The Mermaid of Shingle Street

good story and premise, punctuation is in need of an edit, the pitch is intriguing, too.
j
what every woman should know

Hi Richard,
a return read for your support of Mr Unusually's Circus of Dreams. Thanks again.
Feel free to ignore anything that you don't agree with, I'm no expert.

Firstly I must say I love the title of this book, lovely juxtaposition and a command of the lyricism of words that is displayed throughout your writing.

First line: I like the first part of it, but the second part is a little confusing, because ‘world and his wife’ is a slightly confusing phrase. At first I thought you were actually talking about someone’s wife and I had to re-read! But I like “In truth, I was certain no one would believe me.” That’s a great first line.

You paint lovely pictures with your words and I sense you are mindful of their sounds as well. I liked – skimming stones, last rays of the sun, sea wall, shingle beach, skylarks. All lovely images and beautiful words and lots of 'shhh' sounds so that we can hear the sea in the words. Well done.

You have a slight tendency to overuse questions and exclamation marks. I didn't like all the exclamation marks in the section with the boy and the mermaid. To me, exclamation marks always feel a little cheesy!

Not quite sure how old the narrator is meant to be. The language at times sounds like he is a much older person (an adult) remembering when he was younger. It’s slightly confusing. If it’s from e.g. a 12 year old’s point of view, the words need to be those a 12 year old would use. Your narrative voice seems to slip into a more adult one frequently. e.g. don’t like the word “centrefold” in this context, it feels too technical for this narrator.

Kissing? I think you need to take off the ‘children’s tag’ this feels way too grown up. Remember children’s is usu 8-12. You could use a YA tag here, but not children’s.

You have a great premise and lovely plot. Your writing is at times truly poetic, but I felt that it wobbled a little in places. I sense that you're not quite sure who your 'market' is as you have ticked a lot of tags. I feel that this is letting the book down. Decide whether it's horror or romance or children's and work within the conventions of that genre. Otherwise you'll never get published (unless you self publish). It's annoying I know, but it's a sad fact of life that publishers are looking for things that fit into a pre-ordained category with strict rules.

This has real potential, but there are a few niggles, nonetheless it is an interesting story, well written,
5 stars from me.
All the best,
Sharda.

Richard,
I love proper fantasy writing for children and I love mermaid stories. This is a beautifully told tale and I think younger readers would love it. It has a lovely old fashioned feel to it.
I want to know your protagonist more. I am not sure how old he is. This is just a suggestion but are you able to somehow let us get to know him more in the early chapters such as how he reacts in situations through dialogue.
I have no space on my shelf at the moment but I will shelve you when I have a space.
Highly starred.
Tracey

I have only read the first chapter so far but it has held my interest enough that I will read more. So far I think it is a great children's book. Punctuation needs a little work but that's nothing compared to the great imagination I see.

Richard,
Thanks for sharing your story! The dialogue is very smooth and realistic, easy and conversational, which help create real and "average" characters -- a good contrast to the fantastical aspect of the plot, that of the mermaid. There is a solid contrast between chapters one and two; in chapter one we see the mermaid in her most angelic form, grounding us in a fantasy; but in the next chapter you throw that traditional storyline out the window when the mermaid gets ground up. I compliment you on this black/white relationship. It's good writing. Complex. Engages the emotions. I'm eager to read more.

Sam Cronin
"Mule"

A lovely story Richard. The idea may not be absolutely new, but you execute it beautifully and add a twist which is very inventive and highly readable. Its also an enjoyable book - something that is becoming rare amid all the ultra-realism and emphasis on violence. The settings are good and your style a comfortable one. This is well above average - well done. I wish you all the very best with it.
Best regards,
JA

The tone of this story sounds quite traditional, almost old-fashioned by todays standards. The dark aspects would make the story most suitable for young adults, I feel. The plot is fascinating and quite unusual. The cover is lovely. Maybe some more direct dialogue in the first chapter would bring the story to life even more. I'm interested enough to read on. Candy.

I loved your cover so much that I just had to back your book for a while, until I get a chance to read some of it. I love mermaids.

Hi

I have read the first few chapters and I like the concept of your story. It is well set out, with the meeting and then the information about the parents, and the setting. i like that you have set it in the North Sea.

