FOUR CORNERS. Book One. The rock star.

I read all of Four Corners that you’ve uploaded. There’s a lot to love in this book. I gather you aren’t American, but I’m so very happy that you’ve not fallen into one of the pits I find most European authors doing when they write about the American Southwest—you didn't fail on the details--you got it right! I lived in Arizona for a bit of time and one of my biggest pet peeves is when authors make mistakes in describing it that are blindingly obvious to anyone that has lived in the region. Your description really delivered. It was realistic and accurate. One of my favorite elements of reading fantasy is when an author can trick me into thinking the fantastical parts are true. You have really done so for me. I find that if the real life parts fail, the reader has a harder time believing the fantasy elements. It’s not that we have to believe them, but getting lost in the “what if” and “it could be true” is a great feeling for a reader.

I love your unusual spelling. I do this in my books too, and I was tickled to find you had done so. It’s like you are being playful with the words and molding them for the reader. I wasn’t tripped up on them at all, and you were able to maintain the smoothness of the read throughout.

This story had a nice Gunslinger from Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series vibe to it. It might be me because the book series is often a topic of conversation in my house, but I think that when you are querying this book out, it’s something you could consider mentioning when asked what sort of reading audience your book would appeal to since The Dark Tower series is very popular and has sold millions of books.
This book just has a lot of cool elements to it—the whole rock star vibe is explored really well as Michael isn’t a typical rock star, but had this intensity to him which makes him a very alluring character. I was sold on following him through the book. Even after the first chapter, I was vested in him and it was one of the elements that kept me reading.

I loved the idea of the bad traveling. It kept this whole weaving in and out of danger and the dreams theme going for me as well. I also was glad to see the Native American elements. While reading your book, I wrote, “People will forget there was something to remember.” It is true. The culture is nearly gone and what remains is nothing like it was. I was happy to see this in your book.

I normally don’t read much fantasy, except what is on the site, so it is hard for me to point out if I think there were things ‘wrong’ with this book. All I can tell you is that as a reader, even one that doesn’t typically read in this genre, I enjoyed the book. Best of luck with it.

Lucia
Vein Fire

Some excellent fantasy depiction, well-researched as well. I like the prologue re the Hopi end-time myth. The description is very detailed, rather like my own work. I think a bit more dialogue early on in chapter 2 to help establish the characters would be good. However I can see that you are very much trying to set the scene for the story. It certainly is an interesting concept and I did find myself getting into the story as it progressed. The dream like depictions are very detailed and vivid. The sense of surrealism is certainly evident here, important to make a fantasy story such as this work just as much as the depiction of the real world. I look forward to being able to read the continuing chapters when you upload them!

For different people, books can have different hooks—the point that grabs you, and you can’t stop reading; often varying from the intended “catch”, as meant to be read.
For me, the hook came in the first chapter, when Michael’s dream/vision cut to a more sinister scenery than the relaxed, warm, salty air and Ocean, cutting to ‘unbearable pain’ and massacre of the severed soldiers—I’m not a sadist, I swear! I just enjoy reading works of thriller and horror, and this is where you really caught my interest.
Michael’s character is beginning to really peek my interest; he seems like a very complex guy. Plus, all your characters seem really “chill”, throwing around the “f-bomb” and smoking weed. It’s not something you would expect from most of these authors, as I’ve gathered. But, actually, it’s refreshing for my 23 year old self. I am very interested how they will evolve as the story continues.
One sentence you may want to consider rephrasing: “It was a rather small hotel and insignificant to the hotels they were used to.” Maybe:”It was a rather small hotel—reserved, compared to the hotels they were used to.”? Or maybe it’s just missing “compared”? It just reads a little off to me.
Watch out for little grammatical mistake—missed comas, and such. I think you just need to break up your sentences more so it reads as intended. Sorry, sometimes I’m a stickler for grammar =P
It’s evident you know what you are writing when you write it. By that, I mean you really seem to know your stuff. I do appreciate that.
Aside from minor issues, I think you really have something great, and I look forward to reading onward.

Bravo: 5 STARS

I think this could turn out to be a really wicked read.

I don't think I've ever said this on Autho...but I can actually see this as a movie. I don't know if that's because I actually want to see it done on the big screen or because your descriptions are playing out in front of me so well. I love the element of mystery surrounding what is happening(I read to Ch 3) and I kept wanting to turn the page to see what would happen, how everything would play out. Your SP and LP do what I've read so far justice. Simply great writing. Looking forward to seeing where this one will go!

Best,

Ashley

Wow, this is a real melting pot of themes and ideas. I was totally captivated and sucked into the strange world that Michael inhabits. I love the way you have mixed the past of Native American Indian culture with the present of the rock band and the future of Michael's dream. it's quite a whirlwind of a ride! You write very well and vividly describe scenes which could be quite hard to imagine otherwise. I loved this and I have put it on my watchlist. I would be grateful if you could take a look at my novel Pain and share your thoughts.

Well done with Four Corners. | wish you all the luck in getting to the Editors Desk.

Kim

Hey Junetee,
Here for a return read. I think the idea of using Native American mythology is great, especially in the concept such as this. Your writing is dramatic, full of description that should interest readers of the genre. There were couple of things in the reading that sort of stood out to me. First of all, when you're dealing with interactions between the members of the band, the dialogue sounds a bit unnatural -- the overwhelming number of "fucks" made it sort of sound like you don't swear yourself :) it's not that people don't say it, but sometimes in the context people would use "shit" or "hell" more naturally. I mean, that's only how it came off to me. It's funny that I actually just came off the forum post where you talk about adjectives, and I think you're partially right about people needing to shut up about their use. A good adjective never hurt a story --- BUT, I feel that when people say "too many adjectives and adverbs" they don't really know why they say it, they just want to sound smart. The reason why sometimes an adjective doesn't work, is because it makes a description a little too generic, where a more specific word could be used to replace it. Let's take one for an example -- "he recognized this "uncomfortable and frightening feeling". It works, I get it and I understand the sentiment. But, if you switched it (and of course, I'm not trying to mess with you style, at all, this is just an example) for, say, "discomfort and unease", its less wordy and more to the point. You don't even have to take out the adjectives here, just make them less generic -- what is exactly uncomfortable about the feeling? it is physical or mental? I nice, descriptive adjective would do an even better job than turning adjective into a verb. I, myself, suffer from the excess of "ofs" -- "handle of the bucket" instead of "bucket handle" etc, so we all have our little plagues. Language is so rich and the styles of using it are very different, so I'm not saying that you should change it. But when you have a narrative that is so rich in description, they need to be fresh and immersing, tension and plot are great, but words are so important, too.
How did I get on the adjectives boat, anyway lol? I really didn't want to make it so lengthy. Have you taken writing classes in the past? I've taken many, but none has helped with choosing right verbs, adverbs, and yes, adjectives like poetry -- the right professor will help you to be a bit choosy, and make those creative juices flow.
Now, I hope that you don't take this too close to heart -- I can tell that you're a prolific writer, and that once you get going, you really get going, I can tell by the immersive quality of your scenes. Best of luck with this book. Let me know if something I said didn't make sense, sometimes I really get into the commenting mode (TA-ing Creative Writing at the university made me a little too talkative) and can't stop :))

Elena.

