Bard's Tale

A bards tale written with a bards skill. The most annoying thing about this site is finding the start of what promises to be a great book yet knowing that all you have time to look at is a couple of chapters before being compelled to move on to the next owed read. And this is certainly one of those annoying occasions.
I rarely read fantasy now but this is well written and quite absorbing, reminding me of the fantasy stories I used to read when I was a bit younger. The only thing I found a touch strange was your use of names like George and Kevin. To me they just didn't sound right even though Owen seems to fit. Why, I don't know, George isn't a modern name, but there you go, it just seemed out of place.
But that's a minor thing, a personal opinion, and let us not let that detract from just how much I enjoyed this. Traditional yet with some new ideas, a tale with violence yet not gratuitous, a hero with a hint of tragedy in his past and a cast of other characters we care about in the space of a few paragraphs, such as poor Brin. Quite masterful content and that's what matters, the odd typo here and there being easy to sort out at some point by an editor.

James

Hi Silverback,

What can I say, having seen my chance and grabbed it, I was not disappointed. Another chapter, another surprise. That is one incredible fight scene, and the tragic end for young Brin was spell binding. At 146 you are higher up the ranking than me, although that doesn't surprise me. I am now looking forward to my next escape to read more. I felt I was in that clearing.

Take care,
pilp4002 [Phil Phoenix - author of The JET! Trilogy]

P.s. 6 stars and I've watchlisted your other two books as well!

Owen I'm busy trying to back you but I keep getting some bunk about java scripts and cookies even though all that crap is enabled. Will sort it out asap.

For now, keep up the good spurts

Hi, At last i've got round to reading a chapter of The Bard's Tale, and I wasn't dissapointed. I see Rubyone used the word atmospheric in her appraisal, and that is exactly the word I'm going to use. I have demanded more time to read the rest of this book, but as yet haven't had a reply. If my request is refused I shall complain to a higher authority, because I will read the rest of this book - I will.

Love that first paragraph where he encounters the mysterious misshapen creature, very graphic, I think this book would make an excellent film.
Phil Phoenix. [philp4002] Author of The JET! Trilogy.

Very good start - reminds me of Kurt Vonnegut and Cat's Cradle with the ideas of things aren't as random as they seem. Keep up the good work.

An impressive beginning very atmospheric. Look forward to reading the entire book.

Just started reading and already I like Owen very much. The culture that you've built in within the first few pages is very well done and believable. I'm still reading in my free time and will have more for you soon.

Glad to see your book is still doing well! I need to get some time to review it thoroughly.

I just updated "The Devil Of Black Bayou". West African voodoo from a hunchback pirate has just come into Antoine's Valterre's world, his near death duel and humiliation by a powerful West African chief, and the mind of minor chracters come to play too with the ghost of Jean Lafitte not too far off either.

Did this all occur or did it already occur since Antoine's well long undead?

Plus a real character finally surfaces..The French Quarter and all the mystery to come with this fickle lady.

Hope you enjoy it.--JL

Oh this is very good!
I read only a little, I'm afraid, but not for lack of interest.
(You know this needs a comprehensive edit, so I've not bothered picking out elements of typing and grammar.)
I like the way you introduce your hero - and his mount. Straight away I warmed to him, in his affection for his horse.
The false alarm is nicely done.
You have created a convincing series of customs which you reveal as your MC enters the camp at the opening of your tale. You don't need to explain, they have their own conviction. This takes some art and you have done it well.
(A brace is a pair, not three.)
You raise the initial suspicion of elves without feeling the need to underline it, which I liked.
Margaret is a horse? Owen must be a fine bard to own a horse, no? But there is no other sign of wealth. Even a degree of ease in the lady Erin's company does not explain it, since I'd expect a bard to mix with all sorts. Later you describe quite fine clothes, but by now it is unclear whether these clothes are an illusion. The trappings of wealth without its comfort is an intrigue you might want to consider bringing in more clearly, and earlier.
I was also slightly puzzled by your depiction of Owen setting up to sing. ("With infinite care Owen placed it on a frame beside him before taking a more workman like instrument from the other case.") It's  not clear at first what is happening, and though you explain shortly after, it is distracting.
The fight is well done - and I don't often read convincing fights.
The tragedy at the end of chapter one - just when you have (horrid man!) lured me into a false sense of complacency that all will end well - is really awful: well done! With the tantalising reference to the oak leaf ring you lead the reader beautifully into chapter two.

