Hard To Please

"Love may be blind, but it doesn’t have to be deaf, dumb, and stupid. " Now that's classic. I like the lines. We don't really care aboutmastrology, but we know women do. I once publshed a book called Sex in the 90s. It had 187 lines men use and 49 lines women use. Is this a great game or what. Five stars.

Loved your book. It's like a male version of chic-lit and I mean this is a compliment. It's great to hear things from a man's perspective, very intuitive. I think it would appeal to both genders which is fantastic. All in all a great read.

Your short pitch could not have been more accurate.

Well, Mr Battles!
What a read! I think Preston is a great character - what a cad! Your writing is slick and carries the perfect tone for this sort of book. I read to the end of chapter four and really enjoyed it, though it's not a book I would normally read.
One small point - Preston doesn't strike me as the sort of character who would be the lest bit interested in astrology and yet he brings up the subject of both being Leo when he talks to Patricia on the telephone - that didn't strike me as very 'male'.
Professionally written and an entertaining read!
Best,
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

HARD TO PLEASE
This story is an inside look into how men think. So I found it very interesting. Both Preston and Patricia are good characters; I liked the description of the nightclub and the session in the manicure station a lot because of the detail you include in descriptions. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

This is a very confident writer, a little extravagant, but the author's intelligence and sensitivity shine through. So sensitive, that if I hadn't seen the male photo of R.A.Battles, I'd have guessed a woman was laying down the finessed words until I read chapters 4 and 5.

The story's in present tense which is hard to write well. Most professional writers choose past tense, but the author handles present tense smoothly as if born to it.

Along with many cultural references (RCA's Nipper, Barney Fife, etc), the author embeds sly jokes or 'Easter eggs', such as the radio show The Quiet Storm. The characterisation is excellent– I can hear Liz McCall's voice in my head. I didn't connect Sandy as Asian until she told us, but that's in the beholder's eye.

The author pulls a balancing act, telling us up front that Patricia is Preston's intellectual superior, but it's a matter of education, not IQ. Where else would you get a lesson in classical Greek literature? But there's more, way more. Preston sounds shallow, but he isn't. He pampers himself, yes, but he's far less narcissistic than his toys and fine appurtenance might suggest.

Chapter 4 introduces us to a ménage à trois, the first solid evidence of a male writer breaking cover. The sex scene is deftly and even a bit discreetly managed with a trace of humour. However, it's in chapter 5 when Preston and his friend Dave talk, that you get the full masculine voice effect. Which, raises a question: I've always heard grown-up men talk less about sex with one another than women. Hmm…

Backed with pleasure.

Hey Mr. battles. I just finished read up to and through chapter 4. I had backed it after chapter 1 Maybe I was being a lil bias at first, because My book is in the same genre (urban fiction) which isn't listed just yet here on Authonony. But I can guarantee you that with books like ours, and book writer such as yourself and I, it won't be long coming. I'm not an expert editor and really I love everything about your work, the only advice I can give is, KEEP UP THE EXCELLENT WORK. And CONGATULATIONS ON YOUR FUTURE BESTSELLER. 6 STARS

Great story, I really enjoyed it. Backed.

Hi R.A.,

I owe you a return read. So sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.

Love the short pitch.

In the long pitch, the second Preston can be “he” to avoid redundancy, though sentence one and two are not really linear with one another. I might suggest, “He and his bombastic sidekick, David Jackson, are typically found scoping out babes (or women or whatever you want to say) on Friday nights at the local night club.” It just makes it clearer that you’re hinting at where his womanly failures might stem from. Small thing, and just a thought.

The pitches are fairly well written, but still could use some condensing. Keep it to the hooks and be weary of inserting too much back story. The goal is to entice the reader to turn the page, not to necessarily give a synopsis. Still, one of the better pitches I’ve read on Authonomy.

Chapter one

A lot of your sentences have “I” as the subject, which is easy to do when writing in FPPOV. You might consider varying it up though for readability.

Your writing is crisp and your storytelling is fantastic. This book will do well. To be honest, I am not an expert in the romance genre. Isn’t really my cup o’ tea, even though I have romantic elements in my own story (frankly, it’s a subgenre I probably ought to improve on). That said, I think once the appropriate demographic finds this, it will do very well on Authonomy. I usually don’t look at other comments before posting my own, but I was curious. I discovered that you seem to have had a lot of readers who aren’t really typical romance readers. Might try targeting the romance readers. This book deserves more support.