You have a very different style, which I think is well-written. You have demonstrated Jake's emotions as they develop, and the extent of his love with "his thoughts" and descriptions perfectly, giving all the necessary background information simultaneously. I like this alot. 6 stars and wl.

You are a really good writer with a very interesting and creative story. You have really good word usage and everything flowed easily. Great job. High stars. Lacy

You've created a deliciously warm lagoon with a beautifully described mermaid. The reader can feel Jake's sense of wonder and awe about Mellisa. Suddenly, I'm thinking, yes - time for a mermaid story.

I wonder if you've considered spending more time on these opening meetings. Dialogue would bring out her character more perhaps. Given your pitch, and the kissing scene, I'm a little unsure of Jake's age. He seems young - nervous, impressionable, going out on a bike - but his voice is considerably older, at least to me.

Just some thoughts. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work!
Best wishes,
Kate

I like the concept of this story a lot. I also really enjoyed that old-fashioned sort of story-telling voice. It has a tone and a feel that we don't hear too often nowadays, and is very hard to pull off convincingly. Poor Jake; I felt for him a lot. I loved his voice, and even though the tone of the story is a little formal, his distress is clear.

I like this a lot and will highly star and back it with pleasure.

Best,
Dyane
The Purple Morrow

There's something about a mermaid story. For one, it's not very widely done these days, and also, it's just such a lovely myth. I think you're definitely on to something here. You also have a talent for description, and I like the old fashioned feel of your story. I also like how you get right into the adventure part of the story, but I do think you could add maybe one chapter where we see the relationship between Jake and Melissa, conversations and such. I really enjoyed it and when I get to a proper computer I'll be happy to back it. Nice work!

The Mermaid of Shingle Street.
By Richard Thurston.

Pleased to come back again to your book to read more.
It’s a long time since I read any Mermaid books.
As a child, I was always fascinated by them…so were many other kids at the time.
I think that there’s a place in book shops for a story such as this, I’m sure of it.
You give some excellent description throughout the book.
I felt I was there on the shingle beech, watching Melisa swim, with no one else around.
How could Jake not fall for this lovely creature?
Then, to learn of the dreadful accident, caused by the ‘Dora’.
I thought for a moment that she wouldn’t recover, but pleased to find out later that she did.
I didn’t want to put the book down all the way through it…a compelling read…even for an adult.
I would like to know how the rescue from the US base turns out.
Enjoyed immensely, the story… I’m sure many more readers will…Well done!!
Highly star-rated.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest - The Time Zone.

Thanks Neville- I am so glad one or two readers like my story.

Richard

The Mermaid of Shingle Street.
By Richard Thurston.

Pleased to come back again to your book to read more.
It’s a long time since I read any Mermaid books.
As a child, I was always fascinated by them…so were many other kids at the time.
I think that there’s a place in book shops for a story such as this, I’m sure of it.
You give some excellent description throughout the book.
I felt I was there on the shingle beech, watching Melisa swim, with no one else around.
How could Jake not fall for this lovely creature?
Then, to learn of the dreadful accident, caused by the ‘Dora’.
I thought for a moment that she wouldn’t recover, but pleased to find out later that she did.
I didn’t want to put the book down all the way through it…a compelling read…even for an adult.
I would like to know how the rescue from the US base turns out.
Enjoyed immensely, the story… I’m sure many more readers will…Well done!!
Highly star-rated.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest - The Time Zone.

I read all 9 chapters uploaded. This is such a different story! It's a little strange but you pull it off somehow! Your writing is great and the story flows so nicely. I'd love to know how it ends. I didn't pick up on any nits. My only crit is that the beginning where Jake swims with the mermaid- its a bit weird and might be off putting to some readers. It's a fine line to walk because you clearly need to get your readers to buy into something completely unbelievable. And the rest of the chapters do it beautifully. Just something about that scene jumped out at me as awkward. Its possible i would have been more accepting if there had been more development of Melissa. Overall I thought it was really a neat tale. Highly starred. If you upload more, let me know. I'd love to read more!

