A Gift in the Shape of a Tree

this grew and grew on me.
suprised it's not gained a mucher higher rank.
original and charming where the voice of the narrator flows smoothly and interestingly.
shelved-TJ

Hi,

Weird and wonderful and on my shelf.

Beautiful writing and a strangeness that is acceptable amongst the realness of the relationships and emotions so perfectly expressed.

Good luck
Kat
DFYLP

itzy, read the opening chapters and this is wonderful. writing is polished, the characters real, the story captivating. the "magic" is so natural and understated that it becomes instantly believable. Rainbow is an engaging character right from the start. I'm shelving this now, and will come back to it later when I have time to read and wallow in in a little more. I think I saw that you signed onto the literary fiction critique group, so I'll definitely give you more time and feedback then. But for now, just wanted to say this is beautifully done, and reads very smoothly.

Hi Teresa,

May I say, what a wonderful story and I can't wait to read the rest. I felt myself connecting to the characters and embracing the storyline with enthusiasm as I became enthralled with the fabric of the manuscript. Which might I add, had me in floods of tears at certain points, especially Rainbow's accident and the outcome.

Your representation of the subject matter and the connection to trees gives such vivid pictures in the minds eye, only achieved by one who's writing skills excell. You are truly a fabulous author. I don't feel the need to say good luck as I believe your abilities will get you published. Kind regards! ArtyFarty

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Hi Teresa. Fantastic mood. Beautiful spiritual teachings. A great awakening of man's interaction with nature. Your descriptions are inspire an appreciation for life. Her mother is intriguing. You have an unique story with a strong lesson. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie

SPOILER ALERT!!!! Please do not read unless you have read whole excerpt.

Hello Itzy, I agree with Hereward and Dan and about a million people in saying that your prose is beautiful, and unusual. I love the characters, especially the scary mom and Michael. The 'gift' is described in a wonderfully hallucinogenic way ... I enjoyed myself the whole time, reading this. On my guest shelf.

My feeling is that this already interesting story could be improved enormously with some plot changes; it's rather unfair to say this, given that I have not read the whole book!!--so I'll just tell you the parts that I believe could be improved, and if there's some explanation for this stuff later, you'll at least know how one reader feels by the end of Ch. 11. There are two main difficulties, I think. One problem for me is the accident itself. The idea that the car containing Michael would be right underneath the tree was way too much of a coincidence for me, even given the other supernatural elements of the story. The second problem, for me, is Michael himself. I felt this strong, almost too strong subtext that Michael is Rainbow's natural father. If so--as seemed so very obvious--I couldn't think why he wouldn't say so straightaway, knowing what kind of a character Mama is. The contrast between the selfish Mum-'n'-Bob and the totally unselfish, giving, thoughtful Michael was almost too stark, I thought. So I was really relieved when Mum had a little tenderness to spare for her injured daughter. In a literary novel especially, I particularly enjoy it when the author takes some time to fill out the characters with realistic complexities like this. It would serve the narrative a lot, also, if we were to know some of the things Rainbow personally loves about her mother ... we know the stuff she can't stand, but there don't seem to be any personal in-jokes or other means by which this apparently enchanting woman also enchants her own daughter. My own mom was a performer of just this 'enchanting' type and, while I really identified with Rainbow's kind of eye-rolling impatience with the whole business of 'enchantment,' there's no doubt but that up to a point at least, I also could be wrapped round that little finger once in a while.

Very best of luck with this lovely book, Itzy. All the best, Maria.

I only read chapter one and I think its beautiful, you write trully well,
Raunbow is a cute name for a charecter, good choice,

Good luck,
Kimmy

Teresa - thanks for tellingl me you'd uploaded more - I've just re-read all and continue to admire your fluency and the realism of both R's worlds.

Hi Theresa,

I finished reading to the end of what you have here and wanted to put down some comments for you. I'd just like to mention that I don't read alot of literary fiction so I don't have a real 'critique' of the work, but want to tell you my thoughts on it.

First I want to start with saying that I enjoyed the book ALOT. This isn't something I would normally read or by, but I loved it. I thought the language was colorful, images vibrant, and for the most part the writing very tight.

