The King's Palace

So sorry you haven't been online for ages. I've started reading this and am really enjoying it.

The King's Palace. I see the significance of the cover, having read into the first chapter, and the colour is vibrant, like your writing. Your pitch is okay, but doesnt do justice to the excellence of your story and your way of writing.

I take notes as I write, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Wow! What a great, dramatic start. And it's just what used to happen to me when I awoke from nightmares.
Do you want some nits? I cant help noticing them, so here goes.
Try not to repeat words too close together: already (actually, you can safely delete this one entirely and improve the flow); baked, bus.
The present tense makes everything especially vivid, and I am there with you on the streets of London.
You can safely omit words like suddenly from your work.
I hope the narrator catches up with the admirer of her cartoons later in the book.
You introduce problems with consummate skill, keeping the reader wondering, and then dribble out the answers while posing more questions. Wish I were as clever.
Cant quite get who all the 'he's' refer to in the paragraph where her mum gets back on the phone saying her father cant remember what it was like to be young.
I love the picture of Aunty Kofo pursing her lips.
How can she know that Aunty Kofo is picking up a piece of chicken bone when Anu is listening through the thin wall?
I feel I know the characters, and cant wait to read on.

Ch.2. What an unexpected decision. I'm not quite clear about the timing, though. I know in East Africa burials take place as soon as possible after death - because of the climate. Perhaps that's not the case in the west?
You divert from the main plot, and although the story of Anu in boarding school serves to further develope her character, it does slow the pace, and I find myself skipping sentences and wondering when we're going to get back to the preparations for the funeral, and will Anu really sit her finals.
The story comes alive again with the dialogue, and then there's her puzzling but somehow natural beginnings of a rejection of Sean.

You write very well, with evidence of good technique in your plot. With editing (and we all need it), this should turn into a story well worth publishing.
Coming from Africa, I can relate to your characters, and have enjoyed the read.
Multi-starred, and back onto my w/list until I find a space on my shelf.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

D.M.,
Have read all 17 and don't really know what to comment on. The story didn't hold my attention for too long.
Perhaps there are too many layers? the dialougue was very realistic and moved the story forward nicely.
The 1st chapter i felt was the strongest. description and setting are well done.
sorry that it didn't grab me.
:(
Diane

Hey there

Really liked the opening of this. Felt so familiar with the London setting. and I studied at BPP too, so I felt like I was there. Your writing style is nice and emotive, so the moment when Anu finds out was quite emotional to read, and I liked her immediate responses - how else am I going to get home, why are they saying sorry - all deftly handled. My only criticism is the bold font, it really strains the eyes a bit. Otherwise this was a very pleasant read, highly starred.

Silva

Wasn't able to read all of the chapters but very much enjoyed the way the story pulled me in. A little slow at first, but as it gained momentum I found myself wanting to read it all. Great job!

Yikes - I am here to beg forgiveness. I just discovered that my Brutally Honest feedback is meant to be given only to those who have actually signed up to received Brutally Honest feedback. I would have written you a completely different note had I understood that. Please forgive this blundering newbie.

I read the whole thing!!! Lengthy comments follow, from the newest member of the Brutal Honesty Group,
- Audrey.

Plot – opening, narrative flow, momentum - Your plot is mapped out perfectly. Just enough time in London, creating Anu’s character and culture. (We could use an occasional remark about something she’s had to adjust to in the West….something really different we’ll encounter in Nigeria, perhaps.) The plot twist arrives in just the right place, and you spend just enough time with the denouement. Well done.

I love the scene where Moji and Anu arrive at the airport and talk with the men seeking bribes. Here in the US we know so little about bribes, which are used in many other places world wide to keep things running smoothly.
I would be very interested in more description of Nigeria. I don’t really know what Lagos looks like, and I read your whole book. How do the buildings differ from the ones in London? How about the sounds on the street? Smells? How about the countryside? What does Anu see as they drive to visit her family in the north?

I just read the end of chapter 7. Great plot twist!!

Pacing – too much backstory or too little? We do get a big bogged down in the early characters. Why does she need two schoolmates to talk with after the phone call? Do we need all the backstory on every relative? Give us only what’s necessary for plot development or characterization.

