DarkStar

This is a really good story. Each chapter leaves me with more questions. Some are revealed, while more questions are added to the list. I find that the making of a good book. I can easily see DarkStar becoming an instant success when it is published. I know I will be in line for it.
DarkStar is definitely going on my shelf!

-Charmain

Hi Bek,

I have read the first two chapters. You have sucked me in. I look forward to reading more as I get the chance. I'm putting this on my shelf. Will give more feedback later. This for now:

For constructive criticism, the prose sometimes seems a bit wordy (I struggle with the same thing). This might just be my personal preference; however, I think you would be spot on if you could be a little more concise with your paragraph structures. For compliments, what I have read so far reminds me of Timothy Zahn... In my book, that's a big compliment.

Regards,

Douglas

Aside from comments others have made, I just want to say that this is an impressive story. It made me think of Firefly or such great sci-fi stories. (Granted, Firefly was a show). Everything has a structure...I was greatly impressed. Characters and storyline/back story flow seamlessly. Excellent! Worthy of publication and bestseller's lists! The only typo is saw was psych--I believe it's psyche. But I'm not completely sure. It was the first scene of Justyn older. I don't remember any others....
Again, wonderful story. I'll be coming back. And I'll put you on my shelf when I have the space! ;)

--Shieldmaiden

Bek,
You have a way with words when it comes to describing a scene - mood, clarity and relevance all come into play. I
was drawn into your Justyn character as he struggled with his natural impulses along with those controlling his thoughts, and I could appreciate his huge dilemma. The battle was clearly on two fronts, in his physical world and in his mind. Thank you for the intriguing tale.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Thrilling story!
The story moves a long at a good pace and develops at a good pace.
Cool names for the characters.
You still have an amazing talent for writing.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

DARK STAR
This book is based on an interesting theory: can you get children to do bad things through time-release hypnosis? It certainly worked in the first chapter to make that an interesting read. Your characters are good (liked the way they were able to tape everything Justyn did) although you might think about making them a little more concerned about this latent hypnosis could do to children in the long run. Either way, I liked this. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

DARK STAR
This book is based on an interesting theory: can you get children to do bad things through time-release hypnosis? It certainly worked in the first chapter to make that an interesting read. Your characters are good (liked the way they were able to tape everything Justyn did) although you might think about making them a little more concerned about this latent hypnosis could do to children in the long run. Either way, I liked this. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hello Bek:

I had only planned to read the first three chapters of DarkStar, but the story was so gripping that I ended up reading through chapter 8. That alone should testify to your remarkable storytelling ability. You have a lot of competition in the Sci Fi world, but this novel holds its own quite well.

I noticed a couple typos:
Chapter 3: "As me made" should be "As he made"
Chapter 6: "He man" should either be "He" or "The man"

Well done! Blessings and wonderful success to you!

James

Good story. You have the knack to make it flow and good dialogue.

Hi, Bek – this is your CCRG review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I like your SP – straightforward and clear. I know what this book will be about. I do think ‘interstellar assassin” is a bit essy, but don’t know what you could do about that.

In your LP: Does Damone administer or administrate? I think you can remove the word “when” from the first sentence. That removes the two instances of when so close together and tightens the sentence. The third paragraph had me confused for a moment, because you referred to the Crown Princess by a name we don’t know yet. It’s just a momentary confusion, but I think you want to be clearer in your pitches.

Your pitches tell me this is a genre I don’t often read. I won’t be able to comment on whether or not your ideas are derivative or “done” or anything like that. This will be pure, unadulterated Hag work.

I am a big believer in the importance of first lines. Does the boy standing on tiptoes to punch in his code have relevance to the story? Does it contain a hint of what is yet to come? I do admire your nice verbs in the first paragraph: stretched, touch, grinned, cocked.

The verbs continue to unspool. The Hag likes.

You introduce the other-worldly aspects of your setting slowly and carefully. I like realizing that the boy has some kind of power – what I first thought was his memory of the voice that taught him the keycode has become something more sinister. He made the man’s pulse stop. Masterfully done.

