The Ember

Hi Timothy! Just a few comments at the beginning of this read. The short pitch is ok, but doesn't necessarily scream "COOL!" to me. The longer pitch is confusing. You mention Asher, fine, but then there's this Jack that appears in the middle of a sentence. Who's Jack? The second paragraph has a really long last sentence that doesn't hook me till the end.
Now for the book... :) "the man in the shadow bod his time" - I think you mean "bade"
there another typo: "but he hadn't expected it to be instruct itself" - something's wrong here. Also "the and the bright light"
It's an exciting beginning, but I think that the tension actually suffers from the lack of "the man's" name. It's always easier to identify with an actual name than a generic type. Also, I feel that there is perhaps too much description. Don't get me wrong, it's good stuff and it's vivid, but there's a bit too much, so that I start feeling tired after reading even a few pages. I had the same problem in early drafts of my novel, by the way, so I could be extra sensitive to it. It is the prologue, after all, and should be short and sweet.
I'll definitely continue reading this a little later.

Dear Timothy,
Writing a book is a lot of work, isn’t it? You read it over and over, until you can’t stand to look at it one more time. I felt that way many times, still do.
You said you started “The Ember” in your early teens, and I have to compliment you on your awesome visualization of a futuristic world. Unfortunately there are no short cuts, you have to read it out loud as many times as it takes and you should, because I think you have a winner here.
There is much tension in the first chapter and a great hook at the end of it, but I found a few sentences that need some attention.

The third sentence of chapter one is well constructed, but the word “viciously” somehow doesn’t fit in.
“She clenched her jaw and held her breath.” This describes perfectly the pain she’s enduring, so I’d get rid of “viciously”.

“She listened, but all she could hear was the sound of (the) gunfire. Delete (the)

“Relatively peaceful,” rather than, “peaceful, relatively.”

“In a widening pool of blood.” Rather than, “In a pool of widening blood.”

Do you see what I mean? I think if you read it out loud, you will get all these tiny aggravating typos. :)
Best,
Maria

I agree with the previous post.

your pitches suggest a film to me, and the writing is tense and up to date with the gangs etc. can see them extended into a future world. I did wonder at the setence length for young adult and some of his comments, like that to the caterpillar when he trod on it, I wondered if they weren't a little 'literary' - more your voice than his? I've got to chapter three and liking it though.

The Ember
Timothy Carstensen

Saw this in the top five of the weekly charts and decided to take a look. A dangerous secret, a city influenced by powerful gangs, intelligence agencies and a buried computer network belonging to a crime syndicate all seem like exciting ingredients for a YA novel. The computer network precept is especially relevant in today's world and I could imagine a YA audience very involved in this. Good dialogue in the first chapter which made this an active and interesting start. All the best with it - star rated and have it on my list for shelf space in due course.

timmy! hope you win whatever contest you are doing :D your a great writer...

after watching you create this for so long it's so exciting to see it all coming together! thanks for including me, i've loved helping you make your masterpiece! its so good and i know it will only get better!

SF42--I've only been able to read through chapter 6 so far, but here are my thoughts...

Plot: The plot itself is intriguing. A doctor gives up a perfectly good life with his wife and daughter in order to save a baby from becoming another human experiment...interesting. It leaves the reader with lots of questions that need answering, thus driving him/her farther along in the book.

Characters: If you're looking for a plot-driven novel, as seems to be the case (correct me if I'm wrong!), then your characters should be fine as they are, granted of course that they'll be developed farther along in the story. However, if you are looking for a character-driven novel, then you may want to consider deepening them a little. The doctor Jack is great, but how he comes across to me at this point is that he is possibly struggling with his sanity. Is that what you want? Also, who is the main character anyway? From your pitch, it would seem that it would be the boy Asher. If that's the case, you may want to move him closer to the beginning of your story.

The main thing I had trouble with was that at the beginning there were several short, semi-unrelated scenes in a row, with the POV characters getting killed or defeated. The scenes that you have at the beginning are great for backstory, but maybe save them for later? That way your reader can identify the MC right away. Personally, I thought that Jack's flashback in chapter 3 would make a great first chapter. It sets up emotion that makes the reader root for Jack in his struggle to save the infant Asher.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Keep up the good work! I'm interested to see how this turns out.

Bek Mars--author of DarkStar

this is a good sci-fi fantasy yarn...you write it well with a good flowing style. you put dialogue to good use which complements your narrative...l have backed...
read SEASONS...

Hi Timothy, Highly imaginative plot. Very creative with intriguing characters and action from the onset. Shelved and I'm looking forward to reading on. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Thank you Maria and Nick. As per your recommendation, I will be temporarily taking Ember down for a week for 'maintenance'. I'll keep track of the major changes I make in it - some parts I may completely rewrite, and most of the time will be spent in reading aloud. But I will make progress!

Dear Timothy,
Writing a book is a lot of work, isn’t it? You read it over and over, until you can’t stand to look at it one more time. I felt that way many times, still do.
You said you started “The Ember” in your early teens, and I have to compliment you on your awesome visualization of a futuristic world. Unfortunately there are no short cuts, you have to read it out loud as many times as it takes and you should, because I think you have a winner here.
There is much tension in the first chapter and a great hook at the end of it, but I found a few sentences that need some attention.

The third sentence of chapter one is well constructed, but the word “viciously” somehow doesn’t fit in.
“She clenched her jaw and held her breath.” This describes perfectly the pain she’s enduring, so I’d get rid of “viciously”.

“She listened, but all she could hear was the sound of (the) gunfire. Delete (the)

“Relatively peaceful,” rather than, “peaceful, relatively.”

“In a widening pool of blood.” Rather than, “In a pool of widening blood.”

Do you see what I mean? I think if you read it out loud, you will get all these tiny aggravating typos. :)
Best,
Maria

Hi Timothy! Just a few comments at the beginning of this read. The short pitch is ok, but doesn't necessarily scream "COOL!" to me. The longer pitch is confusing. You mention Asher, fine, but then there's this Jack that appears in the middle of a sentence. Who's Jack? The second paragraph has a really long last sentence that doesn't hook me till the end.
Now for the book... :) "the man in the shadow bod his time" - I think you mean "bade"
there another typo: "but he hadn't expected it to be instruct itself" - something's wrong here. Also "the and the bright light"
It's an exciting beginning, but I think that the tension actually suffers from the lack of "the man's" name. It's always easier to identify with an actual name than a generic type. Also, I feel that there is perhaps too much description. Don't get me wrong, it's good stuff and it's vivid, but there's a bit too much, so that I start feeling tired after reading even a few pages. I had the same problem in early drafts of my novel, by the way, so I could be extra sensitive to it. It is the prologue, after all, and should be short and sweet.
I'll definitely continue reading this a little later.