The Stream and The Torrent: The Curious Case of Jan Torrentius and the Followers of the Rosy Cross

I am backing just a few books and keeping them on a while. This is one.
I could criticise the work you put the reader to, but I admire the historical work you have put in.
Lara
A RELATIVE LOSS

Hello Brian , well I do admire your ambition and your vision - to illuminate a very obscure part of history and you have done this with great skill (I love sentences which contain phrases like 'And God bless the United Provinces'.), though I think from the reader's point of view they would benefit from some generel Historical secene setting , though of course you do that in your pitch.You don't have to worry about me I'm a history teacher , who has also written about the 17th century!I wonder if you could take a look , its called 'A Buccaneer' and is couched in similar language. Best of luck , watchlisted and starred.

Hi, Maeve. Thanks so much for the invaluable comments. I just hope that you can keep on reading. I do see the point about the slow beginning. And it's true that the distance that T is held at is part of the mystery. Brian.

The Stream and The Torrent: 
PLC review 
Brian,
I have read through chapter 8. 

I have to say that this is a very unusual book. I found the beginning so self-involved that I almost gave up, but, as I kept reading, I found myself intrigued by this fictional narrative of the invention of photography, by its appealing, though quaint, characters, and by its nuanced attempt to read like a period piece, while being fundamentally modern in style.

I almost dropped out at chapter 5. You introduce and set the ambiance. And then set the ambiance some more, and then set the ambiance some more. After a while it gets to be a little much. This, as I said, almost made me drop the book, and I only read on because I wanted to get a review in before the end of the period on the PLC time (which I missed anyway, but there it is). But as I kept reading, I became more and more engaged. 
This having been said, you take a lot of asides, and digressions. Many of them are interesting, but it hardly calls for a strong plot line.
And in spite of all this, but the time I got to Authonomy 8  I was pretty ell engaged.
So, I suppose that my first comment to put out to you is that you should consider starting  out a bit more aggressively, perhaps saving some of the introductions until later.
Hook and plot- As I was reading the first chapters, I thought that you were trying to use the archaic writing style as a hook. This is troublesome, because  the style sometimes reveals itself as being too modern for the style that it is imitating, for instance, when Constanter (c) describes his feeling and thoughts in chapter 5. It is just a bit contemporary sounding. The painting competition is the next possible hook, but not exactly an enthralling one. Then, as C and Torrentius (T) were walking down the street and he got strange reactions I thought perhaps there would be something diabolical... but none of these panned out as  a hook. It was not until you had the photograph fade that I realized what the hook was, and this was the end of a chapter and the beginning of another perspective
This is all to say that the hook really takes a very long time to come in, and this assumes a degree of patience on behalf of your reader which is a bit long. 
Once you start on the second narrative, with T and B developing the photographic art, it becomes very interesting and intriguing, in a science detective story kind of way. I love the description of the nasty fumes, and the awkward arrangement of the camara obscura. I think these descriptions are precious, and I would want to suggest that you bring them out sooner.
Again, part of the problem that I see is that, from the point of view of plot, even when I get to these, more intriguing moments, there is not a strong plot line.
Character development- C is a bit of a lofty character, in the sense that even though he is introduced in the first person we read about him under different circumstances, I don't feel we are meant to know him very intimately. So too is the case for T. The mystery that surrounds him is part of the point, so thse characters are given to us a bit at arm's length. I feel that this is appropriate for the period you are trying to emulate, here character development was a book-long process, and even so, veiled.  This is to say that it is characteristic, but perhaps odd.
Ambiance- I found the ambiance of what I read one of its strongest points. Rich nuanced, full of the historical background that makes this a successful work of historical fiction. I think that this is one of the things that really made me read on, and which is calling me to read further still.

As concerns mechanics, I did not take any notes on that subject, I am afraid. But the writing is very good and careful.

So, in general, this is a very successful piece of historical fiction. I would recommend shortening the place-setting introduction a wee bit and delving into the story earlier. I would recommend it to anyone interested not only in the period, but more especially, photography.
Best of luck with it,
Maeve 

Hi Harriet

Thanks so much for giving this your time. I think all your points are perceptive and relevant. I don't really know how to reply to the basic problem a lot of readers have with not being able to engage with it. I am not attracted at all to page-turners as such and I am pretty useless at getting things to appeal to the heart. I think that's possibly my failing as a writer, but on the other hand it's not what I am after. It could be that I'll never get readers to engage at the level most people expect to be when they pick up a novel, but you have left the door open a little in saying that you might be tempted to come back to it at some stage. Having said that, I have started a new beginning by Torrentius to try and get the reader more interested in his story, which I may or may not substitute for the son's preface. But again, I somehow doubt that I will be able to do any major restructuring to make it hang together better.

Good points about Donne's sermon, too.

Hope you stay in touch.

Brian

Stream & Torrent, for PLC

Brian, I find myself unable to say much about your book. Instead of a proper critique discussing whether you should retain the epigrams or alter your framing motif, therefore I'll discuss my reactions as a reader to the meat of the book. I've not read the 'da Vinci Code' so have no idea if this is indeed the intellectual side of it, as some reviewers claim. I've some French and some Latin tho' no Dutch and the quotations and tags in these languages didn't concern me at all - they seemed all of a flavour with the piece. I think presentation of the piece upon Authonomy may cause frustration in your readers - I loathe waiting for a 'chapter' and getting only a paragraph - so it may be worth running the front matters together with the first chapter. But that's style not substance.

As to the substance, the writing is highly professional, the research painstaking, the language playful and punning, the connections between the parts spread out as a spider's web (itself a masterpiece of artifice), the descriptions conjure up bright images as I read, and yet I cannot quite engage with it. The whole seems much like one of those puzzleboxes - baffling until you know how to open it. As I read, it makes me think of many things (we've discussed briefly Hockney's thesis about the uses of camerae lucida obscuraque), alchemy, art and landscapes, novels I've read by Thomas Mann and Lyndsay Clarke, but all the times I'm thinking about these other things I think I should be thinking about your book: instead I kept putting it down and wandering off to check a reference or pausing to translate a Latin tag or track a quotation to its source. All in all, it was a fascinating intellectual exercise (I've ended up knowing more than I did at the beginning and wandered off at some interesting tangents) but perhaps as a novel - a thing complete in and of itself, a simulcrum of reality - dissatisfying. There's no accounting for the chemistry between a reader and a text: call me narrow-minded, should you wish, when I say that, in addition to being intellectually challenged by a piece, I want to find a story gripping to the point of being unputdownable. There's too much symbology weighing down the forward movement of the plot to suit my taste and I felt no real sense of character, of people being people. That said, I would like to read this again in paper form, despite my finding this a book that engages only head and not at all my heart, so I can flip more easily to and fro between the parts, and suspect its cleverness would grow on me at rereading.

