Hidden in the Shadows

Great story. I enjoyed every chapter thoroughly. Wish I could read the whole story :) Suspense is sustained on every page. This is the best thriller I have read so far here on this website.

Excellently written, great storytelling. Was drawn in heavily. Already read up through chapter 3 and want to come back and read more. A great book and would recommend to all. This is something that is definately publishable material. You've really done well here. Good job. :-)

This is exactly the sort of book you need to clear your afternoon, grab a comfortable chair and indulge! Excellent - starred with 6 and shelved! Henry

Hi Daniel! Thanks for the excellent read. Hidden in the Shadows is the kind of book a like to read: cryptic, suspenseful, and hopefully, soon to be thrilling. The mysterious message is a great hook--reminds me of Harlan Coben's Tell No One, and that kept me reading throughout the night. Highly rated and watchlisted for now. I plan to keep reading. JKinkade

The strength of your dialogue leaps off the page. It carries your characterizations easily. That being the case, I wouldn't bother with the character descriptions I've seen. You've got it all, and then some (good stuff) already there.

Your dialogue also conveys something I don't associate with being dialogue-supported. Your dialogue, right away, tells us this is now. It is contemporary. With a capital C. It's cool. It's a small thing, but it really works. it's edgy, which adds to the tension/suspense.

I would work on weaving narrative and dialogue together a little more smoothly, but that's mechanics. Backed, of course, and keep on.

This is looking really good. How about breaking up your chapters? I mean, your named chapters are a good length, but you aren't using Authonomy's chapter breaks. To me, it would be a much more compfortable read that way. Less scrolling. However, your story is great. I'm putting your book on my watchlist so I can continue. I'm very curious about the message from a friend who should be dead. Fun dialogue, good pace. I'm sure I'll be shelving this before long.

Elizabeth The Made-Up Man http://www.authonomy.com/books/41698/the-made-up-man/

Read to chapter four and it's still a riveting read. Your characters are developing well as is your plot. I think it's perfect for your target audience, everyone loves a good mystery! (at least I know I do ;) ) Six stars! Best of luck to you!

God bless,
Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope and other stories

I enjoyed the first chapter. I had noticed a few errors, but I think Al caught them all :) You've got yourself a good narrative hook and your characters seem very real. Well done and I hope to read more when I can. Until then, highly rated :)

Really great read. I have enjoyed every chapter and want to read more

Who's Jack? Well done. The first chapter made me want to read on....Have given it a high rating and will try and get back for more!
Red

I read your first chapter a month ago. I read your first two chapters today.

General comments: Much improved from a month ago. The main character is still engaging, but I feel the story tension has picked up. The pacing continues to be good. And the description seems better.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "You know what your problem is Mart?" Comma after 'is.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
2) 'He read it twice before he felt the lurch in his guts, ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the lurch in his stomach so vividly the reader will experience it along with Jack. When you do this, the reader will be much more engaged with the scene.
3) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) "Nice to meet you Tom!" Comma after 'you.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases in this chapter where you address someone in dialogue and didn't offset their name or title with a comma.
2) ' ... until Jack felt physically sick." Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe his sickness so realistically the reader will experience it along with Jack. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
3) You used 'headed toward the bathroom' in two consecutive sentences. That's one too many. Consider using a different phase for one of these.

I hope this critique will help you to continue to polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a wonderful day.

Al

Great story. I enjoyed every chapter thoroughly. Wish I could read the whole story :) Suspense is sustained on every page. This is the best thriller I have read so far here on this website.

Great story. I enjoyed every chapter thoroughly. Wish I could read the whole story :) Suspense is sustained on every page. This is the best thriller I have read so far here on this website.

Hello Daniel.
'Hidden in the shadows'

Interesting pitch, as Jack fears that his past life may catch up with him.
leave on guessing as to what this secret that he carries for ten years; and something that happened
in Heldon bridge .
The first chapter shows and error sign and not available
read the next four chapters.
Enjoyed the modern touch as Jack tries to get a message on the web and has to click off because people looking over his shoulder.
The pages slowly show the tension that Jack has to endure.
this appears to b e turning out to be a very good mystery thriller, and i will read more.
Really want to know what this dark secret is

tom bye
from hugs to kisses;
mine a different genre. b ut you might you might like to have a glance at it, thanks

Hi...

