The Phantom of Annwn (Part of The Last Celt Trilogy)

I like your short pitch. It has a ring to it that repeats itself to the readers, making them curious. I like your character names, they are unique and new (always a good match together). You make a nice impact at the beginning, it really draws the reader in. It's bold and interesting all at the same time. You have a great prologue that moves nicely into chapter one. Your style is refreshing and easy to follow, with some great pacing. It appears you have gone through and done your best to get a lot of the editing done. Not a lot of adverbs, which is nice. It's an interesting idea and I think a lot of people would really enjoy this. I wish you the best of luck reaching the Editor's Desk.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Paul

Thank you for your critique of my book 'The Phantom of Annwn; my brother hasn't let me down, but my Bishop may have???

I have read each point you have made and will seriously consider all. As for plageurism, as my bishop, I feel a little let down. You obiously failed to see the paralels taken from genesis, Dueteronomy, Judges, Ruth, Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Isaiah, jeremiah, Ezekial, Daniel, Amos and Malachi; and that's just the Old Testiment; I could go on with the New Testiment, The BOM and D+C; YOU OBVIOUSLY AREN'T THE SCRIPTORIAN I TOOK YOU FOR.

One of the main premise of the book is that all religion is descended from one truth. And if you delve into the Celts' obscure beliefs you will find that to be remarkably evident. Another premise is, "And did those feet in ancient times!" We know he walked the Americas, but what of the "Other sheep" he spoke of. (You will have to wait for the prequil!!!

Thanks, I do value your comments and hope you enjoyed it.

Let me have a copy of your book and I will do a Trish on it!!!!

Kind regards

Your big brother

Hi Dave,
OK. I've now finished the book and as promised will give my critique.
I have to say that I really enjoyed it. I was not expecting to enjoy it as much having read half of Above the Italian Woods, which I was not so keen on. The Last Celt was much better. Hyw is a great character and the action scenes draw you in.
I was a little disappointed in the ending of the book. There was no explaination as to how Mathog suddenly appears out of nowhere with a bunch of almost friendly Irish Slags and his son's explanation that he wanted to die at Hyw's hand was a little unconvincing.
I have various criticisms that are meant to be constructive:
1. You need to learn how to use 's. I don't think you got one right in the whole of the book. It is one of my pet hates but I'll save the English lesson for another time. I('m sure my manuscript is full of grammatical errors.
2. I didn't like the way that you conveyed character's thoughts (note the use of the 's!) You often put their thoughts in speech marks which makes you think initially that they are speaking out loud. Often people put thoughts in italics rather than speech marks and it differentiates better.
3. Some of the names I struggled with. I question the use of Mynddy as a main character. Too difficult to pronounce for an English reading audience and they might just give up. Also, name similarities sometimes were confusing with Mathog and Maddrog (hope I got the spellings right. Sometimes you were not quite sure who was being talked about.
4. Certain issues with plageurism of Biblical text and the Doctrine and Covenants. I recognised Matthew 19 and D&C 122 to name just a couple. However, those passages are quite poetic and fitted with your style and I don't think there is any copyright on Biblical / religious texts so no legal issues to worry about.
5. Hyw's waking visions played a large part at the opening of the book but trailed off a little towards the end. Sometimes it was difficult to distinguish between dream and reality. This may be by design but I think the reader needs to be clearer about when they are in the action and when it is a waking dream / vision. An example of this is when Hyw sees his uncle at the end and he is not sure if he is seeing the past or the present and then suddenly Mathog appears. I wasn't certain that his appearance was not just part of the vision or whether Hyw was in danger.
6. Sometimes I think that your hereoes / heroines are too perfect. Although I liked the character of Mynddy generally (a woman who has lost the power of speech - need I say any more) but a Goddess in asppearance and the most feared warrior this side of the Atlantic is too much for me to take in. Her accuracy with a bow in full flight on horseback is a miracle. I wasn't convinced that even Hyw could be so accurate in battle but Mynddy is even better. Some falability of the main characters can often endear us to them. I think that we get that from Hyw because he feels that sense of resposnibility at not being able to save his family and others even though his efforts are heroic in themselves.
7. You don't spell Plait (as in plaitted hair) PLAT.
8. I perhaps would have liked a little more background on the conversion of Hyw's father, grandfather and uncle etc. on what I assume is the Isle of Patmos. I know that is probably for the prequel but if someone didn't have any religious background they might need a little more than oblique references to John the Revelator.
I am making this critque too negative and that was not my intention. I should conclude by saying that I did really enjoy the book and I put other's that I am reading to one side to finish it. The book needs polishing from an editroial point of view but I think it is really good.
Oh, just one final bug bear. I was actually disappointed that Hyw and Mynddy consummated their relationship. I thought that there was more mystery and tension between them before that happened. I just don't like reading sex scenes as they are always a little fanciful. Never mind others will probably want more not less.
Hope I haven't been too negative because that wasn't my intention.