Best wishes, Harriet

Nitpicks: Would Charles I be so-numbered before Charles II came along?
You've left Donne's sermon in the original 17C language - fair enough, save that it's integrated into your own text which uses 21C spelling conventions for the same words. I'd argue consistency is a virtue. And Donne's own statement is not much like his sermon.

Hi Andy

Thanks very much. I'll try to look at yours but there's a backlogue.

Best


Brian

Hi Brian, after reading on, i see no picky micro edits. sorry ;)
the prose is clean yet emotive and, to me, enticing. as a macro note, some may find that the storyline develops too slowly. not i!
very best wishes.
cheers, a

I liked the conceit of this novel's beginning. It promised to be a clever pseudo historical novel and reading well into the chapters, so it proved to be. The narrative voice does not falter and we get a very convincing picture of your MC. I loved the descriptions, eg Jan's appearance, Drebble's whizzing down the street.
Your problem is in enticing readers into the seventeenth century via a narrator whose typically long winded style of relating events ensures a certain slow pace with regard to plot. So it is a case of whether the potential reader is willing to make that commitment to enter your very well written history, in the same way as if he decided it was time read Gulliver/s Travels, say. I enjoyed it in it's own right and for it's cleverness. I admired the work and care clearly put into it. At the same time it's very evident that it's not everyone's cuppa.
Lara
A RELATIVE LOSS

Brian -

I don't know what I can add that hasn't already been said - much more eloquently than I could ever hope to say it. Our little group is blessed with some reviewers who not only have the background necessary to appreciate your novel, but also, it seems, the skill to write something similar themselves - which I find completely humbling. I am an avid reader of historical fiction with a Masters degree in History and I love books by authors such as Iain Pears and other books that deal with art and historical mysteries etc. but I enjoy them as a layperson - usually learning much about a time period and about an artist via reading the novel and not because I know much about the time period, artist or topic. I have studied Irish, German and American history and have never taken an art history course (though I have spent many hours in art museums and have learned a lot from my mother who knew a tremendous amount about art and various artists, movements and time periods.) Having said that, I still feel completely out of my depth in commenting on your novel. It comes across as so professional - so very like something that I would see on a shelf in a bookstore, pick up and buy, and take home and enjoy. I've read through chapter 6 and so far my only comment is that I would cut the first preface. The "voice" in your second preface is much more engaging and interesting. I also would attach the quote (which is the third chapter here on Authonomy) onto the start of the next chapter - there is no need for it to be on its own on this site - even thought it might appear that way on a book's actual pages. Otherwise, so far, not much to say other than the fact that I am enjoying the journey. It is very well written. The "voice" comes across and accurate and confident throughout. The characters have engaged my interest, though I do think that more dialogue could serve to flesh out their characters a bit more and make the text a bit more engaging. Your visual images are stunning - not just when you are describing art. I could picture most everything very clearly. I'll read on, but like I said, I'm not sure how much more I'll be able to contribute other than to say that I'm enjoying the read.

All the best,

Bunderful

PLC review chapters 5 through 8

Brian,

By chapter eight your story seems to push forward into a deeper plot. The first photograph is produced and for whatever reason, it seems the inventors are wanted men. Fragmented as it was, I did enjoy the story that lead to the success of permanently capturing light. Whether the inventors recognized it or not, it seems as if God Himself perpetrated the “coincidental” circumstances that led to “discovery.” And I suppose that was the way of the entire enlightened period - scales were providentially removed from man’s eyes - for good and bad. You have portrayed those first discoveries with such realistic wonder and joy. These men really had fun with their experiementing.

I especially liked the scene of the final judgment between Torrentius and De Gheyns artwork. I couldn’t help wonder if there is some significance that people appear at doorways without being detected for quite some time.

I have finally become well-acquainted with your characters and found I do like them and care about them. And after reading this far, I’m getting used to the formal language. It’s not the barrier it once was and I find it quite fitting for the time in history.

I’m looking forward to see what Elisabeth has up her royal sleeve. Until next time…

Dianna Lanser

PLC Continued Read

Chapter 4 - Another beginning, of sorts. Except, this time I think we are into the story. Very historical. The writing is very of its time, which earns a high score for authenticity, but rather a low score for reader friendliness or page-turning qualities. My comments are similar for the historical detail: historically accurate, but the storyline doesn’t flow as well as it might because of the quantity of detail. When the narrator said “It is at this point that I might digress again” I admit to groaning inwardly.

Noticed nits:
Punctuation;

Chapter 5 – Finally the story starts to flow as I have been hoping it would, but it is a long way into the book before this happens. You may want to consider how to hold the average reader’s attention up until this point. However, it is not long before we are back into the ways of “circuitous channels”. Personally I’d favour a little less authenticity and learned historical detail and a little more story development. Fortunately, the section ends on a positive narrative note.

Chapter 6 – At last, good narrative progression

This is a polished read and very precisely crafted, but I must admit this is not a book I am being sucked into: heart and mind.

PLC Review

This is one strange tale in that it does it's damndest to keep itself from starting. Each sentence seems to be an opener only for the next one and that is for me a tad disappointing. Now I know that what I describe here is not a mistake, this is no catalogue of errors but this is the way it is written Now logophilic perambulation may well have been the pracitise of many a scribe in 17th Century Europe but it hasn't really a place in the 21st century or has it?

If this is the intellectual side of The Da Vinci Code then it looks like I was right in thinking it had no intellectual side. What this is is a puzzle, nothing more nor less, the trouble is that although I can see that the nature of this puzzle requires masses of this turgid writing to make it work the very writing makes me lose interest in working this puzzle out. Indeed you could say that for me it's more a puddle than a puzzle.

So being unable through will or want to unlock this puzzle I cannot really comment much more on it and although I do see it as very clever, and technically the writing is faultless, but I have this feeling that maybe the writing loves itself too much.

I do wish you well but the only suggestion I can think of its that this could work if it was intertwined with a modern parallel story to help cut through the logophilic perambulation, but as it is I feel it is a curio.

Of course that is only my shitty little opinion on the matter and that's partially my fault through not putting the effort in to the reading but for my excuses see above.


