ENGAGEMENT

Hi Dianna, I don't mind at all your observations about Engagement and my writing. I'm not trying to climb the ladder of the editors desk, so am less concerned about perfect style (though want to improve) than having the story (it is ours) out there as mabe both a help and or good clean reading for others.

Blessings to you, Darrell

Hi Darrell,

I stopped in real quick to see what your novel is all about. At first the prose sounded a little leading but then you got into the rhythm of things and had me sitting on the edge of my seat. The first chapter was quite intense (so was the second chapter for that matter!) You do a great job getting the reader’s attention. The mood is exciting and ominous all at the same time.

Hope you don’t mind these notes on chapter one:

In the sentence that starts “One of the technicians who’d been out developing the plate hurried into the room…“ I don’t think you need the extra “not exactly running, but close to it.”

In the paragraph that starts “Chairs scraped the floor…” You use hurriedly and then quickly twice. May consider getting rid of these adverbs and “show” the reader that they are in a rush.

“The photographic plate had been automatically sent to development.” This sentence read a little awkward because I took development as a verb and not a noun. I wonder if you could capitalize development or say “the development department.”

Chapter two was really very good. Detailed, wonderful descriptions, background and intriguing characters and plot all worked together to make me want to read more. I’m really interested to see where you are going with this - what a strange mixture, black magic and the church -- I’ll definitely be back. Highly starred.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Hi Darrell

I've read two chapters. My notes:

It's 'copyright', and you don't need to put that anyway.

'Mar(s) and Earth's moon'

'There was nothing suppose(d) to be there' - it would also sound better reworded.

'The dark void of space' - no need for a comma

Does a black hole count as something that fills empty space? If you poke a hole in a piece of blank paper, the paper's still blank. It just has a hole in it. A black hole is, in a sense, the absence of anything.

I'm not sure they could say it was beyond any theory put forward just because they looked at it with their eyes and its quite dark.

'fear-tinged' - why is there a semicolon after this?

'What's going on?' - this is the third bit of dialogue and the third time you've described it as strained, and the second time you've described it as a croak.

Of course it needs nothing to stand on - it's in space.

Everything about this creature appears to be 'slightly'.

To whom was its presence revealed? To whom did its clothing appear tight-fitting? Who couldn't determine whether it was clothing or skin? To whom did it seem that darkness flowed like a cape?

8 feet tall. I assume it is humanoid? I have to guess, because you've only described its face.

'howl of ten thousand banshees' would be sufficient.

'hundreds of other hideous being(s)'

That's it. I read briefly through chapter 2, but there was nothing that stood out to me. It is well written for the most part, but it needs as edit for things like repeated words and unnecessary words (like 'words in this sentence!).

Good luck with it :)

One last thing - I notice in the comment's you click 'reply' to give people your responses to their comments. That posts it directly to this page, and so they won't see it. You need to click 'send message' to make sure they get it.

Hello Darrell:

I read the first few chapters of Engagement. When I saw the book length, it struck me that you are quite a prolific writer! In times past, this may have worked against you because of the added printing cost of lengthier manuscripts, but I think that in the new age of ebooks, there is more flexibility in this.

Anyway, in Chapter 1, the first appearance of the word earth was not capitalized as it should be. You probably overlooked this because Earth is later capitalized in several places in the same chapter.

Chapter 1: "There was nothing suppose to be there" would probably be better written, "There was nothing that was supposed to be there" or simply, "Nothing was supposed to be there."

Chapter 2:
a. "far to" should be "far too"
b. "they grew father and farther apart." Maybe this could be changed to, "They grew further and further apart."

Chapter 3: "I'll say its some trail" should be "I'll say it's some trail."

Chapter 4: Finish out the quotation mark on the very last sentence.

Blessings.

James

I am impressed with the intensity of this story, and also of the faith of this loving family. Highly starred and backed! CP

Thanks, and blessings to you. Darrell Smucker

Read your first chapter here, and I have to say this is eerie!
It is really written well to make you creep out just a little.
Good job catching the eerie writing skill! :)

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Read your first chapter here, and I have to say this is eerie!
It is really written well to make you creep out just a little.
Good job catching the eerie writing skill! :)

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Very good development of Mary Ann’s character traits.

Good development of a linear plot.

-as if horror and fear had generated their own substance. Loved that line.

I didn’t detect much that pointed out a need for line editing. Good job.

I have some concerns:

Chapter One gives no idea as to why there is so much horror and fear.

Give dialogue to the exchange of the Yerkes Observatory and the person on the phone at Lowell Observatory.

Your statement in the next to the last paragraph…it threw back its head and loosed a howl as of ten thousand banshees screaming at once…contradicts the laws of physics as there is no sound in space.

…other hideous being(s) as demented and as dark as himself.

Chapter One is in dire need of conflict. It needs more than the cerebral conflict of the discovery of a creature in space that contradicts the laws of physics. It also needs some type of action, the basic element of the thriller genre.

Even now, lying there, the thought filled her with a strange excitement and desire. What thought is having that effect on her? The way the sentence is written, it directs the reader’s attention to the previous mentioned…Kurt had no real clue to her world-who she was, what she thought and felt, and most of all, what she was lately becoming….but that is another contradiction. Your prose is lacking the clarity needed to give the reader a firm grounding in the concepts you are trying to advance.

Chapters One and Two need more dialogue in order not to come across like a monologue or a speech. Too much narrative will make even the best storyline sound bland discouraging readers from exploring additional chapters. Since you list the genre as a thriller, what needs to be developed are the two most critical elements of that genre….action and conflict to keep the storyline moving.

In order to write effectively in any genre, one must read the work of others who have varying degrees of talent in those genres (including the best sellers). There are a number of manuscripts on this site that have given me an opportunity to learn. The Immortality Game by Ted Cross shows an excellent use of dialogue laced with dialect, imagery, punctuation, and grammar. Halo of the Damned by Dina Rae employs a graphic, yet action-packed beginning that reaches out and grabs the reader.

I hope you achieve your goal of seeing this in print. Since you listed your book as completed, you’ve gotten through the hardest part, getting from the beginning to the ending. Now is the time for the real work to begin…revision.

The story has great potential.

Jsault2003, author of Battle against the Beast
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38506/battle-against-the-beast/read-book/#chapter

Hi Darrell...Have read through chapter five....very interesting. I wil be back to read more and find out what is happening. You are doing a great job building up the suspense! Have a good weekend, Ruby

Hello Darrell,


I have read chapter one - it reads like the Bible's end of edge story. Listening to a local radio in Uganda about the out space I had that man's knows approximately 4% of what the universe has. Therefore 96% we don't know. Your book is trying to add to the 4%. Bravo.