out another chapter or two before I commit (not that my backing would mean much, anyway, because I think a publisher would take you on).

Good luck, and Happy New Year,

Simon

Well, you certainly don't muck around! Straight to the point. You've chosen the start this first chapter from the kid's point of view, and I have a problem with this. Not for reasons of being squeamish, offended, whatever. but because you're not really telling it from a kid's point of view. What do I mean?

Well, would a kid this age (I'm guessing fairly young) know a silenced gun when he saw it? Might he just think of it as a gun with a "barrel thingy" on the end? "Toothy demented grin" "assassin" are also terms probably beyond a kid of this age. You might go with "horrible smile" or "guy with the gun" or whatever, you see where I'm going. Also, wouldn't he just think of his dad as exactly that "Dad" rather than "Jimmy's dad"? You seem to be distancing us from Jimmy. Also, unless Vivian's being his stepmother is an important plot point, why not just make him her mother?

OK, the next thing I think you need to do is eliminate the unnecessary words/sentences. Go through each paragraph and eliminate what you can. In any story like this, excess words equals lack of pace. It also equals lack of clarity (this applies to any story). It is very much a case of less is more.

Here are some examples.

"Time slowed down as the next thirty seconds seemed like an eternity". How about "Time slowed down" or "The next thirty seconds seemed like an eternity." You get the same effect with less words. Keep that pace flowing!

How about...

"Clearly angry man was... yelling at his father." Yep, if he's yelling, he's probably angry.

"Jimmy's father appeared to be begging, but it was clear the stranger didn't care as he was shaking his head." How about, "Jimmy's father appeared to be begging, but the stranger was shaking his head."?

Anyway, you can see where I'm going. You've come up with a pretty shocking opening, but then you distance us from that shock by not fully engaging with Jimmy's POV. If you don't want to do this, you might as well take a more "distant" 3rd person POV.

I think there could be a good story in here, just the presentation of it needs a little tightening at present.

Regards,

TomW

PS Feel free to rip into one of mine!

A door wouldn't fly to pieces if it was hit by a bullet. It would just punch a hole straight through. Some types of bullet would disintegrate, others would carry straight on. It's too late at night to comment properly, but that one jumped out at me.

Thank you, I've added this to my watch list. I love mystery. Have a great holiday. Linda

Hi Showgirl
Just read the first 3 chapters. It reads well - very professional and couldd imagine it on TV. The language is so convincing. I didn't understand 'just have a Junior.' in chapter 2. In chapter 3 the coroner is asked for a "preliminary judgment". Judgment doesn't sound right to me. You may know better but I'd expect "preliminary report" or simly "prelim". Mr X: Would he really call him that? Sounds very British to me. John Doe is of course the usual expression.

It's great tough, so I'll read on...

Would appreciate you taking a look at my crime-thriller id 4594

Best wishes and Happy Christmas, Murray

Hey Showgirl

Great opening chapter, although my preference would be to drop the final paragraph in favour of the penultimate one. Looking forward to reading more.

You'll find our stories are very different, but hopefully you'll agree that they are similar in voice - easy to read and natural.

Good luck and Happy Christmas - ChrisX

Hi Countess,

I read your first three chapters.

This is an interesting murder mystery. You started with a gripping opening scene and built relentlessly from there. I love the nice hooks at the end of Chapter Two.

Your descriptions of people and paces are sparce, but consistent with your story.

Your dialogue is classic cop language and sounds authentic,

Your pacing is quick and suits your story.

Some suggested edits.

. . . but dad was nowhere around. Capitalize 'dad.'

She Flailed her arm at . . . "Flailed' should be lower case.

"C'mon Red. We've got to get out of here." Comma after 'C'mon.' Same thing with "C'mon Maddy. Can't it wait?" Also "How about you sir?" (comma after 'you.') There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

'Like ants at a picnic' is a cliche.

