Daddy's Little Spy - Isabella. isbn9781844264728

Hi Isabella. I'm adding this to my watchlist.

Isaballa

This is the most amazing writing i have ever had the pleasure to read. You are totally fantastic.

A great book.

best

You are totally fantastic, Isabella! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoir book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

A heart rendering tale of child abuse that is dark, yet full of courage. Isabella is endearing, and accounts like this need to be published so people can help and understand. Well written.

backed,

Lisa

Hi Chick,
Incredible and terrifying. I'm shocked but admire the writing. Phew, what a read.
Backed with best wishes, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

You have written a very dark and gritty, yet compelling storyline on child abuse and a young girl's love. You have created a most memorable character in Isabella. The dialogue is well written and the pace of the story flows well. This and your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear Isabella, I found out that you have 3 books when I backed your 3rd book a bit ago, so I guess there will soon be a 4th book? :) Your pitch beckoned me to read & your crisp paragraphs & dialogue kept me reading. :) I will go back your 2nd book, now. :) Hope you'll take a moment to back my 2 memoir books. :) Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

Chilling and well written. Backed.

Isabella,
I have now read your first chapter and I was horrified of what was taking place. Your story really got me involved. I am of course backing it.
A couple of small things: I think you have misspellt the word "magic" in your short pitch. And at the end of chapter 1 i am wondering a little about "I let Nana (to?) walk me down..." but I am not English so I might be wrong.
Good luck!
Nillan
Blue-eyed in Luhya-land

Great book covering an horrendous crime.

Good luck with it.

Melxx
UNICORN

Isabella

Terrifying because it happens....Can't for the life of me understand how, but it does .......Fabulous writing, my eyes flew across the screen.....I would much rather have read this in book form......I dont like reading from my pc for too long....

I made a couple of notes:-

I worried (that) it would burst.........I worried it would burst.
I didn't know (that ) I was leaving......I didn't know I was leaving
but found (that) it slowed me down.....but found it slowed me down.
Afraid (that) Nana wouldn't hear me.......Afraid Nana wouldn't hear me....

I became away of seeing 'that' where you didn'r need it....

Hope this helps...

Best wishes to you for 2010.....Shelved with pleasure.

Hi Isabella. Pitch looks good. I don't like reading stories that contain child abuse and the beginning was upsetting but still the writing is competent, excellent narrative, and the story sounds like a good one. I don't know if 'based on a true story' applies well. Only read a few chapters but I think it will do well here. I'd suggest you take your name and isbn number off after the tittle. It's distracting to the draw of the title itself. Best of luck with it. On my shelf. best of luck with it.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

Hi, i'm really sorry to have taken such an extraordinarily long time to get to this. (You commented on my book 'Witch Child' back around Christmas time.)
I always write notes as i read and i try to give honest and usefully critical feedback. If you prefer not to read any criticism, please ignore the rest of my comment.

The moment i started reading the first paragraph i somehow felt that it would read better in the present tense. My mind was trying to read it that way.
There are an awful lot of sentences starting with 'I' in the first paragraph. I'm not sure if it's deliberate but it's a little awkward to read.
'a thin trail of blood' 'thumb' just how bad is the cut on her thumb!
'splattered' 'dizzy' Again, is she missing the top of her thumb? There seems to be too much blood described for it to be anything less and nothing less would be likely to make her actually dizzy unless simply from the sight of her own blood.
'The threat... no God' – this seems rather advanced philosophical musings for a child i take to be less than ten. 'Had... gone to sleep' seems more convincing.
'spiteful tricks' – seems rather mild coming from Isabella when she knows her mother was going to kill her.
'Nana scolded. You're a' – 'Nana scolded. “You're a' (missing speech mark typo)

I'm not really clear if this is a true life or a horror story. I'm afraid i don't find the subject matter very appealing and I'm not finding it terribly easy to suspend disbelief. Most of the time Bella is a convincing character, with a few exceptions, but I'm not getting much of an impression of depth to the mother's character. However, this may improve further on, so please take this comment with a pinch of salt! In fact, take it all with a pinch of salt, because Horror is not my usual genre! I wish you the best of luck with it, anyway.