Good luck

Jim Barrass

Thanks, J.S. I'd only say to a couple of your points, I sort of agree about the clichéd aspect of found documents and in fact the son finding them was a bit of an afterthought which I am seriously thinking of jettisoning, but whether I can do that given the final chapter and voice, I'm not so sure Let me know. Anyway, I might well end up with just one preface by Huygens Snr in the end.

The quote as a single chapter is just my attempt to give the idea of it standing on a single page, as in a book, and in fact was a response to someone on Authonomy suggesting to try to replicate it that way, rather than have it at the beginning of each part, because it is meant to be separate. I thought this was a good idea. I can't see if it matters that on A it says it's a chapter, because it obviously isn't ... [The idea was that the son had placed a contemporary quote in front of each of the six sections, but if I let go of the son idea, this could just as easily be provided by the overall author, i.e. me.]

Cheers, Brian.

The Stream.... Phoenix LC final review.

Ch.15. At first, I am still mystified. Then your style changes for the play. It is a relief - and I am totally drawn into the scenes, with the clever asides from the audience.
Who is Lucy? I dont think she's been mentioned before? And there must be some significance in the numbers.

A nit - Dont think you need 'almost impossible' when choosing the right path. Your previous sentence tells it well enough.
- You have 'only' twice at the end of the paragraph where he takes the stormy path.

I laughed at the dream of the poor suspended fellows ... I am enjoying this allegorical play, although my versing in letters/art is wanting, so I dont understand all of which you write.

There are rather a lot of 'our hero's.
Your narration is so meticulous I feel one must study it carefully, taking notes, if one wants to half-understand what's going on.' Like the Bible.
I believe this would make a fascinating film - or, better, a slide show which one can pause at will - with your words (in more precise form) as explanation. That is indeed, how you are describing it. Clever.

Ch.16. Interesting that he was allowed to go 'free' during the night. I am learning a great deal from your story.

It is distracting to wonder when that dream of the picture ends, and reality begins. Perhaps a double space would be a good idea - or a word of explanation?

Your writing is brilliantly colourful, and I do believe you have achieved your aim, if it is to unfold for your readers the (rather obscure) plot, building on it, layer after layer, like an artist, and at the same time chronicling a period of history which you have made interesting.

It is not often that I get to the end of a book, and immediately feel the urge to go back to the beginning again. I do with yours. Except that for me, you would have to address the tedium of especially the opening sections. They are enough to deter many would-be admirers.

Thankyou for the read. It was certainly widened my literary mind!
Jane (Breath of Africa).

PLC Review (initial) – The Stream and The Torrent

Chapter 1 (prologue) - This worked well as a prologue: scene and tone setting and brief.

My only nit:
Finding papers and publishing them has been done so many times, has it become something of a cliché?

Chapter 2 (original preface) – Not sure about this. One preface/ prologue is enough for me. I wanted to feel that I was getting directly into the story, but didn’t. There is nothing wrong with the preface itself, nicely short like the first one, but it felt like the book had two beginnings and despite the brevity, I felt like I was becoming bogged down already.

Chapter 3 (Part One – front quote) – I’ve not much to say on this, other than in Authonomy terms I’m already at chapter four without a real sniff of a story. I shall however, read on tomorrow.

Hi, Victoria. Thanks for the good, practical suggestions. I really hope you can stick with it for the week, but I understand about being busy. The long sentences is a very vexed question, but I am obviously at some stage going to have to simplify some of them without losing the style and ambience. Tricky.

About that tense in this sentence: 'I began my chronicle in 1629 in an attempt to counter what I believed to be scurrilous accusations and prevent the imposition of a death sentence – if he did not leave this world sooner as a result of the tortures already meted out to him by the authorities.'

That's really tricky. I wanted to have the idea of Huygens thinking from the perspective of 1629 that Torrentius might be sentenced to death before anything could be done to save him, although Huygens has had time to look back at his work in the 1660s and change it.

I understand some readers referring to these statements as diaries and letters but they aren't, although they contain elements of the former two.

One last thing, about the chapters in Authonomy, they are NOT chapters! The only chapters are the six different PARTS. The 'chapters' here are a bit arbitrary. I couldn't upload them in another way. The different parts do have paragraph breaks, to give the eye a rest, and I have placed these Authonomy chapters after such breaks. If you or anyone wants me to send the whole novel in Word, please let me have your email. Would make it much easier.

Good point about the use of the word 'write'.

Cheers!

Hi Jane

Thanks for persevering with it. It was a very pedantic world in those times, absolutely, especially in this period, though I have to say that the modern world of instant communication and phone calls is nowhere near as interesting. It has its own context, I guess, and you just can't think of the 'What if?' aspects of those times, for me, anyway, in a novel like this. But that is the challenge, too. Sometimes, I can't tell if the criticisms are of this world or my writing, though I guess it could be both. Mine is not a conventional narrative, that's for sure. I hope it pulls together at the end. You may have a good point about the camera obscura, especially about the characters' reactions. But as it is has to be dealt with from different points of view, that's a bit unavoidable. Something to be improved on, certainly.

Interesting about 'span'. Seems it can be 'span' or 'spun', though I thought in modern day English it's usually 'span'. (For some reason, a lot of people think span sounds odd nowadays or they are lazy but it's the same as run/ran) I found this in the OED:

1560 Bp. J. Pilkington Aggeus the Prophete (1562) 217 When Adam dalve, and Eve span, Who was than a gentle~man?
1673 Milton Sonnet xvii, in Poems (ed. 2) 60 The Lillie and Rose, that neither sow'd nor spun.

About long sentences, I really don't think there is anything wrong with long sentences per se, if the grammar is correct. They just require more concentration. With modern readers, it does seem like a bit of a losing battle, but if you look at the writing of the time you'll see it's much more convoluted than anything I have imagined (though I love it, for the most part). Still, I do have to find a medium way between the two.

As for the meaning of certain scenes, I think I have to wait till you get to the end to see if it comes together. It might come down to what readers feel like reading or expect to read.

What I've read so far:

The character’s voice is very convincing and the description of them looking at the “camera obscura” quite comical and dramatic. It is very visual writing. Throughout this whole section (I’m calling it chapter 4) the writing is extremely well managed, imo. The character’s voice and perspective are so distinctive and clear – this just bubbles with intelligence and wit. It’s very hard to find fault with this chapter.

I think overall in the editing, it would be good to refine the sentence length – there are some sentences that just don’t need to be so long – and paragraph length.


