The Return to Avalon

I really like the first chapter. The dream is a nice touch. What I like about it is the nice details you give. I could really picture it. What would you think about putting it in italics, just to make it really pop? Just something to think over. Awesome pace and I'm looking forward to seeing how Jason develops throughout the book. Good luck with this!

Ashley
"Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket"

I like how the book started. Left me asking questions Like what is the red eye and what do you mean born in the fire of Legend. All in all, I am a big fan of the arthian legends, having grown up watching or reading about king arthur, his knights and Merlin. I believe that this book has what it takes to add to the richness of the lengends. Keep up with the good work and can't wait to read the rest of the book. :)

Here are my comments. Please note that they are just my opinion, so are to used or discarded at will. I'm also British so my language may not always be the same as yours. I will therefore avoid commenting on grammar or spelling unless I know that it is absolutely incorrect.

Pitch: I have yet to read a pitch I like (including mine). Yours needs more punch. Maybe have something along the lines of: 'Humanities survival rests on the return of a legend.'. I like your long pitch but it needs a bit more. I just don't know what.

Chapter 1: I might just be the only one but I'm finding this font hard on the eyes, particularly since I'm reading it on a screen. Times New Roman or Arial seem to be the best.
Relished in it? Shouldn't that be revelled in it?
This sentence doesn't make sense: 'Jason groggily threw on his clothes and slowly went downstairs to go for his morning routine before school.'.
Do you mean he goes through his morning routine or for his morning run?
'faded to fall': faded into fall?
'That was probably because, and this was a thought that had occurred to him many times, it was never an issue for Jason.' The use of the name indicates that the sentence id referring to someone else named Jason. It's his thought so the sentence should be: 'That was probably because, and this was a thought that had occurred to him many times, it was never an issue for him.'
'I’m sorry sir' . Sir is considered the same as a name and the norm is to place a comma before sir. 'I’m sorry, sir.'
“Yes sir.” same here. “Yes, sir.”
this may just be a UK VS US thing but I have noticed a lack of comma's where a pause is needed. Such as:
“Oh and Mr. Campbell?” could be: “Oh, and Mr. Campbell?”
Overall, I really like the start of your book. The writing is solid and a part from the spelling of honor, I would have said you were British. The use of language is superb and engaging. I got to know and like Jason and Mr Emryss is pretty creepy which makes me think he is Merlin. We haven't yet been fully introduced to the rest of the characters per se but this is about Jason. I get the feeling that Sheila is Morgan-le-Fey.

Chapter 2: Is this really necessary? The end of the last chapter was perilous enough, this kind of removes that terror for me. I know know that the threat is a 'man' whereas before there was more suspence when you think he may be a thing.

chapter 3: I really like chapter 3 but it seems to be missing something. I'm not sure what though. Again good solid writing and with the man in the suit I do think there would be a bigger sense of peril is the second chapter was removed.

I only have time to read the first three chapters but overall, I really like this story. i shall be returning for a further read. Well done.

JD

The Return to Avalon
Hi Ryan, just read your first chapter.
In the first paragraph, it would be better if you showed rather than told.
Take out the him and he and just show the scene – it will be apparent that it is a dream when Jason wakes up.
The rest is fine, but I would change the format – I use book antique in The Rose of Gildvadane, it is much easier on the eye.

You seem to have a good story to tell, I shall read some more.

Troodo.

It's like someone coming up to you and saying you're really the Queen Mother. That would be creepy for a teen or anyone else for that matter.
God story, good plot, wonderful characters :). High starred and put in line for the shelf.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Read the latest 2 uploaded chapters. The Merlin/ Jason (Arthur) relationship continues to develop. The Redman in the lake is an intriguing thread. Original and up to date reworking of the greatest medieval tale.

This is quite a charming and modern retelling of the Arthurian legend. I hope to see more uploaded.

Read the 7 uploaded of this fantasy tale of King Arthur reborn as our MC Jason Campbell in an American high school, with Merlin as a school History teacher who keeps him out of harms way/ the clutches of those on the side of evil until our MC loses a protective necklace. There is a clear story arc here and Jason and Mr. Emryss are good characters. However more depth of characterisation is required to his aunt and uncle and to gf sheila. Some of the dialogue could be improved.However the tension is slowly mounting and we haven't even got to Avalon/found Excalibur yet. I willread on as more is uploaded.

A reincarnation of Arthur and a retelling of the sword in the stone and the story of Merlin/ the Round table is a good idea. The themes are timeless after all. I liked the start of this. Jason Campbell is shaping up to be a good MC and if Merlin appears as a the power of nature which he was this could do very well indeed. One to watch for me.