Down the Wooded Path

I started reading this book today. I'm putting it on my watch list. I have a busy weekend, but will get back to it as soon as I can. I'm enjoying it.

I've added this book to my watchlist because of your pitch - it is the type of story I would pick up. Will review properly when I've read it. We seem to be similar as far as story type is concerned - let me know what you think of Heavens Children if you can. It's not edited and not even finished yet - just looking at voice.

Kind Regards

Deborah

So much has already been commented on with this book but suffice it to say it is well written and my granddaughter told me to back it and I agree. Starred as well. Henry

This is a BHCG review - hope it's helpful, but it's just the opinion of one fellow (unpublished) writer, so feel free to take what's useful and discard the rest!

Pitch

Your short pitch is engaging, and by the first paragraph of the long pitch I knew I wanted to pick this up and have a flick through, as you would in a bookshop when you see something new and intriguing.

Pacing

Conventional wisdom is that you shouldn't start with description, but I loved your first paragraph - evocative and atmospheric. I needed some action next, though, to hook me into the story. Why are we there? What is happening? Maybe you could save this paragraph for later, or weave the details into later action/dialogue.

Characters

I feel empathy with Cindy. - that's one of the reasons your pitch drew me. She is a very believable teenager. I'd have liked to have know her age much sooner, though - when you talked about five or six year old children my assumption was that she was one of these ages.

Sentence level

There's the occasional missing comma but nothing too serious! Current fashion is not to vary attributions too much - he grumbled, she replied etc- but rather to have 'said' most of the time. I'm not sure how much I agree with this, but just flagging up that it might be what publishers are looking for. Also, sometimes you don't need an attribution at all. 'good, isn't it? The woman's eyes sparkled...'

Originality

The fairy tale angle definitely adds an original angle to the story of a teenager struggling to fit in - so it's great that you've got both believableness (if that's a word) and originality.

Publishability

I'm not a YA expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I think the pace needs to be a bit faster if this is the audience you're aiming for - backstory and description are certainly important but can be woven in later once the readers are hooked.

You have a good premise here and I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with it.

Claire

Down the Wooded Path.
By E.R. McKeon.

I had a feeling I would enjoy this book, the excellent description of the footpath leading to a cottage.
Vivid detail of the flowers…I could smell the scent and feel the quietness of the place.
Okay…it’s just a dream…It doesn’t matter, the writing is beautiful.
Then we have snippets such as the following:-
…walking Rosie back and forth in the small room while she waited for the bottle to warm up…
…Careful not to scrape the bottom and get any burned bits…
These are everyday things that link the reader to the story…holding them there.
I liked Cindy’s Grandmother, who put her stocking up at Christmas and left her teeth under her pillow for the tooth fairy.
We have the friendship between Cindy and Benny Gordon, even though she had lost her father in an accident with Benny’s dad, now in jail.
I found the book heavily narrated but without it, I think it wouldn’t be the same interesting read as it is now.
The voice of Cindy comes across just right in my opinion.
Lovely cover…The sense of urgency within the short pitch will entice the reader into opening the book.
They won’t be sorry, I can tell you… Well done!!
Highly star-rated.

Thank you for backing my book.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Hi. This is a BHG crit.

Pitches: The short pitch works - it's intriguing and makes the reader curious to know why time might be short.
Long pitch works ok for me too, though I wasn't entirely sure it confirmed what I found after reading it.

You say that it is literary fiction, but the tone by the end, (and perhaps the length and the way it wrapped up, put me more in mind of YA, or general fiction/fantasy.

The first chapter I found incredibly long. I might have preferred a shorter one there and some of the later stages turned into chapters of their own. I quite liked the lead in with description, but perhaps it could be a little shorter? I was trying to orient myself with where we were and who with, and was a little disappointed to find it was a 'dream' as they can get overused in books.

It was curious to wonder whether the grandmother was a fantasist, or was there some real magic going on?
Especially when we later learn that her mum checks in on her sleeping and might worry if she's not there.

I liked the switches between the fantasy woodland setting and the grimmer reality of her actual situation. I did wonder at this point how old the girl was, something I needed to know as I kept switching images of her. Was she very young? (the ducky t-shirt) but if so, her language didn't fit. Her 'couple of hours' at school - too short surely for an older child. I was relieved when I was told she was a teen and could feel more as though I knew her.

Dialogue: I found this natual and easy, and varied to each character. I would have liked some variety in pace or tone in it however.

Characters: Likeable Cinderella and the big fella. Had their own ways and were sympathetic.

Pace: I did find that I wanted some pace change. The action tends to continue on at much the same level. Perhaps some variation would be good - some sudden action, some burst of excitement to raise the line up or down from the normal. Change of sentence length etc. to vary.