I read until the end of the first chapter and it's really good. I have a huge interest in history so the start caught me straight away. You give plenty of detail, which is something i love in books, helps the reader see things clearer, in my opinion

Having read the first four chapters of Four Corners ( unfortunately cannot do more as I have other reading commitments). My thought's are; I like the Native American points in your story as this is rarely ever attempted. I do admire the dream descriptions. Your mixtures of themes are great especially when added with vivid scenery. I think you will do very well and wish you the best.

Colleen (Demon Rising, The Symbol of Wrath)

Hi June,
It's great to see a novel with a Native American focus. I was immediately pulled in I'm reading through The Four Corners, and really enjoying it. 

The vision:
Great description of the bus driving through Arizona. I could practically feel the sand in my eyes. The way you described the band writing the music together was really well done, too; just a really nice scene between the bandmates.
A few thoughts. 
-"He was forty-two years old now, and this last tour had been a long and tedious one, so he put the smells and the nauseating feelings he had down to exhaustion. " - there's nothing wrong with this sentence, but it does feel a little long. I stumbled on it a bit.
- "He was no longer in the coach, sitting on the edge of his bunk; he was no longer in familiar surroundings."- I'm not sure you need the second part to this sentence (it's a given)
-the dream scene is well-described, suitably mystic and harrowing. I was particularly fascinated by the description of the mythological enemy who "kills" Michael. My only thought is that I found the use of so many ellipses a bit distracting. However, this might be a stylistic thing for you (Arizona writers that I've read do seem to like their ellipses!), so it's only my opinion. 

The dream:
Great dialogue between Jim and Michael. This entire chapter is really smooth and fun to read. I really like the two mates' interaction, and Michael's inner commentary fits in well here. 
"Michael knew only too well that he had no room to mock him, for he too often drank himself to a stupor and often used more than the odd line of coke - but hey, he was a rock star so wasn’t that compulsory?" - it might be nice to use frequent instead of the second "often." up to you.
Pretty horrible second dream. Really well described. 

Four corners:
Great opening scene. I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. It clipped along nicely with my only thought being (again) with the ellipses. Otherwise, it's great stuff. I think maybe because I'm increasingly fond of Jim and Michael's characters in particular, but I found it really enjoyable.

Overall, there's definitely a spooky vibe to the book, and it's fun to read, I get the feeling you have a more intimate, well-researched knowledge of the Navajos, and I always appreciate a confident voice! Well done,
Highly starred, and I'll keep reading.
Ellie
(Paragon )

Hi, I spotted your forum post and came to take a look. Verbs and adjectives are not an issue here. The problem I see, as a reader, is that it lacks 'voice'. While the research is good, and the dialogue is ok, the rest is like a droning monologue; the narrative is more in the form of non-fiction 'Tell' than fiction 'Show'. If anything, the prose is too technically perfect. It feels as though you, the writer, are standing outside your main character, observing and then reporting on what each character does. It doesn't feel as though you have stepped into Michael's shoes and are truely feeling, seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, everything that he experiences - hence your reliance on adverbs and adjectives as you try to make up for it. Even your habit of referring to the MC as Michael, rather than Mike or He/Him adds to that distance between the reader and the character. I see you've had several comments to that effect, eg, one about it working more as a screenplay than a novel - the dialogue is good - and the comment about using Michael rather than Mike, so I'm not the only one who feels this way.
All the best with it,
Naomi

Hi Junetee,

Had a read through the first three chapters and unlike the comments below, I'm not going to criticize you at all.

Just like an artist creates with his/her seemingly unlimited mediums, you've managed to take the written word and do something different with it. Dare I say, something magical and fascinating.

I especially enjoyed the descriptions of Michael's nightmares and his visions.

I will be returning to read the rest of this, highly starred and saving a spot on my shelf in the coming month for you!

Ashley - The Vedeine Saga: Deception

Hi Junetee; I promised to read five chapters and in the end read more. Your story had obviously been well researched and your knowledge of the Hopi people's myths and legends was exemplary. As a reader I fairly rattled the chapters off. The underlying Indian myth story is quite unique and thus far I have seen nothing else like it on this site. I felt your best moments were in the nightmare scenes which were particularly well written and created a very disturbing, vivid, atmosphere. Your main character of Michael was good, although I enjoyed Jim more and Ruby was also very well written when she came on the scene. I felt your story read almost like a screenplay rather than book and could see why others have mentioned the possibilities of a film version (it certainly wouldn't be much of a push to make it so.) Your description of all the places mentioned was very good. I can't pretend to know much about Arizona, etc, but you made me feel like I did. My only surprise, if I was to be picky, was that so far nobody had addressed Michael as Mike. I know lots of Michaels and they are all Mike to me (sorry if anyone did and I missed it.) To sum up this is a fine piece of work, well thought out and deserves to do very well. Congratulations and all the best with it. It's going on my WL to keep going back to.
RMA
Sea Spray and Stars

Four corners i understand!! A great enticing begining. Pain taht he goes through. Then his vision, woman and crowd.
I will read more to know more about it.
Well written.

I am not a critic; however, in my opinion, the first chapter is open to changes.
The vision
First paragraph: ‘Along an abandoned highway, a large black…’
Why miles and miles? And you repeat it in the forth.
‘Its tyres kicked up the dust from the ground beneath them…’ where else would the dust be only beneath the tyres and on the ground. Try redoing it.
Third: ‘The sun disappeared behind a dark heavy cloud, casting down from the sky, deep sombre tones of purple…’ omit ‘down from the sky’. We know where the clouds are.
Will read on and I hope that I don’t get too distracted by errors. This is only a first comment. Please bear with me as I get into the story. Many errors have been pointed out to me of my book, Alric’s Hill, and now I find that I’m looking at books differently, which spoils my reading somewhat.
I want to judge on the story.
Pat

Hi Junetee,
I’ve read the first four chapters of Four Corners and noted a few comments below for you.