I am truly terrible at coming back even to a fine read like this, but I shall make a note to back it when I next sit at a PC (which might be a while). I am most impressed.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

The start of this book begins with one of my favourite lines ‘The shape resolved itself into that of a slim young woman, carrying a large bundle of wood strapped to her back.’ Your use of light, from the setting sun to reveal her shape, was most effective.

‘Both man and beast become as statues, only their gentle breathing showing any semblance of life.’ I felt was a wonderful use of imagery to enrich the story, adding a real sense of depth and substance.

‘Erin felt at peace as the sound wrapped around her like a warm blanket easing her fears’ I’m not quite sure here, I was wondering if ‘Pain’ might be a better word choice to describe the loss of her husband, instead of ‘fear’ just a minor point.

Finally, this story is enriched with a combination of imagery, realistic dialogue that is clearly fitting for the time period; coupled with believable characters.

6 stars!

A great cover, very inviting. It is a shame about the errors as they do distract but once edited a little to remove, for example whipped/wiped, the read will flow much better. The basic story is entertaining and I think I could really get into it. The characters are developing well. Your strength is in your amazing imagination and I guess if you told the tale verbally no one would notice any errors. With a little work this will be a great story. Candy.

First off - brilliant cover!
I'm not a fantasy reader so I'm not really the best person to comment on your story, but from what I've read the tale seems to have a good pace and plenty of action.
I'm afraid I didn't get as far as I'd like because I kept stumbling over the errors in the writing. I see you are dyslexic - well done for tackling a novel - that's pretty impressive. Is there anyone who could help you? It just needs some simple editing and you would perhaps avoid losing potential readers and backers.

Good luck.
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

description is great, the world you have created becomes real

Dear Owen,
‘Coincidence’ starts off very well. You’ve created an aura of suspense, romance and mystery from the very beginning quite effectively. The humour was excellent, situational and subtle. And the action was awesome. The best thing though was the dialogue. It’s so very apt for the genre that the first sentences uttered by the characters instantly transported me to the forest clearing and campsite. Although I must confess, I was already feeling a slight tug in that direction.
I don’t have much to comment on the use of language, except that I found it very warm and comforting. I have a feeling that you didn’t type it out yourself. Someone else, perhaps younger, did it for you while you dictated. Apologies if I’m wrong, but there are far too many misspellings and minor grammatical errors to have been the handiwork of someone as eloquent as you.
‘Bard’s Tale’ will stay on my WL and I’ll keep coming back to it from time to time. I plan to put it on my bookshelf a few days later, 6 BIG stars for now.
Regards,
AGC

Alas I did write it myself so all the spelling errors and bad grammer are down to me. Unfortunately I'm Dyslexic, I can read very well but I can't write that well, mind you as a scientist, ex analytical chemist, that could be thought of as a bonus.
I'm glad you like the book and I can assure you it gets better as it goes along.
Owen

Dear Owen,
‘Coincidence’ starts off very well. You’ve created an aura of suspense, romance and mystery from the very beginning quite effectively. The humour was excellent, situational and subtle. And the action was awesome. The best thing though was the dialogue. It’s so very apt for the genre that the first sentences uttered by the characters instantly transported me to the forest clearing and campsite. Although I must confess, I was already feeling a slight tug in that direction.
I don’t have much to comment on the use of language, except that I found it very warm and comforting. I have a feeling that you didn’t type it out yourself. Someone else, perhaps younger, did it for you while you dictated. Apologies if I’m wrong, but there are far too many misspellings and minor grammatical errors to have been the handiwork of someone as eloquent as you.
‘Bard’s Tale’ will stay on my WL and I’ll keep coming back to it from time to time. I plan to put it on my bookshelf a few days later, 6 BIG stars for now.
Regards,
AGC

Bard's Tale

Short Pitch: I’m afraid I learnt very little from this that would tell me what to expect. The second sentence is not the kind of lame advert that you can get away with in a pitch. I should re-think this.