Best wishes and six stars
Victoria

The Stream... A phoenix LC review.

Ch.13. What a pedantic world it was then! Struggling through Donne's Prologue, my mind suddenly skipped to the present day, when he would have picked up the 'phone, or sent Constanter a text to get his answer.

'I could see a kindliness struggling to the surface of this outer show.'
So they did realise they were all living pompous lies.

You have two 'suddenly's in the same sentence in the paragraph where Torrentious looked into Donne 'as if he knew my soul.'
And isnt it 'my mind spun'? It still sounds odd. Perhaps you could devise a different way of saying what you mean.
That description of the view over the Neckar is lost in one very long sentence.

Then we have yet another scene with the camera obscura. Might the repetitions be less tedius for your readers, if you were to brush over the details after the first time - and concentrate on the reactions and emotions of your narrators. (It's only a suggestion - but it's your book!)

And so we're coming full circle, back to the Rosicurians.
Perhaps it would be wise to give the translations of the German and Latin pieces.
You are teaching me more about these strange Rosicurians, but the book does not seem to have gone anywhere.
I cannot fathom the significance of Donne's apparent hallucinations.

And there follows a detailed description of another part of the gardens, and the goings-on there - no doubt meticulously and accurately told, but my eyes are drooping somewhat. If you'd broken it into paragraphs, I might have been able to continue!

I will come back for the final two chapters later, as I see your time has been put forward another week.

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Hi Alison

Thanks so much for sticking with this. These comments are invaluable. I realise it maybe hasn't been totally satisfying for you, and that may well have something to do with the number of first-person narrators, though I am glad you like the last one. That last one was always in the back of my mind but was the most difficult and yet enjoyable one to write, in some ways. It's also a bit frustrating for me because you genuinely get and appreciate so much of what I am trying to do, but if it doesn't hang together, that is definitely my failing.

A couple of things. About Chapter 12, it's not a change of POV. It's still from from Elizabeth's POV. Maybe the fact that it's a sermon by someone else as seen by her and that on Authonomy I divided it into these arbitrary chapters (I had to) jolted you out of her POV?

Also, I know that it is hard to get around this, but there are only really six chapters (forgetting the initial prefaces, the soon-to-be-excised prologues, and the epilogue), which I am calling parts. Each major character has a part. As discussed earlier, I am going to do away with the other characters' prologues as people just find them too distracting. They are really just the introduction to the main body and can easily be assimilated, as I I have done with Huygens's.

I am not quite sure what you mean by referencing the gallery in the image, but though I have tried to get help I've been unable to do a decent cover for Authonomy. I can't even find a way to write the title and my name on it!

I really appreciate what you have brought to this, especially as you are obviously seeing it partly as a fan or art historian, but I hope that readers don't think they have to know about art history. I hope it just adds to their enjoyment of they already know this world. We'll see. Thanks also for the Leonardo spot.

Brian

Brian, I have read everything you’ve posted here. I still don’t know what to make of it as a whole. I stayed with it because of my interest in the Northern Renaissance period of art history particularly in Jan van Eyck’s portraiture and Patinir’s landscapes.

I still have a problem with the structure and the number of different points of view. I wished there was more of Torrentius and less of Donne and Drebbel. I still find there are too many statements and letters and reported first hand accounts from characters who all seem to have perfect recall of all the little details. This sometimes makes it difficult for me to suspend my disbelief. Not one stumbles or gets it wrong….

The amount of exposition is at times overwhelming, for this reader at least. But then I’m captivated by the detailed readings of the paintings and their iconography. I thought that Chapter 6 was so beautifully balanced – it had human interest – the little detail of the sore foot. I could just see picture Huygens limping down the hill at Greenwich. I liked too that here, at last we are introduced to the cover image of your book (incidentally, should the image and the gallery not be referenced after the long pitch?)

Chapter 7
I skipped over part of Drebbel’s prologue and statement.
The irony of the theme of the painting – temperance was not lost on me – I bet none of the aristocracy actually practised it….. least of all painters…

Where Drebbel reels off the list of artists by their surnames he refers to Leonardo as da Vinci, when Vinci is merely the town he was from and was not his surname.

I was fascinated by the detail of the use of mirrors and reflections and reminded me of the imagery in the Arnolfini Double Portrait.

Ch 8
This chapter comes to life when the characters interact – when Carleton recalls his visit to Torrentius in the cell. I like too that he expresses his empathy for him – here is a character reflecting on what it was like to be incarcerated in prison. I am impressed at how well you write dialogue.
I liked the line about Rubens…
Ch 9
The strongest part of these chapters are for me the detailed reading of the painting and the suggestion as to why Torrentius must have used a camera obscura and why he might have denied it. I was just getting used to Carleton’s POV when suddenly we switch to Chapter 10 and are introduced to a new character.

Chapter 10
Because I have no emotional investment in Elizabeth I skimmed the preamble and went for the story….and am immediately engaged as she walks incognito through Amsterdam and engages all of her senses to do so….

I like the way that she frets whether or not she’ll be recognised – that surely these common people will know she’s a noblewoman by her clothes…then frets at how many of the portraits of her will have filtered down to the masses…….reminds the reader that portraits functioned as the Hello magazine of their day…….

Chapter 11 I liked the vivid description as Elizabeth walks through the gardens at Heidelberg at night. I like her recollection of the flying castle on wheels she saw in Amsterdam that night…..Elizabeth’s meeting with Torrentius in the castle gardens adds some urgency to the narrative but I am again deflated as just as I was getting to know her we switch to yet another POV in Chapter 12 and what’s more, it starts with a sermon….

Chapter 13 Again this chapter came to life when the characters interact – as Torrentius demonstrates the camera obscura to Donne and Donne describes what he saw and when Torrentius tells Donne, about trying ‘to fix an image as it were on the canvas so that oil paint would be necessary merely for embellishment and for colour. ’

Chapter 14 I admired the description of the masque as reported by Donne told to him by Lucy as clever but didn’t find it engaging in the way that it was told.

Chapter 15
At last the point of view I had been waiting for that of Torrentius himself.
A brilliantly written chapter but I wish we could have had more of Torrentius earlier on.