It appears that authonomites are jumping on your bandwagon becauses you are rising up the rankings. When you get to the ED, don’t be too dissapointed if you’re not offered a book deal. I’ve read some very supportive and constructive reviews of other books so, if you are serious about becoming a good writer, I think you will benefit from the experience. Good luck.

Rand

Rand,

I really appreciate your critique. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I will definitely be taking your suggestions on board.
In response to some of your comments, however, you must have misread my profile as I do know how the story is going to end and I fully understand that it needs to be edited, which is why I have put so much if it on the site.
Honest comments and constructive criticism like those you have provided will support with that, especially when I come to editing. I won't begin editing until I have finished the story as I don't want to get bogged down with it whilst still writing, and you're right to say that the MS is far from finished. I do think that cutting the story to 50k for a full MS is a little drastic however, but I do imagine I will lose lots during editing.
Once again I wish to thank you for taking the time and for your honesty (and for your backing of course!)
Kind regards,
Danny

Hi,

Had a chance to read some of your book. You asked for comments, so here goes.

i.e. The “damaged” body is found “washed up on the banks of Hebden Waters” which I assume is a river.
What was the damage? How caused, if death is deemed accidental?

i.e.“His heart was beating fast. He was a single click away from revealing the message. His finger twitched above the mouse button and he jumped when a huge hand landed on his right shoulder startling him, causing the mouse cursor to slide across the screen and miss its intended target.”

In the first example, you don’t provide enough information and in the second, too much.

In the second you try to create tension but it dissipates before the end of the paragraph with unimportant description.
At the risk of insulting you, I would suggest something like “His heart beat (adjective), his finger twitched over the mouse, and a huge hand smacked his shoulder.”

Just a note - his problems navigating the website are superfluous to the story and as such, meaningless and distracting. You could delete the entire paragraph and not affect the story.

Again, I don’t wish to be insulting, but I’d advise that you take praise for your writing style “with a grain of salt”. Remember, those people think they are great writers too. Read what they write. That said, your writing does show promise but you have a lot of work to do. You do have a flair for dialogue but it can be improved and pared.
Believe me, your manuscript is not even close to “ready for publication”. No publisher will take on a 100 k plus first novel.
You say you haven’t come up with an ending yet. Well I suggest you find one soon and cut your book to 50 k. Make it sparse, fast paced and exciting. You have to find a way to make your story stand out. It can’t just be like every other crime story.

It appears that authonomites are jumping on your bandwagon becauses you are rising up the rankings. When you get to the ED, don’t be too dissapointed if you’re not offered a book deal. I’ve read some very supportive and constructive reviews of other books so, if you are serious about becoming a good writer, I think you will benefit from the experience. Good luck.

Rand

This is so well written. I laughed out loud a lot, I hope you intended this. Marty is such a funny character and the dialogue between the two friends is very natural.
I loved that in one moment I was laughing, and the next I was dragged into the suspence you've created. I'm dying to know what went on with Jack and Tom in school, and how he died.
I'm really glad I spotted you and came to read your book. I shall rate you 5 stars for now and come back to read more.

Kindest Regards :)

Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

Unlike Notsmithy, I am reviewing your book because it took me of interest. As a mother of 3 boys I understand the difficulty of getting them to read for pleasure and found that they could really relate to this story especially with all of the references to technology- which I cunningly hooked them in with!

I think that your descriptions of men in their late twenties slowly using their looks is very true to life when I see some of of the people that I know.

Chapter 2‘Fate had drawn both himself and Tom to meet alone in detention at the end of his first day of hell at Calder High School.’ I think that this could be reworded such as ‘Fate had drawn the two together during a detention at the end of his first day of hell...’ I just don’t feel that you need ‘himself’ because it’s repetition of Jack and we already know that it is him.

Underneath this line you have ‘an ball’ and it should be ‘a ball’

I think the ‘threatened death to any kid’ could be threatened death to anyone- English children don’t like being called kids (they aren’t goats) but a bully would probably refer to others using much more fragrant language.