I may have to take up sci-fi and fantasy. It seems to attract writers of the highest caliber. I love the way this first section takes us from an innocent child stretching up to punch in a keycode—something my children did every day upon arriving home from school—to a murderous tyke with ominous powers.

This ability to control the minds of subjects reminds me of the television show “Dollhouse.”

In the paragraph starting with “Gyra paused…” Try a period after learned. Or a colon. Just not a comma.

By the end of chapter 1, I know to fear the Vosque. I confess, the exchange of pertinent information between Damone and Gyra isn’t very interesting to me; that’s my dislike for the genre talking. But it’s very well done.

“He laid his hands on Justyn’s shoulders, to which…” I believe you wanted at which.

I’m a little curious at the end of the second chapter- curious in a good way. I want to know why Justyn so willingly follows the directions of a Vosque. I want to know why Anell is so suspicious of him.

A number of people are introduced in the first paragraphs of the third chapter. I wonder if their introductions can be made more gradually? (Keep in mind my failure to appreciate Sci-fi.)

Now that I’ve read two plus chapters, I am genuinely curious about your world and its people, a testament to your ability to hook a reader. I imagine a reader who actually likes this genre would be champing at the bit.

Nicely done!!

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

This is a really good story. Each chapter leaves me with more questions. Some are revealed, while more questions are added to the list. I find that the making of a good book. I can easily see DarkStar becoming an instant success when it is published. I know I will be in line for it.
DarkStar is definitely going on my shelf!

-Charmain

I read through the first four chapters, so here are my thoughts for each.

Chapter 1:
I liked the opening, but I think you were a bit off on some physiological points. A broken jaw should do MUCH more than ache and throb. Also, going unconscious is more a sense of displacement (dream-like, if you will) than it is "going black around the edges." I'm very familiar with the sensation, as I practice judo and have been put out by chokes many times.

I also had some issues with some of of the dialogue. The "You do know that name means 'righteous'" part sounds REALLY forced. In the next line, "I comprehended" would be better as "I'm aware of." The "so you're proposing counter-culture" line doesn't fit with "he had heard her speech before." It implies that Damone doesn't know what's going on, when it's obvious that he does. Perhaps there's a better way for him to prompt her explanation? The line "they must be complete them in succession" shouldn't have the "be" there. Finally (my criticism isn't all negative, I promise!), you make a good point with the "if he can control other bodies, he should be able to resist the DC40" line. The counter-point is also good.

Overall it's a pretty interesting setup. You plunge the reader into a gripping situation, but it's not really a flashback or dream or premonition. It fits right where it should be in the story. The whole sequence has sort of an Ender's Game feel to it, and I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Chapter 2:
Not much to say here, as it's a short chapter. As I look ahead to the next one, I can't help but wonder if there's a better way to handle this brief backstory? I know "show don't tell" is an important concept in storytelling, but we're going through twenty-three years in three chapters, and it might flow better for the story if these situations were alluded to, rather than shown directly.

Chapter 3:
I just want to remark at this point that your spelling and grammar have been nearly perfect thus far. A surprising amount of books on this site don't have that, and it's very distracting. That doesn't seem to be an issue for you.

Anyway, back to the review. I like the idea that three moons generate an eerie lighting through cloud cover. It's something you don't think about with one moon, where it's basically either on or off. Nice attention to detail.

The line "If that isn't who I'm supposed to meet, I might have to use this," is redundant. Why else would he be fingering his blaster?

Good attention to detail again with "a strand of hair fell loose and hid her face," but try to come up with a better word than "strand" (which means a single hair). I also like the line, "Night and day make no difference to interplanetary travelers such as us."

Chapter 4:
Things started to slow down a bit for me here. There are a lot of new names coming up, and it's tricky (for me) to follow them all. Still, it's an interesting scene. The concept of Wildspace is a good one, but the portal needs to be a LOT deeper in it. Fifty miles is absolutely nothing in space. NASA's Space Shuttle goes 17,000 mph while it's in orbit, meaning it would take it about 10 seconds to get to that portal. I expect your space ships are moving even faster than that, and I know for a fact that by the time you're that close to a black hole, you're gone. Space is a big, big place, and your writing doesn't seem to grasp that scale.