Characters/Characterization – I feel an automatic attraction to your character. She lives in a country outside my own, and is from a continent I’ve never visited. I like that she’s seeing a musician, knowing her parents may not approve. I like discovering that he’s a different race. I love the way you include her sketching so naturally.
I got a bit lost in the descriptions of Anu’s many relatives, especially in the early parts. In fact, I felt I was reading your actual biography where you felt you couldn’t leave anyone out. Does each character introduced have a role in the story? How do the characters help the reader understand Nigerian culture? I’d recommend pruning a few of them for the sake of readability – but keep the ones that help us understand Anu and her culture.
It would also be great if the reader could see a larger contrast between Anu’s adoptive relatives and her birth relatives. How are they alike? How are they different? How have the two families made her who she is? The art ability is a fabulous example of a case where this is very well done.

I also think it would be wise to show Anu with Hassan a few more times so that the reader learns her growing feelings for him. Otherwise Part 3 is a bit abrupt.

Point of View/Voice – It’s extremely difficult to write well in first person present tense. One of the values of first person present tense is the sense of immediacy and discovery it creates. Is that vital to your story? If it is, then give yourself a tutorial in writing in the present tense. Google the term “writing present tense” and see what you can find.

Style – Anu has a clear, strong voice. Keep that going.

Sentence Level - You enjoy playing with the language and you’ve chosen many wonderful words to convey Anu’s story. However, in many cases you put the interesting language in the wrong places. You need more action verbs. For example, “by the time I join her, the living room has been tidied.” How can you get rid of that “has been?” “by the time I join her, I see her handiwork. She’s stashed the ? in the ?, rinsed the dirty dishes, and fluffed my pillows.”
“The only person at home is Peter, her younger child. He is fourteen and coming to terms with puberty, with signs of a moustache and plenty pimples.” What about this? “Her son Peter, fourteen, greets us alone. Tiny, irregular hairs on his upper lip and cheeks and a scattering of pimples on his nose and forehead announce his entry to puberty.

If you were to do a search on every single verb of being, and then recast its sentence, your writing will jump off the page. Doing this will also reduce the wordiness of the story. “I wonder” is shorter and more powerful than “I am wondering.”

Dialog – Dialog in this novel is a great way to reveal Nigerian culture. I like how characters explain cultural examples when speaking. I can only say this: do it more often. And use more Nigerian slang. You can always have Anu repeat the most meaningful bits in English in her response.

Originality – I wish I could tell a story of an exotic location with customs different from our own. I admire very much that you can tell this story. The characters and locations are what will get this book published and read – so invest in them with strong descriptions and the sights, sounds, and smells of Nigeria. (When I travel back to the place where I was born, I get a lump in my throat just seeing the trees, so different from the ones where I live now. Smelling the sea air makes me cry; my late father used to say “ah, smell the sea air!” at a certain point in our drive to the ocean. As a child I didn’t smell anything. But as an adult, when I traveled that road again, and suddenly smelled the sea air at exactly the spot where my dad made his remark, big tears formed in my eyes and I missed him terribly.) Surely Anu will react to many settings with a memory of her parents.

I love the naming ceremony. It’s great to get an intimate glimpse into a world I don’t know.

Publishability – I don’t know a thing about publishing, but I’d say that the exotic setting gives this story a huge dose of ‘publishability.” We do not know as much about Africa as we should. Your book could help correct that.

More random comments:
When all the women arrive to cook food, I’d love to read a description of the smells in the air.
My German grandfather always said, “If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.” How interesting to see it used in another cultural setting! It’s a small world.
I also love grandmother’s advice to Anu about her love life.

THE KINDS PALACE
hullo DM. This is good with a fairly clear outline of the MC and where she is coming from and hopefully going to. One thing I spotted. you referred to a Toyota Celica as a 'jalopy' my spelling is off. I have driven a Celica, again the spelling is off, before and I think it is too sports car like to be considered a 'jalopy'. But, maybe things like that are different in the UK. Regardless a very good story and I will shelf as soon as possible. LLL

DM: I like this a lot. I have read the first chapter and dipped around in the others. It is smooth and literate, and I like the way you introduce your main character--her route around London, her skill at drawing, her studies, the boyfriend. Even the dream coincidence doesn't seem too contrived. In the first few paragraphs I noticed a couple of passive verbs that would be more effective as active ones. (I can't recall the first one offhand, but the other was "a detour was made" instead of just "I made a detour". But really, this is a good story and well expressed, from the samples I have seen. I can imagine it as a film. It has a very visual quality. I wish you the very best of luck with it!

oh
my
GOD
what a compelling 1st chapter ! :D that was absolutely... WOW ! i nearly cried when Anu heard the news that her parents had died ! :'( you captured that moment very well, and your sentences flowed like a river. Perfect ! Keep it up!