Hi Isabella, gripping stuff. Please put up a big placard when this is published and I will buy it and buy copies for all my friends at christmas. Paul.

I put this book on as fiction but locally it leaked out that it was based on a true story -I caught the backlash from people who do not understand child abuse and believe wrongly that the victim should always be left with the mother. Munchausens by proxy is a little known syndrome.

I like the idea - but I think you should list this under children's. It would be a great way to enlighten kids to child abuse and allow those kids that are abused to see that there are solutions (even if yours are magical ones). Shelved.
Ed (Mutant Toe)

Book signing went well but I'm trying to get literary agent for third book Intimate Enemies. thanks Helen for your message of hope. and ilyria for your love of opening chapter - it was difficult to write as brought back so many sad memories I hope it was worth it in the end.
isabella.

Just a note on your second chapter - when starting a new paragraph that is still speech, you need some quotation marks inserted.

What a wonderful opener. I read the entire chapter without stopping. Well-written and the worst villain any child could have, the Mother.

Shelved.

Emma x

Jesus, Girl!

And I thought MY family was dysfunctional ( I'm still holding onto my own thumb to make sure it's still attached to my hand)!

Granny (Nana) was just as whacked out as Mum, or even more so, IMHO. She let her daughter get away with being an unrestrained mental case. I would hope that normal Grannies wouldn't have to wait until their grand-kids are missing fingers and bleeding profusely before they decide to intervene on behalf of overwhelmed or inhospitable parents.

I have backed this with anticipation -- as I can't WAIT to see what happens next!

Isabella--

Thank you for daring to write about a subject that no one wants to touch-- a mother who does not love her child, and in fact, hates her. As a mother, it s almost incomprehensible to me that such a thing is possible, but I know for a fact that it is sometimes true. This has to have been a difficult story to write and I applaud you for tackling it.

I'll be happy to give Isabella self space. Best of luck to you!

Karen

Actually I'm not on as chickdaniel - can't remember password - have had to start again as isabella and back to over 2000 oooer
isabella/chickdaniel

Hi folks
Finally back on as chickdaniel - whoopee. my book stagnated whilst I couldn't get into site. I put it on again but of course started at nearly 3000 so would take ages to built it up charts. So asked to come back to you all as me.
Now I can recommend other peoples books.
isabella.

Chapter 3

I think after chapter one the next following 3 chapters should be 2. POV of Nana, 3. POV of Bella, 3. POV of Bea. I believe this would make the story more emotional and we could get into more interior thoughts of the family members and how they think of Bella/Bea instead of just reacting to a situation and best of all we can see the POV and interior thoughts of Bea (how does her twisted mind really work?)

The premise of this book is very interesting and has such potential. If this is based on a true account, I would not dismiss writing as memoir going from present to past throughout (Bella now, Bella past, Bella now, etc.)

Julia Rush
My Parallel Universe

Chapter 2

Mummy would not get away with what she was doing in 1939 in 2009 (at least not in America). Child endangerment, child abuse. Mummy has a history of viciousness she should be seen by a psychiatrist! Nana's dialogue and voice seems stilted. How old is Bella? She is a thoughtful child.

Chapter 1

Opening the book with the action of the Mummy, daughter chase is a good idea it immediately gets the reader involved. I wouldn't use the spelling of Lord, Lawd. I am assuming from your description that Nana is upper class and Lawd sounds like Negro dialect. I would replace Lawd with "Heavens."

Chapter 1

Opening the book with the action of the Mummy, daughter chase is a good idea it immediately gets the reader involved. I wouldn't use the spelling of Lord, Lawd. I am assuming from your description that Nana is upper class and Lawd sounds like Negro dialect. I would replace Lawd with "Heavens."

Dear Isabella:

I plan to finish your novel this weekend and make comments. Looking very forward to the read!

I have backed your book.

