Windhaven Loop

Hi Lynne,

I have just read your first three chapters and very much enjoyed. Your writing flows well and is very easy to read. I particularly like the way you incorporate the necessary details - what the characters look like, a bit of back story, who is related to who etc - into the flow of the narrative without it feeling intrusive. I thought the dialogue in particular was very well written and realistic, the characters were strong, and the story made me want to read on to find out more. A very enjoyable read so far, so 6 stars from me!

Best of luck with it.

Oktober

intellegent and well worked out book: brilliant narrative, stylish fluid and clear. great descriptions, and enchanting atmosphere...
backed...
read SEASONS...

Smoothly written. I wasn’t sold on the two pitches, particularly not the long one, but chapter one hooked me in. I found it a solid, reasonably paced introduction and with an intriguing reveal and hook to keep me reading on to chapter two.

Chapter two was also smoothly written, but I found the pace lagging a little in comparison with chapter one. The characterization was sound and the dialogue realistic, but if anything the introductory, social gathering chit-chat was a bit too realistic to hold my attention fully. Things picked up when Jim's father arrived on the scene.

Given the smoothness of the writing, it is difficult to fault this, but perhaps the tone and pacing is more suited to a middle class social mores novel than a science fiction story. I am not sure why, but I was reminded of John Wyndham, which is a compliment, but I don’t know whether the modern market is ready for more SF of that ilk. Nevertheless, good luck with this.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

I was caught by your blurb though after the first chapter I began to struggle a little reading this on screen. I think it is just harder to read on the computer rather than this being a difficult read. As a consequence skipped much of the next three chapters to get an overall feel for how the story would progress and was pleasantly surprised. I will give this a turn on my shelf as a result. Best of luck with it.

Good title and intriguing short pitch.

Enjoyed the long pitch, but I think you should cut the final paragraph. You're telling too much of the story. I'd also re-organise the commas in the second paragraph. You don't strictly speaking need one after 'patient' or 'Rook'.

Chapter one. Openings are always difficult, but this one is excellent. Grabbed me immediately. Love the wry humour in 'the infected sebaceous cyst who had just gone out should have been his last patient for the day'. The chapter is nicely paced with no problems that I can see. I'm going to read on. This is good stuff.

Chapter two. I had to re-read the opening sentences of this chapter a few times to work out who was who. I didn't know if Douglas was inside the house having just opened the door, or outside, having arrived at much the same time as Jim. If Mamie is Jim's wife (who presumably has just arrived with Jim, though the text doesn't state this) and is referred to as Douglas' sister-in-law, then that should make Douglas Jim's brother, but he isn't. He's married to Kate (I soon realise) who is Jim's sister. So actually Douglas and Mamie aren't in-laws at all, not strictly speaking. All the relationships become clear very quickly, but you might want to re-word the first few sentences so make it easier on the reader.

There's possibly a bit too much family history at the start of this chapter. I lost track of the names and relationships. Things come to life again with the arrival of Sir Harland. The tensions and bickering have an air of authenticity.

The last paragraph might need looking at as it changes point of view from Harland to Jim and back again. Minor point, but it stuck out for me.

Chapter three. Love the details about the food. Jim's exploration of the house had me on the edge of my chair.

General impression: if you'd told me this was written by Daphne du Maurier, I'd have believed you. You have her style, her gift for describing family dynamics, and her ability to go beyond the everyday in a totally convincing way. Excellent writing. I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and would definitely have read further if it were posted.

I enjoyed Beaumont and this promises to be just as enthralling. It's already full of suspense, interesting characters, love the colours associated with the names. You manage mystery very well and your dialogue is always good. Look forward to the finished work. Lots of luck!!

Hi Lynne,

I enjoyed your book as written thus far. I found the characters to be sound and they developed as I read each chapter. The dialogue is good too. I know it's a pain, but it might be worth indenting the paragraphs. It took me two days to do that with The Empress of Rome that I'd like you to read as a fellow time-travel writer. I have put your book on my bookshelf and hope to see the finished book before long. I'm looking forward to seeing how it ends.

Best wishes,

Clive

It is instantly clear upon reading your work that you're an accomplished and capable writer. While not as atmospheric as the stuff I usually enjoy (I suppose this is down to genre more than anything) you portray character very well and I could more than empathise with Jim as he tried to hurry Lorenzo through his appointment! The dialogue is also noteworthy; you write it convincingly and it seems to flow as natural conversation.

I do agree with the comment below, regarding the pitch, as it comes across as a little intense and could perhaps be made more accessible.

A confident and promising start! Hope some of this has provided food for thought,

TJB

hi jones i think u need to work on the long pitch, make it short if possible
well thats absolutely my personal view
do let me know if i can be of further help
if possible take a look at my book
http://www.authonomy.com/books/36317/a-doctor-rises/
and give ur valuable feedback.
regards
amit

Oh yes, this is a very good beginning. I read through it reasonably quickly and will need to go back just to get all the characters fixed in my mind. Hoping to see more of this soon.