I've delved into the first couple chapters, and it's well detailed, and the main character has a solid voice, but I'm still searching for a solid catch. The original pitch gets my attention, and I'm intrigued at what the conflicting truths are, but would like a bit more a carrot. I do like your writing style. :)

I've read a few chapters so far, and I'm very impressed with your novel. The descriptions are crisp and vivid and the dialogue flows very naturally. Snapshots of Nigeriand and English culture are woven in here and there in such a way that they don't dominate the story. I'm curious to see (from the tagline) what will happen with Sean and Anu's parents. She's a very engaging character, as well. Really nice work! I'll definitely keep reading.

I really like this so far. I'm only a couple chapters in, but I was hooked from the beginning and started to care about the main character almost immediately. I like that we get some of her thoughts, especially when they conflict so greatly with what she's presenting on the outside. I love that she has unrealistic expectations, wanting strangers to somehow acknowledge her parents' dying. I think this adds to the realism.

This is a really good read. I look forward to continuing it.

Hi DM,

This is prose to my liking, well-crafted, good pace (could be even better with some pruning), great structure and flowing dialogue - the hallmark of a good novel. Anu is a character you have developed from your heart and it shows. Although several characters are introduced in the initial chapters, all of them are relevant to the story and criticisms apart, I suggest you leave it that way. Even in Indian stories like mine, there are many characters. That is because our society is built in that fashion - we have many people to contend with. All said, a great story with some strong social messages, especially about the harmony amongst the different races that inhabit this wonderful planet of ours.
I have rated it highly and placed it on my WL, soon to be shelved.

All the best to get it published.

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

I really enjoyed your opening and it had me hooked. The opening paragraph was an excellent portrayal of those irrational hours when your awake but tired. I then really enjoyed the contrast of the sunny outdoors in the following paragraph. Be careful not to overload sentences sometimes and not to let the dialogue take up too much of the page. These are small comments however because I really enjoyed reading your book and some of your images are fantastic, I particualrly enjoyed, "She spits out the liquefied bone residue into her left palm...". Rather gross but excellent use of language.

Best of luck,

Laura
Beneath The Blossom Tree

I feel the pain of the girl through your vivid descriptions. The MC is a pretty quite girl, but boiling inside. I like her conversation that is happening within her. That brings her more real to the worl. The first ch is very painful to read but you captured the girl's grief perfectly. I guess this will get more interesting in next chapters as the girl goes through emotions she had never felt before. So I reckon it will have an impact on her relationship with the white boy. Well written, good pace. Fully rated.

Good luck

This is a precious story. It is well written, and it touches the heart. Excellent job. If this was available, I'd buy it. I love the character, and the reality of all she's going through, and what her problems and emotions are. They speak volumes. I was confused on one point though--I knew she was in London, so I thought her parents and her friends were in London as well, but she went to them in Nigeria. Did I miss a detail? If it's something not clarified, it'd be a good thing to consider.
This a beautiful story, and I thank you. Keep up the good work. I'll pray that you become published soon.
If you feel like it, I'd appreciate any comments you might have for my book, Alexis.
God bless you!

--Shieldmaiden

DM, I believe you've captured grief and that tragedy that becomes almost comical to perfection. Anu's voice, written in rarely wonderful first-person present, adds so much to the disorientation one feels, while at the same time the determination to do what one must do comes through in admirable style. Then we have the memories, and the little backstories of her friends, the boarding school, how Anu met Sean, which act almost as if a relief from the pain of the present, Anu telling us what life had been like for her. And after all the endless probings by relatives, who of course take it upon themselves to take over this girl's life, feeling now it's all their business as is their only too real want, the reader longs, together with Anu *...for a speck of light. It must be waiting for me at home*. Poignant words.

Anu lives and breathes off the page, and if the relatives in Nigeria are all Aunty Kofi-bred, we are in for a feast that must surely give Anu the strength to live her life as her beloved parents wished. To rebuild the Palace.