Richard,
I must say I quite adored this. I love where the story is going, the title is catchy, and the cover art is great as well. It reminds me of the cover of an old Hans Christian Anderson book I have, which is quite fitting.
I agree with Schrodinger a bit in the sense that I feel the dialogue may need to flow a touch more smoothly, but other than that I feel that this subject and type of storytelling would really pique a lot of interest.
Great job, 5 stars from me. (:

Bre Memoria

This lovely story begins with an old-fashioned feel as if told by one of the great 19th century writers. I found myself looking for clues to the era– an ambulance… propeller… the Soviets… pot– we can form a time frame– the heat of the Cold War.

Prepubescent Jake meets Melissa in the first chapter and falls in love with her. He learns she was caught by a fishing boat and badly injured, ending up with US Military Intelligence. Jake and his American friend Marlon spend the next several chapters trying to find the mermaid's whereabouts.

What a great concept! I love it.

The sample (more, I want more!) doesn't provide much of a hint of the story's direction, but I can picture the story as cinematic YA, a book and movie I'd love to see. I'm happy to back it.

Thanks for the backing which is doubly welcome since your name is undeniably the best.

Richard

I might not classify it as science fiction rather science fantasy, but it caught my attention. The dialog might need to be more realistic (but maybe mermaids speak super-formally), but the story flows well. I like it.

Hi Lucy

Thank you so much for your kindness in both appreciating the story but also bothering to remind me of my failure to edit properly. I have been searching for a good editor, you've got the job -as if! Any way I wrote this in a rush and never went back because I was sick of editing the men of dunwich-over and over. I guess this is where I stopped thinking I could write and thought i was just another fool dreaming of retiring to the potting shed where i started writing a couple of years back. My God it was so much easier second time around even though I am stuck in limbo land now.

All the very best to you and I will endeavour to return the compliment.

Richardx

Hello Richard,
Your story is weird and beautiful. I love the whole thing. It's pleasingly old-fashioned and well written.
I noticed some things as I was reading but none of these minor points detracted from my enjoyment of the writing or the story.
Ch 1 Right at the beginning you describe the warm night as "barmy." I think you mean balmy.
Ch 2 "passed caring" should be past caring.
Ch 3 I think in some places you need more commas to make the meaning clearer. For example, in this chapter you have "My father nodded she had taken the words right out of his mouth." A sentence like this could do with splitting up a bit.
Ch 3 ..."some secret file to be ogled at by all and sundry." Not very secret if lots of people are going to look at it.
Ch 4 Expressions like "..like the back of his hand", "nice as pie" and "make my blood boil" are used too much. Nicer to have more original ones otherwise they lose their meaning because they are so familiar. You might have thought of this however, and decided that they suit the voice of your characters, in which case I'm wrong.
Ch 5 "...from the waste upwards" should be "from the waist upwards"
Ch 5 "...transfixed by the very site" should be sight and Ch 9 "was a fearsome site", also should be sight.
In places you use "it's" as possessive such as "it's oak beamed white fronted" and "it's arrets and eddies." In these cases it should be "its". Just typos I'm sure.
Ch 6 "Err high is that Bernie..." should be "Err hi, is that Bernie?"
Ch 9 "...was full proof" Should this be foolproof? I'm not sure, I thought maybe.
Your choices of US English and UK English are inconsistent. You have "favor" in Ch 7 and "favour" in Ch 8. You also use the spellings "gray" and "honorable". Also Ch 6 "...from his jean pocket". Brits would say "jeans pocket." Maybe you are using UK spellings in direct speech and US otherwise? It might well be deliberate but I was left unsure.
I would have happily sat here and read any more you uploaded. It really is full of quirky loveliness. Very highly rated and a pleasure.
Lucy Middlemass
Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon

I’m not a wholesale fantasy fan, but I’m thoroughly immersed in this. Melissa herself might be mythical, but Jake’s reaction to her, and the events that follow her death, are satisfyingly human. The blend of the two works extremely well.

I did wonder at first whether your style was too retro for today’s readers, but by the second paragraph, I’d accepted it completely. It’s charming and slightly whimsical, which seems to me to suit the concept better than a more modern approach.

There were a couple of things that bothered me. I’d have been more comfortable with Jake early on if I’d known his age, and I wasn’t sure why Jake’s father attended the scene of Melissa’s death. You tell us later he’s a policeman, but I’d have liked to have known that when he was first telling the story.