I am just working my way through now but please let me know if I am hindering you rather than helping.

Hi Daniel,
I'm reviewing you because you're cute. lol. Trite, I know, but never let it be said that being attractive didn't help you out. Plus, it helps the absolute anonimity I have as Notsmithy.
Okay, so you have an interesting convo going in the opening but it needs to be edited down because it starts to drag. I would even in the opening edit it to, 'Jack looked up as his friend Marty sidled up to his desk.'
Definitely get rid of 'he spoke seriously. he said mischeivously. ignoring his advice' etc. We can see by the dialogue all this is happening. Overuse of these tags smacks of a novice. Yeah, I still think you're cute.
I'm kind of confused on the ages of Jack and Marty. They come across as late twenties but then I read that they're balding and pot bellied, so I can't tell. Definitely need to clear that up, probably with a little less humor about his ways along with a comment in the beginning about being too old. Playboys in their forties that screw around carelessly are more pathetic than funny.
I don't think we need the details on Old Ted yet-- if at all. If he's an integral part to your story, then tell us when we spend some time with him. Right now, it slows the pacing down.
As delightful as 'a tonic of boredom with a splash of curiosity...caused his synapse to refire', it slows the pacing down. I'd get rid of it.
I think a little less of a reaction from receiving the message. Double take? Absolutely. Lurch in his guts? I can buy it. But blurring vision, flicking retinas on what could be believed as an auto email Tom Sloane maybe had set up before he died? Basically, there could be reasons for how it reached Jack that are plausible, and anyone worth their salt would consider those reasons. It would definitely be unnerving, but it wouldn't be pass-out worthy.
Closing chapter is excellent. Definitely drives you on to the next chapter.
Okay, so overall I think you have a really good premise here and the writing is skilled. The dialogue is quick and gives the sense that this is a fast-paced story. My great-fabulous-utterly-stupendous suggestion is: EDIT.
With just about every author, a good book becomes great through editing.
I wish you the best. Cutie.

Wow, definitely 5 stars for this. Though I've only read the first couple of chapters I'm impressed by the depth of characterisation and your ear for dialogue, very intrigued to see where this is going. Backed with pleasure and best of luck for hitting the editor's desk!

Hi Danny,

Let me first thank you for backing "The Doctor of Summitville." I sincerely appreciate your much-needed support. Next I'd like to say how impressed I am with your novel, which I'm now rereading. I've finished fifteen compelling chapters, each leading me on steadily yet never quite revealing the dark secret at the heart of the tale. To meet other obligations, I had to take "Hidden" off my shelf after eight days, but will return later. It's very suspenseful, very clear and well paced, and I have no specific comments at this time, except that I've paused at a highly dramatic point--Carson James' words, "It wasn't me." Admirable! Everyone who likes mysteries should read your book.

Gratefully, Bill

hello Daniel.-
hidden in the shadows-

Read the first three chapters and then chunks more.
Finding it to be a well written mystery thriller, up to the minute dialogue that younger
adults will relate too, and enjoy.
It's an entertaining read as it rolls along in a straigh-forward style.
Liked the very eye -catching cover that brought me in to read in the first place.
Get believable and gritty as i moved on down through the later chapters'
has the making of a good quick holiday read,
good luck with it
tom bye ' from hugs to kisss'
obllige and glance at mine and star accordingly if you like it. thanks

I think this is a book I need to read. From your pitch and all the comments here it's something I'd enjoy so it's on my WL for now. And I'll be back as soon as I clear my current list. Best of luck in the meantime.

Tonia
Blue Diamonds

I've read the first two chapters and it's really good. Your descriptions are excellent and you build tension and suspense well. The one point I would like to make is that you don't really need to tell us the Marty is his "most annoying friend." We get that Marty is annoying as soon as he starts to speak. You could perhaps imply Jack's annoyance by having him roll his eyes or something similar on Marty's approach. Just a thought. Good luck with it. I will stop back soon. :-)

Excellently written, great storytelling. Was drawn in heavily. Already read up through chapter 3 and want to come back and read more. A great book and would recommend to all. This is something that is definately publishable material. You've really done well here. Good job. :-)

Daniel, This is a well written fluid read. I've read through chapter 6 and would have kept reading if time allowed. I have star rated and will finish reading in the next few days. Nice work.