Paul

Hi Dave,
OK. I've now finished the book and as promised will give my critique.
I have to say that I really enjoyed it. I was not expecting to enjoy it as much having read half of Above the Italian Woods, which I was not so keen on. The Last Celt was much better. Hyw is a great character and the action scenes draw you in.
I was a little disappointed in the ending of the book. There was no explaination as to how Mathog suddenly appears out of nowhere with a bunch of almost friendly Irish Slags and his son's explanation that he wanted to die at Hyw's hand was a little unconvincing.
I have various criticisms that are meant to be constructive:
1. You need to learn how to use 's. I don't think you got one right in the whole of the book. It is one of my pet hates but I'll save the English lesson for another time. I('m sure my manuscript is full of grammatical errors.
2. I didn't like the way that you conveyed character's thoughts (note the use of the 's!) You often put their thoughts in speech marks which makes you think initially that they are speaking out loud. Often people put thoughts in italics rather than speech marks and it differentiates better.
3. Some of the names I struggled with. I question the use of Mynddy as a main character. Too difficult to pronounce for an English reading audience and they might just give up. Also, name similarities sometimes were confusing with Mathog and Maddrog (hope I got the spellings right. Sometimes you were not quite sure who was being talked about.
4. Certain issues with plageurism of Biblical text and the Doctrine and Covenants. I recognised Matthew 19 and D&C 122 to name just a couple. However, those passages are quite poetic and fitted with your style and I don't think there is any copyright on Biblical / religious texts so no legal issues to worry about.
5. Hyw's waking visions played a large part at the opening of the book but trailed off a little towards the end. Sometimes it was difficult to distinguish between dream and reality. This may be by design but I think the reader needs to be clearer about when they are in the action and when it is a waking dream / vision. An example of this is when Hyw sees his uncle at the end and he is not sure if he is seeing the past or the present and then suddenly Mathog appears. I wasn't certain that his appearance was not just part of the vision or whether Hyw was in danger.
6. Sometimes I think that your hereoes / heroines are too perfect. Although I liked the character of Mynddy generally (a woman who has lost the power of speech - need I say any more) but a Goddess in asppearance and the most feared warrior this side of the Atlantic is too much for me to take in. Her accuracy with a bow in full flight on horseback is a miracle. I wasn't convinced that even Hyw could be so accurate in battle but Mynddy is even better. Some falability of the main characters can often endear us to them. I think that we get that from Hyw because he feels that sense of resposnibility at not being able to save his family and others even though his efforts are heroic in themselves.
7. You don't spell Plait (as in plaitted hair) PLAT.
8. I perhaps would have liked a little more background on the conversion of Hyw's father, grandfather and uncle etc. on what I assume is the Isle of Patmos. I know that is probably for the prequel but if someone didn't have any religious background they might need a little more than oblique references to John the Revelator.
I am making this critque too negative and that was not my intention. I should conclude by saying that I did really enjoy the book and I put other's that I am reading to one side to finish it. The book needs polishing from an editroial point of view but I think it is really good.
Oh, just one final bug bear. I was actually disappointed that Hyw and Mynddy consummated their relationship. I thought that there was more mystery and tension between them before that happened. I just don't like reading sex scenes as they are always a little fanciful. Never mind others will probably want more not less.
Hope I haven't been too negative because that wasn't my intention.