Six stars and I’ll be recommending this to folks I think might be interested. Best of luck.

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hi Rodney
Read the first three chapters this morning and really enjoyed them. Not my normal reading material but very enjoyable, nonetheless, and you write really well. Preston is an intriguing character. Not quite sure about Patricia giving the 'Auntie Flo' excuse but that's possibly just me - can't see myself telling that to some guy I'd just met!
Anyway, a good start to my Sunday so thank you. Starred and on my shelf
Sheila

I only intended to read the first chapter of Deceptions but I ended up reading two. I really warmed to your m.c. Preston. The cutting from the brides dress was really quirky I like the way that was woven into the story. Preston sure is in touch with his feminine side! I suppose in sales he must look his best. I like your style of writing; it flowed well and was easy to read. This is the sort of book I would take on holiday with me and enjoy whilst I was chilling. I am going to put it on my watchlist as I want to come back to it later. I'm dying to find out what happens between Preston and Patricia! Well done and I hope this makes it to the ED. I would be grateful if you could take a look at my novel Pain.

Kim

Dear R.A.,

Your novel reads very well. It is clear and concise, and I didn't see anything wrong grammar-wise. It brought back memories of the club scene in Texas, a scene I am very well familiar with. I partied there through my twenties. It was fun to go back for a spell while reading this book. This isn't typically me genre but you did well to capture my atention and pull me into Preston's world. Big stars.

Rebecca
~Askival
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38264/askival/
Over eleven thousand teens vanish in one day. This is the story of where they went.

I'm coming back to this after a long time and it's just as good as I remember it...clean, direct, detailed and very readable...it smells of commercial success!
Best wishes
Stewart

Just read the first four chapters, very easy to read story as the narrative and dialogue are so natural. The pace, whilst never slow, certainly steams up in places. I loved the lines about his hair looking like taco meat and the obedient puppy expecting a Scooby snack. The Mule Spray did make me laugh. I like the contrast of his player personality in chapter four, with the man who visits the salon chatting to the ladies and with the conversations he has with Patricia.

This feels like chick-lit for men. A fun read so far.

Ron,

I was quite amused by the first two chapters of Deceptions. I read with a cocked grin on my face the whole time, and every once in a while I let out a little chuckle. I don’t know one man that goes to beauty salon - but then again I live in the Midwest with a bunch of farmers. I love the hair salon setting and that Preston’s most valued advice comes from ladies who have not been so lucky in love. Even so, they do have some good advice. One gold nugget - “To be truly happy, a man needs to have a dream and someone to share it with.” I liked that. Your strong point, obviously, is dialogue and you have the gift of setting a descriptive scene in not so many words. Sorry, once I reached chapter three, I felt compelled to quit. Hope you understand…

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Easy and enjoyable read about a world I'm totally unfamiliar with. Dialogue between characters appears your main strength, and I got a few laughs from euphemisms such as 'areolas that look like little peanut paddies' and '...as long as she's got something in her backyard.' I like these because they're real Americanisms and not used here in the UK. One typo I spotted in first chapter, when Preston gives Patricia business card..."she seems to looking 'thorough' me." One thing I'd be tempted to change also is the 'Nipper' the RCA dog. It's a great bit of descriptivness, but I feel you give information that isn't required. I'd suggest something like "I tilt my head like Nipper, the RCA phonograph dog." (I think that's a picture most people are familiar with - on both sides of the Atlantic).

I had a huge laugh at the beginning of chapter 2 when Patricia said 'Aunt Flo came to town early.' (in the UK we use the term 'having the painters in' when a female is out of commision). One small thing right at the start of the chapter; 'acting on the sage advice' - shouldn't that be 'sagely'? - though perhaps that's a difference between American and British English.

The phone conversation between Preston and Patricia sounded pretty authentic, though I think you should perhaps mention in their initial meeting at the club that they exchanged birth dates. The Oedipus complex was very well explained - and something women are more likely to be familiar with.

All in all this is a fun read, and Preston is an engaging character who I'm sure the reader sympathises with. I've given Deceptions a high star rating accordingly.

Deceptions. Rodney - as promised.
Your pitches suggest a light hearted read, which I'm in the mood for right now. There are not enough of those on this site.