Overall, this is shaping up to be an interesting story, but I think the big issue for me is that you're jumping around a lot. First you focus on Justyn. Then Zaidok becomes the main character. Meia shows up and disappears, then you throw a bunch of pilots/passengers of the Recovery at us. At this point in the story, none of the characters are really established (in Chapter 3, I thought Zaidok was Justyn at first; obviously a symptom of my awful ability to keep track of names), and I was kind of left swimming in a mess of names. I suggest that you work on your focus a little bit. Spend more time establishing and defining your characters before you jump around. Personally, you captured my interest in Justyn from the start, and I would have liked it if the story followed him more closely.

Now, I like the story in general, and obviously you don't make it to the top 200 without your book having some merit. Even though I think DarkStar could use some work, I have no problem backing it for now.

I read chap10. Very good! You're an exceptional writer. Why aren't you published yet? ;D I liked how I just jumped in (you told me 10 and 11 was new, I think...if I remember right) and I felt taken into the reality of the story. Amazing structure--it's like stepping into your favorite sci-fi show or movie. Like Star Trek. ;D I'm putting you back on my shelf!

--Shieldmaiden

Just read your own comment asking for the specific comments.

Story-wise I can only go by the pitch. Child assassins are not original, and an assassin falling for his target and refusing to kill is not original. Originality is somewhat overrated though, I think. Yes, it's always nice to come across ideas you haven't before, but originality doesn't always equate to a good story. Besides, originality can be in the way the story is told. There's also some degree of comfort in a familiar premise which can be nice. I like the idea of the premise. One thing I'll say, though, is that I hope you hold off kidnapping the princess for a while. That would be an interesting read - him protecting her from assassins without her knowing, until he's eventually forced to abduct her.

As for the headings, I might be a bit biased (have a look at the way I've done mine!) but I think they're fine. It's a way of breaking up the writing without moving to a new chapter, plus gives a little bit of information.

I can't really comment on characters as I haven't read enough. Although, you have already steered away from the cliched silent, all-knowing boss (Damone). Such characters usually aren't seen deferring judgment to others, or being unsure about their own ideas.

Hi Bek

I didn't come across much which stood out, negatively. There are a few changes which could make it read a little smoother, but for the most part, it is already very well written. You refrain from description where it is unnecessary, which is hard for some writers, including me.

You do start quite a few sentences at the start with 'the boy', which could do with being fixed. This point conincides with my other, about it reading a little like a step-by-step walkthrough in places. He did this, then he did that, then he did the other - it's quite stiff. Small things like the rearranging of sentences can make it read better. For example, instead of 'The boy crossed the living space...' you could try something like 'Crossing the living space, the boy passed an armed guard...'

The only other thing was 'Guessing from my evaluation' doesn't sound right. Would it not be 'Going by' or 'Judging from' or something? It just seems like 'guess' wouldn't be good enough for such an organisation. Plus, isn't that what an evaluation is for - so it's less of a guess?

As I said, nothing else stood out. It is well written and will do well. I will back it when I have space.

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

Bek,

This is wonderful. You've written a very creative tale with DarkStar, and I'm absolutely positive you will be published someday very soon! The idea of children assassins isn't new(Old Spartan culture, Halo video game, Ninja Assassin, etc) but you've brought it to a different level, and I look forward to picking it out of the bookstore one day!

Zachary Wall-
Dreamer

The second draft of DarkStar is here! Well, at least, the first 11 chapters. I'm still working on the last third of it. :-) This time around, I'm looking for comments on story, characters, and whether or not y'all like the scene headings or not. I'm having someone else do the editing jibberish (spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc) for me. Be as harsh as needed!

You still have me hooked now that I've read chapters 7-10. Do they get away? Does Justyn's ploy work? I guess i'll have to wait & see.