Ch 1

1) I wonder if this prologue is necessary. A lot of what you describe here could easily come out in the body of the story – and would have a lot more impact that way. It would also add an extra element of intrigue and mystery to Michael’s dreams that would give an added depth. At the moment, Michael is confused and worried about what is happening to him, but the reader has already been given a hint, so they are less emotionally involved in his predicament.

2) ‘Lost white brother’
should be ‘Lost White Brother’

3) ‘and starved the few who remained alive by killing’
remove ‘alive’. It’s superfluous. If they remain, then they’re alive.

Ch 2

1) ‘something dark and unnatural’
comma after ‘unnatural’

2) ‘casting down from the sky’
I would remove ‘from the sky’. Again, it’s superfluous. If it’s the sun, it’s in the sky’

3) ‘left over’
Hyphenate

Ch 3

1) ‘open minded’
hyphenate

2) ‘The Devils highway’
should be ‘The Devil’s Highway’

Ch 4

1) ‘no where’
one word

2) After Michaels’ strange actions during their performance, it seems hard to believe that Jim would just forget about it and not question Michael when Steve left. Perhaps you could put something more in here.

This is an imaginative, well-paced story, with a plot that’s developing nicely. I love the idea of the Four Corners having some mystical purpose rather than simply being an incidental point on a map. Very clever. I also like the way you’re weaving prophesy with the modern world – and making your protagonist a jaded, cynical rock-star. Well done.

Sue

Hi, sorry it took me so long to get around to reading and reviewing this. I've read and commented on most of the first chapter; it's late now so I'll read some more later. I enjoyed what I read, and I hope you find my critique useful. Please don't think of them as too critical. The only issue I have with your writing is the overuse of paired verbs and adjectives (comments below), occasional redundant words, and some word repetition (like "asked" and "gig.") These are minor quibbles that can easily be dealt with. I'm very grateful for your time with "Tamria" and hope you'll continue to read on and give me your thoughts.

James

***

“the Native American Indian” – this isn’t the sort of thing most readers would pick up on, and it’s not a mistake as such, so feel free to disregard it. The problem with presenting “Native American Indian” as a single term is that it carries the implication the Native American Indian is a single, homogenized group – which of course it isn’t. “Native Americans” are a myriad of different tribes, with different cultures and customs. To avoid this problem, I’d make it plural. It’s only a small change and shouldn’t take too much effort to correct. –> “For many years the ancient rituals and sacred ceremonies of the Native American Indians have been cast aside as myths and legends.”

“It had several markings upon it” – is “upon it” necessary? That’s two words that could go without altering the effect of the sentence. “This particular stone was only four inches square. It had several markings and a piece broken off one corner”

“turned his face from them” – strongly feel “from them” isn’t needed. It’s implied in the phrase “turned his face.” Also, you might change the tense at the start of this sentence, it could improve the flow of this passage. Read and decide whether you think it sounds better.. “When Masaw gave them this small tablet, he turned his face and became invisible”

“starved the few who remained alive” – consider deleting “alive,” it’s another superfluous word. “They massacred women and children, and starved the few who remained by killing the wild buffalo.”


“shadowed and stalked the coach” – one or the other. This sentence would sound more effective if you just chose “shadowed.” “However something else, something dark and unnatural shadowed the coach that day.” The reason for this is that you have two adjectives as well as two verbs in the original sentence, and that can weigh a passage down. (I’ll be the first to admit I occasionally overuse adjectives in my own writing. Let me know if you catch any out!)

“The sun disappeared behind a dark heavy cloud, casting down from the sky, deep sombre tones of purple, red and blue’ – I like your description but again, you have two pairs of adjectives: “dark” and “heavy”, “deep” and “sombre”. Wouldn’t this sound better if you trimmed one of them? Less can be more. “The sun disappeared behind a dark cloud, casting deep, somber tones of purple, red and blue”

“The absence of light” – except that it isn’t an absence of light. There *is* light, the sun is still shining, it’s just been obscured by a cloud. The reader will know your meaning, of course, but it’s bound to be picked up on. How about: “The sudden gloom” instead?

“created a disturbing eerie mist, which aroused and agitated the deadly silence” – I can see your foible as a writer is a penchant for paired verbs and adjectives. It’s all right to use this technique *occasionally*, as I do in my own writing, but be careful about using it all the time. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that by having more words you’re doing better scene-setting. Also, often shorter words are preferable to longer ones, unless a long word is selected for effect. “The sudden gloom created an eerie light, which agitated the deadly silence.”

“scattered the sand for miles and miles across the desert” – no need for a second “miles”; just “scattered the wind for miles across the desert.”

Next paragraph; rather a lot of adjectives! “mighty wind”, “distant canyon,” “noble presence,” “honourable commands,” “cosmic forms.” (Also, you need a full-stop at the end of that final sentence.) Your work could really benefit from a lot of adjective trimming. You shouldn’t lose all the adjectives, but one or two here and there would greatly improve the pace of the writing. –> “Emerging as a mighty wind from a distant canyon, a Supreme Spiritual Deity scattered the sand far and wide across the desert. The earth spirits acknowledged his presence, as he ushered them to pay attention to his honourable commands…”

“Rock star Michael Faraday” – are you a fan of Dan Brown? Because this is how he introduces his characters in his novels. (“Renowned curator Jacques Saunieres…” – Da Vinci Code). It might have been allowed for Dan Brown, but this type of construction is scorned by the literary world. You don’t need to state before this guy’s name that he’s a rock star; that’s implied in the fact that he’s a member of a band! Here’s how you might rephrase it: –> “Michael Faraday and his band The Outlanders were on their way to a gig in North East Arizona.”

“The site was not far away from” – “away” is a word this sentence really doesn’t need. “far from” is much more effective. “The site was not far from the famous Four Corners monument”

“the exact point where the four states of Arizona, Colorado, Utah and New Mexico meet.” – do you mean “the exact place”? If you’re going to stick with “point,” “exact” isn’t needed. To “pin-point” a place is to mark its position accurately. And “meet” should be past tense, “met,” to fit in with the rest of this sentence. “The site was not far from the famous Four Corners monument, which was the point where the states of Arizona, Colorado, and New Mexico met.”

“It was while… It was when…” – two consecutive sentences, beginning the same way. Something you should avoid. And the comma isn’t needed, it disturbs the flow of the sentence. Replace the “when” with “that.” “It was while they were on their way toward the Grand Canyon that Michael first began to feel nauseous. It happened when Jim mentioned a place called Death Valley.”

Oh, wouldn’t anyone feel a little nauseous hearing about a place called “Death Valley”? ;-)

“To begin with” – change to “At first,” that’s a stronger sentence opening. “At first Michael wondered if he was coming down with something.”