Paul

I've come back to this again after some time and re-read the first three chapters and then the next three. I still find this novel a well polished tale of the Celtic past that has lovely flavours of Welsh and Irish that enrich the sense of time and place. The tale keeps its ancient feel with the still old style dialogue that to my mind enhances rather than detracts from the novel's pace. Some readers, sad to say, might find it too antiquated which nowadays, with hopeless modern phrases peppering some historical fiction, is not surprising. Me I'd rather be fully transported back to the past without jarring bits of modern usage to remind me I'm not there.

The novel is beautifully evocative and well researched, its descriptions at time very lyrical and just bordering but not quite on the overblown on a few occasions (like her autumn tresses). The style and tone is unique and keeps it crossing over into lterary with its underlying themes and its format. In view of this I think placement might be an issue for some agents who might struggle to decide if it is an all out historical novel or a literary one. The action at the outset mark it for the swashbuckling historical section but the passages with Hyw at home take it in the other direction. Though I hate to suggest anything to change this novel because I personally like it very much, my own experience makes me to offer possible ideas to take it to the more marketable historic swashbuckling end. In that framework you could consider tightening up the descriptions with Hyw at home and the backstory and even combining chapter 3 and 4 so that there is not too much of a lull between the action and the uptake of Hyw's visions into the story. The time spent on Hyw's family is just narrative description and backstory for the most part and fills both chapters and slows down the pace of the story. This is just an idea though and one that reflects the concern that this worthy tale is slipping down the ranks. Other than that there is nothing really wrong with the tale a few misplaced commas and repetitive words, but these slip through in all of our works and are not worthy of notice. Kristin

Hi D'Osborne, firstly, thank you for backing LONDON. Will re back your work....give me a day.... I enjoy the fact you've your own writing style, meaning you don't try to copy/be like someone else. You take your genre and make it your very own.

blessings,
jim

Hello D 'Osborne Hughes,

As promised I started reading your fine book :}. Off the bat, let me say that you put an original spin on a story based in Ireland. An example includes the trained stages, which normally depict a peaceful symbol in Irish lore. The other thing I admire is the extent in which you edited your story. I understand this since I'm doing that same thing!

With these in mind, I do have a few suggestions :}. I couldn't imagine the house and forge since they weren't explained in detail. What time period this is based in? If it's pre-Norman then the houses were mostly domed shaped. The other form of housing were the settlements built on islands.

I thought it was interesting how the villain was an outlaw. To further add to this concept, It would neat if you explained how his exile related to the Irish Brehon laws.

And lastly, I think if you introduced the family at the beginning of the chapter the story it would make it clearer.

But overall, I loved it :}. I like anything that's based in Ireland. I'll give ya top stars!

After careful consideration, I am in the process of re editing The Phantom of Annwn, following some comments and critiques I have recieved on authonomy; mainly dropping the use of Olde English. I have just up loaded the prologue and chapter one in the new format, if any of you wish to take a look. Thanks for all your support.

David

Love it. :-) Happily backing.

Jim
p.s. thank you for backing LONDON

I read your prologue and first chapter.

General comments: A gripping start. A sympathetic main character. Vivid imagery. Excellent tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) "I am the father of Ywel, whom we shall see; The Boys' grandfather." Boys' (plural possessive) should be Boy's (singular possessive).

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... something of its strength has been set in Hyw's heart,' Replace the comma with a period.
2) 'It's nothing ... !' He thinks to himself ... Use an ellipsis ( ... ) or an exclamation mark, but not both at the same time because they signify two totally different things. Hesitation or exclamation. There are more cases of this type of problem. Also, 'He' should be lowercase. 'He thinks' is a dialogue/thought tag (tells who said/thought something). When a thought tag follows a thought, the first word of the thought tag is lowercase.
3) 'Hyw can feel the encroaching malice ... ' Try to avoid using the verb 'feel.' Just describe his feeling so vividly the reader will experience it along with Hyw. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
4) 'Tis a ... A CAPTIVE!' There is no need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics or an exclamation mark to emphasize words. There are more cases of writing in all caps.
5) 'I am too late ... !' He grieved to himself ... 'He' should be lowercase. 'He grieved' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase. There are more cases of this type of proble,
6) "Well done Hyw bach!" Comma after 'done.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a wonderful day.

