Chasing Azrael

Okay Aiyana, read the first bit (still too long for my simple brain to handle!). It's LOADS better than what I read in the Dark Ages. The flow is much better, I'm really getting a taste of Ande as a person, and you're setting up the story with much more intrigue. *SPOILER* I didn't know James wasn't alive until you spun it in my face, which I found very good!

Only thing that bothered me is that you seem to love adverbs. They're loads of clusters of them dotted around, and it makes for someone clunky reading in places. Might be helpful just to make them all bold, so you can see how many are in which area, then decide which can go and which can stay.

The pitch is also a lot stronger and promises more intrigue than what I recall. Just one typo ('becomes').

Other than that, well done! :)

Chasing Azrael is an optimistic and remarkably accomplished fusion of genre and your pitches are exceptionally effective. There's so much here, yet without giving away the story at first sight. Impressive and very well conceived.

You write well and the book has been edited with care. I'm particularly impressed by your grasp of detail and judgement as to the optimum level that the reader can take, adding to the narration yet not delaying it.

A very strong end to chapter four and again in chapter six. Technically, this is very adroit. Your judgement of pace is good and the hooks draw the reader onward with precision, demanding continued attention to the unfolding story. The dialogue is well judged, refreshingly realistic in a novel of this nature.

You use your expertise very well, especially the exposition in chapter five, terms such as epiphysial fusion for instance, which adds so much to the scene, brings it to life.

I hadn't anticipated the sheer quality of this novel. A pleasant and rewarding read. On my shelf.
Jake

Ensorcelled. I've come across that word rarely. When I do, it's usually found in writing one could only describe as remarkable.
So what have we got here - a heady mixture, at first glance. Pandora's Box is instantly opened, with a hauntingly Bram Stokeresque introduction. Doom, the clarion call of menace, written in a quasi-journalistic style, suffusing the structure with biblical portent. Spoken in the first person, which has the elemental flaw of being restricting. Strangely, not here.
And then, a rather deft switch, to crisp, clever and occasionally subtle dialogue, entwined in the bricks and mortar of under-stated ( and consequently more impactful) prose. Sometimes, I felt the dialogue was perhaps trying to be a little to clever for its own good, and ends up a parody of subtelty - but this may be down to a combination of me being obtuse, and incapable of detecting the wicked nuances of two clever women.


So - what have we got ? Simple. I've read the first chapter of work which outdistances all else by a mile. OMG. I think, at last, we have a writer.

Kenny x

I was so impressed by diction. You have the kind of word choice and word crafting that totally intimidates me as a writer! I loved your narration and I'm personally a huge fan of Death and the reaper and all that, just like Ande. Your dialogue was fun and strong and made the characters come alive. This concept is fresh to me. I'm adding it to my shelf. Thanks so much for the enjoyable read. I'll keep you posted on my reading progress!

Hazel,

You're writing is divine. Smooth and a fun cuddle up on the couch read. You have great banter between the characters that makes them feel like the readers old friends as opposed to strangers that we just met a few minutes ago. You have the ability to not only have great dialog but also great descriptive language as well so we can see the world around Ande.

Only got through the first chapter but have shelved it because it is well written and engaging destined for the ED.

A few small things. You might want to consider splitting the chapters because there seems to be natural breaks. Also when Ande says "not the way I do it." I was so expecting a smart ass retort from Lily. It's a great set up and "did it" falls flat. Just a thought because Lily's been on her so much that a small farm animals or trapeze joke is just waiting to be made.

six stars.

good job.
Michel Prince

Nice writing. I admit that it's a genre I don't personally seek out, but I couldn't nitpick the prose the way I am so often able with other books on here. The only two things that jarred me at all probably reflect more on me than on you. One is that the name 'Ande' kept giving me pause. It's such an unusual spelling; I don't think I've ever seen it before. The other is that something almost indefinable--perhaps the 1st person POV?--made my mind instantly consider the charactes to be young, so I then had to shift my mindset once I realized they were not. Perhaps there is some sublte way you can convey their age early on? I'm going to add this book to my Really Worth Reading thread.

Ted

i read you book last night and thought i should come online tonight not only to tell you what i think of it but also to add it to my watchlist. I found it original and interesting. I also was sorry to see there arent more than 7chapters...the ending of chapter 7although similar to most thrillers was nevertheless stimulating and created further interest so that i wished there was a achapter 8.
My wishes, your book really needs to be noticed by more.
Nagwa
THE MIST and LIFE MAKES A STORY

Hazel, I've been intending to read some of your book for a while now and I'm glad I have :)

Firstly, your opening is a great hook. The line about death beginning before birth and then the subsequent uncluttered explanation is one of the best openers I've read here. I immediately felt compelled to keep reading.

I also found Ande to be an interesting character, well-rounded and likeable without being too much of an 'every woman'. She has individual characteristics and I like her personality.

The only nitpick I have is that sometimes there's an awful lot of dialogue. I love dialogue, don't get me wrong! But in the first chapter especially I found that I was skimming chunks of it, waiting for the story to move along. I think some of it could be tightened and moved around to keep the pace going.

Other than that though, I read up to chapter five and really enjoyed what I read :) you've got a great tone in this story and all the little details and sidelines really drag the reader in to this world. Good luck with this!

KT

Hazel,

This is the sort of thing I like: to stumble across and be unexpectedly drawn in to something that is written so very well. I'm always dubious when I realise a book is done in first person, as so few people (on here, at least) do it well. You are one of those few, and it didn't take long for me to recognise that. Your writing is of a very high standard, in terms of both style and technical ability. There are parts that are done in an easy, conversational manner, and then suddenly up pops a truly beautiful sentence to really polish it off. The dialogue is quick, snappy, and realistic, and the internal monologue of the main character complements that by being complex yet smooth. It was a joy to read.

I always try and find something constructive to offer, and I had to dig deep here. Even so, I found only one aspect of your writing which I can offer such comments on. It is to do with dialogue tags and the associated punctuation. In short, you often mix up when to tag and when to separate into a sentence. Basically, unless you're using 'said', 'asked', 'told' etc, it should be a separate sentence. Personally, I don't think words such as 'grinned' or 'snorted' count as manners of speech, and thus shouldn't be tags, they should be made into separate sentences. Eg:
"Blahblah." She grinned.
And to use a specific from yours:
"Hardly," my face contorted at the thought.
Should be:
"Hardly." My face contorted at the thought.

I hope that made sense, I'm not too familiar with how to describe it in the correct technical terms...

Anyway, that one issue aside, this is absolutely top quality stuff. I've been looking for something that deserves an upcoming slot on my shelf, and this is it.

D M Sharples.

"Death begins before birth." Great opening. It's a statement that leaves an impact and I like it. I really like your statements that you use for description, it has this bluntness about ugly truths in life and it adds your voice to the story. "I blinked, startled out of my morbid musings." A nice sentence that adds a little bit of humor. I really like your characters attitude, it makes me want to hate her for being so blunt and a little rude with her thinking, but at the same time draws me to her. "A single blossom had evidently decided to brave the cold." another nice sentence I am finding throughout reading. "The man has the emotional maturity of a blueberry muffin." Great humor :) I really enjoy your witty comments throughout and your dialogue is great. Overall a very interesting first chapter. If I had more time I would sit here and continue on, but I do wish you the best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Hi Hazel, just read chapter one of Chasing Azrael and enjoyed it immensely. If you want I can read some more and offer feedback. In the meantime, shelved.

