The King's Blessing

Hi there Pam,

I have no memory of how I came across your book but I did somehow so here I am!

To start off you have a great premise. I liked the dream idea and the rural/feudal setting. As others have mentioned you have a talent for observation and description and there's some really nice language here. The end of the third chapter brings a very nice moment of drama and you handled it very subtly.

My main criticism of the plot is that the central character acts a little bit helpless in the three chapters I've read. I know she's supposed to be scared by her new abilities but it seems to me there's no barrier to her using them. It seems she should be comfortable with them anyway considering that her dad has the same abilities. Why doesn't she simply tell her parents about her dream so that she can save their lives? For me this would be the most pressing factor.

In terms of style I'd say you're already doing very well but you need to tighten up your punctuation and try to break some of your long, running sentences down into shorter ones in order to improve general readability.

Here are my close comments

FIREPLACE
- one word

rough table and dresser where Ma sat SEWING

home; as I watched, thin wisps of smoke
- second comma

disturbance AT the EDGE of my awareness.

NEVERTHELESS
-one word

a heavy black robe, HOLDING a burning brand
-also I wasn't sure what a brand was in this context

Other dreams, other memories, shift like flowing sand as the wind of experience, CHANGE AND force their own will upon them.
- not entirely sure about this sentence

Chapter 1
anything; I even tried to recite A few prayers,

I threw myself into my old life as if it was a slippery fish that would escape my grasp at any moment.
- mixed metaphor, revise

symbols, a skill he said THAT might come in useful one dai,
- also using dai instead of day. This feels like a token effort. Either you introduce a lot more linguistic variations or you forget them altogether. If not, it's just English with one word spelt wrong (a second word is used later I know but this still isn't very comprehensive)

up in making me contradict myself and GETTING tongue tied.

Pa seemed to know exactly where we were going.   “Where are we going?”
-repetition here sounds silly

“We’re going home.” When it did come,
-full stop (period) after home. - rules for laying out speech here... http://www.youngwritersonline.net/showthread.php?t=20

to ward off ANY MORE questions

my side and began SCRAPING the paint from the boards with my nails.

The NORMALITY of our traveling life carried on regardless,

I don't know when your story is set but I felt talking about gravity was a rather modern concept and it didn't fit

bundled into the house AMIDST a mass
- delete of

Discovering that Pa was the youngest of nine siblings, of which only six survived, the others dying in infancy, was alarming; all the remaining ones were married with large families of their own and they were all in the maternal home to welcome us.
-long sentence. You often use semi colons and commas when it would be better to start a new sentence. Give the readers a chance to breathe.

Looking around(,) the family resemblance was easy to see(.) Several of the men had the same square shaped head that I teased Pa about(.) With it went dark curly hair, WHICH WAS now Thin on many heads(,) deep set brown eyes sat above a prominent nose, with a firm(,) square chin and MOUTH.
-I've re-punctuated this (changes in brackets.) It was previously one long, confusing sentence.

CH 2

the window became A reachable destination.

It was much easier to believe such an obvious lie (delete comma) in the bright sunshine.

The main room of the cottage was much as I remembered
- add I

soon revealed TO BE my parent’s room,

“I’m not hungry,” I MUMBLED despondently.

I often manage it on Elder's Dai,
-apostrophe

lot of trouble that dai, and was grounded for the rest of the sampi
- grounded is too modern / American

When I could (delete comma) escape after our return to the cottage and go to the copse I did;

Each other's
- apostrophe

The sense of relief this brought was tangible; despite the cold, the silence it brought was soothing,
- two broughts

intention of seeking out its meaning.
-delete apostrophe

shelter in one of THE less reputable Inns

the Tinkers were suspected but no motive could be found.
- isn't wanting food a motive? - perhaps you mean no evidence could be found?

board and lodgings at the inn at the Landlord's expense,
Small i for inn and apostrophe for landlord's


Remembering that DREAMS were not supposeD to come true,

Ma’s raised voice, competING

An uncomfortable awareness disturbed me again, this time I knew what it was, and reaching for the chamber pot from under my bed and went through the ritual before climbing back into bed.
-confusing revise

Pushing it open feeling the cold of the bars as it responded smoothly to my touch; stepping through, a large stone room full of light greeted me; long tables, chairs, tapestries, music, food and richness, met my eager gaze.
-also confusing

I hope all that helps.