Al

Hi there! Love the genre. Placing yours on my WL. Love your comments on my own epic if you have the time.

sincerely,
Jim

I'm not usually a fan of prologues, but yours is well-written and intriguing. The writing flowed smoothly and left a lot of questions unanswered. It opened up a lot of possibilities for this novel and set my expectations high.

I'm happy to say that chapter one didn't let me down. From the first sentence, "Hyw is a man in waiting," until the end, chapter one held my interest.

The pacing and the level of writing in this kept my interest. You're a talented writer. Good work!

Suggestions: I'd be careful with how many times you use "set" in the third paragraph of chapter one. Is "slightly" or "instantly" necessary? Your writing is strong enough without unnecessary adverbs. I'd comb through this and cut the ones that don't strengthen your writing. In fact, a quick read through to polish your manuscript would improve this already strong opening.

Minor typos: There's a comma at the end of the last sentence in the third paragraph of chapter one instead of a period. Also, it should be a comma, not a semicolon in the sentence that starts, "Stalking through the shadows..." You also don't need the comma in the sentence "Hyw's world hedges..." The sentence "Having seen the danger..." has a dangling modifier. The tang of an unfinished blade hasn't seen the danger. Hyw has. The sentence ought to read, "Having seen the danger, he grips the tang of an unfinished blade in his hands."

This is a fast-paced, exciting start to an epic fantasy. Glad I stumbled upon this one. I'm hooked!

* On a side note, I don't have a problem with Hyw's name. I like it. :)

Hi D'Osborne!
I am pleased to read your work, the blurb sounds fantastic!! I will write in this box while I read through....
My first impression is that the writing is very good. I enjoyed the voice in the first section very much, although I must say that the old english thee's and thou's were distracting, because they are not what I am used to "processing" when I read. However, you have used the language very well.
Hyw is a difficult name. I do not know how to pronounce it, when I read it, in my mind.
Present tense is difficult to write in... it is also difficult to read. I would suggest using past tense? However, again, you have used the present tense very well.
All up, an interesting chapter, a solid story, and great dialog. Thank you for sharing. I have rated you highly. :)

I think it’s a brave step to use old language for speech and requires great skill in ensuring authenticity and continuity. As such I don’t think it’s surprising that on the very odd occasion certain phrases seem a bit confused. To me “unwavering” actually seems modern in the prologue speech but I’m weird about things like that.
In Ch 1 I find the paragraph beginning “When Hyw’s grandfather” a little confusing to read but this is the only thing which bought me away from the world described. I wanted to cheat and read a later chapter to get a more in depth feel but as soon as I began I realised it would be ruining a book I would enjoy to read in full so I shall have to spend the time and do that.
I think it’s captivating and extremely engaging. I’m always willing to suspend my disbelief but this story does it for me.

Fantasy is not something I read, but I saw your post in the forum, so I thought I'd check it out. I read the prologue and Chapter 1 and you certainly have a talent. You write beautifully. Highly rated for that alone. Thanks for the read! JKinkade

This is a classic hero's tale that could have come right out of the Mabinogien or the Ulster Cycle. It has so many elements that define the hero in his youth and rise to manhood. The voice you've created to tell the tale is distinct and evokes the sense (like your prologue) that we are all sitting around the fire breathless, waiting to hear what will happen next. The use of the present tense seems to empahsize that feeling, and though it can be exhausting in some books to maintain that approach, in the first three chapters that I read it works well. You establish the characters well and give a good sense of their background and motiviation. Though the language is antiquated and almost precious in the voice you've established it works well. As a harper who used to tell various "Celtic" tales to the harp I found this a really fascinating read and will continue to dip in and out of it. Kristin

This story is intriguing, having read little of the Welsh of that period, or any for that matter. After 3 chapters, I am hopelessly absorbed in the tale. I conclude that this author is a great storyteller and deserves a read by one and all.

