The Immortality Game

Pardon my French, but holy $#@! this is amazing! I just read what you have posted and was quite sad when I got to the end. Fast-paced and exciting with a great premise and so many sticky moral dilemas! What is life? What is intelligence? Is Jorge sentient or a convincing imitation? If he were transfered to a clone body, would he be alive then or would that clone be a new imitation? And the idea of New Eden if fascinating - would it be worthwhile to spend a lifetime on a ship so that your descendents could live in a new world?

In my opinion, raising questions is what the best of sci-fi is all about, and clearly you've done lots of that, so great job there! I also find it interesting how you depict the Western US as a Mormon-ruled theocracy - quite an interesting what if there. I think it's great how you blend elements of the familiar world we live in with the speculative future you've created. The character dynamics are also very interesting - how Zoya goes from an average woman to a fugitive in the blink of an eye and how she handles it. I'd love to see how she and Marcus, who seems very much an obedient daddy's boy, interact...

The only critique I have is that I feel as though some parts lack physical descriptions of the characters and surroundings, so it's hard to visualize what's going on in some scenes. But other than that, it's very well-written and flows well... I'm so bummed I can't finish it!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

Hi Ted,

This was one of the books I read whilst thinking about returning to Authonomy, I backed it as soon as I did and I've been bumping your threads since I've been back - thought it was time to say why...

The short answer, of course, is because I like it. It had a grip-you-by-the-throat plot that keeps up momentum from one chapter to the next. A must-read, in other words, and my main gripe is that you've only uploaded 21k or so. Addicts require fixes, you know!

More seriously, I like the extrapolation of current trends into the future - the life online seemingly more real than reality (well, any of us on Auth. can understand that); the layering of society between the haves and have-nots; the intermeshing of religion and politics. Then there's the philosophy: what is it to be alive? Is Jorge alive? Is Marcus' mother alive? No answers yet. I can live with that - these are not trivial questions. I also like your characters... Zoya, so alive despite her dealings with the dead, plunged into a world of violent thugs and keeping up; diffident, cautious Marcus; clever Jorge, seemingly a puppet-master for his son (interesting dynamic there); the scientists striving to push back the boundaries in an uneasy alliance with the military who, of course, just want a superior weapon. Perhaps most of all I liked the sense of place - the way Moscow was woven into the narrative. You know Russia and that knowledge shines through the text - a seamless mesh of reality and imagination that I can relax into and enjoy.

There are a few trivial nits of course. Real chimps, being apes like us, have no tails. Robotic, genetically-enhanced chimps may have tails, of course, but it seems, to me, unlikely. I have a personal prejudice against the use of brandnames in fiction, particularly futuristic fiction. It's not just the free advertising (though that does bug me) but because it can date a novel or film - consider the 'PanAm' signs flashing in 'Bladerunner'. And, for me, a building has several 'storeys' not 'stories'. As I said, trivial.

So I'll keep bumping this. And keep hoping you post more. When you get to the stage of needing beta-readers for the whole, do, please, bear me in mind: not only is Auth. not the place to do detailed readings but I want to know what happens!

Best wishes, Harriet

Hi Ted,
when your book was recommended to me, I was certain I'll find something interesting, but in no way I expected to find something this remarkable. I was sucked right in, and couldn't get enough, and this doesn't happen very often to me on this website. Of course, I'm not gonna lie and say it didn't have anything to do with the fact that I'm both Russian and a sucker for post-apocalyptic, but everything in your book punches you in the face and screams "keep reading!" This is like the bastard son of Night Watch and Repo! The Genetic Opera, that inherited the best genes of them both. Loved it, backing it again as I'm sorry to see it drop in ranking.

Elena Y.

This is really fabulous. Very well written. Everything flowed. I felt as if I were reading a professionally published novel. I read through chapter five. You held my attention completely and kept me interested and turning pages.
I would love to see this in print. Great execution. Interesting characters. A believable treatment and description of a futuristic world. I hope I get to see this make the ED. It deserves it.

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

Ted,
What a ride. Through futuristic Russia even. The action moved quickly with your cuttingly clear prose and informative dialogue. You have an economy of words that cuts to the chase, wasting nothing. I'm rooting for both Marcus and Zoya, and waiting for the inevitable moment when they meet. Certainly, your social commentary on the conditions in Russia and America is a thought-provoking backdrop. Thank you so much for the compelling read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Ted,

I happened upon your book via a science fiction thread and just read chapter 1. Though it is short, it has a gripping jolt to kick it off. The reader is left asking a bunch of questions, pirmarily why Zoya reacts the way she does to her brother's appearance with the package. What has he done before? Is this the first package? What has Georgy done this time to get himself into trouble?

I also appreciated how you didn't try to explain the whole setting right away. Obviously Moscow in the future has history that we don't yet know about. We don't know its politics, culture, or relation to the rest of the world. I think many sci-fi, fantasy writers try to create the world for the reader right away, and they at least lose me. To me, character development is far more important, because I can better relate to it. On the other hand, setting affects character, and this should be implemented in their character immediately. I hope that this is the case, and that further reading will also reveal more about the setting. I will definitely continue reading.