Ch.1. I like that thought of selling doesnt begin until someone says no.
And this is an interesting glimpse into a world I have had very little to do with.
By the way, you dont need to repeat Patricia's details a second time through conversation at the salon. But the new info on what she looks like is okay.
And you even throw in some philosophy.

Ch.2. I dont remember them exchanging birth-dates. Do you put those on your cards where you live?
Perhaps there's just a little too much exposition dialogue between the narrator and Michelle, which holds up the action...

Ch.3. Your writing gets better and better, but I think I'd better stop now!

Jane. (Breath of Africa)

Great job! You've added a pleasing mixture of humourous and intriguing dialogue. I read through chapter four -- very spicy ;) I really like your premise and look forward to reading more about Patricia and how she captures Preston's heart. I think you've nailed it in this genre. Backing this one!

Best,
Michelle
~ Willow Lake Manor ~

Rodney, you have a delicate touch to your writing that is perfectly suited to your subject. The right word, the appropriate phrase, everything works. That's not coincidence. You've crafted your novel, worked hard at its development and the result is a solid storyline that flows along taking the reader in its wake. Sharp dialogue, precise editing, not a word out of place. My congratulations. On my shelf very soon.
Jake

I have just started reading Deceptions. I love your writing style. It reminds me of... mine. I like writing that tells the story without being all pretentious with big words for the sake of big words. At the same time, I don't feel like it's "dumbed down writing" (someone said that about mine once). You use the language appropriate for the situation which blends so nicely with the dialogue.

The dialogue felt real and I could vividly see and hear the inside of that night club. You've got intriguing characters that I want to learn more about - and I will! I didn't have a lot of time tonight or I would have kept right on reading. I'm definitely coming back when I have more time. Highly starred and I will put you on my shelf as soon as I choose one to kick off. (I hate that part).

BTW - I've never heard about that tradition with the wedding dress. Is that true? Most women I know cherish the stupid gown like it's actually worth something for later. I'm not questioning your writing, or its believability, I am just curious to know.

Emma

The writing is very good, crisp and crafty. Rodney, your command of the English language is extraordinary indeed and that ability helps enhance the narrative in this story very well. All of the basics are followed here. The story moves along quickly with a nice balanced theme of strong dialogue that appears very accurate and well defined narrative that leads well.

I would think those who read this genre will like this book very much. While it is not necessarily my thing, I did enjoy the strong writing. You have a wonderful gift in the ability to 'paint' scenes and you again balance this very well. I think the thriftiness of word usage comes out regularly and that may well be the thing that kept me reading. I'm not much on the erotica stuff but every reader has their interests. Like I said, the writing is very good.

Best of luck with this.

I've been reading "Deceptions." I guess what I like about it most, besides the smooth writing, is that it's both light and philosophical, like Cole Porter at his sophisticated best. Also that it's humorous, which carries into the tastefully handled erotica. Your technique is to further the story with witty dialogue and keen description. I think of Dakoda's entry in Chapter 10.

It's also cool the way you gravitate toward the beauty parlor, where the narrator gets his bearings and insight into women. And man, does he know them! After ten chapters, I still can't quit. I'd buy all your novels and give them a prominent place between Mark Twain and Laclos ("Dangerous Liaisons"). By the way, you'll want to place an "a" in the phrase "Can be fickle old bitch" (Ch. 2) and an "of" in "replace some the fish" (Ch. 3). But this old editor finds very few nits to pick in Rodney Battles' clever works.

Keep it up, Bill

i like your short pitch a lot- it drew me in right away. i really really like your cover too. im not a fan of super long pitches because i think theres a fine line between giving too much away and not giving enough away, but i think you captured that well. i like your story telling for the most part. most of the coversation seems natural but then theres other times where i think the coversation is a little forced and unatural. but thats just me being nit picky.
good luck with this,
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

I read through your first chapter. I usually read YA or Children's lit, so this is a little outside of my comfort area. However, your pitch was engaging and made me want to read more. I'm not terribly good at grammar, so I am not going to comment on any of that. Although, nothing stuck out to me as needing fixed. In general, I think that the first chapter is a good start and that it will attract readers of the genre. Keep up the good work!


