"Az Kapitany"

Hands down, the best erotica book on this site! BACKED 100%!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Strong characters and darkly sensual and believable sex scenes, everything I love. Indeed, I back this with pleasure

Sessha

Hi there,
What an intriguing premise. Fascinating in fact. To me, this reads like a story on many levels and you weave them all together to make the whole, does this make sense? I find this complex and involving and I will have to read more.
I particularly liked Elizabeth, she is well drawn and I can almost feel her emotions, you portray them well.
IMO, this is well written, it is evocative and thought provoking. I like the Hungarian element, this is something new to me.
I going to put this on my SHELF!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Hiya AnnabelleP...I'm so sorry that I am just getting back here...have been writing on another novel for weeks, and also my blog: http://ladynyo.wordpress.com

There has been so much going on right now...You are right, it IS a story on many different levels and weaving them together is getting easier, as I work on OTHER novels....LOL!

I can't wait to get back to this one, though, because it 's a very personal journey for me.

Thank you for reading "A Kapitany" and check out my blog for other news....I am a poet, and will be publishing another book of poetry soon. Just published "A Seasoning of Lust" through lulu.com this Feb. and am working on a couple of projects....just picked the name of the newest poetry book last night: came in a dream:

"White Cranes of Heaven".

Thanks so much for reading and for your comments. We writers live for comments! LOL!

My best,

Jane/Lady Nyo/ Teela

Hi there,
What an intriguing premise. Fascinating in fact. To me, this reads like a story on many levels and you weave them all together to make the whole, does this make sense? I find this complex and involving and I will have to read more.
I particularly liked Elizabeth, she is well drawn and I can almost feel her emotions, you portray them well.
IMO, this is well written, it is evocative and thought provoking. I like the Hungarian element, this is something new to me.
I going to put this on my SHELF!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

This is absolutely amazing. I meant only to read the first couple of chapters, but found myself disappointed when 14 chapters later there was no more to read! Truely awesome.

Rosemary Heart.

Hi Rosemary! First, thank you so much for reading what I have written. I slacked off on "A Kapitany" (got the Hungarian wrong in the first word...LOL!) but I am seriously thinking about going back to completely this book.

It was the third I wrote in two years and I was exhausted...also, I have moved away from the bdsm theme because I got squirked by the association. I think that I can handle it better now, or maybe...(lots of therapy !!!) but please tell me what you for 'absolutely amazing ' about it.

That people are reading it is very gratifying, and perhaps that will spur me on to finishing it. I do know a dear friend, Bill Penrose, who is a marvelous writer, ("Ancestors of Star", " Mortal Turpitude") likes this book and he also is the papa of my new book , now published by Lulu.com: "A Seasoning of Lust"...NOT porn as my mother said today...it's literary erotica!

In any case, I am very thankful you read this and perhaps I can finish it. I need a break from another novel...."Devil's Revenge" which is so damn long....magic/ Demons/Druids/ time warp....which I might post here, though it is only (!!) 120,000 words...and not finished.

Thank you so much, Rosemary....I understand you are a musician?

Jane

This is absolutely amazing. I meant only to read the first couple of chapters, but found myself disappointed when 14 chapters later there was no more to read! Truely awesome.

Rosemary Heart.

Hi Jane,
I usually don't read erotica but I was interested because of the Hungarian connection. I am not too familiar with the conventions of your chosen genre so I am reluctant to offer criticism (for me the meeting with Dohenhy was a bit fast), but since I am Hungarian I can at least help with the Hungarian sentences.
"Zoltán was a wonderful friend, a Prince among men" is correctly: "Zoltán csodás barát volt, herceg a férfiak között."
Also, Vadas is actually Vadász - Vadas is more like warren. I am not sure about the title either; the definite article before a consonant is "a", not 'az", so the title should be "A kapitány".
Hope this helps.
Good luck with your book!
Best,
Csilla

Thank you, Csilla! I was raised in America by a Hungarian father, so my Hungarian is about null. I deeply appreciate your help here with the language. I was not sure about "Az"...but you have clarified this for me. I haven't worked on this novel in two years....as I just published a book of Poetry and Short Stories: "A Seasoning of Lust" with lulu.com.

I have two other novels in front of "Kapitany" and must do much more research.

Thank you, again, for your comments and helpfulness.

Jane

Hi Jane,
I usually don't read erotica but I was interested because of the Hungarian connection. I am not too familiar with the conventions of your chosen genre so I am reluctant to offer criticism (for me the meeting with Dohenhy was a bit fast), but since I am Hungarian I can at least help with the Hungarian sentences.
"Zoltán was a wonderful friend, a Prince among men" is correctly: "Zoltán csodás barát volt, herceg a férfiak között."
Also, Vadas is actually Vadász - Vadas is more like warren. I am not sure about the title either; the definite article before a consonant is "a", not 'az", so the title should be "A kapitány".
Hope this helps.
Good luck with your book!
Best,
Csilla

Jane, how can I not back this? (On which reasoning, I have). Not only is your writing clipped, suggestive, dark and sensuous, and your characters intriguing, but you're writing about Hungarian vineyards (the same as me). Like The Story of O with a break for Tokaji! I've only come across one other book about Hungary on this site - The Hungarian Girl Trap (loved that as well).