Pitches.
Both are done in a tight and focused manner, giving the reader the opportunity to assess what’s to come.

Chapter One.
The opening line: Death begins before birth, at once rouses the reader’s curiosity. The whole paragraph is well done, apart from: Ducks (really) are good swimmers. There’s nothing actually wrong with the sentence, except I think the bracketed word would be better placed after “are”: Ducks are really good swimmers. In my opinion this flows better.
“I understand the metaphor, Lil. It (was) far from original.” The bracketed word, for me, mars the flow of the sentence and seems a bit overformal. Natural speech, as you know, is made up of abbreviations and since she’s not using the word “was” to emphasise a point, I would suggest changing this to: ...it’s far from being original.
I scuffed my feet in the slush (beneath them)... I don’t think you need this, where else would the slush be? I scuffed my feet in the slush, commiserating with the roses...
Description: Thus far your descriptions have been spot on, for example: ...speckling her pompom laden hat and clinging to the rainbow ear flaps. This is great; you give your reader an immediate “picture” with the tight and focused use of words.
The paragraph beginning: I was uncertain... to ...pink centred with a frosted rim, is beautifully done. The conundrum raised by it is wonderful.
Again, beautifully crafted description, giving an insight as to what the MC looks like, without actually “telling” the reader with reams of exposition: She had once described me as the walking embodiment of the collected works of Edgar Alan Poe...
Five minutes past, eight, and a half... I don’t understand this.
I caught a glimpse of Lily (rolling her eyes over his shoulder) and tried to make my smile inconspicuous (before muttering something about freezing then promptly scarpered to her own car). The first bracketed words make it sound as if she’s taken her eyes out and is rolling them on Josh’s shoulder. Suggest rejigging along the lines of: I caught a glimpse of Lily over his shoulder; she was rolling her eyes. The next lot of bracketed words don’t make clear who’s doing what, after inconspicuous smile, who did the muttering, your MC or Lily?
Typo: allowing (to) wind to... bracketed word should be “the.”
And it disturbed me than I (care) to admit. Great hook at the end, although the bracketed word should be: “cared.”

Okay Aiyana, read the first bit (still too long for my simple brain to handle!). It's LOADS better than what I read in the Dark Ages. The flow is much better, I'm really getting a taste of Ande as a person, and you're setting up the story with much more intrigue. *SPOILER* I didn't know James wasn't alive until you spun it in my face, which I found very good!

Only thing that bothered me is that you seem to love adverbs. They're loads of clusters of them dotted around, and it makes for someone clunky reading in places. Might be helpful just to make them all bold, so you can see how many are in which area, then decide which can go and which can stay.

The pitch is also a lot stronger and promises more intrigue than what I recall. Just one typo ('becomes').

Other than that, well done! :)

Chasing Azrael is an optimistic and remarkably accomplished fusion of genre and your pitches are exceptionally effective. There's so much here, yet without giving away the story at first sight. Impressive and very well conceived.

You write well and the book has been edited with care. I'm particularly impressed by your grasp of detail and judgement as to the optimum level that the reader can take, adding to the narration yet not delaying it.

A very strong end to chapter four and again in chapter six. Technically, this is very adroit. Your judgement of pace is good and the hooks draw the reader onward with precision, demanding continued attention to the unfolding story. The dialogue is well judged, refreshingly realistic in a novel of this nature.

You use your expertise very well, especially the exposition in chapter five, terms such as epiphysial fusion for instance, which adds so much to the scene, brings it to life.

I hadn't anticipated the sheer quality of this novel. A pleasant and rewarding read. On my shelf.
Jake

Aiyana,

Here's a little of what I thought of your book. Most important of all is that I enjoyed it enough to read the lot. In a sense, that's all the feedback you need: Can you keep a reader reading to the end? Yes!

The characters are richly developed and sensitively treated and there's a strong sense of still waters running deep. Like an iceberg there's a lot beneath the surface and I particularly liked the ways that Ande's reality blurred at the edges. I suspect it's a book that could stand rereading for these other meanings and subtexts. It is indeed a very dark book but also a positive one - there's hope in the darkness, even at the ending for Natalya. As you know I'm a pedant but actually I'm not minded to nitpick the unlikely nature of your policeman's investigation - the book is not a police procedural thriller and it would be daft to treat it as such. It's an original and fascinating fantasy that carries the reader along because of the detail and strength with which its central character is depicted. Whilst reading, I believed in Ande entirely. I absolutely loved the 'Hamlet'/'Macbeth' mash-up in the denouement - simply brilliant.

Beyond a certain level of technical competence (which you surely have), all opinions on storytelling and writing are subjective so what I say now is simply my own response as a reader to the text. I found the first few chapters, and chapter one in particular, very hard to follow. The language here was so flowery, for want of a better word, and the dialogue, in particular, so eliptical (not the riding metaphor - that, I got!) it was hard for me to follow the thread to pick out the details I needed to know to move on to ch2 (and this is after picking your synopsis to pieces). I read it three times before I was certain. Some of this might simply be due to presentation - paragraphing and punctuation, I mean. After about, from memory, chapter 5 the language calmed down a bit and stopped standing between me and the story. In other words the storytelling became invisible and the story became the main event. It's not simply that I'd got used to your style - I reread the beginning (again) after I'd reached the end and had the same reaction: the first chapter requires much more attention and effort than the rest of the book. You might want to consider making the style and tone more consistent across the whole (I don't know where you've got to with editing this). My personal preference would be a point midway between the two styles - enough to keep me on my toes and feeling clever (it's a very good idea to flatter a reader into feeling clever...) but not enough to leave me scratching my head.

I'm not going to give detailed feedback on specific chapters (though I can if you want it), only say this: My inner editor longed to give the whole MS. a good line edit. There are a lot of typos, mostly of the homophone variety ('feint' for 'faint'; 'peer' for 'pier', et cetera) and, since your spellchecker won't find these, you'll have to. Morever, the punctuation needs a little attention, commas around names in speech in particular. None of these matter much to the story or my enjoyment of it - it's simply a matter of presentation.

Oh, by the way, I think Desdemona's even more passive than Ophelia...

I'm happy to discuss any or all of this in detail.

Best wishes, Harriet

I love the first chapter. It was a bit long but your dialogue made it seem a lot shorter. Having good dialogue, helps. And thank God you got that. Your story flows, or should I say your dialogue flows and you have a nice eye for when to put in humor. Lily is definitely the best of all characters. She is running the show and as long as nothing happens to her we are good to go. Deserves 51/2 stars because of it’s length but I’ll round up and give you 6.

“‘s not normal. Carting. . . .” small error.

I think you need to re-work your blurb; it's not clear what to expect from the story.

The first chapter is nicely written, though; great characterisation and description. The dialogue is witty and often funny, but it's a bit too conversational; all those interruptions and ellipsis avoid the point of whatever the characters are discussing.I'd also suggest starting the opening dialogue with something more ear-catching; something that might turn a bystander's head and have them actually listen-in if they heard it in the street.