Anu's sketching is a delight, a wonderful piece of her character that adds to her clever. law-student being. She's counterbalanced by Sean the musician, and it'll be interesting to see what becomes of their relationship. You show enough of him before Anu goes to Nigeria, for readers to feel for him, wonder about him, and hope for her.

I agree to a certain extent what Katie says (below this comment) about the pitch - but only really with regard to the short tag. It should be a little more dynamic - have a little more *oomph*, if you will! I love the last line of your pitch so much, I can only suggest something like *A young woman is told 'When a king's palace burns down, the rebuilt palace is more beautiful'. Heartbreak and betrayal become her ruins to rebuild*. Just a suggestion! I love the long pitch, including the excerpt!

I look forward to reading on when I can, even with the painful memories that might bring on a personal level - but at the same time, that's what funerals do, make everyone laugh with stories to tell of what Auntie so-and-so said and did, for years to come... and of course, knowing the parents are up there laughing, too. Then, we must go on Anu's journey with her, and will her on to succeed. As I am sure you will succeed with this story.

Highly starred and on my shelf already -

From Kay with love
(Waystation to Prosperity Street) .

i don't think your long pitch is doing justice to your writing. i'd cut the excerpt in the first paragraph and keep it to telling us what the story will be about. the assumption that dealing with the death of one's parents 'shouldn't prove difficult' seems oddly unemotional. it's unclear from your pitch that the mc is an adult living away from her family.

your opening chapter is full of visual descriptions that help me picture the activity and draws me in. the environment is interesting. i get fewer visuals on the mc. i loved getting a glimpse of her internal thoughts- 'who cares about the car?'- and wish you gave more of this. i love the external stuff, but a bit more internal insight would balance it and help me feel more invested in the story.

good luck. thanks for the read.

Hello DM
I enjoyed reading this, but I would sort out the formatting to ensure no one is put off. I know it’s relatively trivial, but sometimes it does detract from the more important issues. Overall, I think you have a great storyline, and your style is engaging. However I wonder if you could make the text a little more taut, to advantage? I daresay you’re already editing (who isn’t?), but often removing words forces one to make the prose more punchy and increases the pace.
Overall though, I liked it and am more than happy to back it on the basis of the considerable potential it holds. Good luck.
Rheagan Greene - Unwelcome Consequences (2/3)

Early impressions are that the writing style has pace and immediacy, drawing the reader in very quickly to Anu's world and situation. The characters are well drawn; very human and believable. Anu's reactions to the events and people around her ring true - her emotional numbness and grief following the news of her parents' death is particularly well observed. The attention to telling detail in the locations, be it London or Nigeria, adds immeasurably to the story's sense of real events observed. Anu's drawings are a neat touch.

- The King's Palace -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

I have enjoyed what I’ve read here. The writing is quite tight, polished and impressively literary, the narrator sympathetic and there are some very good observations of grief and in particular the discomfort that people feel around someone who has suffered a loss. The “Didn’t you just speak to them yesterday?” line is a very skillful and unexpected deployment of humour.

That being said, I think I would have liked to have had a little more of Anu’s reactions and feelings. I could sense her disorientation in the way she interact with her friends upon hearing the news of her parents’ accident but, as she is the narrator, I would have expected this to come across a little more. Although, I did think using the first person present is a good means to displaying this disorientation as it allows the writer to let images and feelings flit through and past the narrator in a way that other POVs don’t.

As the story moved on, with Anu dealing with her relatives and ready to make a journey home, I definitely had the sense that this was to be a journey of discovery for the main character and from what I have read I have faith that the author will be able to manage that character development successfully and in a satisfying way.
Another thing I particularly liked was the author’s ability to flit back and forth between time periods within chapters, giving anecdotes on things that happened in the past as they occur to the narrator. This gives us some of the most enduring images in the chapters I sampled, e.g. the ‘bumping scene’ or the nightclub scene where Anu met her boyfriend, and it also adds a depth and richness to the story.

Some nitpicks….

Chapter 1:
- ‘bag pack’. Did you mean ‘backpack’?
- ‘teenage-looking girls’. I’d imagine just ‘teenage girls’ would provide a stronger image for the reader. Here I started wondering what this meant. Where they actually teenagers or younger/older girls/women who simply looked teenage. I’m getting incredibly pedantic here, I know….

