The Willow Branch - Book 1

Lela--(for CCR)--I've read through 4 and continue to be mesmerized. I have only one suggestion--and so minor. You write "secondary road." Secondary sounds to me like a Rand-McNalley map legend. "Second" is from Latin for "after first"--used in English from around 1300 (sorry--I'm an etymology freak). Alternative: "lower-rank road" or "less-travelled" or "small road."

Another change would help me. I get the century gap between phases of the story, but it would orient me better if you used the Founding Year date for the main thread of the story and then write "a hundred-year time before" for the back-story. Also on the time-place tags, I can't place the places in my mind. Could you add some directions--"far to the north," "near-by to the west"? Check geography orientations in Tolkein.

These are quibbles. The story is great.

Lela,

Thank you for the comments regarding my story. I too have been reading your story, and wanted to get a few chapters in before I made any comments. I am about three chapters in by now and have a few thoughts for you.

First of all, I am not an expert in fantasy-type novels, so my comments could either be good in offering an outside perspective or of little worth in expressing ignorant critique.

Overall, I find myself thinking about the feeling you create by your descriptions. I can tell that you have done your research and have tried to be as accurate to the celtic culture as possible--I think at least. As I am unfamiliar with it, you could be making it all up and just be a creative genius. Anyway, I find myself confused by many of the terms and aspects of the society, as if I am a foreigner, looking on at this world. This can be either beneficial or detrimental. Reading is a bit more laborious, but also creates an exotic getaway.

Two questions. The first is how you weave your two time periods. Is there a distinct reason why you do this? Is it more beneficial to do it this way than to split up the time periods by chapter. I think the human mind likes the latter strategy better, but if the reason comes out later on, I am willing to support it.

The second regards point of view (POV). At one point, in chapter 1, A character is referred to as both Talidd and Taliq. I understand why, but I think the narration should stick with just one of them. Consider the POV of the story, and how the reader adopts that POV from the very beginning. If it is inconsistent, it confuses the reader. This aspect of writing will also affect how you handle the different cultural terms--whether they are explained or not. Just remember that this aspect can affect both how readable and how exotic the story seems to the reader.

Some of these comments may just be rambling, but those are my initial, honest impressions. I hope they are of some value to you and help you progress in your writing.

Best wishes,
Mark

Your work is very good. I like the way you speak--your voice is unique. Your dialogue flows as does your word choice and sentence structure. When I read I think of the Robin Hood era. It is definitely epic. Your writing is clean and I enjoyed reading. Highest stars, Lacy

{The Willow Branch - Book 1} Chapter 6

Lela,

You continue to impress me with your world building ability, from your fabulous descriptions of your characters' meals up to that of your characters and their interactions themselves! One of the things that is also really fantastic about your work is the Christian aspect interweaved within its {digital} pages! My favorite section here was probably "The Dragon's Back" but I enjoyed them all.

If I had one crit here it would be that a few names are possibly too complex and long for the avaerage reader. I love the celtic names but I did stumble over Glynansynjoran. I noticed you shorten it to Gly most times though so maybe it dousn't matter.

Have a wonderful day! I'm highly enjoying the read!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity, Eden Legacy and Lazarus, Man

Well written with good tension and foreshadowing. Character developing well too. Great concept and storyline. I'll continue.--JL

{The Willow Branch - Book 1} Chapter 5

Lela,

Chapter 5 was well done and I really enjoyed the first and last sections of the chapter. You think of everything... all the minute details... as you write and that really enhances the book for me! The scene with the woman in the beginning of the chapter really drew me in and you had an interesting dialogue there. It is amazing how much wemon on those positions knew in that time period and I think you wrote a great representation of that here.

And the ride with the Dragon in the end of the chapter was simply delicious! I hope there's much more where that came from! And an army amassed within striking distance... :) I like where we are heading!

Have a wonderful day!

Scott, Eden Legacy

Hi Lela

I started reading your book, I like the dialect and the death scene at the end of the first section, beautifully written. You really have a wonderful way of drawing the reader into the world of the Celtic people. Looking forward to reading more!

Lyn Ventura
With All My Mind

{The Willow Branch - Book 1} Chapter 4

Lela,

I always enjoy returning to your mystical, lost celtic world! I know I've already said it but one of the things that I thuroughly enjoy about your work is the depth of world creation you have here and the complete realness that I feel as I read. There are a few things that stand out for me about this chapter... My favorite was probably the first portion where Perryn was in the council and the amount of descention around him. It is clear that he is going to have troubles if he tries to hold this group together around him. I also really liked the strength of his heart amidst a group containing members that could care less if innocents live or die.

And later I enjoyed watching the journey of both groups as one tracked the other. Gregyn is a wonderful character and yet I worry that his heart might be darkened as time progresses. And the wildfolk :) now they and their descriptions really made me smile. I hope we see a lot more of them!

Have a wonderful day! It means so much to me that you're continuing to enjoy Eden Legacy!

- Scott, Eden Legacy

P.s. I love being your 100th comment! :)

You made me stop and ponder. The way you describe Padraig asking for forgiveness...for sins he remembered, and sins that he didn't remember and the Lord brought a few of those to his mind. I think we've lost our respect for the act of repentance. How we ought to do it. How serious we ought to be about it. We've given ourselves too much license to handle the subject matter lightly lest it makes us uncomfortable and puts us in a true light.

