Down the Rabbithole

Well. I started this and noted that the pitch was really intriguing and drew me in to read it.

I started off and at first it read rather like a fairly normal 'school' based thing, with the characters etc. but still enjoyable with the right themes to attract and keep your target audience. Liked her, like him - a jerk so far but still, that love-to-hate guy that's always around.

By the time I got to chapter 3 I was totally sold. Chapter three is wonderul. The whole thing with the fae and the curse and the hounds, and the changing eyes was something different and I love the whole theme of that.
Pacey, visual and has lots of twists. Will shelve this shortly.
One tiny thing- do you have a tense change thing going on in chapter one? -
'I rentED... and intendED to stay here (there?) as long as I have (had?)

Didn't find anything else. Just loved it.
Cariad.

I love new tellings of old classics and this one feels fresh and modern! You've got an awesome main character in Alis, I think she's one that girls can look to and get some inspiration from. The voice is great, love the sarcasm and pacing. Your descriptions are spot on and I saw this in my head so vividly. I think it's perfect for your market genre and hell, I'd even have to have a copy. It's a darker twist but I love it when things go that way. I love the chemistry with her and Derrick, who I'm sure is more than meets the eye. Enjoyed this very much, the most in a while ;)

Stars for now and will get it shelved as soon as I can for a while. This book deserves some recognition
Missy

Hi Sarah,

Love it! What a great retelling of a classic story - and I must admit, I was a teensy bit dubious because Alice in Wonderland was one of my childhood favourites - but you've done an excellent job. I love all the little references to the original too, like the Chemist's cat being called Dinah; I hope there are more of those throughout the book! Alis is a great don't-fuck-with-me character, but she still has the good sense to be scared in strange situations, which makes her a lot more believeable. And the thing with eyes is well intriguing - that dog's not Derrick's sister, is it?!

Great read, happy to back it, Maria.

I think I like this version of Alice in Wonderland better than the original!
Alis is one spunky gal! What balls! A protagonist that isn't afraid to kick but is a nice change from the simpering fools that are normally cast as the lead females, and I think you have managed to nail the kick ass attitude perfectly!
Derrick is an interesting character, though he gives an explanation about himself and the connection with the dog in the opening chapters, I can't quite shake the feeling that he may be hiding something more....and that there is more to the story of his father than meets the eye...

The storyline so far is great, snide commentary, sarcasm and ballsey action make for one killer story, it has just the right amount of the Original for the reader to know the general idea of things...but then you add your own twist to things which completely shakes the story up...Love it.

Hope you post more chapters up soon, I'm really enjoying this.

Bron
The Endless Awakening

Hi Sarah,
Just read the first three chapters of this (which is more than I usually read) and I loved it. Alis is such a well developed character. She comes off as a really tough chick, sometimes a little stereotypical but she actually has a soft spot. I liked the whole high school in the beginning but it's when she gets kidnapped to Derrick's house when I was really hooked to this. The whole dog/eye thing is really interesting. I know this is based on Lewis Caroll's version of Alice so I'm not exactly familiar with the story line. I know you're a pro so I'm definitely not qualified to critique your writing lol.

Worth six stars :)
Best of luck!

I will rate it high, i like this, i liked the writing, short, active, and to the point, the author gives me enough for me to willing suspend my disbelief and follow these characters into the mountain, i read about eight chapters, the first person narratives works well, utilizing alis' troubled background to set up the story and her connection with derrick, knowing that parralells will be drawn to other fantasies, e.g. alice in wonderland, the author uses the character's own ironic awareness to draw parrallels and play to the reader's speculation, though perhaps it is not so necessary to reflect so much on the fantasy itself, since i have seen recently my share of fairies and fantasy realms i am not so attracted, but still i think this story leads one on readily, i will keep it on my watch list, may finish what is here later, wish you the best of luck

I came back for more! I'm up to chapter 5. It's a great read!

Donna

Back to give your great book a spin on my shelf :)

Raquel.
Foxblood.

XX

Read part of your book and it is done well. It has a lot of style.
Just some friendly advise, but I think if you left the swear words out it would be better. You really don't need them! :)
Otherwise I think your book has a lot of style.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

"I started smoking my dad's cigarettes the night they didn't come home." - This should be your first sentence. What comes before it can be summed up in a single sentence. This is a powerful line.

You captured my attention right off! She disliked things most kids love (lunch time!) I am going to read as much as you have, and hope to find it in the bookstores soon! Great writing skills, you drew me in, and kept me in. I am putting you on my watchlist, and will graduate you to my bookshelf when I can. I also gave you a #6. Great job!

Sincerely,

D. S. Hale

Well. I started this and noted that the pitch was really intriguing and drew me in to read it.

I started off and at first it read rather like a fairly normal 'school' based thing, with the characters etc. but still enjoyable with the right themes to attract and keep your target audience. Liked her, like him - a jerk so far but still, that love-to-hate guy that's always around.