My biggest tip for you would be to join YARG - http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/92583/young-adult-reading-group-yarg-ii/ in order to get more comments, feedback and support.

Good start, best of luck,

Benedict

I read this two weeks ago and have only just now been able to find the time to post my comments about your intriguing mss.

I love your attention to detail and descriptive phrases. They light up my mind and made me want to read more.
The plot is fascinating and driven. I could never predict with authority how each scene would play out. And in my "readers mind," that works for me! :)
I only wish I didn't feel so far removed from your MC. I have this feeling that she is a powerful character with amazing potential but i never truly connected in either the first or third person. I can't put my finger on the pulse of it ; but I do plan to come back and re-read it when I get the chance.

Blessings and best wishes,
Laura A. Diaz
They Call Me Blanca

Hi Pam.
I like the tension and the pace in your writing and prefer the first person in the beginning to the later version. The writing flows with a dreamlike quality which suits your subject-matter. Backed.
Ame

Hi there,

I have read chapter 8, and I will say that it is much stronger than the prologue. The writing is much tighter, the descriptions are better crafted, and the tone is well set for intrigue. I like this a lot. I've included some notes on some things you might want to consider. These are only my opinions, so feel free to ignore what you don't agree with.

- In order to attract more readers, I would suggest revising your pitches. As they are, they don't reveal much about the story you are telling. Adding some information about the main theme(s) or story arc, or about the kinds of conflict the characters will face might interest more readers.
- I am not sure if it's because I skipped chapters and jumped in at chapter 8, but I had no idea who the men were. They are both referred to as 'he' until Tad mentions a Brother's name later on. I found this confusing, especially during the dialogue since the tags didn't identify who the speakers were.
- 'Looming' and 'loomed' are both used in close proximity to one another. You might try changing that up a bit. It's a small thing but thought I'd mention it anyway.
- The last thing is that in the second half of the chapter, there is a shift in point of view, as it begins with Tad's and ends with his wife's.

Nice job here. I'm glad I read on. :)

Dyane

PLEASE NOTE!

CHAPTERS 1-7 ARE IN FIRST PERSON, CHAPTERS 8-11 ARE THE SAME STORY IN THIRD PERSON, PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHICH ONE IS BEST!

THANKS ALL

PAM

Hi,

I have read the prologue. Rather than wait to compile all my comments into one giant review, I’ll post them as I go. Please remember that these comments and suggestions are only my opinion, so feel free to take or ignore them as you see fit. :)

Over all, the writing is poetic and it flows well. I think I am glad you chose to change to the third person POV, as it felt strange to be so directly addressed by the narrator.

As a whole, I am not yet sure of the relationship between the dream and the MC’s monologue at the end. The dream relates a horrific event but no where does it allude to the MC doing anything that is ‘foolish child’ or ‘selfish’, which is the essense of her discourse. I wonder if you should consider revising the dream so that somewhere there is a hint reflecting what the MC is talking about. Right now, they seem like two separate entities.

In the dream sequence itself, after time 'stops' when the MC looks into the woman’s eyes, the scene changes dramatically without notice (from Ma sewing and Pa with his pipe to the fire). I think it would help the flow and consistency of the read if you indicated that the scene changed once the MC looked into the woman’s eyes.

Some corrections to consider : ‘…; these both leapt out of the vision in her eyes.’ I think this sentence may need to be revised, as I wasn’t sure what it was referring to.

‘…burned into me, HE…’ I think here, you should put a period rather than a comma.

‘My initial confusion…’ I would suggest just starting, ‘Confusion…’ It’s more direct and less wordy.

