To Slay a Dragon

I got this off the dragon thread and I love what the story. I can see this will have great appeal to a YA audience with the feisty little girl and her magic. The goal is clear and the danger apparent. If Anexia wants to kill the dragon she must learn magic, although she appears to have a grip with some of it already.

In the third paragraph of chapter one the word find is used three times. I am not sure this would be a problem for YA. I also noticed quite a bit of useage for the exclaimation point. It usually indicates shouting in narrative and maybe use it more sparingly.

I am putting this on my WL and sprinkling it with stars.

I’ve only read the first chapter, but this is a charming story; you do a good job of capturing Anexia’s thoughts.
“her long days of no sleep” sounds a little awkward. Maybe “her long days without sleep”?
“spear shaped leaves” should be, I believe, “spear-shaped leaves”
The goblin’s encounter with the wizard is quite amusing.
One thing I did have problems with is that you seem to have a lot of magical creatures appearing without forewarning. First is the wolf cub. It’s unclear if this is supposed to be just a normal wolf or not. “Sensing her chill…” I don’t think a normal wolf would care if she was cold or not. And I don’t think it would bother to be her “nocturnal guardian.” So is this some kind of special wolf-like creature? This section also left me thinking that the wolf might play a part later on, especially the part about it being her “guardian.” Or perhaps Anexia just has some sort of magical affinity with animals? If not, I would consider cutting this section.
The same with the sudden appearance of the goblins. Anexia clearly knows what they are. But I had no idea that the appearance of goblins was even a possibility(or wizards). Maybe note earlier in the chapter that she is worried not just of wild animals in the forest, but also creatures like goblins.
I guess I’m just unclear what the rules of your fantasy world are, what kind of creatures exist in it and so on. Without this kind of information it kind of feels like you have a bunch of fantastical elements just falling into this chapter.
It’s quite well-told though, in a clear and engaging style. And Anexia is a tough, smart heroine who it’s quite easy to feel sympathy for.
Best of luck with the story!

JC, this is a great read.

As I'm sure you've been told by others, Anexia is a fiesty, determined and engaging MC. Your style is light, playful, yet vividly descriptive and smart. Your writing evokes images of reading an adventure tale of old lore but your characters and the dialogue give the story a distinctly modern feel. I suppose the only criticism I can give you is that for nine years old, Anexia does at times seem to be much older than she really is. She oozes confidence, brazen determination, intuitive wisdom even...I understand that she's perhaps had to mature quickly after the horror of what happened to her parents and her village but take care not to give her too much of an adult persona at such a young age. Who is your target market? 9-12s? 13-16s? You have to be pretty clear on this...if it's 13-16s they won't want to read about a 9 year old, if it's 9-12s then I would suggest making Anexia at least 11 years old or thereabouts.
Otherwise this is a delightful read and I'm sure with a bit of polishing it has the potential to take off.
All the best,
Fyn

YARG review
Hi there
Fantasy isn't a genre I'd usually seek out but your pitches drew me in.
Anexia is an intriguing character; just nine years old and yet despite the horrendous circumstances she finds herself in she still reminds herself how lucky she is and considers herself too old to cry.
The guragewa tree is a well crafted piece of imaginative writing and sets the tone for the rest of the work you have posted.
Love the description of Kitchen that he looks as if somebody has inflated him.
Chapter 6- Not sure that you need to have 'to announce her presence' after 'she said 'when Anexia says hello to Justin.
Dragons and mysterious wolf cubs- lots to grab the target market and the dialogue flows naturally.
I wish you well with this.
Kind regards
Janet

Yarg review
Strong start with descriptions that draw a great picture.
Liked the introduction of the girl in Para 2.
Leather flapping swished past.. Good use of onomatopoeia.
Golden orbs, a great description of dragon’s eyes, piercing and evil.
Brilliant use of imagination, you paint a world that is different, yet believable.
Dialogue is just right and aids the progression of the piece, which leads you deeper and deeper into the plot.
I like the protagonist; she is fiery and strong, better for fighting this large menacing dragon. It is David versus goliath, with dragons.
Really enjoyed this and will continue to read.
Well done.

You have a strong voice and this is a great easy read. Natural dialogue and good punctuation.
I've had it on my shelf a while and finally got around to reading!
nice.

I like your characters name. It's very unique and your pitch is interesting. Your voice seems to com off right at the beginning, which is great. Your descriptions are interesting, but a little overdone. I might suggest combining the first and second paragraphs, to add a little bit of texture to how it is presented on the page. You have some great pacing and word choice, along with a great way of keeping the readers entertained. I wish you the best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

YARG!

I positively love dragons; they're the best type of paranormal if they're done correctly (like Dragonheart).

This is a fantastic example of good storytelling. I am rather bad at giving criticisms, so I won't even try with this one. =D I will definitely continue this when I've finished the other book I'm reading right now on Authonomy.com.

YARG Review:

I've read the first two chapters and I like the premise a lot. So far, Anexia is a fiery child with a mind of her own who has obviously gone through a great ordeal. The description of the mountains is very vivid. You paint a good picture for the reader.

A thought: while I understand on a superficial level as to why Anexia is so fiesty and angry, I think that flashbacks of her village being burnt to the ground would add more emotion and endear the reader to Anexia more. Right now, without the reader seeing what she saw and feeling what she felt, she comes across as slightly bratty.

I'm interested in where you're going with the wolf pup and I want to know more about Tsynon (his name is kind of hard to pronounce. Is the "T" silent?). He is a mysterious character. I do wonder because of his personality, just how powerful of a wizard he is. But perhaps his easy going nature is a way to hide how powerful he is.

Very interesting. I will add it to my watch list and come back for more later.

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

I've only read the first chapter, but I can honestly say that the story is well written and engaging. I'm giving you 6 stars. I hope this goes somewhere and I'm strongly considering coming back to read the next chapter.

I like it! A good start, I want to know what happens next, and so will have to read on! :)

I'll be adding you to my watch list for certain.