I sympathized with Rainbow and felt for her plight with her mother and longing for her father. Her life is so different from my own upbringing, it did take me about a chapter to feel at ease with the characters.
The prologue I thought worked really good. It made the reader (me) feel like I wasn't quite sure what was going on and I know sometimes people don't like that, but if you do it on design, I think it can be a great opening. Shake the reader up a bit and try to get them to figure out what is going on. As long as it doesn't go on too long, I think most readers will see it through to the end.

The characters I love the most are Rainbow and Michael. The more time I spent with Rainbow the more I felt like she was a real person and someone I could empathize with. The story and characters took me to about Chapter Three to really get, but once that happened I was totally enthralled with them. Then I had to force myself to slow down and not speed read through everything else just to find out what happened.

I found a few spots where I had to stop reading and go back because a sentence was structured in a way that I wasn't sure what happened. This though let up after the story really got rolling. I'm not sure if that's because it was an isolated incident or if my brain was so into the story I just didn't notice anymore! I did manage to take one example:

She heard his feet scrunch back up the drive, and hugged her tree.

It may be just me, but when I first read it, I thought the man did the hug and not Rainbow. A simple verb change or reorder of events, I think would clear something like that up real easily.

I really felt for Rainbow, especially with the Mum and Bob situation. Her sitting in her room with her ears clamped brought back alot of memories for me and I thought you captured that really well! Several places I think you captured perfectly the voice of the young girl and the things she said made me chuckle out loud.

When the 'accident' occured, I thought it was extremely tight, so good job, and it was intense. I loved every second! And then the big reveal in the hospital room on what transpired nearly broke my heart! I felt so bad for Rainbow.

The switching back and forth later between Rainbow and Mary was a little jarring, but I think this is almost necessary. I at least can't think of any suggestions on how to make it better. I guess it will be up to you to decide if that's what you want.

I did notice that in the Mary sections (at least two that I counted) that the tense of the story reverted to Present Tense rather than Past. It jarred me at first and then I decided it was okay and I was able to coninue reading on. That might be something that is more common in literary fiction than I am used to and it didn't last that long. I do know that when I pick up a piece of Genre fiction and notice it's present tense, I tend to put it back down. But again, the part where this happens was so short, and so far into the novel, I think most people will forgive it.

Now I am kind of left hanging wondering about the secret between Becky and Jasmine, and how the book was going to end! If there was more on Authonomy I would definately read the rest. The cast of characters and story was colorful.

Great work with it. I enjoyed it immensely! I'll be sticking you on my shelf for a little while. Sorry if this is too long and kudos if you've made it this far!

this grew and grew on me.
suprised it's not gained a mucher higher rank.
original and charming where the voice of the narrator flows smoothly and interestingly.
shelved-TJ

Dear Teresa,

Have been reading A Gift in the Shape of a Tree. With a lot of smiling at what is going on there, your work is on my bookshelf.

My comment is going to be not so much about your manuscript but about the strange things that happen with writing.

You write more formally than I do. Just as slow and with lots of commas. People moan at me about my commas. But I read slowly and I need the pauses. My wife reads twice as fast and my daughter, four times faster. Reads her text books once. Everything implanted in her brain. Then writes her exams and gets 100%. Drives me berserk.

I edit much tighter than you do, deleting 20% to 50% of my previous draft. Adjectives go flying. And my final presentation to the reader is bare bones and rough. Yours is smooth and full. Nice work. I liked it.

Your choice of words often took me by surprise and I smiled. Level headed presentation to your reader. Mine comes out like an emotional crisis. So I mustn’t touch yours.

I see you work with a writing group. I am an anti-social maverick. No education beyond farm school. I don’t even know what point of view means. When I registered, I saw the words avatar and protagonist for the first time and had to look them up in the dikshunry.

But I have been published in UK and Commonwealth and am trying again. I have my work with an agent right now. Didn’t even give them a sales spiel. Told them to take it or leave it. Hee, hee.

I see you have 20,000 words down. You must finish this. All 80,000 words, whatever.
Then a funny thing happens. Synchronicity. Read what Karl Jung had to say about that. He invented the word.