The writing itself needs some editing, but I’m sure you’re aware of that. There are quite a few misspellings, (the first one to strike me was ‘barmy’, meaning mad, instead of ‘balmy’) and you could make better use of commas for clarity in some of the longer sentences.

I hope this helps. I love the concept, and I’ll look forward to reading more.

Hello Richard
Thanks for backing my book. It was very kind of you. I didn't find a comment made on it so if you ever do I'm all ears.
Now to your book: What a marvellous concept - not just your run of the mill modern fairytale. Your style of writing reminded me of something...and then it came to me seeing as we're both Poe fans, it has a quality reminiscent of the way Poe tells a tale.

This is good storytelling and good plotting. I'm putting it on my watchlist with a view to reaching my bookshelf as i read more.

Well Done!

Kind Regards

Maria :-) (OTHERKIND)

Richard, What a great combination to have: Your nautical and seafaring knowledge combined with the talent to write. and you write about it so well. There is nothing whatsoever vague in this. You write with clarity throughout the story. I read through the 9 chapters and it's well composed. I love the style you use and I've read a great many stories on this site and haven't seen anyone come close to it. I read one of the comments made regarding the dialogue and it was described as 'stilted' and I tend to disagree, because though it has the sound of formality, it doesn't come across as unnatural. In fact, I find it entirely charming. The story itself is of course fantasy, but it's written minus the over the top, wild pyrotechnics. You don't need that - without a doubt. One thing I would like to see changed, or rather removed is a curse word I came across, but that's a personal preference. Otherwise, I would like to say, wonderful work, and I hope you finish it. I give you my best regards, julie

I've just finished chapter 2, and as a fantasy veteran, I'm thoroughly enjoying the plot. The layout could use a little work, but that's not really a fault to nitpick on.

I would like to know a little more about the narrator earlier in the first chapter, eg age, name, sex etc...

I love the description of Melissa, the words are beautiful and have captured the natural grace of mermaids perfectly. She seems like a very powerful character, I can't wait to see if there's going to be more scenes with her.

High stars from me! I really enjoyed this one.

RK Summers
The Albion Pages

Hi Richard,

I I think your opening scene is very well written and I had no difficulty at all picturing it for myself. I do like that rather than going for an atypical romance (even though your FC is a mermaid!) you're tracing the story backwards from her death.

What wasn't entirely clear to me was when this was all taking place, is Jake now an adult thinking back on his experiences? How old is he incidentally? I think you could spend some more time building up to introducing Melissa, a bit of back story or even just a description of the fight Jake had with his friends before he heads for the beach? It just seemed like it was all over before it had really begun, unless of course that's what you intended? I also noticed that Jake refers to his father as both Papa and Dad, and it's difficult to work out whe your story is set, as Papa speaks in a rather old-fashioned manner whilst Jake and his mother seem more contemporary.

Of course, this is just all a fellow amateur's opinion, and obviously showing rather than telling is imperative. I will read some more and see if I can find the answers for myself! I love your title by the way.

Enjoyable tale, very entertaining. :)

Richard,

Intersting premise, if a bit dated. I haven't read it all yet, but so far my biggest issue is the dialog seems quite stilted to me--not at all like people really talk. Even the non-dialog text has problems that make it difficult to read. You might consider shorter and more to the point sentences.

Matt
"Orphan of Greenwich Village"

Richard - Nice, intriguing story. Great premise, and the USAF/CIA angle adds an extra dimension of intrigue. Hard to put down. Would have liked to hear a little more detail about the mermaid and her view of her world (possibly more to come in later chapters? Makes me want to read more). Thought the frequent 'Yes,...' [restate], was maybe a little overused. Otherwise, I really liked the writing style - slightly old fashioned and regional. I'm a big fan of Dickens, and that is one of the things I find so enticing about his work. He captures Victorian England as if in a time capsule. I am not as familiar with the region and period of your story, but there is nothing wrong with developing that aspect of the story. It's a good dimension/angle. Oh ... I'm familiar with 'taking the mickey', but never "...to take the Michael" - is that the same, or is it a turn of a phrase? All in all, I think you have a good piece here. Best of luck !!!

Steve Lee
"At the Narrow End of Time' and 'Epiphany'

I really like the opening chapter although wish the budding relationship between them had been developed a bit more. Other than that though I find it sweet and a little magical :-) Nice writing style.
I will read more when I can
Tammy

Ah, but you have many cats. I was talking about a single pet, a neutered apartment cat, totally spoiled and fussy about what he lets his people get away with. Ours was called Jamie, a great companion in his way.