“couldn’t be bothered with an argument” – “couldn’t be bothered to argue”, is that better?

“He gazed across the barren land outside” – should “land” be “landscape” here?

“wondered how the settlers in the past managed to survive” – phrase needs a “had”, after “past.” “His gaze drifted across the barren landscape, and he wondered how the settlers in the past had managed to survive.”

“previous gig” – you use the word “gig” five times in this chapter. Word repetition. There are other words. “concert” is one. “show”, “performance”, those are some more.

I’ve no gripe with swearing in novels or films, but do you think you might be overdoing the obscenities? Problem with overuse of the word “fuck” is it loses it shock-factor. Tone it down a little. Hate to say this, but while most publishers won’t have an issue with swearing in an adult-oriented book, they will take issue with gratuitous swearing. And some just don’t like swearing period, unless it adds something to the story. Mine’s a kid’s book and there are only some light expletives – “hell”, “bloody”, a single use of “goddamn” and “bastard.” They’re not there for the heck of it. They’re there to add to the story, and to the believability of the characters. Think carefully about the purpose of your swearing.

The word “asked” is being used a lot. Four times in this chapter. Replace with “said” some times.

“and then shook his head” – “and then” is two words you never want to see together. One or the other. “Jed gave him a curious but detached look, then shook his head.”

The word “nauseous” again. Twice in this scene, and it’s not a common word. Something else. “sick”

“trying to break the uncomfortable atmosphere between them” – “between them” is redundant. “atmosphere” refers to the feeling in the group. “Jed said, trying to break up the uncomfortable atmosphere.”

I hear the echoes of the Ka-tet and Roland Deschain in your protagonist Michael Faraday. Highly descriptive in your accounts on the world he inhabits and the narrative flows well. I will continue to read and review. Good job so far though in character development and story line.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

This is spooky stuff! You clearly have talent and have a knack of capturing your readers and keeping them there; I was on the edge of my seat towards the end of the first chapter! Great descriptions, believable dialogue and a clever end to the first chapter; who could resist reading on after that!

I particularly enjoyed Michael's visions, they are brilliantly written and vividly described. Although I didn't spot any typos, etc, I think the line below could have the word 'it' taken out as it would read better without it, but that's just my opinion:

...his sword slipped from his fingers and it fell to the ground.

Great work here, highly rated and the best of luck with it. Well done.

Your story is very interesting--what an imagination. Your writing is very good; it flows well and is easy to read. I loved your prologue--great opening and made me want to read on. This is very good. 6 stars. Lacy

There are a few things I liked about your writing, and a few things I didn't.

First, I love the name of your main character. Is there any chance a connection is going to be made with the real life Micheal Faraday (scientist- worked with magnetism)? Also, you have done the research necessary and fleshed out your characters for the story, which helps with people being able to connect greater with your characters.

However, there were some problems I found. The prologue I felt is unnecessary. It would work a lot better if you were able to find a way to deliver that information within the story. It would seem more natural to the story if we discovered that information along with the characters.

Also, I felt you spent too much time telling me about the characters in the narrator's voice. Personally, I would much rather have the information come to me through conversations with other characters rather than simply be told a backstory from the narrator. The way you portray the information currently distances the reader from the character.

As always, this is only my opinion. Use what you want and discard the rest. I hope this helped somewhat and good luck with your writing!

Brad

First the main character called Michael Faraday - well I cannot give out that information, I'm sorry its just one of those books - well series of books that you never know whats coming next!
As for the 'too much past information' well I am working on that as we speak and I hope to have a new first chapter on the site very soon. I hope I am doing the right thing doing this because there are so many people who like the ups and downs of the visions and then the info. Anyhow I know that back story is the wrong thing to do in the first chapter and so I'm cutting it out and seeing how it goes.
Thankyou for your interest
junetee

There are a few things I liked about your writing, and a few things I didn't.

First, I love the name of your main character. Is there any chance a connection is going to be made with the real life Micheal Faraday (scientist- worked with magnetism)? Also, you have done the research necessary and fleshed out your characters for the story, which helps with people being able to connect greater with your characters.

However, there were some problems I found. The prologue I felt is unnecessary. It would work a lot better if you were able to find a way to deliver that information within the story. It would seem more natural to the story if we discovered that information along with the characters.

Also, I felt you spent too much time telling me about the characters in the narrator's voice. Personally, I would much rather have the information come to me through conversations with other characters rather than simply be told a backstory from the narrator. The way you portray the information currently distances the reader from the character.

As always, this is only my opinion. Use what you want and discard the rest. I hope this helped somewhat and good luck with your writing!

Brad

I read the first few chapters, and I gotta say this is a great story. It's packed with loads of great action and a good story as well. Good Luck!

Roy Earle

Just started this, and definitely going to keep an eye on it.

Was mildly off put by the prologue, the first paragraph of which sounded a bit defensive. And the prose gets a little purple in places, (I'm stumbling a bit over the adjectives.) But that being said, there's movement to the story, and I want to know where it's going. The imagery and the voice are compelling enough to keep me reading for a while.

This is an original idea for a book. I don't think I've ever read one like this.
It flows well and it is written well. I like how researched this is. You develop this really well.
The cover and title are chosen well.
Good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds, when you have time.

Greetings!

To be honest, I somewhat skimmed over your prologue; I don't like the things becuase I'd rather discover the information within the story rather than being told (rather than shown) the world. I was wondering why this information had to be presented in a telling format rather than being shown to me as I'm reading? Just a thought...

Chapter 1::

If this is taking place in the Arizona desert, you may wish to use the spelling of 'tires' instead of 'tyres' -- Americans don't use that spelling, just a little nitpick/observation.

You have some great descriptions here. I don't think that the section flag of 'The Arizona desert' is required -- you say it is in the Arizona desert in the first paragraph; the repeat of it caught my attention and distracted me from the writing.
As one final nitpick, the use of the back-to-back ellipses threw me off. They didn't feel appropriate, but that is just personal preference.
In the first section, last paragraph, you're missing a period.

Other than that, the text before the first Dinky was well-written, very evocative. Nicely done.

After the first scene break, a lot is going on! I think that the introduction of the characters is a little rough -- you tell us about these people rather than showing them to us through their actions. I feel that this could be improved to give a better lead in to Michael's problems. There is a lot of promise between the visions and Michael's character, but I felt like I had too much rammed at me at one time. I'd almost like to see the characters doing something more, and a more indepth version of them. There is promise in them and the types of people they are, but I think that there could be more characterization to really help make this book even better. You definitely have a great deal of creativity in how you're merging these two worlds through Michael.