Solutions to problems you haven’t yet solved, or dark thoughts about the story not being quite right, reveal themselves to you.

Chapters in the latter part of the manuscript appeal to you for earlier presentation. Sometimes, a later chapter becomes the first chapter and then the whole story takes on a new appearance. Your protagonist takes on a new character and even speaks differently. I sometimes can’t control it. I start living inside the novel. The characters tell me how they want to be written.

It’s exhilarating. A flurry of alterations, editing and re-write, moulds the story line. Or anyway, that happens to me. I’m woken at 0300 a m. with solutions to problems I’ve been stewing over for weeks or months.

That may be a strange comment. But valid.

Go well with your work.

Kind regards,

Pierre.

I think you should start with the mother telling Rainbow about the legend and then shortly after that have Rainbow discover her magic hands. --- Start where the story begins! Start with the first event that will move the story forward. We (as writers) tend to want to explain how or why the event happened instead of plunging right in!

There are many, many books on this site that begin with a dream sequence. I can see why editors don't like them...they are just overused, I believe (I had one in a book of mine also, so you are not alone). Also, there were many people in the dream and it confused me a bit.

Be careful not to sound to "preachy"...if you love nature and have a cause, present it subtly in your work and not have it shoved in the readers face. Teach your reader without preaching. Don't know if I explained this well, but hope you understand.

I kept waiting for something to happen that would move me forward into the story of the "magic hands'...I didn't see the significants of the man in the haunted house talking about art....maybe this will come together later? or maybe I am just being dense as I am so tired from taking care of my mother the last few days!

Janet

Hi Janet,
Thanks for reading my work so quickly, and for the encouraging comments - and don't worry about the lost parts. It's so frustrating when that happens, isn't it?

Your comment about the structure was interesting - I actually changed the prologue, which used to start with Jasmine telling her daughter about the Amrita legend. Then, in Ch1 Rainbow discovered her magic hands. However, it felt too slow and I didn't think there was enough to keep the reader reading on without some reference to the death and the coma. However, I'm not 100% happy with this prologue, for the very reasons you've given. The parallel lives premise is so complicated that I wanted to ease into it...if you read to Ch9 you'll understand why...

About Michael (the man in the haunted house) - of course this conversation about art is important - otherwise it wouldn't be there!!! However, you'll have to read to the end of the book to see why.

Thanks very much,
Teresa

Itzy - Good story - excellent interweaving of the unusual and magical with the everyday realities of Coke, tomatoes and teenage conversation - in the background the mystery of secrets. Your pitch shows mystery deepens - I'd like more of your book!
Will shelve soon.

Good story - excellent interweaving of the unusual and magical with the everyday realities of Coke, tomatoes and teenage conversation - in the background the mystery of secrets. Your pitch shows mystery deepens - I'd like more of your book!

Hi, i'm really enjoying this. I've read the first 2 chapters and don't have time to read on right now, but i want to, which is a definite vote of confidence! I took a few notes as i read:

The idea of the parallel plot is very intriguing.
'Mum didn't have a teddy, so she obviously had to make do with trees.' - loved this line!
Four year old? This came as a surprise, i thought she must be older to remember so clearly.
Hmm, i can't see all the category tags. Is this young adult? Not sure i like the reference to a Ouiji board in a young adult book.

Chapter 2
Jasmin – i assume that's her mother. Becky? Who's this? Thinking about it, is it a daughter of Fraser? I was assuming he was rather younger than that...
OK, i get it now, she's in need of a father figure...
'a branch rippling response and giggling' – love this
'Mum-and-Bob' – effective expression
'It was real. It was fun.' - seem to be some extra spaces here.
Um, are there no squirrels here? I recall when i left chocolate in a tree house, even in a solid plastic container, they chewed right through and ate it. Of course, i don't know how long she's leaving it there for...

Generally speaking i found this novel and innovative. It has some similarities to Anne Salote's 'Tree Talk' which i think i might have mentioned to you? But they both stand alone in their own right, if that makes any sense... The pace is good, and the characters. I wouldn't worry about what i was saying about 'Becky' - it's one of the drawbacks of taking notes as one reads rather than afterwards when everything has become clear!

