Pain

Kim, this is great! You have a lovely way with words; I was hooked from the first few lines. Your pitch is good too. This is a subject that I'm very interested in, as I know are a lot of people, and your book would be a very desirable read in the right hands. I noticed a few typos:

...which glowed red like demons eyes...
This needs an apostrophe on demons. (Demons')

...her twenty-seven year old face...
Two more hyphens need placing in here. (twenty-seven-year-old)

...Ruffles her cat brushed himself...
Needs a comma after Ruffles and another one after cat.

Open minded should be hyphenated.

At the interview, he'd had a relaxed, open, friendly air about him...
I've re-written the beginning of the line above, take it as you will.

I want you to treat one of my patients Nicky.
Needs a comma after patients.

The spaces between a few of your paragraphs also need sorting; some are double-lined and some are single. a double-lined space is used to indicate a change of scene, etc, and I got a little confused when I saw one but the scene was the same.

Only small nit picks and they're only my opinion; feel free to ignore them.

Overall, you've done a great job here, Kim. your descriptions are vivid, yet not overly done, and the pace flows smoothly. Nice end to the first chapter, too. Highly rated, well done.

The first chapter ends well and the sense of foreboding is good. Nicky’s gift and the frustration it brings is an okay idea for a story, although there is a danger of it feeling a bit familiar if you don’t make a point of establishing some kind of unique quality she as. At the moment (from reading two chapters) it could be an episode of Medium or similar.

The initial appearance of the girl is well handled, but you get a bit bogged down in trying to convey her distress, to the point it starts reading like a thesaurus entry (intense, immense, like a tidal wave, taking her breath away with its intensity). Once you’ve made the point there’s no need to belabour it. The problem is you don’t really have anything else to add. She doesn’t give any indication of why she’s there and Nicky fails to get beyond that.

I realise this is the initial contact and you’re going to build on it, but also take into consideration this is the opening of the story and all she gets is a girl appearing and then disappearing. I’m not saying she should turn up screaming and with her hair on fire, but as that would be the ridiculous extreme on one end of the spectrum, so what you have is the extreme on the other. The only reason to believe the girl has a problem is that you keep insisting she has by what Nicky senses.

I think you also overuse the words ‘feeling’ and ‘felt’, If you do a word search you’ll find dozens of examples in just the first two chapters. These words tend to indicate weak writing, where the writer tries to force the emotion into the story and onto the reader. What you want to get across is the cause of the feeling so the reader empathises and relates to it. And any time a word appears dozens of times (you really use it a lot) it becomes very noticeable and suggests the writer isn’t policing themselves very carefully.

After the girl’s visit the story drifted a bit. She gets up, feeds the cat etc. I think there’s a little foreboding being built up, but in too direct and on-the-nose fashion (you just telling us she felt dread). The bit of backstory you throw in about her childhood was too vague, imo. You say adults accepted her visions as imaginary friends, then you switch to they got nervous about it. Which is it? Possibly they started off as one and as she got older got more freaked out about it, but you don’t say what exactly were they nervous about? You don’t give any indication. That’s the stuff that’s interesting, the specifics.

Same with how she got her job. She convinced the doctor to take her on – how? She told them how she could help patients – what did she say? She’s a holistic psychologist – what’s that? Those are the things that I’d want to know, not how you apply for a job by filling out applications. That whole section is flat writing. There’s no narrative structure, just generic exposition.

She didn’t know if they’d give her the job, but she applied anyway. She told them what she could do and they liked the idea so they hired her.

Doesn’t tell us anything specific to her or the situation. You’re being too distant from the character. If she told the doctors something about her skills that impressed them enough to hire her, then you should say what it was she told them so we too will be impressed by it. If you skim over it and just report it as being a great success without backing it up, it will read like you’re just making it up off the top of your head and couldn’t think of a good example.

Overall, the actual build up of tension and suspense is nicely handled, but all the incidental, day to day stuff is a little pedestrian.

Hi Kim, I think you've got a great story here, but you give far too much of it away in your LP! A lot of the mystery that the first few chapters would normally create, is ruined by knowing what happened to Charlotte. If I wasn't 'in the know', I would be racing ahead with this, trying to find out what has happened. So in terms of enticing a reader to keep going, I'd say you've nailed it. Being that I do know what's going to happen, I'm still interested to see how it all pans out.

I think it might be an idea to go back over your MS and check for repetition of words, particularly your character's names. I also think the dialogue feels a bit stiff and formal, especially between Nicky and Alex. I realise she's being professional, but she's also trying to put him at ease, which being so formal wouldn't really do.

Hi Kim. You commented on my book the other day so I thought I'd return the favor. I have only read the first chapter, however, but I would be willing to read more if you find my comments at all useful. I doubt they will be, since I've not been formally trained in writing or anything, but here goes.

First paragraph -- '....room was quite dark." the 'quite' feels extraneous, and if it's night, I'm pretty sure the reader knows it's going to be dark.

"Lying under the duvet like a corpse" just doesn't resonate with me. Corpses are dead. They don't have a beating heart, or nerve endings that work, they're just...there. If you want to indicate that she's become still, I'd just say that.