Best,

GG

Richard,

Thanks for your wise words and kind comments,I can see where you are coming from and apologise for being too local, however the stuff about cats is nonsense. Our cats fight over a dribble of milk and jostle each other for a hand full of crunchy nut chickeny thingies.

Any rate I will put you on the shelf and prepare for my retirement from here thank you so much.

richard

Richard,

The story is a great idea and will, no doubt, have the required twists and turns, ups and downs, before it ends and everybody, perhaps, lives happily ever after.

As a reader, I'm left with a feeling of fatigue. The narrative is so verbose and colloquial that it runs an outsider down. You systematically leave out most of the commas. You set the action in localities I don't know but give no description of them and their significance. It seems you're writing for locals like the people who put up the road signs: somebody from out-of-town gets lost because they're supposed to know every place by name.

I'd have expected to see a kind of detachment in the narrator--enough to show that he empathizes with his readers' need to get their bearings. As it is, he leaves the reader on the outside, as it were. The text doesn't make me want to visit Shingle Street, nor does it give me the slightest indication of its history, location, or accessibility. One should approach such a scene a bit like a cat approaches his dinner--in a roundabout way that confers elegance and style.

Some work still to be done there.

All the best,

GG

After reading the first 3 chapters:
Things moved rather quickly. I wish you had spent more time detailing scenes instead of just glancing at them and letting them pass by. I wanted to get to know Melissa more. Jake knew her, but as a reader I didn't feel like I did. I also had no idea how old he was until near the end of the third chapter, though his age didn't surprise me, which means you set that up well.
The style was interesting and unique. The writing could use some polishing, but was generally enjoyable and easy to read. I'm not sure how I feel about the story at this point because everything was going by so quickly, and I'll admit that it was the mermaid that drew me to the book initially. The idea certainly has potential.

Best of luck,
Cora

Thanks for that I guess the age and experience of the narrator does beg the question and invite criticism. In fact as this is a true account I see little point in trying to change his words as this is actually how he sees it -if you catch my drift ... excuse nup.
Thanks for you interest and kind backing.

Richard

Richard,the narrative certainly flows along, in keeping with the tides, but is almost as wayward. The MC is nevertheless engaging, as if writing a letter to a friend. But this is not all your requirement. The reader of a novel needs to be free of excusable faults. With careful polishing, this story could capture its own kind of readership, young or adult.
Melissa is certainly all that we ask of a mermaid, which makes her fate all the more poignant.
Press on with this - it has good possibilities.
David Grant
Pompey Chimes

Richard,the narrative certainly flows along, in keeping with the tides, but is almost as wayward. The MC is nevertheless engaging, as if writing a letter to a friend. But this is not all your requirement. The reader of a novel needs to be free of excusable faults. With careful polishing, this story could capture its own kind of readership, young or adult.
Melissa is certainly all that we ask of a mermaid, which makes her fate all the more poignant.
Press on with this - it has good possibilities.
David Grant
Pompey Chimes

Intriguingly different, and well written in a slightly old-fashioned style, I thought. To be backed.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An utterly captivating start. An interesting main character. Excellent use of deep point of view. Lyrical prose. Lovely descriptions. Not much tension in this chapter. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... and then of course to saunter down to the waters edge to skim a few stones ... ' Waters (plural) should be water's (possessive). There are more cases where the plural form is used when the possessive form is appropriate.
2) 'I crept back from my vantage point feeling guilty for spying on her ... ' Try to avoid using the verb 'feeling.' Just describe his guilt so vividly the reader will experience it along with Jake. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
3) 'Melissa you mean the world to me, ... ' Comma after 'Melissa.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There is another case in this chapter where you address someone in dialogue, but didn't offset their name or title with a comma.
4) 'I will always love and protect you.' I said ... Comma after 'you.' 'I said' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation).

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a sensational day.

Al

thanks Gillian a few more pearls from someone who really does care

very best wishes

richard

Reading other comments, after I sent mine, I saw one from Old Bob, about bike in chap 1 , para 1, and jalopy in chap 2. When I looked back, you had changed it. Either sounds good to me. You don't give Jake's age, but he is clearly , too young to drive - so I think any reader would think he is using the word "jalopy" in a facetious way.