Chapter 2
- I couldn’t quite picture what a ‘zig zag circle’ was in the ‘bumping’ scene.

So, good stuff all round. Any nitpicks and minor crits can be ignored at will since I’m only a novice who knows next to nothing about writing anyway.

All the best with it,

Ross

I was brought into the story today as if I hadn't been away--and this, to your credit. I picked up at chapter 6. I love the idea of drawing one's grief. I just love Anu's voice. When every one is vying for her attention, offering to take her from the funeral, their varied approaches and her reactions are billiantly conveyed. The interchange with Bab Ade, again, well done. In the telling of this story of mystery and conflict, there is an underlying beauty in the prose. I will work this onto my shelf as soon as I can.
Brava,
John

Your writing is captivating. The story heartbreaking, as Amu, the young Nigerian woman aged 25, lives in London in order to go to Law School. Written in first person, present tense, the story moves quickly with a sense of immediacy, which appears very apt.

Amu gets the horrendous telephone message from Nigeria, that both her parents are killed in an accident. How the author deals with Amu's emotions, is realistic, whilst also keeping Amu a strong and resilient person.

I have read the first chapter, which kept me on my toes, wanting to read till the end. The style is simple yet powerful.

There is just one thing I would question in the first chapter, which is in the last third of the page, that doesn't sit well with me:-

"Aunty Kofo cajoles me to eat something .....It's to die for ...."

This sentence just doesn't sit well considering that Aunty Kofu is talking to Amu, who has just lost both her parents. Unless you are planning to make Aunty Kofo the kind of person who is known for saying the wrong thing. It just seems that it is the last thing that would encourage Amu to actually eat ....food "to die for".
Just a thought.

Well done. I will put this on my shelf, as it is most deserving.

I would like it if you would take a look at one of my books and let me know what you think.

Best wishes
Marilyn

hello D M Olley
The Kings palace-

Read first four and then a few more in the middle of this book
Got totally wrapped up in Auu's story and her life in London and in Nigeria.
finding it to be a most engrossing literary read, extremely well written in a flowing style.
Her reflections and her family, and more, the cultural difference is interesting and enjoyable to read'
i give it six stars and i know that it will do well. it deserves a high ranking.
tom bye Dublin Ireland
from hugs to kisses'
please glance at mine if you have time thanks

Because my schedule does not permit it, I was not able to delve far into your book, but I have two comments to make from what I did read. First comment: Grammatically speaking, your book is very well written. As a matter of fact, your work should be ranked higher than some of those that are currently in the double digits. Because the ones that I did read that had double digits were awful.

Second comment: While your writing is awesome in a gramatical sense, it could use a bit more imagery. For example:

You wrote __ A short, bearded man with thick-lensed glasses alights from a bus, carrying a pile of books in his arms. He walks towards the university with his eyes fixed on the ground. Just as the bus moves off, he looks up and waves frantically. Luckily for him, the driver sess him in one of the mirrors and stops.
(And I read farther than this, but I'm using this as an example.)

With a bit more imagery, it would sound like __ A short, bearded man wearing thick-lensed glasses atop his broad nose, hops down from a bus. A pile of books are balanced precariously within his arms. My eyes continue to follow the individual as he walks towards the bustling university with his eyes fixed on the freshly swept sidewalk. Just as the bus begins to inch away, the guy looks up with an alarmed expression on his face. He turns back around to face the bus and waves frantically, nearly dropping the burdensome items in his hands. Luckily, the driver sees him in one of the mirrors and comes to a sudden stop, causing the large automobile's brakes to squeal loudly.

As I said before, this is just an example. Only you can paint what you see in your mind. But with a bit more imagery, it increases your word count (which you actually don't need), and it helps teleport the reader into the world you are painting. And if you're really good, the reader becomes stuck in your tale and doesn't want to put the book down. After all is said and done, I think you have a really good tale there and I'm putting your story on my watchlist. I intend to come back and read more in my spare time.

The King's Palace is a thoughtful tale elegantly told by author D.M. Olley. The entire novel is populated by believable yet unforgettable characters that all seem to have a life of their own, personalities and motivations. The dialog is particularly good, which is a perfect compliment to the strong characters.