What's really fascinating is the visualisation, though; it all appears in the mind like Manga, at least to me. That's a really neat trick.I envisage my own writing as appearing like Fantasy artwork, Frazetta or Vallejo. I have no idea how well I succeed, so I'm fascinated by how you've achieved that palpable Manga quality.

Hi Aiyana...sorry I've kept you waiting for this return read.
You've created slightly quirky, but intriguing opening: The woman-to-woman pep talk interspersed with musings on death, or rather on 'him'.
Your writing skills seem equal to the task you have set yourself, but I think the final line in the para that begins, 'Death is my eternal mentor': ['...and a warming embrace his skeletal hands shall never return.'] goes just a touch too far. Any obsessive love is a difficult, touch and go subject - a word too much can turn a reader queasy - and you have a doubly difficult task due to the nature of your love object. I'd suggest you allow room for it to build rather than socking it all too us straight up.
The description (metaphor) of the single rose struggling in the snow is wonderful...as are the gargoyles and the whole snowy setting. I also like the contrast between the girly stuff and the revelation towards the end of the chapter that Ande is a doctor. (I know you say this in the Blurb but info must come from the text itself.)
Sometimes not sure what the girl-talk is alluding to. Is it just a generic situation you are creating or are the details important for the plot development? If the latter you may need to make things like the following just a little clearer: 'The look she was giving me told me that she was most definitely talking about mine.' [my what exactly? Have I missed something?] This begs the question: could the dialogue be simplified? The general tenor of it is great - you've set up this girlfriend relationship very well, plus a little exposition - which is done elegantly and sometimes intriguingly ['...consorting with the devil, and not in a good way' really grabs attention, given previous musings re: ' the arms of Death' Quite funny too. In fact a lot of this dialogue is cutting and funny, but the chapter would gain if it were trimmed of everything non-essential, allowing such lines as 'They see only time spent, life ended. I see serenity; perfection born of a realm composed of absolutes.' to really shine out.
It is a promising setup, but less weighty than the Blurb led me to expect. I'd almost like to get straight into an archaeological dig, with Ande up to her arms in the stuff she's so drawn to. Men are trite by comparison; isn't that what you wanted us to know? But we kind of need the 'not trite' to appreciate the contrast - and her inner musings are too ephemeral to accomplish this.
And speaking about 'weight' - your cover suggests the novel is pitched at a teen audience, but you have listed it as 'Lit Fiction'. Perhaps a more appropriate cover would recommend it to that readership better.
Apart from these criticisms - which are minor and hopefully helpful - this is worthy project. I really like the idea and the characters get of to a cracking start. Good luck with it.
j.marie

Umm, is that a typo? line fourteen from the bottom of chapter two, or maybe I missed something?

Lmfao, no you're not missing something, that's a typo! Thanks xx

Brooding and moody, great adult atmosphere. not a book I would have usually picked up but this one has me hooked already. The characterisation is clear and believable and the storyline so far, tense. I will pick this one up again, meantime it will go on my watchlist. Umm, is that a typo? line fourteen from the bottom of chapter two, or maybe I missed something? Well done.

regards

Cyrus

Hi-This is great! Was thoroughly entertained. Read the 1st and 3rd chapter-there was some kind of error and couldn't read chapter two, but think I figured it out. Your dialogue was funny and realistic-I laughed at several points like the blueberry muffin line for example. It takes on a serious note at the end of the third chapter. Your story is easy to follow and clear. My only criticism is there is almost too much dialogue. But I really liked and it and heavily starred it.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and The Last Degree

The first few paragraphs, really works for me. It drew me in to your story. The following dialouge threw me alittle not knowing much about the characters who were speaking with each other about sex. But it is soon rectified as your plot comes together. I wish i had more time to read this story and will keep on my WL so i can come back to it.

JJ Marro

So, finally finished reading Ana, will now comment. For those of you who haven't already figured this out, I joined her as I know Ana from another site and wanted to show support so, might be a little biased!

Pitch - good, however I think you need to get a mention of Ande's relationship with ghosts in there. You seem to have played down the 'fantasy' element quite a lot, both in the pitch and in the book itself, which I wasn't expecting given your love of fantasy. Also, you have no mention of the other aspects of the plot beyond the events with Natalya - the book is in many ways, more about Ande and how she deals with her grief and guilt over James, her changing feelings for Josh, and reaching a point where she is happy in herself and her life, something whe hasn't been since her parents died, or all through her marriage to James. You have tagged it with bipolar and depression, yet again, these are not mentioned in the pitch - James' bipolar, Ande's depression and Natalya's psychosis are the driving forces in the book, so perhaps they deserve a mention in the pitch? Otherwise, people won't know its nothing nore than another 'crime' novel involving a 'serial killer'.

The plot - very good, much deeper than I was expecting, even for you, although I do worry - and see from some comments already made - that for some it was too much for them to grasp and they haven't really 'got it'. The opening chapters I thought were very good, although I agree with some comments that you perhaps need a little more darkness in there and a little less chick babble - funny as it is. In general, I think the first, maybe four chapters, could do with a lot of tightening up in order to speed up the plot and really drag the reader in. That said, as they are I was hooked anyway. I definately saw things with Natalya going bad, although that may simply be because I know from previous conversations with you, and your pitch, that they do, so maybe a little more overshadowing? Again, I think you need to work in a lot more of her supernatural abilities. Others may like the subtlety of it, and the wondering of 'can she realy talk to ghosts or is she just a nutcase', but I think with a bit of work, this could make a really good fantasy book, and it might be easier to pitch it to publishers and agents as such.