Keep it up.

Mark Stay

It's a joy to read inspired scifi like this. It's a good set up with strong characters and the conflicts and excitement grabbed my attention early on. It's a bit like the Caprica miniseries with the replication of brains of the departed.

You've done well here and I will back it. Good luck getting published.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Cool introduction with Zoya painting up a corpse. The pace flows well, dialogue is strong and you fleshed out the world the characters inhabit well. You also do a great job foreshadowing and building tension.

You could break up the first paragraph. The question about who would want to work with an embalmed corpse should be separate or some transition to make it flow better. This is minor grammatical items and in no way takes away from a great story.

I will read on and provide a more thorough review.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Okay this is really, really eerie!
You have a talent for writing this with a creepy word use. Also you are good at surprises for the readers.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

This is a SF42 Review. (have read up to the end of chapter 8)

I really liked the premise of this book and found myself immersed in a realistically grubby future.
It made sense for it to be set in Russia and the characters generally worked well. I liked how the technology wasn’t perfect and how some advance were now old and beginning not to work, (the cable in the taxi for example) this gave the story a gritty realism sometimes lacking in contemporary Sci Fi writing.

The style of writing flows well and the conversations that take place are well structured and flow easily.
The writing style is good and I couldn’t/ wouldn’t offer any improvements on it.

There were some plot issues that irked a little, nothing major just enough to make me tut.

My issue 1;

Zoya seems a little dense, for example she has worked out not to go to her mother so not to endanger herself and her mother, so she goes to a close family friend and phones? And then is surprised that they have worked out where she is so easily.

Issue 2

The character of Pig was a touch clichéd as well.

Issue 3

The relationship between Geog and Zoya seemed a little odd, very close and not at the same time.

Issue 4

Two Sashas? Led to a small moment o checking back at a previous chapter, not worth having different 1st names for the sake of thick readers like me?”

I will read on and am backing the book as it is very well written and deserves to do well! I hope my comments are helpful.

James

This is definitely my kind of book. I would buy this in a heart beat :)

Michelle

SF42 review

This is a very well-written thriller. In terms of technique, you barely put a foot wrong.
You asked me to look at the book in terms of how it stacks up against published works.
I think that it is as good as it could be at being what it is. Whether that is good enough to get published, I don’t know - I guess it depends on the competition.
What I mean is, the only way to make it better and lift it above the pack would be to add something more.
If I were a hard-to-please agent who just picked up your manuscript from the slush pile, the opening scene would tell me (and the rest of what I have read bears out) that this is a very well written genre thriller. It has enough of a plot hook to get me into the story and the quality of the writing sustains it. What might bother me is the lack of any other non-plot-related hook. Both the characters, setting, and situation are fairly standard for this sort of book. If you really want to capture attention, you would need to add some sort of X factor or quirk.
What sort of thing? William Gibson is an author I like who writes in roughly the same genre - his stories usually have some sort of weird science thing going on. Perhaps you could extrapolate what you have in a new direction. I am also a big Raymond Chandler fan (not SF, but thrillers). In his case, it is all about the character. I think there is untapped potential in the dead father and his son. They have lived in unusual circumstances (by our standards), perhaps it could have interesting and unexpected effects on their behaviour.

A couple of specific comments
- In the opening scene you mention right at the beginning that Zoya is his sister. Information given that early is easily forgoten. I suggest you repeat it later in the scene, and/or when they next appear, e.g. by referring to him as ‘her brother’ or something like that.
- The scene with the ‘Pig’ during Zoya’s escape was the weakest. The character and (to a lesser extent) the situation stuck me as cliched and contrived. I am sure you can come up with something better.
- ““Please!” Zoya stretched a hand out toward the woman. “They have my mother. They’ll release her if you just take this package up to them.” She reached into her pocket to get the chips. Her hand found one, kept searching the pocket...nothing.”
Your writing is usualy very clear, but I got confused here. Did she have a package of chips with one missing, or just one chip? I had forgotten how many there were to begin with.

Hope this helps
Maurice

SF42

Hi Ted

I've read six chapters, and can find very little to say about it. My notes:

I don't like that comma in the second line - it seems to weak to break up the embalming fluid and the cold body. Perhaps a semicolon? I'm not the best at using them though, so I'm not sure.

I think the sentence 'Despite the tender warmth she always felt around him...' could be rewritten to read a little smoother. I'm not quite sure what it is about it, but it's almost like the two parts of the sentence are contradicting each other - even though they aren't.

Again, 'the location where he wanted her to go' doesn't read quite right. It wouldn't usually matter, but the rest is so well written, it stands out.

'...slot behind his left ear, let it slide back into the wall socket.' I've not come across this kind of writing before, and I'm not sure what to make of it. Personally, I don't think I like it - I'd prefer to switch this comma for the 'and'.

Would she sit down? If it was me, I'd probably be too full of adrenaline to sit down; especially with Tavik in the same building.