Beside serving as an eye opener, your writing is superb. The chapter flows excellent and your it's smooth reading, enjoyable and yet meaty ... does that make sense? It's not rainless clouds. It's not empty smoke. There's so much you pack into it, I love it!
TDonna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

{The Willow Branch - Book 1} Chapter 3

Lela,

As I read on I'm really enjoying the way you write several mini chapters within the chapter, starting off with the one from earlier times. It is a great way to slowly give us back story with a deeper quality than what we would normally have! It's also intriguing to watch that first vein of story unfold because we know that somehow it will lead to the later story we are reading.

I liked the dark vein as well and Talidd is truly such an evil character! I like it though and it's very well written. When Gregyn hurled on the alter it was so real and I felt his dreadful emotions as it occured. I am torn because this is such a dark place, and supposedly Gregyn is working to join them (even though he longs to leave), and yet I really like Gregyn and see such potential for him to turn it all around.

I also thuroughly enjoyed the scene at the end with the larger cats and the hunt that was going on! So much blood in this chapter... with the slitting of the horses' throats and the blood around the doors and in the hunt... but I think that enhances your work. From the blood and darkness will rise the light. It makes for good story telling and that ability to bring in that transformation to the light.

Have a wonderful day and thank you so much for your comments on Eden Legacy!

- Scott, Eden Legacy

Another great chapter that captivated completely. You made me laugh in this chapter, not because it was intended as humorous, but because you described me ... unintentionally ... with "humans ought to grow fur so they wouldn't be so afraid of the cold." Oh, my goodness. Too funny for me (and considering the source :)).

Also, very touching. It resonated with me when you wrote about the "bag of food in the cart." And I love how you weave the messages into the story, "That Jesu was her Savior was easy enough to say; to wait upon His guidance was much more difficult."

I read this chapter and sighed. Delightful!
TDonna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

{The Willow Branch - Book 1} Chapter 2

Lela,

I enjoyed so many things about Chapter 2 that it is going to be hard to fit them all in here... But I'll try! :) First let me say that something I really like about your writing is the intelligence that comes through in your work. I love depth in fantasy and a well thought out world and as I read I can feel the thought put in to your work and the intelligence of it. You also have a fantastic grasp on all things celtic here (I recall much from other celtic books I have read in the past, as it is one of my favorite types of book to read) and I love your approach to Christianity through your work and your actual use of the word "Chrystans"! That is a very nice writing of the word and I wonder if it was ever spelled that way somewhere. Was it? :) Nice!

Your grasp on fantasy as a genre is also refreshing and I have read many published authors who do not create a fantasy world as believable and in depth fantasy world as yours. I particularly liked the 'witch stone' and the descriptions of their meals and thought processes. And in the end of the chapter Ryanna is greatly growing on me. I'm really enjoying her as a character and I get the sense that she will play a great role in things to come.

Have a wonderful day! This is a great read and I'll be back soon for more!

- Scott, Eden Legacy

P.s. Thank you so much for reading and commenting on Eden Legacy! It means so much and makes me smile every time I read a new comment! I can't wait to see what you think of the rest of the book!

Your writing continues to mesmerize, the story unfolds fluidly, and the characters fascinate. You made me chuckle when I read "Teddryn seemed annoyed with the world, frowning about him as if the world did not quite meet his expectations." Yes, perfect description for some people I'd have rather not met (lol) ... and "drooling imbeciles." But the message is coming through, "The One True God taught forgiveness. This generation moved in that direction." Amazing story beautifully written!
TDonna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

This isn't the genre I usually read, but you easily kept my interest in the first chapter. This has a very authentic feel to it and the writing style is absorbing. It sucks the reader into the time and setting effortlessly and the story flows naturally.

Maryn's death was written very well. It comes suddenly and spikes the reader's interest just at the right time. Your strong point is definitely dialogue. It seems to me like this was very difficult to put together, but every word fits in perfectly with the chosen setting. I admire the concentration it would require to write in such a style.

This was a nice surprising read because I'm probably out of my comfort zone, but regardless of genre, anything that is written well deserves to succeed and I'm sure this will continue to rise up the ranks.

Highly rated and I'll keep it on my watchlist.

For anyone curious about how to get into a mindset for writing fantasy -- of course, others have other methods -- but I write with Celtic instrumental music turned up loud. No concentration is required. It sucks me into a zone where my characters pretty much write their own dialogue. For visuals, I take a lot of photos and then describe them, often with classical music playing -- my husband is an audiophile, so I can always find something by a long-dead composer that suits the photo I'm trying to describe. Again, once in the zone, the story writes itself. Where I struggle and have to concentrate is with the religious/magical systems of this world and with the political systems as well. Those require attention to detail and a continuity notebook to keep all of it straight.

This isn't the genre I usually read, but you easily kept my interest in the first chapter. This has a very authentic feel to it and the writing style is absorbing. It sucks the reader into the time and setting effortlessly and the story flows naturally.