"Is it that obvious?" She asked without looking up. 'She' should be lower case.

Sampson took it and asked. "What's your preliminary judgement?" Comma after 'asked.'

"Oooh no." He replied in falsetto. You ain't gonna . . . Comma after 'no.' 'He' should be lower case. Put a quote before 'You.'

These are minor edits and didn't interfer much with my enjoyment of your mystery.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?

Your writing in Ch. 1 is very good, the pacing excellent. The suspense is palpable. You use your economical style effectively, but you don't skimp on descriptive details. The following chapters, though, rely too much on dialogue to drive the story forward. In my opinion, they need more meat on the bones. Also, early on I thought I detected an element of farce (Carlos Santana) that I liked, but then I grew uncertain about whether it was really there. Because the font changes in Ch. 5, I had the feeling that the second half of what's posted may have been written before the first part--but maybe that's only because of the different font. If you could maintain the level of excellence you achieved in the first chapter, this would be a book I'd really want to read.

A good, exciting read with interesting characters I want to know more about. Enjoyed.

Hey there, Showgirl. Achilles 42 reads like a good, old-fashioned detective novel. I can see this in a bookstore with a great cover and greater readership. I like the way you think and the way you write it is very tradtionally good. There's a few POV issues, and the same grammmatical errors most of us have, that are holding you back at this point. A good, hard scrub can help that.

Chap 1
--nice style. Easy to read, good flow. And very good to start with some action immediately.

--would Jimmy react so quickly though? is that realistic?

--high-pitched keening from the mother, who closed the door. I expected a dead man at this point. but then the boy just sees his father arguing with a redheaded man. Is that enough to make the mom scream like that? Only after that is the father struck for the first time.

--some comma issue '...man in a black suit, wearing sunglasses stood between...' If read literally, it readsa as if the sunglasses were a separate being from the man. The comma indicates this. Just rework that sentence.

--would a young boy know immediately that it was a silenced gun? I'm asking because you're writing from the boy's POV. But this comment pulls the author back into an omniscient POV, knowing more than the boy could personally know. You shouldn't mix POV's. It confuses the reader.

--you do it periodically, switching between Jimmy's POV and the omniscient all-knowing POV. 'followed a speeding bullet', 'once-beautiful rosewood door','as he awaited the bullet that would shatter his skull, erasing his twelve short years of life'. Too formal, too observant for a young boy. This is a GREAT scene, very powerful. If you just pick one of the POVs, it would be beautiful work. But at this point, you lose power by waffling.

Chap 2:
--houw do they its 'out of state plates'? The boy could not possibly know this, and no one else saw the murder, right?

--"Man that was a strange one..." Stop this quote right there and change the rest to narrative until "I wonder what happened to that hole in the ground?". Just simply remove the quotes on the center section. They would not actually share that perfect synposis amongst each other. If you want the reader to know this, its better as narrative.

--why would Marilyn's eyes go wide at the mention of double-homicide. Clearly, she'd seen the dead, bleeding bodies out near the street?

--ants at a picnic - I like that.

--why would the search for bullet slugs be 'thankless'? Often, thats how cases are made more solid, when matching guns are found.

--they're discussing how good-looking the victims were?

--no need to include the actual height of Jimmy here. Looks awkward.

--ok, then Jimmy goes a little nutto. Nice ending, maybe a little weird. But it makes me *want* to turn the page.

Sorry, but I can't stay any longer. I'll tell you that you've got talent and a very compelling story. Fix the POV issues and the grammatical/structure errors and this will read tighter and cleaner. I'm so happy you're not wasting time with backstory. You get right into the scenes, flesh out the characters physically, then plow forward. I love that.

Good luck!
Dave

I'm giving this a quick go on my shelf.

Hello Countess,

I had a look at the first and second chapters and thought I'd tell you why I gave you a revolving shelf spot today.