Chapters three and four, have the same gentle tone of chapter one, although the story is no longer idyllic. I don't think a change in tone would improve it, though.

Jake has probably figured that there are other mermaids, as Melissa told him that their love is forbidden. He
seems to assume straight away, that she is the dead mermaid though. I can just see him reading his father''s report...

You mention the unwritten code , about harming mermaids and eternal damnation. I don't think that the fisherman would be worried about this though. On the other hand - Jake might be too young to imagine how an adult might see things.

I think your book deserves 6 stars, and I might put it on my shelf. (I have some others to check out. We need good "Kids lit" , especially some that would encourage boys to read.


good luck Gillian
































i

Reading other comments, after I sent mine, I saw one from Old Bob, about bike in chap 1 , para 1, and jalopy in chap 2. When I looked back, you had changed it. Either sounds good to me. You don't give Jake's age, but he is clearly , too young to drive - so I think any reader would think he is using the word "jalopy" in a facetious way.

Chapters three and four, have the same gentle tone of chapter one, although the story is no longer idyllic. I don't think a change in tone would improve it, though.

Jake has probably figured that there are other mermaids, as Melissa told him that their love is forbidden. He
seems to assume straight away, that she is the dead mermaid though. I can just see him reading his father''s report...

You mention the unwritten code , about harming mermaids and eternal damnation. I don't think that the fisherman would be worried about this though. On the other hand - Jake might be too young to imagine how an adult might see things.

I think your book deserves 6 stars, and I might put it on my shelf. (I have some others to check out. We need good "Kids lit" , especially some that would encourage boys to read.


good luck Gillian
































i

review of chapter one of The Mermaid.
A lovely gentle pace. The town makes me think of Portwen, in Doc Martin. An idyllic place where I'd love to live...
To start with, Jake seems very much like one of Enid Blyton's characters - but unlike them - he is allowed to grow up.
Jake`s growing attraction for Melissa, reminds me of falling in love for the first time. That morning, I had said "I'm not interested in boys. In the evening, I went out with some schoolmates, ( We were on a school trip abroad ) By the end of the evening - I was in love.

The only changes that I suggest are
removing my clothes - yes all my clothes - a pleasure... and conversation - yes conversation - asked me...

this would give a more dramatic effect than the commas.

I don't think many people could make "...yes...-..." work, but you do in chapter one. ( If there is a lot of it in the book it could get tedious, though.)

Hiya.

So far the story you have is interesting. I believe it is a good idea, and you write very well.

The only thoughts I have are,

How does Jake know automatically that it was his friend that was hurt? If their are other mermaids, as mentioned at the end of chapter 3, how is he sure it is her? Also how does he know there are others?

I think you should draw out Jake and Melissa's time together. Make it 2 chapters maybe, with more detail and them getting to know eachother. Then finish off with the part about him offending her.
I found his feelings for her very provocative and real. It makes us want to know what he's going to do about how he feels, and this needs to be built up a bit more.
If you draw out their time together, the readers will feel more connected to the situation and be truly upset when she gets her, but once again, he needs to have a better way of figuring out that it was actually Melissa that was captured.
A little more emotion should be shown when he thinks she is dead.

Otherwise it was easy to read, pleasantly written, and has a lot of promise.

5 Stars
-Shadowchime

A picturesque beginning, which reminds me of childhood holidays. With words like sauntered and dashed, and the precise tone of the piece, the text has an old fashioned feel about it. A little bit reminiscent of Jennings, maybe? Any thoughts how modern day youth might react to this?

On a similar note the sentences tend to be lengthy, which is in keeping with the tone of the text, but I’m not sure how that sits with young, pre-teen readers? Have you had any reaction from your stated age group?

I would query whether you need to begin the third paragraph with the technically ungrammatical “But then how could I forget…” Would “How could I forget..” be sufficient?

This has a distinctive style and is suitably imaginative. Given the apparent “quaintness” of the piece I’m not sure how chopped up and mutilated mermaid remains are going to sit with a younger audience. The combination of romance and children's story also seems an unusal combination. Am I missing something?