Epilogue – by the time I got to this point I had forgotten who Christiaan was.
Alison (Lambert Nagle)
REvolution Earth

Thanks, Ann. The beginning does seem to come across as a bit slow, so thanks for your comments. I hope you can stick with it a bit. Best, Brian

Hi, this is extremely well-written with authentic period flavor, but I think hard for a modern reader. I love historical novels (the serious kind, like this) but had a hard time with the very long expository paragraphs in Chaps 1, 2, and 4. They need, at least, to be broken up with white space, for readability. Ideally, the balance of exposition to dialogue and/or activity could be changed. There is none of either until Chapter 4, and you may risk losing the reader before that. I'm watch-listing it to read more--the topic is very interesting. Anne, ("Polly" and "Feast of Heretics" which I'm revising.)

PLC Review

You are a fine writer and I do admire the scale and ambition of the work but I must admit that it both captivates and confuses me in equal measure.

I’m enticed by the long pitch – I want to know more about this new movement in the 17th century that had the potential to replace established religion. I’m intrigued by the mysterious invention and the promise of clues in a painting. It all sounds very exciting but how will it work, I wonder, when the tale is to be told from five or six different voices….

Chapter 1
Your pitch immerses the reader in the 17th century so it seems odd to be brought back into the modern day with this not very inspiring and rather awkwardly phrased quote from an obscure historian. I’d rather read one from a famous philosopher of the period.

Chapter 2 Christian Huygen’s preface to the book
I am puzzled by this character and I want to know his connection to this story and why he is compelled to edit his father’s manuscripts.

Chapter 3
When Constantijn tells us – ‘I begin my chronicle in 1629 is the point at which I engage with the story. While I admire your skill as a writer at your ability to imitate the writing style of the 17th century, I begin to disconnect. What I really want is more of an insight and emotional connection with the characters…

Chapter 4
Am not sure why this needs to be in both French as well as English.

Chapter 5
I’m riveted by the way you describe in the detail how the camera obscura works and of the description of Torrentius himself…and I really like the challenge set for the artists but am deflated by Constantijn’s tendency to name-drop when he goes into the library. Rather than including that large chunk of Donne’s poem, I’d much rather know which particular lines press Constantijn’s buttons….and why…..

I am intrigued by the tale and am completely convinced by the world that you’ve created. But I find the telling of it, I suppose the structure, rather difficult to fathom. I would also like to be able to engage with the characters a little more than I do now and in particular I’d like to know more about the son's emotional connection to his father's story.

Alison (Lambert Nagle)
Revolution Earth

The Stream... PLC review Ctd.
Ch.10. You have two unusuals in that first paragraph. In fact, the adverb, and the suddenly' before it, might well be deleted, thereby refining the flow of your words.
I am totally absorbed in the narrator's experience in Massa's house. You tell it with such intensity. But I did notice that you must mean '... which I shall here call a heating vessel or still.'
I have no idea what is happening - and the significance of these apparitions is quite beyond me. But your descriptions are hypnotically vivid. Were they the result of the narrator's drink being spiked, I wonder?

The narrator is a very self-contained, pomous person, who is constantly concerned with the effect he is having on other people. That much I have deduced. But I do think this chapter would be a perfect opportunity to delve further into his character, by showing more of his emotions, and instinctive reactions to what has happened.
Things happen to your characters, in a detached sort of way. Probably, that was the way it was in those days. But what of the true, warm, vulnerable persons underneath the facade?

Ch.11. I'm afraid I'm inclined to agree with Elizabeth about Prologues. I wonder at their value, especially in the opening chapters of your book, which do come across as somewhat cumbersome.

That's a fine description of Amsterdam, bombarding all Elizabeth's senses.
And again - that mysterious, unreal photographic image.... but it has lost some of its splendid impact in the repetition.

Ch.12. I am rather overwhelmed by this slow-moving wealth of description of the gardens, and I must confess, my eyelids are drooping.
I presume the Rosicurian plot is being formed, and Elizabeth is allowing herself to be drawn into it.

Will return later in the week of the final chapters!
Jane (Breath of Africa).

The Stream.... PLC ctd.
Ch.7. I have on re-reading the previous chapter, only now appreciated the significance of Torrentious's boast, 'I could do ten of those by the time De Gheyn has finished one.'
I now think I understand why the narrator wants to dissuade Jacques from continuing the competition, and I am beginning to appreciate the significance of introducing Drebbel at this stage.
Your story is deeply woven, and full of under-currents.
I must pay more attention in future.
The more I read about the interpretation of art, the more I realise I dont know. And yet I love the beauty protrayed by the Great Masters.
That's a dramatic ending to a carefully contrived chapter. With the benefits of hindsight the modern reader may begin to understand where this is going; even a reader with no scientific knowledge.

Ch.8. And so the wonders of alchemy, specifically the initial discovery of how photography works, is unfolded. A fascinating revelation, appropriately described in the language of the 17th century.
I am no physicist or chemist, as you will have gathered by now, but I can appreciate how wonderingly such 'magic' was regarded in those days.
Drebbel's references to eipsodes and people in his life are frustrating, and you dont enlighten me. Are they entirely necessary to the stor which, as he says, does not want to lose the Torrentius thread.
You write for a specific audience, and I appreciate that I am not a part of that audience. Nevertheless, I am always willing to learn.
All these inventions, which we take so much for granted nowadays. You describe the discoveries in sudden bursts of enlightenment, as they must have been experienced.
You have two 'myself's very close together in the second sentence of that paragraph where Jon took the story back to 1619.
What a marvellous hook you have at the end of this chapter.

Ch.9. You approach your story from the mind of a historian, digging out the ancient facts, and yet you are framing it within the concepts of a novel. It is not so much of a story, that I would label it a historical novel, and yet there are episodes which the pure historian might not like. I admire your courage.
That picture again, and the inscription in it, described in vivid minutae. Intriguing.
And, so late in the day, religion rears its head.
I wonder at the significance of Torrentious's hand...

The plot is thickening, now, and taking more of the aspect of a novel. I look forward to reading on.
I trust this review is of some help. As you can see, I am struggling a bit. Perhaps partly because the development of the characters is not so obvious. But I've always loved a challenge.

Jane. (Breath of Africa).

Brian - PLC review.
I’m not used to reading this kind of literature and it took me a while to get accustomed to the voice and the words. After reading through chapters 1 through 5 twice, I think I have a grasp of what is going on and now feel more at ease to read further. But still I can’t help wonder, who your intended audience is. I’m afraid the formal language may limit your influence.

Your knowledge of the 17th century, the history, as well as the social, religious, and artistic atmosphere is commendable and impressive. Your writing has me convinced that you are an expert.