When Nicky saw the spirit, you stated she was waiting for the spirit to do something -- what was she expecting? I'd think Nicky would be the one to 'break the ice' or whatever, since I don't think spirits do a whole lot of talking.

You use the words "Nicky felt" A LOT. It really pulled me out of the narrative and distracted me to the point where I wanted to go back an count how many times you've used it. I won't do that, but I suggest you do. There's so many other ways to get the reader to know how Nicky was feeling, other than just saying, "she felt frustrated." "Nicky felt annoyed", etc. And plus, the reader knows it's Nicky who is doing the 'feeling' since the narrative revolves laregly around her, as she's the MC.

When she is trying to connect with the spirit of the young girl, I just couldn't find myself connecting. Those paragraphs describing it felt faintly list-like. She wanted to cry -- a statement like that deserves expanding. If she was nearly brought to tears, it's something powerful, but you didn't describe it, and therefore I couldn't be in the moment with her when I think I should have been.

"where were you when I needed you?" That sentence threw me. It's a cat. What could Ruffles have done about all that? Nothing, I presume, unless he's psychic as well.

Great hook for the last chapter, and I thought it was very cool when Nicky knew the little girl was still on the earthly plane because she was alive.

I think it's a great premise, but I ought to point out that this sort of thing is done time and time again -- maybe if I read further in I'll discover a great twist.

Melissa

A splendid story and i shall read all

Hello Kim,

I read the first five chapters of your book and found much to savour; little to criticise. It's only when the prose is overly flowery that I find myself reaching for the secateurs, but that's certainly not the case here. You have an enviably clear and concise writing style.

I'll admit I gave a little inner groan at the start, thinking we were starting yet another book with yet another dream sequence. The fact that it turned out not to be a dream at all was a pleasant surprise to me, as well as a neat subversion of that cliche. I was intrigued from the off.

I'm not sure if this sounds oxymoronic, but I'd say that your greatest strength is subtlety. I noted little hints and harbingers of the impending tragedy throughout the text. Nothing too grandiose or heavily signposted, just little tattletail signs and slight machinations that move the plot froward at an unhurried and well-considered pace.

You're also very adept at considering the nuances of human relationships, all those words that go unspoken, sacrificed for the greater hope of securing a prolonged peace. I like that all the characters so far presented have flaws as well as strengths.

I enjoyed the quiet assurance of the excerpt I read. All the best with it.

Dave

I'm very drawn to the premise of this story and think you both your long and short pitch were very strong. You have a good sense of pace and the end of the first chapter works very effectively as a hook. If I were to make any suggestions, it would be to make Nicky's experience with the child more shown rather than told. There is one part where you describe the child's face - totally wonderful - but I could have felt Nicky's reaction more.
I will certainly read on - How does a father deal with accidentally killing his own child, after all? You see, I am hooked.
Best,
Kate

Pain

One - The opening paragraph is excellent. There is one thing that I would change about it, though. You don’t seem to really commit to the observations. For example, “Every nerve in her body seemed to be tingling…” I would take out “seemed” and just say was. Another would be, “…making her look older and far less attractive than she was.” I would eliminate the word “look”. And finally, “Nickly felt annoyed…” I think “was” would be better. Your words work, but they seem removed from the subject and pull the reader out of the story. I would look at all the places you use versions of the word “feel” and either think of a more descriptive verb, or just eliminate it altogether and let the description just be what it is.

That minor point aside, I am thoroughly hooked by the end of chapter one, and desperate to meet Alex Brady and his family.

Two – I am totally into the story by the start of chapter two. I like the session Nicky and Alex have together. “Healing” sounds silly to me, but it was described well and kept my interest.

Three – Great characterization of Tina and Charlotte. My one nit-pick in this chapter is that you use the names too often. Since the chapter is mostly about Tina’s point of view, I think you could refer to her as “she” by the middle/end (where it gets the most repetitive).

Four – I hate to nit-pick (again) but I would remove, “…viewing it as over sentimental” from the sentence when Alex and Charlotte hug. I think the first part of that sentence says enough, and would be much more telling without the second half.

What a heart-breaking chapter!

Five – The fight is really well-developed. I was surprised to find myself actually sympathizing with Tina as well as Alex. The dialogue is realistic and the pace is working well for me.

I’d be happy to come back for more. I think this novel has a great start and is definitely something I would enjoy reading. After the first chapter or so, you really seem to find your voice. I didn’t feel myself being kicked out of the narrative or jolted around the way I had at first.

I wish you luck with this,

-Katy
The Promenade

Pain has a unique plot supported by an interesting cast of characters, engaging dialogue, and vivid descriptions. The conflict between Alex and Tina is compelling and pulls the reader into their family drama--overall, this is a very well-written story.