Well, that's it. This is clearly one of my shortest critiques. It is very well written, with an interesting premise. The action is well paced and, again, well written. There's practically nothing else to say about it.

I'll back it. Good luck with it :)

Hi, I've read up to chapter 6 but will be back to read the rest. Great plot, good writing style, surprised it's not on the Ed's desk yet.

Heya, Ted. I backed this on a strong first three chapters and a sound wielding of language, only to backtrack and realize your strength truly is in your dialogue. The themes are well received, such as good work in this genre often is, and as a child of the Western world, I appreciate the unfamiliar settings. The only suggestion I noted was that sometimes you use your characters names when it's not needed. Through context I could very well know who is speaking, or who performed what action. Trust in your ability to just let the characters do what they will and say what they will say. You've got a good ear and a good eye... they'll never lead you astray.

Cheers, and good luck in your literary endeavours!

Ted,
Did Zoya have foreknowledge of Mitt Romney's presidential bid? Her obsession with the idea that Mormons are poised to take over America certainly has the ring of truth in it. "The Immortality Game" is current and relevant to the sad state of affairs mankind has plunked itself into, what with the drug cartels, terrorist factions, rogue regimes and rightwing militias dictating how we should behave in general. Your wordcraft is ingenious, to say the least, the nuances of your dialogue and descriptives as delectable as a Mandarin's carefully laid-out dinner. This is a follow up to the comment I made last year.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

SF42 Feedback

Ted,

I've read the first six chapters. This is pretty much faultless writing. Clear, concise, flowing sentences drive a story that seems to be a Thriller in a Sci-Fi future-world. You build the story very well adding ingredients at just the right time to control the pace. Because the first two chapters don't have much physical action it's possible that you could lose a few readers at the start - A conversation in the morgue and a chat between a bloke and his computer-generated dad might be considered a bit static. Personally, I think you do enough to nudge us into ch. 3 where the physical action picks up. From then on you do a great job of cranking the pace up, apart from Tyoma's game sequence at the beginning of ch. 4. That section is quite a jolt to the movement of the plot. For a few pages I wondered if you'd accidentally added a chapter from a completely different book. I'm sure it's your intention to show us how utterly removed from reality a future gamer might become but it was a bit abrupt for me.

I scribbled a few notes as I read. There might be something of interest.

Bookcover – The only thing I took from the image was the idea of a future cityscape. No hint of whether it's a good or bad world.
Short Pitch – Good. It conveys a lot in a few words. Best bit for me is 'A dead man wants a new body'. I like that.
Long Pitch – Not sure you really need the first paragraph. Less is more.

Ch. 1 – Very quickly into the flow of the writing and reassured it's not going to be peppered with mistakes. The characters are carefully constructed.
For some reason the wired head connection really bugs me. Surely in 126 years time everything will be wireless. All those trailing wires.....it's such a health & safety issue. Imagine some clumsy oaf catching the wire and wrenching it out of your head....ouch! This is going to make me sound a right pillock but the word 'slot' doesn't seem quite right. Apart from a slight schoolboy snigger lurking at the back of my head it sounds such a crude word for such a technologically advanced idea. It sounds like it's an open socket...would it let the water in when it rains? I know that's a silly comment but I hope you get what I'm saying.
Ch. 2 – Love the 'soul – no soul' debate. I hope that's developed later on. I'd read on for that reason alone.
Marcus and his AI-Dad don't sound that different when they're talking.
Like the idea of 'meshing'....are you having a pop at people spending more and more time in a virtual world?
Ch. 3 – There's three sentences in a row that start with 'She'. Starting with 'She peered out of....'
Georgy's sudden change in attitude (when he blabs about his sister) is a bit perplexing. I wasn't expecting that. Didn't Tavik need any confirmation that Georgy was telling the truth before he slung him over the balcony?
This is getting quite exciting.
Ch. 4 – As I mentioned before, Tyoma's gaming experience is a bit too abrupt for me.
Ch. 5 & 6 – These chapters rattle on at a good pace and I found I switched out of 'review' mode and just enjoyed the story.

Good job. I'll back this soon when I can decide who to remove from my bookshelf. It's not an easy decision so bear with me.

Gareth

Hi, Ted. You threw me at the beginning of chapter four, I thought you'd mixed your books up for a minute. But of course I should have realised it was the ultimate role-playing game. I want one of them.
I really like this book, fast paced, atmospheric set in a dystopian world. The world you've created feels surreal and yet believable, if that makes sense, due mainly to the strenth of the characters. The writing flows well, the story is strong. I know it's a bit of a cliche but I could really see this story as a movie. The mesh addiction reminds me a little of the movie Surrogates

The Project Z Collective

SF42 Feedback

Hi Ted.

First off, this is very well written. I haven’t read the blurb on the site, but here is what I am getting from the narrative. This world is post-apocalyptic and in a bad way. Seems like the new drug is meshing. I can’t actually think up a better way of controlling a population in difficult times. Mindless, they are not a threat. Totally addicted people will not need much in the way of nutrition and will probably die before they would normally have done.

