Book Jacket

 

rank 944
word count 89403
date submitted 01.05.2011
date updated 20.05.2012
genres: Historical Fiction, Young Adult, Tr...
classification: universal
complete

A Dot on the Horizon

Lenny Harry

See that bird high in the sky? It glides, its free. You too, can feel free like that bird.

 

In 1869, in their house in Brisbane, seven-year-old Chas, the youngest of three, meets Joe, eleven, a boy of Irish and Aboriginal origin. Chas and Joe go to school together, and roam the open plains with the horse Chas has gotten for his twelfth birthday. Then life takes its course. One day Joe, now thirty-years-old, is brutally murdered. Chas is heartbroken and falls into depression. But life goes on. Chas, adventurous, gets involved in the buffalo hunt, building houses, and breeding horses, and leases land with his friends.
Embarking on a new adventure he goes to the East Indies, sells the horns and hides, and the horses that are grazing on his land, then starts building houses for the army. He falls in love, marries, and start a family, and becomes a man of note. But his wife dies young, and feeling lonely, he becomes involved with the sister, and produces more children. Then World War II breaks out, and he and two of his sons are captured.
In this story, A Dot on the Horizon, spans more than seventy years, and depicts the weal and woe of family life and the political climate during that time.

 
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adventure, family life, friendship, horses, romance, war

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lizjrnm wrote 356 days ago

This is superb writing and I imagine it will do well here. It is a book I'd buy. I have given it 6 stars and put it on my shelf!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Nici wrote 297 days ago

I found much to like in the opening chapter, especially the characterisation of the children and the family relationships. The style is easy to read and with a little editing would flow well e.g. correcting odd typos 'seconded' should be 'second' and in the pitch 'Johnny then finds Peters, he's married and has a child' should be Peter and the comma should be a full stop but I think the sentence would be sharper as 'When Johnny finds Peter, he's married with a child'. Another e.g. of awkwardness is where Handsome appears in the same sentence as handsome meaning attractive - I'd use a synonym to avoid the same word appearing twice with a different meaning.

We're introduced to a lot of people here and it might help if you gave the dead brother a different name from Grandpa Joseph, and if you say who Mary is - Johnny's sister, perhaps? Unless I missed that information.

I have two suggestions to improve the opening; I think you could hook the reader more with the mystery of finding Peter. The key moment to create suspense is 'He promised also to find his father's childhood friend' and the bit about the girlfriend who'd died.' If you added some of Johnny's thoughts here as it is very unusual for a man to emigrate to the other end of the world to track down someone from his father's past. e.g. 'Johnny could still see his father's face as he spoke of Peter, begging his son to put right this wrong that blighted their family in God's eyes' OK I'm making it up but plant some clues to get the reader interested and not enough to give the story away. Everyone seems very accepting of the idea that Johnny wants to take his family to Australia just to find Peter; if I were the other grandparents I'd be arguing like mad! I'm not sure I'd be so accepting a wife either.

The second element that I think would improve the opening would be to give a sense of context - place and time. The dialogue works fine for nineteenth century characters but I had a sense that this was set in the USA and then I checked back at the beginning - I assume that's Northhampton, England, and I'm not being ignorant of a Northhampton, USA? I think it felt American to me because of the name Handsome (struck me as typical of names given to slaves and ex-slaves but again you might know the background here) and Pappy felt like an American term for father or grandfather. The cemetry and church have a physical existence in the novel but I felt there could be occasional descriptions of the town/streets/docks/boat so I can picture where the family is, and get a sense of the period they're living in.

Very interesting idea and the book's on my watchlist.
Jean Gill
Song at Dawn

Karamak wrote 3 days ago

Have read the first chapter and really enjoyed this you paint quite a ambitious narrative and I have WL to read more and see how the story unfolds for now high stars, all the best Karen, Faking it in France.

Lucy Middlemass wrote 8 days ago

A Dot on the Horizon

Your pitch sets out an ambitious premise. A whole lifetime. I’ve read the first chapter and I enjoyed the relationships between the generations, and the children are a lovely, squabbling sort of bunch. The mystery surrounding finding the old man is interesting, as of course is the historical and geographical setting.
The first chapter is very long, and although it isn’t at all boring, I think it would benefit from being split down into smaller chapters. There is a lot of detail about meals and sleeping arrangements and I wonder if these sometimes distract from the overall story. I sometimes felt a bit bogged down in all the family relationships and who was named after and looked like who.

