Kin of the Owl

Yna and Ytena stand back to back ready to tackle the evil that confronts them in the forest while their male companions Fox and Ergo succumb to the trickery that is imbued upon them. I certainly enjoyed chapters three and four, the pace was relentless. The illicit relationship of Ytena and Ergo, I understand the reference made about 'keeping the dignity of bloodlines.' Just as I absorbed that piece of the story, something sinister attacked them from the darkness. The festival of the leaf comes across as a grand occasion and it occured to me, that maybe it has something to do with hibernation, in a kingdom where animals and human strive for equality. Great story with great characters, contemporary and engaging educating us to respect nature.

I can't offer any advice about the way you've filtered in the diaologue, because in my opinion it does'nt interupt the flow of the story, but fits in candidly, as it should do. You obviously understand the craft of writing with regard entertainer and playwright. You dress the character, you set the scene, but whatever you do, don't allow the audience to be distracted, something you've achieved I think. My only criticism is in the beginning where the word 'Her' is repeated. For example, ' Her shadow stood in front of her. I'm not one hundred per cent sure I should be critical because I have'nt read the whole story, authomny always doesn't allow for that. Because of the human form/ owl form sub plot ,maybe 'her shadow stood in front of her' or 'her long black hair trailed behind her' makes perfect sense!

Full metal jacket of stars.
I'll W/L 'Kin of the Owl' and shelf next month.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

What an interesting idea for a story! I enjoyed your first chapter, and it flowed nicely. I will watch list you until I can come back for more. In the meantime, I am looking for some feedback on my book Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket. Best of luck to you with this!

Ashley

Amanda,
Your prose is lusciously descriptive as you paint the scenes for the reader's imagination. It's a writing style which is very appropriate for the fantasy genre which is supposed to sweep the reader away to another world inside the author's brilliant imagination. Kin of the Owl has an enthralling plot filled with suspense as the reader follows Yna, Ytena, Fox, Raven, and Ergo on their fantastic adventure.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Thank you Kenneth for your kind words. I truly appreciate the power positive feedback gives me, and the confidence to keep writing. All feed back is welcome, but thank you for this!

Amanda,
"Kin of Owl" delivers. The imagery you weave with magical threads comes to life with a vigor typical of what is real rather than what is conceived in the mind. Yna and Ytena are true Amazons who don't back down from a fight and in their own way, sympathetic characters with traits only too human. Your prose has a mesmeric quality that draws the reader right into the story. Thank you so much.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Mooderino: Thank you for your comments, I sincerely appreciate it. There is, as you say, a lot of repetition and definitely needs some work. I've worked on my own personal manuscript but as I mentioned to Amy, I'm hesitant to upload a revised draft because authonomy will take away all my backers if I do so. Be assured the pieces you have pointed out are being addressed. I sincerely appreciate this kind of feedback , because otherwise I would get nowhere. Thank you so much.

The pitch made me think of this as probably being a fable, maybe int he Neil Gaiman mould. Nothing wrong with that just letting you know how it struck me.

The first chapter is a little slow to get going. Lots of standing around taking in the scenery. Also a lot of exposition as she explains things. Not sure you really need quite so much scene setting, especially scene after scene. I'd say nothing really happens until she meets Fox, and you could have quite easily have started the story here as he mentions the thing with Raven. Puting the raven scene after this one might build the tension a little.

Then you go back to more exposition in the next scene.

Clearly you have a whole world thought out here, and the writing is good, alhtough a little flowery for my personal taste (not that that counts for much) but the emphasis you place on settling the reader into the world was a little energy sapping for me. After two chapters I felt rather worn down by the descriptions, many of which become repetitive. You have a tendency to repeat phrases in close proximity, which may be intentional for emphasis and rhythm, but if you describe every other thing as infinite and endless and eternal it starts to become meaningless.

And if she uses 'wasting my time' and he answer with 'wasting your time' and then she calls him a 'disgusting waste' and then goes on to say he'll be wasting his time, it all becomes a bit much. although it would be fine as a one off, but I noticed you doing ti a few times and it didn't quite sit right (although it might just be me not reading it as it's meant).