Best,

Ashley
'Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

An excellent cover and good pitch.
You write extremely well with no obvious signs of edits.
Easy to read, but descriptions are beautiful. You have a wonderful imagination, but sometimes get a little carried away and describe too much when it is unecessary,I have the same problem too,so I am told).
Your storyline is great, and I found myself reading a little more than I expected to.
Overall I think this is an extremely good book which is well written. It has a great storyline which works well, but needs a few minor edits on the descriptions as I mentioned.
I give it 5 points
Ruby Middleton(Will Ryan)

I read the first chapter and liked it, the descriptions describe the settings well. Some of the converstions seemed slightly forced, reserved . Patricia, a full time student, I assume she is young and the dialogue seemed a little old for her age. Also, I can not picture anyone discussing financial strategies with women at a salon. Otherwise, I do believe you have the start of a good story.
Best of luck.
Always J

Hi Rodney

I don't have much constructive to say, but I liked what I read. It is well written, good descriptions, good pacing. The only thing I noticed is that some of the dialogue is a little stiff; here and there, it is not easy to imagine it coming from an actual person.
Other than that, I didn't notice anything. I think it will do very well.

I'd appreciate it if you have the time to have a read of and comment mine, too. Thanks :)

Rodney,
I read the opening paragraphs to Deceptions when Preston meets Patricia at the night club. While such a scene is not of particular interest to me, I was impressed by how you describe Preston's surroundings and how the dialogue is easily imagined. Patricia is someone I could imagine meeting from the way you describe her. Her mysterious disappearance caused me to feel a sense of abandonment as I sensed Preston's wonder of what happened to her. Few writers could draw me into a scene I wouldn't care to be involved in myself, but your descriptions create such lucid images in the reader's mind that one is easily lost in the narrative.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

A very entertaining read, Good luck with this book. Yours Bea

Dear Mr Battles,

When I checked my Authonomy account at work last night, I was so happy to find you had backed Haktaw Heart, and thus my message to you that I had put yours on my watchlist.

It was nice of you to respond so quickly -- “Hope you will respond in kind.”

I didn’t know if you wanted my comments or to put your book on my shelf or both. Since my shelf was backed up,I took time to start reading deceptions while I was eating my dinner at work. Even though my shift ended up lasting 25 hours instead of the normal 24, I, unfortunately, was only able to read two chapters and make notes.

Since I’d only had a brief nap at work,I decided to take a little nap when I got home and finish your opus over coffee when when I got up.

When I awoke to find another message from you -- “Hmmmmm!” -- only 19 hours after your first one, I took this to mean you were anxiously awaiting my comments. However once I looked through other people's comments, I didn’t feel quite as special because apparently you were anxiously awaiting their comments too.

So here goes. I am not an expert on any of this stuff, just a reader with sub-par grammar who likes to write.
------------------------
-- Love the cover

--Martini Saucer is not a phrase I am familiar with, I assume it’s a regional description of a martini glass, It made me think of a saucer, like cup & saucer, I was sure that’s not what you meant. It just gave my pause and got my mind cranking and outside of the story for a bit too long. I’d just see if anyone else mentions it.

--You have a knack for description and your grammar seems highly polished.

--The conversations seemed overly formal (professorial) for such a fun relaxed atmosphere. The sentences were definitely constructed properly. Its just not how I normally hear people speak. For example, “I also have to drive about thirty miles to get home.” & “Speaking of women, are you dating anyone special.” It’s probably just me. See if anyone else mentions it.

--I love the line - “when my hair starts to look like a bowl of taco meat.” It was a great visual and also funny. There were other times when the humor seemed a bit forced and just there, thrown in , purely as comedy. i.e.- aunt flo, noassatall, oedipus. Humor is subjective, so others may LOL.

These are just my opinions as a reader, please discard whatever doesn’t work for you. You are obviously a skilled writer and I wish you all the best in your writing career.

highly starred,
BS
HAKTAW HEART

Not strictly my genre, but I enjoyed reading this Rodney. I think you have an interesting metrosexual character here with plenty of fantasies and I guess my main two comments would be 1) I think the dialogue could be tightened up in places to keep the pace going, and 2) perhaps the whole thing with Patricia could happen sooner. Your protagonist is sure different than the men in my book!
Cheers
Ian

Hello R.A.,

Read chapter one:

“… There was a time when I would have taken this first rejection personally, but as a sales professional, I’ve learned that selling doesn’t begin until someone says, no” – oh, what life an axiom!

“She pulls up her gown, revealing the high parts of her thighs. “Cut a piece. If a man cuts a piece of a bride’s wedding gown and keeps it, he’ll have good luck with women.”- Hohoh!

