Sahara Sparks and the Pool of Souls

I love the way you begin this with conflict, and I was immediately interested in “the tomb of the west.” The opening excitement serves as a really solid hook.

The writing is descriptive and strong. You do a good job of giving your reader the necessary information to create a vivid image of what is taking place.

Once you switch perspectives in chapter 1 to the main character, you do a good job of grabbing the reader’s attention again by introducing Gallagher and putting your characters in danger.

You’ve done a great job with Sahara’s voice. Very authentic. There are some great quips in here like, “I felt like he was reading into my soul. How creepy.” I think there are a number of opportunities to work more of this voice into the novel.

Suggestions: I’d comb through this and look to see if you can cut some of the adverbs. You use them often. They slow down your pacing and make some of your sentences feel clunky. Your writing is strong enough without them. I’d also trim or cut many of your dialogue tags. Tags are intended to indicate speaker, and when you consistently use long tag, it slows down the conversation to an unrealistic pace. This would benefit from a good polishing. Cut anything you don’t need (extra words, extra info, etc). Honestly, the prologue and first few chapters would be twice as effective if you cut them by about 25%. In chapter one, careful with repetitious word choice. “shadows” is used twice in the first two sentences. Some of the dialogue doesn’t sound authentic. Some suggestions to improve it are to read aloud the conversations you’ve written, listen to how teenagers speak on a regular basis, and use short, choppy sentences. I wonder if the recovery goes on a little too long? Just a thought.

Typos: Don’t forget the punctuation in dialogue. For example: “Well, why not,” he sneered… Also, as a general rule, punctuation goes inside the quotation. For example: “We need him,” Eli said. “Lets go” should be “Let’s go.” “Leaving the flames to consume…” is a fragment. In the first sentence of chapter 1, “there” should be “their.” In fact you misuse there/their/they’re consistently.

This is a really good start with a fascinating premise filled with adventure. This is a very marketable novel. With a thorough edit and polish, this will be even stronger. Good start!

Most people say the main character of a story should be introduced in the first chapter. I've only read the first chapter and there was no mention of Sahara. But Oh! The thrill of adventure and the unknown beckons the reader to find out more. You have proved that 'variety is the spice of life.'

You write incredibly well. For a first draft, this is excellent. With editing you'll be able to make this into a story that will be widely accepted by YA readers across the world. Excellent :)

very good book monica
i cant wait for the following chapters this it a wonderful story
keep up the good work and dont let others frown on you
this rough draft is alot better then some books ive read in finished form
great job
THE BEAST

This looks like a promising first draft(I've only read the first two chapters so far). There are some problems, but that's normal - they're the sort you'll spot when you edit and get rid of easily

I'm not much into the sort of POV strategy you chose in the first chapter - the head-hopping is hard to use, and most of the time it breaks down the action rather unpleasantly. Again, you might smooth it out when you edit, or perhaps you'll switch the POV style.

The second chapter runs much more smoothly - I really enjoyed reading it, even with the lack of punctuation(you seem to have written too fast to pay attention to that or something ;P )

I'll be adding your book to my watchlist and will read some more of it later. I really think that as soon as you edit it it will be "backable", and I'll watch out for that :)

If you can, please try to take a look at mine and leave a comment. I too am looking for feedback to improve my writing.

Hey, Monica. I'm continuing to read your book. I like that you're taking your time developing the characters and the plot. Sometimes people raised in the TV generation rush that and I'm glad to see you haven't. A few nitpicks: The hospital food was defiantly ...? Are you sure you don't mean "definitely". I mean, I've eaten hospital food and I have a defiant reaction to it in that I don't want to eat it, but I think Sahara "definitely" would prefer not to eat it. I think I saw that word misused in a couple of other places in the first five chapters, so you might want to check on that.

Commas should separate terms of address from the rest of the sentence. So, proper name, (comma) the rest of the sentence" or ""Hey, hands off, (comma) buddy". There's a fair number of those

I will continue reading and get back with you. You are currently on my WL and may spend some more time on my shelf in June. Lauri

HI Monica, There is lots to like in your colorful work. You bring us into the action right from the start. I've got a clear picture of what's happening in my mind and you've dropped lots of hints that we're in for an epic read. What would really make this prologue and first chapter leap of the page is to do more showing rather than telling. Let the characters convey to the reader what's happening to them by their actions/ facial expressions/ body language and conversations rather than have the narrator do this. It will make for more streamlined, vibrant, experience. Other than this, you've a winning storyline and exciting plot going for you and that's more than half the battle! Best of luck, star rated highly, and on my shelf. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Hi,

Well......a few points. I've restricted this to the first chapter. To be candid, I found the opening scene a little confusing, but this is probably because I'm obtuse. But for me, it lacked simplicity, and I was getting muddled. Jamon, I assume, was introduced merely as a vehicle for the reader to realise that the others now knew where to find the Tomb of the West. During this scenario, Jamon comprehends that Stefan is an angel. Shortly thereafter, there is a a moment when Jamon's life hangs in the balance. They let him go. This decision, obviously, is characteristically angelic - 'first good deed of the day' - but the fact a decision was required in the first place is decidedly uncharacteristic. Thus you've introduced sparklingly mercurial protagonists, which is interesting, and for me the strongest aspect of the opening chapter ; hard bitten angels with attitude - why not ?
Using their considerable skill, they enter. Here, the story dipped, when it should have cranked up a notch. The descriptions, whilst adequate, were not fitting for explosive action. Short, visceral bursts, a sense of jeopardy. I couldn't see that.
But your imagination soars ; you have a kernel of a great story. A little editing, some fine tuning and well.....who knows ?

