Alannian and the Sword of Azallyan

BHCG Review

ALANNIAN AND THE SWORD OF AZALLYAN
Matthew Mallicoat

How anyone can expect such excellent High Fantasy to be realistic is beyond my understanding. This is the very thing we, as writers in that genre attempt to circumvent. I stand in awe of the beginning of this novel. You have painted pictures on the canvas of my mind that linger on long after I have read your words. In my opinion, this is a job well done.

The characterization, especially of the children, is superb. Unless one has children of their own they cannot fully understand that little ones come with their own set of intelligence and are super resilient when it comes to handling a crises. I feel you have written that scene of magical possession with great skill.

As always, I wish to read the entire novel before I can know if you are able to produce a story that holds together with an ending that fulfills all it needs to do. Unless you plan to make this a trilogy or write a sequel I believe there must be a satisfying closure with mysteries explained or at least acknowledged. I have a feeling you are quite capable of achieving that. I will look forward to reading more should you post further here.

I do feel you are an accomplished writer and have the skills to create a read that entertains. It sure made me hold my breath. Honestly, I think this is a story that can be appreciated by adults as well as the young.

Best of luck.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A King in Time

Alannian and the Sword of Azallyan.
By Mathew Mallicoat.


A rather gripping start to your book, a fast moving and certainly compelling read for any y/a.
Excellent descriptive scenes as Nyrel and Alannian hide in the garden.
You have captured the childish behavior of the two very nicely.
I wasn’t prepared for what happens next as Alannian is taken over by another force.
This was quick and to the point…great stuff…enough to hold the reader to it.
The tragic death of Ceilana is very moving but at least she has saved her son, Alannian.
This is quite a story you have here, nothing slow moving about it and it keeps the book flowing along.
I like your style of writing, the vocabulary is perfect for the age group that you are aiming for.
I think a story such as this deserves a better book cover…just my opinion.
Although taking nothing away from the book, it has a huge part to play in attracting a reader.
Don’t spoil your chances with this…it will make the book shops.
Many stars and on my shelf. BACKED.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

You have created an exciting yet frightening entrance into your fantasy world. The playful children oblivious to any malevolent force around them, which quickly halts when they are presented by the curse. Excellent structure to pull the reader into this fictional world. Good description leads readers to visualize rather than just read words. Great read, highly starred, will put on WL and shelve as quickly as possible.

Gretchen
"Drágön Spawn"

I am envious. If I’d written anything remotely comparable to Alannian at the age of twenty, I could only estimate that I’d be the greatest writer ever by now (38 yrs later.)

“Her auburn hair fluttered in the breeze and her tongue poked at two slightly large front teeth.” I admire how this bit of description comes alive with just a touch of action “her tongue poked…” and a very nice choice of words, too.

And another character description: “His eyes, two living emeralds, peeked out from underneath (I would suggest ‘beneath’) a mop of blond hair.” This is lovely… and untypically correct. Most writers, young and old, would make the mistake of using the word, blonde here.

A minor point: ““You can’t hide,” he declared.” The tag “declared” is fine, but I believe it draws attention to itself. And you don’t want attention on the dialogue tags. I feel that the more you vary the tag… he shouted, he stated, he asked… the more distracting the tags become. I’d suggest sticking with a simple, he said, she said, and then using the dialogue itself (plus certain punctuation) to convey various tones of speech. “Get out of here!” he said. (he’s angry and shouting) “Get out of here,” he said. (he’s insistent) “What do you want?” he said. (obviously asking a question, without using a redundant sounding tag like, he asked.)

I see other minor problems (my own personal issues perhaps) in this MS, but I see enough evidence of real talent to convince me that this could wind up being a publishable story. Twenty, huh? My God!

If you love writing (as I suspect you do) you’ll keep at it and inevitably improve. This is an impressive first novel.

