The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island

The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island.
By Susan Brauner.

A rather nice children’s story here, a fascinating read for any youngster, I’m sure.
Sohi at the Skreen’s house, finding a whistle that conjures up a Dragon…great stuff !!
You certainly have an imagination to write books like this.
There’s some very good descriptive writing throughout, all with the young reader in mind.
We need more books like this to occupy children. I don’t think we have enough of good quality books for the early age group.
I think you will do well with this book…and why not…it’s great writing!
I enjoyed it immensely. Top stars for this.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Dear Susan,
I have been a teacher librarian in a previous life and I currently teach in primary education. I have a real passion for children's literature. Half the time I prefer it to adult literature, with some exceptions of course.
I think you are targetting a much needed area of the market. There is a real need for excellent stories for this age group. I always feel it is an area that needs so many more authors to take the plunge.
Your engaging tale of Sohi and the dragon is sure to delight many readers of this age group. I enjoyed the three chapters I read, and I'm sure many teacher librarians would be thanking you for coming up with this story.
Sohi is a lovely boy, with a charming manner. The idea of the rainbows disappearing is a good one, and definitely one young kids could relate to. Most kids still feel there is something magical about them.
All in all I think this will do really well.
Star rated and watchlisted for now,
Cheers Jacoba
One typo, I don't think anyone else picked up: Chapter three: If the dragon and the wizard are working together... ( had it instead of if)

It is so important to inspire children to love reading at an early age. I bought this book for my 8 year old grandson, and he has already read it three times! This is the first chapter book he has ever read, and he can hardly wait to read another adventure of Sohi. I enjoyed the book as well, but it rates 6 stars from me because of the excitement it inspired in my 8 year old grandson.

Karen Bragg

As I read this, I can easily imagine it read aloud to a group of captivated children sitting on the floor. Your voice is very natural. I'll be rating this highly, and I think it has a future.

Hi Susan
Great expressive narrative. Excellent flow with a language suitable for the target readers. You must be a great teacher too who knows well to tell extempore stories. The book must be published; it will do good business.
With best wishes.

A very captivating and well written story for children. You have developed some great characters, Sohi is delightful. I really felt the impulsiveness and adventure of a 9 year old boy. The introduction of the dragon brings intrigue and mystery and suggests a great adventure to follow.
I really enjoyed what I read, stars for now with a backing to follow soon
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

Susan,
I love the childlike simplicity of this tale intended for young readers. It's a very easy read as books intended for children should be. The child's imagination is one which can be easily enchanted by fantastic tales. Sohi's incredible adventure is one which many young readers would want to experience.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

I thought this was a brilliant book for younger readers. Your imagination is very impressive. I think there is a great market out there for books like this, you've got the right style to keep the younger minds involved. I wish I could find a whistle like that :) anway great job and I really liked this.

Missy
I'll get it on the shelf when I can!!

Hi! I was drawn to your book by its front cover and read the first two chapters. I enjoyed it, but I think Sohi needs a more developed character. Maybe he could have a problem that could be solved a bit later on in the story. I'd also like a better description of the dragon. All I know is that he's blue.
The idea of Sohi summoning the dragon with the whistle is a good one. If I was a child I'd definitely be wanting to know why it was buried and what its history is. I'd read on.

Hi Susan,

Sohi is a charming story, with great characters. Your voice is perfect for telling it and your descriptions are clear. I want to go visit the Rainbow Kingdom myself!

In the first chapter, when Sohi returns home, his mother mentions a note which you never told us he wrote. I was a little confused as to why none of the adults were interested in the random box dug up in a backyard, to me it seems like the sort of thing that would catch everyone's attention. Also, I think it would be better to say that the dragons breathed fire rather than blowing fire; it might just be me, but a fire blowing dragon sounds odd.

Great immagination and an enjoyable read, good luck!
JC

The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island.
By Susan Brauner.

A rather nice children’s story here, a fascinating read for any youngster, I’m sure.
Sohi at the Skreen’s house, finding a whistle that conjures up a Dragon…great stuff !!
You certainly have an imagination to write books like this.
There’s some very good descriptive writing throughout, all with the young reader in mind.
We need more books like this to occupy children. I don’t think we have enough of good quality books for the early age group.
I think you will do well with this book…and why not…it’s great writing!
I enjoyed it immensely. Top stars for this.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

I like this very much. You write very well and I would think that all age groups would find this book a pleasure and a page turning adventure to read.