Hi Kim, this is a strong story and you draw your characters with great care. I felt for Alex who has to endure his wife's cantankerous attitude while he loves his daughter and gets on well with her. Isn't life just so cruel? I was glad to find that he will be able to unload his problems to a knowledgeable person who is willing to help. Just a nitpick : the change of fonts after a few chapters was a bit distracting.
Highly starred.
Ame

Hi Kim,
this is great stuff, I usu don't fancy anything paranormal/ghostly but you had me hooked from the first paragraph with this (I can tell you write short stories - no faffing about!!). Lovely smooth writing and you really intrigue and hook the reader in.
If there's any slight crit (and I'm scrambling around for one), it would be that you don't need the back story explanation in the paragraph starting "Nicky had been able to receive..." there's another explanation para in there too somewhere, but as you write so well, they really aren't needed. We believe the story from the beginning and buy in to it. You don't need to explain it. In fact it's more mysterious and magical if you don't.
I have highly starred!
All the best,
Sharda.
P.S. I think we were doing a reading swap, so take a look at mine when you get the chance. I'd be curious to hear what you think.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

This gets better as it goes along,but I really would review the first chapter.

This gets better as it goes along,but I really would review the first chapter.

An extraordinary journey of human emotions set against their all too real expectations and a study in how life never quite turns out as we expect. I wonder just how much of this is truly 'fiction' as I see several scenarios that I recognize, but in the fictionalization here Kim, you hold the reader as each chapter unfolds and we genuinely want everything to be 'all right'.

While that rarely happens we all must learn to adapt but as I have noted above...adaptation takes many forms.

I see Kim that you can write and so for me you have passed part of the test. Unfortunately time does not allow me to read past chapter 7 but I will support your work because of the quality I have seen thereto. RT

The story of the first chapter is good,but stops and starts a lot. It might flow better if you used the word 'she' less. I counted 75 'she's'. I would try rewriting this and use the offending word sparingly. It jars.
Will read more.

Kim, what a delight it is to do a return read that's so enjoyable. I've read the first five chapters (and would've read them all if it wasn't for time). Every chapter builds the anticipation for the next, and you've gone into satisfying detail about the dynamics of the relationship between the three family members. I was very touched by the closeness of Alex and Charlotte, and horrified by Tina's cold obsessiveness. It's important to rouse the emotions of the reader, and you've done this brilliantly. Tina's unpleasantness borders on satire, but you've done it without quite going overboard, and this makes her behaviour believable. With the reader very aware that tragedy is around the corner, this is the single hook that makes the read compulsive.

In my job as a piano teacher, I teach (as it would happen) a seven year old girl. I really connected with the relationship dynamic between Alex and Tina with my experience of this particular husband and wife. The husband's main concern is whether she's enjoying it and having fun; while the wife's main concern is when she's going to take her Grade 1 exam. Hopefully the wife will avoid running her over, I need the cash!

Sorry to go off on a bit of a tangent there, but I mentioned that comparison to show what I felt to be an authentic state of affairs in certain relationship dynamics. You tell your story with great compassion, and you do it in a simple and extremely readable way. Many writers can write well, but you do this AND show an obvious ability to tell and structure a story.

I've spotted a few small things that I hope may tidy up certain parts (I'm no expert, but these are my personal opinions - I hope you find them useful).

Chapter 1:

"She felt like a TV (that was) not quite tuned into the channel." I'd omit the bracketted words.

"She swung the car into the car park." As you have 'car' twice in this sentence, perhaps you could substitute the word for the actual make of the car. Presumably it wouldn't be a Ferrari or Lamborghini(!) - but something that would hint at the type of vehicle a woman like Nicky would own. Maybe something small and functional like a 'Corsa' or 'Mini?'

"He shifted in his chair(,) as if (he were) getting ready to tell her a story." I'd say the comma and bracketted words were unnecessary.

"The feeling of dread (that) she'd experienced that morning(,) returned with a vengeance." Again, I'd omit 'that' and the comma.

Chapter 4:

"Why do you argue?" The question took him by surprise and for a second he panicked.' I think perhaps you could add a smidgen of suspense here by finishing this sentence with something like; "...and for a second he panicked; revealing a tell-tale hesitation."

Chapter 5:

I'd change '21st century' to 'twenty-first century.'

"She smiled(,) but the smile..." I'd also suggest a slight restructuring with this sentence: "She smiled, but Alex could see it was forced. He knew it was going to take all his patience..."

"...giving the doll a running commentary on everything (that) they passed."

"...and long plumes of breath escaped from their mouths..." I'd be tempted to change 'breath' for 'vapour.'

I hope you don't find these suggested improvements too picky. I rarely go into detail with crits, but your writing and storytelling is of a high standard that deserves to do well.

This is staying on my watchlist. A generous sprinkling of stars as a matter of course, and a very serious consideration of a backing when I next reshuffle my shelf.

One of the very few examples of writing on this site that has roused my emotion and interest. Hats off to you Kim - you may well be putting Blackpool on the literary map!