You have a very vivid and blessed imagination. Very well written and backed by me. Henry

Phantom of Annwn
Fiction, 3rd person

Premise, knights and maidens and a war. Who wouldn't love it?

Plot: well supported through Ch 1

Pacing: Ch 1 flows fairly well, with plenty of tension. The vonacular gave me pause and I had some trouble following some of it.

POV strongly maintained in the young boy's POV through Ch 1

Mechanics: very clean as far as I could tell. (in the pitch, end of 1st para... should it be "he still blames himself for their deathS."? 2 deaths?

Overall, this is a good read with plenty of tension to maintain a grip on the reader. Rated 6* and holding on WL until a space opens on my shelf.
Raechel
Echo

Not commenting until I've read more, but I shelved because I liked immeditately the whole tone of the writing, and the story grabbed me. I want to read on past the first few chapters, then comment.
Cariad.

I have been privilaged to read the whole manuscript of this book and liked it so much I read it a second time. The story unfolds on serveral levels and would appeal to most ages and tastes. The story plays out like a film and the author's decriptions paint a vivid story as someone else has commented. It is like sitting in the cinema.

Now the book has been up loaded onto authonomy, I intend reading it again so I can give a detailed critique.

My summation for now would be that the play between Hyw and Mathog is a rollercoaster ride of blood curdling action and heart stopping suspence, which keeps you on the edge of your seat until the very end. There is even a battle of whits between the two at sea, which enthrawled me.

I will be back to make more comment soon; keep it up David.

Alan

***************************************Author’s notes****************************************

‘The Phantom of Annwn’, as a story, has been coaxed from the uncertain histories surrounding the Brythonic Tribes of Western Europe, or the Celts as some have a want to call them. Integral to this tale is the ancient languages those peoples have kept sacred. Whilst I recognise the difficulties that arise in mixing our many differing and noble languages, I have found it almost impossible to tell this story without using some words inspired by, and drawn from, the language of my birth, but I have tried to keep this to a minimum. Personally, I find a certain joy in the interpretation and pronunciation of the more obscure words and unusual names found in some of the books I read, so I hope you find a similar joy in my work.

The following two words play an important part in the telling of this tale:
Bach (Pronounced as in the composers’ name) in Welsh is an endearment. As a child, I felt an overwhelming sense of love from my grandparents and that love was made manifest in the two words, ‘David bach’. Its strict translation is ‘small’, but its meaning is closer to ‘dear’; in fact it was rarely separated from the Welsh word ‘Cariad’; meaning, ‘loved one’.

Annwn (Ann-oon) ‘Hades’ to the Greeks and Romans; the closest Christian translation would be ‘Hell’. But from my limited knowledge – gleaned from the modern day commentaries of the Celts obscure beliefs – I have come to understand ‘Annwn’ as a Spirit World, a place from which we have wandered and, following our deaths, that place to which we will return; – if only for a short time – a world of spirits, encompassing both good and evil.

In places, this book portrays violence; it is an essential part of its narrative, but my intentions are not to glorify or degrade in its telling. The stories behind its brutality however, have not been gleaned from our history books, (Although we are undoubtedly the legacy of a brutal and violent past {Rome was built on treachery and corruption}) but to our shame, it is taken from accounts hidden behind the news reports of our, so called, more enlightened times. No matter how hard I seek the answer, the question posed in the song I learnt as a child still haunts me, “When will they ever learn?”

I have been overwhelmed with some of the critiques of The Phantom of Annwn. As a result I have looked at various things and revised chapter one and taken the Prologue away all together; some of you will not have read my original prologue. The Irish, in history, were refered to as the Scotti but I think my reference to such was one step too far. Mathog is Irish and I now refere to him and his men as such. I have also change some of the dialogue of the Irish/Mathog in chapter one and will do the same in coming chapters.

Thank you all, your opinions and critiques are much valued.

David (The Last Celt)

This is an interesting and very well written novel. The characters are well formed and the plot moves along at a good pace. Your knowledge comes across in the text without boring the reader with needless history. There is very little technically wrong with any of your writing. Some of the dialogue didn't feel right though and I was unsure of what accent you were trying to portray. The biggest hurdle to me, as a genre fan and your target audience, is the present tense style in which it is written. Nothing wrong with this, just a personal choice. I feel far greater sense of suspense for work written a past tense and preferably third person.