I found To Slay a Dragon to be an attention grabbing story. I like how Anexia is obssessed with dragons and the people around her find it charming. Makes me wonder what they would think if they knew why she wanted to know so much about dragons. Its amazing the effect she has on people. I don't know if you meant to do this, but her fiesty attitude seems to both amuse those around her and draw them to her. I like that.
This is a promising story and I'm going to back it.
I rate it five stars.
-Charmain

Oops *blushes furiously* I read your MC's name as anorexia! :D

I am completely drawn in. The only suggestion I have is change chill in the first sentence to chilly. I am going to back you, and put you on my watch list..
Please take a moment and check out Savage Tomahawk. Let me know what you think.
Have a great day and Happy writing!
T.J. Martin

TO SLAY A DRAGON
This is an enchanting fantasy story. Your descriptions of the mountains, the cave, the goblins . . . are all well done. Make everything seem real. Anexia is a good main character. She’s feisty and certainly able to take care of herself in this strange land. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanabeawriter. Who Killed the President?

Hi. This is a YARG review – a little shorter than I would normally give, but I’m snowed under in all areas, sorry.

Good pitches which make me want to read the book. Good level of writing, dialogue believable, nicely drawn setting and fantasy world.

Tiny problem at the start – it read a bit like her face was framed with chattering teeth!
Maybe – ‘….framing a pale face. Her teeth chattered and blue eyes….’ Or maybe it’s just me! And can be ignored.

Intriguing start – we have a girl out in the country alone – first it could be here in the normal wilds, but soon we learn there are not only bears and wolves, but goblins and other things (as well as the dragons from the pitch.

It’s quite a long first chapter and I wanted a bit more information before the end of it. I wanted to know why the girl was there, and something more about her.

I might have used chapter 3 – down to ‘the dragon had taken them from her..’ as a prologue. It’s exciting, it introduces us to the girl, at home with her people, to the fantasy world they live in, and tells us the traumatic event that set her off on her quest.
Then that first chapter would have been more satisfying as I’d have already been grounded. However, that’s me – a prologue fan. Lots of people hate then and you may not agree anyway of course.

Overall, a good fantasy read, with great characters and situations, a quest, magic and a dragon to hunt. Enjoyed what I read (four chapters) and will go on to read more.
Cariad.

A YARG Review

I read through the first three chapters and very much enjoyed them. I particularly liked the interaction between Tsynon and Anexia in the second chapter. I could easily see it happening in a film, and I thought the dialogue between them was great, very realistic :)

Anexia is a good main character, young but with clear goals. After reading chapter three, I wondered if you've ever thought of showing us her arrival at the school? She remembers it so we do know it's happened, but I could imagine a scene with her meetings the school officials could be amusing!

No real nitpicks to make. The name Justin tripped me up after reading so many more 'fantasy' style names, but that's about the only thing I can think of. I think you've got a very strong voice here in this story, and I can see it doing really well.

Good luck with it :)

KT

YARG review,
I've read the first two chapters and your pitches. I'll start with your pitches first. When reading them, it reminded me of two things, both movies. It reminded me of a sci fi channel minni-series movie done back in dec. of 2004 called earth sea and the other moby dick. A girl who has the potienal of magic goes to a magic school and then wanting to kill a dragon for destroying her villiage. The latter reminds of moby Dick.
Back to the review, The first two chapters I've read. I just couldn't stop reading them. The whole thing is that well written. I was hooked by the end of the first chapter. The same for the second. I'll be back for another read. :)

YARG review here...

Hello!
I really liked your novel so far, or at least the chunks I was able to sink my teeth into. It has a lot going for it: pretty interesting descriptions of places, an evocative beginning, cheerful dialogue, and colorful and endearing characterization. The familiar setting of a boarding school helps me keep my sense of balance, and the writing was nice and clear of blunders which made it easy to read.

You excel at crafting the magical system in your fantasy world. It's quite intricate, and not many authors spend the time to go into gritty details such as forging a rune-encrusted sword, or much else for that matter. However, because this is a novel about going to magical academy all of this stuff about how magic works comes pouring out from you in abundance. I'm left itching for something to happen, and for classes to get over. This didactic flavor even gets into your dialogue: everyone is so eager to share their knowledge, even strangers and not-so-nice people. This kind of detail is great for writing RPG's where every power must be intricately quantified, but I almost want to beg for less! Almost, because I enjoy it on another level. You needn't explain everything, no matter how much Anexia wants to know. Your diligent crafting could just as easily shine through a set of intelligent allusions along with some choice lessons. But that's only a suggestion.

What I loved most, however, was how you included descriptions of food. It sounds silly and simple, but so many people leave this part out, and I miss it when it's neglected. What I liked even better than that was what Kitchen said about food bringing people together. You've taken his advice, I can see!

Thanks!
– Bea B.
"How the Double Blade Was Forged"

Hi
Came for a YARG reveiw.
I really liked this. I like Anexia and you have created an atmospheric beginning with the vivid descriptions, that aren't too over the top and lengthy, which I sometimes find with this genre.
The goblin dialogue was well done and believable.
I really enjoyed the ending with the wizard hitting him on the head. Just what you'd want to do to goblins I'd suspect.
All in all a great beginning. A very well told fantasy that has all the right elements.
I've just included some nit pick edits you may find useful, to futher polish. But feel free to ignore, they are just suggestions.
Well done,
Cheers Jacoba

Chapter one
...a young girl huddled. ( take out was)
What was that? I think this should be italicised as thought.
..it was just her imagination playing tricks. ( take out on her)
..Papa said hid under the bed ( replace was hiding)
And the water in the cave had been a lucky find. ( to tighten)
...beasts could tell she'd been there ( take out that)
...wings of the bat sounded like dragon ( take out had)
Before long the drawn out days of ...( I'd use the instead of her, and drawn out intstead of long to stop repetition)
...his mother missed him ( replace was missing)
...and woke up, blinking the sleep ( take out blearily, I think that's explained by the blinking eyes)
....but her parents explained it was all part of life ( to tighten)
Anexia began to regret her decision. It was dark.... ( to tighten)
Anexia immediately knew this was...( take out that)
Mushrooms clustered around the tree's roots, glowing faintly with a pulsating orange light. ( change order and tighten)
...and yellowing buckteeth waddled towards Anexia ( replace was waddling)
only to find herself ( left out find)
nasty old man still followed her ( replace was following)
probably the leader wore..( replace was wearing)
He muttered to himself ( replace was muttering)

Hi J.C.,

I love your pitch, so that’s why I’m here. Seems like my kind of read. Below are my comments. They are of course, my humblest opinions.