Pete

What a great idea for a premise and ghost stories are always popular. After reading your four opening chapters, I have to admit I am not champing at the bit to continue. I was surprised with the opening chapter, I expected it to be with the family, I am not sure what it adds by having the psychologist upfront (the opening scene is rather ordinary - a medium is woken by a distressed child). For me the opening should be about building the tension, so the reader is on tenterhooks waiting for the accident to happen. Chapter one was a bit of info-dump and scene setting. Case Histories (Kate Atkinson) is a good example of building this tension up before the terrible 'thing' happens. I didn't find myself warming to Alex either, unfortunately, as he seems a bit wet from the word go and allows Tina to stifle their daughter. I am struggling to see why he would want a child with her, and why she would give up work to look after this child. I know you are not going to be pleased with this review - but I can only give you my honest opinion - and honestly, this needs some serious restructuring to make the reader care about Alex and Charlotte, so that when she is killed, the reader is as devastated as Alex. I would hold off introducing the psychologist until after this, rather than have Alex already seeing her first. Not sure why her seeing the child before accident is relevant (but as she doesn't stop it), then I would suggest this extra complication is not needed. The story is a really good one, just not sure you've worked out the best way to tell it. Also watch Charlotte's voice - for 7 year old she seems rather grown-up and didn't sound authentic - listen to some kids of that age to pick up their speech and thought patterns, which are very different from adults. Soz again for being negative - it is just my opinion and others may disagree. Juliet

Very heart-wrenching crucible for a premise. This makes for the best kind of drama.

Regards,
Rian Torr
New London Masquerade

There’s an awful lot to like here, Kim. I’m a huge fan of Alice Sebold’s ‘The Lovely Bones’ and there’s much about your work – the contrast between the mundane, everyday world and the supernatural, the corrosive power of parental guilt/blame etc, the importance of acceptance and forgiveness, the idea of spirits stranded in some kind of limbo etc - which reminds me of Sebold’s novel. No bad thing in my book!!

The prose itself feels very polished with a good mix of simple and direct storytelling and more involved descriptive detail/character introspection etc. I noticed a few typos (eg ‘mind’s eye’ not ‘minds eye’, repetition of certain words in close proximity eg ‘pulled’, ‘implored’ etc) but nothing that interfered with my enjoyment of the novel. You may want to think about editing out anything that even resembles a stock phrase or cliché (‘sweep over her like a tidal wave,’ ‘despite her best efforts’, ‘comparative sanctuary’, ‘returned with a vengeance’) as they tend to undermine the persuasiveness of the fictional world you’ve so cleverly created. The dialogue feels real and purposeful and helps to drive the scenes forward as well as deftly fleshing out the novel’s various characters.

I like the shifts in narrative point of view from chapter to chapter – really good way to imbue the story with subtle dramatic tension, keep the reader on their toes etc. Occasionally, though (for example, in the early paras of chapter one) the narrative focus does seem to waver a little, making for a slightly disorientating read. At the start of chapter one, we seem to be very much in Nicky’s POV (experiencing what she’s experiencing, feeling her own emotions/thought processes first hand etc) but lines like Nicky describing the child’s frown as ‘making her look older and far less attractive than she was’ serve to shunt the reader out of this immediate, very personal POV into a much more distant, omniscient perspective. Similarly, Nicky referring to the receptionists at the surgery as ‘three female receptionists’ feels far too remote. Surely she’d refer to them by name?? A very minor point but, as a reader, these little shifts in POV do nag away at me, interrupting the otherwise terrifically involving narrative flow of the novel.

The various characters feel three dimensional and distinct and appear to work well off each other. I was a little confused in the opening chapter by Nicky’s reaction to the manifestation of the girl’s spirit in her room. To begin with she seems frightened (or at least ‘excited’ – ‘tingling’ etc) then she alternates between appearing annoyed or rather blasé about what’s happening before suddenly crying in empathy. In the rest of the book (I read up to chapter six) her reactions seem much more coherent and consistent but, initially at least, I found it very hard to get a handle on her attitude to her psychic ‘gift’. Just thought I’d mention it as the opening scenes of a novel are obviously terrifically important and it would be such a shame if readers were deterred by any lingering sense of confusion re Nicky’s character.

The chapters themselves feel very well structured with a good blend of action/character introspection/dialogue etc and nicely underplayed plot hooks at the end of the chapter to encourage a reader to read on. The plot as a whole sounds complex and multi-layered and, with its mix of drama, pathos, mystery, elements of the supernatural etc, should appeal to a broad cross-section of readers.

In short, a very well-structured, pacy, emotionally involving opening. Highly starred and on my watchlist for further reading. Thanks and best of luck. P

Hello , an interesting start which conveys a sense of tension extremely well and certainly encourages one to read on.Watchlisted and starred. Would you be able to look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes from Strachan Gordon

{Pain}

Kim,

I can't think of a truer title for your book. I have a 2 year old daughter and if I did something like this to her I litterally don't think I would be able to go on. But back to the book...

I love this! Your first chapter is extremely well written and thought out and the emotions running through Nicky as I read go straight through my heart. I love how you started with the appearance of the girl and then lead us to where Nicky does surgery! This is emotionally intense and it's interesting to read as Nicky realizes that the man she will be seeing is the father of the girl she saw in the morning! Very few books have taken ahold of me like yours on this site and I look forward to returning soon for a longer read! 6 out of 6 stars gladly given!

Have a wonderful read and thanks for a great lunchtime read!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. Thank you for taking the time to read part of my book as well!