Your strength is definitely in the descriptions of what is going on; when you settle in close to Michael's POV and take the active voice rather than the more passive voice you start off with, you show some great promise at writing. I think the biggest thing that could help get this book off of the ground would be to try to make the voice of your writing a little more active and make Michael just a little more of a living character on the page.

This is a really good start. Good luck with this book!

I'm really quite impressed with Four Corners, Rock Star. The author has has gone to great lengths to explain through the story how dreams can effect the psyche and how they can actually call one into them. By that, I mean, that the dream exists outside the body and calls one to sleep so it can continue its journey... if that's not too scary. Using Native American lore as the driving force of the dream sequences is well handled and together with the smooth way in which the characters are introduced makes the book a compelling read. If I was to make any criticism as to the words themselvesI can only say that I would not use a capital for 'john' (wc) being inanimate unless of, course, one considers it as a personal friend. The other thing is 'why do effing rock stars have to swear so much ' But of course, they do. Enjoyable, interesting and complex story, high stars.
Barry Harden, (Between Caligula's Toes)

I have read the first two chapters so far. As I said, this is not my genre however, I thought it was interesting and seems well researched. I found chapter 2, where we are introduced to Michael and his visions, rather too long and involved. Towards the end I thought 'Oh no, not another vision.' However, this is just a fact of editing and restructuring a little. Overall I enjoyed it. I found your writing fast paced and the descriptions in the visions was gripping. Michael is a nice character and his relationship with the band well portrayed. Your dialogue is good and realistic. I agree with another comment that your wiritng is good enough not to need so many adverbs. I would try to pare them down a little. Fascinating idea for a story and I will try to read more soon as only a few chapters don't do the book justice.

I have to tell you what a fantastic book this is, a few days ago i left you a message telling you i had heard fantastic things about it, well since then i have read it and not been able to put my laptop down for the last few days, your story is fantastic and your Characters are wonderful you have brought them to life, and now i just cant wait for you to add more to this story so i can find out what happens next to Michael ruby & Christian , It has made the book more enjoyable for me because i go to the places ( Gog Magog and Glastonbury) that are mentioned in the book and i am always going to festivals so i can visualise all these places as i am reading the story, i am really looking forward to you adding more chapters and i hope its in the near future.........

hi ya,
your book is now on my WL...
will get back to you at appropriate time for an honest feedback and scoring...
olga13

Love the mix of genres. I prefer books that skip around between horror / fantasy. The Dark Tower books are a good comparison, and if you do half as well as those you will be laughing all the way to the bank!

FOUR CORNERS. Book One. The rock star.
By J.T. Bennett.

I was hooked by the prologue—the stone given by Masaw to the Hopi people with the corner missing.
I also like the prophecy of the blue star falling from the sky.
Indian history and childhood tales have always fascinated me, the country and its people are rich with a colorful past that can’t be equaled.
You have a gift for being able to bring this out and it can’t be done without a great deal of knowledge on the subject, and of course a love for the land, and its people.
You have some beautiful description as I read along.
The coach weaving its way across the Arizona desert with the rock group on board ‘Like a shiny black beetle’… Love it!!
I could feel the heat of the day that you write of, and sense the spirit of the Supreme Deity together with Michael’s unnerving experience as they travel onward to the pre-booked gig.
I’m full of praise for the book, It lacks for nothing as the pages are turned, an excellent storyline that will truly spell-bind many readers…young and old!
A great book cover as well, I might say.
Full stars and down for shelving.

Best wishes to you, June.

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest – The Time Zone.

I cant wait to get my hands on the published book, i have heard so much about this book and just read some of the reviews, I hope i am 1st in the queue for the publishes Book and i will have to have it signed of course.......

Hi,
I'm on a tight timescale with a long list of owed reads and as such I can only check out the first few chapters of a book. Sometimes this doesn't matter, there's some great stuff on this site, and some not so great. Other times it's a shame I have to move on, you'll be pleased to know that this is a case of the later.
Highly imaginative there's a lot going on and I enjoyed what I read. It was also well written and I've only got two small nitpicks, that seagull is one word not two, and that you describe the action of one of the monsters poisons, but give us no indication as to how your character would have known that.
My only other concern is not related to your writing, but to where the future lies for this. You identify yourself that this doesn't categorise easily and that can be a problem. I see someone else has likened it to the Dark Tower series and that's great, but Stephen Kings position allows him to indulge himself and write just what the hell he wants. For an unknown author it's a whole different ball game to pull off in a commercial sense. I do empathise with you, my own book has some similarities to yours, but perhaps that's why I can see the potential pitfalls of such a throw in a bit of everything approach.
Anyway, highly starred as I appreciate the vision you are bringing to this tale and I wish you well with it for the future. Given the opportunity I will read more but time is precious I'm afraid and ticking ever onwards.

Best wishes,

James

PS I agree with the comment about splitting chapter 2 and I'd also consider trimming it a touch. Could the comments on your characters sexuality be moved elsewhere as they don't really seem relevant at this point?

A very interesting and unique story. I love the Native American mythology and the rock band lifestyle, they make for an intriguing setting. I like the way you got right in there with the visions and dreams. And the way that you incorporated the back story of when they first met and formed the band was done really well. You have a great style with some fantastic descriptions and natural, easy to read, dialogue. I really enjoyed what I read. My only criticism would be maybe chapter 2 could be split into 2 as it is quite long, just a suggestion!
Lots of stars and a place on my shelf to follow soon.
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

Hi Junetee,

If you have only been writing for four years, I’d say you are doing a remarkable job! I thought your writing was fantastic.

And I was happy to read that your book deals with Native American beliefs as mine touches on the spiritual beliefs of the Sioux people. I could relate with Michael’s feelings of foreboding and heaviness when he and the band entered the four corners area. I experienced the same sense when I traveled through the west a few years ago. No doubt - pockets of evil inhabit those ancient red rocks.

Anyway, back to your writing. Imagery is wonderful, especially in the vision scenes and you have convinced me that you know what life is like on the road for a traveling band. Are you British? If you are, you’ve done a great job capturing the essence of southwest America. I did catch the Brit spelling of tire (tyre) that made me smile. And then the following sentences were either typos or another derivative of English that I’m not familiar with.

“He was no longer sat (sitting) inside the coach on the edge of his bunk…”

“He realized he was sat (sitting) on a horse…”

You have done well to create a sense of intrigue and mystery. For those who love fantasy the first couple chapters will definitely serve to whet their appetite. The Rock band dialogue flowed smoothly. (Even though there are people who talk like that, the F word did get a little old) And I liked the personality comparisons you made between the band members. It helped to set some concrete distinction within my mind.