My interest in your story perked up as I read about the Dutch characters and their contributions to science and the arts. I married a Dutchman and his whole family (8 kids) are all of Calvinist heritage and either engineers, scientists, or artists - must be in the blood…

I was also intrigued by the camera obscura as I had read an excellent article in the National Geographic (May 2011 issue) about this almost magical phenomenon, a predecessor to modern photography. Obviously, you have known about this, but it was all brand-new to me and I was mesmerized by the vivid images in the magazine. Because of that article, I have an appreciation for what is going on in your story and why the contest came to be. The mystery of the outcome of the contest is what will keep me reading ahead…

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Brian -

For my money, I don't think you need to say that Huygens Senior's papers were translated at all. Most readers, I'm sure, will just accept that the original text was written in a foreign language (French, Dutch, Latin, I don't think it matters) and that what they're reading is simply an English translation. I don't think this undermines the idea of the text being an actual manifestation of something compiled by Huygens Junior in the C17th. Mein Kampf (bad example, I know!!) isn't any less credible as a historical document just because it's been translated from German into English.

Similarly, why not simply translate the French quotation into English? Isn't it the substance of the quotation itself rather than whether it was written in French, Dutch, Latin etc that's important??

I think you're right to avoid introducing footnotes or other explanatory inserts (unless it's clear they've been introduced by Hygens Junior and their purpose is simply to explain away something which may otherwise have confused a C17th reader) as it would ruin the subtle artifice that the book was produced by Huygens 350-odd years ago. (Another good reason, surely, to lose the opening modern quotation?)

Food for thought!!

The Stream and the Torrent. A Phoenix LC Review.

You are telling of a time I have no knowledge of - other than the distant history lessons of my youth. The pitches prepare me, although I fear all those names at the end of the long one will be a muddle in my mind. Your cover comes as a dark splodge on my screen.

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Not sure that I understand that quote: surely mechanism cannot be a philosophy of nature - or even a philosophy? But then, I'm no philosopher!

Ch.2-3. I must do a search on the Rosicrucians ... I'm not really much the wiser, other than to learn of its connections with the Freemasons, another secret society. Perhaps your story will enlighten me.
Would it not be eaqsier on the eye if you were to break these pages into paragraphs?

Chs. 4-5. This is indeed a pompous, learned discourse in the custom of the times, and I have to refer backwards frequently.
But that is a detailed and most vivid description of the man, Jan Torrentius.
I havent read anything in this style for many years, but am being compelled to doff the impatient trappings of modernity, to wallow in the measured tread of olden times.

Ch.6. 'His face was blank to my question.' Very well put.
I must admit, my eyes have skimmed lightly over some of those paragraphs pertaining to Drebbel, and I no longer wonder why you didnt introduce him before the camera scene. But I might question the advisability of inserting this chapter, if it is done to keep the reader in suspense over the revelations of the painting competition.

Despite its slow plodding, I am becoming accustomed to your prose, and absorbed in your story. But peering at it on a computer screen is not easy in long stretches. You have an impeccable style, and I will carry on tomorow.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

HI Carolyn

Thanks very much for your support. It's an interesting angle to want to see it in print as opposed to digital at this stage. I of course hope that's what'll happen eventually. I don't know much about Create Space but maybe somewhere down the line. Hope you come back and read a bit more at some stage, anyway. Best, Brian

HI Carolyn

Thanks very much for your support. It's an interesting angle to want to see it in print as opposed to digital at this stage. I of course hope that's what'll happen eventually. I don't know much about Create Space but maybe somewhere down the line. Hope you come back and read a bit more at some stage, anyway. Best, Brian

HI Carolyn

Thanks very much for your support. It's an interesting angle to want to see it in print as opposed to digital at this stage. I of course hope that's what'll happen eventually. I don't know much about Create Space but maybe somewhere down the line. Hope you come back and read a bit more at some stage, anyway. Best, Brian

PLC Review

I really enjoyed this, Brian. On my shelf when I get a chance to shift things around. The prose is terrifically polished and, for the most part, very evocative of the C17th setting. The sheer quality of the writing makes for an extremely reassuring, persuasive read. This clearly isn’t an early draft. This is the finished article and, unlike many books on the site, would not look out of place sitting on a shelf in Waterstones. This really is impressive, ambitious, fully realised writing. Fantastic stuff.

The sense of time and place is subtly but convincingly evoked. It’s obvious you know your stuff but you don’t feel the need to ram your research down the reader’s throat. It’s just there, in the background, adding colour and depth. Nicely done.

The dialogue, such as it is, is clear and purposeful and helps add good energy to the scenes. (I would have liked a little more conversation to break up the rather dense, involved prose, but I wasn’t overly put off by the comparative lack of dialogue)

The plot feels well thought out and complex (I have no idea how much of this is fact or fiction or something in between, which is to your credit) and, with its blend of intrigue, drama and historical realism, should appeal to a broad cross-section of readers.

I did find the overall structure of the novel (eg Constantijn’s narrative being delivered as an after-the-fact statement) slightly distancing in places and I wasn’t all that keen on some of the quotations/extracts used in the body of the text or as chapter prefaces. Minor niggles, though.

In short, a stylishly written, engagingly original, thought-provoking piece of work. Thanks and best of luck. A


I made some notes as I went along. Feel free to ignore!!

Ch1

I’m not that keen on the opening quotation. As a quotation it’s fine (a bit dull and oddly phrased, for my taste) but, given that it’s a quotation from a modern historian, it serves to immediately remove the reader from the C17th setting of the novel. Why remind the reader it’s not 1619 just before trying to immerse them in this world?

Also, I’m afraid I’ve never heard of Frances Yates (I had to Google her) and I’m pretty sure most readers won’t have either. For me, her comparative anonymity serves to render the quotation irrelevant. If I don’t know who this person is, why should I care what she has to say? This is someone I’ve never heard of making a rather bland point about a subject I don’t, as yet, understand or care about. The quotation, to my mind, serves no purpose.

Lastly, as a general point, whenever I see a literary/philosophical quotation at the beginning of a novel I always feel as if the author is trying to imbue his/her work with someone else’s literary beauty or philosophical profundity. It feels like a gimmick, a rather cheap literary shortcut. I want the author to move/intrigue me with his/her own words rather than ride on the literary coat tails of someone else.


Ch2

‘might even have to hand’ – made me stumble on first read.

I would imagine it’s a delicate balancing act (making the prose redolent of the C17th but still agreeable to the modern ear) but the tone of the writing does feel a little too ‘modern’ for my taste. I’m not sure I can put my finger on why. It’s just an impression?? [Incidentally, the later chapters feel much more ‘of the period’. There’s just something about this chapter which feels a bit too modern??]