Your pitches are relatively good, which is rare on Authonomy (I don’t think most pay attention to their pitches, as I think they should). That said, you might consider scrubbing for wordiness. For instance, “someday she can go back and slay the creature” can be condensed to “someday she can slay the creature.” You get the idea. Also, delete the ellipse at the end. They’re overused and rarely to much for you. Plus, they come across as hackneyed.

Chapter one

“chill air” should be “chilled air”

“was huddled” should drop the “was”

“draped” usually means something hangs upon something else, like clothing hanging or draping on something. This is an odd word choice to describe hair.

What makes the mountains wild?

Drop the ellipse.

When the narrator is thinking something, italicize her thoughts (as in “What was that?”)
“had been put out” can be “were snuffed”

Drop the ellipses. ;)

“She was alive, that was a start.” This is two separate sentences. I’d separate them with a period. You could use a semicolon, but publishers generally aren’t fond of overuse of semicolons, as they’re thought to be a distraction.

Seriously, these ellipses do nothing for you and are distracting.

In all, I like this a lot. You’ve got a great sense of pacing going on here, which is refreshing. I’m not sure all the imagery really works, but I love your descriptive focus. Just a little clean up would fix this, so it’s not a biggie. Good story and you’re a good story teller. Give this a bit of scrubbing and you’ve got something.

If you get the chance, I’d invite you to check out my pitch and read on if it interests you. I’d love to know your thoughts.

Good luck with this!
All the best,

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Like how from the start you get right into things, trying to fight to stay alive. And the nocturnal guardian is just not a cool name but a cool idea. A wolf that came to sleep with her. what an idea!!! But the it leaves before she wakes up.

This story is having a magical jungle book feel to it. I like it. Even if a wolf and goblin seems a bit far from each other it still works.

so . . . wolves, goblins and falcons. all living and magical. pretty neat. your writing moves the story quite quickly and you have a good balance of dialogue and description. 6 stars. sorry for getting to your book so late. I think it’s your story though that is pulling us along.

YARG Critique

JC, i read the first three chapters. I liked the conflict young Anexia battles through in her head. I found the young wolf very endearing.

Your descriptions and dialogue are lively and detailed enough that the story moves along well. There were no parts, of the three chapters read, where I thought, when's it going to get good?

I thought the shock of losing her parents and watching it all burn was too short. She's a child but that's traumatic. I'd give that a good page of descriptions.

Overall, I put you on my WL. Rated 6 stars!

Alice

Wow, you've made a big difference to this.
I don't know why, but her unconscious use of magic is much more plausible now and I like your Mage a lot better!
The opening description of the school is good too. Shifting scene and pace like that it tricky, but I think you've pulled it off and you do a good job of describing your heroine settling in to her new environment.
The wolve-cub, too, is an intriguing touch.

Couple of finicky bits. Having Anexia's village and her town begin with the same letter is not necessarily helpful. Call me a bird of small brain, but I kept getting muddled between the two, and I've read other advice to the same purpose.
When Anexia looses the fruit she picks, you might want to mention that she's dropped it. Although I gathered fairly quickly that she had, it distracted me for a bit til I knew.

Otherwise, good job!

Lindsay

Great imagery right off the bat. It is a nice pull straight into your story. I really like the young girl's name, "Anexia" it's pretty and unique. I am really curious as to why she is out in the cold alone. It is intriguing how she knows so much about the nature, which again leaves me wanting some more of her history. I wouldn't add to much if you added it at all, but it might help the reader understand what is going on a bit better. I am slightly confuse to where she is from and what she is doing alone? I like the small bit about the wolf cub sleeping next to her, it just adds a little color :) "She had been lucky once, it wouldn't happen again." I think this sentence just because it shows that falling asleep with dangers around her isn't something she can most likely get away with the second time. It is interesting how you have Anexia wandering around in the wilderness, just because it really makes me long for an adventure like her as she tries to navigate her way to Gerdona. "The grove was dark; lush branches filtered out all but the faintest traces of sunlight. It was like a whole other world." Another great use of imagery for the reader :) The fight with the goblins is a great little humorous touch I think. Also a great way to introduce the wizard with the falcon. I really like what you have here so far, it is a great story and the way you write gives it a mysterious, mischievous sort vibe which I think young adults and others will certainly enjoy. I wish you the best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

A YARG review
Hi J. C.,
I read the first chapter and really liked it! There was plenty of excitement to make me want to read more!
I loved how you gave the goblins a very definite way of speaking; it gave them character and I could almsot see and hear the battle between Anexia and the goblins.
Very nice. You're WL and I''ll be back!
Noelle "Dark Origins"

J C,
I'm very impressed by a nine-year-old girl who thinks she can take care of herself despite the hostile strangers she encounters. You describe her rustic surroundings in such detail that I could easily imagine her surroundings and felt great compassion for the poor little girl who will face many challenges in this adventuresome narrative.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Hi JC, Kate from the Alliance here. Just read chapter one of: To Slay a Dragon and loved it. I’ve left some thoughts, which I hope prove useful, in the meantime backed. If you get a chance to take a peek at the first chapter of The Land of Midnight Days, I’d be most grateful, if you’re too busy then that’s fine.