Characters - I love Ande! She has more than a little of you in her, but that's okay, and she has a lot of 'not you' too, which is also good. She's very inteligent, which I think some people might interpret as being arrogance or being a 'know it all', I don't think she's either, she's actually very insecure, but I'm not sure how to put that across more without having to 'dumb her down' which you should NOT do. Don't be afraid to let a character be inteligent, there are far too many books out there filled with characters who are good at one thing, and suck at everything else. Not everyone is like that, it's good to come across a character who is intelectually very inteligent, good a music and art, but at the same time enjoys the simplicity of baking and cooking, is obsessed with TV shows like NCIS and finds more comfort in her pet dogs than human contact. Like I said, she's a lot like you, but that's believable, because you are actually REAL. In otherwords, anyone who thinks she isn't believable, have them come stay with you for a week, they'll soon change their mind!
Josh; adorable. I thought he was going to be a total arse when I first started reading, but as soon as I realised he was in love with Ande (which happened almost the second we actually see him in the book) I changed my mind. He is, at times, a total moron - I liked the argument they had over the pole dancing, his strop, her reactions, his insecurity about James, I thought that was very real. I also liked the fact that you didn't give them plain sailing. That said, maybe a little more tension between the two of them? Also, sex scenes - loved them :-) Not too much but at the same time a lot more than most dare to write. Very well done.
Lily - I was worried she was going to be your stereotypical lesbian, but she isn't really. I don't think you need to introduce the fact that she IS a lesbian quite so soon - that's part of the opening dialogue you could stand to lose, the reader will pick up on the fact later. I love her loyalty to Ande and her love for Ande, and have to say I was wondering if she was in love with Ande herself - It later becomes clear she definately isn't, she's just fiercely loyal to her friend, and I really LIKE that - it would have been very easy to slip in a bit of a love triangle between the three of them and I'm glad you didn't; too cliched, too predictable, not needed.
Natalya - I want to see more of her. I want to know more about her past and what made her this way. I know you are very sensitive to the subject of child abuse, and that is why you have skirted over it, however I think it could do with being a bit more 'graphic'. I had a conversation with you a while back when you were trying to figure out if Ande''s empathic abilities might extend a little further towards the psychic. As it stands, I only KNOW that Ande is empathic because you have told me so - it doesn't coem across in the novel and again, I think that's a shame. If you were going to go down the route of expanding it, perhaps Natalya would be a good way to do it - Ande could 'feel' the events of her childhood, or at least see them, and so gain a better understandng of her. It would also help explain why she empathises with her so much - Josh is confused by it, which is good, but the reader is to some extent also, because they don't know Ande's empathic.
Olivia - I thought she was a brillinat addition, brought in a just the right time, and mentioned just enough for the reader to know who she was, but not enough for it to be obvious she was going to turn up. She forces Ande to fully confront the issue of James and his family, and she also proves to be the catalyst for the final confrontation in the plot. Very VERY well done.
James - I hate him, I think he's a horrible man, but he's a very good character. You have written it so that you're not entirely sure whether or not to like him for a while, and then as you slowly find out more you begin to see what a complete bastard he was. It also puts a new view on the dynamic between Ande and Josh - you want them to get together, but you don't want Ande in another relationship like her last, so in a way you don't want them to STAY together.
Minor characters - Liam was very well done, you only saw a bit of him, but it was enough to break the monotony a little. I thought the scene at the christmas party with his girlfriend was HILARIOUS and a brilliant addition at that point to give the reader a little rest from the tension.Richard Cranium LMFAO brilliant, wish I could get away with calling my boss that! Again, just enough of him. Robert and Susan, both believable, both very well done. Is there a bit of a crush going on there? I think there might be. James and Olivia's parents - again, HILARIOUS despite the circumstances in which we meet them, I thought they were brilliantly done, and again, the conversation Ande has with her mother-in-law is pivotal to her decision, yet it seems like such a small thing.

All in all, very impressed with it. Seems to have fallen in the ratings since I was last on, I have no idea why its miles better than some of the shite on here, but I know you're not bothered about the desk. Even so, a couple of people have offered to 'return' my 'backings' so I'll send them your way :-)

Keep writing, hope the edit is going well!

Chasing Azrael
Luckily we do not have to excel at something to be able to view it critically. For e.g. I especially suck at pitches.

Short Pitch: The first thing I read: “Ande’s life is plagued by an obsession with Death”. I get why you’ve written it like this, I think – it says ‘Ande’ is a somewhat disconnected person. But, of course there is the possibility that you started thinking like that and just missed what you had done: i.e. written what some would see as an unnecessarily complex sentence for a Pitch starter. Why isn’t it: ‘Ande is obsessed with Death, … Obsessions do plague us so it’s overstating isn’t it?

Long Pitch: The same sort of thing again immediately: “is a woman”. You just don’t need ‘a woman’. If you excise this the reader loses nothing because your next sentence begins ‘Her…’ I pick on these things because it’s a ‘pitch’ – supposedly a punchy advert for the main text. So concise, expressive etc. I think yours is too long. It also raised a question for me: why is it her ‘final confrontation?’ That puzzled me and I started thinking is she going to die. I worried that the final paragraph here was designed just to shoe in the title so it tasted a little over contrived.

Chapter One: I (that’s a pun as you’ll see) don’t have any experience writing first person, but I have read here that some people find it difficult. I don’t know why they would, except I’ve seen it said that frequent repetition of the word ‘I’ is off-putting. Is it? I don’t know but you’ve got five of them in para 1. That first sentence could say ‘…Death, and my previous encounters with Him.’ See what I mean? Sorry. Your second paragraph is relentless in this regard, like hammer blows to those who are uncomfortable with it. At this point I already wonder if you should start like this. Is the book mainly going to be about Ande’s thinking about stuff? See mine starts with ‘musings’ but my character spends his time thinking, reading and the like. He only does stuff towards the end. Don’t get me wrong, I can see loveliness in the first two paras but it’s in bits, and some is absolute no-no: “as the ever persistent present propels the universe ever forwards on its path to the inevitable future.” Ouch.

I immediately like Ande – she gets pissed off with witlessness. Sharp people do.
Right, so now I’m well on in the dialogue and I notice some things.

Number one; this dialogue is fine but the character is so different from the opening paragraphs. Do you intend such a disjunction? Or are those two paras there just because that’s how you started to write it – I mean the ‘mood’ you intended for the book coming out from you first. The movement (as they call it) is in the dialogue but you give no early clue as to where it starts – they’re walking past the courtyard. Was she staring out a window? Painful as it is I think it’s time you really (really) thought about this beginning. Those two paras of mood may well fit elsewhere. Maybe even in the pitch? Sorry again.

Number two; a major edit is overdue I would guess. Having just completed a painful full text reworking I know how time consuming it is. Seems I had some bad habits left over from the day job. Years ago my supervisor told me I had ‘learnt to write jargon too well’. ‘What’, I protested. Yes look, here you write ‘blah blah de blah blah blah’ but you only need ‘blah de blah blah’. He was right. I saw it. Then cut 20% from the whole thing (still ended up 560 pages but they do don’t they). So, overwritten. How? Well it’s probably quicker if I show you what I mean, so here’s my rewrite of the para about the fountain:
‘I glanced sorrowfully at the courtyard as we passed. I would be grateful for spring, when the plants coiling round the turret on the octagonal fountain, would once more bloom. Now it felt bleak; the water frozen, the plants blackened, insipid and burdened by snow. Not like summer, green algae glittering in the sunlight beneath brightly coloured blossoms, surrounded by others on all sides.’
It’s a third shorter than yours, cuts unnecessary words, avoids repetition etc. Sorry yet again. I know, it’s just like I reached in and poked your heart. Think of me as a surgeon.

Rest of the needed edit: there are typos ‘…of which I have yet to been made aware?…’ and there are those unneeded words, as in the para about Hogwarts. ‘…quirky architecture that it was more than a little reminiscent…’ So, comma after architecture and cut ‘that it was’ and notice it makes no difference other than speeding up the read and simplifying the structure. I discovered that the word ‘that’ was my bugbear, it frequently adds nothing to the meaning. I’ve just cut 1400 of them! Academic style again.

I don’t have a problem with your length. Chapters that long (your average is 5000) ‘may’ be a problem in today’s market, people tell me, but it didn’t bother me.

Right, I finished chapter One and I must say those two first paragraphs jar with the mood throughout this chapter. So, essentially, they mislead the reader, who gets ready for a more morose sort of contemplation and then lands in an amusing sexy conversation. And one of them is lesbian oo-er. I enjoyed all that. We learn a bit about the inner life of Ande at the beginning but it’s too little too soon I think. Sorry yet again. Reminds me of my C1 and makes me worry that I didn’t get the right effect. Hope not.