Five chapters into "Hidden in the Shadows," Daniel, I'll pause to mention how your novel has captured my attention and pulled me on. The characters are sharply drawn, and the fear evoked by the creepy message on Jack's screen is palpable. Meanwhile, we have Alan, the detective, on the verge of gleaning relevant information from the catatonic Norma . . . Well, this packs enough tension to keep me up all night.

Rather than point out more scenes that impress me (and there are many), I'd like to make a couple of helpful suggestions. To clarify who's speaking (Chapter 1), move the quotes "You know what your problem is? . . ." and "How are you ever going to find the right girl?" into the previous paragraphs, which identify the speakers. And one more thought: The discussion about Jack's colleague's previous infection seems excessive, not only passing from amusing to unpleasant but being out of keeping with the story at large. Just something to consider. All other thoughts and action seem entirely apt.

I look forward to placing your novel on my shelf as soon as i can comfortably clear a space.

Meanwhile, I hope you'll take a look at "The Doctor of Summitville," my historical novel about a young doctor who find himself in deep trouble for trying to rescue an abused girl. It's a love story that hinges on medical practice of the era, around 1930. I'd value your opinion as to the balance of love and medicine in the overall work.

Best of luck with your haunting, intriguing mystery, Bill

This is exactly the sort of book you need to clear your afternoon, grab a comfortable chair and indulge! Excellent - starred with 6 and shelved! Henry

Hi Danny, have just finished reading chapter ten and must say that I really love your work! Only wish I could sit down and read the whole book, you have me totally hooked! I really liked Marty from the beginning but am intrigued by chapter 8 which delves into his character a little more. Well done and cannot wait to read more.

Beautifully written!!! Starred and on my WL!

Recently made changes to Chapter 2, i would be very interested to hear what you all think? Danny

Scotty,

Thanks for the suggestions. I have been considering including more about the setting and location earlier in the story and will therefore look at editing a few chapters to make this clearer to the reader. The story is located in and around a small Yorkshire village, I do hope this will become clearer during the revised chapters.
I will message you when they, and new chapters, become available. Thank you for your comments, as always, they have been very constructive and your backing means a lot. Cheers!

Danny

Id suggest setting a location and nailing it early on so the reader can imagine the place and have somewhere to place the characters and plot.... On the whole great work, Hurry up and upload more.
Scotty

Hi Lauri,
Thank you for your suggestions. I am looking at revising chapter 2 and hoping to 're-up' the changes by the end of the week. I hope you can look over the revisions and offer your opinion?
Your comments have been very helpful.
Thanks again!
Danny

Danny, I read two chapters and enjoyed the first immensely. The second one has promise, but the info dump in the middle almost lost me. I am interested enough to read chapter three, but consider revising chapter two to break up the huge amount of information....

Danny, I read two chapters and enjoyed the first immensely. The second one has promise, but the info dump in the middle almost lost me. I am interested enough to read chapter three, but consider revising chapter two to break up the huge amount of information. It would be better to reveal the gang history and stuff a litlte at a time. Following, you lapse into long descriptions of the past or the characters' thoughts that desperately cry for some action or dialogue to break it up. When you're doing dialogue, it's great, but the inner narrative stuff really needs some management. I think you've got a good story here. I want to know how it ends. But it does need work! Lauri

Danny,
Just read your book now and im loving it! Stayed up to finish it as I couldnt stop reading it! Just a quick point with regards to location as I feel this is rather vague in this story. At the begining you used words like "rubbish" then latter "trash" and "sidewalk" which seem to confuse whether this book is set in the UK or US. Id suggest setting a location and nailing it early on so the reader can imagine the place and have somewhere to place the characters and plot. Once you have done this you can confirm the dialogue to American or English text. In chapter 8 or 9 there is the only reference to location stating "they arent in America" when Jack talks about therapy? This leads to confusion with the earlier American words? I think this story is great and can work in either location but once nailed why not drive home by regualry referencing the town? Through use of the police force Alan worked for? A lot of stories do this to hammer home location. Maybe he worked for the NYPD or Merseyside's finest?