Overall I enjoyed it, though I was a little 'disappointed' to find the promising fantasy a little swamped by what seemed to become a teen romance angle. I felt there was more that could have been made of the slipping worlds and the characters moving within them. I felt a little unsure again of what it was - fantasy? YA romance? and wondered if it fell a little between two stools.

This sounds negative looking back, but its not. Its a good, promising read which I enjoyed. You write engagingly. I just think if you check a couple of things out - that I notice others have mentioned also, and perhaps added some length to it, it would become a really great read.
Cariad.

Down The Wooded Path Emily Rebecca


Hi Emily, here’s my Alliance of Worldbuilders crit. The normal rubbish, if you don’t like bits of it just burn them on a bonfire, then throw me on afterwards, etc.

I liked your pitches. There, I’ve said it, I can’t remember saying that for a while. Although I would cut the last sentence of the first para. of the long pitch, as I think you don’t need it.

Then we cut into the work, after a prologue. There are mixed feelings about prologues on here, and you are going to get a few who suggest that you just call this chapter 1 as you run straight into the narrative after it. Worth a thought.

You’ve done this before, too. Immediately, the lush narrative sets a tone and a mood. Your characters are natural and believable, and the dialogue flows easily from their interaction. But although the dialogue flowed, for my taste, the action didn’t. When you’ve no real action going on, then you’ve really got to stress the mystery, drama and fear. Fear is what I expected to be radiating off Cindy, but it wasn’t coming through strongly enough.

Whilst you mood and tone are lovely, the pace was very slow, and I started wondering what your Target Audience is. If it’s the teens, then you need to be careful with some words. Calling a cleaning task a bitch would be a no-no for some agents at once. And that age group are impatient for hard action these days, so you’d have to spice it up a lot. If the TA is older, where a slow burner can work very well, then a teenage MC is a bit young. Just something to muse on?

I got through to the end of chapter 4, but for me the pace was slow enough for me to start skipping bits. If you keep to the pace, then you have to strengthen the mystery , drama and incipient terror factor, for my taste.

A few niggles : you say Cindy’s mum sleeps whilst Cindy is out of the house for a couple of hours: how long is a school day? Her mother’s coat from Gran was mum’s last present. What? Did Cindy never buy her mum a present? If not, where’s the guilt, the angst about that?

I wonder, what is your final word count? Have you enough room to compact the opening, or fit in some real dread and mystery in the opening couple of pages to capture the reader and pull them in?

I did enjoy your writing style, and this could be lovely with just a little work.


Will

BHCG Review:

The first paragraph put me off a little. I realise you’re trying to set the scene but all the description just made it harder work to get into. I would suggest cutting it and starting with para two (if not later).

You have lots of long sentences which make for a slow, ponderous read. I would suggest varying line length and also paragraph length. This will give the story better rhythm and flow.

Also, masses of description ends up taking away from the picture you’re trying to paint. Things just end up getting convoluted. It’s usually a sign of an insecure writer when everything gets described to death. Selecting the one thing that nails a setting is more powerful and effective.

So, in the first section I can see the story, the idea of the ‘crazy’ gran and the mother crying for unknown reasons is intriguing, but I had to dig for it under all the verbiage you buried it under.

By the way, Benny works at his uncle’s diary farm? I assume he get all the muscles from turning the pages.

Also it sounds weird to blame his dad for her mom’s self-induced isolation. It’s either self-induced or someone else is to blame, it can’t be both.

I think you over-explain the relationship between the two families. It’s certainly clear, but very drawn out. That continues into the school section. Her breakdown of what she explained to who and why is very longwinded. You don’t need to give a reasoned speech explaining why you can’t hit a teacher, I think you’re safe to assume people already know why.

I made it to the end of the first chapter, but it was hard work and I didn’t feel there was much incentive to keep reading. I think you’ve weighed down the narrative with excessive description and the pace of the plot is too slow for the kind of story you’re writing. The whole journey from waking up to dressing, breakfast, school, lunch, home and the two dreams are all uneventful and don’t contain any memorable scenes or moments of drama or tension. Even though things may well pick up in the next few chapters, the opening is just too unfocused at the moment, IMO.

DOWN THE WOODED PATH

a BHCG review

COVER: not sure if you know it but this is sort of a focus for me...and I'm afraid I don't think this one too successful. The image is okay although not incredibly appealing...muddy really for a wooded path image and the wealth of them out there...and the text is difficult to discern. The font isn't quite right either. Sorry! but i'd be really happy to help you out with a different cover should you like one. Please see my bio for the link if so. I'm not getting romance/fantasy/YA from this either...sorry, wish I had better things to say...marketing and all that.

TITLE: I like the title, not sure about it feeling YA/Romance...might be fantasy. but over all with the cover image I'm not feeling it for the genres selected. but on its own I think it has a good calm mysterious quality.