One question - I know she's got a New Jersey accent, but why Tokay not Tokaji when you have lots of detail about the Hungarian language? PS - what's "coy" about Tokay - something like that could alienate a reader from your protag :-) As far as I know there's centuries of history, intrigue, even loodshed gone into its mythology, and it's about the most erotic drink in the world - the sensations a slow-sipped glass of Eszencia produce - Gee golly gosh ;-)

Jane I don't want to beg, but I've only had one person who knows anything about Hungary take a peek at Songs so I would be hugely grateful if you could pop over. No pressure though.

Jane, I read the opening chapters of 2 chapters of Az Cap, and overall I think it is pretty well done. I've got some issues, but also some things I really liked about the story and the writing. And some of the things I'm not so high on may be more subjective, personal taste.

Definitely some sizzling sex scenes, graphic yet erotic, sensual and sensuous, without crossing into the realm of too biological. The waiting V makes Elizabeth go through also makes the reader wait for a bit, building up some good tension and anticipation. From the blurb and the early introduction of the characters, I feel like there's going to be an interesting story here to go with the sizzle -- the Dom, Hungary, art thieves -- it just has a very noir or even slightly gothic feel to it that will really add to the eroticism.

On the flipside, what I found here was a main character that I'm not really developing any sympathy for. She's still early in the story, feeling a little flat and 2-dimensional, having a nice dinner with her elderly aunt, and while waiting for the restroom this overbearing man practically sexually assaults her in the hallway. I know how 99.9% of women would react in that situation in real life (screaming, kneeing him in the nutsack). I can suspend disbelief for fiction, but I haven't seen anything in her personality or life up to this point that would explain why she acquiesced so easily. Okay, she's divorced and hasn't had a man around in a while. So she's going to leave her aunt and go get in a car with this guy. The plausibility factor took some of the sizzle out of the scene. If there were more build-up to this first encounter, lengthen that anticipation while letting us get to know Elizabeth more, what her motivation is, how she is feeling about life in general, relationships, etc., and in such a way where when a complete stranger kisses her in the restaurant and then orders her to the car with instructions to obey his every command, there's something there where the reader can understand "why" she might fall right into this.

Likewise when the 2nd chapter begins, it's two days later, she's getting ready to go see him again, and she suddenly makes a mental note to ask how he had known her name. Just struck me as odd or out of character. Then in this chapter, after this build up about how in control he is, dominating her, making her wait, he suddenly has to give in to her for sex. That didn't seem to fit with his character to me. The scene was hot, but I think it would have been much more so if that occurred somewhat later, or in a scene that is within his dom character's personality.

A couple little things -- twice early in the book you mention that her Uncle Zoltan died the year before.

When the character says things like "for some reason, I couldn't resist" or when she started crying so uncontrollably because of the music, I need to know more. Why couldn't she resist? What is she thinking? What is she feeling? She's not thinking to herself, I can't resist and I don't know the reason. And there's no clue as to why this music has such an emotional affect on her, and it doesn't seem to go anywhere with that point afterwards. If it affects her this way, that has to be important, but it's not mentioned again. Maybe you come back to that later and don't want to give it all away at this point, but I think there needs to be some clue before and/or after so it doesn't seem so random.

I'd like to see more of the characters and more of the big plot line as outlined in the blurb start to come into focus more so that I have people I'm engaged with and a story that is compelling me forward, and then have the sex scenes that build slowly and let the tension and anticipation (among other things) rise over several chapters, rather than 2 chapters in and there have been 2 or 3 hot scenes, but I don't know the characters or the story line yet.

It's clear you have the writing skills to pull it off. It may not be a fair critique to read 2 chapters and suggest restructuring the novel, but I'm afraid I would have stopped reading at the end of ch 2, if not before. Maybe you can look at where the book starts...perhaps somewhere in the middle with a heavy scene, then a flashback to the beginning in the restaurant and bring the story forward from there. I think you have the makings of a very literate piece of erotica here, and I wish you nothing but the best with it.

I'll be glad to come back to this at a later time to read some more, or answer any questions you might have about why I felt a certain way about the book, if you like.

Thanks!

Robb

LOL! So am I, Bill...so am I...

I have to get your "Ancestor's of Star" on my booklist....so I will do that today.

And you published it!!!! That is the most wonderful news...

Thanks, Bill..

Jane

As you know (but others don't), I've read this in draft. It's a great story, with strongly drawn characters and smoldering sexuality. I'm waiting for the rest.