The main character of Anu Olumide is a wonderful creation. She’s a modern girl with deep roots in her native Nigeria. When her parents die, she ends up getting forced into a sort of adventure back to her native land. The descriptions of Nigeria and the people there are vivid, and contrast greatly with the more western world she has chosen to live in previously. Her reactions to this new/old world are realistic and fascinating. Given that readers have likely to have already fallen in love with Anu, it makes sense that we are pulling for her just when she needs it most. Ultimately, the book is even inspirational, which is always a nice way to complete an epic journey.

I think The King's Palace could find an appreciative audience once published. It’s the type of literary fiction that can be appreciated by book clubs and also be a cozy read on summer holiday at the beach. And those do not come around very often.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Great story! I love the narrative and I love the fact that you chose Nigeria for the setting. Not many books
are written based in Africa. I read one other one that was based in Africa. It was good too. Of course this is my favorite genre, so I liked it before I started but once I began I was intrigued. It flows well and is very descriptive. Thanks for swapping with me and letting me read your wonderful story :)

T.L. Doutrich
Lilly and Thomas, Throne of Pidl

effective narrative and dialogue work together to make your book a fascinating read...
on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

This book deserves to be published. It has been written with love and compassion. The story needs to be
told, and I am certain it will be appreciated by many people. There is little that I could add to the comments
that have already been made except to mention that I concur with those which have high praise for the work
you have done. I have put it on my watchlist and given it the highest possible rating.

I really like your story - the plot is really interesting. The main character is well portrayed and likeable. I also like the way you set up the fact that she lives in London and has a white boyfriend but has all this family abroad - she is modern and savvy and trying to reconcile that with her family and background. My only comment is that there are many places where I feel like the language is a bit too simple and could be made more dramatic with the exclusion of certain phrases. To take an example out of the last paragraph - "My mouth is feeling even drier now." Is enough to say. You don't need the rest of the sentence. You have to trust your reader. There are many more examples like this - though it really had no impact on my loving the plot and story.

I wish you luck with this.

All the best,

Rena (Bunderful) - Master of the Miracles

D M,
I read the synopsis to The King's Palace and knew I had found a treasure. Anu is a sympathetic protagonist who has an enthralling story you relay to the reader. In the first chapter, I found the dream sequence mesmerizing in how you paint such vivid images with words. "Hand in hand with my father, I was standing on a hilltop admiring the beautiful scenery of wild flowers dotting the grass-covered landscape." I can never remember having such a vivid dream and it was a pleasure to read your lovely descriptions. There is a mysterious element to the storyline which is alluring to the reader who can be caught up in the suspense of a work of fiction. It's so important in holding the reader's interest throughout a long narrative and I clearly see it in this one simply from reading the synopsis. The King's Palace is a very imaginative account set in a place I've never been, but was pleased to visit it in your story.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

While I found the opening disappointing and it didn’t grab me, I am glad I pushed past it because this is very good writing. I felt I received and education into the culture while almost becoming friends with your realistic characters.
This is not a book I would have read of my own choosing and that would have been a loss. This book had left its story permanently in my mind. Few books here do that, so I think I can easily say I enjoyed it.

really lovely and captivating book. I liked the insight it provides into some parts of the culture and traditions of Africa. Will be recommending this to my friends as a good summer read.

I found the bold font was quite hard to read and follow, as it made the text look like it was in huge chunks. However the story itself and the writing is fantastic! I'll definitely be reading more - the end of chapter one is heartbreaking, she's lived alone for four years!

Great job Olly, I like the way the story engages the reader. I love the part where she has that dream before she indeed knows of the tragedy, it could very well happen like that. One suggestion can Anu call her Grandmother something else, you know maybe Grandma.

All the best!

Your story is interesting with a good flow. It must reach bookstores.

Hello, D.M.

I found your book whilst browsing the categories. Your premise is something I would read.

First I'd like to say, that you have a good, strong voice. I like your writing. But then, there are some points I feel you need to work on. First: the opening drags and is utterly boring. Yes, she wakes up, yes, she travels through London. That's something many people do.

Why not begin directly where the action begins? Start with the phone call she receives. That would make me listen up. Also, don't introduce too many characters. It's her dad's brother and her aunt, don't introduce them by name, for the reader has too much to digest.