I hope you don’t mind some close criticism. If it isn’t the sort of thing you’re looking for, ignore it. I do intend it helpfully.

Ch 1
“Do we’ve go to school.” This “we’ve” contraction is strange in the sentence, and it’s hard to get the right meaning.

Chas is Johnny’s younger son, not his youngest son. There are only two sons, even though there are three children.

“..you can walk on.” Walk in would make more sense.

The revelation that the wonderfully named Handsome can talk to ghosts seems rather sudden.

John refers to himself as a “guy”. That seems out of place/time to me, although I’m not sure.

I don’t know what a “waving tone” is. Maybe ought to be “wavering”?

The idea of a family starting a new life in a new country is a great premise for a story, a real hook to get me interested. Your writing is smooth, and the dialogue charming and realistic. I like the slightly old-fashioned style. High stars from me, I enjoyed it!

Lucy

Betty K wrote 19 days ago

I thought the writing here was rather sweet and old-fashioned, which is something I happen to like. I liked theway you introduced the children and the plot line of the story.

There were some small nits that need to be edited such as the use of the phrase "leave the country" too close together, but all-in-all, this opening hooks the reader as it should. I did think the chapter is a little long for an opening chapter, but couldn't see a good place to cut it.

It's a great story and I hope you do well.

Betty K "The Merchant's Dilemma"

Gail Pallotta wrote 21 days ago

I've read the first chapter of your book. You've done a good job writing. I can see the characters, and I feel the sad undertones in the story. I'm giving it lots of stars and putting it on my watch list. I hope you can come by to read Stopped Cold. I'd love it if you could star it, back it, etc.

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 37 days ago

Dear Lenny

I have just found your story "A Dot On The Horizon" and took a look at the first chapter. You have a very ambitious premise here, and the scope of your book - travels abroad, settling in Australia - is definitely part of its appeal. Just occasionally I felt that you could use the many opportunities that your script offers, to linger, to describe at closer quarters what is happening. At times, the MS feels rushed. I know we all move quickly, but small details, lovingly described, help to bring the reader into the story.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

Atieno wrote 41 days ago

such simple use of words make a writng exotic and you nailed it! I am reading more!
so lovely!
Josphine

Luke Goode wrote 45 days ago

I like the idea of the story. I struggle with the amount of dialogue / prose ratio at the start. Have you considered the possibility of using this as a script, I think it would make a great film. Overall I like it, right idea.

Dianna Lanser wrote 65 days ago

Lenny,

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to A Dot on the Horizon. I’ve read through chapter three and have fallen in love with Johnny’s family and the story’s simple prose. I especially enjoyed reading about Joe’s traditions that he handed down to Chas, and I couldn’t help wonder how they will influence his future endeavors. I was surprised to learned that bush “tucker” is really tukka.

The telling of the story keeps such a steady, deliberate pace and I am committed to your characters because I have watched them grow from children into adults. But as I said in my first review, I still long to see more emotion in them.

I think the death of Sam and Elsie’s parents would be an occasion to allow your characters to show some feelings. And then the reader could better understand Chas’ need to ride out into the plains.

All in all though, your book has a wonderful story and a spirit to it that is quite compelling!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

JMF wrote 97 days ago

Hi
I like the idea behind your story - a family starting a new life in a different country. There is plenty of scope here for a rich and varied story, so well done for that. My thoughts about the first chapter are that it is a bit on the long side and perhaps you could find some kind of a hook to catch the attention of the reader in a more direct way. So the hook is obviously the journey to find Peter Simpson. This needs to be built up more so that we know more about him and his relationship to the children's grandfather. I found some of the sentences rather long, particularly the descriptions of the children and I think they would benefit from being shortened. Some of the dialogue appears a little forced as if it is being used to impart information to the reader rather than to reveal characters' personalities.
Historical fiction is not usually an interest for me but I like the thought of learning some facts, so I may just have to give it another go! Well done for getting this far. I hope you take my comments in the spirit which they are intended. Of course please feel free to ignore if you wish.
All the best with your writing.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Su Dan wrote 120 days ago

nicely written story... original and you have a good flowing style...
on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

The Nomad wrote 205 days ago

I have read a good portion of this book and very much enjoyed it. The story itelf is great; not only following this family to their new life but just the eras they span from beginning to end makes it all the more fascinating. The writing is good and to the point, I don't think you need to add anything to a sentence for the sake of it.
Perhaps, I would split the chapters a little bit though. Some of the breaks on them feel to me like they should be on the next page.
That aside, a great read and great story. Backed.