Ch3

I’m assuming the location is The Netherlands?? Maybe include something early on to root the reader in the moment??

Also, as with the previous ‘chapter’, maybe split up the rather long paragraphs into smaller, more manageable mini paragraphs for an easier read??


Ch4

Why would you include a quotation in French?? Feels like an author showing off slightly??


Ch5

‘confounded his audiences’ – I don’t think painters have ‘audiences’?? Maybe ‘admirers’?? ‘devotees’??

Maybe just italicise camera obscura once?? (and maybe also think about using another word/phrase in the sentence that follows ie ‘show my new [contraption/latest fancy, for example] to friends’??)

Ah-hah!! We’ve now lost the italics!!

forty-five (not 45??) degrees

I’ve said this before in reviews but, as a general point, I really don’t like first person/past tense narration as I’m constantly questioning how the hell the narrator can remember what happened in so much detail (facial expressions/ emotions/ clothing/ furnishings/ verbatim dialogue etc) Probably just me!!

That’s quite a long extract from Donne’s poem. I ended up skimming it. Maybe just include a line or phrase that particularly represents Constantijn’s mindset/emotions??

I do find it hard to believe that this was originally written in Latin?? I’m not sure why?? I think it might be because the tone of the writing is more memoir than formal statement and the relaxed, almost conversational feel of the prose seems so far removed from anything I associate with the rather dry, slightly stiff structure of established Classical texts??

I THINK that I would love this book in print form! It's the kind of demanding read, with its 17th century stylistics, that reminds me of Eco (NOT Dan Brown). It is intelligent and esoteric but also (apparently; I haven't read it all) has a pay-off in a mystery solved. But it's hard to read this kind of book on the internet. It's the kind of book I need to hold in my hand, leaf back, etc. Some smart books demand more of the reader than the kindle format can deliver.

I am backing it, however; I want to see it continue to rise in rank. . . and then read it in print. (I actually went to Amazon to see if it was available as a CreateSpace book; sorry it's not).

Hi cheesehoven

Thanks for your very considered comments. They have given me a lot to think about. I'd only say a couple of things here that I disagree with and that is the framing device, partly because there already is a framing device (his son's). I have actually begun to excise the prologues. Huygens's is gone, but it still leaves me with a couple of prefaces. I haven't actually cut the prologues from Drebbel onwards yet but intend to, though they are very short. I think you are right on the money about the style: it's exactly the effect I am going for and I will have to put up with losing readers who don't like it (at last for now). The other big thing is why you feel the need to look up the historical characters so soon into the story. That will add to your enjoyment but only hold it up. What I mean is, the reader should have patience enough to keep going and see how much information can be gleaned from the story (one would hope). Admittedly, when I did have a similar novel published many years ago, the editor insisted on a list of historical characters at the back, which is one way to go, but I think it insults the reader's intelligence. Anyhoo, yours is a very intelligent and good review, so I will keep thinking about these points. Best, Brian.

Phoenix review for The Stream and the torrent.
Title: The stream and the torrent is very good, but I thought the sub title was longwinded and at variance with the main title. TSATT promises much excitement but the sub is rather flippant in tone.
Cover: Does not really stand out at least at this size.
Short pitch: Only mildly interesting
Long: The potentially engrossing and lucrative idea (albeit hinting at the Da Vinci code, but then, why not?) of things being hidden in a painting is only mentioned in passing. Like the title, it promises great excitement, but why no mention of this in the subtitle or short pitch? ‘TSATT: the hidden secrets of the rosicrusian painter’ and a short pitch like ‘one man holds the knowledge which threatens seventeenth century Europe’ or some such might be more enticing. Just a thought.
Having said that, I understand that you are not trying to write a thriller but a literary work based on a true story. I just think you would find it easier to be published if you pushed certain elements.
Quotation: This adds to the promise of the novel.
The prefaces: The tone of both of these are very good, but I think that having two together at this point is rather indulgent and delays the start of the story proper. You quite rightly get the style of the seventeenth century as being more considered and even circumlocutory than the present-day but I’m eager for the story to start. Huygens telling us that there will be a prologue before each section does not inspire much confidence. That this is followed by another quote (in untranslated French) starts to become an annoyance.
Part One: As said above, you capture the style of the period very well. However at its worst seventeenth century prose is very tortuous, almost unreadably so, with rambling sentences with lots of sub clauses confusing the sense. In the very third line here is a case in point. I read it several times without really getting it.
I must admit I knew little about most of the characters here (except John Donne) and had to look them up. The story of Torrentius is a very intriguing one, in fact, potentially its reality is much more interesting than the fantasy of Dan Brown and others. But surely the clarification of this should come from your writing? I had expected it would, but have been frustrated that I have now had to go searching for information merely to find out what you are talking about. I doubt many people are expert in the works of Huygens or the inventions of Drebbels but your novel presupposes a good deal of familiarity with these, as indeed any person from the early seventeenth century would naturally have had.
Any modern publisher publishing a genuine early 17th century work would doubtless add footnotes to explain references which would have been self-explanatory to any contemporaneous reader.
I think a framing narrative might help, Huygens’ journal being re-discovered in modern times. This would add urgency and immediacy to the story as well as providing an opportunity to explain these characters to modern readers. Also the contrast in styles between the zippier prose of moderns to the ponderous prose of the seventeenth century would lighten the heavy style.

Thanks, jmarie, so much! I fear a little over-praise here, in the sense that I hope you are not disappointed later (it gets really complicated), but on the other hand, this IS the response I am after, ultimately. I'm sure I'll have more to say later, but for now I am just so grateful that you, a definitely very fine writer, are giving it. Brian. P.S. As you probably know, the real Chapter Two is when Drebbel's narrative starts, although they are really parts rather than chapters. There I go again ...(And thanks for the backing!)