The short pitch is good and does its job of drawing the reader in. The long pitch is also great, apart from the repetition of the word “dragon”, which jars a little – it’s almost as if you’re hammering the point home that the story’s about a girl and a dragon. I’ve put some alternatives that you might want to use – just a suggestion.
When Anexia is nine years old, her village is destroyed by a dragon, leaving her orphaned and alone in the wilderness. After encountering a mage, she decides to devote her life to studying magic at Liksemos Academy so that someday she can go back and slay the (dragon.) *creature. Being ridiculed for her goal, Anexia must figure out how to kill the (dragon) *monster on her own while negotiating the treacherous paths of friendship and school politics. As if her life wasn’t difficult enough already, she finds herself being trained by a harsh Master who will settle for nothing but the best and is rumoured to have killed some of his previous students...
Chapter One.
The first few paragraphs paint an evocative picture of Anexia and her surroundings and you swiftly establish her circumstances in a way that puts the reader straight into the story.
In the evenings she had to sneak up to caves, in search of one that was unoccupied. This sentence struck me as being a bit wordy, almost rambling. I would suggest rejigging along the lines of: In the evenings she had to sneak about in search of an unoccupied cave – something along those lines.
Anexia slept through the night... Anexia’s eyes flew open... You have two consecutive paragraphs beginning with the MC’S name. I suggest varying this, otherwise it makes the narrative read like a list. Also, since we know who you’re referring to, there’s no need to keep using her name in such close proximity. As long as it’s clear, using “she” or “her” is okay. Suggest: Anexia slept through the night... Her eyes flew open...
I know you might think I’m contradicting myself here, but in the paragraph beginning: Relieved that there was nothing else in the cave... you’ve overused the words “she” and “her”. You can still indicate her activities and cut down on the aforesaid words. I.e.: Relieved that there was nothing else in the cave, Anexia splashed water in her face and then filled two water skins. They were then stuffed into her pack, which was then swung onto her back, as she absently brushed some fur off her ragged shirt. So from 5 “hers” down to 3. You also mention her walking over to the pool of water. You don’t need to indicate her every movement, the reader will assume she’s walked over to it. You also don’t need to mention the pool again, as you already established it’s in the cave earlier on.
The paragraph beginning: The grove was dark... and ending: ...vanishing among the shadows, is excellent. The description is spot on.
(Approaching the tree...) I don’t think you need this. As I said before there’s no need to describe her every movement. I think the sentence flows better as: Anexia reached up and picked a smooth red fruit.
(One of them) the one that had spoken... Again, I don’t think you need the bracketed words, just: The one that had spoken was wearing...
Repetition: Anexia looked (behind) her... but there were two more of the hideous creatures sneaking out from (behind)... suggest replacing the 1st bracketed word with “around”.
At once they were surrounding her again. This sounds a little odd. Suggest: At once they surrounded her again.
He looked up to see the goblin that the girl was fighting get knocked to the ground and stay there. This is a bit overlong and doesn’t flow well. Suggest: He looked up to see the last goblin get knocked to the ground and stay there. You don’t need to use “the girl” to indicate who did the knocking over, the reader already knows this.
Here’s another example of the overuse of Anexia’s name in close proximity: (Anexia) tiredly raised the stick... the mage said, sitting down opposite (Anexia)... “It’s just swinging a stick...” (Anexia) stated flatly... Since they’re are only two people present and one is a male, the other female, the reader is not going to get confused if you use “she” or “her” in place of the MC’S name.
Typo: “Oh no! (I’m) not done my foraging yet...” The bracketed word should be: I’ve.
...so it would be rude (to) not let him come along. I suggest repositioning the bracketed word so the sentence flows better: ... so it would be rude not (to) let him come along.
They searched along the mountain (for the afternoon)... this sounds as if they’re actually searching for the afternoon itself, suggest: They searched along the mountain all afternoon...
Tsynon smiled to himself and lay down to sleep. There was no need to stand watch; they would be safe tonight. I love the involvement of the wolf cub and these last sentences rounded the chapter off nicely.

I wanted to let you know that I came back for another reading. I made it Chapter 3, and I am loving every moment of it. You need to be published, it's a fact. You draw the reader in and I can't think of anything negative to say! I'm a fan of your work and keep up the good work! I realized I never starred you before, so you are getting high ones now! Thanks for sharing this book!

Best,

Ashley
Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

I looked briefly at some of the other comments here, and have to disagree with many of them. I also see that they didn’t read the whole thing, so they had little to base their opinions on. I did read the whole book, and I’ll let you know what I thought, for whatever it’s worth. Keep in mind that this is just my opinion and you are perfectly free to ignore anything I say.

I actually very much liked the book. It was well-polished and easy to read, and it was always interesting. You have a lot of power in your moments. There were many things that made me smile, and it seemed like you really thought your ideas through. You have amazing creativity that I think will take you far.

I particularly liked the little wolf, which made me grin at the beginning. I was very happy that you brought it back at the end. I also loved Dimitri, though I was really hoping that Anexia would find some way to turn him human again. He seemed like a wonderful friend, and I liked how his music changed with his mood or whatever they were talking about.

While you had so much power in the moments of the story, I felt like the overall plot line was a little lacking. I kind of wish you’d spent more time on the hunt for the dragon instead of all of Anexia’s training, because it made the pace a little slow.

I also would have liked a little romance between Anexia and Dareth or Dimitri, but maybe that’s just because I’m a romantic at heart. The book works well without any such thing anyway.

Best of luck!
Cora

Sweet! I really like your style of writing. It's very descriptive and engaging. Living myself most of the year in the snow, I affirm the setting. I too, have sensed the, "crisp scent of snow that wafted down from the summit..." And it proved to be a clear day as well... Love that. Anyway, I'm looking foreward to reading more, but had to stop after chapter one. Gotta get up at 0430 for work. You know, the day job. Keep on writing. I hope that you can push through to making a full-fledged novel. I'll let you know when I read more. Blessings! PD Lorenz. P.S. If you get a chance, please check out The Vale of Blood. The book is actually going to be released on or around Sept. 9th. Peace.

This is AMAZING! Love the dragon theme. I can sense her protective spirit of her cave in the opening lines. I think you have a real hit on your hands here. I see this one going far. I am watch listing you, but you are one of the top contenders for when my shelf space opens. Best of luck to you with this!

Ashley

Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

J.
I liked Alexia (and the name too ;) ) but you're right, you can tell it used to be a short story.
Still, you draw an enticing picture of a young girl trying to survive on her own, and of her developing courage.
You build the characters well.
Not a lot of point in critiquing til I've seen the re-edit, which I'd like to. Will you give me a nudge when you've done?

Lindsay

J.C.

I've read the first 3 chapters thus far, and feel I can offer a reasonable chunk of feedback.

The first chapter brings us into Anexia's life fairly well. There is not a huge information dump, instead just a few bits and pieces of quite well written narrative. I have to admit to sighing at the 'sapphire blue eyes' bit - seems like every other fantasy work I read has '(adjective)(colour) eyes' in the first couple of paragraphs and yet for no real reason. Eyes, as they say, are the windows to the soul and as such can be used to show so much about a character, but the colour on its own is a waste of that chance; that form of description I feel is much more suited to inclusion after other aspects of the character have been revealed. Anyway, sorry, I don't mean to sound like I'm ranting, it's just a personal peeve.

So, onto other things. The way the first chapter unravels gives us a good idea of who Anexia is and the land she's in. I like the gwagewa tree with the symbiotic mushrooms, that was particularly good imagery you portrayed there. The goblin attack had mildly comic undertones about it, which I liked, though when the mage appears I don't feel it necessary to explain that he began to understand she wasn't aware of using magic, the 'waving a stick, anyone can do it' bit is all the explanation the reader needs.