The Nomad

THE ISLAND EXPERIMENT

Dianna Lanser wrote 216 days ago

Lenny,

The premise for your story is delightful - following a family as they exchange the comfort of the familiar to discover a new life in the strange new land down under. Your writing is crisp and direct. While the story flows along purposefully, I thought it lacked feeling. I wanted to get inside the head of Johnny and his family. Instead of knowing every detail of what they were doing, I was hoping to find out what they were experiencing inside, what was motivating them, what concerened them… If you were trying to portray the no-nonsense character of Johnny by your matter-of-fact prose - then that’s all good, it is very effective. But later on in your story when things get tough for the family, (as your pitch promises) then you are going to want your young adult reader to identify with and feel something for your characters, especially Chas. I’m sure you’ve heard the quote “show not tell.” Perhaps that’s what is lacking here. If you stick with the wonderful plot of your story and follow that one rule, you will produce a winner!! God’s best to you.

Sincerely,
Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Nightdream wrote 237 days ago

That first sentence was as startling as a ruler slapping your face I guess. :/ it was a wake up call to sit up and listen to the story the author is trying to say. what a great intro. LOVED it.

It’s hard to critique you I noticed. Your writing is perfect. It flows, your dialogue truly stand out as amazing, and your characters are fierce. I instantly know who they are the second they start talking, especially with Johnny.

Just the small things I loved, whether it be the interaction with Johnny and his kids wondering about Aussie land or to even when Johnny was worry about finding a job. There was so many good things that I can’t even list them all. and that’s a sign of a good writer. LOVED the story so far. 6 stars for sure and your are in my list of 10 books to back in the future when I trade out my shelf.

- when there was a short jump from time in the middle of the chapter with ‘five weeks later' and ‘a few weeks later'. it seemed to mess with the flow just a little.
- not a quote fan at the beginning of a chapter unless it’s the authors. Just wanted to bring it to your attention
- think about splitting the chapter in two for only this site. people are turned off by long chapters

LJWamp wrote 247 days ago

Your long pitch is a bit confusing. You speak of Johnny and his three children, so I assumed he had no wife. Next you mention Johnny finding Peters and I think Peters has a wife and a child. But then reading further I see that Johnny finds a wife and adopts a child. Is that correct? Perhaps the part about Johnny getting married and having a child should go with the next paragraph?

jlbwye wrote 254 days ago

Dot on the Horizon. Lenny, l last reviewed your book three months ago. I read on in anticipation.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.3. I am enjoying your simple tale of Joe and Chas growing up, and the generousity of Elise, and the dreams in the wilderness. But isnt this chapter rather too long? Perhaps you could break it into two before the wedding.
Of course it needs editing, but so do we all. I can just imagine them all speaking as you write their words, living their lives and dealing with new experiences.

Ch.4. Doesnt Joe's death come rather suddenly? And I wonder how old he was. You miss a good opportunity to lead up to it in suspense with descriptions, perhaps of the racial tension, and scenes of fighting in the community.
The chatter and mundane life of Chas and Paul provide a clearly authentic background, but the story doesnt seem to be going anywhere. In fact, there is hardly a plot at all, with a beginning, a middle and an end. There are no problems for the men to face, then think up a way round, then take action - only to discover another problem has appeared, so that the cycle can be repeated over and over to keep your readers' interest.
You make a good job of describing the disgusting slaughter and butchery of the buffaloes.
Perhaps you could break this chapter in two as well - where Chas starts on the building project?

You have done a lot of work on this book, and there's more to do! I wonder how many of us writers would have started, if we'd known the work involved..... but it is always worth it in the end.
Jane (Breath of Africa).