And finally: if you write dialogue and address a person directly, please use a comma, ie. 'Hello, Mum.',
'Hi, Rita.', 'Not now, Anu!' And get rid of the bold, it reads rather difficult :-)

Good luck, I'll be reading as time permits.

I enjoyed chapter five today. The charm of: We both clapped for me. The familiarity of: Babs for short. And a sense of the plot thickening. Will come back for more.
JBC

Wow, the first chapter is quite long. My initial response is two-fold: vary your sentence beginnings, particularly the pronoun "I", and be careful that the narrative does not turn into stage directions. For example: I opened my eye, then my other eye, then I breathed, etc.

Your pitch sounds like the book has potential but it doesn't grab the reader by the neck.

Hello,
I read through the first three chapters and I really like what you have. I think that everything you have in the first few chapters is very believable for someone going through a loss. I like how you move Anu through many different emotions to show her grief. My mother died when I was a teenager, so I remember what it was like dealing with pushy relatives. Anu's reactions seem spot in the second chapter when she must deal with her family coming to visit with her. I really enjoyed your ending to the third chapter and just the way that you present Anu's character throughout what I read. She comes off as a shy dreamer and your descriptions of how she sees the world really reflect that. It's an interesting story. Good luck with it.
Sam

Hi DM,

I love the premise of your book - a foreigner and learning of a tragedy at home. You've created a compelling main character. I think you're a talented writer and you have a really interesting story to tell. I wish you all the best with it.

Dear Olly,

To me, it would be revelations that can depict betrayal; betrayal leading to a broken heart; broken hear to death; death. Therefore in order of importance or your short pitch would read: Revelations. Betrayal. A broken heart. Death. Aha?

DM,
I found "The King's Palace" truly inspiring, mainly because of Anu's character. Going back to her ancestral home in Nigeria she confronts the despair and hardship of her origins she'd been shielded from by her adoptive parents. And she comes out intact, ever stronger, more determined to forge a future for herself and her family with a solid foundation in love and acceptance. Your use of the present tense kept me in the moment, immersed in the resulting pseudo-reality. Thank you for confirming my faith in the human spirit.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The Nort Korean

I've only read the first chapter and I enjoyed it! I can really feel Anu's pain.

I'm not usually big on first person point of view but Anu's voice transported me along through this whole chapter. I loved the details about the food and culture, and look forward to reading some more.

In the fifth paragraph of chapter one you left the t off off the word thought.

Hello,

At the moment, I've only read the first chapter and I plan to read more. I really do like your plot, and I thought it was well written. With this mind, I have some suggestions that could improve the story even more, but of course they are just my opinions :}. You did a wonderful job of describing the setting and characters, but there was one more character I thought that needed a tad more detail: Anu. For example, What brought her to London? Was it just Law school? or was it also to leave Africa? What was her old life back in Africa? Did her aunt support her coming to England?Why didn't her parents come with her?

Now is a possible time to educate the reader on her background. But other than that, I don't have any other suggestions for chapter 1. Good job :}

Hi DM,
What an auspicious beginning you have here. First, a character we can easily connect with. I immediately liked Anu. Then, a well-pace revelation of her changing situation. The conversation with your aunt was well done. I liked the description of the men carrying the soiled mattress--I can see that your prose will take us on a rich journey.
Nit:
Personally, I don't mind--in fact, I rather like--adverbs. But they seem out of fashion today. So, with our opening lines being so crucial, you might consider omitting 'lazily' and 'immediately' here. Try reading it aloud without them and see what you think.
I intend to come back and read more and to rate then. Great start, this.
Best,
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Hi DM,

I love the premise of your book - a foreigner stranded in another country and leanring of a tragedy at home. You've created a vivid and compelling main character. I do have a couple of suggestions. I think there's a bit too much detail in your descriptions - her opening her eyes in the morning, her fellow students. I also found some of the dialogue a bit stilted; I think you could tweak it a bit to make it sound more like regular casual speech. Just some suggestions, to take or reject as you see fit. I think you're a talented writer and you have a really interesting story to tell. I wish you all the best with it.
Andi

D.M.,
I backed THE KING'S PALACE today. If you will would you please take a look at either of my two novels, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND, for your possible backing, your help will be appreciated.
Thank you!

Dwain-Thomas