Overall a very fine start and now on my shelf. Well done
Linton

An interesting novel. Not sure why you have 'Part II' in the title - It implies it's the second book in a series, but there's no mention of a Part I in your profile.
Couple of nit picks:
Writing phonetically makes the dialogue difficult to follow unless the reader is reading it aloud. Since most don't read aloud, I would rewrite Mathog's lines so they are easier to follow - I only knew from the pitch he was meant to be scottish; I didn't get that from his dialogue, so it's not worth keeping it as it's currently written.
Secondly, watch out for 'buried dialogue', ie, where each line of dialogue is separated by prose. It has the effect of disrupting the flow so the reader is liable to miss some of the information being conveyed via the dialogue. It's also something that agents will reject a mss for.
If you check out a few published novels you'll see most have short sections of dialogue, separated by paragraphs of prose; a format which helps the passage flow.

- NaomiM

Read the first 3 and last 3 of the uploaded chapters of this. The authors roots and inspiration are clear and the 'Mabinogion' is surely an influence in the writing. Authentic and assured descriptive prose, clearly backed up by . detailed research.There are several great action scenes. The final chapter is a heartpounding, prolonged masterclass of terrifying bloodthirsty action. It is almost too much and too good. A bit like the opening scene of 'Private Ryan' - you wonder if the rest of the tale might be an anticlimax. At the same time you know the denouement between Hyw and the wonderfully evil Mathog will be something to be savoured.
My only comments/suggestions would be that the introductory voice might be better positioned as a tale-teller around a dark age campfire in the evening. I think it needs some sort of orientation. I was surprised that you continued with this voice in later chapters as the material it contains could be given in the central tale and the extra voice narration seems to me to add an unnecessary extra layer between the reader and the action of the story. Some of Mathog's utterances were difficult to follow and could be adjusted slightly to smooth the readers task without hopefully reducing the impact of this great character. ****** from me and the best new HF on the site. In place for a slot on my shelf.

Sam241

Please call me David or Doz

Thank you for looking at my work. I know I suffer from the old purple haze (lol) and I have been considering chopping the prologue for sometime now; I think you may just have given me the courage to do so. I will revisit both and be brave!!! You are anything but brutal and I shall have words with my brother; I will also look at your critique and consider amending where appropriate.

Thank you again for your time and experience.

David

David

Mr Hughes! I have come for the read you asked for. Prepare yourself!

...well actually feel free to discard/pilfer/steal any of the following if you feel it helps. Remember, you are the author, you're in control!

Pitch- very good. But don't be afraid to break into into short paragraphs. Makes it easier to read.

PROLOGUE

Okay that first line is purple prose. This means you've over-written it. No need to try so hard! Keep it short and simple: 'What is that little voice inside us that makes us believe our lives are integrated into a cosmic pattern?' About half the words but keeps all the sense. Chop out the padding, else reading becomes like walking through treacle!

Rest of the paragraph is the same. Content is lovely and poetic, but the sentences are running off into the sunset (I'm pretty bad for that myself). Shorten them up and slice away the fat!

In fact the rest of the text is the same. Interesting set up and fairly clear character voice, but waaaay too much waffle! Get the garden shears/ hedgetrimmers out and cut cut cut those excess words!

Otherwise, nice one!

ONE

Much much better! Not nearly so overwritten and matching a very stylized voice. Good flow and very mysterious. Not a lot to say really!

ONE (again?)
I'd not have a Prologue AND Introduction. I might say stick with the Intro and ditch the first prologue. Would help get to the story sooner.

I see you've opted for present tense. Which is fine. I will say however that most readers in this genre are used to reading in the past tense. So this could potentially put people off (I tend not to like it, either). But this is totally up to your discretion.

Wow, did you really write the same prologue? Again this is a lot better because your sentences are neater. Still room for further tightening, I'm afraid, but not nearly so convoluted as before!