Mach100 wrote 288 days ago

Hello Lenny,
Ch.2 It’s doubtful that the ship’s surgeon would be receiving passengers let alone guiding them to their cabins at any period in history. The purser or even an ordinary seaman would be the most likely crewmember to do that. If they left from London (as you say) they certainly wouldn’t have been on the North Sea unless the navigator was extremely drunk. The surgeon on your ship seems to be a jack of all trades acting as chaplain too.
I don’t think that there was every a rank in British naval circles called mess constable or any other kind of constable. Recommend that you do some research on ranks and duties in the merchant navy. They did not eat in a mess but in a dining saloon.
“How was he ganna tell…” should be “How was he going to tell…”
There are a hell of a lot of errors in typing and missing words. I strongly recommend that you run a grammar and spelling check on MS Word. It may not be the best editor but it will certainly highlight the worst of your glitches. Also try reading the story aloud, using punctuation as pauses and see how well or poorly it flows.
Where do you think they had a school or a library on a Victorian ship? Research what you don’t know or don’t write about it. Who did the teaching – the surgeon? You’d be amazed at what you can find on the web just by googling the right questions.
Read your story a few times, editing it each time and then upload it again.
Best wishes, Charles (Mach100)

Mach100 wrote 289 days ago

Hello Lenny,
It seems unlikely that Johnny would be so foolish as to give up his job a full four months before leaving the country, especially given his profession. I don’t think that tradesmen in those times earned enough to allow for such luxuries. Johnny’s poor state of finances is later confirmed when he says he can’t afford a horse. Then on the eve of their departure, Johnny takes his last pair of shoes to the factory!? What, did he make them at home? If he was an employee he would have made them in the factory. If he was an independent cobbler, he would have worked on commission or had a shop where he sold his wares. I think that you need to do a little more research.
In Victorian times, children were seen and not heard. I think you’ve given them too much freedom for the period. Your punctuation needs a fair bit of attention. Sometimes a full stop appears in mid-sentence and elsewhere it’s missing. Not quite sure how it happens but in one place at least, I’ve seen a bit of dialogue starting with a curly inverted comma as opposed to the straight ones everywhere else.
At the cemetery, it was sombre cloudy then all of a sudden it was a lovely autumn day. Mr Murphy (whoever he was) being there was strange enough but for him to single Chas out and introduce himself with hardly anything else to say to the adults just doesn’t ring true.
Chas was ‘not afraid of the horse’ – not ‘…afraid for…’ Why would he be afraid for the horse unless it was in some kind of danger?
‘Chas watched the horse and rider, and when he couldn't see it anymore, he started to peer at the disappearing figure till the horse and its rider had become just a dot.’ This is tautology or certainly something close to it. Be careful of repetition. You did sometime similar earlier, albeit separated by a few paragraphs, when Johnny repeated verbatim his little speech about the reasons for leaving England.
‘Chas said in a whisper’ not ‘…on a whisper…’
The conversations seem stilted with one character answering the other with a repetition of what was said. Also nothing seems to be in character with the time. You should read at least one Dickens novel to get a feel for what I mean. Things may have been more relaxed in Australia but formality was the order of the day in England.
Having said all that, I like the story enough to continue reading. I hope that you’ll spend a little time looking at one or more of my books too.
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)


Mach100 wrote 290 days ago

Hello Lenny,
Thank you for backing 'Torpedoed', I hope you enjoy it. I have added your book to my list and will comment on it when I get around to reading it.
Best wishes, Charles (Mach100)

Nici wrote 297 days ago

I found much to like in the opening chapter, especially the characterisation of the children and the family relationships. The style is easy to read and with a little editing would flow well e.g. correcting odd typos 'seconded' should be 'second' and in the pitch 'Johnny then finds Peters, he's married and has a child' should be Peter and the comma should be a full stop but I think the sentence would be sharper as 'When Johnny finds Peter, he's married with a child'. Another e.g. of awkwardness is where Handsome appears in the same sentence as handsome meaning attractive - I'd use a synonym to avoid the same word appearing twice with a different meaning.