I wish I had more time to read, I have to head off to work. But for now, highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Not my type of book, but.....
Well written.
Would recommend to a friend if they like this sort of book.
Well done
3 star rating from me.
EllenMichelle :)
'A Model's Summer'

Four Corners
Embarassingly delayed return read. You have a great story here. Truthfully, I am not a fantasy or Sci-fi fan and that’s putting it mildly (see my bio). Authonomy is opening my mind a little bit, though.
First, I want to say that I’m really into the story, I love the characters and Michael. Jim cracks me up and Steve is appropriately obnoxious. I think you either spend a lot of time around guys and have a lot of guy friends or you watch a lot of dude TV. I love the true to life interactions.
I took some notes while I was reading. Don’t be alarmed by the crits – I’m always honest and detailed as much as I can be. My assumption is that everyone wants to improve, even on the little things - I know I do! Everything goes without saying that it’s IMHO, and of course, I’m no one but one measly reader. Disagree with me, then by all means, disregard!
Prologue: no specific comments.
Chapter 2:
To begin with (Comma)
It was a wonder the past settlers had ever survived (rearranged sentence for better flow)
Haha, bunny boiler. LOVED IT.
‘I never thought I’d ever say it…’ (need starting quote)
Very nice job on the dialogue exchange – You must spend a lot of time around men, have a lot of male friends, etc. The dialogue rings so true, I double checked your bio to make sure I remembered this was written by a female!
‘trying to break the uncomfortable atmosphere between them’ this sentence jumped out at me as awkward, overwritten. I don’t have a better suggestion though.
Al began to tap his hands on the table… this is how they worked. This paragraph is genius. Brought me right into the RV with them. Perfect!
He was badly wounded and hiding from the thick of the battle behind an enormous black rock. I don’t think this sentec e needs any commas, but you have two in it.
When the band’s coach stopped for gas…this paragraph could use smoothing. You use “suddenly” twice and that and then could be cut out entirely to smooth it out.
Your dialogue is fantastic, really.
Flock around him? I think flock TO him… JMO maybe, not sure.
Michael is gay, sort of? Confused by this because he says he knows he isn’t gay. Denial? OR maybe we’ll find out if we keep reading. BUT nice twist! Keeps it interesting.
“Man you almost slept through the whole fucking journey” the use of the word journey here to me, seems forced. I don’t think people really say journey in dialogue. I think he’d say ride, or something more colloquial. Plus you use journey two other times in this chapter.
Chapter 3:
He thought, is used three times in very close succession. At least two of them are unnecessary – or maybe use italics if you feel like you have to differentiate.
‘Man, how the fuck am I to know(COMMA)’ Jim answered.
I have a dream catcher! Neat! Ha ha
You end chapters with a great hook! I keep meaning to be done reading, and yet,… I can’t!
Overall, I did catch quite a few repeat words. Try prowritingaid.com - I use this on EVERY chapter. It's a great tool for catching things like this.
Great premise, interesting story, nice chapter hooks. On my WL, will keep reading. Highly starred.
Kate M.

June, at last, I hope, I can comment on Four Corners, and quickly say that I have never come across such an extraordinary book. And before I get cut off, let me say in one go that it is astounding, compelling, prophetic. of course, and probably apocalyptic. Yes, it's somewhat wildly written, largely because from the start you pile up Michael's visions so copiously. Beware of too many adjectives and adverbs Whatever's in your head to introduce in the visions is so stark naked, that the mention alone is, well, just that. And your phenomenal ability to describe such visions may have tempted you too far for a reader's appetite. Each vision is so powerful that I'd suggest reducing them;
Incidentally, is it only coincidence that his name is that of the great early 19th century scientific genius, Michael Faraday, who discovered magnetism and electricity, etc? Or is it some pregnant allusion? I sort of hope so.
I like the way you bring on first the Outlanders rock band - an appeal to the younger generation, and an influence not only transatlantic but world-wide these days, They are the target of the prophecy of doom.
Next, the tour that brings them to the Four Corners, the scene of Indian prophecy. I think that, setting Michael and his appalling visions against the "common-sense" of the rest of the band, makes for a powerful conflict, essential to the plot. It also gives opportunity to introduce us to their past, their various relationships, and delineates each character. Unfortunately, for me, their dialogue is confined almost exclusively to a limited use of English, dominated by the Arch-expletive. And when that is coupled with "Jesus" you may lose more readers than you'd wish. Nevertheless, it's all realistic, and serves your purpose well.
It was a considerable relief to meet the attractive Ruby. She is experiencing visions too, and we feel her meeting with Michael inevitable.Her visions are less dauntingly spiritual, and her problems in getting to see Michael's band and the interview are charmingly beguiling. The ultimate moment of their meeting is almost a fairy- story effect.
Now for some nits:
Chapter 3 (?) Do you mean "Quadratic"?
A bee-line, not a" B-line", is the direct route bees take from the flower to their hive.
You swat a fly, not "squat" it.
Chapter 4: Hardly "bear" them, not "bare"
"Kensington Road" - capital R.
The Mall - capital
"She suddenly realised - not 'realising'
"Was stood. . . Was sat" should be " was standing or sitting". (Nobody stood them or sat them there)
" The lit ((light) was too dim"
"walked passed her" - 'past her'
"there hands in the air" - their hands.
This is enough of crits and nits, etc. I've put Four Corners on my w/list, hoping for an early backing as soon as you've edited to your satisfaction and mine. Congratulations, June, and high stars.
David Grant
"Pompey Chimes"

I read the prologue and first three chapters of Four Corners. Fantasy is not my genre, but I think you write well, and you have a story to tell.
I didn't get "hooked" by what I read, and I'm trying to think why. Apart from my general ambivalence with the fantasy genre, I perceive two things that prevented me from entering into the story. The first of these was the length and complexity of chapter one. I needed to be introduced to the characters - and especially the MC - before hearing quite so much about the odd things happening to them. I needed to care, to be engaged with them, before going headlong with them into their journey. More dialogue among them might have helped. Also, there seemed to me to be a number of "info dumps" that tempted me to skip. Secondly, I found the relationships among the characters and the way they communicate with each other seemed somewhat one-dimensional. They didn't seem quite real to me. Perhaps if I had got to know them a bit better before all the action began, I might have had a different view.
I think the text is generally well-editted, with very few spelling or grammatical problems needing to be fixed. Your subject is obviously very well researched.
I hope these observations may be helpful, and I wish you well.
Father Ambrose

I've just managed your first two chapters (and the prologue) and while I'm not a fantasy lover, the story really captured me. Nice style with loads of action. I've rated it and will def put it on my bookshelf as soon as I can make some space. Well done and good luck. James.