The very best to you…
Rodney (Greendale)

Alannian and the sword of Azallyan is a Lord of the Rings type, high fantasy epic, with a cast of humans, dwarves and elves. Tolkein borrowed from Celtic, Norse, Finnish and Germanic mythology and the sword of this title, plus the hidden identitiy of the man of destiny in Alannian, suggests that the Arthurian myth might be a part of this.( as well as the historical Alan's of middle europe?) Opening with an innocent, childish game of hide and seek is cleverly done. The sudden drama of the hawk like shadow and the change in 4 year old Alannian is effective but I just couldn’t picture exactly what happened here. How can a shadow ‘collide’ with anything. It can pass through or over but did this shadow have more substance? Sentences like ‘words unlike anything Nyrel ever heard chanted’ don’t help in what could be a much more powerful scene. Later a ‘multitude of voices shout out of every pore’ is not realistic. Pores don’t shout. I think you should use Alannian’s own voice or the same place that the chanting came from. You have instilled a lot of powerful drama into a first chapter at the same time as introducing us to several main characters and this is to be applauded. Celiana’s deathbed scene goes on a bit too long for me however and there is some repetition. You need to sort out some of the phrasing and a few typos but most of all you need to ensure that the reader can ‘see’ everything that happens in every scene.

You have a gifted imagination and the talent for putting it to the written word. Young adults will love this story from what I have read so far. Backed and starred!

Liz

Hi Matthew

This is your BHG review. Please note that these are purely my opinions and may be used or discarded at will.

Pitch: The short one isn't compelling enough. I would also remove 'entire' as by merely saying 'the world' entire is inferred. I like th elong one. It could be neatened up a bit though. I also have an issue with the boy being the 'Incarnation'. Incarnation is the act of being incarnated. He would therefore be 'the Incarnate'.

Chapter 1: First thing, would you please change the font. I found this every difficult to read. Might put people off. This chapter is actually three chapters. I would move the second part after the hash to another chapter. It removes the impact of his parents death. The readers need a moment to react to this information. In this sentence: 'Alannian coughed and shook his small head, as if trying to wring water from his ears.' I would suggest removing 'wring' as you can't wring water from the ears. Try saying instead: 'as if trying to shake off the unexpected assailment.' Not brilliant but it gives you the idea. The first part is well written, it flows nicely but it does appear a bit rushed. You started of well paced at he beginning with the children playing, then you move a tbreak neck speed. Slow down a little bit and tell me a bi tmore about what's going on. I was a little bit confused as to why the Uncle was heading towards his parents when I had assumed his was taking the boy to the doctor. When he enters the room, I was a little bit condufed as to what was going on. Other than those few tweaks, excellent start.
Part 2: A little bit confusing. Where are they in comparison to the surrounding city and is Giluranda inside the meeting or having them shoot the arrows. I wasn't to keen on this chapter I must say. Needs some serious work with continuity and story wise.
PArt 3: Again remove the #. Each new paragraph is simply separated by a space. This was a nice scene which again could have slightly more added to it and neatened up a bit. Good start though.

Chapter 2: Nice. A good flow and pace. Needs a bit more tightening up on the dream sequence. Otherwise well done.

Chapter 3: Excellent chapter. You're writing improves as you go along. The only issue I have is that your character is not reacting in a realistic manner. I had the same problem with mine. When you find out that you have powers the first thing you do is freak out. And your work could be cleaned up but overall, a good start.

I hope this has helped you. You have the story now you just need to flesh it out in some places and neaten it up in others. there are also some issues with language but let's get the story right first.

Regards
JD

Thanks for the comment, Marj.

An engaging story and competently written. Magic and elves, but very human as well. I really liked the part 'What is it with women and table manners? It all goes to the same destination, no matter the pace.' (Quoted by memory, so not accurate)
It still needs some slight fiddling - I noticed a repeated word 'that that' or something of the sort, and sometimes, there was repetition too close, like 'he laughed,' and a moment later again, 'he laughed.' Minor points that gradually get cleared up in re-readings when they become apparent.
To be backed. Marj.