By the time I got to chapter 3 I was totally sold. Chapter three is wonderul. The whole thing with the fae and the curse and the hounds, and the changing eyes was something different and I love the whole theme of that.
Pacey, visual and has lots of twists. Will shelve this shortly.
One tiny thing- do you have a tense change thing going on in chapter one? -
'I rentED... and intendED to stay here (there?) as long as I have (had?)

Didn't find anything else. Just loved it.
Cariad.

I have only read through the first chapter. The story reads well and has me hooked. A few minor problems, though. I think in the first paragraph 'principle' should be 'principal'. Also, I got a little hung-up on the lengthy sentence describing Derek's hair. Also, the part about 'coordination playing the drums.' didn't make sense to me. I found the little bits from the original Alice in Wonderland interesting and am curious to see how it plays into the plot. Good Job!

good idea, carefully written; narrative and dialogue marry well together...
on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

I'm finding it hard to comment on books I like. Sorry. It was a delight to read this after some of the garbage I have been reading here.

Very great book Sarah!

Please take a look at mine as well and let me know what you think! http://www.authonomy.com/books/39033/awaken-the-financial-genius-in-you/

Warmest regards,

Tonny.

Hi, Sarah... Your book interested me from the title. I'm no critic, just a reader who writes. I read two chapters last night and stayed interested. Your work is concise and left me as a reader curious and interested in what's coming next. I just joined this community and picked your book because I SAW IT on the home page. It had a better beginning than the other books. ( I read one page, put it down, read another first page, put it down, and repeated this action until I read yours, which I am enjoying.) You were number five, I hope this is not indicative of a shallow talent pool, but either way, I wish you well.

DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE
What a clever idea for a story: a remake of Alice in Wonderland. I love your writing style. It’s just right for a preteen or teen audience. The feistiness of your main character makes her appealing. Dialogue is crisp and easy to follow. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wannabeawriter. Who Killed the President?

The fresh and dramitic writing makes this a page-turner. My father's favourite book was Alice in Wonderland. I think I was hooked when the 'jerk', Derrick, enigmatically tells Alis, in only his third and parting sentence, "Tell the caterpillar, hi from me."
I admit I'm very picky, so although I only read the first chapter, I did find a handful of sentences that I would have liked to tweak. I'm also not sure that using the word 'fucking' in a story for youngsters is wise. But I liked this book a lot and I am very happy to back it.

David

Haha – love the opening!
In New Zealand we spell it principal – the way you have it spelt means something altogether different.
‘eating my chicken salad peaceful while reading another stupid paperback’ – ‘peacefully’ would read better.
Not sure if guys ‘cackle’? although I love the word personally (makes me think of witches) I don’t know if it suits the character.
Wow – chapter two is fantastic.
A great new take on the story that’s for sure. Dark and compelling. I like it.
Highly starred :-)
Tammy Robinson

I love new tellings of old classics and this one feels fresh and modern! You've got an awesome main character in Alis, I think she's one that girls can look to and get some inspiration from. The voice is great, love the sarcasm and pacing. Your descriptions are spot on and I saw this in my head so vividly. I think it's perfect for your market genre and hell, I'd even have to have a copy. It's a darker twist but I love it when things go that way. I love the chemistry with her and Derrick, who I'm sure is more than meets the eye. Enjoyed this very much, the most in a while ;)

Stars for now and will get it shelved as soon as I can for a while. This book deserves some recognition
Missy

Sarah,
I love how you've taken a classic fairy tale and put your own twist on the story. I read the opening paragraphs and it seemed to be narrated by a troubled teenager with whom young adult readers could identify. While it's a fantastic account, the narrative is believable as your main character's thoughts and feelings about realistic situations are conveyed well to the reader who will eventually journey to another world with some strange and unusual twists to the enthralling plot.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Sarah

As promised, a return read. Sometimes I write huge long comments with lots of suggestions and recommendations. I don't have very much to say here because this is generally very well done, indeed. Good writing, good characterization, and excellent dialogue. My only problem, personally, with Down The Rabbithole is that I don't know enough about the original to be able to recognise anything other than the most obvious references. What I do recognise though is strong, disciplined writing.

Good work :)

Evie

Great beginning to the story. True: a bad day at school can cause you to feel depressed or sick. I loved her from the start. Everything she did made sense and you didn't have to explain it. You could easily figure out why she started smoking, why the way she thinks the way she does.

Nice ending to the first chapter. Just simple things like how Alis saw that his eyes were different colors. Things like that intrigue people. Well, it did for me.

LOVE the title. What an interesting read so far. I watch listing you until I can come back and give you the more in depth read you deserve. Keep it up and you'll be at the editor's desk in no time!

Ashley
Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

LOVE the title. What an interesting read so far. I watch listing you until I can come back and give you the more in depth read you deserve. Keep it up and you'll be at the editor's desk in no time!