Also in chapter 7 Jack is talking to Ellie and looks into her "deep blue eyes" then in chapter 9 she has "striking green eyes." A little continuity issue thats i easy fixed :D .
On the whole great work, Hurry up and upload more.
Scotty

Thank you for your comments. I think you raise a very valid point regarding the use of adverbs in the text, and I will definitely take this on board when editing and redrafting my work. This is what is so great about the authonomy community, your suggestion is just the type of honest critique I'm sure we're all looking for. I always take constructive comments on board and will be removing the unnecessary ones during the final editing process. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kind words about the piece.

Monicque wrote: HI, i love the name Jack Vaughan. Very well done, high star rating... Almost thinking of shelving this one. You've obviously had your work critiqued a lot and it's well polished... I think the only thing holding me back from shelving this is the adverbs.. :( Sorry, I don't like them, unless they're really necessary, and I think you have a few that are distracting. Overall though, very, very well done. One of the better pieces I've seen here on authonomy.

HI, i love the name Jack Vaughan. Very well done, high star rating... Almost thinking of shelving this one. You've obviously had your work critiqued a lot and it's well polished... I think the only thing holding me back from shelving this is the adverbs.. :( Sorry, I don't like them, unless they're really necessary, and I think you have a few that are distracting. Overall though, very, very well done. One of the better pieces I've seen here on authonomy.

Hi, as warned, I am a harsh critic - and I always write constructive criticisms first. :) Just remember, I do look for things that are wrong! So, here goes:
First thing that came into my head was that it's just a little too splintered, just a bit disjointed. There are so many paragraph breaks, and while most of them fit there are just a few too many. One example being a whole new little break for 'you need to get yourself checked out'. I read it out loud a few times, because I stumbled over it.
One sentence is gramatically incorrect - as far as I can make out, anyway. 'Said Marty, a crude smirk crept across his lips'. Crude smirk creeping? And a crude smirk swept?
One last little thing, before we get to the things I liked! Geez, if that's what having a baby... the comma was missing. :) I felt the need for a pause at that point! :D

On the bright side, it is a wonderful story. It does engage the reader, and the way you end chapters is ingenious - cliffhangers are perfect, they force you to read on! So for all my pedantic comments, it was a great book! :)

Hi Daniel, I enjoyed the first capter. Sorry it took me a couple of weeks to get to it but as I told you I was busy editing my own first chapter.
I love the way you bring your characters straight into the story and the banter between them. It's comical and comfortable to read. I think this was why I felt the urge to read every word, and not skim over part of it. (I'm afraid I do have a tendancy to do that sometimes with books, even the ones I love). I appreciate there will be the odd grammar mistakes - what book hasn't got them, I know my book certainly has! It's a great story, and the way you have placed the suspense at the end of chapter one is excellent - can't wait to carry on. Junetee

The second chapter is solid. There's a pretty massive infodump toward the beginning of it where you introduce the relationship between Jack and Tom. I'd consider trimming it some or spreading it out throughout the rest of the novel if it's essential. To be honest, I skimmed a bit of it just to get to the message from Tom. Also, you're very vague about the "evil" and "dark secrets" within Tom. I know you don't want to give away too much, but I felt like it was too vague. Once I got to the message, I was hooked again, and I had no problems with the rest of the chapter. I love your writing style; it has such a great flow to it. I look forward to chapter 3.

Got up to Chapter 6 today. I loved that line about all joy seeming to be vacuumed from the room. And how insightful, the description of letting hate fill the heart until it consumed him (and then scream, shout and cry). Your structure and pace are great. Bumping the rating up to 6 now.
John B Campbell