Hi Kim, I've read your first four chapters and, despite the difficult subject matter, I have enjoyed it. You've really got inside Alex's head and it's very easy to be on his side. I'm curious about Tina. What made her like that? Is it just resentment of her child and what she has had to give up or is there something in her own past? You've done well to avoid making her into a caricature but boy do I want to slap her! The pacing is good, the plot, if tragic, is a good on - incidentally, this happened to one of my ex-neighbours - and it definitely makes me want to read on and I will do when I have a bit more time. It's well written, authentic dialogue, all the good things you need to make a really great book. Highly starred and will go on my shelf shortly.

Best wishes
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Kim:
I have read the first three chapters of your work. It is very emotional and sad for that child. You do an exceptional job at being able to look at a crumbling marriage through the eyes of a man. I can't help but wish he would slap the wife. Apologies as I do not believe in domestic violence but there ARE all sorts of abuse. I do not wish to take a page to pick the book to pieces, only to tell you that it is very well written and I am putting you on my WL and will finish it later. A return read would be appreciated.
Kindest regards
Shirley Grace
The Devil's Stepchild
Turnips and Tulips
Sinja

Kim,
I have read through chapter four.
This is a sad, sad book so far, and, based on your pitch, promises to be throughout. This, obvioulsy, is limiting for people who don't like to read very sad books that involve children. So you need to take my comments with a bit of salt.
Before I go on, I must remark that there are other books that I have not been able to stomach that have done quite well on the site. Dollywagglers in particular has a very graphic child abuse scene and I just could not handle it. Nevertheless, it has done very well. This is all to say, stick to your guns and don't be discouraged by these comments. I have small children and so this touches home particularly well.
The book starts with good promise, alluringly introducing a character haunted by the pain of others, but given the ability to heal. However, it gets so very depressing by chapter four that I found it hard to read on. I feel that if you must be quite this bleak you should first hook me by giving me more exposure to Nicky first.
I have a habit of not reading pitches until after I read a section- sometimes not at all. It gives away too much. Before I read your pitch, I thought that this was fundamentally going to be a story about Nicky. Instead, I see from the pitch that it is a story about Alex killing his lovely and tortured little girl. Chapters 3 and 4 were very painful to read, and, given the name of the book, I think you have succeeded in your mission.
Plot and Hook- I feel that your hook is well defined, with the eerie image of the little girl appearing to Nicky. This carried me through to chapter two, where you present Nicky with a patient. Although this later scene is much more subdued, it is still interesting (part of me wanted her powers to be more obvious and intense here, but that would have taken the book further into sci-fi territory.
As for plot, you have defined a clear plot arc that involves Alex being healed by Nicky, followed by perhaps a love story. This is a classic arc and so very comfortable and, were it not for the fact that you depressed me, would be enough to carry me through.
Character development- I found Nicky very well described in your short introduction of her. I get a strong feeling of her as a healer tortured by her visions. I am engaged, and, again, want to see more of her. Alex you also develop well, by presenting him in both home and at the surgery. He is a soft, almost weak man, who dearly loves his wife and daughter.
You manage to keep Tina from coming across as a caricature, which is impressive because it would have been easy for you to do. Although she is an exaggerated personality, she seems real in her madness. I think you achieve this by giving a bit, but not too much of her background, and making sure to be clear with the reader about how they fell in love.
Charlotte is a very believable little girl, and you convey only too well how quickly she is able to shift between her role as scared little creature to a happy child in the outing with her parents at the park. Your description of the park scene pulled at my heartstrings- I knew she was up for a big disappointment, and, of course, you delivered.
Writing- I did not take notes as I read this, so I can only say, generally, that I found the writing to be very good. Your style is effective and concise, and you show good mastery.
All in all, I think you are being very successful, but your subject mater is very hard. As far as marketability is concerned, or even success here, it will greatly depend on how many wimps like me who cannot stand to read about a mistreated child. If you wanted to lure a reader like me you could, again, focus much more on Nicky and her healing, hinting at Alex' pain with small flashbacks, and keeping these depressing moments for later, when I am committed to the story. Even then, I would keep them to a minimum, making sure that the story is more about healing than about the pain.
Again, this is just my opinions, so you stick to your guns. I am staring this well because the faults I find are not with the book, but with the subject.
Best of luck with this,
Maeve

Hi KIm. I've read 7 chapters. The idea is rich with possibilities and I think the exciting part of the story has only just begun. I would have liked the opening paragraphs to be more of a tease - you could have set up the meeting between Nicky and the little girl as if she was real, maybe Nicky's daughter, or there could be some kind of communication, some ambiguity,, instead of spelling it out for us immediately that Nicky is a psychic. I felt the scenes between Tina and Alex showed Tina to be so heartless, it seemed impossible that someone as empathic and loving as Alex could have fallen for her, But I will certainly come back and read on. Thanks. Frances.

~Pain~

Wow!! What an original concept! I couldn't help but visualise Pain as a film. It reminds me a little of Things Fall Apart (the accidental killing of a child). It's a gritty and emotive relationship drama.

Great work! 6 stars!

Iman xxx

Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

Here are just a few suggestions:

***CHAPTER 1***

● 'Her young face becoming distorted like [a] reflection in a hall of mirrors.'

● Perhaps show that Nicky is a little startled to see Charlotte's ghost?

● 'Nicky watched as the figure...' This needs to be a new sentence

● 'She stared into the face of a young girl [who] looked about seven years old.'