I'm backing it, anyway. I can't promise to read more immediately, but i'll be back when i can.

Teresa,

I hope you find these comments helpful. They are, but one reader's humble opinion. Feel free to ignore them, or print them out and burn them. But I only write them in the hope of improving your novel -- with the ultimate goal of publication.

I apologize: this was the first book I added to my waitlist when I joined back in November. For some terrible reason I've overlooked your manuscript every time I logged on since then. I am truly sorry: this is beautiful work.

I started your prologue and before I knew it, I had crept through to chapter 7. I didn't stop to make a single comment, not once. Your work is professional, and I honestly cannot, and dare not, suggest a single edit. So often when I think a manuscript is ready for the great wide world I find myself at a loss for comments. I don't have any. While your prologue may give some readers pause, I am on board with it. I like dreamy prologues that exist somewhere between the conscious and subconscious, prologues filled with subtext. It's fantastic prose.
Rainbow is a protagonist I care about. I like her. I want to continue on this literary journey with her. And I want to continue with your manuscript.
Cheers,
Jason

Hi Teresa. Gift is a strong novel, different and alluring. You capture the thoughts and emotions of a young girl very well, her actions and reactions are entirely believable. I also loved the part where she discovers her magic hands and her concern for the tree's pain was endearing. Some of your phrasing is masterful - 'excited dread' was one that particularly stuck out for me. I also liked the vague sense of suspense created by Michael's appearance; his reaction to her name got me wondering, of course, whether he could be her father.
Now for some more specific comments.
I found the prologue slightly confusing until it got going. In the first sentence, 'swimming' and 'spinning' jarred the flow.
'silent offer for comfort'...shouldn't that be *of*?
'Her pointed face'...didn't quite understand that one.
'closed kohl dark eyes shut out Rainbow'...why not 'shut Rainbow out?'
In ch 1, 'Rainbow wriggled the last few metres'...you might want to start it 'On her belly, Rainbow wriggled..' because as it stands it sounds as if the grass is growing on her belly!
'Freezing her legs'...keeping her legs still?
'An ant trotted..' well they don't, really. Scuttled?
There was a lot of info dumping in ch 1 and it all felt very slow. I was also confused as to where we were, your references to kohl, dragons and Buddha made me think we were in India, but ch 2 sounds more like Britain?
Ch 2 was much better, pacier, more interesting, less info dumping.
On the whole, very enjoyable and with enough interest to keep a reader hooked. I'm shelving!
Cas.

Hi Teresa! I read Shape of a Tree yesterday and have been mulling it over ever since. I found the book engrossing and beautiful, with a strong sense of simultaneous pain and hope that gives the story an urgency that I wouldn't necessarily expect to find in something so heavily character-driven. Both the magic and the realism came through as intensely believable and interesting to me -- which I should note is a rare event for me in magic realism! Generally I find one or the other lacking (for my personal taste), which often puts me off the style -- but when it's done right, as it is here (through chapter 9), it is absolutely superb.

Rainbow is both young and old for her age, which is pitch-perfect for a rather neglected, intelligent, and strange child. Her mother's thoughtless narcissism and self-indulgence VERY EFFECTIVELY got under my skin; I could see vividly why Jasmine is so attractive to OTHER people, why she's so dismissive of her own daughter, how badly Rainbow wants her mother's attention -- and the subterranean competition between the two of them (Jasmine WILL NOT GIVE Rainbow face for her genuine abilities -- not the tree-shaping, not even the SKETCHING; and Rainbow is so hurt whenever someone "chooses" her mother over herself, and retreats into a protective stance of secret-keeping). And Bob is just awful. Spiteful, hostile. And the way that Rainbow DEALS with the salted earth of her little family is, as with many things in this story, sad and hopeful and realistic at the same time: she's no fool, and she works the emotional terrain with cold pragmatism when it suits her purposes -- she's developed a fine sense of calculation that the story, in my view, quite bravely makes no bones about.