Maryn's death was written very well. It comes suddenly and spikes the reader's interest just at the right time. Your strong point is definitely dialogue. It seems to me like this was very difficult to put together, but every word fits in perfectly with the chosen setting. I admire the concentration it would require to write in such a style.

This was a nice surprising read because I'm probably out of my comfort zone, but regardless of genre, anything that is written well deserves to succeed and I'm sure this will continue to rise up the ranks.

Highly rated and I'll keep it on my watchlist.

Hey girl! I was just reading your first chapter and wanted to leave you a few of my thoughts. First of all, I think your descriptions of characters and the atmosphere/environment is really good. Your dialogue was equally impressive, and your word usage helps play up the time period your book is set in.

The only advice I have is in regards to the unique names of your characters/places. I'm a fan of creativity, but I also think its possible to go too far 'out of the box'. What I mean is, while I was reading, I struggled and became a little distracted by the oddly spelt choices of names. I began to just skip over the names because it seemed easier. Of course, you don't want your readers to 'skip over' anything in your book, and in my opinion, I think less is more. If only the important main characters had distinctly different names, I think readers would remember them more and know they were of more significance to the story. This is only my opinion, and I do not mean to discourage you in any way.

All-in-all, your storyline is good, and I wish you the best of luck and success! :)

P.s. :) I like the fact that we each left eachother our 90th comments on eachother's books today!

{The Willow Branch - Book 1} Chapter 1

Lela,

It's been a while since I've been here and I'm excited to be back to give The Willow Branch a full read! I've just finished with Chapter 1 and I really enjoyed my re-read! My favorite part was probably the beginning with the King in the forest having the conversation with his men! Your descriptions are strong (which I remember well from my first read) and I was able to easily picture the world you've created for us as I read! The King's death was awsome here... I loved how it was totally unexpected and the blood and shock of his death was vivid to me. I also cought on to the fact that he had already slept with the woman he was to wed :) and so there could very well be and heir even though he never had the opportunity to marry her.

I also greatly enjoyed the rest of your chapter and the darkness of some of your characters there. I find myself yearning for Talidd to die so that Gregyn can be free and the absolue horror of Eaddyn in the swamp being devoured by a bull croc was perfectly written. Top that off with the well written dialect you infuse in your dialogue and I'm just having a great time reading! :)

Have a wonderful day! I'm looking forward to returning for more soon!

- Scott, Eden Legacy

P.s. Thank you so much for reading and commenting on Eden Legacy! It means so much that you're enjoying the book!

Hi Lela,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth and feel free to disregard what you disagree with.
Spring in Founding Year 931
Nice opening-line hook.
Not sure I like how the second sentence is phrase. “Naught” is a strange word choice here, IMHO.
“flavorfully spiced” is redundant, as something that is spiced is typically full of flavor.
“as was his wont” is a clunky phrase. Be careful about word choices. Sometimes they seem forced.
I’ve read a couple chapters and I must say, this is a fun read. Some nice imagery and good dialogue. My biggest suggestion is to be careful about the language. Sometimes it seems overdone, which can serve as a distraction more than it enhances the drama. Kind of like swatting a fly with a jackhammer. The story is good, though, and the characters are likeable. I can see this doing well here. Best of luck.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

I have to say that you are an amazing visual writer. I am in the moment in the scenes and it reads beautifully. You're a natural with dialogue.

I can finally breathe from all the editing on my mss. Still going through the first chapters, though. It's never ending. What a nice break it was to come back here. It's soooo different than what I'm used to, but this adventure and personal stretch for me is delightful.
TDonna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Lela--I read chapter 1 and you really pulled me in. Your writing is very good. The dark arts section felt very dangerous and real. Since I'm reading this for a You-know-what writers' forum, I hope the good will come through stronger. I'll keep reading to find out.

A typo in your bio blurb: "...Book 1 is be part of a series...." Maybe your Celtic is rubbing off on your Alaskan!

Best wishes,

Jim Workman

Lela,

Sorry it took me so long to return the read. I've read up to Chapter 3. At first I wasn't sure about your style of writing, but I think it lent itself to the genre. It really made me feel as though I was in fantsy world, but it wasn't hard to read. So you did a good job with that. I love the hook in the begining "Death took Prince Maryn by surprise" You really have a strength for description. Just two comments I would break up the chapters. They started getting a little long at the end. The other comment is I'm not sure why you go back and forth between the past and present (maybe it will make sense later). It actually took me a bit to realize that you were doing that (I know there are dates, but I'm dense).

Overall good read.
Thanks for your comments on my book. I appreciate it.

The reason for going back and forth between the two times is fairly simple. One -- the first version of The Willow Branch on Authonomy really lacked compelling action. I kept getting comments (you can read them) that the reader liked the journey we were on, but sort of wondered if we were ever going to get anywhere. The Padraig thread is the main thread -- the present part of the story. He is the king maker. Yet, realistically, he hadn't done anything yet to warrant sword play and I just could not force the character in that direction. I tried to write Tamys starting a tavern brawl, but that didn't work either. The characters aren't those sorts of people.They engage in sword play when NECESSARY, not when their writer wants them to be more entertaining.