I like the way chapter 2 starts. Confusing the reader is a risky approach but you manage it just fine, relieving the confusion just as the reader starts to think they've missed something and wants to go back a few lines. Your presentation of the academy is well written, with suitable descriptions that, while one or two sentences could be shortened, is overall quite vivid. It's a nice introduction to this new place.

And finally chapter 3. This was a bit tough for me to get through, but not due to your writing, more because to a 30 year old bloke, three young girls sneaking off to have some chocolate in the school kitchen isn't really very interesting. I did like the idea of the elf though, and the Kitchen/kitchen section of dialogue made me chuckle.

So overall, from what I've read, you've got a good understanding of how to tell a story. A bit of editing to smooth it out wouldn't hurt. Personally I'd like a bit more exposition regarding the dragon attack on her village but it may be that you've included it later so...

D M Sharples.

I'm looking forward to the re-write on the first chapter. I expect it will draw the reader into the story a little quicker.\

Bigkid

Hello J.C.!

Thanks for the peek at my own piece, I'm here to return the favour.

As a warning, I do tend to be critical of certain things; call them "pet peeves", if you will. As it happens, you've hit a few of them.

1. "Anexia". There are a few guides to use for names, especially when creating names for fantasy. The name is the first thing in your book, in this case, and therefore all the more important.
Names are evocative; people will invariably make associations and assumptions based on a name. This one, when I read it, immediately reminded me of "An(or)exia". While the impression becomes somewhat a propos as I read, I did feel it was a little... harsh. If you're not enamored of it, or if that was not deliberate, then you might consider finding your character a new name.

2. Paragraph 5: "Returning" x3. You will definitely be called out for this by any actual editor, if not before. These are entirely replaceable with other word combinations that impart the same meaning. There were a few other instances of repetition I saw, but your note says you're currently editing, so I'm sure you've caught that.

3. "pirate hat". Immersion-breaker. For you to use this comparison, two things must be true.
A. Pirates exist in your universe (as we, the reader, know them) and
B. Anexia has to have seen some of them in her (brief) past.
I ran into this issue myself when trying to describe my dragon as briefly as possible in my prologue; I found myself comparing it with other animals I had not yet decided were or were not in my universe. I eventually wrote comparisons out to correct the issue.

4. "I'm just swinging a stick; any child could do it". In this case, you've broken character.
Anexia, earlier on, is very insistent that she is not a child. Ergo, she would not refer to any activity she took as something a child could do, lest the comparison be drawn and the assumption she is a child made. I'm stating it somewhat psychologically, bit it is a leap that children who are in that mindset can (and do) make quite easily.

5. "They searched along the mountain(side) for the afternoon with Myranil swooping above them and warning them of any nearby danger". This sentence suggest that there was in fact danger, and that they had to avoid it or confront it. Perhaps "swooping overhead to warn them if there was danger" might be better?

The preceding 5 points are all me "nit-picking", so please don't take it personally. I'm reading this as if it were one of my own pieces, and seeing how I would improve it for my own peace of mind.

Now on to the good parts!

The story itself is engaging, and suggests a great deal more depth to come. The character (Anexia) is developing at a very good pace, not giving too much too quickly, yet promising to fulfill the questions the reader is bound to ask themselves.

Tsynon is also well placed; he will definitely play an important role in the story, but *at this time* is still mostly a mystery -- as he should be, since he is enigma to Anexia.

I will definitely read more at a later time.

An excellent beginning!

Kev.

What an intriging first chapter! Anexia is very brave and smart for her age, and it was interesting that she was using magic without her knowledge.

Can't wait to find out what happens next.

Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

Greetings, oh Lord of the Wyrms. Here with an Alliance crit for you.

I actually skim-read this entire book a few days ago, with a reader’s hat on rather than a Worldbuilder’s hat. The story was interesting enough for me to want to know what happened next, and for that alone I will back it (in a few days, once I’ve given another book a bit longer on my shelf – do remind me if I forget). My favourite character has got to be Dmitri. I love that guy. Give me a talking piano as a confidant any day :-)

OK. So with that out of the way, I am now returning to your work with a critical eye. I’ll skip over the first chapter because it’s under reconstruction – though I will just say that I think this book is crying out for a really dramatic prologue, namely the story of how the dragon destroyed Anexia’s village. I just think that starting a book from the POV of a young girl whose home is in the process of being melted by a dirty great dragon would be an amazingly gripping start. At the moment you start with Anexia wandering around after the attack, which feels kind of directionless (and I don’t get any sense of her anguish or loss, though she must be feeling it if her parents have been killed). If I were you I’d consider doing the dragon attack as the prologue (or first chapter if you’re a prologue-hater) and then tighter in to the meeting with Tsynon as the next chapter (or even combine the two, have her fleeing from the village straight into more trouble, from which T. rescues her). But this is all just speculation, because I don’t know what you’re doing with chapter one right now.

Anyway. That was a lot of rambling, considering I said I’d skip chapter one ;-)

For me the early chapters at the school feel a bit disjointed, as though you weren’t quite sure where to start. I felt you hit your stride when the girls went to the kitchen and met Kitchen.

Looking over the book again, as a general point, if I were you I’d stick really closely to Anexia’s POV. Her determination and spirit make her a really strong character, and I think you can make your readers identify with her much more if you resist the temptation to slip out of POV from time to time. Let us experience all this new stuff alongside her. And if I were you I’d avoid anything like the end of chapter 6 (‘Anexia would have been far less enthusiastic …’). Maybe this is a personal foible, but I really HATE this kind of ‘little did she know’-ism unless it’s done for strong stylistic reasons. It tells me something bad is going to happen, which lessens the impact when it does; it flings me straight out of the character’s POV into the narrator’s; and it feels like a lazy way to try to keep me turning the pages. Nuff said.

I’d put a little bit more about Dareth in Chapter 7. He’s an important character and so it would be worth describing him a little more at this stage from Anexia’s POV – particularly as he’s just barrelled right into her. What does she think of him? Is she annoyed? Does she think he looks interesting –the kind of person she’d like to know better – or like a scruffy brat? I mean, you could go one of two ways – her judgement could turn out to be right or wrong – but I think you need some form of response on her part.