SHORT PITCH: hm, well...it doesn't make me want to read further...sorry again. How about some specific item from teh story that might pull me in to want to read the Long Pitch to see what you're on about?

LONG PITCH: Okay so I think this is better...and definitely has a fantasy/YA feel to it. Good!

TEXT: As pretty as that opening paragraph is...a whole paragraph devoted to atmosphere description without any action or hint at the story itself?

and then another long setting paragraph, sorry but my guess is you've lost your YA audience already...

the third paragraph has some good items in it...worth pursuing/shaping the opening with it possibly?

Wait what was a dream...talking to he Mom about her Grandmother? heh, sorry, I'm pretty sure you meant the earlier landscape description business but the way you've structured it, you could be talking about the paragraph before was a dream you woke up from. I hate to be one with heavy negative crit and I seriously only mean to be helpful (this being a BHCG review and all) but opening with a scene that turns out to be a dream...is incredibly cliched. I hate to admit it but before I learned about that, Bulb actually started with a dream as well....its not that you can't but if you do it needs to be highly original and incredibly important to the story and there not be another way you could convey the same info...etc.

Sorry, bit confusing...are the stars where you plan on breaking it into chapters? if so I recommend doing so, for reading here. But if I'm to believe this is an opening chapter...whoa nelly. heh. its long. heh.

I'm not sure but you might cut back on the Mom description and just give a general state/impression for a YA audience then come back later to give more about how and why she's like that...I think you'll want to get to some action sooner.

I like Benny and Cindy's relationship with him and I have my suspicions she'll be more than just friends with him in the end.

When she has the dream...again...you could at this point make it the first dream and have her instead talking about the wooded dreams in the opening chapter? just a thought...please excuse.

Its sweet and lovely that the grandmother will return in this fashion...and I'm sure its endearing when the mother/daughter/grandmother have their reunion in the wooded path fantasy land via dream or otherwise!

Best of luck with this Emily!
-=Bradley

Down the Wooded Path
Fiction, 1st person

Premise; a modern day teen has to cope with the aweful name of Cinderella. Her gran has died and dreams take over each night. But the reality might be more than she knows. Terrific premise for a YA story!

Character: The MC is very believable. Unhappily coping with the usual teen issues along with a detached mother and the aweful name.

Plot: The character drives this plot forward and the problem supports the plot well.

POV: Though 1st person is a difficult POV to maintain without falling into the "I trap" this author manages it well. In a few instances, the I might have been replaced. But overall, well done.

Pacing: Very relaxed. While it might be called "slow" by some, the style is relaxed, taking the reader into a clearly described world. Instead of being pushed along, the story invites cuddling up in an easy chair and drifting into a world where dreams are real. Nicely done.

Mechanics: I didn't notice much wrong. I would recommend breaking some of the longer paragraphs into smaller bites.

Market: I think there would be a good market for this type of book. It flits outside of the usual genre' of fantasy, but is solidly appealing.

Overall, a good read and well written. Very close to a publishable piece as it stands. 6* and holding for a space on my shelf

Raechel
Echo

BHCG review.
You got my attention straight away by your vivid settings and character portrayals. Even when it was initially and boringly a dream, i utterly believed in them and all that was happening to them. Cinderella is well named for someone who is destined to come of age or destiny within this novel. All of the scenes so far are easily visualised, the dialogue between the youngsters, the embarrassments, hopes and - yes - the dreams, for it is the divide between these and reality which drives the novel.

Not a long review, but I've said all I need. Well done. Lara
GOOD FOR HIM

This is actually really good! I just read the first chapter, but I'm coming back for more. I think it even deserves a place on my bookshelf, since it is a pleasure to read. I really don't have anything bad to say.

Cora

I simply love this story. The back and forth between the dreams and reality is awesome. I've read chapter 1 and I'll definitely be coming back for more.

All the best, Sana

Chapter 1 was a great start! Wow, what an original idea and I'll come back and read more. Everything was well written and I didn't see anything that you could change.

Susan
The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island

DOWN THE WOODED PATH / E.R. McKeon

It takes moving one's eyes from left to right about three or four times on this lady's work to see one most obvious detail. She can write. And I mean WRITE!

Here is another one of those lovely surprises I have discovered here on Authonomy. I have to keep telling myself that I don't read YA. I've been through this with Romance when I read Summer Rose, now this book has me gulping in YA? Man, what's happening to me?

Well, I'll tell you. Ms. McKeon is helping me grow here. I'm learning (and make no mistake about it, this characterization teaches) how to build characters. Cinderella is told from first person, which I consider "dangerous" and is done well. I say dangerous because as a rule it contributes to narrative heavy wording, restricts the character's showing ability (usually) and frankly, tends to bore me. This author has somehow taken these things that usually spell bad read for me and made me forget it just a few words in. By the end of the first chapter I know this MC. Not only that but I feel this young girl's plight.