I like the pace, and I like the general premise, enough to pick up a book like this. I usually don't do much crime, but this one I did check. I also believe (if you fic the POV problems already alluded to by the good people below) you can make this into a good coherent book.

My nitpick nagging bits then: First , sentences like "A high-pitched, keening startled him", "A clearly angry redheaded man in a black suit, wearing sunglasses stood... ", "We'll get it and the kid later if, we can" should be ironed out as soon as you can, because punctuation and word choice like this make me stumble, at least.

Second, I'd think again about the heavy use of inward questions of Jimmy. I think you have the talent to bring the same issues into the prose itself. Third, I'd apply Stephen King's old adage: Version 2 is Version 1 minus 20% of all words and all the adverbs.

But, please, bear in mind these are just my comments, a non-native reader at that. You have free rein to work your book any which way you like. I liked the book enough to shelf it.

Cheers,

Heikki

BTW Remember the NY Times classic headline? "HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR"? You can quote me when you start plugging for this.

Very good opening, Countess. My single (only, whatever) critique is that the expression of Jimmy's emotions sometimes slows down the action. You may consider trimming them back to the bare essentials. But that's just a thought. I'll read on. Thanks, D.S.

I have been reading a lot of different types of books on this site, but even after all that, I still prefer a book skewed towards plot and action vs introspection. Your first chapter certainly delivers that. I think it's possibly a bit overwritten, and needs a trim at sentence level, about 10% of word count, just to make it a bit sleeker. Get rid of things like 'as he watched', and 'he felt', or 'he saw'. Otherwise, chapter 1 is all good.
In chapter 2, my interest flagged. In the first place, Icouldn't see what the headless and footless corpse had to do with Jimmy (although I don't doubt that it has some connection, but do we need it here?). The other, and perhaps more important, feeling I had was one of 'I've seen this so many times before'. It reads well and all that, but it reads just like any other detetctive story, with jaded detectives sprouting slightly derogatory language at deceased people. I found nothing new in it.
Chapter 3 however! What an ending! A cop shot his parents and the president sent him! These two lines by themselves lift the book out of the realm of ordinary crime into the realm of something fresh and interesting.
So... my hare-brained suggestion: delete chapter 2. Well, maybe not entirely, but shift it somewhere else at the very least. Don't allow an agent who has requested the first three chapters to think: cliche-next! Because I feel the plot isn't cliche, and chapter 2, at the position where it is, does you a disservice.

Very Interesting observations Patty. You are right Chapter two is germane to the story as it is written, but breaks the continuity of the opening scene. I could move chapter two back or since it occurs three days previous, I could make it a prologue. Scratch the prologue, the murder scene needs to open the story.

I have been reading a lot of different types of books on this site, but even after all that, I still prefer a book skewed towards plot and action vs introspection. Your first chapter certainly delivers that. I think it's possibly a bit overwritten, and needs a trim at sentence level, about 10% of word count, just to make it a bit sleeker. Get rid of things like 'as he watched', and 'he felt', or 'he saw'. Otherwise, chapter 1 is all good.
In chapter 2, my interest flagged. In the first place, Icouldn't see what the headless and footless corpse had to do with Jimmy (although I don't doubt that it has some connection, but do we need it here?). The other, and perhaps more important, feeling I had was one of 'I've seen this so many times before'. It reads well and all that, but it reads just like any other detetctive story, with jaded detectives sprouting slightly derogatory language at deceased people. I found nothing new in it.
Chapter 3 however! What an ending! A cop shot his parents and the president sent him! These two lines by themselves lift the book out of the realm of ordinary crime into the realm of something fresh and interesting.
So... my hare-brained suggestion: delete chapter 2. Well, maybe not entirely, but shift it somewhere else at the very least. Don't allow an agent who has requested the first three chapters to think: cliche-next! Because I feel the plot isn't cliche, and chapter 2, at the position where it is, does you a disservice.