Hi Hazel,
I've had this book on my w/l for a while now - glad I finally got round to looking at it. I've just read through the first chapter, and I'm impressed with your writing. My overall impression was that this story is serious, fun and interesing all in one go! And well written, and I'll read on. Highly rated Hazel, thanks for sharing.
Monicque. x

Wow.Chapter two was great. I loved the dialogue and the introduction to Natalya. It threw me for a loop when she called Ande's dog's names stupid. I wasn't expecting that at all. I really don't see how you could improve this chapter. You managed to get a lot of characterization into that dinner and her earlier discussion with Joshua. I really started to like Ande. The light hearted banter in the beginning of this chapter really set the scene for the tension at the end. I like that you had Ande storm out and then let us know why later. Oh and I loved how you foreshadowed the dogs, that had me smiling as a fellow writer. Very smooth.

Minor nit picky stuff now. The dialogue was very tight but there was a few spots were wordiness crept in. A few "thats" that are not needed.
3rd paragraph: as they pounced, trying not to laugh." Ande was trying not to laugh but some may think it was (they) the kids who were trying not to laugh. You may wish to rephrase this for the sake of clarity.

Her conversation with Joshua was great. Very natural and I actually liked the lack of physical dialogue tags in favor of the rhythmic timing of their familiar conversation. The only problem was I didn't pick up on the scene break and just kept reading: "The hug was an extra bonus." "Stop fretting you mad arse." Either a #### between these scenes or a smoother transition using setting is required.

Good job with this. I'm excited to read some more.

Poultry beard? Did I read that or make it up? Heheh. Okay, this is far too much dialogue for me. You set me up for Death and give me girly banter. I feel robbed. And who is James? The best bits are the descriptive bits. More of that please; the talk just feels like padding.

Of course, I've only read the first chapter.

Chapter 2

I would not intend to discuss minor typographical errors, punctuation and the like, which appear to be few in any case. The purpose of a review, in my very humble opinion, is to see to the guts of a story, and determine from that whether the framework is solid, whether the concepts are original, whether the ideas are innovative, whether the characters have a ring of substance.....I could go on. I'll leave punctuation problems to the twits.

There's a lot here. The chapter is long, but not obtrusively so. The character of the protagonist is being carefully constructed - during class, we see, and hear through rich dialogue, her rebellious reaction to authority, her arch sense of comedic, hardened by years of digging for the dead, and honed into the sharp, hard bitten humour usually found in tose professions inured to death. And despite this, the reader cannot help but feel this as an endearing quality.
And then, when she talks to Josh, suddenly we are confronted with her inherent fragility - despite her protestations, she will help him, which is I suspect her frailty, and her humanity.
The scene with Natalya is quite superb. The tension, so tenderly crafted, mounts ever higher through the ostensibly innocuous subject of her pet dogs. Who would have guessed ? But Miss Butler illustrates how a tension can be created by under-play, and deft subtelty. No actual insult was thrown - but yet there was a veritable avalanche.
Finally, Shakespeare. What can I say ? The finale echoes writing as dark, as brooding, as dangerous as Poe, or Lovecraft. A breath of chill sweeps through the writing, a sudden haunting draft, a harbinger of greater menace.

Very, very impressive.

Chasing Azrael,
Fiction, 1st person

Pitch, reads okay, needs to be broken into paragraphs.

Premise, Archelogist faces death. Unique and interesting.

Plot: As presented in the pitch sounds good. After reading the whole of Ch 1 (which I guess is nearly 4000 words,) I didn't see it being well supported. Please remember that this is all just my opinion and I don't know much more than anyone else, but I offer my observations in the hope that it helps.

POV was held cleanly in 1st person.

Pacing: IMO, it really dragged through CH 1. There wasn't much compelling stuff here. It lacked substance and too much light, meaningless dialog for the reader to wade through.

Characters: There isn't any emotional connection within the first Chapter. I think this is because the MC has no clearly stated goal, no immediate conflict. There is a ton of dialog which offers nothing to drive the plot forward. Nothing happens and the character doesn't react viserally to anything. Chit chat is amusing to some degree. It is too much and my eyes glazed over. Who is the character, what does she want (goal), what is stopping her from getting what she wants (conflict) and how is she going to resolve it? Each scene has to have these elements to drive the plot forward.

Mechanics, for the most part as far as I noticed, were fine.

The length of the MS 102K words is fine for a Novel. But IMO, the MS would benefit from considerable trimming and a general rework of the first Chapter. It is imparative that Ch 1 engage the reader. Streamline it a little. Get the story moving along. Interject the chit-chat stuff later if it has any reason to be in the book.

I hope this helps.
Raechel
Echo

Brutal Honest Group review. This is both amusing and exciting - a good combination. I read to 6 and then backed it. I think it really gets into its stride by Ch 5 but that's not to say I didn't enjoy the bulk of the early chapters. There are descriptive touches which I relished, such as the sight of one boot and the other much higher up which gave an immediate picture of the stance and, by implication, the character.

There are odd typos such as peer for pier but I won't be boring.

things to work on include making sure that Natalya is really believable - just as important after death as before because the following action depends on her credibility or others' belief in it.

Also, consider compressing the first two chapters into one. I found the lengthy dialogue in Ch 1 too much and I didn't think it was justified re- informing us or enlightening us in an essential way. Your writing isn't quite as tight and sharp in these first two chapters as later on.

It's a good read, well worth backing and I hope it does well.

Lara
GOOD FOR HIM

I have to agree on Sam with the cuts. Too long winded. And if you get rid of the first two paragraphs the flow is better. This paragraph: "I would have thought..." tighten up, don't tell about the coming of spring, summer. Stay in the now.
Dialog is fine. I could follow. The snowy door could be used as a prop for comedy. Not sure about the campus,slowed the action down. The scene with the guy is good. I liked the fact that you touched on the part about her seeing something but, is distracted by Josh.
And lastly, less is more, leave the reader to ponder. And lastly THING about what the first chapter tells about each character. Don't reveal your hand to quickly.

Warning: you are about to be critted by the Vice Captain of the Alliance of Worldbuilders. The guns are out- no holding back!

...don't forget I'm just one person (in a position of power :P) and what I say is yours to play with however you like.

Pitch- well written and captivating but break into paragraphs! It's hard to read.

CHAPTER ONE

First line- great! The last bit did come off as a bit longed winded to me but I am a YA junkie and am used to a simpler and more abbreviated vocab, so (in the immortal words of Marik from Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged Series) IGNORE ME! :)

The third paragraph could be broken up a bit- it's a bit heavy for me. The style is also a little bit too purplish for me (it's not full on purple prose by any stretch, but it's too long winded). Again, see above regarding my YA background.

The interruption needs better punctuation at the start, because otherwise it read (to me) a bit jumbled:

"Ande." She (or a name?) pushed her nose towards my own...'

'startled'- drop ever word after this as you're just repeating what we already know.

'she pointed at me in admonishment'- you're getting purple here :P

I have to say I'm a bit lost in this early bit. Lots of dialogue, but after the musings monologue I'm getting no further insight from Ande, or any more world building (in the sense of where she is in relation to her surroundings). Would like to be grounded a little more in the scene.

The sex line- I'm sure it's funny but...huh? The dialogue has no context for me (I have no idea what kind of person Lily is and not really much on Ande, either), so it's just flowing over as random words. I need some more character insight to really appreciate what they're saying.

'meandering...trudging doggedly...snowy paths...' getting a bit convoluted again. I'm finding some of your lines very hard to read! Might want to consider getting the hedge shears out and snipping the excess.