Someone has got a program to transfer the actual consciousness of a person into the newly grown body of a replica. This has now been stolen by Georgi’s gang and in turn by Georgi. They also appear to have been working on something for the military they have been stretching out for decades, despite it being finished.

Marcus ‘father’ obviously wants this chip very badly. I wonder how much of the real person would be left of him after the data base existence? I don’t think he is the complete person as he is putting Marcus in danger to get what he needs. Obviously, there is something in the new world worth living for.

Edit: Seems I wasn't so far out, which means you have done a fantastic job with the chapters.

Setting is great. I get a sense of where things are and how decayed, as well as the high tech. I think I could have done with a tad more in the Meshing scene, as I wasn’t sure exactly what the naked girlfriend was, except not real.

In this dystopia there is the possibility to live in a healthy state to a very advanced age. At a guess, I would say about thirty decades has been added to life. Of course, this would be for the wealthy and affluent, or the very useful. Not for the alcoholic Pigs in apartment blocks. Another sci fi element I am picking up on are the communication ports. Grins. Great minds obviously do think alike, although yours are slots and chips and mine are ports and umbilicus.

I guess the threat is the decay of the world and society. It seems the cops are bought by the gangs, so there would be no order. This makes Zoya the main character, along with probably Marcus. I am thinking these two will probably get together to figure out the chip. If it is proof of a soulless state, what would this mean for people? Are there still religious cults and organizations? Aside from a reference to the Mormons, I don’t see much sign of it, but there again, this is only an extract.

Hope this is of some use to you.
Starred and on my WL for the next available space.

Man, I was gonna read only 10 pages, today. That's it.....I swear that was my intend as I figured let me keep some of this book for my train reading, and spend my sick day off doing better things. Well, I FINISHED now this morning.
Man, from the moment Zoya is crossing the street afraid of thugs at the beginning of the book till the end. I had adrenaline pumping, flipping through pages, wanting to see what would happen next. Even the part of commanders talking, that COULD have been boring, were good. Great atmosphere and very thight, matter of fact probably the thighest book I've read recently, and not only authonomy, alot of our fellow published dream of such intensity.
*SPOILERS*
the second she starts kicking-ass with the use of the card and meets Marcus..
Well,
After all the angst you put through till page 91- my heart in my throat..
Man, you could have put some more page on it at the end, making me chill out more.
*****END SPOILER
Very good book. I giving it the highest of stars.
I'll back it (not now, bu in the near future).
*****
minor-minor-spoilers**
Like fact he camouflaged as a diplomat(liked the reference)
America as a theoligist country(mormons) maybe a reference : RIGHT-WING(maybe chirstian reference)-
GREAT READ.
For the record don't read sci-fi (steamish punk?). BUT if they're all like this.
The genre's got a new fan. I mean, I never really read them, cause I didn't want to read about someone describing a planet for 10000 hours...
But you, i didn't feel you described anything to me, you cleverly sneaked into me. EXCELLENT.
oh, only thing the TITLE is banal compared to what I have read.
P.S After reading yours DON'T read mine... you'll cut your veins in agony, how boring you'll find it.

Your writing definitely carries the reader into futuristic thought provoking dilemmas. It is fast paced and I agree with some others in wanting a bit more description of surroundings: colors, smells, clean lines of objects, just to paint the backdrop scenes. I love the quest the main character has though. Rated with many stars and watchlisted.
"The Celestial Proposal: Dare we Join the God-kind?"

I hate this genre! I love this book! Maybe I thought I hated this genre? :P

The quick pitch grabbed me. The first paragraph proved you are a writer. The first chapter told be to back this before it's too late and my backing can't help you anymore.

-Cassandra Porter
Love, Death, or the Gift of Happiness

This is great work. You've developed well-conceived characters in a vividly-imagined future.

I have little constructive feedback for you, and only one small niggle:

“It was in a deserted part of old Moscow; a crumbling wasteland where only the drunk or the dangerous ventured.”
Semicolons should only be used to separate two independent clauses that could function as full sentences on their own. I would replace this one with a colon or a dash.

I would have liked a little bit more of a description of the settings - I found myself wondering what the architecture and environment of the future was like, and would have liked a bit more sensory input to stimulate my imagination. Many people find that more than the bare minimum of description detracts from the plot and the pace, so I can see why you've limited yours. Personally though, as I say, I would have liked a little bit more.

Extremely well written and inspired, your story has earned its place on my shelf.

David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye

Other than to point out in your long pitch that story should be storey I enjoyed what I read.

In case anyone should wonder about this (given that it's not the first time someone has said this), it is actually 'story' in US English rather than the 'storey' of British English.

Other than to point out in your long pitch that story should be storey I enjoyed what I read.

I read your first three chapters today for the March Madness brackets contest.