This cool psychological observation of Rainbow's thoughts elevates her from a sympathetic character to a deeply interesting one. The good and the bad are both present, for Rainbow's and for our perusal, to accept them as they are. We're presented, from the very beginning of the story and at every turn, with this uneasy co-existence of odd or outright uncomfortable juxtapositions, and this finally comes to a head in the last two chapters of the excerpt, when finally something has happened that it is not simply AWKWARD emotional terrain (such as Jasmine's dismissiveness of her daughter, when she has genuine love for Rainbow at the same time) but quite possibly unendurable. And I DID NOT SEE IT COMING until the last moment (I had fallen hook, line, and sinker for the misdirection in the prologue ;-) ), and it made my body go cold. It is a simply marvelous scene, for all that it makes me ill. From Rainbow's initial cheerful exploration of the beech tree to the petulant desire to force her will on it to her snotty vindictiveness about wanting to get back at Fraser to her sudden panic that she might actually hurt him -- and then of course the terrible result of all of it, unexpected (to me) but logical and set up with a deft touch (the conversation establishing the friendship with Fraser having served such an important purpose OTHER than simply that fact-setting).

My only potential criticism at this point is a hesitant one, because I'd really rather be able to see more of Part 2 before making any even provisional judgments about it. But -- damn the torpedoes, here we go! I did not understand at first what was happening with the path-splitting in the hospital between Mary-who-knows and Rainbow-who-does-not. And in fact, I'm not sure I would have caught it at all if I hadn't subsequently read the synopsis (I know, I should read synopses first, but I like to be surprised!). Having the two different versions of Rainbow go by different names helps. However, in the first Phloem section, I think what led me astray was that the TEXT mentions Michael's name, even though Jasmine doesn't get the chance to do so. So I was sitting there thinking that Rainbow had simply woken up twice and, on the second awakening, hadn't remembered at first what her mother had said, leading to one of those repetitive conversations that one finds oneself having with people who've woken up after a coma. And then, from this initial misimpression, I was reading everything afterwards a bit OFF from how I should have been -- thinking that Rainbow/Mary (as one person) was simply making an awkward adjustment and not realizing that it was two different (although related) paths. SO! With the two names (and of course the Amrita story) you've already got elements in play that serve as signposts; but I think that perhaps a more direct mention in the first Phloem section that Jasmine NEVER says Michael's name, that Rainbow doesn't actually hear it, might help indicate that we're supposed to be looking at two distinct possibilities now, a Rainbow AND a Mary and not just a confused and erratic Rainbow. (This would take you explicitly out of Rainbow's POV in that section, but I THINK that would be okay; we already, in Jasmine's mouth not closing on the world "Michael," have a POV break, or what should be read as one -- and I don't think POV breaks are bad ideas at all, even though I know I'm in a minority here!)

Overall, this is a book that I would both buy and devour, and it's all the more remarkable for that in being outside my usual style/genre preferences -- but I find the narrative absolutely compulsive. I hope you'll drop me a line if you post more; and very, very best of luck!!!

What can I say? Gifts we all have them, every single human being, unfortunately we are so afraid to talk about them due to karmic anger, we supress them until they disappear. If you have a gift, tell the world, only then will our doubt of the self disolve into nothing. x

Hi Teresa. Clearly a story wearing its literary credentials on its sleeve, or rather on the page and there's no doubting the richness and colour of the prose. I did find it a little slow to get into and was lost more in technical admiration than in the story itself, but that's at least in part a product of reading off the screen. Much easier to become engrossed in a tale when curled up in an armchair with a good actual book. There were a few little trims I think that could benefit things, for example, the repetition of 'Fraser' in the first para caught a little - maybe 'of Fraser - dead - dead through her fault'? And there's the curious choice of 'weejee board' near the very end of Ch1 - I presumed it was to show a child's POV, but it's one of those little touches that threw me for a second and inevitably that throws you out of the narrative. Still, it's all minor stuff, and as I say there's no doubting the quality here. Well done.

Teresa,

I like this. Read three chapters before I knew it. It's an interesting concept.