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

I love mermaids and so I was drawn to this book. I love the voice that it is written in. It reminds me of an old-fashioned sort of narrative - like he is writing in his journal. The voice is really very well done.

I do think that you can tighten up the prose a lot. There seemed to me to be many unnecessary words, and it also seemed strange to me that he had to go look her up in his books and didn't know she was a mermaid right away. It seemed strange to me that he had to consult a story book to figure this out.

I would have also liked to see some more dialogue to "wake it up" a little bit and break up the long narrative, though I understand that is part of the style.

Great read!

All the best,

Rena

There are a fair few commas missing; some sentences become long and unwieldy. Overstep is one word, and I think you wrote it as two somewhere.

The genres you chose for your book intrigued me. A thriller with a mermaid for children? :) I must say, having read a little I began to agree, although the style is perhaps a little complex for children - maybe this is more a book for teens, I'm not entirely certain. Borderline.

I was a little confused. Did I miss something? I felt an explanation for her presence was needed, if he'd never seen her before and she suddenly appears... I don't know. I'm being picky here.

Overall, a competent and lovely book that is a pleasure to read. Lovely, but just be sure to polish a little more. :)

Hi Richard. I have a few comments on your wonderful story. I'm not really a fantasy buff, so a lot of my comments are more on the technical side. I have to admit, though, you've done a great job. I'm not a trained writer but was pretty good in English so, don't take anything I say too seriously.

Paragraph 1, first line. Not sure who "...his..." refers to. Usually a pronoun refers back in the sentence or paragraph to a previously mentioned noun. This is an easy fix. Last sentence in Paragraph 1, you say "...waters edge..." should be ",,,water's edge..."

Paragraph 2, you say "...parked my old jalopy..." In Paragraph 1 you say you were going on your bike.

Personal note: I don't like the word "had" unless its use is absolutely necessary. To me, it sounds like a stutter. In Paragraph 3, you say "...tide had made..." It could be "...tide made..." To me, it sounds better.

Paragraph 4, no comma after "...favorite of mine..." and eliminate the word "in" after bathing. Second sentence, insert comma after "Well..."

I have to say again, I'm not a fantasy fan, but I absolutely love your first description of the mermaid - well done.

What a delightful story told in a wonderful voice. I love the first person approach; one I use myself. Your punctuation and grammar improved after mid-chapter.

A word of caution. There's nothing wrong with using a lot of narrative, especially when you write as well as you do. Be careful, however, not to use too much passive voice in your narrative. It tends to slow the story down.

Good luck with your book.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

The Mermaid of Shingle Street
Fiction, fantasy 1st person

Premise: who wouldn't love a mermaid story?

Pacing: The story flows like a river, with an occasional splash to keep it interesting. IMO, the conversations seem a little long, in fact, the father's dialog in Ch 1 was a little daunting. What is the targe age? If kids, it might be a good idea to break up the paragraphs a little.

Characterization: the MC is a thoughtful young fellow. Likeable and inquisitive. Mermaid, I'd like to get to know her better. I think it'd be a good idea to expound for a time on the relationship to show how the youngster is captivated by the mythical creature.

Mechanics: I saw no issues here. Well done.

Plot: Hummm... Well, mermaids are very loved. But a dead one? I've read through Ch 1 and there seems to be no hope or suggestion that the mermaid will come back to life if returned to the sea. If that is the plan for the plot, perhaps hint at it with a story from the mermaid herself explaining it to the boy. If your target audience includes young girls, it might put them off to have the mermaid killed off in a horrible & bloody manner right at the start of the book.

Overall impression; I think the subject matter is intriguing. But I wonder if the approach is workable. It is certainly different.
Raechel
Echo

Richard,
Even as a boy, one of my fairytale fanatsies was to encounter a long-haired beauty with a fishtail for legs and, of course, naked from the waist up. I would have liked to see a whole chapter devoted to the subtle appearance of a sea creature in Jake's meanderings, in a subtle way at first until the full force of realization hits him that he's face-to-face with the mythic mermaid. Since we're dealing with a fable, getting it up to the status of reality would be effective in small doses, giving the mind time to accept the possibility, and then the slamdunk when said mind is properly primed. Certainly hormonal tension would be involved which could from a youth's POV pass for puppy love. Enjoyed what I read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean