The Heir of Hunde

Hi
your writing drew me in. Subtle touch yet lots happening. Like the easy way the story unfolds and how the characters meet; enjoyed the sense of subtle romance in the opening chapters.
Laxmi

Hi,
This is a well written piece.
You have a talent for keeping the pace moving and ensuring the reader has a vivid picture of each scene and each character.
To be taken from an horrific accident without knowing how you ended up in a restaurant would be disconcerting indeed. The saving grace being the handsome rescuer, of course.
You laid the path for the intrigue right from the get go and the first two chapters have enough hooks to keep the reader interest. I'm betting the bearded hero is kin to some kind of mythical creature or werewolf.
I see you have written quite a few books and intend on writing a sequel to this. As far as I can see, you have a gripping story here that should do well for your intended market.
Star rated and Watchlisted for now,
Cheers Jacoba

This is an incredibly well-written book. At first, it was hard to connect with Bly. Her difficult upbringing has inhibited her ability to trust, and as befitting her character, insights into her personality are doled out just a little at a time. And, so are secrets. Subtle clues are weaved in effortlessly: grandma's cryptic warnings, the paw print, the claw-like scar on the bar patron and on Adolfo himself, the way everyone in town reacts to Adolfo. I found it intriguing that each secondary character in the story reacts to Adolfo differently: the waitress is hot for him, Bly's grandmother fears him, the deputies bow to his authority. Regardless, there is an aura of mystery surrounding Adolfo. The circumstances surrounding the bus accident are suspicious in a myriad of ways, and Bly seems to be the only one questioning it. As a matter of fact, Bly seems to be the only one who truly stands up to Adolfo. At first, I had the impression that Adolfo was a great deal older than Bly, and I couldn't imagine him as a love interest, but as the tension between them increases, I can feel the chemistry. Overall, this is wonderful read- one which keeps the reader turning the pages until the very end. Thank you for sharing your work. Six stars for sure.

I'm not sure why, but I had a really hard time staying focused on this one. This doesn't necessarily reflect on the writing and may even be because I am exhausted, but I thought I'd mention it. Some writing flow can be edited, but all in all, I like the concept of the book and may buy it on amazon. I look forward to seeing book #2.

Hi
your writing drew me in. Subtle touch yet lots happening. Like the easy way the story unfolds and how the characters meet; enjoyed the sense of subtle romance in the opening chapters.
Laxmi

Thanks so much!

Hi
your writing drew me in. Subtle touch yet lots happening. Like the easy way the story unfolds and how the characters meet; enjoyed the sense of subtle romance in the opening chapters.
Laxmi

Kia Ora Sheri,

Thought I'd return the favour and offer a critique.
First of all the good and the great:
LOVE:
Your imagery and choice of similes. You describe the scenes inside and out of the bus and movement really efficiently and evocatively -it creates the tension of the chapter.
Best line: A few orange coloured streetlamps......... This was beautifully described and made me linger and savour the words.
I love the paragraph about running the finger over the logo of the greyhound -it hints at her feelings and you don't need to explain it in the next paragraph - allow some space for the reader to fill in the gaps or use the greyhound as an image -eg. maybe she sees it loping beside the bus before she goes to sleep -hint -don't explain.

Could Improve:
I feel that you tend to overexplain or 'tell' the emotions and feelings of the character so the first few paragraphs come off as a bit wordy. Try using sparer language and let the movements or images show the emotions.
eg. She stared through the window with absolutely no enthusiasm about her destination Velma, Oklahoma and even less about her future.
Maybe: She stared blankly out the window, as the bus rolled through the darkness towards her future in Velma, Oklahoma.

You tend to overuse the participle clause sentence structure when setting up in first few paragraphs -it causes a bit of a strain if it gets repetitive:
eg. "Shifting on her thin seat cushion, she....
"Fresh out of high school, she....
Overall I think this has real potential as the plot is strong and you have a real talent for describing locale and action - just need a few tweaks :)

Hope this helps,

Best
Kaal







Question:
Should it be 'snicker' or 'snigger' ?

Thanks for the in-depth feedback. I admit, grammar is my weakness (and I mean weakness as in I can't manage it well). I appreciate the ideas and will make changes. The timing is great right now anyway because the first fifty pages of the manuscript are currently being perused by Talcott-Notch. Hopefully something will come of it!

Good voice in "Was it to prevent her hair from sticking to the loads of mascara framing her large, bird-like eyes." Maybe mountains or mounds instead of loads? Sounds a little more dramatic like a teenager. Also, "She had one volume--wake the dead loud." Love it.

Love the figurative language, "with the force of a derailed train."