OTOH, Maryn's been dead a century and he and all his kin died in bloody ways. That was always part of the back story, referenced but not actually written. Rather than rewrite the entire present story line, I decided to write the back story to provide the action the readers were saying the story needed.

The second reason is actually found in the first quote by the druidess -- beneath the story that is unfolding right now lies the past and the past is the foundation of the present, so is much more important than we realize. Later in the book, you'll find that a lot of the past has been lost to the present and that's a problem for those who would restore the kingdom.

Hello

Another Celtic piece. It's nice to come across these. I enjoyed the writing and the story seems interesting. The writing is well-done. The descriptions are done in a way not to bogg down the writing. The dialogue is real enough and your characters are well-rounded. I think you have a good piece here. Celtic stories no matter how many times they're told are all interesting, but this one has a different flare to it. Nice way to pull from the pack.

Thanks for sharing.
Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

I read a little, but what I saw was so well written.
I like the way that you start it off with well, pulling the reader in.
This is a different mix of themes here. Very original!
Will read more later.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my Christian pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Lela,

Sorry it took me so long to return the read. I've read up to Chapter 3. At first I wasn't sure about your style of writing, but I think it lent itself to the genre. It really made me feel as though I was in fantsy world, but it wasn't hard to read. So you did a good job with that. I love the hook in the begining "Death took Prince Maryn by surprise" You really have a strength for description. Just two comments I would break up the chapters. They started getting a little long at the end. The other comment is I'm not sure why you go back and forth between the past and present (maybe it will make sense later). It actually took me a bit to realize that you were doing that (I know there are dates, but I'm dense).

Overall good read.
Thanks for your comments on my book. I appreciate it.

{The Willow Branch} – Lela Markham
Chapter 1:

I really liked this beginning, and the way we go from the innocent scene eating and chatting, to the building sense of foreboding and threat.

Loved the mystery you introduce, especially with the single arrow and the way Pedyr wonders ‘why the shaft that killed him was the only one to fly’! It reminds me of a scene in my book where the same thing happens! Exciting :)

A tiny point – you say ‘blonde swordsman’ but I think the rule is that if it’s a man, it’s ‘blond’ and if it’s a woman then you add the e → so in this case, ‘blond swordsman’ perhaps?

The jump forward in time is handled well, particularly through the use of the raven image. Great symbolism here – given the ominous associations with ravens, and the transition from the scene of death!

Some great imagery – I liked particularly ‘amid the glittering reflections in the black surface, a window appeared.’ I loved thinking about this image in my mind, and the thought it provokes – the clarity of a window, contrasted with opaque black. Delicious!

A great premise and may I also say – love the names! One of my favourite books when I was younger was the series by Traci Harding set in the Dark Ages, and the names bear resemblance! Also like the mention of ‘Gwenedd’ Ohhh reminds me of ‘Maelgwyn of Gywnedd’ who is a possible candidate for Arthur, I totally had an obsession with him after reading those books :P
Anyway I’m off topic

In short, terrific so far, I look forward to seeing how the plot unfurls. All the best with this!
Have a fabulous day,

Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

Dear Lela

I have read the first chapter of "The Willow Branch" and been thoroughly immersed in your closely written, atmospheric style. Clearly, you have given a great deal of thought to the narrative, to the backstory and characters. Vividly you conjure an amazing mythic world.

I wish you well. I feel this book will gather a loyal following!

Fran :-))

Lela,
I agree with the earlier comment - your handling of dialogue is excellent - the conversations felt authentic and I was completely at ease reading them. I love the narrative, it flows well and drew me into the story. The character names are original and add to the rich atmosphere you paint so well.
Great writing and an enjoyable read.
Best of luck,
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

You are amazing with dialogue. I enjoyed reading ch 5 today after several days of needing to focus on editing my book (I should be finished soon enough to have more time to dedicate to reading more in your book :)). I love the interaction between your characters and the scenes play in my mind as if I'm watching actors on screen. You are a fantastic writer.
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

I agree, this is really great writing, with vivid descriptions, flowing narratives and really engaging dialogues. I love stories with a wealth of characters, they usually promise a depth in plot and a detailed world to delve into, especially for fantasy. This has all that and started off with a good doze of intrigue.
There are a lot of names of places being mentioned and more than a hint to a rich history and all this is up my alley. The names are kinda tough, but I've never been good with names and pronounce them differently even here :D

I was kind of thrown by the old English in the first part of chapter 1 leading up to the death of the prince, but it seems a lot less frequent as the story progressed. I rarely see it now. It could present an issue of consistency - or I just got used to it (Don't think so).
I liked your dragon lore... interesting and similar to my own, but only in relation to volcanoes.
Well, with the races you have in here; men, elves, dwarves, goblins, I'm seeing a Lord of the Rings feel here and that's always good if presented with more than a tinge of originality, which you do splendidly.

I have nothing to say about your writing, except that it's awesome. You'll need a more critical set of eyes than mine to see anything that needs changing.

6 Stars and will keep on my w/l to back when space opens up.

Edwin - The First Oath

Awesome writing, beautiful descriptions, thought provoking, deep. This is unique and a fascinating read. Wonderfully done, Lela :)
TDonna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Hi Lela,

I've read two chapters. It brought back my old appreciation of the Celts and the mythical qualities really come out throughout the whole of what I read. Its not what I would normally read but I did enjoy the writing style and it made a refreshing change with its unique voice.