General comments: Intriguing, captivating Science Fiction. Zoya is a formidible heroine. By the end of the first chapter I care how things will work out for her. The narrative is thought-provoking. The world building is thorough as well as unique. Deft descriptions. I'm there. Spiked with tension. Quick pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) '2:47PM' should be '2:47 p.m.' There are more cases of this type of problem.
2) Excellent opening line. It got my attention.
3) ' ... a rectangle of old-fashioned brown paper tied off with twine the way mother always did it. Capitalize 'mother.' When a kinship term is used as a name, it becomes a proper noun and is capitalized.
4) Good end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) Hyphenate 'forty two.'
2) 'But when all is said and done' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresher way.
3) Hyphenate 'forty five.'

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) 'Georgy felt Tavik's head nodding near his ear.' Try to avoid using the work 'felt.' Just describe specifically what he felt so realistically the reader will experience it along with Georgy. When you do this, the reader will be pulled deeper into your scene.
2) 'Georgy saw gray bits of brain in the mess, ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'saw.' Just describe what he saw so vividly the reader will experience it along with Georgy. By doing this, the reader will be plunged further into the scene.
3) Excellent end of chapter hook.

I hope these comments will help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Best wishes, Ted.

Al

The pace is so quick and there's so much going on that the momentum keeps you reading whether you want to or not. Choices, dilemmas and consequences come thick and fast so no chance of getting bored. There's a risk with these sorts of stories that the tech will get garbled and hard to understand, but that isn't the case here. There's enough variation to make things seem fresh, and it's presented in a clear and easy to grasp manner.

My only critical comment is more of a thought than an actual criticism. The opening chapter is very direct and read a bit flat.

He acts worried because he is worried. He tells her it's dangerous because it is dangerous. He says he needs her help because... And he seemed to tell her all the downside and none of the upside. Felt like he needed to give her a positive reason to risk her life. Problem is you may not want to reveal that reason to the reader yet, but you don't have to give the real reason to Zoya, just a reason, or some reassurance, maybe a promise of a better life for mother, whatever.

It's fast enough and the setting interesting enough for this not really to be a big deal, but I did think if the brother had a plausible sounding reason for wanting her to look after the package (rather than the truth), or if the way he convinced her to do it was a little more creative, it would both lift the scene and make him a more entertaining character, which would make his demise more impactful.

I aslo felt like I wanted the corpse she was working on to have a larger role in the scene, maybe in regards to what she was doing to it, or why, or how it died, or maybe she keeps working on it as they speak. Something to make it a more solid presence so that when she thinks of her brother in its place we have a more immediate picture of him as the corpse.

Anyway just some stuff knocking about in my head as I read. Free feel to disregard. A brisk, entertaining read.

Stories about everlasting life draw me in like no other (my favourite movie is Highlander and I adore Otherworld). You definately have a knack for the dramatic - Zoya running away from the mob was gripping.

Like your book. Highly rated and watchlisted. You might like Solian Chronicles: Pluto Genesis by MDWS77. It is VERY good. view book

Ted,

I've had your book on my watchlist for a while. Sorry it took me so long to read. I've read the first five chapters. This is amazing. The sci-fi elements were so easily slipped in without a lot of summary or backstory. You just plopped the reader directly into this unique world and I had no problem understanding it.

You've introduced quite a few characters and I'm interested to find out how they will connect. I felt sorry for Zoya when she had to leave her dying brother in the street and run for her life. Marcus is heading to Moscow so I'm sure they will meet up there. The characters in the cave are intriguing. I'm not sure how they are connected to Zoya and the danger. Are they good guys or bad? I'll have to keep reading to find out. I love your writing style and characterizations. I'll have to keep reading to find out what happens. Great job!

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

A Very well written book. You book has a sound pitch and a great way with dialogue and character. Highly rated and On my WL. Will back it very soon.

Pardon my French, but holy $#@! this is amazing! I just read what you have posted and was quite sad when I got to the end. Fast-paced and exciting with a great premise and so many sticky moral dilemas! What is life? What is intelligence? Is Jorge sentient or a convincing imitation? If he were transfered to a clone body, would he be alive then or would that clone be a new imitation? And the idea of New Eden if fascinating - would it be worthwhile to spend a lifetime on a ship so that your descendents could live in a new world?

In my opinion, raising questions is what the best of sci-fi is all about, and clearly you've done lots of that, so great job there! I also find it interesting how you depict the Western US as a Mormon-ruled theocracy - quite an interesting what if there. I think it's great how you blend elements of the familiar world we live in with the speculative future you've created. The character dynamics are also very interesting - how Zoya goes from an average woman to a fugitive in the blink of an eye and how she handles it. I'd love to see how she and Marcus, who seems very much an obedient daddy's boy, interact...

The only critique I have is that I feel as though some parts lack physical descriptions of the characters and surroundings, so it's hard to visualize what's going on in some scenes. But other than that, it's very well-written and flows well... I'm so bummed I can't finish it!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

So, I read the first two chapters of this, and I am very impressed. You don't just pull, you quite literally grab us by the hair and yank us into the mystery you've woven, starting from the very first paragraph. The writing here is very clean, straight forward, and to the point - just the way I like it!