Captivating & exhilerating. I can't wait for more!

S. S. Prince
Author of ORACLE AWAKES
http://www.authonomy.com/books/34224/oracle-awakes/read-book/#chapter

A stellar piece! You have engaged me with well-developed characters, emotion, style, and descriptive word choice. A lovely piece of literature with a meaningful message.

Thank you for sharing additional chapters of this story! Enjoyed the developing relationship between Justyn and Kayala. One editorial issues I came across- Chapter 8 "I (came?) down here to talk to Kayala- alone if you don't mind." I so hope you continue to keep posting! Increased to 6 stars in appreciation of the additional chapters and rebacked. Thanks again. Desi.

Hey Bek,

So I am definatly adding this to my watch list!

Okay on to the next one, I'm not that far in, but it does seem a bit wordy, alot of run-on sentance that could have been divided up and still flowed. Of course this is a purely stylistic thing.

Finally, loving it! I really enjoy the begining where Justyn is wondering if Kayala would like him if she met him. This is a question/feeling that every person goes through in their lives, and this makes you characters relatable even though they are in a larger-than-life situation.

Awsome job,
Kayla

SF42
Bek, I've read the first six chapters. This story makes me think of the Bourne Identity and Star Trek. Not a bad combination in my opinion. The story is building very well. There are issues with the grammar, missing words and dialogue in the earlier chapters but in chapter 6 you seemed to have ironed out these problems. I'd say that you need to do a really good edit on those early chapters to sort them out. It's probably just me, I don't seem to have the ability to skim read so if I find a missing word I have to go back and re-read the line a few times to make sense of it. Anyway, the editing is a relatively minor point .

I like the fast pace of the plot and the story is definitely holding my attention. I see this as a story that would translate to the cinema very well indeed.

Chapter 1 - The boy assassin idea is good. I'd like to have sensed a bit more of the trauma that a child would endure in that situation.

Chapter 2 - I struggled a bit here. There were so many new names thrown into the story I felt completely bamboozled. The dialogue worried me as well. It didn't sound quite right to me. I could be wrong. There was one very small paragraph that told me an awful lot about the plot - Justyn's target was alive, the Queen bringing her back but Danome had a cunning plan to blackmail Mattich. I just wondered whether you could have taken a bit more time introducing people places & plans. It may of course be due to me being a bit slow on the uptake.

Chapter 3 - The huge list of names and places did my head in a bit. I like the Zaidok character & very pleased that he's telepathic. If I were on board his spaceship I wouldn't have been so happy about his carefree decision to enter 'wildspace'. Some of the tekno speak may need explaining. I presume a 'transbeamer' is the cross between a transporter and a 'beam me up Scotty' type device?

Chapter 4 - Things starting to get much better. Struggled with a few American expressions. Still trying to work out what 'well hitting the dumpster' means. And Kayala seemed more worried about the parking arrangements than the fact that she'd nearly been killed. I have a small admission to make......I laughed when you mentioned the cushion to brace against the shock of going from hypersonic to hyperlight speed. If you do decide to have a read of my novel, I hope you don't hold it against me.

Chapter 5 - The action is getting good and pacy. The weak point in the shields sounds a bit of a design flaw. I'd have thought that a state-of-the-art spaceship might have ironed out that sort of an issue. I could be wrong or just misunderstood, but Justyn says something like 'I don't know if they know you two are with me' and suggests that the assassins were after him. I thought he knew they were trying to kill Kayala?

Chapter 6 - In my opinion this is your best writing. I was a bit surprised that Danome sounded so reasonable when he was talking to the Captain but that might be your intention (showing us that he's not all bad). Those hoverbeds worry me - I worry about getting out of them or accidentally falling out of one if it had hovered up to the ceiling. I really like the 'healer' element to Justyn's character.

All in all I think this book is getting better and better and I'd like to read more.

Well written and flowed well. I am not a big fan of Sci-Fi reading, but it reads well.