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An interesting start. An engaging main character. This chapter could use more description. Not much tension until the last line in this chapter. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Since you can't laugh dialogue, 'laughed Jack' should be 'Jack laughed.' There is another cases of this type of problem in the chapter.
2) "You need to go get yourself checked out." Jack added. Comma after 'out.' 'Jack added' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation).
3) "Why settle for one when there's so many to sample?" Said Marty. 'Said' should be lowercase. 'Said Marty' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follow dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a person's name). There are more cases where you have capitalized the first word in a dialogue tag when it should be lowercase.
4) ' ... Jack's childhood sweetheart and girlfriend since High School.' 'High' and 'School' should be lowercase. There is another case in this chapter where you inappropriately capitalize 'high school'.
5) "I know buddy, I'm sorry." Comma after 'know.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue and didn't offset their name or title with commas.
6) ' ... surprizingly couldn't remember ever noticing Marty at any of the Country Schools track and field events.' 'Country' and 'School' should be lowercase. Also, schools (plural) should be school's (possessive).
7) 'At 2:30pm today Bedford had planned a team meeting ... ' '2:30pm' should be '2:30 p.m.'
8) 'Targets had been missed consistently now over the past 12 months.' Spell out numbers 1-99.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf.

Have a splendid day.

Al

Thank you! I've taken on board the suggested changes and I think it's definitely strengthened the prose.

Hi Daniel! Thanks for your kind words!
I provided some simple edits up to the point where Old Ted comes in-
Reading the summary, I think this could be a really interesting story- and a lot of people could relate to the human aspects of it. The reader wants to like Jack as the main character- what are his redeeming qualities?...

Hi Daniel! Thanks for your kind words!
I provided some simple edits up to the point where Old Ted comes in-
Reading the summary, I think this could be a really interesting story- and a lot of people could relate to the human aspects of it. The reader wants to like Jack as the main character- what are his redeeming qualities? Marty outshines him a bit. Anyway, I will continue on, please let me know if you do not wish me to line edit- Some people did it for my co-author and I, and we found it very helpful.
Thanks for your comment, I look forward to reading more of your book.
Jess

The first sentence is awkward: Here's a suggestion-
Jack Vaughan was sitting at his desk, mulling over a pile of useless paperwork, when he noticed Marty, his oldest and most annoying friend, sauntering across the (office description- setting input here) towards him. Marty grinned as he sidled up to Jack's desk. He dramatically clawed and scratched at his crotch, muttering just loud enough for Jack to hear, "Damn, I'm sure that girl from last night gave me something."

Back and forth conversation with out clarifying who is speaking is okay in adult books, however, some readers do find it confusing- as the author, you always know who the speaker is, but as a reader, some might find that they have to go back and re-read, which breaks flow and momentum. I like it both ways, so it's just something to consider.

I also think because it flows right into a conversation, you should include a simple physical description of Marty- maybe just three things- hair, eyes, height, weight- however you want him to look, but keep it to two or three definite things mixed with other descriptive words so the reader gets a good visual of him- Jack's description can be mixed in throughout the first and second chapters and built up with his voice-
I would use the word "ass" not "behind"- given the type of person Marty is turning out to be-

Conversation Text Edits:
"Damn,..." (comma after damn)
"A dog with fleas now, I reckon." (comma after now- where is this story taking place? would Marty say reckon?)
"...I have ever seen, and don't get" (comma after seen- don't get me started... could be its own sentence)
"And you met this young lady," Jack paused, as he raised his eyebrow and scrutinized Marty, "where exactly?"
(Input a conversation gesture where the ellipsis is)
"She sure did," Jack said, gesturing... (comma, not period after did)
Delete the sentence about Marty on the desk- too weird- would Jack be okay with that? I don't think most guys would be-
"?That's all women really want. Anyway, I didn't know you cared," (period at the end of want. capitalize Anyway- comma after cared if you use the next suggestion- period if you don't- (again here you could interject a conversation action- Marty doing something silly and adding, "Awww, that's sweet."
Omit ellipsis in next two sentences, add comma- or use a pause-
"My dick is about to fall off..." (no comma after dick)
(Semi colon after size- the end was blistered- still a part of the sentence, but could be its own)
(no ellipsis at the end of pissing glass- period)
Jack held up his hand, interrupting him, "Marty, this guy was you right?" (dialogue is a part of paragraph- Jack is speaking)
They laughed as Marty stood and adjusted his pants. (omit crotch, repeated too many times) (period at the end, start new sentence with Jack could see the discomfort...
Old is not capitalized, just the name, Father Time
comma before names- uncle, Dominic Povey- business partner, Gerry Bedford.
do not capitalize Old in Old Ted's unless that is his used, full name
(no comma after janitor)
since the death of his wife, Lena, last year, his health had slowly... (comma before and after Lena)
this sentence needs to be shortened.
less and less. It was painful to watch the proud man struggle... (period after less and less- start new sentence with It.
Use the word "Old" several times- omit repeat word
Same paragraph- Out of respect for the guy, of course Jack would go. He lowered his head, and in a quiet voice, added, "Yeah, I forgot." (comma after guy dialogue is part of same paragraph- Jack is speaking-