Imagery was very good throughout. A few minor notes to make are things I thought didn't make sense "the ethereal tides lay still" and "an ordinary man, possessed of a suicidal bent". The opening of the second chapter in autho ch.1 had a lot of repetition with the use of the same word - particularly vision.

Otherwise I thought it was very well written throughout. Will return.

Joe

not my usual genre, but strong dialogue and story development.
j

You deserve a shelving for your unique style. Take my hat off to you and hope to join you for an in-depth read later in the week.

I am speechless. Chapter 4 is amazing! Amazing writing continues to unfold an amazing story. Great dialogue. Great characters. It holds deep meanings that will cause a reader to nod in agreement and ponder further. Totally beautiful!
T. Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

The ritual in Ch 3 was dark. Your writing, though, is impeccable. I thought it such a beautiful way to describe the inner emptiness with the line, "Maryn's death had torn a hole into the center of his life that would not be easity filled." Great description of a crocodile lurking in the waters. Living in Florida, we have aligators in our lake in the back and on our walk we pass by our "resident" 8-foot aligator. There's an indescribable feeling when that size predator locks eyes with me. I'll be back tomorrow for more :)
TDonna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

With exquisite descriptions you create a believable world and a good sense of setting. Excellent dialogue from the start, flows smoothly. The story's quick start captivates a reader to keep reading.

Some of your language gave me goosebumps: "...as a raven scream split the night." Whoa! And the way in which you described death was stunning, "...staring up at the moon with his life leaking away into the dirt by his feet and wondered why the shaft that killed him was the only one to fly." Absolutely amazing!

This is not my usual genre, but I want to believe that I can recognize a masterpiece when I see it. It is impeccable in every writing aspect from setting to character to action, evoking mystique and intrigue. I will return for more, but already well-deserved six stars from me.
T. Donna Robison
(No Kiss Good-bye)

P.S. I think Dianna's comment makes a good suggestion to break up the book into two parts. I'd go even further to suggest that if it is possible, maybe even into a trilogy. Something to think about :)

Hi Lela,

I read the first chapter of Willow Branch and was struck by it’s perfection. So convincing was that first prophetic paragraph that I wondered if you had truly authored it. To be honest, I have not read anything like this before, so my walk through the first chapter was like traveling on a strange new road where your senses take in every thing around you - sight, sound, smell… and your writing came through fulfilling what I hoped to experience. I think I’ll just say here that I loved the names and the accent in which your characters speak. To me that made the story and setting even more authentic.

I loved how the story began with hope of a romance and I really liked Maryn - he was so good and kind. I couldn’t believe you would write him out of the story so quickly. But it is a great way to start a book

Obviously, you give the reader a picture of the good and upright and after Maryn is slain, the scene switches to the contrasting forces in the book - and Tariq is just the opposite of anything that is honorable (although he keeps up a good front.)

You create a world that is visible and imaginable, the struggle between the light and the dark is almost palpable. I found your writing to be so rich in detail and characterization that I wondered if you could really keep this level of flawlessness for 236,000 words. I jumped ahead ten chapters at a time until I got the end.

I must say, I am impressed. You far exceeded my expectations. Every chapter I read was consistent with the excellent standard with was set in the beginning of the book. Because I merely skipped through the book, of course, I missed many if not most of the wonderful details of plot, but I did get a sense of it none-the-less. I was especially pleased that you bring your faith into the story so boldly and unashamedly.

The only bit of criticism or suggestion I can offer has to do with the length of your novel. Have you ever considered splitting it into two volumes? Once you’re published, the book maker is most likely going to ask for another one anyway. Six stars for job well done! Please don’t hesitate to remind me to revisit The Willow Branch.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Thanks for the Jacey review. I've read the first chapter of The Willow Branch and its very good. You take a brave decision right from the start to stay in the archaic language of your world even when describing events outside the dialogue and in more clumsy hands this could result in the usual sword and sorcery cliches and over-ripe prose. However, your writing has the skill and imagination to bring it off and I had no problem at all with it or the dialogue. You outline the concerns of the main characters clearly and show the brutality of the swamps which you don't flinch away, from making the situation very powerful and unsettling. You don't get bogged down in over-description or back story apart from the opening section which has the splendidly sudden and bloody murder of Prince Maryn at the end of it. Pity, he seemed like a nice guy. Its all beautifully written, imaginative and has some clever word-play. I tend to want to parody fantasy tales (well you've read 'Jacey') because they're so easy to set up then break rules in and tend to be full of pointless mystical codswallop to make up for shaky plots, but your writing and story-line is quite apart from these and very assured tale-telling. I'll put it on my watchlist and come back to it soon.

The Willow Branch. To my shame, I havent re-visited your book for about seven months! Let's see what I can remember...

Ch.3. Do you want nits? You have 'massive' twice in one sentence in the opening paragraph. And also 'looked' where Varyn was grey of skin.
Some unnecessary words could be searched and deleted to improve the flow: many, immediately, often, soon, almost (Ch.4.) very, begun to, plenty of, about.
That's a gripping episode, and I'm beginning to recall...
A repelling scene with Gregyn and the crocodile.
Dont you mean Gregyn felt someon enter the lodge?
...And a hook to lead the reader onwards.