Deceptions story tastes good and moves smoothly.

I will read on.

Julius B [Destined to Triumph]

I've just read your first chapter and the first thing thst strikes is your good command of language. Not only is it grammatically flawless, you have a.wide range of vocabulary too, incluidng a couple of words I don't know (which is a good thing- I read to expand my vocab among many other reasons!) you describe the place well and tastefully, I can picture the long shadows. 

Good characterisation too - already feel like I know this guu. 'the selling doesn't begin till they say no'- I have a feeling this theme will come up again. Also had to chuckle at 'upper frontals'. Nver heard that before and it made me smile.

Couple of quibbles- I'd be wary of the repetition of the word 'color' in that first sentence. Anywhere else it might not matter, but in first sentences... Also, it felt a little as though you were forcing description and backstory into dialogue. 

Also - three days? I think we secretly expect the call within a day at most. (if it had been a man giving him the advice, 3 days would make sense, but  think a woman would say one.) Do you men have any idea of what you put us through? ;)

Good stuff, and highly rated.

Rodney,
I've read 4 chapters and I have a found them well written, no wandering with tense, excellent spelling etc. It is a professional manuscript.
2 typos Ch1 Why is (it) important that I end...
Ch2 ..storm didn't affect any (of) the homes
In Ch3 her legs are (even) shapelier and more georgeous. Not wrong but I would lose the 'even', perhaps reverse the sentence. Her legs are georgeous, shapelier than I remember.
Stentorian voice? The word is unusual and it didn't fit for me, particularly given where you take the story.

OK Nits done.
The salon scene in chapter 1 is very good. It is easy to miss the vanity of a man having his nails done in the middle of the easy conversation he has with the salon workers. It is an eye opening piece because Preston remains very male, has a very frank discussion with several women while having a manicure. I presume Preston is Black and I pondered that the scene probably would not have worked with a white man.
I am starting to think of this as Chick Lit for Men, I am also referencing Alfie in my head.
Hello the old fashioned way made me laugh. I am too old to know any other way but I imagined perhaps "yo" as an alternative.
The toothpaste mix-up gave this a comedy feel and that immediately brought Richard Pryor to my mind.
'bad boys are over six inches long.." Given the situation, innuendo can quickly turn things into porn but you walk the line carefully...'nothing sexy about a naked man in socks. I don't read Romance. Do they get that graphic? Perhaps that is where Chick Lit comes in. Preston isn't hapless so his inner monologue is crucial in stopping this straying into gratuitous porn. I do feel a bit of an amateur here because I am not good at the distinction between different classes of erotica. Do female readers enjoy the male or female voice? If the latter then this is Manly lit and I guess the comedy becomes more important. What do I know? I found this very different and very capably written. As a reader the only thing that might stop me going on is my own sense of being a bit of a pervert which says more about my sheltered life than your book. Judged purely on writing ability this is up there with the best on this site. I think my reference to Alfie could be a interesting way of pitching this to give it a broad context to people unsure what to expect. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfie_(1966_film)
I read to Chapter 4 by the way.
Good Luck and even though you had to nudge me (I normally wait to return reads so my review isn't just an afterglow) this is a serious contender.
Great work
Norton

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start. An interesting main character. I'd like to get deeper into Preston's head. Clever wit. Vivid imagery. Not much tension in this chapter. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... has both of the large, live ocean dance packed.' A word seems to be missing from this sentence. Should 'floors' follow 'ocean?'
2) 'Everybody is dressed to impress.' 'Dressed to impress' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
3) I would have liked to be in Preston's head and seen how he reacts emotionally to the first rejection. As written, he has no emotional reaction. Is that what you intended?
4) I would like to see more description of Patricia and Preston's body language during their conversation. As written, there is no body language between the handshake and Preston reaching into his pocket.
5) "I'd say she's about 5'7" or so." Spell out numbers 1-99. Also, spell out feet and inches.
6) "Yes ma'am." Comma after 'yes.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Please excuse my rudeness in not critiquing your story immediately after receiving a critique from you.

Happy writing.

Al

This is such an engaging story. You have a good clean style writing style. I enjoyed reading about Preston and his pin-balling from woman to woman and then the development on his relationship with Patricia.

Sexual encounters are well written with maturity and feeling and don't feel rushed or forced. You have some great observational humour and you paint your characters very colourfully.