Junetee,

Read through first 2 chapters. It's an easy read with enough descriptive passages to get a good sense of time and place. would have liked more dialogue than prose, but that is personal preference. However, I did find the use of swear words very distracting [the English language is diverse enough to make the point without swearing quite so much]. That said, it did not keep me from reading on. I believe you need to go back over it and tighten up your sentences so they flow more easily. I am a fan of fantasy [aka Ursula Leguin & Katherine Kurtz], but the premise of this story is rather intriguing.

Well done,
Chrysta Mane

Hi June,
I loved the setting of your opening chapter or so, the sweltering wilderness is wonderfully claustrophobic. I wonder if you want to get the the plot moving a little quicker, though, and spread out the visions, if possible? That way you can enhook the reader more effectively.

A few pieces of pedantry:
Prologue - 'A spirit from the past, the present, and the future had awoken...' how?
'a supreme deity' can you have more than one supreme deity?
Chpt 1 - 'which made women - and men, flock around him' you want a hyphen, not a comma.

Thanks for the read swap, I enjoyed this :)

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Dear Junetee,

I'm happy to be here for our little read swap. Wow..I had a look at your first two chapters, and I love your writing style! Your prologue created such intrigue and suspense, beautifully setting the stage for the story to come. The opening chapter was so well-written also; you immediately captured my attention with your use of various literary devices. You had some really amazing images (ie: "sweat oozed" "putrid stench of death" and "dazzling blue light"). You painted such a picture with words throughout the opening! Also, I loved your use of unique similes (ie: "weaved like a shiny black beetle" "shimmered like steam..." and "like a plague of locusts").

Even though I'm not a huge fantasy fan, your writing style made this a beautiful read for me. Your word choice surrounding the characterization of Michael Faraday and his dreams truly set the stage for a highly engaging piece of literature, especially the intensity at the end of chapter one. You are a gifted writer, and I have no doubt this piece will go very far! Giving you many shiny stars!

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

I'm a reality man not fantasy but your work read like the former. I paid little attention to Native America before but you got me wanting to go out a learn more. The culture reflect aspects of mine. I admire your attention for details and ability to hook readers, well at least me. I read the first chapter but with time I would read all

Four Corners – The Rock Star
Junetee

June, you’ve had some great feedback, so I won’t repeat what others have already said. You have an intriguing storyline, and like others I find the concept of a rock-star prophet plausible. I have a few comments on the Arizona desert chapter – and these are just my very humble opinions. I really enjoyed the opening dialogue between the band members, and felt that the dialogue itself did much to begin to characterise Michael, Jim, Jed and Steve, more so that the narrative descriptions. After the visions, some of the scenes between the band members feel less authentic to me. As a reader, I felt you were often telling me about them, rather than showing me what they were like through their interactions with each other – what they were doing, what they were saying. For example, I loved the way Michael and Jim characterise Steve, kinda creased like one of those dogs. That works really well for me, your use of dialogue to characterise all of them at once.

There is also a lot of backstory added between the sections dialogue that could possibly be woven into later chapters. Another authonomite gave me similar and useful feedback on my own writing, and I’ve pasted that comment here (apologies for the plagiarism!). She advised “…leaving biographical details for the second half of the novel, because by then the reader will be invested in the main character and want to know more about what made them the sort of person they are today. If there are biographical details that are important to the plot, then hint at them in the opening chapters because that will hook the reader into wanting to know more.”

Regarding the visions, and this is just my humble opinion, but I felt that you could really capitalise on building tension here. I felt that their appearance in the opening chapter (Arizona desert, 2007) was almost too fast-paced and yet conversely, I felt that the three successive visions somewhat diffused the tension (and again, with the last two). The third vision was quite lengthy, which also stalled the pace for me at this point. Michael’s experience is frightening, but I wondered whether having a briefer ‘flashback’ type vision, that is then repeated later on and becomes more detailed each time Michael experiences it, might build more tension as the reader wants to learn what is happening, and why (perhaps consider using e.g. the final vision, which is shorter and sharper, first). The fourth vision – I felt this worked more strongly that the previous one, although again, I felt that the rapid transition from this vision to the final one a little distracting.

I also wondered whether the ‘whoosh’ which pulls him out of the 4th vision didn’t quite fit, and you have some repetition here (which may be deliberate). I also have scenes where my MC goes in and out of visions, and have struggled to portray them, so again, this only my very humble opinion. You write:

‘Suddenly something pulled and tugged at his body and with a sudden… whoosh… a strong suction jolted his body back through the tunnel and out of his dream. Michael shook and he trembled with the vibration when he was sucked through the tunnel at an unaccountable speed. Then with a sharp sudden stop he opened his eyes.

His journey had been so fast he felt that his heart had jumped into his throat, yet he could feel it pounding loudly in his chest. Directly in front of him he saw the window in his hotel room…’

I wondered whether this might work just as well:

‘A sudden force tugged at his body, jolting him back through the tunnel. Michael shook with the vibration as he was sucked away at an unaccountable speed.

He opened his eyes.

Sunlight streamed through the hotel window. No soldiers. No bodies. No blood. The tension began to leave his body. It was only a dream. He lay still for a moment, waiting for his heart to stop pounding...

Thanks again for the read.

You have some great ideas here Holly, I just might use a few of them when I re-edit shortly after I've finished the last few chapters of the book. Thankyou. Junetee

Four Corners – The Rock Star
Junetee

June, you’ve had some great feedback, so I won’t repeat what others have already said. You have an intriguing storyline, and like others I find the concept of a rock-star prophet plausible. I have a few comments on the Arizona desert chapter – and these are just my very humble opinions. I really enjoyed the opening dialogue between the band members, and felt that the dialogue itself did much to begin to characterise Michael, Jim, Jed and Steve, more so that the narrative descriptions. After the visions, some of the scenes between the band members feel less authentic to me. As a reader, I felt you were often telling me about them, rather than showing me what they were like through their interactions with each other – what they were doing, what they were saying. For example, I loved the way Michael and Jim characterise Steve, kinda creased like one of those dogs. That works really well for me, your use of dialogue to characterise all of them at once.

There is also a lot of backstory added between the sections dialogue that could possibly be woven into later chapters. Another authonomite gave me similar and useful feedback on my own writing, and I’ve pasted that comment here (apologies for the plagiarism!). She advised “…leaving biographical details for the second half of the novel, because by then the reader will be invested in the main character and want to know more about what made them the sort of person they are today. If there are biographical details that are important to the plot, then hint at them in the opening chapters because that will hook the reader into wanting to know more.”