You write dialogue well. It has a very natural flow to it. You also did a good job of building the characters in this chapter. Nicely done.

Suggestions: I would reword the sentence "Eyelids too heavy to push open." It's a fragment and didn't read right. Some of your dialogue tags don't work for me (i.e she proclaimed). I'm in the group that says stick to said. But I know that's personal preference. There's a subtle tension in this chapter, but I wonder if you could heighten it by making Bly a bit more suspicious of Adolfo and Mary Jo. Just a thought. It would grip your reader a bit better.

Minor typos: Missing a quotation mark after The last thing I remember was the bus and... I'd move "A gruff voice called from the next room" to the next paragraph, since it isn't the woman's voice.

Chapter two was excellent. Good work!

Thanks Joshua! I am back in the country and plan to resume storytime with my kiddos. Critiques should be up soon!

Good voice in "Was it to prevent her hair from sticking to the loads of mascara framing her large, bird-like eyes." Maybe mountains or mounds instead of loads? Sounds a little more dramatic like a teenager. Also, "She had one volume--wake the dead loud." Love it.

Love the figurative language, "with the force of a derailed train."

You write dialogue well. It has a very natural flow to it. You also did a good job of building the characters in this chapter. Nicely done.

Suggestions: I would reword the sentence "Eyelids too heavy to push open." It's a fragment and didn't read right. Some of your dialogue tags don't work for me (i.e she proclaimed). I'm in the group that says stick to said. But I know that's personal preference. There's a subtle tension in this chapter, but I wonder if you could heighten it by making Bly a bit more suspicious of Adolfo and Mary Jo. Just a thought. It would grip your reader a bit better.

Minor typos: Missing a quotation mark after The last thing I remember was the bus and... I'd move "A gruff voice called from the next room" to the next paragraph, since it isn't the woman's voice.

Chapter two was excellent. Good work!

Kia Ora Sheri,

Thought I'd return the favour and offer a critique.
First of all the good and the great:
LOVE:
Your imagery and choice of similes. You describe the scenes inside and out of the bus and movement really efficiently and evocatively -it creates the tension of the chapter.
Best line: A few orange coloured streetlamps......... This was beautifully described and made me linger and savour the words.
I love the paragraph about running the finger over the logo of the greyhound -it hints at her feelings and you don't need to explain it in the next paragraph - allow some space for the reader to fill in the gaps or use the greyhound as an image -eg. maybe she sees it loping beside the bus before she goes to sleep -hint -don't explain.

Could Improve:
I feel that you tend to overexplain or 'tell' the emotions and feelings of the character so the first few paragraphs come off as a bit wordy. Try using sparer language and let the movements or images show the emotions.
eg. She stared through the window with absolutely no enthusiasm about her destination Velma, Oklahoma and even less about her future.
Maybe: She stared blankly out the window, as the bus rolled through the darkness towards her future in Velma, Oklahoma.

You tend to overuse the participle clause sentence structure when setting up in first few paragraphs -it causes a bit of a strain if it gets repetitive:
eg. "Shifting on her thin seat cushion, she....
"Fresh out of high school, she....
Overall I think this has real potential as the plot is strong and you have a real talent for describing locale and action - just need a few tweaks :)

Hope this helps,

Best
Kaal







Question:
Should it be 'snicker' or 'snigger' ?

Thanks for backing THE HEIR. How far along are you?

Hi,
This is a well written piece.
You have a talent for keeping the pace moving and ensuring the reader has a vivid picture of each scene and each character.
To be taken from an horrific accident without knowing how you ended up in a restaurant would be disconcerting indeed. The saving grace being the handsome rescuer, of course.
You laid the path for the intrigue right from the get go and the first two chapters have enough hooks to keep the reader interest. I'm betting the bearded hero is kin to some kind of mythical creature or werewolf.
I see you have written quite a few books and intend on writing a sequel to this. As far as I can see, you have a gripping story here that should do well for your intended market.
Star rated and Watchlisted for now,
Cheers Jacoba

There is some outstanding characterization in this opening chapter. We're put right into Bly's mind. She has personality, opinions, and goals, and you do an excellent job of depicting who she is. By the end of the chapter, I could write you an essay on her character. I am very impressed with how well you know her. There's also a nice subtle humor that comes with her personality (i.e. ...pulled his license out of a cracker-jack box) and I love Nana Nita's advice. Even without meeting her, I know her character as well. You have a gift for character development. Did you know that?

I was impressed with the opening scene in this. I'm not usually a fan of books that begin with little conflict, but you're an excellent writer and have done a solid job painting an internal conflict that hooked me anyway. Besides, the action at the end of the chapter came pretty quickly, and any reader who may not have been hooked, I'm sure was after what happened on the bus.