Ashley
Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

:-) I read and liked the first couple of chapters- you have a great voice! I love how fast paced and mysterious the story is- very interested to see how it compares to the original.

HI Sarah! I'm here to read Down the Rabbithole.
Hmmm... your first line! OK, there's a typo - change "at" to "a"
However, Did the word "school" really have the power to make you throw up? And if you did throw up, would you only throw up "a little", or chuck everything up?!!
I would suggest a change like: School? The word made me want to throw up.
Going on from there, the story is excellent. However, would a school kid really rent an apartment on their own? wow. (I wish my kids would do that haha)
I love mr unattainable. I think I've met him before!! lol
The dialog is great. I would put thoughts in italics. I have done that in my book The Multiple Choice if you want to see what I mean.
The storyline and plot are really great - love the idea.
Thanks heaps for sharing this with us Sarah. Best wishes for your success!! I have rated you highly.
One of my favourite movies is Ever After, and your story kind of reminded me of it.
Monicque.
x

This is a well-written novel for young adults. Alis is a strong lead character, a lovable underdog. You get to the conflicts and challenges quickly. The dialog is good. There are a few improvements you could make, but it's close to being ready.

Use hyphens: “The car crash that changed my ten-year-old life…”

Missing word: “Remember when I could I could tell A jerk when I saw ONE?”

Is Alis attractive? Or does she consider herself attractive? Does she usually get a lot of attention from boys like Mr. Unattainable?

Is she under 18? If so, the state would probably make sure she had a guardian. Of course, the state could be lax in its enforcement.

I like how she suddenly realizes she could be in danger when she’s in the car with Derrick. You might want to ramp up her fear a little. Say, have her worry that a sudden movement by him is a move to get a weapon or hit her. Always remember: capitalize on tense moments.

Try to describe some of the personal items in the house to show personality: photos, art, posters, etc. The Hello Kitty sheets are a good touch. You do a good job at describing clothes and furniture.

Include more of Alis' specific memories of her family trauma, but do it in key situations. When she faces a challenge and is afraid, have her reflect back on her past.

Nice ending to chapter 2. The mystery and sudden change in Derrick’s personality is a good reason to read on.

I like this one and I'll back it.

Brian
Mute

Alis is a great character in this. With an unhappy, chaotic background following the loss of her parents she is feisty and singleminded, but willing to share her vulnerability with the reader so the writing is very intimate. Not a close retelling of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, at least on the basis of the first 4 chapters. No playing with logic, literary nonsense or anthropomorphic characters, yet, at least and Alis has had to be kidnapped by Derrick (' Derek' in the pitch for some reason) to be taken down the rabbithole. He is also a strong character, misjudged as a jerk, by Alis initially. I loved the 'no-one has ever needed her for anything line.' His recognition of her toughness is the unwritten reason why he 'kidnaps' her to help in his quest to save his dad and lift a family curse. This is a fantasy adventure with 2 great leads and a love/hate, quarreling / kissing, complex relationship between this pair which jumps off the page and is a huge strength of the narrative. I am looking forward to reading on when I have more time.

only read the first chapter so far and I'm loving the narrative. There's definitely more to the Derrick the jerk, with his one blue and one green eyes. Applause for grabbing my attention!

I've read a couple of chapters (well, more than a couple) and have enjoyed this. Looking forward to reading more.

A well written and interesting story. This one should do well. Six stars and backed.
Raquel. x.

I really like this :)

Well written and backed!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Hey Sarah, like the others, I wasn't sure about this after reading the title and the tags...but the pitch has a good hook and think it worked for you. The first chapter is well written and love the tone of your voice..it's very initmate and a close read. Looking forward to reading more!

Cheers,
Dwayne

Enjoyed this - welldone backed

Hi Sarah,

Love it! What a great retelling of a classic story - and I must admit, I was a teensy bit dubious because Alice in Wonderland was one of my childhood favourites - but you've done an excellent job. I love all the little references to the original too, like the Chemist's cat being called Dinah; I hope there are more of those throughout the book! Alis is a great don't-fuck-with-me character, but she still has the good sense to be scared in strange situations, which makes her a lot more believeable. And the thing with eyes is well intriguing - that dog's not Derrick's sister, is it?!

Great read, happy to back it, Maria.

I think I like this version of Alice in Wonderland better than the original!
Alis is one spunky gal! What balls! A protagonist that isn't afraid to kick but is a nice change from the simpering fools that are normally cast as the lead females, and I think you have managed to nail the kick ass attitude perfectly!
Derrick is an interesting character, though he gives an explanation about himself and the connection with the dog in the opening chapters, I can't quite shake the feeling that he may be hiding something more....and that there is more to the story of his father than meets the eye...

The storyline so far is great, snide commentary, sarcasm and ballsey action make for one killer story, it has just the right amount of the Original for the reader to know the general idea of things...but then you add your own twist to things which completely shakes the story up...Love it.

Hope you post more chapters up soon, I'm really enjoying this.

Bron
The Endless Awakening