Susann

You write well and I think that your story is interesting. I wanted to read more after the first chapter. I would only add that I would have liked to have seen some kind of preface or introduction telling us a little about this world - I feel like we jump into the story a bit too quickly and a little background - setting the time and place etc. would have helped me. Having said that, I don't really read that much science fiction so it could be that I don't know what is "normal" for the genre and if most books usually start out like yours does - jumping right into the story.

All the best,

Rena

SF42 - chapter one - was a little confused by the the opening scenes. Did the first happen before or after the second? I realise both are flashbacks and Justyn is older and free of that time (I hope it is explained at some point, why he was trained as an assassin, particularly as it was implied he wasn't usual). Really enjoyed the story and the end of chapter one, when we realise Justyn is protecting someone he was supposed to kill. Makes me want to read on. This does need a good tidy up, missing letters and some sentences could be sharper, but great energy. Will return with more comments.

I really like his. I find it very readable and these first two chapters certainly pull the reader into your world. I will read more when I get the chance (you know how it is!) but I will add this to my watch list and will back it when I have room on my shelf. Please, if you have a chance could you take a look at 'Ignited' by Mae Tindell. Good luck and keep writing!

Mae

I just looked at the first chapter. Good writing in general, though I noticed a few mistakes:
"The noise of the computer must have awaked him!" - should be woken?
"...with blood before the hands loosed from his throat..." - should be loosened?
"He didn't cease to scream until the door slide open..." - should be slid?

Hi Bek,
As you asked, I've taken a look at the first few chapters. It reads clean and has sucked me in! I like a good sci-fi for intertwinement and this seems to have it. You are on my book shelf now. Hope you can check out a good non-fiction that amazingly reads like fiction!

Thanks for sharing!
Jane (The Celestial Proposal)

Thanks!

Hi Bek,
As you asked, I've taken a look at the first few chapters. It reads clean and has sucked me in! I like a good sci-fi for intertwinement and this seems to have it. You are on my book shelf now. Hope you can check out a good non-fiction that amazingly reads like fiction!

Thanks for sharing!
Jane (The Celestial Proposal)

I'm impressed with the naturalness of the background and think that in general you have a pretty good balance between telling the reader enough to make some sense of things without infodumping onto them. The tech and high science stuff sounds plausibly realistic, and I agree to the comparison to Timothy Zahn (and that that's a compliment). I'm not sure about the presence of Earth as a location if it's only going to be that brief though: of course, the story may move back there, but if not why not use some other made-up location as a backwater and allow the story to take place free of any cultural references that the reader is aware of?

Just finished reading & you've got me. The political intrigue, the character development, the plot & everything you've built so far. I can't wait to read the rest. Consider yourself bookshelfed.

I did note a few typos, but they're all the same as have been mentioned in previous comments. Keep up the great work!

S. S. Prince

Just finished reading & you've got me. The political intrigue, the character development, the plot & everything you've built so far. I can't wait to read the rest. Consider yourself bookshelfed.

I did note a few typos, but they're all the same as have been mentioned in previous comments. Keep up the great work!

S. S. Prince

Just read all 6 chapters in one sitting! Amazing!
Really had me hooked, I normally cannot stand to read on a computer screen, but I couldn't stop. Like all good stories you have to like the characters and care about them. You succeeded at that wonderfully. I honestly want to know more and I hope you post more or manage to get this book published.
-Elmernite

It's an extremely compelling novel, and the ideas are unique. One piece of constructive criticism would be agreement with Douglas - some paragraphs are just a little too wordy, although this does lend a certain strength. I like it! :)

Hi Bek, I love your super-cool pseudonym! Thanks for your message... Having a look at Dark Star now!!
I LOVE your book!! Fabulous writing. Giving you a high rating... and will fit it on my shelf when I have room.
Good luck with it, and I hope you enjoy reading my work also. :)

Hi Bek, I've only read the first two chapters so far (I will continue, don't worry) but I wanted to send a quick comment. First of all: I'm so glad someone is writing in this genre! I absolutely love it, especially after reading the Firebird trilogy.