The break in dialogue after 'What about Josh' was a little random, and disrupted the flow. The break needs to come earlier, and it needs some character thoughts. I want to know what Ande's thinking/feeling, in opposition to what she's saying to Lily. Give me some gestures- that tells a lot about a person, some commentary on what's going on, some description of where they are. And refer to the cold some more- you've told me it's snowing, so what? Ice on the campus? Their feet crunching on the snow? The flakes in their eyes? The wind? The clouds? Paint a picture for me, describe the campus. But more importantly, what's Ande's reaction to it? She said at the start the cold reminded her of death. And? Does she PREFER the campus in winter because of that? Does she despise the spring? RELATE what Ande is seeing/doing to her thoughts, her reactions, her behaviour. Give me a taste of what she's like as a person.

Ah...I see there's a little of the above with the courtyard. Oops! But it's too late for me as at the start you didn't ground where we were very firmly. More of this earlier, please!

Right...the rest seems to be piles and piles of dialogue, but because you haven't got me interested in the characters I am struggling to read on. It's all washing over me. I'm also asking myself 'what is the point of this scene'? I'm not learning anything plot related. It's chit chat...not driving anything forward. So there's a guy named Josh- why should I care? Why should I care about Ande at all? She's walking in a campus with a friend talking about everyday stuff. Perfectly acceptable as a way to start. But it's telling me NOTHING! I don't know what Ande's like, what Lily's like, what the university is like, the setting, or anything much! the conversation is jumping around random topics.

What I would suggest is giving them a central topic to talk about which gets side tracked (for example when they pass Josh). that would give this scene a direction to go in, and keep the momentum. Otherwise it's just too choppy, and it's not compelling me to read on at all. Else have Ande's thoughts pre-occupied- she can't stop thinking of Death because of the snow?

You've got the potential for a great character voice- I'd recommend Lisa Wiedmeier's Cheyenne book (our very own Ice Queen). Hers is in a very different vein but see how the MC's voice comes across. AFEsmithe's Dawn Rising also has a good character voice. They might help a little in honing yours down. It's there, but currently spread too thinly for me to appreciate it.

Okay, shoot-out is over! Remember this is all opinion, you're not obliged to agree with any of it, but these are the things that stick out to me the most.

Good luck and all the best

Sam241

What a difference after the Indiana Jones trilogy to cut ones teeth in real archaelogy once the story started moving forward. My firm belief that I was reading something more in common with my local bingo hall soon evaporated when the deeper, and much more complex aspects of the characters emerged. From then on I was hooked and reading Chasing Azrael became a real pleasure.

Backed as soon as I have room on my shelf.
Full metal jacket of stars.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility

Yep. It all works and it resolves well.

Nuff said.

A few more notes, if you want me to do the rest of it I can come back once I've looked at a few other books.

Chapter 10

. . . particularly intangible (intransigent?) hair . . . And argh is usually spelt with an 'h'.

I sat dawn (down) in her place . . .

. . . several laps of the lenghtily (lengthy) bookcase . . .

. . . although she had scalded (scolded) me . . .

Peer/pier again - last para.

Aiyana chp 3

What are the aspects of the graveyard scene that you think need looking at/adding too?

1, tighten up, and look at for clarity. It seem as if a few pieces/sentences are missing, (my opinion only, it is you story and you have to decide what is best.)

At the start, maybe, when walking up the hill, she is starting the conversation in her mind. Use Italics for this,

“This might be interesting, I have never brought anyone to visit James before, James…I’ve brought…”

They sharing of the alcohol was a brilliant touch, It took me a awhile to catch on, old age I guess, sometimes I get it and other times—over my head. And the dogs would have done something, sometimes when writing you get caught up in the moment and often overlook tiny reminders, but that’s what were here for: to point out possible problems for you to consider and think about. Maybe the dogs spotting a rabbit and all giving chase could free up the moment too. I just want you to THINK ABOUT IT.

You can do better with a few short sentences, new idea, what would happen if you shorten the sentences to make the reading faster, hard hitting to increase the flow and suspense. I know you loved the scene, put your passion into it and, make us feel what she was feeling.

You could put the scene up on the thread to get others to comment too. Just a few paragraphs!Similarly, what was confusing about the conversation between Ande and James?

I did not catch onto the fact, (my opinion only) that it was all in her mind. Italics might clean up. When I read the second time it clicked, but I brought it up because of that reason. I hope this helps and if you want to discuss more: I will listen, when you redo let me know and I will read again.

A suggestion: When he comes back to sit near her, a quick glimpse at her legs and smiles “The tea pot is like me when I look at her.” He thought. Adding more tension. And the laundry room too. Maybe the thought of her VW and a bump makes her fold into his arms. I just thought it was too drawn out and that is why I said something.

I wrote on memory, and had an idea it was going to be used later, but forgot to add. Therefore, I am sorry, but, you did respond and I got you to THINK, so mission accomplished.

Chasing Azrael by Hazel Butler chapter 3

These are my comments only and please feel free to ignore. Opening describes the tea/coffee house fine, the appearance of the flower person was interesting. The detail was right, not to much, just right. An easy read and interesting.
We learned about the history between these three people but, when the two are in her house, not sure about the laundry scene; kind of dragged the story down. I liked the name for the kettle. We learned more of the history. When the VW was damaged (look at) the emotion and anger did not really show. But if your intent was to show she was always cool and calm in intense situations, then good job.

I was a little confused when they went up to the grave. You need to look at and add some more pieces. This was the only bump I read. The conversation between her and dead husband could be made more clear. You can do better. Now, the ending was confusing too. You forgot that the two have FOUR dogs running around. So why weren’t they alerting the two of another person. Look at and think, you will get it.
The chapter was long and might need to tighten some parts. And it was a pleasure to read, if you want me to look at any others, let me know.

Rich W
Aracelis

Chasing Azrael crit:

http://www.authonomy.com/books/33681/chasing-azrael/read-book/#chapter


This is a well-crafted and entertaining piece of work: hats off (I had to find my hat and put it on for that, as I'm typing this indoors). The thread of humour running throughout leavens a dark theme without appearing incongruous. There is a solidity of plot and character which distinguishes Chasing Azrael, and enough 'difference' to the personae to give them a unique appeal without any of it feeling gimmicky.

I like the way in which the theme develops, I think it is built in a natural seeming way, from hints and allusions and an elliptic use of language that I find far more congenial (if that is the right word for such gothic matter) than blunter prose that lays it out on a slab. This shone, for me. The reactions, the doubts, the suspicions, all worked well. When it gets going good and proper it has more weight, because the imagination has been engaged, on behalf of the characters.

Taste. Well, I thought the narrative sections in the opening a little over-written, though the good dialogue does compensate. The voice was not one that I would find myself in sympathy with as easily or immediately as some, though it seemed to change as I got further into the book. I imagine this is because a lot of time and effort has been expended on the opening scenes . . . It felt as if you were trying too hard to make an impression. One reason why I had a look and put it aside, before returning to it?

The dialogue and characterisation were good enough to pull me along, once I had got into the second half of the first chapter, but if I had picked this up in a bookshop or a library, I doubt if I would have gotten this far. Thing is, I know enough about you from Authonomy that I wasn't going to not read this. The narrative voice does settle as the book goes along, and I wonder if it might not be better to 'explore' your voice once you have lured the reader in. 'Come into my parlour . . .'