In the early chapters i read, my first impression was that you were taking a long time to say things that could have been said a lot quicker. In the opening paragraphs, you dwell a little on describing things like the room when the scene had already been set.
In the session with the Holistic Psychologist, i had a problem with how Nicky spoke to Alex. She seemed a little condescending. Is this how HP's talk to their patients? Maybe it is, but it seemd a little cliched at times.
Much better was the family dynamic. I thought that perhaps the Mum could be a little more sympathetic. There were times when i felt you were coming really close to establishing her as a really conflicted, confused mother, who was struggling with motherhood but trying to do her best. But then sh'ed say or do something thst demonised her a bit too easily. She could be a very strong character though.
I had to stop reading at this point, as i know what's coming. I had my second baby a week ago, so reading stuff where a father kills his own daughter is a bit much fir me at present. I think, in short, you could benefit from an editing on the first chapter or two. And if you could make the mother slightly more sympathetic, and less like a baddi, this would benefit you greatly, but i do think it's potentially a very strong, emotionally powerful book, which i've given high stars to.

I just completed the second chapter and have a few questions, before I continue on. First off, I really like the story so far, and am especially intrigued by the healer and her new patient. I assume you are targeting a global audience, so I have a few questions from my American point of view. I wondered whether the therapy/ healing sessions are going to have any financial affect on Alex and his wife. In the US services like that are not fully covered, which can create additional stress and possible deterence for seeking such experimental therapy (in his mind). Also, if the treatments cause any financial strain, it could be another reason he is hiding it from his wife. The reason I wonder about cost is that Charlotte has only ever been to the dentist once in her seven years, and now she needs a tooth pulled. It is customary here to start dental visits as soon as a toddler has a full set of teeth, and to return once a year. That's what made me wonder if it's a money issue for them, and why the mother feels ashamed that her young daughter has a bad tooth (due to negiligence?). Health care can be an extremely touchy subject in this country, and folks often skip needed care due to money restrictions. Not sure what the health care issues are in this story...
Caitlin Avery, Lightning in my Wires

I just completed the second chapter and have a few questions, before I continue on. First off, I really like the story so far, and am especially intrigued by the healer and her new patient. I assume you are targeting a global audience, so I have a few questions from my American point of view. I wondered whether the therapy/ healing sessions are going to have any financial affect on Alex and his wife. In the US services like that are not fully covered, which can create additional stress and possible deterence for seeking such experimental therapy (in his mind). Also, if the treatments cause any financial strain, it could be another reason he is hiding it from his wife. The reason I wonder about cost is that Charlotte has only ever been to the dentist once in her seven years, and now she needs a tooth pulled. It is customary here to start dental visits as soon as a toddler has a full set of teeth, and to return once a year. That's what made me wonder if it's a money issue for them, and why the mother feels ashamed that her young daughter has a bad tooth (due to negiligence?). Health care can be an extremely touchy subject in this country, and folks often skip needed care due to money restrictions. Not sure what the health care issues are in this story...
Caitlin Avery, Lightning in my Wires

Hi Kim, just read the first six chapters. The pitch and tone of the first chapter set me up for the story to come, but I was still riveted by the environment this family live in. The coldness, formality and sterile nature of Tina's relationship with Charlotte is very clear, whilst Alex struggles to cope with his wife's domineering nature. Having Nicky come in as his healer, as well as the psychic, is a nice touch. I cant imagine how Alex will come to terms with what has happened, or how it will affect he and Tina individually, but also as a couple, given how much trouble the marriage is already in.

One thing I stumbled with was that in one chapter the whole crux of the row and Charlotte's upset is that Tina has thrown her rag doll away but the opening of the next chapter has her cradling the doll whilst sleeping and it is as though she is afraid it may be snatched away from her.

From what I've read so far this looks like it will be a very emotional book with lots of development for the characters.

Hello, Kim-

In chapter one the reader gets quickly drawn in- well done! Fear is the culprit which gets the reader's attention- Nicky awakens with a start. Something, or someone, is standing there. A real girl? The questions lingers in the reader's mind until we find out it's an apparition. But why? The reader gets re-involved on the way to the clinic, finding out about Nicky's psychic powers, etc. This is the beginning of a book which may end up called a 'page turner.'

My only problem is with the words. Don't get me wrong, you have a good way with words, an excellent way with words. But there are too many of them! For example in the opening two sentences, how about, "Nicky woke with a start. Every nerve in her body tingled, alive with the sense that something, or someone, was in the bedroom." That saved nine words.

Also, I'd dispense with many of the intensifiers. Instead of saying, "The room was quite dark," I'd say, "The room was dark." You might also want to consider the overuse of "seems' or "seemed."

But, all in all, the beginnings of a great story. Six stars for its potential.

Best of luck with it, Kim. I'm going to watch it closely.