It's adult in tone- including profanity, and the like, but never excessive. It's not that I don't like profanity, I think F-bombs well-place can spice up a story, but rather, it seems these days people like to use them every line, and they lose the effect. You definitely know what you're doing that regard.

Once I've finished commenting on all the other stories I promised to, I'm going to come back to this one for sure. The scifi twist here is hugely unique, and I adored it. I wonder if people will ever become like that? It would be kinda cool, and we wouldn't have to worry about losing our phones anymore :P

Very good read.

I believe you can tell a lot about a person by the music they like. With in a few paragraphs the writer tells us about a Russian girl's taste, but I suspect it's the author's taste as well… and a clue to his taste in style.

Zoya, saddled with a miscreant brother, meets Marcus and his virtual father in a dystopian future. At first, I thought Aldus Huxley, but this brave new world has its own rules and its own future.

I enjoyed the read and I hope this dystopia gets its comeuppance. Backed!

Dear Ted

I read the first three and most of your fourth chapters easily. This is easy writing to get into and the cleverness of your ideas, such as "meshing" make for a riveting read. You balance your characters well within the narrative. You work with a large canvas and there is little sign of weakness.

In the middle of your fourth upload chapter, there is a section ending, "as the scene froze" which seems to mark the end of a chapter or sequence. It could be made clearer?

All the best with this.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

The chapters are packed with a fast moving plot and fascinating imagination! Just long enough to take a breather :) The writing is impeccable, just about perfect editing. Excellent!
TDonna
No Kiss Good-bye

Ted, you've got an original idea developing masterfully through the first four chapters. It's where I stopped reading for the moment. You hooked me in chapter one, with a unique start...a makeup artist at a morgue, and dove right into the plot. The writing is superb. You have some unique words (I had to look up "voulge" :)). The endings are suspenseful. The short chapters flow at the right pace. You're great with dialogue, descriptions, creating the tension, establishing a sense of setting, and developing the characters.

Really enjoyed the first four chapters and will be back.
T. Donna Robison
No Kiss Good-bye

An intelligent, well-constructed thriller/SF/fantasy - I'm guessing at genres as I'm no expert in these fields, but it seems to me your world all fits together logically, and I could certainly follow the 3 MCs and their quests. My favourite character is Zoya, not sure why. I know you will knit these three strands together expertly. I guess what I'm not saying is that I couldnt get my emotions engaged - maybe its because I;m not a scientist and not really too bothered about techno advances. One thing though - surely by then they would have invented a way to addict people by chipping directly into their pleasure centres or wirelessly pulsing them with endorphins? Just a thought. Hope this useful - cheers, Frances of Dollywagglers.

Ted - your short and long pitches are captivating - nice job. Can you recommend a chapter that you would like me to review? Have you finished the novel?

My sci-fi book, Scarlet Begonias, explores immortality also. I'd be interested in any comments you could offer regarding my pitch (since you represent the audience I'm trying to reach).

Thanks,
Stephanie
www.scifisteph.com

Ted,
I like the world you are creating here. The only comment I have is about pace. Right now, the first two chapters move much too fast and I think it can be fixed with more detail of the surrounding world. Most of the time, futuristic novels or alternate realities involving the integration of technology and flesh (wetware) has a lot of detail in order to separate this world from that one to completely submerge the reader in the world they have created. This is what the first two chapters are missing. Work on the specific sound you want the reader to have in their minds when they hear the computer order the pizza, or even the look and feel of the ethernet cables that are plugged into the jacks of the people. Make some look better or worse than others. For a world like this don't be afraid to take your time. Chapter three begins to do this well it just needs to start out like this. This is a strong beginning with a focused plot, now just add the layers to make it a masterpiece.
Kenneth Rogers Jr.
http://kennethrogersjr.com

Hey Ted, I read the first chapter of your book and I had to back it. I was immediately struck by the cleverness of your idea that in the future, the classic rock of the present would be thought of as literally "ancient", and people like Lennon/McCartney and Plant/Paige would be anachronisms. I'll be reading more chapters of your book in the future, and I hope you upload more chapters. Check out my book Gnosis 5 if you get some free time.

Hey Ted, I read the first chapter of your book and I had to back it. I was immediately struck by the cleverness of your idea that in the future, the classic rock of the present would be thought of as literally "ancient", and people like Lennon/McCartney and Plant/Paige would be anachronisms. I'll be reading more chapters of your book in the future, and I hope you upload more chapters. Check out my book Gnosis 5 if you get some free time.

Hey Ted, I read the first chapter of your book and I had to back it. I was immediately struck by the cleverness of your idea that in the future, the classic rock of the present would be thought of as literally "ancient", and people like Lennon/McCartney and Plant/Paige would be anachronisms. I'll be reading more chapters of your book in the future, and I hope you upload more chapters. Check out my book Gnosis 5 if you get some free time.