Hi Countess - just read the first chpt, and it's a fast, attention-grabbing assault. Nice stuff. There's a lot of work to be done in terms of editing. I note others have commented on the POV issues which still appear to be there (if you don't know what we mean by POV, he says patronisingly, drop me a message and I'll explain). Quite a few other typos and stuff too (e.g. "sat the side of the road" - need a 'by'; "redheaded" needs to be hyphenated; "IJimmy" should be just "Jimmy"). I think you'd really benefit from re-visiting chpt 1 in a month or so, completely fresh and with a ruthless red pen. I know you can do better with some of your similes too. E.g., "like a rag doll" is far too run-of-the-mill for this exciting opening scene. With just five mins of your time I'm sure you can come up with someone far punchier.

I'm really in two minds on whether to shelve this. There's some good stuff here, but it does need work. I'd be interesting in reading it again when you've given it a proper going over with your cruel editor's hat on. As it stands, it's a tiny bit clunky. That said, I'm keen to nurture the diamond nestling in amongst the rough here, and I think a shelf for your obvious potential might spur you into action. I hope so. Good luck with it.

- sestius

Hello Sestius,
Call me blind but I'm having trouble picking up the POV problems. The closest thing I could find was when Jimmy thought the redheaded man was angry, so I added clearly angry. BTW. redheaded is in common use in America, unhyphenated. I do normally write in first person and switched the opening scene to third person and missed three places. Thanks for the other things you mentioned. The rag doll is now a marionette. And a special thanks for the shelf. I have you on my watchlist and will make a point of visiting your book this weekend.

The writing is fluid and easy but I have a problem with the premise. Seven thousand years? And kids are playing playstations and lawns are being mowed? Maybe I need to read further on for clarification but If I think five thousand years ago I'm in Hittite/Sumerian territory and that is SO different from the present. It's just not different enough for me.

Huh? Seven thousand years ago? Where are you getting that? The opening scene takes place on Las Vegas in 2010

Hi Countess - just read the first chpt, and it's a fast, attention-grabbing assault. Nice stuff. There's a lot of work to be done in terms of editing. I note others have commented on the POV issues which still appear to be there (if you don't know what we mean by POV, he says patronisingly, drop me a message and I'll explain). Quite a few other typos and stuff too (e.g. "sat the side of the road" - need a 'by'; "redheaded" needs to be hyphenated; "IJimmy" should be just "Jimmy"). I think you'd really benefit from re-visiting chpt 1 in a month or so, completely fresh and with a ruthless red pen. I know you can do better with some of your similes too. E.g., "like a rag doll" is far too run-of-the-mill for this exciting opening scene. With just five mins of your time I'm sure you can come up with someone far punchier.

I'm really in two minds on whether to shelve this. There's some good stuff here, but it does need work. I'd be interesting in reading it again when you've given it a proper going over with your cruel editor's hat on. As it stands, it's a tiny bit clunky. That said, I'm keen to nurture the diamond nestling in amongst the rough here, and I think a shelf for your obvious potential might spur you into action. I hope so. Good luck with it.

- sestius

Good first chapter. I have a few suggestions which I'll mention tomorrow. On my shelf. Good luck.

This is great! I love crime!

Pacy, gripping, very real. Congratulations.

Couple of nitpicks - Have you recently swapped Ch1 from first person to third? There are a few errors where you use my instead of his. Also I think you can make the sentences during the killing short and choppy, to match Jimmy's feelings. I think his POV works very well here, I really felt his fear and emotions. Can I be cheeky and say I would make the opening more dramatic. Loose the gardening scene, and perhaps cut to a gunshot sending him running to the front door? Open with a bang, so to speak!

Also, I think you can go through and cut out a lot of adverbs that clutter some of the narrative.

The dialogue in Ch2 is super. I really believed in Guzman and Marx and the scene with the corpse was chilling and witty. Perhaps you could give a bit more depth to the characters? Introduce us to some of their traits or a little glimpse into their personalities or background. It felt almost too rushed at times, as if we were perhaps missing out on some major detail.