Dan Carroll
SlumAuthor

This is a fantastic beginning, and knowing the gist of the story, (based on your LP), I am totally sucked in by what is clearly about to become an intertwined relationship between this woman and the people she is *hopefully* going to help. I have no critique for your writing, it is tight and clear, and pushes me to want to read more. I will definitely keep reading, but I wanted to leave a comment that might entice other readers to check out your story. Nicely done, I give this high stars and will keep you posted on any other comments I have as I work my way through your chapters. Caitlin Avery, Lightning in my Wires

PAIN
This story has a great beginning: a psychic visit from a good girl. It’s a good way to introduce Nicky’s powers as well as make her a likable and sympathetic character because she’s so concerned about the young girl. I like your writing style; it’s clear and easy to read; makes a reader want to delve more the story. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi Kim,
A return read (and my apologies for taking so long).
I love the idea behind this book. The family torn apart by grief and blame, with a touch of OCD/perfectionism in Tina that I can strongly identify with! Throw in a psychic healer and you've got an original and potentially marketable idea.
Saying that - there are some things that need to be looked at before the manuscript would be considered by an agent/publisher.
1. Punctuation. Watch where you use apostrophes and read everything out loud to see where you need to add commas (as well as standard places, such as before a name in conversation).
2. Pitch. I think you need to introduce Nicky earlier in your pitch because the first chapter is from her POV. She's added almost as an aside in your LP.
3. Over-used words. Especially "that" and "feel/feeling/felt". If you do a basic search in Word for felt, you'll find it appears waaaay too many times (I lost count of the number of times I saw it in Chapter 4). It's a filter word and distances the reader from the POV of whichever character you're telling the story from. I'd recommend a free online tool www.prowritingaid.com to hunt out all those overused words and find ways of rephrasing them to keep the pace flowing. (I'm not being paid to advertise them - I just think it's a great tool and I know it's helped me tighten up my own work).
4. My one niggling nit-pick is the fact that Charlotte is 7 but doesn't appear to go to school or be home-schooled. I don't know if this is deliberate (a sign of Tina's need to control her daughter and her illogical/pathological fear of germs), but I feel some explanation is required as to why she doesn't go to school. It can only stregthen the irrational behaviour of Tina, especially if you have Alex bringing it up with disapproval.
I'm keeping this on my WL with a view to reading further. I think this has the potential to do well, and it's the kind of book I'd pick up based on the pitches.

Very intresting and unique story you have written her. I absolutely admire your smooth flowing storytelling abilitie. You trulu are a gifted writer, and I wish you much success with this winner here,

Dear Kim,

You have a remarkable way of weaving a story! The opening is strong, and the interest is immediately heightened as the reader can't help but wonder why Alex has sought Nicky's help. Alex is highly sympathetic right from the beginning by the mountain of stress and nervousness you have created around him. As the story begins to unravel, this sympathy for him multiplies dramatically. The descriptions surrounding the household (including the "oppressively silent home," the "symphony of anger," and especially Charlotte's "ache to be normal") leave the reader with a sense of urgency for Alex and Charlotte. Tina's coldness and distance are in clear contrast to the warmth between father and daughter. From the dentist office to the ragdoll incident, Tina's sterile icy demeanor seems to be screaming for warmth and love. In just a few short chapters, you have portrayed some of the deepest hurts within human beings. And you have portrayed them well. The reader can actually feel pain...deep pain coming right off these pages. Starring this highly today and hope to come back to read more. A job well done!

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

Kim,
I have read through ten chapters and I must say the story is endearing and heartbreaking. This makes us see a world that exists where perfection and demands of a controlling mother drive a family to the edge. The descriptions are done well and the reader is drawn into the dilemma of a young seven year old child caught in the middle of crisis. It shows us how adept children really are, seeing situations very clearly in the adult world.

The beginning of the book, describing the main character, you introduce her gift well. It draws a reader into wanting to know how she’d focus this incredible power. I enjoyed the way the child is introduced in the story and the sense of dread it creates. As we get to know the father, I can almost visualize his defeated position in life, trapped in a horrible controlled marriage…at home as he struggles to remember the wife he married and who she’s become. The resentment of losing her career and becoming a mother against her will, makes me ask…why didn’t she return to her practice? A solicitor has years of education to achieve their goal and in this day n age, I was left questioning. I would’ve liked a bit more explanation since it didn’t seem realistic, especially with a child of seven. Perhaps you could expand somewhat…many professional women take a break and return eventually to their careers.

There is a ton of narrative that needs a bit of trimming in the first chapters…this would pull a reader along faster….there is a lot of telling not showing in the first bit. As you move deeper into the story the writing becomes more flowing and fluid. Punctuation needs to be sorted and dialogue should be separate with proper quotations used.

All in all a very good story and very hard to put down as the reader anxiously wants to know the fate of that small child stuck in unhappiness and an abnormal upbringing. We can almost picture her living a dolls life and the cruelty she endures at the hands of her mother.

Starred and backed for a spell on my shelf…good luck with this winning storyline!

All my best
Wendy

Dear Kim

I have read most of the first four chapters of "Pain" with real interest. I am drawn into some of the scenes you set, especially those around the familial conflict, though I find it difficult that Tina is so hard on her child. Those scenes feel very realistic to me.

You have a great style, well paced, with interesting plot and well written scenes. I hope you persist with writing: in your stories there is much to reward the reader.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Hi Kim,
I read the first three chapters. You write smoothly, and starting the tale from a slightly external place in the narrative worked well, I thought.