‘…wind of experience, need and change…’ This seems too wordy. I would suggest choosing the one of the three that best resumes what you want to say.

Nice start to your book! I'm looking forward to reading more. If you would like more info on anything I wrote, just let me know.

Best,
Dyane

Hi,

I have read the prologue. Rather than wait to compile all my comments into one giant review, I’ll post them as I go. Please remember that these comments and suggestions are only my opinion, so feel free to take or ignore them as you see fit. :)

Over all, the writing is poetic and it flows well. I think I am glad you chose to change to the third person POV, as it felt strange to be so directly addressed by the narrator.

As a whole, I am not yet sure of the relationship between the dream and the MC’s monologue at the end. The dream relates a horrific event but no where does it allude to the MC doing anything that is ‘foolish child’ or ‘selfish’, which is the essense of her discourse. I wonder if you should consider revising the dream so that somewhere there is a hint reflecting what the MC is talking about. Right now, they seem like two separate entities.

In the dream sequence itself, after time 'stops' when the MC looks into the woman’s eyes, the scene changes dramatically without notice (from Ma sewing and Pa with his pipe to the fire). I think it would help the flow and consistency of the read if you indicated that the scene changed once the MC looked into the woman’s eyes.

Some corrections to consider : ‘…; these both leapt out of the vision in her eyes.’ I think this sentence may need to be revised, as I wasn’t sure what it was referring to.

‘…burned into me, HE…’ I think here, you should put a period rather than a comma.

‘My initial confusion…’ I would suggest just starting, ‘Confusion…’ It’s more direct and less wordy.

‘…wind of experience, need and change…’ This seems too wordy. I would suggest choosing the one of the three that best resumes what you want to say.

Nice start to your book! I'm looking forward to reading more. If you would like more info on anything I wrote, just let me know.

Best,
Dyane

THE KING’S BLESSING

I promised you I would return the read and here I am. Now, as I tell everyone take what rings true and pitch the rest. I’ll give you my honest opinion over your first two chapters since your first chapter on Autho is a prologue.

CH 1/Dream scene

I like that this started with a dream. I found this engaging and you are good with descriptions. However, it is blatantly obvious that we have different writing styles. There are times when I think you need a period but you use semi colons. Also, I’m not a fan of capitalizing dialogue. I think it look unpolished and a bit unprofessional in general. I’d consider removing this if I were you.

CH 2

I’m seeing issues with some punctuation within the dialogue. I’d take a look at this when you go through and do edits. For example,: “I don’t want you to tell me what happened unless you want to,” He paused and pulled away from me again,.... “In this instance, you need a period and not a comma within the dialogue.

I’m going to second what a few of your other reviewers have said. I’m not a fan of the first person narrative. It works in some cases, and even then it is VERY tricky. You have to have a real finesse for the first person to pull it off. I’ve seen a handful of people on Autho do this in a way that I could see being published. I’m not saying that this can’t be worked with in your story, but I’m getting too much of her thoughts and not enough action of what is going on. I felt the read started to slow and it lost me. I kept telling myself to refocus. I want to feel pulled along in the story, unable to take my eyes off the page. I’m not getting that here. I think more dialogue will help as will more action beyond her thoughts. Good luck with this. It seems to be a solid idea for a story and with a bit of polishing and hard work I believe it could go far.

Pam,

Great potential, but for me the pace was too fast and the style too slow. Is it a strange contradiction? Re the former, I found it a struggle to assimilate what was happening and keep up with the pace at the same time. And I don’t think the language helped. That the story takes place at a certain time past and you are trying to write it in the style of the time is, to my mind a mistake: that style is too formal and stilted to let you inject real texture colour and passion into the narrative. And with texture, colour and passion it could be a great narrative.

To me, the first person doesn’t help – but then I have always had an aversion to first person narratives – to me the I is too introspective and too inhibited to let it all hang out.

But take it or leave it… we all have differing ideas on what is good writing, about which, of course, Somerset Maughan said, ‘there are three rules – but nobody can remember what they are’; and, at the end of the day, this is your baby and that’s where the buck stops. So very good luck.

AJB

I had a chance to read the first few chapters of your book. I found it difficult to read, due to the fact it didn't hold my interest. However that does not take away any compliments to your writing skills. You are a powerful writer. You use words brilliantly in your narrative descriptions. Thank you for sharing this story.
Sincerely, LFRJ of IBFC

Dear Pam,

I finally found time to read the first few chapters of your book. I liked the dream idea and was immediately drawn into the story. I wanted to know more about your protagonist. After reading the first four chapters I still didn't have a clear picture of her in my mind.

This is a lovely fantasy and has a wonderful fairy tale quality. I would be intrigued to know where you take the story next. Keep going. Best of luck.

Tracey

i like the first chapter and how you start off with her having a bad dream. i wanted to keep reading and find out what it was about and why she had it. your description is spot on but i think your book would benefit from having a little more dialogue as well as the paragraphs being broken up a bit more. you have a strong voice and i feel like i can safely say i know who your main character is.
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

As promised, I have returned to read your book. And, I'm most impressed. This is my kind of fantasy -- a world and culture that you have built, characters who are intensely human with conflicts that make sense. There's magic and reasons to keep magic a secret. I've only read the first two chapters and I'm already wishing you had more than five chapters.

There are some mechanical issues in your writing. You have gerunds that don't really agree with the sentence they're apprended to ... that usually happens when you're trying to tighten the writing by combining sentences. Try reading it aloud to catch them. There's a "mettle" gate that should be a "metal" gate. There's some connector words missing. All these are just editing issues. And there's some punctuation issues. Overall, though, this is a well-written story, that deserves attention.

Lauri (Lela Markham - The Willow Branch)

Your writing is wonderful, using all the senses in your description.
I kind of felt that I didn't know enough about your MC though, perhaps it's just me. I think you have the making of a great story and I will definately be reading more.
I was drawn to your story as mine also has dreams/premontions. I love that it started with a dream straight away. I've added you to my WL for now.

Luciana
Burning Angel

You're good at being descriptive without being overly wordy. The only thing I wasn't crazy about writing-wise, is your use of the word 'stuff'. I know it was dialogue, and obviously that's how people talk, but I don't know, it was just ingrained in me at an early age by a former teacher of mine not to use the word 'stuff' lol.

Pam,
You have a refreshingly unique writing style long on prose and sparse on dialogue. I enjoyed every moment shared with Frieda because she's such a sympathetic character despite her foibles. Your plot flows well with your POV in the first person focusing on the action at hand with little time for backstory that gives immediacy to the narrative. Thank you so much for the delightful read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hmm, I like your pitch -- political and religious intrigue. Sounds, uh, intriguing. I've watch-listed your book. Unlike some people, I will read your book and comment on it. Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch).

hi Pam,
the tension and uncertainty of the first chapter are well portrayed. The lack of control by which the MC's life is characterised, is demonstrated by the dream which foreshadows an inevitable fate and threatens with visions of tragedy and horror. Your writing supports the dark emotions and drives the storyline forward, while your voice is strong and at one point reminds us that those times have already passed.

Hi Pam

I was able to read a number of your chapters. You write well! There are a few little spelling mistakes and wandering apostrophes here and there to tidy up, which I'm sure you will do in time.
This is really not a genre I enjoy very much, but I see that you have an interesting alternate reality here that comes from an imaginative and creative mind.
I don't think that it's my general lack of interest in the genre that made me feel as I read that I was running to catch up. There's something about the first chapter that made it complicated for me to get to know the characters and there world. I'm not suggesting an introductory narrative, but I felt rather that I had dropped into the middle of something strange and had not yet warmed up to the main character sufficiently to want to stay with her. Can you think of another hook to get started and some way to introduce us to her and her world before we get into the thick of things?

Awarded with stars.
Fr. Ambrose
"The Holy Innocents"

brilliant descriptive narrative takes this story along nicely...interesting, and compelling...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...