As for suggestions - these are only my opinion, and nothing serious.
I would like to get a bit more of a feeling of setting. I get the idea that this is set in a hippie commune, but I'm not quite sure if that's right, and I don't know what country we're in.
I'm also not quite sure of Rainbow's age. Sometimes she feels quite mature, but at other times her dialogue is quite young.
I thought you maintained tension really well, but I found it sagging a bit at the end of chapter 3. I thought the discussion with Michael was a bit too chatty (after the sizzling introduction of him), and trailed off a bit. I'd like to see a stronger hook at the end of their meeting.

Hi,

Weird and wonderful and on my shelf.

Beautiful writing and a strangeness that is acceptable amongst the realness of the relationships and emotions so perfectly expressed.

Good luck
Kat
DFYLP

Teresa - as promised, I've just backed your book...I do want to read on - can't wait till she gets to France!

But it drew me in and my curiosity is spiked. Not sure how commercial this would be, but it deserves a shelf space!

Thanks for these useful comments, Janjan, and the shelf space, of course. I'm going to read back through the bits you've highlighted. Marjah wasn't a mistake, it was a 4-yr old Rainbow with a new word!
Not sure about the commercial aspect either, but I've just had an email from a publisher who wants to see the whole thing...

Hi. Well...I spent a good while reading this. It's not the kind of thing I'd normally pick up so that made it interesting.

You paint vivid pictures, and some of your descriptions are so neat, eg: 'his fatherly smile beckoning her to share confidences'.

Rainbow feels so lonely to me, and her although she loves her mum, mum's a bit of a disappointment, isn't she?

One or two places where I felt you could have pruned - eg 'preventing her from being able to think clearly' - I think 'preventing her from thinking clearly' would do it. And in the fourth para of prologue, I think you could break it up for more effect: eg:
Less blurred.
Hospital.
There was such an overwhelming sense of loss.
Her gift?
Fraser?

Also spotted a typo ch 1 Marjah's men.

But it drew me in and my curiosity is spiked. Not sure how commercial this would be, but it deserves a shelf space!

I love the 'crab-entry through the syicking door to the litchen'!

Build up with what sge has told Fraser is intriguing and the story tells with subtley hos lonely and neglected Rainbow is.

Loved the end to chapter 3 and will be reading more as soon as.

Oh, and I finally got you on my shelf!

Mazza

Hi Teresa.

Read the first three chapters. Lovely feel to this and am eager to continue my read.

I love the image I got when Rainbow first meets Michael - the mask and wand; the contrast from the first image I envisioned, and then learning that he was welding.

I'll be back to this very shortly and trying painfully to figure which book to remove from my shelf to make room for it!

I hope you get chance at some point to look at 'Ritual'. It's still in editing stages and I appreciate any comments I receive. However, I know how hard it is to find time for all the titles that are on here!

I'll get back to you with more comments at a later stage. Beautiful piece of writing. Very summery - if that makes sense?!

Mazza

Hope you don’t mind me putting in a friend request – I’ve heard so much about this, and l see you’r friends with Paul whose writing I love.
Evelyn, I love your opening. It has the perfect mix of detail to give us something to care ABOUT, and beautiful writing to make us care about it – it’s so rare that you get the combination of the two.

Your language made my heart stop on occasions (August-long grass) – this is exactly what I try to do with words but fail – there’s an economy of prose there that somehow conveys so much more than endless gushing – “It was as if she…healing each other” – that sentence is just breathtaking.
I love the final sentence of the prologue – what a perfect segue from prologue to chapter 1
I have only one minor niggle, and it’s the same one people made about a story I wrote in very languid prose – there’s a tiny tendency to overuse “that”, which interrupts the flow – I noticed it first in the dialogue of Ch 1 “Are you worried THAT you’re not tall…” and then started looking, and found several more that could do with a prune.
I’m genuinely in awe of your skill as a wordsmith. It’s the first time in 200 reads that’s happened.
I’d love you to read Songs… and see what you think of the language. I’d also highly recommend The Clepsydra Stopped if you haven’t come across it already
On my shelf. Of course

I like the way this is written and will put it on my shelf. I am not sure that it is exactly my 'cup of tea', but that doesn't matter. It is very well written and sufficiently interesting to hold the reader's attention, even one as difficult to interest as I am.