Chapter 11 – this sudden jump forward in time felt very abrupt to me. Are you planning on dividing the book into Part 1 and Part 2? Because I think some clear signposting is needed. Large jumps forward in time always have to be handled carefully, because your reader is just getting to know and love your protagonist and then they get slapped in the face with the fact that they’ve just missed a giant chunk of the character’s life. Think of all the adventures Anexia had in seven years – adventures we didn’t get to share. (As another example, you know that bit in The Lion King where you see Simba grow up from a cub to an adult lion in about five seconds? I remember feeling really cheated as a kid because I didn’t get to see what happened in between.) Of course, these kinds of jumps happen in narratives all the time. The important thing is to catch the reader as quickly as possible in the new scene and leave them no time to remember they’ve missed anything. So if I were you I’d avoid the summary of what’s happened in the past seven years (Look! This is what you missed!) and go straight into the action.

Oh, I love Twitch. Second only to Dmitri. I wish I had a moving gecko tattoo :-)

The ending is great (particularly the wolf familiar). I wanted more from the actual dragon-slaying moment, I think. More emotion, more visceral feeling, just … more. But structurally I think the second half of the book is far stronger than the first. You give more time to the story and let the characters breathe. In the first part, it sometimes felt as though you were trying to set up all the characters ready for the second part. I guess your current word count is about right for the target audience but I wonder whether there might be room to expand on the first half slightly. Otherwise you run the risk that it all feels like a setup and introduction to the second half.

Well, that’s my two cents. If you want to chat about anything in particular then just let me know. And as I said, I’ll back it in a few days (remind me if I forget).

The premise of your story is intriguing, and except for a few minor changes, the first chapter needs very little change. Your descriptions are great enabling the reader to visualize your story. Highly rated and put it on my WL to read in its entirety.

Your first paragraph is very effective. You introduce the setting, your main character, and the mood with very little effort. From there this only gets better. I'm intrigued by the premise. She's a nine-year-old survivor. Then you mention a dragon. You have the makings of a solid hook here.

Anexia is a character who is easy to relate to. Down on her luck and alone, I found myself cheering for her as she encountered the grumpy old hermit and the goblins. I also like the introduction of the animals (the wolf cub and the falcon).

You do a good job of balancing your descriptions. It was easy to visualize everything taking place, but you didn't spend paragraphs upon paragraphs describing it. Along the same lines, I appreciate the fact you didn't spend a lot of time giving us back story about the world they're in. Instead, you're allowing your reader to discover it along the way. Nicely done.

Suggestions: I'd be careful not to overwrite. "sapphire blue eyes," in my opinion, interferes with your otherwise excellent writing. As a whole, this is well-written, but I do think it would benefit from a trim. Cut unnecessary words that slow down your narrative (i.e. She remembered when a group of woodsmen found Mr. Controy. They said a bear had mauled him." That's seven words less, flows better, and contains the same meaning.) Along the same lines, I'd check to see if you can cut some of your adverbs. Your writing is strong enough without most of them. Though I like the end of chapter 1, have you considered finishing it with a hook instead? It might do a better job of encouraging your reader to turn the page.

As a whole, this was a solid opening with well-developed characters and an intriguing premise. I look forward to reading on to see what happens next as Anexia bonds with and learns from the mage.

A message from the author:

At long last, Chapters 1-6 have been updated on October 5th, 2011.
Chapters 7-10 updated on October 17th, 2011.
Chapters 11-31 updated on December 5th, 2011.

I've read only three chapters, so my comments are limited. I'll get the snarky comments out of the way first: it took me three attempts to make it through the first half of the first chapter. I couldn't quite connect with Anexia, so I had to force myself to read on. When Tsynon shows up, the story really kicks in. I love the battle with the goblins and the fact that Anexia seems to be holding her own for quite a while. It's interesting that she's using magic and doesn't even know it. You clearly have a gift for dialogue- I find the interaction between the characters realistic and believable.

You do a good job weaving in background info, so no complaints there. Has anyone told you the second chapter puts them in mind of Harry Potter? I thought the HP elements were very strong. Magic is a popular theme, but books featuring magical academies for children run the risk of being compared to HP. I think your book is different enough to set it apart, and intriguing enough to make me want to read on when I have more time. Overall, I think your book has alot of potential. I'll be back for more.

Greetings Wyrm Lord, the Vice Captain has come to pay her respects. As always what follows is purely the opinion of someone who does not claim to be an expert and so must be taken with appropriate dosages of salt or other well known proverbial seasoning.

PITCH- interesting but there's a lot of 'being so and so'- makes it a bit repetitive.

I'm getting vibes of How to Train Your Dragon (though here it's how to Slay your Dragon :P). This is meant as a good thing!

ONE

The opening starts off well. But you spoil it with 'jumping at every sound she heard'. Why not tell us what the sounds are right off? Creaks, groans, whines, howls, clicks, squeaks...whatever! Paint the scene for us with some auditory description. Also you might want to make mention of how she's having to rely on her hearing and not her sight because of the dark...

'Now she sat awake in fear'- we know she's scared, you've told us with the 'shivered' and 'jumping'. And the right after 'fear' you use afraid! Drop the fear :P

The final sentence doesn't follow on well from the previous. Anexia is scared...first of the noises, then of bandits?? Huh? You need more to flesh out the link. She's scared of the noises who might be bandits who'll be after her precious resources. Make it flow together.

Also, 'resources'. This is YA. Anexia is young, and this is her POV. Would she really use a word like 'resources'? It sounds too advanced for her. Maybe stick with 'food' or 'water' or whatever the resource actually IS.

'Her sapphire blue eyes'- ahhh, a stock cliche. Except you take it one step further with the 'blue' :P Most people know sapphires are blue- the reference to the colour is redundant. I could just about cope with 'sapphire eyes'.

'fearfully' AGAIN with the fear! Stop telling me- give me some gestures, insights and thoughts as to WHY Anexia is feeling like this. Maybe she's thinking about the last time she heard these noises. Is she fidgeting nervously? Does she do a peculiar thing (like play with her hair or something) when she's scared? You have such an opportunity to show off her personality and you're not. Give me a taste of what Anexia is like as a person!

Okay this next paragraph, for me, didn't flow well from the last one. She's worried about someone coming...and then you're telling us she goes out. If she's scared about an intruder, I really think her mind would be focused on that! This was just you, the author, stepping in to tell us her daily ritual, and here seemed as good a place as any :P

The insight you give though is good 'But she wasn't a child'- inject this earlier. This bit could be moved, or at least provide a link as to how she gets to this thought. Like she's tired of hiding...but she has to because it's such hard work to get food. THEN you can tell us how she goes about getting the food/water etc so we can see ourselves how hard it is. But you need to remember that Anexia is our filter for events, so make sure she's the one telling us, not you.

'A gust of chill, crisp wind'- wow, you've provided quite a selection :) How about 'A chill gust?' Says the same thing.

'It wasn't safe...' that is a very long sentence and you repeat 'night'. Simplify it: 'It wasn't safe to stay out at night; creatures that could gobble her in one bite roamed the mountains, and she couldn't hide in the same caves as they'd pick up her scent.'

'never returning...' haha, I like that line!

'The water meant'- this is stating the obvious. Just 'She had been lucky tonight; she'd only have to worry about food.' Saves you repeating 'water', too.

'No matter how hard she fought...' um, when? She was listening for noises. You've given no indication that she's tired, fighting sleep, or trying to stay awake. Go back and try to bring out Anexia's tiredness. Then this would make more sense.

All of this next bit is good description, but I'm not getting a feel of Anexia still. I'm getting snippets of reaction (lacking discipline to stay awake, the promise of a clear day) but it's not enough. I want more. Is she cautious or eager to go, hopeful or pessimistic she'll find food, carefree or constantly worrying? Her voice isn't very clear.

'A falcon circling in the sky'- well duh, where else to falcons circle? :P A redundant description.

You're switching verb tenses- 'where there (were) animals there would be food' is what it should read, not what you've written. I think this happened earlier as well (but I didn't quite know what was wrong). Careful!

'Bearing its...' careful, this is grammatically incorrect. The tree is the subject, not Anexia, so you can't have her in the clause after the comma. Anexia isn't bearing fruit- the tree is! 'It bore precious colourful fruit on peeling..., and Anexia' or 'Bearing precious colourful fruit on peeling spindly branches, the rare gwagewa tree bowed slightly in the breeze.'

Lots and lots of adverbs that aren't really doing much for your descriptions. Get the Earth Wyrm to eat them :P

'light...light...light'- this is getting weak for me, especially as they're all clustered in one paragraph. Try to avoid them entirely (or use synonyms if you absolutely must).

'she'd heard'...I don't think you need these so constantly, they're clogging up your sentences. Her insights from Mama are wonderful and need to stay, but these interruptions distance the reader from Anexia and make it hard to connect with her.

Your sentences are a bit purple in places. Neaten them up. The writing in general (I'm sorry to say) isn't really of the standard I was hoping for. Sometimes your descriptions jump out of the blue, and there's very little character insight. When there is insight, it's good, but there's not enough of it, and it's making the writing very flat to me. Words on a page, not a story I want to get lost in. Just my opinion!

'the day wasn't getting any younger' - again, this is your author voice, not Anexia's. Stop trying to control the narrative- let Anexia do it :P

'Anexia thought/felt/smelt'- CUT the sense verbs and just get on with whatever is being felt/heard. So not 'Anexia thought looked very much like' but 'One of them...was wearing what looked like a pirate hat.' Get us closer to Anexia. 'Anexia felt cold' - should be 'It was cold.' Give her the reins of the story, tell it through HER eyes.

Anexia's action are all tell. 'She defended herself, she jumped'. There is no internal reaction. No quickening pulse, no shortness of breath, no sweating, feeling clammy, butterflies in stomach- you need these things to help us empathize with her. She's not coming across as a main character to me. Get the visceral feelings in, make the reader feel her panic and fright alongside her.

'He came...just in time to club'- whoa, this is a major action and you just gloss over it in a single sentence! He would have seen the attackers from afar- does this cajole him to move faster? Does he have a plan of attack, or dive right in? Some good action potential here, don't let it flop on the floor like a dead fish!

'knocked down the goblin she was fighting'- please, stop describing EVERY little thing! Give the reader some credit, they can work things out if you give them enough insight. Tighten those sentences.

And so it ends.

Okay, I'll be honest. I thought your concept was good, but your execution is not. The writing needs tightening, but the main thing for me is that Anexia feels flat and so I don't want to find out more about her. This chapter did not get me wanting to read on, which is a shame as I wanted to enjoy the story.

All I can suggest is make sure Anexia is in the driving seat. Everything that happens needs her input or reaction, some insight into her behaviour. Her thoughts help connect events together and she can guide us through her world and how she sees it. It's there in places, but you need more. Also you need more tension and drama in the action scenes, to keep up the pace.

Call me if you want the burn cream :P

Keep at it though! It has potential, but needs work.

Good luck though and all the best,

Sam241

----) To slay a dragon
Hey J. And C. This is my review based on the two full chapters I have read this far. :) My opinion.

This appealed by its frank and honest lay-out writing. While some books here (fantasy or not) are so complicately crafted, To Slay a Dragon bears a peculiar charm of simplicity that may fit very well to children audience and people that like stories with a good easy flow and overall device. Secondly, this appealed me because you focused on the growth of Anexia, MC, in her riddling adventures in the Liksemos Academy. My own story having an academy, I enjoyed reading :).

I noticed how you use a lot of exclamative sentences to voice your irony or humor. It provides, in my opinon, a good effect where you used them. Also, in the first chapter you tend to use 'Was that...' to convey your suspense and your questioning about the MC's environment and I think it's both cute and funny. Appropriate for relating to the MC's age, I beckon. At some point in the beggining, when you first mentioned about 'goblins', I realized that you did not lay a proper little background for those creatures; even if you explain how they look like afterwards, when Anexia is attacked. You need to have a stand-alone of your book--some indication that your story recreates everything from A to Z, along with its fantasy elements in 'To slay a Dragon'.

I think you may want to create a more in depth lore, do as you may if you want to do 8 tomes, it may be interesting to reconsider. Although as I read further, I noted that you did a great job to introduce Magic in your story!
-You may want to push 'Ctrl-F' on your keyboard in microsoft word and look at how many of the word 'notice' you used in chapter 1.