Just some quick things: I've found a few typos. Nothing major, but easily caught with a bit more editing; some have already been mentioned in previous comments. I like how you communicate things. There isn't much clutter which can really be a drag to get through in some stories; however, I think I'd like to see a bit more description. You have a wonderful narrative and creative dialogue, but you could maybe add a bit more description about what characters experience, and how they experience it. You do this well in the first chapter with Justyn's dream sequence, but then you just kind of stop. Keep it up.

As much as I enjoy it so far, I think I enjoy it mostly because of its resemblance to the Firebird trilogy, which for the most part, you're safe using because I doubt many people on this website have read it (although I'm surprised to have even found one who has). You've come up with a mostly unique storyline within a very familar setting which is great because then people can relate to it, but some of it gets a bit too close for comfort, especially with the name of the royal family: Janglo (as opposed to Angelo in 'Firebird'). That being said, you still do it well. It's a unique and wonderful genre and I'm glad you chose to write within it. I will definitely continue reading.

Chapter one:

-- "..., careful not to upset the vial of deadlyh neurotoxin in the same pocket. That was for the large man sleeping on the hoverbed,..." hoho!


-- "A soft humming noise came from the computer." – I am an IT personal but I did know best to describe this indeed soft noise a PC . Thank you.

-- "The man's eyes first widened in surprise, and then narrow in the wrath", I could neither get better words to explain such a deadly building up situation.

-- "Suddenly, he dimly remembered that there was a projectile blaster in the pocket of his trousers. With great difficulty, he reached and pulled the weapon out his pocket and fired it between the man's eyes" - this made me take a flash back at picture of a boy being swallowed by a scavenger, which the boy holds remember to tightly hold by its long neck and now it was the scavenger gasping for air!


So far from chapter one, your work is an exciting one.

"As an assassin, Justyn is the top of his trade, but can he protect the woman he loves from himself?" - this little pitch is indeed alluring to read further.

"Damone has been administrating the DarkStar Corporation, an organization specializing in assassination for forty years, with only one reported failure ..." this phrase or sentence sells your big pitch. It is attractive as well.

This is an excellent read so far - you certainly have a way with words and a talent for writing. You asked in your bio for typos and the only ones I found in Ch 1 are : last paragraph of dream.. should be "hi(t) the man" then the last sentence ..."loos(en)ed around his throat" otherwise this is a gem. I will read more and comment when time permits.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Wow! I totally enjoyed chapter one and want to keep reading. My only suggestion is to watch the '!' You don't need them, your writing tells the reader that things are tense, surprising, etc. The marks caused me pause while I was reading. This could be a movie easily. I was able to visualize what was going on and your characters are nicely developing. Great book!

Susan
The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island

This is not the genre of fiction that I read but I decided to give it ago based on your profile. Your writing flows very well for me. There are very little grammatical or spelling errors but I would like to point out one in the first chapter because it bugged me a little bit. 2nd paragraph, 7th sentence. "Again he did as the voice had bidden." I think you meant to say "Again he did as the had bid him."
Anyway... your writing and your story is very developed. I like the voice for sure. I see this story as something my husband would make me watch as a movie and I would end up liking it and telling people about it even though I would have never watched it if he hadn't twisted my arm. It's going on my bookshelf and I am definitely going to read more.

Hi Bek,

I have read the first two chapters. You have sucked me in. I look forward to reading more as I get the chance. I'm putting this on my shelf. Will give more feedback later. This for now:

For constructive criticism, the prose sometimes seems a bit wordy (I struggle with the same thing). This might just be my personal preference; however, I think you would be spot on if you could be a little more concise with your paragraph structures. For compliments, what I have read so far reminds me of Timothy Zahn... In my book, that's a big compliment.