I've read up to the end of Ch3 and love the closing line.

This is very good. It needs a final polish, but you have talent in all the right places and I would suggest you keep doing what you're doing as crime is obviously your passion.

I'll be very keen to hear you comments on my book as agreed, and shall be back to read more once time is a little easier. I've rotated my shelf for today, so shall pop this on at the next opportunity.

Well done!

Hi Countess - thanks for the comments on Punchline, and the shelf, much appreciated.

I agree with the schoolboy thing, I've already edited it out and will probably upload the revised chapters today/tonight. On past/present narrative, there were a few points where I avoided using the present for an apparent ongoing, one example being the 'days like this' line. To my ear it is better in the present, but I don't think I'm giving much away by revealing he gets sacked a couple of chapters later, so technically it's not ongoing. Do you think that matters, or am I being too particular? Interested to hear your thoughts on that one, as I've been going back and forth on it for a while.

I've added Achilles 42 to my bloated watchlist, will hopefully get to it soon.

Cheers, Paul.

EDIT: I'll have a look at the coffee inconsistency. Earlier versions had him noting a dislike only for the Nescafe instant available in the office. One of those office things - the free coffee is usually shite, but when you're desperate ...

Fast moving first chapter, will watch this and come back to read more later.

Hi, thanks for reading and commenting. The first three paragraps, tie up in further chapters and are really the building blocks of the story.

Having read the first two chapters of Achilles 42, I agree with most of the comments. Very fast and action packed, but could do with a little editing and polishing, I too found ‘surge of elation’ a bit odd. I especially agree with some of Debbie's points. Good luck!

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I will look at the issues you have noticed. This is my first attempt at writing and I welcome any feedback. I am going to read a few chapters of your work but as you can guess my ability to give constructive criticism is somewhat limited.
Maza

It was a pleasure to read.

If you fancy a bit of juvenile smut, I'd love your thoughts on Sim

Hi Countess, getting caught up on some of my reading tonight. This struck me as very good thriller material, managed to hook me in good and early and you have a way of approaching your chapters like scenes from a movie. There are a few points where this could use an edit or trim. And one minor oddity that threw me in your first para: 2010, Playstation 2? It may be that you are painting a picture of someone who can only afford antique games consoles, but it's the sort of thing that can either be a nice touch or a hurdle. In my case it threw me out of the action and of course that's a problem with technology - it can so easily date things. You might overcome that problem - if it's a problem for others - by just saying 'Playstation'. Other examples of trims/edits you could make: 'time slowed down for Jimmy as the next thirty seconds seemed an eternity'. That's two ways of saying 'Time slowed', and we don't need the 'for Jimmy' because he's the POV character. And for me, the use of phrases like 'brain detritus' and 'heart was palpitating' feel too clinical/technical for such dramatic moments. So I'd be looking for 'rawer' more imaginative alternatives. That aside, dramatic, well paced and generally has a lot of that essential impact and drive I'd expect from a thriller.

Hi,
I love pacy writing so this was just want I wanted to read. There is a real sense of event on event with very clever flashes of detail. It reads very like a filmscript in places and i found myself wondering whether that might prove to be your natural home as a writer. It is very visual and some of the dialogue- I've read three chapters is outstanding but like the other reviewers I think this could do with a little more work and polishing. Some of the reactions seemed underwritten and there were a few places where it didn' seem to me that you had always chosen the most powerful words possible. But these are things you can easily work on . The real talents are there- you have a writer's eye and ear.
Jak

Welcome, hope you get plenty out of this site. I like to look at new authors so I've put you straight onto my watch list. Best of luck!

Welcome, hope you get plenty out of this site. I like to look at new authors so I've put you straight onto my watch list. Best of luck!