I would suggest reading over it though, out loud preferably, to make sure the way it sounds is the way you meant it.

I would also suggest having another look at places where she reports to people (at length), especially when she does it in consecutive scenes.I realise early on you may need to bed the reader in, but it was quite heavy going for me, especially chapter one, and I'm pretty sure a lot of it could have waited til later. A matter of personal preferene though.

Amy: I apologize because I've made you wait 2 weeks for a reply to your comment, which I very much appreciate. I have recognized the typos and some other grammatical errors in the text. Unfortunately, if I were to edit my book now, I would lose all backing on authonomy, so I have put it off. I may decide to pull it off the site all together, but until then, the errors won't be edited. I really appreciate the thorough feedback.

I realize how much the prince of leaves sounds like the prince of thieves, and no it's not a spoof. I'm pulling together a variety of different myths in order to collaborate the story. Raven represents the ever-hungry trickster that is represented in many northwestern native american myths; Fox represents the trickster oh so often warned about in Sumerian proverbs. The Prince of Leaves is a variety of characters, most notably representing the process of evolution from trickster to morally conscious being; he is, as is evident in the story, still maturing. He doesn't want to accept responsibility, but realizes at the same time that he must. He rejects duty and then regrets it. The idea of being "the Prince of Leaves" was to connect him with the natural element of the story, that he is also, like Yna and at one time Ytena, an in-between for the world of Man and Nature.

I wouldn't be able to create a story without critical feedback, and it is sincerely appreciated. Thank you so much!

Just read through all of the 4 chapters of Kin of the Owl that you have posted here on authonomy.

What I love:
Love the woodland characters, Fox and Raven (the tricksters) and the Owl ,
The relationship of the sisters
The two worlds and the boundary between them -
The imagery is outstanding - sounds (love the whistle that rises and falls and the foot sounds on the stones)and colors, smells and textures are all so very real - and the juxtaposition of lights to darks, hots to colds are nice
The way that fox is playing around with who he should be - young or old ...
I also love the details - the one feather - the stiching on Yna's dresses - the yellow teeth of the evil thing (terrifying) - Yna's hair after she moves from one world to another,

Nits:
A few typos - In chapter 1 : we though Fox - "thought" chapter 2: belonged her - "here"
sentences are ending with prepositions
The use of present progressive in the first paragraph may be distracting from the character
Chapter 4 - you may not want to begin that chapter with a pronoun

Suggestions:
Unless this is a spoof - the prince of leaves may sound too much like the prince of thieves - I don't know

I liked this - keep me informed as you post more of this woodland tale ~

~ a

Thank you Mr. Manning, I appreciate your kind words. There are places where I know I do need to do some editing, but I haven't yet gotten around to doing that quite yet. I'm glad the storyline makes sense and I appreciate the comment: any feedback is welcome feedback. Thank you!

Yna and Ytena stand back to back ready to tackle the evil that confronts them in the forest while their male companions Fox and Ergo succumb to the trickery that is imbued upon them. I certainly enjoyed chapters three and four, the pace was relentless. The illicit relationship of Ytena and Ergo, I understand the reference made about 'keeping the dignity of bloodlines.' Just as I absorbed that piece of the story, something sinister attacked them from the darkness. The festival of the leaf comes across as a grand occasion and it occured to me, that maybe it has something to do with hibernation, in a kingdom where animals and human strive for equality. Great story with great characters, contemporary and engaging educating us to respect nature.

I can't offer any advice about the way you've filtered in the diaologue, because in my opinion it does'nt interupt the flow of the story, but fits in candidly, as it should do. You obviously understand the craft of writing with regard entertainer and playwright. You dress the character, you set the scene, but whatever you do, don't allow the audience to be distracted, something you've achieved I think. My only criticism is in the beginning where the word 'Her' is repeated. For example, ' Her shadow stood in front of her. I'm not one hundred per cent sure I should be critical because I have'nt read the whole story, authomny always doesn't allow for that. Because of the human form/ owl form sub plot ,maybe 'her shadow stood in front of her' or 'her long black hair trailed behind her' makes perfect sense!

Full metal jacket of stars.
I'll W/L 'Kin of the Owl' and shelf next month.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.