The author spread her "backstory" out carefully, obviously aware of the risk in bogging down her already heavy narrative. Clever word usage, thrifty flow and a GREAT plot get the story moving along nicely. You can't stop after the first chapter here. She picks the perfect spot to cut-off, insisting you turn the page and read into 2. Very nice.

The story is about a young girl who as a result of some unique events (the loss of her father, a crush she has on her neighbor, her name being Cinderella and a challenging financial situation the family faces) is confronted with self-discovery and a situation involving her tired mother who shows the ill-effects of the death of her husband. She begins having dreams. That's all I'm telling.

The story is set up well. The character's thoughts articulated in a way that is most believable so whatever fantasy comes will be engaging to follow. Punctuation is perfect, polished is the manuscript and top-noth is the flow.

Well done to this author. 6 stars because it is publishable RIGHT NOW! I've actually w-listed this book with thoughts that I may have to move into the "backing" line. (I've never backed a YA story before)

I plan to direct YA writers to this book as I think it will benefit them to read it. Frankly, everyone may want to read it. I'll bet this too. This story is going to the desk, if, it can survive the agent hawks that trawl the site. Watch and see.

I love the pitch! Do you have a book cover for it? That would help it to grab attention. There's a guy on this site who does them for free and has done quite a lot of really ace covers for many people. I THINK his name is Bradley Wind, maybe check him out :-)

Just my personal tastes but I wasn't particularly captivated by the opening paragraph as it read more like a weather report rather than enticing me or drawing me into a particular person or place. That said, I really like your style and the tone of voice. I love the paragraph about childhood stories, especially the line 'They were stories of simplicity, innocence, love, and, above all, nonsense.'

Her grandmother sounds amazing!

I love the blend of down-to-earth tough reality and the hint of wonder that is soon to come. I feel I will have to return to this later!!

Aw this is a gorgeous tale! Far more complicated, engaging and heart warming from the Cinderella story everyone knows...more real to life too, which makes for a more believable, easy read.
Benny is such a sweet heart! All those things he did for Cinderella for the ball just to make her feel how she deserved to, thats jst so sweet.

You have a great way with words, your style is so engaging that I found myself drawn in from the get go and couldn't stop reading until I was finished...no story has captivated my attention like this for a long, long time!

Yours will be the first book I back next month.....(put up more, I wan't to know what happens, I wan't to know what evil/bad thing is going to happen!!!!!!! Please?!)

Bron
The Endless Awakening

Hope you come back to finish it! I tried to message you to thank you, but you have a filter up. So --- thank you for your comments and I'm very happy that you enjoyed it so far. :-)

Aw this is a gorgeous tale! Far more complicated, engaging and heart warming from the Cinderella story everyone knows...more real to life too, which makes for a more believable, easy read.
Benny is such a sweet heart! All those things he did for Cinderella for the ball just to make her feel how she deserved to, thats jst so sweet.

You have a great way with words, your style is so engaging that I found myself drawn in from the get go and couldn't stop reading until I was finished...no story has captivated my attention like this for a long, long time!

Aw, thats so sad!! I just finished reading it and I have to say that is a great ending, but it is so very tragic!

It was such a beautiful, perfect night, and yet, at the close of such a wonderful evening, that something so terrible could happen to shatter her illussion of happiness is sad...but I guess in reality, that is a true fairy tale. She gets her prince, but there is always a cost, and in this case, the cost was one she loved dearly...

I think the sadest thing about it, was not that the night was overshadowed by the trasgedy, but that not only will she remeber that night for the fairy tale it was, or the princess she got to be, but for the loss of her life as she knew it, the loss of the one she loved and never told enough, it got me thinking, this chapter.
In the future, when she speaks to her Hansel and Gretal about her mum, will she speak of that night with happiness for the start of her fairytale? or with regret, for loss of one so dear, and the chance she missed out on of spending the last night with her when she asked for favour of a ball?
To get a true fairytale, something must be sacrificed...unfortunately, that is the truth of life...

Great ending, I like how, unlike her mother, she told her daughter to walk freely upon that path to the cottage and not be afraid of what lied within, her mother was only doing what she thought was best for Cindy, but I wonder if at the time she made them and at the time the tragic incidents came into play, if maybe Cindy resented her for not being warned and for not having had the chance to say goodbye.

Excellent story, excellent ending...truly brilliant:)

Bron
The Endless Awakening

this is a good book. after only a brief read l can tell. your basic story is interesting and you have distinct writing style that makes your novel all the more enjoyable...this is on my watchlist for now, but l can only give you 6 stars******
read SEASONS...