Regards,

Douglas

Aside from comments others have made, I just want to say that this is an impressive story. It made me think of Firefly or such great sci-fi stories. (Granted, Firefly was a show). Everything has a structure...I was greatly impressed. Characters and storyline/back story flow seamlessly. Excellent! Worthy of publication and bestseller's lists! The only typo is saw was psych--I believe it's psyche. But I'm not completely sure. It was the first scene of Justyn older. I don't remember any others....
Again, wonderful story. I'll be coming back. And I'll put you on my shelf when I have the space! ;)

--Shieldmaiden

A note to future commentators--This is the first draft, so if you would point out any typos and grammatical errors, I would appreciate it. I've already gone through and taken the red pen to a lot of them, but your fresh perspective will help me find the ones I missed. I am in the process of creating a second draft (which will be posted as soon as I have enough word count). I have received a lot of comments about the "dream" opening, and I will change that in the second draft. Thanks again for all your helpful comments so far!

While you appear to have a strong grasp on both language and the story, I wonder if there might be a better place to begin your novel than in a sort of dream-within-a-dream. Most literary agents, publishers, and also readers make a decision about whether to continue based on the first few pages of a novel. That means the beginning needs to be well-written, gripping, intriguing, and also not cliche. You have the well-written part down (except for a few grammatical errors I caught--do make sure it's polished). You're half-way to the gripping and intriguing. The dream aspect puts me off a little. That might just be me, but I would suggest contemplating whether you've really chosen the right starting place, or not.

Bek,
You have a way with words when it comes to describing a scene - mood, clarity and relevance all come into play. I
was drawn into your Justyn character as he struggled with his natural impulses along with those controlling his thoughts, and I could appreciate his huge dilemma. The battle was clearly on two fronts, in his physical world and in his mind. Thank you for the intriguing tale.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

I am not a fan of sci fi books, but I did notice that your work needs editing. Check the use of commas and watch the typos. Good Luck to you.

Susan
The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island

Awesome beginning and all the action! I'm a fan of Sci-fi/ romance/ thriller/ action myself... I'll take some time and read up what you've posted so far! I'll let you know on any questions I have as I read on... if you don't mind trading reads with Wanted and giving me your thoughts?
Gillian
Black Fire: Rise of the Tyrant
Disease
Wanted

I love the opening action, but as another pointed out, I was disappointed to learn it was a dream. I'm not a big fan of dreams in novels (in fact, if I know it's a dream, I'll skip it entirely) and from what I've read, agents, editors, and publishers aren't too happy about them either. The problem is they've been done and usually don't add much value to the story. I'm sure you could develop a stronger opening. There were also a few typos as pointed out by Ivan, but none that slowed me down. In the end, I think you have a compelling start and an intriguing premise. It could use some tweaking, but I look forward to reading more!

“DarkStar” is a compelling Sci-Fi book that will certainly have lots of people glued to the screen of their computers. The short pitch is excellent - this sentence alone would make me want to read this book.

Thank you, Bek, for asking me to read your book, it’s a real pleasure. Here are a few suggestions for you - use only those pieces of advice that you find important.


Chapter 1:
- A groan from the man on the bed stole the boy’s attention … In one sudden more [move] … he grabbed the boy by the neck, who was too stunned to react, and lifted him off the ground [‘who was too stunned to react’ breaks the structure of the sentence, I think it’ll be okay if you drop it];
- The vial slipped out of the boy’s trousers … With the man’s face inches away from his own [you write that ‘the man’s face was inches away from the boy’s face’ but then:
The boy didn’t know what to do. … he reached and pulled the weapon out of his pocket and fired it between the man’s eyes. [I think it would be difficult to fire ‘between the man’s eyes’ in this situation, maybe it would be easier to fire ‘at the side of the man’s head’ or ‘at the man’s (right/left) temple’ - but that’s only my POV];
- The force of the weapon knocked the boy backward … The slug from the blast hi the man square between the eyes [‘hit the man’];
- The boy’s scream reverberated throughout his metal cell. He didn’t cease to scream until the door slide open [‘slid open’] … and then it only died to a sobbing whimper [maybe ‘faded to’ instead of ‘died’, and maybe ‘and only then it…’ – ‘only’ is misplace here IMO];
- “I’m not coddling him, Damone … “I am just reassuring him” she gestured toward Justyn [I believe there should be a comma after ‘him’]
- Justyn sat bolt upright in his bed [verbs in the Past Perfect Tense make this paragraph a bit difficult to read; perhaps you’ll be able to express the same ideas without it, at least in some cases];
- Justyn sighed and closed the blinds. … To be truly free was to block them from his memory, but he didn’t know how. [maybe ‘but he didn’t know how that could be achieved/accomplished’ or smth like this as IMO the sentence feels incomplete].