Ch.4. That's a bit of a clumsy sentence - measuring Cunyr ap Riorden's power.
I am again becoming absorbed into your leisurely tale, learning, with Padraig, about what has happened in his absence.
And I cant help it - I must click onto the next chapter.

Ch.5. Dont you mean the roads were impassable?

Yours is a story to curl up with in an armchair. But I'm none the wiser about the point of the title.
More stars, and thankyou for supporting me again.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

THE WILLOW BRANCH
I like this story. I had a little trouble at first getting into it because some of the words are so old fashioned, but once I got used to that, it wasn’t a problem any longer; in fact words like ensorcel and scrying add to the belief the story is taking place in another time and world. Your dialogue is good; the detail you’re able to add to scenes makes this an overall good read. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi, there –this is an unforgivably late review from AudreyB. I recently audited my comments and discovered I owed TWENTY TWO reciprocal reviews. I am filled with shame. On the other hand, my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, never feels shame. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

The second sentence of your LP strikes me as a bit too long. Could you split it into two more powerful sentences? Or simply remove all needless words to add some oomph?

There are an awful lot of verbs of being in your first paragraph. In the third sentence, you can simply remove ‘were.’ In the fourth, cut “It was” and insert “They enjoyed.’ You could also do a little ‘showing’ here, and describe that without servants on hand, they served themselves cups of wine, etc…

In the second paragraph we have another ‘cups of wine’ in quick succession after the first. Repeating a vital phrase may be OK, but this one doesn’t seem vital.

But after that, I sailed along. I especially enjoyed Maryn’s conversation with Pedyr; it allowed me to see him as a friendly and well-liked ruler. I think I was as surprised as Pedyr at the death of Maryn, and I knew it was coming!

The first paragraph of Chapter 2 sparkles with action with well-chosen words. Nicely done.

Wow. Chapter 2 introduces us to significantly less likeable characters. I barely noticed how you made clear that Talidd is unsavory and Gregyn more admirable. I don’t mind that I couldn’t connect Chapter 1 with Chapter 2, but I’m hopeful you planted some hints in Ch. 2 that I’ll recall later on.

As a reader who seldom reads fantasy, I think you have done a wonderful job of world-building here. You mention the difficulty of the spring weather, the bare feet on Gregyn, and other details in just the right amounts to give me a sense of place. I also feel that this world has been well-conceived; that you know who did what when and how that got us all here. Unfortunately, because I don’t read much fantasy, I don’t know how your world compares to other fantasy worlds. You introduce the telepathic abilities effectively through Talidd.

I do have the sensation of having learned too many details. With books like this I’m always grateful if there’s a genealogy chart and a map in the front of the book.

I enjoyed reading about Padraig in Chapter 3 and liked his encounter with the farm wife. I believe he was mentioned in Ch 2 so I can make a connection there. I think you are hinting at another connection towards the end but I’m not certain. Again, these strands are fine if you’ll weave them together soon, but I am beginning to worry I won’t make all the right connections.

The silver lining of introducing all these separate strands is that I feel compelled to continue reading to find out how everything connects. I have to conclude you’ve done a good job of world-building and plotting to keep me, not a fantasy fan, reading.

Let me know when you’re ready to return to the CCRG group!!
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

- The Willow Branch -

(chapters one to six)

First up, I should admit that I'm not customarily a reader of fantasy and definitely don't have the skills to write in the genre so my commemts certainly don't come from any position of expertise and may be taken with a pinch of salt.

The world here is very convincingly created. As the reader, I had this real sense of history and geography about the places and the people I was being taken through. The writing feels good and solid, although I must admit the old-timey dialogue did make it a difficult flow for me now and then. I was a little bit lost in the opening chapters with so mamy characters and their backstories being introduced at once - but to be honest, I've found that happens to me a lot when reading fantasy (I was forever getting confused with who was who in Lord of the Rings) so it may well be a me issue rather than a book issue. One thing I did note was that, six chapters in, I was still a little unsure of the conflict, of exactly where the hero was heading and where I as the reader was being taken. Again, that could just be me as someone unnacustomed to the genre though. And as a writer, I'm certainly a complete novice so I make no claim at all to being right there.

Some things I noticed by chapter........



Prelude

- The should be no comma before the 'you' in 'And, you?' there should be one before the 'and' if it comes at the end of the sentence as a tag question but otherwise the sentence goes without.

- Constructions like 'A few of riders' crop up a few times. Is that old-timey usage?


One

- Does the word 'chocful' match the otherwise old world voice of the narrative?


Two

- I tend to think describing the character as having 'regular' features doesn't give us much of an image of him. I'm not of the school of thought that says a character's physical appearance needs to be described but if it is, I'd imagine it's probably to give them some distinctive, characteristic features.

- Should the 'traveled home' be 'was traveling' grammatically?

- Should 'He departed his true home' be 'had departed' in this case?

- In this chapter, it took me a while to get a sense of who Padraig was, perhaps because there was a lot of description of clothes, hints at what lay behind him etc., rather than his thoughts or focus on personality. It was only really at his meeting with Marya that he started to come alive for me.