Susan being a children's writer i truly enjoy this piece, targeted at the beginner chapter book reader. You have a smooth writing style that kids will easily follow. your dialogue is wonderful and Sohi is a wonderful main character that kids can relate too. The concept of saving rainbows and of course dragons, combine two things, one something tangible that they can see on any given day; a rainbow and the most widly imagined creature the dragon. well done and will see some shelf time.

What excellent talent you have! Well done.
jennifer braun

Excellent comment, thank you so much for your time. Some of the stuff was pretty bland, I understand. In my desire to make Sohi a normal kid, doing normal stuff, I might have overdone it. The pancakes are important as they show up later in the story and in the next book. Since my reader is usually pretty young, I wanted him/her to totally relate to the character. Your youngest is the perfect age for reading Sohi. My nine year old nephew has read the book five times!

Hi Susan!
I have three children that I have always read to. My youngest is now 9, and he loves reading... So I'm interested to read your work!!
My very picky comments on what is a very well written story!! :
1st paragraph: I would ditch the last sentence, "his mother made them every sunday morning". For some reason, this sentence jarred with me.
2nd para: Maybe say "New York"? My kids wouldn't know what NY was. But I guess the mother could tell them...
Overall on the first half of the story: You mention that this is the 'amazing' story twice. I would cut one of those times... The other general thought I had through the first part is that there's no immediate goal for sohi, and no foreshadowing what is going to happen other than a graphic of a box, and that the story will be amazing. So, I'm kind of reading through the first part wondering what's so amazing... maybe at the start of the book, have his mother mention the digging that will be going on, and that he may like to search for something... or whatever so that the reader gets the idea in their mind that sohi is going to find something amazing...
Would you like to have spaghetti or meatloaf? (I don't think you need the 'for dinner' part).
And maybe he should 'see' the secret compartment, not have water being held in it... cause water would be dripping everywhere, and it would have to be a pretty amazing compartment to hold it!!
Overall, lovely story and I will read on. Highly rated!
Thanks
Monicque. :)

Hi Susan!
I have three children that I have always read to. My youngest is now 9, and he loves reading... So I'm interested to read your work!!
My very picky comments on what is a very well written story!! :
1st paragraph: I would ditch the last sentence, "his mother made them every sunday morning". For some reason, this sentence jarred with me.
2nd para: Maybe say "New York"? My kids wouldn't know what NY was. But I guess the mother could tell them...
Overall on the first half of the story: You mention that this is the 'amazing' story twice. I would cut one of those times... The other general thought I had through the first part is that there's no immediate goal for sohi, and no foreshadowing what is going to happen other than a graphic of a box, and that the story will be amazing. So, I'm kind of reading through the first part wondering what's so amazing... maybe at the start of the book, have his mother mention the digging that will be going on, and that he may like to search for something... or whatever so that the reader gets the idea in their mind that sohi is going to find something amazing...
Would you like to have spaghetti or meatloaf? (I don't think you need the 'for dinner' part).
And maybe he should 'see' the secret compartment, not have water being held in it... cause water would be dripping everywhere, and it would have to be a pretty amazing compartment to hold it!!
Overall, lovely story and I will read on. Highly rated!
Thanks
Monicque. :)

First, thanks for taking a look at my story. Your critique was spot on. It's not edited yet...still a rough draft but I do appreciate your comments and took them to heart.

Now for your book. It was slow in the beginning but once I got to the part where the dragon lands I became completely engaged. I love this genre though. The story is well written and precise.

Congrats on a great book!

T.L. Doutrich
Lilly and Thomas, Throne of Pidl

I seems a great book I will read and comment

Hi, rebacking your lovely tale.

jim

This is a really cute story. I like it so far (I've read through chapter 6). Just two things I as a reader want clarified--Sohi and Dato (like the name btw). "Sohi" just sounds like an exotic name, so when I began reading, I was expecting a few details about his culture (if it was exotic in any way) and other such things. I suppose for a kids' book, things like that wouldn't be as relevant as they would to an older audience, so how you have it is great. After I read some, curiosity provoked me to look up his name in a baby dictionary, and I discovered that it was of Italian origin. Interesting.

Dato is a dragon, but I didn't see much description about him, other than that he was blue. Because dragons are so much different from humans, their appearance needs to be described in great detail where they enter the story. Their movements are completely inhuman, and should be described differently (while a bored human would twiddle his thumbs, a bored dragon would swish his tail, etc). In some parts of your story (where they visited Witch Hazel, for instance) Dato almost seemed to come across as human instead of dragon in the way he eats and handles food, "sits" at the table, etc.

I like it! Keep up the good work! I could see this in a children's section of a bookstore someday.

Bek Mars, author of DarkStar

Hi Susan! Thank you for your very nice comment. I'm placing yours on my watchlist, too. Love the genre! Looking forward,
Jim

Hi Susan,

I think you have the makings of a very engaging and well-written story. I do have some suggestions. Instead of starting with "This is an amazing story," just TELL us the amazing story. You're "telling not showing." I would actually suggest removing the first two paragraphs and getting right to the story. Which is amazing. I think you can weave in the family details a bit later without all the up-front exposition. Ditto the hair combing and tooth brushing. It seems you're trying to make it feel very immediate and real, but I think there's a bit too much detail. Tell the story, which you're good at!

I hope this is helpful. And I look forward to your critique of Animal Cracker.
Best,
Andi

Hi, Susan.

I think Sohi is a very interesting character, and the story promises to be an engaging adventure. Did someone say dragons?!

My one suggestion would be that some of your sentences sound quite passive (too many 'was' constructions) - maybe they could be spiced up to make the read feel more active?

Best wishes with taking this one forward!
Rik.

i have read a lot of the books on this site to the children i teach and did so with this one -but it did not hold their interest i think it is because the DRAGON idea has been done so many times before -i actually liked it and particularly the idea of the rainbows disappearing but found there was too much conversation in it .i think that is what put them off - so i stopped at chap 3-have you reasd this to children?when you do it changes your perspective -on my watchlist so will come back to it soon-elisa 45

HI Susan
I would have loved reading this to my kids when they were small
J

Dear Susan,
I have been a teacher librarian in a previous life and I currently teach in primary education. I have a real passion for children's literature. Half the time I prefer it to adult literature, with some exceptions of course.
I think you are targetting a much needed area of the market. There is a real need for excellent stories for this age group. I always feel it is an area that needs so many more authors to take the plunge.
Your engaging tale of Sohi and the dragon is sure to delight many readers of this age group. I enjoyed the three chapters I read, and I'm sure many teacher librarians would be thanking you for coming up with this story.
Sohi is a lovely boy, with a charming manner. The idea of the rainbows disappearing is a good one, and definitely one young kids could relate to. Most kids still feel there is something magical about them.
All in all I think this will do really well.
Star rated and watchlisted for now,
Cheers Jacoba
One typo, I don't think anyone else picked up: Chapter three: If the dragon and the wizard are working together... ( had it instead of if)

It is so important to inspire children to love reading at an early age. I bought this book for my 8 year old grandson, and he has already read it three times! This is the first chapter book he has ever read, and he can hardly wait to read another adventure of Sohi. I enjoyed the book as well, but it rates 6 stars from me because of the excitement it inspired in my 8 year old grandson.

Karen Bragg

Adventures of Sohi
Fiction - 3rd person

Premise: engaging fantasy for children. Wonderful premise with dragons and a magic box.

Characterization: The MC, a 9yr old boy Sohi is fairly well characterized and believable.

Pacing: IMO, the pacing is very slow to start. It gets a little richer and moves a little faster in Ch 2.

Mechanics, For the most part appear to be correct. I only noticed the possisive s in Steen's; shouldn't the appostrophy appear after the "s" since "the Steens" are plural?

POV: 3rd person narrative; has a tendency to be distant and telling rather than showing. I wonder if this would work better as 3rd person without the narrative voice? Sometimes the narrative is so technical and forced, it is distracting and reads more like a report than a piece of fiction. The 2nd half of Ch 2 has some engaging interaction between Sohi and the dragon.

Language; good for the target audience. Simple sentence structures read quickly and clearly.

Target Market: the genre' is in great demand and the young children ages 8-12 will probably love the subject matter.

I wish you well and hope that my observations are helpful.
Raechel
Echo

This is a well-written story that my students at school would love. Sohi is easy to relate to, and the writing is tight and compelling. The discovery of the box sets up the rest of the story nicely. Well done!

Susan,
Fantastic pacing and sentence structure for the younger audience. I think that this would be a great book for kids just starting to read a lot on their own, and the hint of mystery over the box and adventure would definitely appeal.

One thing I do wonder about is the length. For something written in this style and for this age group it seems a bit long to me. Just my thoughts. :-)

One easy edit for a typo: "When he reached reaching over..." (First chapter)

Best of luck with this!
Em

Susan-

I have just read some chapters of your book and I am pleased to know that you have the great talent as well. Your words sound so natural and the flow of emotion in every line is very clear. Reading it makes me feel like I was young again lol. thank you

FLETCH
STORIES FROM A LEAKING MIND

Hi Susan
Great expressive narrative. Excellent flow with a language suitable for the target readers. You must be a great teacher too who knows well to tell extempore stories. The book must be published; it will do good business.
With best wishes.

As I read this, I can easily imagine it read aloud to a group of captivated children sitting on the floor. Your voice is very natural. I'll be rating this highly, and I think it has a future.

More, more, more! What happens next?
Well done and good luck
from carly

fascinating; lovely picture sets it up well...this is written very well with expressive narrative; l have backed...
read SEASONS...

Susan -

The Adventures of Sohi - Mystery of Moon Island - an enchanting adventure tale for children. I haven't read here for some time and enjoyed myself. I hope you don't mind me pointing out some typos I spotted ... In the first sentence ... he liked to collect rocks (comma) ride his bike ... Also in the first chapter, check ... When he reached reaching across his desk. Re: the box ... when he put some waer (water?) into the box ... and ... Sohi took out a piece of paper ... this could be understood as coming from the box. Two things that made me ponder ... Dato introduced a Kenton Grey ... which made him sound as one of a race, but this seems to be his name. When Kenton Grey appears again on the Moon Island I had to think who's that?
I read all seven chapters and liked the story and the detailed observations which add to the suspense. Also, the chapters end in good cliff-hanger places. I give this four stars. Best luck, I enjoyed the read. Pia

Thanks Pia, I should have checked those errors before I uploaded. The things you mentioned were corrected in the published book, but since my perfect copy is in PDF format, I had to take a rough draft and 'fix' it, so I could upload it. Looks like I missed a few things. Thanks for catching them for me, I'll fix them here too. Susan

Susan -

The Adventures of Sohi - Mystery of Moon Island - an enchanting adventure tale for children. I haven't read here for some time and enjoyed myself. I hope you don't mind me pointing out some typos I spotted ... In the first sentence ... he liked to collect rocks (comma) ride his bike ... Also in the first chapter, check ... When he reached reaching across his desk. Re: the box ... when he put some waer (water?) into the box ... and ... Sohi took out a piece of paper ... this could be understood as coming from the box. Two things that made me ponder ... Dato introduced a Kenton Grey ... which made him sound as one of a race, but this seems to be his name. When Kenton Grey appears again on the Moon Island I had to think who's that?
I read all seven chapters and liked the story and the detailed observations which add to the suspense. Also, the chapters end in good cliff-hanger places. I give this four stars. Best luck, I enjoyed the read. Pia

Susan,
There will always be a Sohi inside of us, no matter what our age, waiting for the right moment to emerge. For me, the right moment was starting into your book reviving in me a spirit of adventure shunted aside when I took on the airs and trappings of being grown up. Your prose is clear and uncluttered, your dialogue natural flowing, giving us a story easy to follow and enjoy. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Susan, While the genre is not my cup of tea I can see the children that I teach - pre-teens - would enjoy your writing. All the best.

Susan, your writing is fantastic, and there was never a moment I thought this had been written by an amateur. I sincerely wish you all the best!