Julia A. Ergovich
My Parallel Universe

Hi Isabella,

I was a little worried that I wouldn't be able to read this beacase of the subject matter. However, I found it intriguing. There must be a good imagination at work here - I hope anyway.

I felt that the writing flowed well, although occasionally some dialogue seemed a little clunky. eg 'I needed to do that to let off steam because I'm so angry at your mummy' I know it's an old trick, but reading aloud has helped me to iron some of my own clunky dialogue out. Sometimes, Bella's language seemed a little too grown up (I too am battling with this.).

I like the fact that this is not an ordinary story. I admire you for taking on a difficult subject. I am happy to shelve and wish you luck with this.

Kat
Don't Forget Your Lucky Pants

Hi Isabella. Wow. This is a compelling tale - and quite clearly a very personal story. Anyone who has been the hated child will relate to, and be riveted to Bella's nightmarish experience.

Your writing style is clear, concise and easy flowing. I love Bella's descriptives and observations. Sometimes when a child is in a state of trauma, random things will make vivid impressions on them. Perhaps for distraction so that the mind can cope, perhaps to mark pivotal moments that will stay, and be recognized as still open wounds later in life, to be healed. She may relate specifically to her own hair color and the trace of her own blood, for instance, as a means of connecting to a sense of self - so I find the reference to be placing her in her body, which helps me be in her body with her.

I would make just a few small adjustments. The first person dialogue of Bella speaking to her Nana seems a tad grown-up. The language should be simplified so that we understand that she is only 4. However, this is clearly not a journal written by a 4 year old, but a book written by an adult, from recollections of childhood, so the narrative is fine.

"They munched their homemade biscuits and supped (sipped?) their tea in silence."

Since she is screaming as loud as she can, you might want to add exclamation points to "Help - Police. (!) Help me.(!)" You may even want to italicize it.

I'm gladly backing your book! I would love to see more books approaching the topic of a mother's lack of ability to love their children. It is a real phenomenon, yet rarely approached - yet you and I did it, and clearly we have much in common. I look forward to your response to Dover Graye!

Shannon

You have a wonderful action sequence to start the story. I suggest that it will be even stronger if you stick to the first person completely, ("I didn't know it but I was leaving a trail of blood" has to go) and remove all your 'subtle' attempts to slip in extraneous details, like the colour of her hair and the tiles on the walk. In some openings you can get away with it, but in this intense personal experience, they stand out quite obviously.

The change of mood in the second chapter allows some description, but the detail about the back boiler in the fireplace suggests an author enjoying her own research.

I agree with the comment below about the age of the narrator. It's really hard to know what a four-year-old would know or say, but she seems older than that most of the time. She especially wouldn't know "frog-marched" I suspect.

I am concerned about the flatness of the suspense in chapters 3 and 4. For example, at the exact moment when there should be a climax of action, when the father tries to take her home, you step away into generalities and say "I kicked and screamed" and don't give us the details or the actual conversation of scene. This scene sounds as if you wrote it in the third person, and changed it later. You even call him "Harry" instead of "Daddy."
If this isn't the case, it's a sign that you haven't internalized the child's voice, and are still thinking up the story in third person, then trying to translate it into how a child would see it.

If that makes any sense :-)

In general, you have a great premise here, and the cruel logic of the way the family acts is too real to anyone who knows how the society of that time worked.

Hope some of this helps. Good luck in Authonomy!

Wow - this book is freaking me out...in a good way, but also in a "I'm going to need a stiff drink" way. Pieces of it - like "short blond hair" sentence - are opportunities to find more nuanced ways to get details across. POV - always the tricky thing, even in first person.

No question that the writer knows how to write, and she knows a hell of a lot about laying on the vivid description. For this reader, some of the hard punches here trigger my gag reflex and throw me out of the story. A writer that doesn't know her own strength? ;)

Hi Chickdaniel

Having read the opening chapters, I can see that there is some powerful stuff here. The opening reads like a vivid description of a nightmare –literally, in fact that is what I assumed it was, with the classic symptoms, being chased by someone or something much more powerful, doors shut against you, opening your mouth to scream, but nothing coming out.