Hey Ted, I read the first chapter of your book and I had to back it. I was immediately struck by the cleverness of your idea that in the future, the classic rock of the present would be thought of as literally "ancient", and people like Lennon/McCartney and Plant/Paige would be anachronisms. I'll be reading more chapters of your book in the future, and I hope you upload more chapters. Check out my book Gnosis 5 if you get some free time.

So far I"ve read to chapter 3. I will for sure be back for more. The dialogue is great, the pace is quick and exciting and I'm really liking everything so far! "The curious canvas where she piled her art" is a great line. Even though Science Fiction is not necessarily my bag, the second chapter was informative and intriguing enough without being too sciency. Does that make sense? It was great to find out that his papa was a simulation. And all the extra emotional stuff with his mom, makes me want to find out more. And the "Mesh" addiction mentioned...briliant.

So all good stuff. There is one thing that I would maybe consider, and this is just my opinion, but maybe I would take out the information about Georgy's death in the synopsis. I only say this because it was more fun finding out that tidbit, even if it is right away in the third chapter of the story. I found myself re-reading the first chapter like three times to see if I missed his death there because I was expecting it from the synopsis. I'd rather just be surprised. Again, not really a big deal, though. Just something to consider.

I'll be back,
Sara

Very good use of dialogue laced with dialect, imagery, punctuation, and grammar. It looks like you’ve taken some time to do some meticulous line editing.

Good opening line in paragraph 1, line1. It adds to the hook that is necessary to draw the reader into the story. The way you created tension between Zoya and Georgy after the greeting was a great way to build suspense.

I do have some concerns: I would suggest placing this line: Snapping off the music from the slot interface, she whirled and was swept into the arms of her brother Georgy… until after she is greeted by her brother. Don’t delay the implications of “cause and effect.”

There was a hunted, haunted look……The use of two many adjectives together dilute the impact of the noun and weakens the sentence, especially two adjectives that begin with the same letter.

You’re sure to create a controversy with the “there is no soul” angle you reveal in Chapter 2. No harm done. Controversy is good for creating dialogue between opposing views, and even better for book sales.

The brief change from “Papa” to “Father” in Chapter 2 seems awkward where it is placed. It would fit better where Marcus assumes a sharp tone when he says, “You’re gonna get me thrown in prison!”

With attribution, “said Jorge” would be written as “Jorge said.”

I think it is more than a stretch that after plummeting ten stories Georgy would be able to say anything. I don’t think the reader is going to buy into that. On the other hand, it is not unusual for a writer to take some liberties in order to advance a storyline. If your other readers are anything like me, they’re going to plow forward to see what happens next.

The transition from the frozen game to the telephone call in Chapter 4 was a great idea, but its execution was a little rough. It was as if the reader was snatched through the transition. I would have preferred the sentence you placed further down: Tyoma accessed the game interface and switched it off…. to come after the sentenced that ended, …as the scene froze.

I didn’t really like the way Chapter 8 was handled. If the chips were valuable enough to kill three people, the mobsters aided by the police would not have given up so easily. Even when faced with a confrontation with the Trogs.

The way you write is so vivid I can visualize the scenes in my head. I’m putting this on my shelf and WL. I will finish the rest later, and if I have additional comments that I think will help, I will add them.

There are no politics in writing with me. My backing is based solely on the merits of your storyline and your writing methods. If my shelf gets full and it comes to elimination, I will start removing those books that are not complete (a possibility of yours also) because I don’t know how you will handle the middle and climax. Just because you’re off to a great start doesn’t mean you will finish with a bang. In your case, I think the consistency I’ve seen so far will continue throughout the book (at least I hope so).

I am asking for a return read, solely because I think you’re a better than average writer and can help me better my project. So much of the comments I’ve seen so far on this site are superficial. They’re good for ego, but contribute little to the technical aspects needed to improve writing techniques. If you decide to do a return read and give comments, I hope to receive something that will contribute to my development.

Without a doubt, you’ve got a great product.

Jsault2003, author of Battle against the Beast
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38506/battle-against-the-beast/read-book/#chapter

Ted,

I wasn't sure what to expect when I started reading this, but your opening knocked my socks off. This is a really good story you've got here, and I can't wait to read more. I was sure that my shelf was set for the next few weeks but I've had to bump someone off for you. I've every confidence you will make the desk.

Jasmine

My daughter is angry with me because I've been reading this instead of playing with her haha. This seems sort of science fictional, but it reads so well that I feel like that genre wouldn't really describe the book. The futuristic setting is perfect and the way you throw in modern culture and describe that years controversial topics, it makes me feel like the events are actually possible (like cloning, plugging in to someone's mind and the information can go on the internet); I feel like it is all very possible and coming. Backed for now, but I will definitely be back for more!

Brittany E.
Melaney and the Mirror/My Last Notes

I just finished reading the 13 chapters available and I'm liking what I've seen. The only part that still confuses me is Tomya. I'm having trouble seeing how he fits into the story besides the chips. I'm intrigued by his character, don't get me wrong, I just want to know where his story with the super soldiers and the clones is going.
I like that Zoya and Marcus met up and I'm curious how that will play out since I think what he is looking for is in the black box that she has. I'm also really curious to see what happens with the people in the metro station, more importantly the woman that Zoya knows: Sveta.
I am a big fan of the future technology you use in the story; like I mentioned I get a Bradbury vibe from your story. My biggest complaint is that I really just want more. I'm liking where the story is going and I feel like you've only given us a taste of what's to come.