Chapter 2:
- The tall Vosque man turned to see a woman standing behind him, whose eyes [divide the sentence into two: “…standing behind him. Her eyes were…”; actually instead of ‘were’ you may use a verb like ‘glistened’ or ‘glittered’ or some other verb] … that grew in the terrarium next to her [‘next to her place’? or what do you mean];
- A smile crept in the corner of Meia’s mouth. “Yes, the Queen of Tahok is financing smuggling efforts [‘finances smuggling’ would sound better];
- The name sent a chill down Zaidok’s back. … the King had pardoned him of the crime [perhaps ‘for the crime’] … He had lived in peace with his relatives for some time as far as he knew, listening to the Queen made it seem that this could not have been so [the piece after the comma is a bit unclear to me];
- “Somewhere beyond the reach of either your or Mattich’s imagination. She is safe there.” Zaidok remembered the lonely blue planet where he had left Anell, Kayala, and Justyn [I love this piece! :)]
- “Can’t say for sure. I need to borrow a ship.” … Don’t worry, I have a friend that owes me a favor.” [‘that’ is okay here, but I prefer ‘who owes…’];
- with traitors and double agents among the Queen’s servants, this book is getting more and more interesting and intriguing :)
- After signaling the guard at the palace gate … the soon-to-be Prince Mattich [‘the Prince-to-be Mattich’ would be easier to read];
- But first he had to find the girl. ... Zaidok. Very interesting. But that didn’t help Damone any. [maybe ‘in any way’] … As much he hated other people [maybe ‘As much as’].

I hope to return to “DarkStar” as soon as I can. It is a compelling story and you certainly have talent, Bek. Definitely 6*!

Ivan
The Beholder

Whoa! You have an action-packed opening here. I'm not big on sci-fi, but I'm curious about Justyn and what happens to him next. My only suggestion is that you show more of the action just to get it that 110%. Other than that, good job and I will come back to soon.

Sorry it has taken me ages to get to this…

…here’s my thoughts so far.

Great pace, good description. Not a genre I read often, if ever, but you seem to have a firm handle on the style.

The only thing that bothered me was I was happily reading along, enjoying the story and then suddenly I’m hit with the fact it was all only a dream. Instantly off putting. I don’t mean to sound harsh, I think your writing is good and you don’t want to take from that with a tired dream sequence cliché.
Keep going with this, your heading in the right direction.
Rated and enjoyed.

Janny

I thoroughly enjoyed the first chapter. I too started with a nightmare only to be told not to. I have changed my prologue. I have rated and added your book to my WL. Any feed back on mine would be much apprecaited.
Red

Really well done from a pace and tempo standpoint. I think with some clean up and polish this is going to be a great story. One comment I'll offer that was offered to me...don't open your book with a dream sequence.

There are several reasons for this, the biggest is that it is cliche' and chiche' will cause an agent and/or publisher to stop reading before your story has a chance to take hold.

I originally opened my story in the same way and it was difficult trying to find a different way to open, however once I came up with one, I think it made the opening much stronger.

If you have time, read the first chapter of my book, I think you'll understand what I mean. I originally started it waking up from a dream (a point in the story at is about halfway into the chapter now), but now I open with a new scene that introduces the characters and sets the scene. I think the new opening enhances and enables the dream sequence to work without seeming cliche'.

Hope this helps. I look forward to reading the rest of your chapters later this weekend.


-Greg