We're introduced to a lot of people here and it might help if you gave the dead brother a different name from Grandpa Joseph, and if you say who Mary is - Johnny's sister, perhaps? Unless I missed that information.

I have two suggestions to improve the opening; I think you could hook the reader more with the mystery of finding Peter. The key moment to create suspense is 'He promised also to find his father's childhood friend' and the bit about the girlfriend who'd died.' If you added some of Johnny's thoughts here as it is very unusual for a man to emigrate to the other end of the world to track down someone from his father's past. e.g. 'Johnny could still see his father's face as he spoke of Peter, begging his son to put right this wrong that blighted their family in God's eyes' OK I'm making it up but plant some clues to get the reader interested and not enough to give the story away. Everyone seems very accepting of the idea that Johnny wants to take his family to Australia just to find Peter; if I were the other grandparents I'd be arguing like mad! I'm not sure I'd be so accepting a wife either.

The second element that I think would improve the opening would be to give a sense of context - place and time. The dialogue works fine for nineteenth century characters but I had a sense that this was set in the USA and then I checked back at the beginning - I assume that's Northhampton, England, and I'm not being ignorant of a Northhampton, USA? I think it felt American to me because of the name Handsome (struck me as typical of names given to slaves and ex-slaves but again you might know the background here) and Pappy felt like an American term for father or grandfather. The cemetry and church have a physical existence in the novel but I felt there could be occasional descriptions of the town/streets/docks/boat so I can picture where the family is, and get a sense of the period they're living in.

Very interesting idea and the book's on my watchlist.
Jean Gill
Song at Dawn

TMTHOMSON wrote 311 days ago

I wish you luck with this and have placed it on my watch list.
BTW in the dialogue where husband and wife are talking about her telling her parents, 'He agreed' is enough, 'Of course we must go see them' is redundant, especially as in the next sentence this info is repeated.
Best of luck
TM

strachan gordon wrote 338 days ago

Hello Lenny,I read the first two chapters of your book - it is certainly quite an ambitious work and it displays narrative drive,combined with a clear style and simple,direct vocabulary.What you need to look out for,is giving the reader some detail about the family,what they look like and how theyre dressed,then some sense of the physical boat and above alla description of the new land of Australia,what it looks like,what it feels like to visit as a European and an immigrant.I wish you all the very best with it and thankyou again for backing my book,Strachan Gordon.

jlbwye wrote 348 days ago

Dot on the Horizon.
I like the golden glow of your cover, reminding me of Australian sunshine. Your short pitch tells me what to expect (though dont you mean family saga?). But I find your long pitch a bit confusing with all those names. Have you thought of joining the Historical Fiction Readers Group in the Forum?

I take notes as I write, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. You dive right into the story, and report conversation as it is spoken. This is not always wise with the written word, as it reads jerkily and distracts the reader.
You dont need to tell the reader twice that the emigration officer is young.
I am transported into your world, even though several editorial changes are needed - repetitions to be addressed, which could reduce the length of the chapter.
We meet the family, witness the development of the children's characters, and wait for departure, feeling the sadness. And we understand the significance of the title.

Ch.2. You could safely delete the paragraph starting 'It was obvious...'
And you repeat yourself: 'You children look healthy. They arent sick.'
You dont need to say both tedious and long.
This is nit-picking, I know, but it does distract the reader and spoil the flow of your story, which is worth telling. I will try not to notice them from now on.
Your description of the family arriving in Australia is interesting, but the pace is quite slow. When you have edited out the unnecessary repetitions, it should improve the flow.
Finally, we come to the search for Peter Simpson - but it is a very short search. I feel you could have had more build up to it in the preceding pages, to creat anticipation for the reader.

Yours is a well-worn theme, but the childrens' viewpoints are interesting, and you capture well the feeling of strangeness and discomfort. There is a lot of work to be done on your story, but we all have that problem, and I for one find it tedious, but it is always worth it in the end.

I wish you luck with this.
Jane. (Breath of Africa).

Dr Ajay Kansal wrote 354 days ago

Good pitch and I rated and backed it.

lizjrnm wrote 356 days ago

This is superb writing and I imagine it will do well here. It is a book I'd buy. I have given it 6 stars and put it on my shelf!

Liz
The Cheech Room

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