Three

- I wasn't sure whether the 'leftover porridge' simile fit the mood. Just my personal feel though.


Five

- The word order felt a little difficult to digest in 'Trevellyn village had grown a bit since last he had passed through.'


Six

- Here I'd just note there was a great deal of dialogue, with minimal authorial direction and I did find it somewhat hard to follow for that reason.


I do apologise that my comment probably isn't of great help. As I say, my lack of experience with the genre renders me fairly unqualified to evaluate fantasy books. Hopefully, there are at least one or two useful points in there. I did enjoy the read in any case and wish you all the best with it.

Ross

Hello, Lela.
We're in the same Christian critique group, so I stopped by to check out your first chapter. I enjoy finding a writer whose style is not overly wordy. Your writing is concise. I also liked that the necessary background information about your characters was brought about through dialogue. This made the information come across more naturally and in a more entertaining way than if you had simply "told" us about your MCs marriage plans. Obviously, your MCs immediate death leaves the reader curious, meaning you have successfully employed a "hook" that should encourage readers to keep going. Thank you for sharing your work. If you have time, please check out my novel, Leave Me Asking. Best of luck.
Jonie

Here is your review of Padraig, for the character swap forum. I'm obviously partial to fantasy, I write about elves in my own story. I was happy to see that he has this connection. You describe "strongly blue eyes," this sounded a little off to me. Granted, I am from the States, so this may be why. Something to think over though. You mention him being able to make out the smell of the smoke, that is "half a day gone." I like knowing that he has supernatural powers, without overtly telling the reader. There is a sense of eloquence about him, that he has been well educated. This may be me reading to far in, but he seems to take in the small details and seems to be a great observer. He also has a distinct style of speech. As of now, it is not distracting, just be careful so that we don't lose the message in giving the dialogue "flavor." I tell almost 90% of people who right in their character's accent this same thing. Over all he seems like the strong, silent type. I could have used a little more dialogue from him, but this might just be a personal preference. I am giving you high stars and will be back for more! Hope this helps!

Best,

Ashley
"Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket"

Here to review Padraig as requested :)

He comes across to me at first as a patient and resourceful man. Not exactly calm to the point of emotionless, but just stoic in the face of hardships.

As the chapter goes on though I did get a sort of feeling that he has depths of emotion within him that we're not seeing, especially in relation to his past. I can imagine him carrying on and on, until things got too much and then he'd snap in an angry blaze of fury! I don't think you'd see his anger coming, but I think he'd still be very controlled even in face of overwhelming emotions.

He seems like a deep character to me.

Thanks for the links, Jay!

• Death took Maryn ap Trevellyn, crown prince of all Celdrya, by surprise.

Here, you shoot yourself in the foot. Why read on? We already know what’s going to happen, so anything the man says and does is of no importance because he’s already dead to a reader.

But further, since the reader doesn’t know who either he or Celdrya is they have no reason to care that he died. In writing, context is everything, and the reader has none.

• He and his foster brother, Deryk, were camped in a wood off the King’s Highway between the coastal city of Llyr and High Celdrya.

This line has meaning to you, but look at it from a reader’s point of view. The term “camped” could mean almost anything from bedrolls on the ground to a kingly pavilion, cooks, and musicians. You can see it in your mind, but the reader has nothing on which to build a picture. And while it’s nice to know they were midway between two places, what does it mean to someone who knows nothing of either? If they’re walking, moving ten miles is a different thing than if they’re riding, or on aircraft and just camping for fun. As yet we know nothing that would give context. You have it. The characters have it. Why not the one who it’s written for?

In his world he’s not concerned with where he is, but with what’s going on in his world. And that means that neither he nor any of the others is yet on stage. Instead, you, alone on stage, are info-dumping background information that he’s unconcerned with. How real can a scene be with only you, a non-player, in it?

• They were enjoying cups of wine with fresh bread and soft cheese and rolls of meat

Look at it from that reader’s viewpoint. We don’t know why the men are there. We don’t know what their goals, either short or long term are. We don’t know the political situation, where they’re bound, or where they came from. Why would what they ate matter when we don’t know who cooked it or what a “roll of meat” is? If you want to set the stage, why not have one of the men take a bite and mention that it’s good? After all, he’s on the scene. You’re not. Better to tell a reader what they think is important than what you do.

The problem is that we’re in your POV and you’re not in this story. You’re reporting what you hear and see happening but you’re not presenting the characters, other than as a report of what you visualize them saying and doing. You tell me his hair sets off his eyes, for example. But who sees this? It can’t be you because you’re not in the story. What that means is that when you talk about the story, as against presenting it in real-time, you might as well be shouting, “This is only a story I’m making up.” Certainly, that’s not something you want to do.