__________________________ Old Ted part______________________

Hi Daniel! Thanks for the excellent read. Hidden in the Shadows is the kind of book a like to read: cryptic, suspenseful, and hopefully, soon to be thrilling. The mysterious message is a great hook--reminds me of Harlan Coben's Tell No One, and that kept me reading throughout the night. Highly rated and watchlisted for now. I plan to keep reading. JKinkade

The strength of your dialogue leaps off the page. It carries your characterizations easily. That being the case, I wouldn't bother with the character descriptions I've seen. You've got it all, and then some (good stuff) already there.

Your dialogue also conveys something I don't associate with being dialogue-supported. Your dialogue, right away, tells us this is now. It is contemporary. With a capital C. It's cool. It's a small thing, but it really works. it's edgy, which adds to the tension/suspense.

I would work on weaving narrative and dialogue together a little more smoothly, but that's mechanics. Backed, of course, and keep on.

I love the banter between Jack and Marty. It was funny and well-timed. Very quickly you've given us what we need to know about these two characters and you've done so in an entertaining way. The writing is smooth, easy to follow, and strong. There are a few grammatical errors, such as misused punctuation, but nothing a little editing can't fix. The hook at the end of the first chapter is excellent. I already wanted to read more because you grabbed my attention with the opening dialogue, but the hint of mystery intrigued me even more. This is a solid beginning to a promising story. Good work so far!

All suggested changes have been made. Many thanks to everyone who has offered their opinion, advice and support so far. New Chapters 6 & 7 have been added over the last two days with much more to come!
I hope you enjoy reading. Again many thanks for all your comments - keep them coming!

Daniel,
To me, "Hidden in the Shadows" reveals a man at his prime, about to be a father for the first time, reflecting back on a dark phase of his life about to throw a damper on what he expects to be the brightest. Your easy conversational style with relevant dialogue makes your story both credible and palatable. Certainly the strength of your wordcraft is the lifeline one needs to hang on to as one tunnels deeper where the plot gets darker and more complicated. Thanks for the compelling read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

I like the premise of the story and the pacing. You get right to the suspense. Marty and Jack are fun characters. I enjoy the banter between them.

You seem to leave out periods at the end of most sentences of dialog. You need to add them.

Nice page-turner of an ending to the prologue. I’m not sure why you called it a prologue and not chapter 1.
The description of Jack’s schoolboy past is well done. It makes him a sympathetic character.

Great reaction to opening the message. That got me wondering what happened all those years ago to make Jack freak out like that.

This is well done. I'm happy to back it.

Brian
Mute

Daniel,
Rumor has it that Hidden in the Shadows is a worthwhile read. I've only had time for chapter one, but I wanted to share my impressions with you. I think the character development is good. Dialogue, good. The premise, fascinating. Four stars for the time being.
Best wishes on this.
Bea

Your early chapters are so fine that I'll happily rate your work with 5 stars for now. I am interested in discovering what this message mystery is all about.
Cheers!
John

Hi Danny,

I like the end of the first chapter intrigues me to read more. I also like the banter in the office (which I read in a scouse accent because of your bio ha ha). There is a lot of talking in the first scene with actually naming who is talking. I know it's obvious who follows who in a conversation but when I was reading it I felt like I was checking.

Anyway I'm new to this like you so please don't listen to me!

Have a good one mate.
Graeme

Daniel,
Great hook at the end of chapter one (prologue). Very believeable interchange between friends. Not sure that I would use 'mid-flow' for Jack's interruption of Marty's complaining while this complaint is about urinating--unless that's intentional. I of course mean that respectfully and in good humor. Seriously, this looks promising so far. I hope to read more soon.
Best wishes,
John B Campbell