The idea of a mother hating her own child is one we’ve all heard of, but still shocking when depicted as here. It is clever that the reader can interpret this as witchcraft –if they are so disposed – or as in my case as evidence of paranoid schizophrenia. From a modern standpoint it is hard to believe that a mother in this state would have been allowed to look after a child, but, with the connivance of the father I suspect the authorities might have “let be”. (This has a modern resonance when you think of the controversies about children left in abusive houses. I don’t know if you have done much research about what happened then.)

I do wonder why the grandmother, who is obviously quite shrewd and self assertive, doesn’t do more to take her granddaughter out of danger.

It’s interesting that it’s set in early 1939, so at first you think the air raid siren is a howler, but of course they would have had tests as you say.

You capture a child’s limited understanding well. I love her image of “a chip on her shoulder” exactly what I would probably have thought then.

I think the writing improves in the second chapter. Like Paul below I think the description of Nana’s house is particularly evocative.

I would like to have seen more description of the setting – presumably a large town if they have air raid practice, and a bit more reflection of the atmosphere in England at that time. I daresay this will emerge further on.

In all an arresting take on a difficult subject. Am happy to back it.

Thanks to everyone who is backing this book. I'd like it taken over by a traditional publisher so want to push it up the rankings fast. Locally W H Smith have decided to stock this and my other book which was sponsored by Arts Council site To Catch a Thief -didn't realise what a well used title this was until tried it out on google - so I'm very pleased for all the help I'm receiving.
pamela

wow!!!
what a powerful stuff. I couldn't get my eyes off the screne.
You are an a mazing writer, this is one of the best ms I ever seen.

Loved it and backed it,
Kimmy

Hello Isabella,

This is a very frightening novel. I'm putting it on my watch list till I get room on my shelf.

Joanna

This is a very interesting read and it has some lovely writing in it. I particularly liked the descriptions at the beginning of Chapter 2. I did find some of the dialogue a little heavy, a little unnatural and I would, personally, be very careful using words like 'snarled', 'clucked' and 'crooned'. They are very difficult to use successfully. The basic idea behind the book, though, was what made me carry on reading. The chilling first chapter is just horrible (I mean as a scene, not your treatment of it). If you post any more I would be grateful if you let me know so that I can come back and read some more.

Paul House (Common Places)

This is scary stuff! But you do get a marvellous sense of fear, tension and horror in the first chapter. Your talent at dramatic scenes certainly comes over. Just need to add the quotation marks you've left out in ch. 2. Can't see anything else to nit pick so far. But I seldom look for that. I love the pace and feel so far and it certianly draws one in. I will put you on my shelf. Maybe you might like to take a look at The Crimson Bed some time? Lorri

This is scary stuff! But you do get a marvellous sense of fear, tension and horror in the first chapter. Your talent at dramatic scenes certainly comes over. Just need to add the quotation marks you've left out in ch. 2. Can't see anything else to nit pick so far. But I seldom look for that. I love the pace and feel so far and it certianly draws one in. I will put you on my shelf. Maybe you might like to take a look at The Crimson Bed some time? Lorri

Maza told me to have a look at your book, I've had a look and backed it maybe you could have a look at mine.

Isabella,

I'm taking you of the bookshelf because as I said my reshelving made no difference to your rank. Take me of yours as again it won't affect my rank. Also the books with a yellow star can't make any more progress as they've already made it so to speak. Perhaps if you bookshelf was revamped you might make more progress up the charts. Anyway good luck and talk soon.

Hi Isabella,

I'm so sorry to hear you were ill. I hope you are feeeling better now. Your books are going from strength to strength which is fabulous and I hope this continues. I'm looking forward to watching your interview. I backed your book again but unfortunately this makes no difference to your rankings as I had previously backed you. I will recommend your book to some other people on the site and hope you get recognition for your excellent work.