I did wonder, however, whether your two protagonists - Alex & Tina - weren't a little polarised to be interesting for me. (I do like my heroes flawed and my villains human...) Tina is painted in purely black tones, while Alex is - aside from being a little weak - the untarnished hero. Would a woman like Tina really have given up her career because she'd had a baby? In these times? I wasn't quite convinced.

One little point of presentation. When you have a character speak, then a piece of prose, then more dialogue by the same person, it is all in the same paragraph. You only normally start a new paragraph when a new person speaks. Occasionally it's not immediately clear who's speaking - though it says something for your writing that it doesn't take long to work it out from the 'voice' of the speaker.

Hope this is a little useful. You've chosen a difficult subject :)

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Six stars and on my watchlist awaiting promotion. This is a brave and original story which, as well as being a good read, would make a compelling television series. I wish you the very best of luck with it. Yours Bea

Well done Kim!
I enjoyed 'Pain' It was very intelligent and it had a splendid plot. I also think I had learned something from reading it.
So much thanks!
Rob Slimm
Slickswitch

this is a very, very unique novel. i have never seen anything like this. i really liked your short pitch- its intriguing and dramatic. your first chapter is interesting and different. one thing i would like to suggest is maybe breaking down your paragraphs. since its more description heavy, i find it makes an easier read if the paragraphs are a little smaller.

hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

That's a bloody great start to a book!

And I loved the drama of knowing there's a life of death situation to be tackled, being followed by feeding the cat. I really enjoy writing that surprises me.

I haven't read as much as I'd like but this is absolutely the sort of novel I'd pick up in a bookstore.
Stars now and a backing to come as soon as my shelf's free.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

This is a very popular sub genre and your subject matter certainly strikes a deep emotional chord. Two of our traditional worst nightmares, Ghosts and the death of a child. This is not something I would normally read, (I leave the room when the females in my family watch Ghost Whisperer) but I can see the target audience being totally absorbed.
I think you could reduce the amount of back story in this first paragraph IMO. Nicky felt frustrated, Nicky knew from an early age etc. There are occasions when you could lose some words eg Nicky was more than a little disturbed. Perhaps 'Nicky was disturbed'?
Every nerve in her body seemed to be tingling. Why not 'was tingling'? Is there some doubt? Unless you are attempting to create a sense that she is undecided how she feels, tell it like it is IMO.
'She quickly started to receive' Probably do not need quickly, and 'receive images' I get, but it sounds a bit like a TV signal. Perhaps there could be more of her 'sensing and feeling'.
I am no expert so see what others say and trust your own judgement. I think you have written a story with a large audience potential. I wouldn't be in the least surprised if a publisher decided to invest in the idea to develop a franchise character in Nicky.
Good luck.

"I was on my way to his chambers after a difficult service up at the cemetery. A five year old boy crushed under the wheels of his mothers 4WD. A funeral is always sad but sometimes the wake can be a cathartic even joyous release of the grief burden; ensuing months and years heal and soften the scar, but when you have killed your own child by accident the burden is never lifted, it is borne until you die, and everyone around you knows it."
(When I returned your read it reminded me of a small passage in my own book.)
Norton

This is a wonderful story. It's well written, its unusual, and its full of emotion.
I thoroughly enjoyed it right from the pitch onwards.
The psychic healer had me turning the pages.
Six stars
Junetee(Four Corners)

I've finished all the chapters uploaded! And I loved it! You are a great writer! I've added your book to my WL, not to read if of course, but to back it when I have an open spot on my shelve!
Well done!
rated six stars!
Alret
Everlasting

Your novel is very emotional and real. The beginning was well written and it drew me in.

There's a lot to like about this. It packs an emotional punch and I like the idea of the hauntings tied in. There is so much more to it than I originally thought. You've got a wonderful story here, one that drew me from the very beginning. The writing is strong as are the characters. I'd love to see where this went after the 3 chapters I read. I'll come back when I have time. For now, it's getting tucked away on my watchlist and starred. I enjoyed this book and wish you luck with it.

Missy

What a great pitch! I'd love to hear any thoughts you would have on improving mine. I really liked the prose and dialogue. It seemed natural, emotional, and real. I loved it. My only comment would be at the very beginning you say she woke with a start, then something woke her. It is obvious that something woke her, if she woke with a start. Perhaps elaborate a little more or cut the second sentence? Just something to think about. In general, very well done. Many stars for you and looking forward to seeing where this goes!

Best,

Ashley
"Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket'

I was surprised by this story. From the pitch I was expecting something totally different. The idea that she saw images of ghost and felt what they felt is a genius idea. I love haunting stories like these. I wish Nicky would have tried speaking to the girl but maybe she knew they couldn’t speak back. I don’t know. Whatever the case I liked how it was done. I do think you should end the chap just before the surgery/change of scene. I know it would make the chap REALLY short but it might work well. Then chap 2 will be equally short and this will create a nice flow and get the reader to want ton keep on going with the story. It’s just a short read each chap right? Why not.

I love the end bit and her talking to Dr Paige about the little girl. Brilliant. This whole chap was just perfect. 6 stars. I wouldn’t give it any less.