Hi Countess. Well, what can I say:- Very fast paced right from the start, immediate action, graphic detail. Some would tell you to cut any unecessary information but not me. I think giving us the make of the lawnmower adds something - a contrast between normality and the events unfolding that morning on the front lawn. I think it needs an edit just to tidy it up a little eg. at the end of C1 "surge of elation" doesn't fit very well (elated if your parents have just been shot?) maybe "surge of relief". Also you probably need to look at the punctuation in places - you're not alone in that, the punctuation in mine needs some serious attention.
Good luck with it.......................Jack.

Hello! This is the reply I left for you in the forum. But, I see you left before I posted it. Hope it helps.

Your best bet is to go to the commentator's page and comment. Some members do not have comment pages because they do not have a ms posted. In that case, comment on your own page. Many people use comments as a form of marketing, so they are really hoping to have you visit them. Also, it is very difficult to remember everywhere you have commentated. The best way to receive a response to your comments is a place you visit regularly. Does that answer the question? There was actually a lengthy thread on how to reply. I belive it is under "Discuss Authonomy".

Hi Countess,

Thank you for reading and the shelf space! At this point the story is only told from Katrina's POV. It's still very much a work in progress to the point that I'm not always sure what I'm thinking when I write ;) Thanks for the feedback.

Alice

Thanks for your comments. :-) All appreciated.
Hannah

Hello
I read the first 2 chapters. Thought it was well-paced, slick and fast. And you had me totally with you in ch 1, waiting for the assassin to come in!!! Astute use of dramatic tension, very visual in a way.
Just some comments, when he sees his parents get shot, we don't really experience any of the boy's emotion. How did it feel? Just one line would capture this. Try and show it, maybe, through a physical reaction (like when wets himself through fear - that totally illustrates his fear).
He noticed scurried footsteps? Would have thought heard is more apt.
At the end of ch 1, he calls the cops and yet he has already heard the sirens. It's a nice end, but if I heard sirens, why would i call the police? Small points I know....:-)
And one final point, re font. Might just be me, but I find it easier to read in times roman, as opposed to courier (I think this is courier? Courier more for a film script.
Overall, though, shows a lot of promise, and I think you show a deftness at moving a story along.
Hannah

Got a touch confused in chapter 1 as you mention Jimmy’s mother and his step-mother. I wasn’t sure if they were two separate people at first. I also wasn’t convinced that a woman would run up to the man who’s just murdered her husband? He shoots her too and she spins round so Jimmy can see her face, then the man shoots her in the face – but has the man moved to do this? And would he be able to close her eyelids if he’s just shot her in the face at close-range? There wouldn't be much left of her face.

Having said that, it was a good read. Good pace and tension and a mystery – who is this man who has just killed his parents and why? A good hook into the next chapter.

Chapter 2 is very different. It almost felt like I was reading a different story. A change in viewpoint is fine, but your first chapter is very up close to Jimmy with his thought in italics, but chapter 2 is much more detached with no clear viewpoint. In its own right, it’s a good chapter but I’m not sure how it follows from chapter 1 and I worry that you’ll lose your audience here as there’s no clear link between the two chapters.

Chapter 3 – again a completely different set of people. Although we then get the connection to Jimmy and chapter 1. Great last couple of lines to chapter 3!

Overall, I like this. But I think there’s a lot more in your head that you’re not putting down onto paper. I think maybe you need to write a lot more detail into this, get more into people’s heads, explain the links between the characters. Show us some emotion and feeling. Much of it will get cut later, I expect, but I think it needs to be there to start off with.

Great first few chapters though. I enjoyed reading this very much.

Hi Countess,

Just finished reading through Chapter 2. I loves me some good crime fiction. Yours is well written with good dialogue. I found Chapter 1 vivid and engaging. You captured the boy's fear very well. Chapter 2 had a good mix of information and witty words. There were a few typos and a couple spots that could be smoothed out. Overall, I enjoyed reading your work and will be back for more. Good luck!

Alice