I love the detail of your descriptions. In such a simple description of the greyhound on the side of the bus, you had me enthralled with your word choice and sentence construction. I'm impressed. In fact, throughout this entire first chapter, the writing was better than most I've come across on this site.

Suggestions: There's a little bit of a disconnect between the first and second sentence in the opening chapter. When I first read this, I thought Bly Reed was her mom since she was the one who lost the ability "to drive." I think this could cleared up for the reader. I know it's difficult to work in a character description, but her staring at her reflection has become cliché and is frowned upon in the publishing world. I'd find a different way to work it in. In fact, you have the opportunity to do just that when the little girl compares her to the princess in the book. "Screams grew quiet" gives me a conflicting image. Why not just "Screams quieted?" I wouldn't say "before passing into unconsciousness" because you tell the reader the ending of the chapter without letting them get to it. I'd rewrite that or cut it.

Minor typo: "She was began to think..." "Blood-curdling" instead of "blood curdling."

In the end, I felt like this was one of the strongest beginnings for a young adult novel on this site. I can see why this did well in ABNA this year. I'm going to keep this on my watch list and hopefully find the time to keep reading because I love what I've read so far. Great work!

Not to repeat what has already been said but I love the cover! I read the first 2 chapters and can only say it is well written. I too question why Bly was not taken away to the hospital. I rated the book well and plan on returning for a further read. Good luck with your book.
Red

The Heir of Hunde by Sheri Webber

First off, your cover is really effective, its what drew me to reading the text. Quite disturbing that eye ...
Chapter one starts off with Bly making a trip out to her maternal mother's home in Oklahoma. Her mother is currently incarcerated. The chapter takes time in describing this journey. The reader is alert as to the fact Bly notices the incompetence of the driver. Then very unexpectedly the grayhound bus is involved in an accident. Something is hitting the bus but we don't know what. The accident scene is described deftly. We discover that she survives the crash and is picked up from the scene and brought to a restaurant. That was quite a twist, as like she said, why wouldn't they have rushed her to a hospital. Makes the reader wonder what Adolfo is up to.

On a sentence level, what I read was quite polished. You have a wonderful way with descriptions and like I already pointed out you succeeded in transporting the reader through the the journey. The reader also gets a good sense of how horrific the accident is.

Small correction: Chapter 2
Adolfo stood with arms crossed watching a yellow ambulance (pull NOT pulled) away from the window.

I like these --
... folded herself into a human pretzel
... loomed above the empty roadway like tangerine sentinels

I really like the way this story is shaping up. Would read more time permitting. Highly starred for now and I do wish you the best with this.
Cheers, Kari

I really enjoyed the first chapter, especially the accident scene. Worthy to be published I say.

Great job. I read through the first chapter and very much enjoyed it. Highly rated. Good hook for the 2nd chap, i will read on.. :)

This is an incredibly well-written book. At first, it was hard to connect with Bly. Her difficult upbringing has inhibited her ability to trust, and as befitting her character, insights into her personality are doled out just a little at a time. And, so are secrets. Subtle clues are weaved in effortlessly: grandma's cryptic warnings, the paw print, the claw-like scar on the bar patron and on Adolfo himself, the way everyone in town reacts to Adolfo. I found it intriguing that each secondary character in the story reacts to Adolfo differently: the waitress is hot for him, Bly's grandmother fears him, the deputies bow to his authority. Regardless, there is an aura of mystery surrounding Adolfo. The circumstances surrounding the bus accident are suspicious in a myriad of ways, and Bly seems to be the only one questioning it. As a matter of fact, Bly seems to be the only one who truly stands up to Adolfo. At first, I had the impression that Adolfo was a great deal older than Bly, and I couldn't imagine him as a love interest, but as the tension between them increases, I can feel the chemistry. Overall, this is wonderful read- one which keeps the reader turning the pages until the very end. Thank you for sharing your work. Six stars for sure.

Hi,
This is a well written piece.
You have a talent for keeping the pace moving and ensuring the reader has a vivid picture of each scene and each character.
To be taken from an horrific accident without knowing how you ended up in a restaurant would be disconcerting indeed. The saving grace being the handsome rescuer, of course.
You laid the path for the intrigue right from the get go and the first two chapters have enough hooks to keep the reader interest. I'm betting the bearded hero is kin to some kind of mythical creature or werewolf.
I see you have written quite a few books and intend on writing a sequel to this. As far as I can see, you have a gripping story here that should do well for your intended market.
Star rated and Watchlisted for now,
Cheers Jacoba

original and well told; you set it out well and give us a good, tramatic opening- 6 stars and on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...