Here’s the problem, and it’s one we all share: the name of the profession is writing. There’s a skill of the same name that's given us in school as they prepare us to be responsible adults. That skill is generally useful to the majority of people, on the job, and in life. But, it is not synonymous with the profession called writing. That profession requires an entirely different, though related skill set. What we learn is fact-based, and author-centric. In construction it’s what we use when we are going to read a report to the class. There, our goal is to inform, and, we’re alone on stage. So by necessity, we talked about the situation we were describing. And that’s what you’re presenting here. It’s the script you would use were you telling this story to a group. In that situation, before you start telling your story you set the scene and give background data. You talk about the characters. And then when your audience knows the situation you tell them what's happening. And that’s what you're doing with the opening. But that's a cinematic, and verbal technique. Because we’re only getting the words you would speak we don't know how the character feels. We only get what you describe them doing. And that divorces the reader from the situation. We’re not on the vacation, we're hearing about it. There's a large difference between the two.

People don't come to you for the history of a fictional person. That's boring for the same reason your history books were boring. There’s no immediacy. There’s no uncertainty. It's just a report. But to your characters that situation is real. They're living. They have goals and dreams, and everything they say and do is in response to some motivation. Doesn't their life sound more interesting than reading a report about them?

Fiction is character centric. We don't want your point of view. We want to know how the character perceives their world, and what their objectives are. We don't want to hear that someone fell in love. We want to fall in love with them, for the same reason. And that can only happen if we know their world as they know it, rather than as you know it.

Fiction is emotion, not fact-based. We want to know how the character feels about what happens more than we want to know what happens. Take two opening sentences. The first says, “Samantha went on stage, today.” It’s data. Any questions it may raise are questions of fact. We don't know Samantha so, who cares if she went on stage? But how about if the line read, “Samantha wept on stage, today.”? That's an emotional issue. The question that comes to mind is “why?” And that question comes in spite of the fact that we don't know who Samantha is, because it's an emotional issue.

When we learned to write we also learned something called composition. It was concerned with the structure of the writing, paragraphing, organization, etc. but those rules of composition that we learned were nonfiction rules. And they are still guiding your hand as you write today. But, you're not writing nonfiction. And that means you need that set of compositional techniques designed for fiction.

When you tell a story aloud you make use of that marvelous instrument called the human voice. With it you provide nuances of emotion. You can make a story live as you use gesture, expression, tone and all the tricks of the storyteller's art. But that all vanishes on the page, which means you need techniques designed for telling a story on the page. They’re not hard to learn, though it will take you as long to perfect their use as did the techniques you now use. But they are necessary if you are to move your story from your head to the reader's head, intact.

Try these three articles. The first talks about a way to bring your reader into the story, make it seem real, and get you off the stage. The next discusses how to organize your story into a series is units of rising intensity. The third will help you remove the words that distance the reader from the story’s action.

http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php
http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/scenes-and-sequels.html
http://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words-weakening-your-fiction/

And if they make sense, you might think about acquiring the Dwight Swain book the first writer suggests. It expands on those articles and provides much more. As noted, it truly is the one book that every writer should have on their bookshelf.

Jay Greenstein
Wizards
Foreign Embassy
Samantha and the Bear.
Me: http://www.jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/about

Hi. Read your first two chapters. You have a huge book there. Chapter 1 and 2 read very well. I liked the hook in chapter 1. Grabs the reader.
Chapter 2
“I found another,” Gregyn reported. Talidd wondered if he have spoken too quickly. – Suggest “…if he had…”; change "have" to "had", "have" is the wrong tense.

“He still breaths…” breathes?

Not much to suggest for improvement. I like the way chapters 1 and 2 both end with a tease for the reader to go on. I'll bet you get mostly reviews of the first couple of chapters. I find it is hard to get people to review more than a few.

Good luck. It sounds very promising.

Hurray, I'm finally here to read your book. :)

Sorry for taking so long. I haven't been on authonomy for ages. ;(

I notice you seem to want feedback, so I'll look out for anything I can offer suggestions on. I guess I better get reading and commenting...

OK, if possible, I'd try and get things moving a bit sooner. The start feels a little slow to me. Is there any chance you could trim it? I feel like not much happened for a while. The reader will want to be hooked from the start.

And I'd try not to dump information on the reader as in eg "Gillian of Llyr was one year senior..." It's a bit jarring. It's like you've stopped the story and are telling the reader something yourself. I'd try and weave necessary info into the story wherever possible.

Nice dramatic ending to the 1st chapter. I'm now curious why there was just the 1 killing. This has the feeling of an assassination. I want to read on...

Nice change of pace with the 2nd chapter. I'm curious about Tariq. There are obviously powers afoot. And I enjoyed the Tarot-esque bit. :)

Where possible, I'd advise against going into detail about characters' pasts as in eg "When he'd been an eight-year-old street urchin..." This slows the main story dramatically.

OK, I need to get more general now. I think there's a nice tone to your writing. And your story feels like classic fantasy. But I think it needs some work. I could nitpick a lot, but I don't want to be a sod. Instead, I'd recommend "self-editing for fiction writers" by Browne and King. That 1 book taught me a huge amount about writing fiction. If you can get your hands on a copy, I think it could be useful.

Good luck with your writing.

Pete

A magical story told with a poet's words.
I found the descriptions of the time and surroundings the character's dwell within, cleverly inventive.
You have a really good imagination.
The only trouble I had was trying to pronounce the character's names, but thats nothing really.
I particularly loved the first chapter, which I found sad, when the prince was killed.
A story to take you away to another world.