-Something that nagged me was how you made Anexia say 'It's just swinging a stick, any child could do it' although, in the beggining you said something about 'She wasn't a child, she wasn't! She could...' I think you may want to look at it again, but I'm sure you were hooked in your writing and this just the type of errors we all make.
-Many times you use ' (Insert dialogue here)' the man chuckled' I'm not sure if you can chuckle a word, I think you should put the action of chuckling after the proper voicing '(Insert dialogue here)' the man said, before chuckling' for example.
-You depict your scenery very very well, and this fits your genre. In my case, I tend to over describe a setting when I lack confidence to narrate in a more intricate way I have still not grasped. In your case, I think we have a vivid imagery on the world you create.

In chapter two
Ooooh the academy! I loved reading this chapter! This works for me.
Typo : '....use to' ---) 'used to'
Somewhere in the end you tend to start your paragraphs with 'They'. You could trim for the repetitions.
In the end of the chapter, you also mention Anexia absorbing every information 'like a sponge' ---) I'm not sure if sponges existed in your fantasy universe, maybe they do but it seems a little bit modern and non-fictional! Just a technical aspect.
-'Zombie-like expression' of her classmates ---) again, this 'zombie' element seems out of place in your universe.
-The piano music in the library is very original and I loved the theory concept of a powerful mage casting a spell in the place. I liked Justin's character and Anexia too, with her hidden talents in magic.
I can see where this goes as you outlined it in the pitch. It is very structured and clear as where the story takes us, and this assurance of craft is seductive for the reader, in this case, me.

Overall this reminds me of some crossover between a videogame and good old fantasy that I like a lot. Young audience will love this and I see why your classmates back then liked it. I need to read further to comment more.
If you need more feedback on latter chapters, feel free to tell. I like reading this as it is easy to, and will highly star this. Cool story bro! Good luck!

Akemitsu K. H

I wish I could remember everything I said in the comment-that-is-no-more. : /
Oh well. Most of it was positive, anyway. I think you handled the switch in POV very well, though maybe that just stuck out to me because I just finished reading a few pieces in which the multi-POV was rather clumsily executed. Anexia is a compelling MC, Tsynon a believable old wizard, and I plan to keep reading.
You write the nine-year-old voice really well, too, and I was reminded of the voice I saw in the earlier Bran and Arya passages in Robert Martin's Song of Ice and Fire, if you are at all familiar with that saga. If not, you should be! : )
Anyway, I won't say more until I've got a few more chapters under my belt.
J.N.Khoury
The Heiress of Rhiangar

Hi J.C.

Fellow world builder here to comment on dragon slaying, so on with the deed.

On the short pitch you seem to be saying the village was nine years old when it was destroyed. I know it should be Anexia, and you make that clear in the longer pitch, but it just seems worded wrong in the short one, and do we need to be told the same thing twice as the long pitch flows straight on from the short one on here?

You also half way through the long pitch make it sound like she is going to fight the dragon in the school, which would certainly be an interesting read. Girl joins school to kill the evil dragon teacher that destroyed her village :)

Onto the story

In the second paragraph do you need to say “rock ledge” as you already said “rocky slopes” so ledge would suffice

We have an “Every day” starting one paragraph and two paragraphs later we have an “Every evening” starting a paragraph, this seems to throw us into a repetitive pattern with learning information about Anexia.

On the Every evening paragraph should it read “Every evening she had to sneak up to the caves” rather than “Every evening she had to sneak up to caves”?

You also repeat in the same paragraph “it wasn’t safe” twice. Would the two sentences work better if combined instead of repeating the same information in a different way?

Our heroin comes across as a bit of a mental wanderer, her thoughts snapping to the sounds around her before wandering off to thoughts of other things. Is this intentional?

There also seems to be a change in the wind. We start with a gust and then it turns into a howling wind, which sounds like it would have been going on longer than the previous gust.

Interesting with the wolf cub, would this have worked better if Anexia had dreamt about the cub and maybe wondered if it was real or not, as you seem to be giving her a vivid imagination with regards to the world around her and the sounds she hears. Otherwise we have to wonder what the point of the cub appearing was, as she knew nothing about it.

I think water skin should be waterskin.

Does snow have a scent, I can understand the pine smell but I wouldn’t think snow smelt.

Interesting idea for the Gwagewa tree but you have a suddenly and immediately close together, do we need them both? It gives us two instant reactions which again repeat but lessen the impact of one.

When you describe the fruit I think it should be “were shaped like pyramids” rather than “was shaped like pyramids” as you are talking about plural fruit and not an individual fruit.

“Hallo there lass,” should be “Hallo there, lass,” as the lass is being addressed.

Anyway, you start a good story here, introducing the world and the characters well, but it maybe could do with some of the repetition trimmed. Oh and where is the cover to draw us in?

Hope the comments are helpful and good luck.

Stephen

Immediate opening, hooking the reader in. In tone and style, this reads more like children’s fantasy than young adult, particularly as the protagonist is only nine at the beginning of the story.

Would it read better to say “she had to sneak up to the caves”?

This is a traditional fantasy with mages, magic, dragons and goblins, but it is smoothly written and polished and the fantasy world is descriptively captured. I liked the wolf cub growing into a saviour and familiar.

There is lots to admire here, but this is a well worn fantasy track and if you are looking to publish it, you will want to make sure it has something that makes it stand out from the rest of its kind.

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

A very good first chapter. You do the change from Anexia's viewpoint to Tsynon's very smoothly. In this one chapter you set the scene (with Anexia's parents dead), introduce two main characters to each other, and leave us with a need to know what happens next. I love the fantastical element too. And I quickly warmed to the wolf cub. I hope he has a bigger part to play. When Anexia spies Tsynon and raises her stick to fight him, I would change the word 'tiredly' to 'wearily' but that's just my opinion of course! The only thing I didn't like was Anexia's name. It reminds me too much of Anorexia.
Your thread led me to this. Your telling me 'whatever you do, don't read this book' made me want to read it very much! Plus it has a dragon it it...

"To Slay a Dragon" all I can say is I like it very much! This could climb to the top not just here, but in the real world! John.

Man! This is awesome!!! I am backing this for sure, all the way. I've only read through the first chapter. I think there are a few adverbs that could be cut, and a few extra words in places, but the way you write is riveting, and hooking, and very, very well done. I don't know about plot etc yet, cause I haven't read it all... but I hope it's great, cause the first chapter certainly is. Well done! And thanks. Monicque.