Hi Pamela, thank you so much for backing the girl on the swing. it's only recently finished and needs neatening up - certainly not published. I'm just trying to work myself up to approaching some agents. Archaeology walks in the Peak District is published by sigma, has sold around 5000 copies and is still in print. being a niche non-fiction this was easy to place. fiction is very different! good luck with yours. I think there are several problems with self publishing, not least working without professional editors whose salary depends on selling your books. I am planning to approach agents who offer editorial guidance because firstly they are more likely to take on newcomers and secondly they will make sure the book is revised to a high standard before offering it to publishers. Ali.

Hello Pamela,
Sorry it's taken so long to get back to you, and thanks for getting in touch. You are clearly a very competent writer, as the first chapters of Daddy's Little Spy show. The subject matter is harrowing and guaranteed to hook any reader with a heart in. I like the child-like narrative voice and I was convinced by the story, well done.
I have put it on my bookshelf and hope that jolts it out of its 420 position. Thanks for backing my book.
Nicky
(Chickens and Churchbells)

Hi Isabella. what a terrifying story this is. the first chapter has an urgency and immediacy captured in the terrified voice of a young child. In the second chapter the mood is calm by comparison because the child is temporarily in a place of safety. I think this is very powerful writing indeed.
Given the compelling plot and your accomplished writing I'd like to discuss a couple of tings that I don't want you to take as criticism or suggestions that you should change anything but rather as bouncing ideas to get you thinking creatively about where this is going. I think you at the stage where you are really tightening up every sentence ready for that publishing opportunity.
Firstly, there are a few places where you begin a new paragraph but don't renew the inverted commas. I believe I'm right that according to UK standards, if you have continuous speech spanning several paragraphs you need to renew the opening inverted commas with each paragraph even tho you haven't closed them at the end of the previous one.
there are a couple of places where you have used words or phrases that are cliche or almost so - sorry I can't quote them as I can't page back without losing the comment. I think your writing is too good for this so it would be worth finding alternatives.
the third thing I'd mention - and this is a complicated one - is the age of the voice. In chapter one you are narrating in the voice of a little girl. the way you say things like eg Mummy ran down the street indicates this. everything in this chapter is kept simple. however, in the second chapter the voice seems older. It is more like an older person reliving the scene thru their young eyes. Altho the young voice is very effective in the first chapter the change in the second is confusing. I don't think you will be able to keep up the very young voice for the whole book because you will be limiting yourself in the vocab and concepts a young child would understand.
I can think of 2 ways you might get round this. One would be to write the first chapter in the present tense in the voice of the young child then, in the second chapter, switch to an older voice telling what happened to her as a child. the other would be to write it all in past tense from a slightly older perspective but make the first chapter more immediate by using child-like language in thoughts eg Mummy would want to kill me, I thought to myself.
have a think anyway. I wouldn't have written tis much if I wasn't really intrigued. will continue watching and reading for now. Ali.

I just finished the first chapter of Daddy's Little Spy. It definitely hooked me, so I'm moving the book to my bookshelf.

Hi msarann - I'm glad you've added my book Daddy's Litle Spy to your watchlist. I hope you enjoy reading it. It can be purchased directly from me at special xmas price of £6.99 with p/p £1.50 or ordered from any bookshop isbn9781844264728 or from amazon through my website daddyslittlespy.co.uk .

YouWriteOn.com the arts council are publishing my second book a mystery romance TO CATCH A THIEF in december hopefully in time for xmas. I think this will be about £3.99
happy reading pamela/or isabella depending on which book you choose..

Hi Pamela
have just had time to read your first chapter - looks interesting so have watchlisted for later - will come back with comments soon!

Frankie

Hi Isabella. I'm adding this to my watchlist.

Pamela,

Thanks for your bookshelf. I have a few people and one in particular who have been supportive and helpful to me on this site and I will mention your book to them. Take a look at I laughed the Day I Died by Jim Mc Dowell, I think you'll like it. It can be difficult to get readers and feedback but your book is excellent and deserves attention.
Maza

Hi Pamela,

I took you off my bookshelf to make way for three more new writers but this action won't affect you ranking. I'm stil behind in my writing but will be back to you asap.

Maza