My only concern with your story is that you tend to go over board with the clothing descriptive. You obviously see your characters in your head and want to share that with your reader, but let us use our imaginations. We don't need every tiny detail.

I also have a story on Authonomy, called Soul Reunion. If you have some time I would welcome your thoughts on my work.

Best regards

Lorraine

I had no intention of becoming so engrossed in Preston's world but your command of the language and the structure of this story pulled me in where I was soon charmed by Preston's voice and surprisingly the girls at the beauty salon. I have only read one chapter but I already know this is something I want to be backing. You have created a unique character and at no time did it feel like you were throwing characterization down my throat as I read this chapter. The details emerged gradually throughout the chapter: His detailed run down of his attire, the corvette, the way he notices the tall women, the wedding dress, he's a collector, and he knows what he likes.

I'm looking forward to seeing more of his interactions with the girls at the salon. At first his obsession over his appearance made me think he could be gay. Now I think he's just extremely cagey. What better way to learn about women than a beauty salon?

As far as crits and nit picks go, I will try and find a few( not easy).

4th paragraph: You could cut out the second use of "change" in the paragraph and not lose anything. "bright white to blue, then to purple, then to red, before turning white again." just a suggestion to tighten this up. I found very little that was extraneous in your prose which sets your novel apart from many on this site.

I wanted some more detail on the music. Your descriptions were one of the strengths of this chapter but a bit more on the music would have let me place these events in a firmer time frame. The corvette and suit made me think 1970's which I think was wrong.

The dialogue was excellent. I loved the give and take of the salon ladies with Preston.

I'm going to give this 5 stars for now and will find a space on my shelf after the first of this month. Thanks for the read and I will spread the word on the forums.

Rodney, I am so sorry it has taken my too long to get to this. I’ve been so busy with my own book I have become unfairly selfish returning reads.

I’m never very keen on the present tense (purely a personal thing) but in this instance I found it worked and pulled me into the story and let the action happen all around me.

I really love your initial description. You certainly know how to paint an image. Love your characters clubbing clothes. You strike a fine balance between lots of picture without every crossing the line into information over load. But later it seems as though you give up on description and begin a lot of telling rather than showing. It’s not in keeping with the style of the beginning and it almost appears as though you, as the writer, became lazy as you continued the story and I doubt this is the case, or the impression you want to give people.

Best of luck with this. A little tidy up and you could have a lovely, bubble story that will appeal to most readers.

Janny

I like the way you move the converstation along. I feel like each chapter I read I begin to get to really know the characters. Keep up the great work can't wait to read more.

I love that you don’t hesitate to introduce us to your character and his motivations. I also love his snazzy outfit. Interesting mystery you’ve developed with the woman in the wedding dress. When I read that, I started to become hooked. I hope we get to find out about her later in the novel. I’m also intrigued by Preston’s character. The way he dresses, his visits to the beauty salon, his love for women. He’s an interesting guy I wouldn’t mind spending a few hundred pages with. He does read a bit feminine, though, but that just might be part of his character.

There is some nice dialogue sprinkled in this opening chapter as well. You’ve done a good job of showing your characters and their personalities. I liked the line about the “Itty Bitty Titty Committee.” Brought back memories of high school. I enjoyed the pacing once he goes to the beauty salon a lot more than the opening pages. They didn’t feel as rushed. We had the chance to bond with the characters and begin to wonder when and if he’s going to see Patricia again. We also learned more about his past. It was some good insight.

I do have a couple of suggestions. First, when he arrives at the club, you don’t provide the reader with much of a visual. I struggled to envision what the club looked like. I found it difficult to put a time period to this, too. This could be resolved with maybe a sentence or two of what he observes (other than the retro music and packed dance floor) as he walks in. Also, I wonder if the mystery of the woman in the wedding dress is hindered by him meeting Patricia so quickly. It makes this feel rushed; it doesn’t allow the reader to wonder if it’s legit or not. I think the opening chapter might be stronger if you fleshed out the club seen, made that your opening chapter, and left off with a good hook. Then you could start chapter two with the beauty salon. Just an idea.

Also, when writing in first person present tense, when you discuss the past tense, you don’t need “had.” For example, “The bride and her wedding party had left” simply becomes “The bride and her wedding party left.” This occurs multiple times in the first chapter. Let me know if you have any questions about this, as it’s one of the more confusing shifts in tense.