Yes, yes, yes. Love this. The angels are very well portrayed and a good pull to me. I won't bore you with first draft comments: plenty of minor edits, punctuation, sentances that could be shortened da-de-da. Overall I think after an editor's eye and spit and polish, a publisher would go for this. I'd certainly consider buying it.

Deserves the desk. Back with pleasure.

Miles

Monica,
I see a book in the rough, needing paragraph indentions, punctuation marks and sentence tweaking. But I also see fast action, rivetting dialogue and compelling prose. "Sahara Sparks and the Pool of Souls" is definitely a gem in need of polishing and I can already appreciate some of the facets sparkling through. I find it a pleasurable read and would like to thank you for the privilege of catching it in its early stages and watching it develop beautifully.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

this is a very interesting book, a great fantasy...excellent narrative, together with almost perfect dialogue makes this novel a winner...l shall back...
read SEASONS...

I am working on cleaning it up,I promise that :) Just usually i pick between adding new chapters and fixing old ones and i get suckered into making new ones.I hate grammar with a passion :)

Monica, I finally finished what you have up of "Sahara". It really is a great story. I would love to read it after you've cleaned it up. Your concept is very entertaining and your descriptions grab the reader. I'd almost think you'd expeienced being shot. I hope not! Keep working on it. There's a small volumn I committed to memory a thousand years ago "On Writing Well", by William Zinsser (I think that's the spelling). It's available on Amazon and I saw it at Barnes & Noble a couple of weeks ago, so it's probably on their website too. I would recommend it to any aspiring writer.

Despite it being a diamond in the rough, "Sahara" will ride my shelf for a while to show my support of a writer with promise with a promising story. Lauri

Monica, thank you for putting The Willow Branch on your shelf. I hope someday to return the favor.

I love your story. I haven't finished it yet because, frankly, I'm reading Alexis d'Toqueville's "Democracy in America" and that's taking up a lot of my time and attention (in addition to being an adult with a full-time job, a family and a writing obsession. Very scholarly book, written in French and translated into 1840s English. Chock full of ideas, but not an easy read. I am reading yours though. It's much more entertaining.

You really need a lot of work on the grammar. The good thing is, grammar's not that hard, it's just the least fun part about writing. Big things that stand out for me:

It is ," (comma then end quote). You have it the other way around pretty much all the way through. Contractions like "let us" (let's) need a 's (apostrophe s). Commas should separate names from the rest of a sentence, as in "Nice work, (comma) Stephan."

When a character is asking a question, you should end the question with a question mark.

It could just be the way your document converted to rich text, but sometimes your paragraphs are indented and sometimes not and I found it really distracting.

If your word processing program has a grammar checker, run your text through it. It'll pick up a lot of those punctuation errors. You should almost always listen to it on that one. However, it will also try to give you guidance on how to formulate sentences. Computers are really good at math ... grammar, not so much. Great for highlighting run-ons and fragments, but they lack creativity. They want every sentence to be in active voice, for instance. Subject-verb-object is wonderful, but writing that is exclusively SVO is BORING. All the sentences sound alike. You need to toss in a passive voice sentence now and then. And, if your characters are speaking dialect, forget about it; you're giving the grammar checker a nervous breakdown. So use your judgment, read your writing aloud to yourself so you can hear what it really sounds like, and then ignore the grammar checker if it feels right to you.

Of course, if you have any advice on The Willow Branch, I would love to hear it. It's gratifying to be on someone's shelf, but I also want to deserve the honor. I also came to Authonomy to hone my craft and improve my product. Thanks!

Hey Monica, I don't read this genre so I'm the best person to ask for advice, but I read the first chapter and enjoyed it. There are couple small things that I would tweak, but that's me (so if you want them let me know) The best thing about this first chapter is the story and let's face it..that's what were all here for...right? You started it with a bullet that it stop until the last paragraph (good hook).

I will gladly give you lot's of of stars and place you up on my shelf as soon as I have some space!

Cheers,
Dwayne

I will keep that in mind when i get back around to editing,thanks :)

For Our Swap

I was pleasantly surprised reading this piece. The story line is brilliant and the cliffhanger at the end of chapter one when the fire starts is equally great.
There are many grammatical errors such as missing commas, question marks and a few speech marks facing the wrong way but that is nothing that a light edit will not fix.
Just remember if a different person is speaking, you have to start a new line [someone pointed that out to me on this site - :) ]
A very good beginning.
Backed with pleasure
Asma.

Thanks for the advice,my english teacher would say the same thing :)

Thank you for your kind comments, Monica. I've never read Eragon, so any similarities between The Willow Branch and that are purely coincidental. My 12-year-old son says I should feel complimented however. I'm putting your book on my watch list and will read it. Having just read the first chapter, I must say you've got talent. Just keep writing. I started when I was 12 and when I read what I wrote when I was your age, I wince, but I was building skills and learning about what worked and what didn't. One big piece of advice I would give you, which you aren't going to like, but will thank me for in the future -- learn grammar and use it. Someday, you'll be good enough at writing to break the rules, but right now, the rules are your best friend as a writer. Trust me on this!