By the end of chapter 3, however, I knew I was going to read the whole book, partly because I felt it is less over-written, partly because the strengths of the writing overwhelmed any qualms I may have had.

Reading on a screen is harder work than from a book, and I found the chapter lengths a little long. I don't know if this would be the case if this were in book form, it is something to be aware of, though. Your chapter breaks do happen at natural times, but they might be subdivided to good effect. Fickle things that we are, we get a feeling of achievement and gratification from reaching the end of a chapter, you could give us more of these little fillips.

The interplay between Ande and Lily is very believable and well 'observed', with consistent, amusing, and interesting characters being displayed through the dialogue. James is more of a butt than an archer, but again the banter and the more serious talks have an air of verisimilitude that is seldom equalled.

The quotes work (I assume Jay boned up on his Austen beforehand) certainly for me, but I have several of Jane's books. There may be people out there who don't like her, but do we care?

Some people know about the 'police procedural' stuff - I don't, but as fiction it worked for me.


Specific notes (I will be quite picky because it's well written, but I won't reiterate afesmith's point about punctuation after speech - except accidentally):

Chapter 1

. . . crow's feet crept out of her baby blue eyes. I wasn't entirely convinced by the phrasing here.

" . . . of which I have yet to been (be?) made aware? a little awkward and convoluted, but I guess it is character voice, so not susceptible to correction . . .

The paragraph starting "You sound just like a tigercub . . ." I felt would be better as two paragraphs, the second starting with: "I told you . . . "

"Perhaps, but did you know(,?) what I meant?"

While I(,?) was bored. - Ellipsis here instead?

. . . scratting at his poultry (paltry?) beard . . .

. . . stacked them is (in) a rather Pisa-like manner . . .

"Lily, I'm - " second quote marks are back to front.

. . . and it disturbed me more than I care to admit. - Is the change of tense her deliberate? It gave me pause, 'cared' would be a smoother read, I think.

Chapter 2

. . . but now at least attempting to get the philangees (phalanges?) right.

"It means she's a balmcake (barmcake)." Oh, and the quote marks are back to front.

Very good dialogue here.

. . . 'Simples', merekat (meerkat) style . . .

. . . three and a half inch heels and no grip in (is) . . .

Good quote, though I am in two minds about Hamlet, largely because I don't think I have seen a performance that 'gets' the play. They miss the dark humour. The meaning seemed unambiguously threatening to me. Nicely done.

Chapter 3

We took our daily walk to the peer . . . (pier)

. . . far too intent on her desert (dessert) . . .

Blodeuwedd, one of the few names where a u is followed by a w . . .

. . .interspersed with curling pincers of greenary . . . (greenery)

I ignored his affront. - What affront? He is affronted . .

It was late enough that the campus wasn't teaming . . . (teeming)

Great incident with the clothes.

I stumbled a little over Bryse Point, and wondered if it was a typo for Bryce Point, as I have never come across the name Bryse. Even though it is a fictional location. Doh. Aren't brains weird?

. . . sorted according (to?) the temperature and colour.

"It's fine."
Paragraph
I settled back on my feet . . .

. . . from (for?) a man with his waistline.

around 1AM? Worth checking correct usage here . . .

. . . being polled (poled) along at our leisure . . .

. . . a Guinness tucan (toucan) stitched across the other . . .

He peered down his lengthily (lengthy) legs . . .

Peer/pier again.

. . . you even took her there, you remember,(?) The bean bag under your desk . . . - Possibly a ? after 'whenever I walked in' as well.

One of the lightly (lights?) must have been reflecting of its rotating course . . .

I find it makes easier reading if you have a paragraph break when you go from character to character:
"I know."
He returned my smirk.
"What's with the whisky? You keep that in your office too?"
He nodded.
It is less ambiguous.

"See that bro? She's still out(-)drinking the pair of us."

Chapter 4

. . . I would not brandish (brand) her a liar.

"Aren't we all?" A faint smile.

" . . . I didn't even know Jay was there until I saw his care (car) . . ."

hyphenate pain-killers?

Chapter 5

. . . the general populous (populace) . . .

. . . not been sleeping well, but the (then) neither had I.

Was this his furry (fury) at me . . .

I liked 'squirly' as a neologism, but wondered if you meant squirrely?

. . . the section of wall shared by both have (had) been knocked through.

. . . an odd contrast to our perspective (respective) heights.

. . . steel toecaps on sand hand (had) not been such a good idea . . .

Just another soul, song (long) since dead . . .

. . . maybe expand the courses I tought (taught) . . .

. . . and the insipid blanket beech. - Beach? I wasn't quite sure what blanket signified here.

Notebooks are moleskine, with an extra 'e', fabric is moleskin . . .

. . . as her superior speedily jumped too (to) it.

I (A) brown paper bag appeared before me.

. . . the turn of events that had lead (led) my beloved dogs . . .

I wondered if I shared is (his) wisdom . . .

I'm happy that god has a lower case g, some people, though . . .

Why were Josh an (and) Lily lying for you?

"That isn't here (her) name."

" . . . not matter what you have done." - Needs rephrasing - looks like an editing artefact.

He asked is (if) Josh could come.

Very good scene when Josh tells Ande she was a chattel.

Chapter 6 (and 7 - oops)

. . . in a pile of dogs that had spend (spent) the night . . .

. . . snuggled in a obersized (oversized) towelling dressing gown . . .

She had spent some considerably (considerable) time . . .

. . . the bobbing heads of the others as the (they) eagerly . . .

I wasn't sure about 'caveated'.

" . . . Perhaps these offences might have be (been) overlooked . . ."

". . . She was so very vein (vain)."

I suppose I had almost forgotten then (they) had actually been intimate.

. . . was quite evident of the fact. - was evidence of the fact.

Great switcheroo with the teeth, the ring, the fiancee. (The ring is a good detail).

He (had?) just found out a woman with whom he was intimate . . .

He's (He) couldn't possibly have been okay.

"My legs fell asleep."
(Paragraph)
I glanced al Lily.

. . .she'd have oaks (oats) and chocolate in her soon enough.

Chapter 8

which was odd; (a colon here, I think) macaroni cheese . . .

. . . Olivia had turned up on the door step (doorstep) . . .

. . . gasps coming loader (louder?) and loader ditto . . .

Chapter 9

populous / populace again.

. . . as if he were about to have some kind of aneurism (aneurysm).

. . . criss-crossed by feint (faint) green lines . . .

. . . the rows and rows on (of) identical houses . . .

. . . he wobbled down the peer (pier) . . .

. . . because the prospect of another victim that irked him . . . - you can dispense with either 'because' or 'that'.

OK, this is good. Beautiful descriptions, realistic conversation, clean prose. What follows is all I can find to be picky about – not much but I have to live up to the principles of the Alliance :-)

For me the third para comes in too abruptly. I mean, in a way it works, because it mirrors Ande’s abrupt return from her own thoughts to the real world. But using ‘she’ instead of Lily for the first line of dialogue, before I know where we are or who is talking or anything at all, feels like a step too far – because I don’t even know that there is a ‘she’ yet. I’d probably put an extra line break after the first two paras – although they’re theoretically Ande’s musings, they’re also a kind of prologue – and I’d use Lily’s name up front.