Itzy
I read the first 2 chapters. I think this book has been on my watchlist for ages! Am slowly moving thru them all...
Of course, I am fascinated because this deals with a young girl with a gift, and I can see similarities between Rainbow and Lizzie. I like Rainbow a lot as a character and can really feel what she must experience with a mum like that. My favourite line was - she didn't notice the way normal people looked at her. Class. ;-)
Some minor notes for you to help you polish this:
Thought ch 1 could read a bit tighter, nothing specific, just an overall sense that you could tighten this up. Felt quite slow. Get rid of some of the language and speed it up a bit.
At the end of ch 1 you leave us with 2 sentences that start with a verb - Remembered that, realised that. You hadn't really done this before so it jarred for me.
Ch 2 - tiny thing - can an ant really trot?
Like the imagery of her dad that she made up in her mind.
GREAT gift!!!! Much more useful than seeing death. ;-)
Overall, some lovely touches, and a fascinating story, would like to see it reader tighter and faster, but definitely a gem and quite contemporary too.
Hannah

I like the first chapter but the second and the third seem stronger. Without the benefit of the synopsis, I think you could lose some readers in the convolutions of the coma state....it's the part where it switches to Amrita. Of course if the synopsis has been read then it makes perfect sense. I can see what you are trying to do with that section but perhaps a structural tweak might make it sit better.

Thanks for reading, and thanks even more for these comments. I presume you're talking about the blurb (long pitch) when you say 'synopsis'? I agree that the first few paras are of utmost importance, which is why I've already rewritten them about 20 times... At first, I started straight in with ch2, but the Amrita legend is important and I worried that people would find the beginning too slow if they didn't know that they were reading to find out what the accident and coma were all about. The problem is hooking the reader and warning them that this is a magic realism book, without leaving them feeling completely lost during the prologue. The trouble is that it's a complicated story... I'm going to have a look at that Amrita paragraph and see if I can cut or tweak to make things simpler. Thanks so much, Lallie

Just a thought, it might be nice if you could begin every chapter with a part (with definition?) of a tree. Am also wandering if the Indian legend might merit a chapter of its own in its own cultural voice. back soon. Ali.

Hi Ali and thanks for taking a look at my book.
Funny you should mention parts of a tree - in fact, each 'Part' has a name: the prologue is 'Meristem', then part1 is 'The Trunk'. Part 2 is 'Cambium', then 'Branches', 'Twigs', 'Budding' and (predictably for the end) 'Leaves'.
I'll think about the Indian legend - it hadn't occurred to me.
I'm going to have a look at your profile and see what your book is all about.

Hi Teresa, have just had an initial read (with headache!) so I'll be back for a more detailed look. I love the bits I've dipped into. Just a thought, it might be nice if you could begin every chapter with a part (with definition?) of a tree. Am also wandering if the Indian legend might merit a chapter of its own in its own cultural voice. back soon. Ali.

A couple of nitpicks: you wrote 'weejee' at first but later on 'Ouija'...is this intentional? I noticed it and was surprised.

I also feel you could use 'Mum' more often (as you do in ch 4) rather than 'her mum' all the time - it slowed things down a bit too much for me.

Thanks for your comments Gigi - and sorry that your husband 'dashed' away. Lucky you being so close to the mountains (I just popped onto your profile to learn a bit more about you).
The use of 'weejee' was done on purpose - she's only 4 at this point, and older later.
Yes, I wondered about the Mum bit. At first, I called her Jasmine all the time, but then I thought that Rainbow wouldn't refer to her as Jasmine. So, with your comment in view, I'll go back through and think harder about the 'her mum's.
Thanks also for watchlisting - I hope the story makes it onto your bookshelf. I'd be interested to see what you think of the last chapter posted (Cambium). I'm going to watchlist your book now.

Hello Teresa,

This is beautiful writing: rich, evocative...I love the name Rainbow Linnet! And I like the 'Mum-and-Bob' bit. Poor Rainbow - the part where she was jealous of the attention er mum was giving to that girl was very poignant...