Fabulous Job! Fast-paced and gripping. This is definitely going on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
61BBboy

The Immortality Game. I cant quite make out the cover. Is that a pyramid in the distance? Your pitches are short and to the point, and I look forward to a fantasy ride.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Wow! I've hardly taken a breath. 2138 - I'm wondering why they hadnt thought up more efficient ways of dealing with the dead by then. But I guess the ancient Egyptians used embalming fluid, too. And the purple lipstick. Why that colour? But those are only stray thoughts which give way before the impact of this first chapter.

Ch.2. Those connection slots in their ears are intriguing, and multi-purposed. And what is Meshing, I wonder.

Ch.4. I've found a tiny nit. That adjective blindly is a bit cumbersome. If he was blinded he couldnt have been using his eyes. Could you have him groping to assess the damage instead? Wow - that's a realistic game indeed. Had me quite fooled.

Ch.5. So, with all the gadgetry available, Zoya is obliged to make an old-fashioned escape out the window while her pursuers rap against the door.
You begin rather alot of sentences with the word 'She' in this chapter.

Ch.6. So, they still keep the Sabbath day, and it looks as if economic problems with funding havent been resolved either.
You say through instead of though, in allowing calls from work.
The plot thickens, and I'm becoming entangled.

Ch.7. Back with Marcus in the US, and I enjoy the dry humour of his exchanges with Papa. Are they real humans?

Yours is most certainly a unique story, told with impeccable style.
What a wealth of talent we have on this site.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Ted,
I've read through chap 7, and I'm really enjoying this. Here are my comments to this point:

The first chap whizzes right along. Very nicely done.

In Chap 2 you do a great job of world-building using dialogue and inner thoughts in a nice balance. Not an easy feat.

Chap 3, my only comment is that Georgy seems to begin blubbering rather abruptly. And yes, I know, Sasha was just shot in front of him. I think I'm bothered by the tears and blubbering in paragraph that begins: Georgy burst into tears. And I think maybe the reason I'm bothered is because I know that Georgy aspired to Tavik's position.

And the other bit that bothered me was the yelling by Tavik in the next paragraph. I think I'd find a quiet menace more scary. And it seems that Georgy caves very quickly and easily, without them actually touching him. He already knows he's going to die, so why not die protecting his sister. It's really just that bit at the end of that scene that needs any attention. The rest is suitably chilling.

Chap 4
What's a voulge?
Who is Volodya? Why isn't it Vladimir

Okay, you surprised me with this scene. I was "really" in that cave.

I'm wondering if there's a way to simplify the use of all the names in this scene. I figure I can forget the names of the "people" in the game, but you're asking me to keep track of a lot of characters by this point. And I'm really confused by the Volodya/Vladimir bit.

You have a suspenseful, well-written story. So you don't want your readers to get frustrated!

Chap 5

Like the description of Moscow as hurricane shaped.

It just occurred to me... why would Georgy be interrogated and threatened in the old way.. couldn't they just access his head slot and download the history of where he'd been? Maybe not as dramatic...

Wow, the scene of Zoya in the apartment building is very well done. Dramatic, edge of the seat stuff. Really, really well done

Chap 6

A bit of confusion here.. in one place you say they completed the project years earlier, but had hidden the fact, then what follows indicates they aren't quite there... or that was my interpretation.

Chap 7

Did a hmmm at the spruce outside the SLC airport. SLC is located in a desert area. I don't believe there are spruce there.

Amazon Air.. another hmmm given Amazon's huge current presence in the culture.

Really, really good writing. I'm backing this, and I'll be back to read more.

Ann Warner - Absence of Grace

Before I start, I'll let you know that I'm only on Chapter 5 so I'm only just beginning to get to know the characters. I can tell you that I love Zoya and the black package. In the short span of the first chapter you really set up something exciting and I really want to know what's in it. The second chapter is reminiscent of Bradbury to me in the idea of technology that you bring up. The one character I'm not really sure about is Tyoma. I'm guessing the more I read the more I'll get to know him. The whole video game took me out of the dark sci-fi feel that the first three chapters had. I'm definitely putting it on my bookshelf though; this book is great!

This chapter ticks some essential boxes: it's lean, flab-free and brutally to the point, yet there's enough in the bare bones to ensure you want to stay with it into the next chapter. I'm new to checking out copy here, and this is the first that's gripped me sufficiently to provoke leaving a comment.
Criticisms? Par 2, final sentence, I'd phrase as "long-lost age"; the hyphen seems nitpicking, but is surely what's meant. Scouring my sub-editor's eye further... I can't find anything more. Will read more asap. SH

Ted,

After reading your pitches and perusing your chapters, I'm happy to place your work onto my shelf.

R.A. Battles