Long Pitch: more bad news. This pitch sucks big time. The reader sees ‘with, I hope, a difference’ and thinks, ‘well it either has a difference or not and the author doesn’t seem to be sure.’ I think seriously that the fact of the composition being linked short stories is something you must consider carefully. I don’t mean that it’s wrong or that you should change it but that in literature where it works the reader is still taken on a journey and the fact of the separate stories and their eventual linkage is slowly revealed. It then constitutes a large part of the enjoyment as the reader figures the way through. So, this pitch is too long, descriptive and detailed.

I’m afraid I’m not familiar enough with this sub-genre of fantasy to know if this it too long. At nearly 270,000 words it would seem so to me but, as I say, I don’t really know.

Habitual errors I noticed: “to” instead of “too”; “of” instead of “off”; inappropriate apostrophes “leg’s” instead of “legs”. Unwieldy run on sentences and spell check errors such as “where” instead of “were”.

What I read was an intriguing story with an interesting MC of multiple talents. In terms of the writing I would say you need to edit for a couple of things. Some of the paragraphs are too long. Those dealing with the action sequences especially need to be short and sharp. Avoid phrases like ‘as soon as’ and stick in single active verbs instead: ‘whirling past them’ that sort of thing.

An interesting tale starts to unfold.

Thanks for the comment on Bards Tale Pete.
I do have trouble with too and to, and with off and of, I suspect you found the ones I had right originally but thought were wrong, sigh.
I'm sorry that you didn't like the pitches i'll have to take a good look at them and see what I can do. As for the length of the book it is required so I can tell the story properly. The trouble is that most peoples idea of fantasy is teenage angst vampires and not the hard core Sword and Sorcery of Terry Goodkin, Steven Donalson and of course the seminal Lord of the Rings which are far longer than my effort.
A novel of linked short stories is nothing new you just have to read 'Pilgrims Progress' and Chaucers 'Canterbury Tales' but it hadn't to my knowledge been tried in a fantasy setting before.
I hope you enjoyed the book for all that.
Owen
ps if you see a little 3ft 7in red haired woman dressed in black looking at you strangely don't worry its just my little assassin Dannia coming round for my pound of flesh. On second thoughts worry.

Bard's Tale

Short Pitch: I’m afraid I learnt very little from this that would tell me what to expect. The second sentence is not the kind of lame advert that you can get away with in a pitch. I should re-think this.

Long Pitch: more bad news. This pitch sucks big time. The reader sees ‘with, I hope, a difference’ and thinks, ‘well it either has a difference or not and the author doesn’t seem to be sure.’ I think seriously that the fact of the composition being linked short stories is something you must consider carefully. I don’t mean that it’s wrong or that you should change it but that in literature where it works the reader is still taken on a journey and the fact of the separate stories and their eventual linkage is slowly revealed. It then constitutes a large part of the enjoyment as the reader figures the way through. So, this pitch is too long, descriptive and detailed.

I’m afraid I’m not familiar enough with this sub-genre of fantasy to know if this it too long. At nearly 270,000 words it would seem so to me but, as I say, I don’t really know.

Habitual errors I noticed: “to” instead of “too”; “of” instead of “off”; inappropriate apostrophes “leg’s” instead of “legs”. Unwieldy run on sentences and spell check errors such as “where” instead of “were”.

What I read was an intriguing story with an interesting MC of multiple talents. In terms of the writing I would say you need to edit for a couple of things. Some of the paragraphs are too long. Those dealing with the action sequences especially need to be short and sharp. Avoid phrases like ‘as soon as’ and stick in single active verbs instead: ‘whirling past them’ that sort of thing.

An interesting tale starts to unfold.