I really wish I had the time to read on but it's past midnight...so ch 4 is as far as I've got...sorry :-(

A couple of nitpicks: you wrote 'weejee' at first but later on 'Ouija'...is this intentional? I noticed it and was surprised.

I also feel you could use 'Mum' more often (as you do in ch 4) rather than 'her mum' all the time - it slowed things down a bit too much for me.

Otherwise, this is definitely going on my bookshelf in the next few days (I've filled it with new books today so I'm leaving them up for a bit) - watchlisted for now and I hope I'll get around to reading the rest very soon.

I see you live in France, too - like me. I'm also (still) married to a dashing Frenchman...unfortunately he dashed off :-(

Long story...

Wow, blurb sounds great. Have watchlisted and will comment as soon as possible.

Kat

Thank you very much for your comments on Common Places. They are most useful. I had not seen your book before through some oversight, but have now watchlisted it. I like the idea of cognac.

itzy, read the opening chapters and this is wonderful. writing is polished, the characters real, the story captivating. the "magic" is so natural and understated that it becomes instantly believable. Rainbow is an engaging character right from the start. I'm shelving this now, and will come back to it later when I have time to read and wallow in in a little more. I think I saw that you signed onto the literary fiction critique group, so I'll definitely give you more time and feedback then. But for now, just wanted to say this is beautifully done, and reads very smoothly.

Itzy - saw you on the forum - have people pointed you to the literaruy ficion group yet? (have a look at "The List" in literary fiction in the genre forum. We're a group reading and giving serious criticism on literary fiction.

Looking forward to conversing there. In the meantime I'll pop you on my watchlist and read this week or next. Feel free to have a read of me, or not as you wish
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=2168

Very best wishes

Dan

itzy, thanks again for your spot-on comments. Based on comments I've received here, and some of yours match with other commenters, I've got to go back and tweak a few more things. I had intended for the story to be told with two overlapping voices - Carrie the character at age 9, or 12, or 19, and Carrie the narrator at age 23 until they merge again in the climax scene at age 23 hinted at in the prologue. But it's obviously confusing to many readers, so I have to either do away with that or find a way to make it more clear and obvious. The language thing, yeah, she's got a foul mouth on her, but because of her older brother who thinks it's great fun to teach her to curse. I think I need to peel it back just a little, as it's offputting to some readers; other readers have said it's exactly right based on when they were that age.

Thanks again. I've not gotten to yours yet, but I will. I've got a full watchlist, but I'm moving you to the head of the line.

Robb

Hello and thanks for your comments. In both books I like other things like jokes and style to bring the reader along and slip the storyline in under their radar, as it were (I didn't realise that till I came on here!). In Poonlop the story does take shape and then moves ~ or jerks ~ along at some pace to what some say is a lovely ending.

In Fardel's, the styles change a lot. After the s.o.c. and Virginia Woolf stuff, there's some more realistic Huxley and a chapter based line for line on The Waste Land. Then we get into Wilde and Orton via Proust and so on. The second part is hopefully where it all settles down as I foind a voice of my own ~ or do I?

As you say, how long can they go on like this (Isn't that a line from the book?)? The point is that this wanker (me) is trying to live the bohemian lifestyle, not thinking of how it affects those around him. This is brought home to him in horrid fashion later. The humour gets very black indeed.

Had a quick look at yours when you first arrived. Seem to be fewer jokes than I normally like ;o) but I may return to it some time as the idea is intriguing.

Itzy, thanks. And no, I don't get upset over critiques (thick skin, i'm an editor). In fact, you have some excellent points. I actually had originally written the prologue in present tense, then ch 1 started in past tense. I had too many people, including a pretty well-known book editor, tell me it didn't work. Since then I've read several books that do exactly that. I've been debating whether to ignore the previous advice and do it my way, so it's nice to hear you make the suggestion.

Itzy, welcome to authonomy. I'll be glad to trade reading/commenting if you like. Take a peak at Carry Me Away and see if it's something that would interest you. If so, leave me a note on my book's comment page and we can read each other's opening chapters (3-5 or so, depending on length).
Robb