The Stream & the Torrent (Chapter 2 of novel / Ch 6 here )

The most remarkable thing about this work so far is the consistency of the seventeenth century voice of Huygens; so skilfully crafted and enjoyable to read, that one could easily forget this is actually the work of a 21st century author. I admire this ability Howell has to jump us back in time so authentically. I haven't found anything incongruous in the telling of this tale yet. Even the analogies and those little every day details which make up a narrative seem faultless. It begs the question: is he an historian as well as a writer - or has he just done the hard research to make this work so well? It seems to me to be more than the average historical fiction - is shaping up as a much more scholarly work.
Howell has also entered into the spirit of the times in such a manner that the events promised in the blurb will all make sense as they unravel. I wish I had the time to explain in more detail how much of this writing jumps out at me and makes me smile, laugh and nod. I don't know how many readers on this site will respond to this highly crafted writing - but I am confident that there is (still) an audience for such an intelligent work.
Here in the 2nd chapter of the main body of the narrative, we find the plot developing with a delicate balance of subtlety and certainty. Howell's own words in Huygen's voice describe exactly what I feel as I read: "...had it not been for certain incidents I observed whose outlines, like charcoaled pinpricks in oiled paper that give again the image they have duplicated, can only begin to be connected all these years hence." I feel I can sit back and watch the dots connect as I read on.

j.marie
Sleeping Gods

interesting==written with honesty and skill. a jolly good book...
backed...
read SEASONS...

Hi Dwain-Thomas

Thanks very much. I'll swing by yours and see what I can do but I have a backlogue.

Best


Brian

Brian,

I put your book on my shelf, because it deserves to be there! Please take a look at my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, for your possible backing. Thank you, good luck, and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

Brian,

I put your book on my shelf, because it deserves to be there! Please take a look at my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, for your possible backing. Thank you, good luck, and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

This is the comment I read this morning but seems only to exist in a parallel dimension on Authonomy. I think I replied.

B.

That's better already! But it also makes it easier to see that there are 2 prefaces and a prologue before we get to the main text. I think your suggestion (in your message to me) that the essence of the prologue could be merged with the main body of Huygens' account is a good one. What is the purpose of such a prologue anyway? does it tell us something we need to know to understand the story? It sets the tone of a historical account, but it isn't one - it is fiction - so you have licence to write it with a more modern structure. What would help many readers is some kind of list of historical figures (but at the end like a glossary) as most won't be familiar with the period.
Will definitely be reading on.

That's better already! But it also makes it easier to see that there are 2 prefaces and a prologue before we get to the main text. I think your suggestion (in your message to me) that the essence of the prologue could be merged with the main body of Huygens' account is a good one. What is the purpose of such a prologue anyway? does it tell us something we need to know to understand the story? It sets the tone of a historical account, but it isn't one - it is fiction - so you have licence to write it with a more modern structure. What would help many readers is some kind of list of historical figures (but at the end like a glossary) as most won't be familiar with the period.
Will definitely be reading on.

Hi jmarie

That really is a most helpful review and very encouraging. Although people have pointed out about the slow beginning (i.e. the prologue?), what you say makes me think I should really think about removing it or subsuming some of it into the main narrative. There are other prologues but Huygens's is the longest. I have to do some serious thinking about this because it's been nagging at me for some time. Very good point about the initial chapter list and the quotes, especially as regards Authonomy. I think what is most encouraging is that you are responding to exactly some of the things I wanted to get over about Huygens and Torrentius. It will be very interesting if you do read more, because each part brings about quite a radical change in narrative (I hope). Thanks for pointing out so many concrete examples - and the typo, of course. Let me know if you want me to read more of Gods. In the meantime, thanks. Best, Brian

LF40 review The Stream and The Torrent (chapter one)

The time and research you have put into this is evident from the outset. It suggests work of a caliber seldom seen here. After some initial difficulty adjusting to the narrator's very appropriate but somewhat convoluted style, I settled in for a journey through a period of history that is both colourful and complex. Your first chapter has it unfolding before me in a convincing manner.
I loved Huygens' description of Torrentius' reaction to the camera obscurer and the clear suggestion that he is over acting. The very employment of this tool so near the beginning seems a metaphor for the alchemistic, mystical inclinations of the character. (But it remains to be seen if I'm heading in the same direction as you on this.) Also enjoyed the play upon the idea of a 'water engine' when the narrator diverges and observes how dangerous it may be to turn a stream into a torrent. Many such lovely and thoughtful details here.
It is, in fact, a very thoughtful opening, and some readers may feel it takes too long to actually get to the main character. For my part, I was prepared to wait because the writer seemed in command of the detail. I began to really warm to Huygens, and to Torrentius, when Huygens makes the observation that 'Most painters ... are at the confluence of light and dark'
I found Huygens' voice much easier to read after I'd got past his preface, and even wondered how necessary that was. It was his visual description of Torrentius that first captured my imagination and brough him to life. I acknowledge that the earlier introduction is a skilful recreation of the tone of documents written during the period - but that's why it sits like a buffer between the reader and the unfolding action of the novel.
I have some suggestions regarding the way we read this here on Authonomy: the list of chapters or 'parts' at the outset seems unnecessary. Why not simply use each heading at the start of that part as we get to it? Likewise, so many opening quotations distracted me - I would have preferred to read only one. Or one at a time; commencing new sections of the book perhaps? Also although the title is apt and powerful, I feel the blurb here still needs work. It gives away too much detail without enticing us into the drama. But blurbs are notoriously difficult to get right and I think publishers should actually do it!
On all other levels this first chapter is strong in both story and form (the period prose is skilful and becomes easier to read as soon as the story takes over). The characters drawn from history seem true to their time but not remote from our own. Importantly, I want to read on. And I'll comment further when I have.

j.marie
Sleeping Gods
ps. Only found one typo: ...and gruffly pulled it door to.

Hi Catherine

I certainly didn't think of that! Cheers.


Brian

The long pitch is reading well now, but you might like to consider breaking it into paragraphs, rather than having a great block of prose. Easier to read in shorter chunks, with white spaces in between, even if the words themselves remain the same.

Hi Tammy

I really appreciate that insight. You're right: it's really a shortened version of my pitch for agents and I have to make it snappier. I have to get down to that soon. I'm sorry my section is so long. It's because I don't have chapters, and I hate breaking the sections up too much. Yes, I must say my long sections and sentences are not great for screen reading.

Brian

Hi Brian :-)
The short pitch is great but the long pitch was a bit long winded for me, perhaps break it up into sections and delete any parts of it that aren't absolutely neccessary. It needs to be more inticing to the reader, as it is it starts off really strong but then turns into more of a synopsis. Think of it more as like the blurb on the back of your book. You need to be able to interest the reader enough when they pick it up in a bookshop to want to purchase it.
For the rest I will have to come back to I'm sorry. I started to read but my eyes are tired from already reviewing and you have a heck of a lot of words in that first chapter!
I do like the idea of your story and I will read some tomorrow and comment more :-)
Tammy