Minor typo: “Patricia takes a pen out of purse” should have a “the” before “purse.

As a whole, this opening is well-written, develops interesting characters, and creates an intriguing plot. With a bit of polish and some fleshing out, this is going to be phenomenal. Great work!

Nicely paced. At first I was struck by how many clothes and accessories were being described, but I suppose a man this familiar with the beauty salon is likely to notice such things, so consistent character building. I enjoyed the play-like quality of it being mainly dialogue. I will return.
One small spot: missing 'it' in the sentence "Why is [it] important that I end the call...."

Have a look at 'The Umbrella Men" if you have the time. It's about bankers behaving badly. There's tautology for you....

Timothy FJ

The short pitch drew me in and the first 3 chapters didn't disappoint. I thought this was well-written and amusing, Preston is an interesting, well-drawn character. The writing is relaxed, making for an easy read, full of delightful touches that breath life into a story. I also thought the dialogue was sharp and realistic. Nitpicks, I couldn't find any! On my WL for further reading and generously starred. Good luck with this.

Hi Rodney,

I do apologize for not getting to you sooner, and I really do appreciate your continued backing. I'm sorry if I haven't shown it.

I did read some. You're quite a fine writer - you have some great descriptive passages -love the way you describe people's outfits to tell us a bit of who they are. It's also quite refreshing to hear about romance from the male perspective -not enough of that around in my opinion.
I do wish you'd choose your words a bit more carefully: imbibe sounds a little overblown, and decolette refers to a neckline, not a necklace. I also found a bit of "telling" instead of "showing." For example, instead of describing a wedding gown as "obviously expensive", show us, e.g. "she was wearing a wedding gown of pure silk, with embroidered rosettes that screamed high-end designer." Ditto a "sultry" dress. How about something like "a dress that showed just the right amount of cleavage, hugging her hips and ending just above her knees." You're showing us sultry instead of telling sultry.

You have a nice gift for story-telling, and your romance intrigues. I've given you a bunch of stars.
Again, thanks for your backing of Animal Cracker, and my apologies for delay in reading your book.
Best,
Andi

Oh wow, a sex scene done really well!! Nice. :)

HAHA, I love the ending to the third chapter: Lets not talk, you do whatever feels good!!! lol I''m gonna use that line.
Hmmm.. by the third chapter, I'm really loving the first person present and wouldn't suggest you change it!!! haha, i'm hard to please.... lol. I'm looking forward to hearing what an editor has to say, i think you will be on the desk some day!!

I've just read through your second chapter, and I stand by the 6 star rating I gave you book a short while ago. This is very easy to read, and very well polished. The story just keeps the reader hooked in. It is definitely up there with the best books on this site, in my opinion.
The only thing that bothers me, and I think will turn off some readers, is the present-tense. I think you should spend a little time, just changing the tense in the first two chapters, and then compare the two versions and see which one reads better. Unless there is a reason you need to tell the story in this way (using present tense). I don't think it would be difficult to change the tense, and it may make this story just that much more appealing, because the story is already incredibly appealing, and I'm gonna read on!!
Thanks again, this book is a breath of fresh air!! :)
And I'm really hard to please!!

OH, and I forgot to ask, what's a "klatch" ?? And what's a "dauber" ?? I know I could look them up on dictionary.com and I will, but these words jarred me, cause I don't think I've heard them before.
This is very easy to read.

This is really good!!! First person, present tense done well! A pleasure to read, hooked me in from the opening line and paragraph.
Wow!! I love it... You deserve to be published!! hmmm.. I can't get rid of any books currently on my shelf for a while, but you will be on there next. In the mean-time a high star rating.
There wasn't anything I found to "Pick on" in this piece, other than that I'm not really a lover of first person present. But you have done it really well. I love the hook at the end of the first chapter, and I'm going to read on. This is a book that I would buy. I believe you will make the editors desk soon. Great idea, great storyline from what I can see so far.
Thanks for sharing, and great work!! Monicque :)

LOL. I haven't read any of your work yet, but I like the description!!

Love may be blind, but it shouldn’t be deaf, dumb, and stupid.

LOL!!!!! When it comes to me (and probably most), love does make you go deaf, dumb and stupid..... looking forward to reading your work.

Great read! Putting you on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by authour CC Brown.
Good Luck!
Rog50