Careful with repeating words close together (e.g. the girl's 'vacant' eyes). Often you don't need it the second time.

Ah, some proper high fantasy. Not to my taste, unfortunately, but you've got the tone done very well. It's sure to be lapped up by the true fantasy fans. Apart from the excess wording in places, I can't find much else to comment! Characters are good, action is intense, tension and pace seem fine- it's got all the right ingredients.

Sorry I couldn't be more brutal? Lol!

Good luck and all the best,

Sam241

Mr Hughes! I have come for the read you asked for. Prepare yourself!

...well actually feel free to discard/pilfer/steal any of the following if you feel it helps. Remember, you are the author, you're in control!

Pitch- very good. But don't be afraid to break into into short paragraphs. Makes it easier to read.

PROLOGUE

Okay that first line is purple prose. This means you've over-written it. No need to try so hard! Keep it short and simple: 'What is that little voice inside us that makes us believe our lives are integrated into a cosmic pattern?' About half the words but keeps all the sense. Chop out the padding, else reading becomes like walking through treacle!

Rest of the paragraph is the same. Content is lovely and poetic, but the sentences are running off into the sunset (I'm pretty bad for that myself). Shorten them up and slice away the fat!

In fact the rest of the text is the same. Interesting set up and fairly clear character voice, but waaaay too much waffle! Get the garden shears/ hedgetrimmers out and cut cut cut those excess words!

Otherwise, nice one!

ONE

Much much better! Not nearly so overwritten and matching a very stylized voice. Good flow and very mysterious. Not a lot to say really!

ONE (again?)
I'd not have a Prologue AND Introduction. I might say stick with the Intro and ditch the first prologue. Would help get to the story sooner.

I see you've opted for present tense. Which is fine. I will say however that most readers in this genre are used to reading in the past tense. So this could potentially put people off (I tend not to like it, either). But this is totally up to your discretion.

Wow, did you really write the same prologue? Again this is a lot better because your sentences are neater. Still room for further tightening, I'm afraid, but not nearly so convoluted as before!

Careful with repeating words close together (e.g. the girl's 'vacant' eyes). Often you don't need it the second time.

Ah, some proper high fantasy. Not to my taste, unfortunately, but you've got the tone done very well. It's sure to be lapped up by the true fantasy fans. Apart from the excess wording in places, I can't find much else to comment! Characters are good, action is intense, tension and pace seem fine- it's got all the right ingredients.

Sorry I couldn't be more brutal? Lol!

Good luck and all the best,

Sam241

I found this book it took me back in time I almost felt like I was living in 423AD the language was of the time and I enjoyed every chapter. I hope the author goes on to write many more books.

Enjoyed Chpater One. Introduction needs some work. When the grandfather talks using Thee Thine Thou and Cnast etc sometimes it is a little too much. If you halved the amount of times you used that language it woudl still convey what you wanted to but over use affects the flow fo the writing. Chapter One is much better and you build up the tention well. Enjoying it so far.
One final point. You refer to the date being 7th September 423 A.D. and it is grandfather that informs us of this. I'm not convinced that the months as we know them woudl have been know to him in 423 A.D. but I'm happy to be proved wrong. I also thought that 4th September was a better date but you shoudl avoid the 8th like the plague.
Paul

I think the gramar is wrong on the last line of the prologue. I think it should say - 'but its telling is not of me.'

Interesting Prologue and Introduction though perhaps a little lengthy before the story starts. Just my thought of course. But certainly by the start of chpt 2 the action is vivid and fast paced. Clearly you have spent time on research and it shows.
I do understand you are trying to keep Mathog's speech authentic but it may prove useful to include a way of interpreting the words, it can cause a stumble trying to make sense of them. Your skill for creating imagery is without question, a strong asset to your writing and it was easy to feel the 'darkness' of the Red Raiders visit. There are one or two odd sentences and a format issue in the text but nothing an edit won't put right, as we all have to edit in order to polish.
I sense a good story here and one which keeps me wanting to read on. Meanwhile, I'm happy to give it some shelf space shortly and star on the way. BTW is there a Part I ? Margaret.