Owen,
I had the pleasure of reading the first chapter of Bard's Tale. I'm never less than amazed by the imaginations of authors who write in the fantasy genre. You describe the scene so well when Owen encounters the three strangers in the forest while he is traveling through it on horseback. The older woman, the younger woman, and the boy come to life in the prose. It seems to be another world your readers enter while reading this account as it's hard to imagine three strangers one encounters in the woods being so hospitable in the world we live in. The plot you have outlined in your synopsis is alluring due to the bizarre scenarios you have crafted into a work of fiction. This has great appeal to readers of this genre who can be captivated by a reading adventure into another world the author has imagined and described in such vivid detail. This is one I would want to read more of as you captured my interest from the first scene and the storyline is nothing I could have imagined on my own.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Has been an enjoyable read, though I've only made it through a couple of chapters. I will make it back around again for another read in time.
What I would like more of is a bit more description of the characters appearances, and maybe letting us see a little more of where Owen has come from - who he is. I am sure in time we will know, but it is only my preference to have a better idea from the beginning. I had a hard time warming up to him.
Intriguing though, you definitely get on a dark feeling and are left wondering where the story will take us next. I have enjoyed it! I do like the cover too, well done.

Thanks for the comment. It seems I have been successful with Owen who I wanted to keep a bit of a mystery and have you slowly warm to him. As for discriptions of the characters appearances I've tried to give hints eary on and then give a full description later on when they are bathing to get rid the results of a battle they have had.
But I'm glad you enjoyed it. Please give it a further go and follow the mystery to its climax it may suprise you.
Owen Dorr
ps the cover is supposed to be Owen.
~E

Has been an enjoyable read, though I've only made it through a couple of chapters. I will make it back around again for another read in time.
What I would like more of is a bit more description of the characters appearances, and maybe letting us see a little more of where Owen has come from - who he is. I am sure in time we will know, but it is only my preference to have a better idea from the beginning. I had a hard time warming up to him.
Intriguing though, you definitely get on a dark feeling and are left wondering where the story will take us next. I have enjoyed it! I do like the cover too, well done.
~E

Hi Owen
Have just read the first chapter of Bard’s Tale. From the beginning, when Owen first sees those figures in the flickering light of the campfire I was drawn into this exceptional story. Your description of the setting is superb – I felt I was actually in that forest - it takes a talented writer to do that. Also, the plot is developing nicely, with plenty of mystery and intrigue to follow. The mark of a good story, to me, is that you forget you’re reading a book and have the feeling that you have suddenly stumbled into someone else’s real world. What really kept me reading, though is your ability to create compelling characters. I was soon attached to Owen, Erin, Aron and Brin and that’s what makes the end of the chapter so horrific. It’s not often that the demise of a minor character (in the sense that Brin only been in the story for a few pages) has had such an emotional impact. Will definitely be reading more and will come back with some more comments. Highly rated and deserves to up there at the top.

this is not what l expected! your bloody sequence is very effective, and descriptive...l was nearly sick...
l have booked this book...
6 stars******
read SEASONS...

My kind of story! Happy to put this on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
Rog50

I don’t understand why this book isn’t receiving the attention it deserves. Great pacing, interesting premise and good dialogue, and that’s just the opening paragraphs. Backed and highly stared. Get out there and promote this, you deserved to be noticed.

Delighted to be the 1st to comment. Owen, this is really very good. It’s obvious you have put a lot of work into this and it is very well edited. A fine polished read. Fantasy is not a genre I venture into often, but you have a healthy mix of cross over genres going on here, so the story should easily appeal to the masses. You should get out there and make sure this gets the attention it deserves on this site.

Well done, my friend.

Janny :)

Thank you Janny I'm glad you have enjoyed it so far. Your comments were lovely to read and has cheered me up. The book was 15 years in the making (in other words the story idea was rattling around in my mind that long) and eighteen months in the writing.
If I'm to make it appeal to the masses I might have to tone down the Bards own tale which is very strong to shock people and make them uncomfortable. and also explains Owens attitude.
Thanks again Janny
Please keep in contact as I would love to hear how your getting on.
Silverback

Oh and just to add - I love the cover. It reminds me of Pirates of the Caribbean. Perfect for your story.

Delighted to be the 1st to comment. Owen, this is really very good. It’s obvious you have put a lot of work into this and it is very well edited. A fine polished read. Fantasy is not a genre I venture into often, but you have a healthy mix of cross over genres going on here, so the story should easily appeal to the masses. You should get out there and make sure this gets the attention it deserves on this site.

Well done, my friend.

Janny :)