Regarding the visions, and this is just my humble opinion, but I felt that you could really capitalise on building tension here. I felt that their appearance in the opening chapter (Arizona desert, 2007) was almost too fast-paced and yet conversely, I felt that the three successive visions somewhat diffused the tension (and again, with the last two). The third vision was quite lengthy, which also stalled the pace for me at this point. Michael’s experience is frightening, but I wondered whether having a briefer ‘flashback’ type vision, that is then repeated later on and becomes more detailed each time Michael experiences it, might build more tension as the reader wants to learn what is happening, and why (perhaps consider using e.g. the final vision, which is shorter and sharper, first). The fourth vision – I felt this worked more strongly that the previous one, although again, I felt that the rapid transition from this vision to the final one a little distracting.

I also wondered whether the ‘whoosh’ which pulls him out of the 4th vision didn’t quite fit, and you have some repetition here (which may be deliberate). I also have scenes where my MC goes in and out of visions, and have struggled to portray them, so again, this only my very humble opinion. You write:

‘Suddenly something pulled and tugged at his body and with a sudden… whoosh… a strong suction jolted his body back through the tunnel and out of his dream. Michael shook and he trembled with the vibration when he was sucked through the tunnel at an unaccountable speed. Then with a sharp sudden stop he opened his eyes.

His journey had been so fast he felt that his heart had jumped into his throat, yet he could feel it pounding loudly in his chest. Directly in front of him he saw the window in his hotel room…’

I wondered whether this might work just as well:

‘A sudden force tugged at his body, jolting him back through the tunnel. Michael shook with the vibration as he was sucked away at an unaccountable speed.

He opened his eyes.

Sunlight streamed through the hotel window. No soldiers. No bodies. No blood. The tension began to leave his body. It was only a dream. He lay still for a moment, waiting for his heart to stop pounding...

Thanks again for the read.

Fantasy fans will enjoy this well-written story with its desert setting intro and Native American myths. Michael and his fellow band members seem credible. Dialogue is realistic. The setting of the American South west convinced this reader and that is to your credit as from your profile I see that you are U.K. based.

I’m keen for you to give us a bit more info on the mystery woman who asks Ruby if she’s looking for the Michael Farady exhibition - what does she look like? Age, clothes, what is it about her that surprises Ruby?

Fantasy is a genre that does really well here so I look forward to seeing your book rise up the ranks.
Alison (Lambert Nagle)
Revolution Earth

{Four Corners}

Loved the pitch, and the prologue doesn’t disappoint. Into chapter 1 and I can see you are building a great story here. There is depth to your characters, and vivid images. Suspense is well built and I am intrigued and hungry to know where this will lead! High stars and on my watchlist. Just some detailed notes that I hope will be helpful : ) I’m being very fussy here, just pushing you!! :P All the best with them.

Prologue

First paragraph, the word ‘legends’ is repeated. This is extremely picky but might it flow better to write something like:
‘… have been cast aside as nothing but myth and legend. However, there are still some who believe in these…’
It is clear ‘these’ refers to the myths and legends. Also I’d lose the ‘s’ plural, don’t think it’s needed and for me just sounds smoother

okay comment seems to be cutting off and 'error page' coming up, I have loads for C1 maybe I can email them? :)
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

i liked this, read the first four chapters, picking a mature successful group of musicians, ones who would not need to focus on their craft is a good touch, as is the intertwining of michael's visions with his creative output, i believe i see here elemnents of christian and american indian myth working here, i wonder if it the story would be more effective if it stayed with more of an american indian slant, but perhaps i misread and i have only read the frist chapters, i see a long journey not only for michael, the main character, but for the story, perhaps this is a case where too much is given in the description, the story at times feels like it is following a game plan, a little unexpected might be interesting, well written

You have created a pair of interesting characters in Ruby and Michael. The settings and the mythology are well developed and seem consistent to a non-USA reader. Dialogue comes across as believable. The storyline, of people who see visions, can be a little cliched but you have made it interesting and full of original touches.

I am on chapter 5 and I am really enjoying the story. It catches you and makes you wonder what is coming next. When I started reading your book I could imagine it as film. I think it has what it takes for a great film, so it is a great book. On the other hand I think you may revise the book as it approaches the editor's desk. I am not English and English is not my first language, so I make more mistake than I am allowed when I write, but I think with some editing it will look much, much better. It is missing a thing here or there, nothing too much, but a full stop sowhere, too much space somewhere else, but as I said I shouldn't even comment on this, but I think the book is great and it can be even better. I am rating it with 6 stars and will keep reading it. When I have some space on my bookshelf it shall be there.
Thanks for sharing it. I am really enjoying reading it.
Eddie

Wow, this is a great story (for me), I'm enjoying it immensely.
One minor criticism, the use of I at the start of dialogue doesn't feel right for me, to me it would read better without them. But that could just be me and a Brit thing. Think the narrative and character build is superb, grounds the story and moves it along brilliantly. Great plot. I like this very much and are rating as such. - Ian

My favourite part about this is the dialogue. It’s enjoyable and believable. It’s a great way to show the relationships between your characters and it tells me something about them. Great liberal use of “fuck”, too!

I like the setting and the idea behind the four corners mystery. It’s original, especially because of the characters you’ve created to inhabit it. I preferred the parts describing the group on the tour bus rather than Michael’s visions, but then I’m often impatient with fantasy and especially dream sequences. You dream-sequence descriptions are rather vivid though, which of course is a plus.

At the very beginning of a book like this, it can be a bit off-putting to be given so much background information (how the men met, how long they’ve known each other etc.). I have liked to have learnt this through mini-stories or more gradually through the book.

You have a few typos, like “glanced through window” and some missing speech marks, but nothing major. We all have those.

It’s definitely the sort of thing some readers will love and I can see why it has quite a following. I’ll star it highly.

Thank you for the swap,

Lucy

Hi J.T!
Just return reading after your encouraging comments about Mr Unusually's Circus of Dreams.

I really like the native american theme and references, such a rich and largely untapped source for literature. I also like the rock band stuff too and I can see them working well in tandem through the book.

Your style is good, you sometimes repeat words a little too often. Saw four mentions of the word "coach" in one small paragraph. The same para had a few mentions of 'black' too. Be sure to vary it a bit more. Generally you could do with a good edit (couldn't we all). The first chapter is quite long and needs more variation. More dialogue, more action. The bit with the three visions is just too much altogether.

But there's lots to like here and your ideas are wonderful. Just need to tighten up a bit and be tougher on yourself when you're editing. That's advice I could do with following too!!
All the best and thanks again for reading my book.
Sharda.

Well written, the visuals you create are captivating. I have only started reading but high stars from me so far. The premise is exactly my kind of read can't wait to get back to it.

Linda
Threads of Time