I’d also maybe work in the fact that they’re outside sooner, albeit subtly. For some reason I imagined the conversation taking place over a mug of coffee whilst gazing out of the window – probably because Lily pushes her face into Ande’s, which gives the impression that they are face to face – so it might be worth making it clear right from the start, to avoid that abrupt change of image in the reader’s mind.

You might want to take another look at punctuation around dialogue. Unless what follows the dialogue is a speech attributor, you want a full stop not a comma. So e.g.
“I prefer the hat to that Victorian monstrosity.” She grimaced at the black lacing …
or
“Hardly.” I felt my face contort at the thought …

“Is vocabulary in some way preclusive to being considered attractive?” – love it :-)

‘scratting at his poultry beard’ – not sure I get this. ‘Scratting’ I could just about accept as an alternative to ‘scratching’. But ‘poultry beard’ … I think you may mean paltry, unless you’re suggesting that it’s all tufty and feathery like a chicken?

Haha, like the description of the car as a squashed pint of Guinness.

Having reached the end of the first chapter, I’m not exactly sure how Ande’s obsessive ‘relationship’ with Death fits into the narrative – by the time I reached the scene with James, I’d almost forgotten that aspect of the story (since Ande’s relationship concerns seem all too realistic) and so ‘the shadowy figure of Azrael’ felt a little out of place. I’d be inclined to work in a bit more explanation of what Ande actually does, in amongst all the angst, so that her obsession begins to take on context and meaning right from the start. All I have to go on so far is the dead stuff in boxes, and for all I know that was a joke on her part. But I don’t think it would take much to tie it together … and maybe I just missed something as a result of reading online.

That’s all on the first chapter – told you it wasn’t much, and it’s all very minor. If you have time to return the crit I’d be grateful, and happy to carry on with a chapter-by-chapter swap if you like :-)

Chasing Azrael is a fascinating piece of literature. It’s beautiful on a lot of different levels. The story itself is very character driven. It’s practically literary fiction, but it’s also much more action-packed than most titles that call that genre home. What to call it? A cozy Literary Fiction/horror/mystery perhaps?

Author Hazel Butler has created a fascinating character in the form of Ande Tilbrook. She’s an archaeologist who is obsessed with death to the point of having a personal relationship with it. That alone would be enough interest to gain readers. It’s obvious that the author has done a lot of research on both subjects, which helps to build the plot with descriptive and entertaining language. Even the word choices seem carefully crafted, and as a reader it’s easy to appreciate.

Then the plot really shoots up a notch (and I did not see this coming) when odd things begin to happen. Women start getting murdered, their bodies displayed in increasingly creepy and disturbing ways. You are left wondering what the heck is going on. I even started to suspect that our death-loving archaeologist might be part of the problem. I found myself turning pages very quickly in a quest to find out what happened. In short, I was hooked.

I think Chasing Azrael is a fine book. There might be some trouble figuring out how to market it given that it seems to straddle several genres. But with the right plan behind it in that sense, it could grab a lot of readers who will fall in love and start chasing Azrael themselves.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Ensorcelled. I've come across that word rarely. When I do, it's usually found in writing one could only describe as remarkable.
So what have we got here - a heady mixture, at first glance. Pandora's Box is instantly opened, with a hauntingly Bram Stokeresque introduction. Doom, the clarion call of menace, written in a quasi-journalistic style, suffusing the structure with biblical portent. Spoken in the first person, which has the elemental flaw of being restricting. Strangely, not here.
And then, a rather deft switch, to crisp, clever and occasionally subtle dialogue, entwined in the bricks and mortar of under-stated ( and consequently more impactful) prose. Sometimes, I felt the dialogue was perhaps trying to be a little to clever for its own good, and ends up a parody of subtelty - but this may be down to a combination of me being obtuse, and incapable of detecting the wicked nuances of two clever women.


So - what have we got ? Simple. I've read the first chapter of work which outdistances all else by a mile. OMG. I think, at last, we have a writer.

Kenny x

I was so impressed by diction. You have the kind of word choice and word crafting that totally intimidates me as a writer! I loved your narration and I'm personally a huge fan of Death and the reaper and all that, just like Ande. Your dialogue was fun and strong and made the characters come alive. This concept is fresh to me. I'm adding it to my shelf. Thanks so much for the enjoyable read. I'll keep you posted on my reading progress!

Loved the first chapter. I'm happy to place you on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
Rick60

Long first chapter but did like it. I have rated and put on WL.
Always J

Hazel,

You're writing is divine. Smooth and a fun cuddle up on the couch read. You have great banter between the characters that makes them feel like the readers old friends as opposed to strangers that we just met a few minutes ago. You have the ability to not only have great dialog but also great descriptive language as well so we can see the world around Ande.

Only got through the first chapter but have shelved it because it is well written and engaging destined for the ED.

A few small things. You might want to consider splitting the chapters because there seems to be natural breaks. Also when Ande says "not the way I do it." I was so expecting a smart ass retort from Lily. It's a great set up and "did it" falls flat. Just a thought because Lily's been on her so much that a small farm animals or trapeze joke is just waiting to be made.

six stars.

good job.
Michel Prince

Hi Your pitch indicate you have interesting plot. Soon I will read your book. Ajay

Hi Hazel!

I'm surprised you have time to write a novel at the same time as completing a PhD. I do hope you don’t overstretch yourself.

I haven’t got time to give your book an indepth read right now, so I won’t kid you about that. However, I thought I’d drop you a line so you know I at least glanced through the opening chapter and found the characters, plot and premise all interesting.

If there’s one thing I’d really recommend you to do, it’s consider pruning your writing. Within the first few paragraphs, way too many sentences begin with the first person pronoun, ‘I,’ even for a work written in the first person. This may make the narrative a little ‘dull’ for readers, when compared to a more varied sentence construction. Also, the removal of unnecessary words would make the pace of the narrative quicker, leading to the impression of a more fast paced novel. I say these things not to discourage you, because your story is a very interesting one, but instead to encourage you to think more about your word choice and editing.

For example:

“For some reason, snowfall always compels me to contemplate Death and our many previous encounters. The next time I dance in his skeletal arms, I will not find the sensation so tremulous. My former dance partner shall be welcomed with a fondness begotten in sorrow and an embrace his cold hands cannot return.” <- in this opening paragraph, I’ve attempted to reduce the use of ‘I’ and cut down the word count without losing too much meaning.

Please don’t bother returning the read as I haven’t updated my own novel for ages and it’s really in a bad shape, lol.

All the best,

Chris :D

Wow this is impressive. Could you not have had a least one mistake in the 1st chapter to make the rest of us armatures feel better ? ? lol. I have only read ch 1 and I am honestly so impressed I can’t quite find the words. Get out there and make sure everyone here reads this book because you really deserve to go far with this. Stared and backed with pleasure.

Janny

Hazel,
You have a comedic flair both subtle and persistent. Your word choice in your descriptives is delightful and the pithy dialogue driving the pace of the story engaging. I can appreciate Ande's fascination with death, as in relics of the past, while flaunting with the idea of physical intimacy with someone live and real. Thank you so much for this entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean