The Blood and the Fog

HFGR on ‘The Blood and the Fog’
Didn’t like the cover - surely there are more lively representations of Boney that you could have used? A great ‘what if’ idea for a book though. A one-armed, one-eyed French gendarme chasing plotters in a pre-Dickensian London sounds like an original tale to me.
Long Pitch - This tale will stand and fall on the character of Jacques D’Archembeau and let’s hope that it’s not his sword arm that he has lost! But surely Marshall Ney himself won’t actually be alongside him in this hunt?
The chase of the mystery man is a great action start although I would have locked the first two sentences into ‘He knew he was a dead man’ or some such. Also at the end, after he is shot and falls to the ground is he still on the ground when he is bayoneted? The physical choreography of this scene is a little hazy. Perhaps one verbal clue, a shout of defiance as he dies perhaps, which at least tells us his nationality (I assume he is English) would add to the intrigue. However the atmosphere you have created is top notch with this opening.
Intrigued that you start the tale proper in Greenwich with mention of the Naval Hospital there. As a young surgeon at St Thomas’ Hospital, I was for a time the ‘Dreadnought Registrar’ a post funded by the accumulated funds taken from the wages of seamen for centuries and used to fund the naval hospitals. My recollections of that time led me to consider your ‘Jacques’s trousers’ which although a mouthful is the correct usage. Unlike my old stamping ground, which was originally named St. Thomas’s Hospital, the singular possessive as you have followed. It is only recently that the Hospital has reverted to the plural possessive ‘St. Thomas’’ on the grounds that Thomas Beckett and Thomas the Apostle both have a place in its history.
Archambeau’s character grabs me straightaway in this. Observant, quick witted and quick to anger perhaps? The mannered conversation with Marshall Ney is as authentic as the architecture you describe. Nice touch that Armagnac as is that Moet champagne, long before Chandon intruded. I was disappointed with the burgundy though. Couldn’t they have savoured a particular vintage? However the hilarity of their drunken antics in Queens House made up for the lapse. You have succeeded in introducing us to both men’s character by the end of this chapter. Would have liked to hear how he fared in fighting against ejection from that inn. It would have given you the opportunity to inform us of the extent of his disability and his frustration with it. Or perhaps he is still pretty handy with one arm? Having ended the chapter with the confrontation about to occur, odd that it is suddenly back story.
The action moves along at a good pace and the streets of London and the interior of St. Thomas’s Hospital in Southwark are resoundingly authentic. Great writing in the autopsy scene which of course every investigation such as this needs to have. You maintain the high standard of your dialogue as he questions the soldiers involved in the opening shooting but the medallion/necklace is clearly a clue of importance and I can’t picture this from your description. Anyway it’s great stuff and should be doing better on the site than it is. One that I’ll be happy to come back to.

Nick - the read I promised - believe this is a History Crit. I always advise people I've never published not have any literary training so feel free to deal with my comments as you wish. I do love HF though. The synopsis is an intriguing one. I'll say my natural instinct is negative if only because Napolean could never have defeated the British. You've a reader here am afraid with some pre conceived ideas!

Nice powerful opening.The thicknessof the London fog adds an immidiate menace and the power of your writing really grips the reader. All 3 bayonets piercing his heart? - maybe a bit too much, but more than enough to tug me to turn the page.

Chapter 2 and you introduce the reader to d'Arcambeau. Nice opening but I felt the use of the phrase 'dumb luck' somehow didn't meet the period and setting. Too much modern America for me. Technical point about the sentries. If they were in the field they would have no choice but to accept the rain. However in the safety of a building any half decent commander would want them fit and alert and would not place them outside. But those are minorpoints - this does read well.

Then into the meeting with Marshall Ney - excellent,and some nice touches here.You're playing on the variances within French culture, Breton with Corsican and the political intrigue that would induce. Dialogue works and I'm getting a sense of the characters working for me.

Another comment - 'lobbed' - perhaps English slag that didn't work for me. And Tunbridge Wells as the scene for a decisive battle? That made me smile and cringe at the same time. But the story is there and flowing nicely.The body and the missing objects offer enough intrigue to keep us reading here. I'm enjoying this.

Felt the story slowed a little with the bar fight and not sure he would have placed himself in that position, or the English would have let him leave alive, but the intro to his butler again is working and adding more depth to him. Some nice touches with the entry into the room - would avoid the word 'fuck' and perhaps replace it with merde - just a suggestion.

The ride to see the body reads as well as the previous Chapters. The scene is there and we are there with him, but perhaps it's a repeat and pace has slowed. Consider some editing there - this is a murder mystery and I want to know where that story is going. The mortuary scene I felt you rushed through. Description of the body and the intrigue with the letter 'M' all good, but Jacques would want longer there and so do we as the reader. Great work searching through the clothes but perhaps longer time with the doctor,and I'd like to know more about Jacques thoughts at this time. Why is is here? Why is Ney involved?

The trip to the docks - again slightly too long but the introduction to the French east Indies - ouch that hurt! They were of course in India before/as we arrived so some historical potential there. You've some nice dialogue and I now realise that's what I would have enjoyed seeing more of in the read until now. It's short and simple and importantly works.

But best of all your story is working and the intrigue continues. I've accepted, albeit reluctantly, the premise that somehow the British Army lost to Napolean and am enjoying this murder/mystery as I've no clue, yet, where it's going. Can't help asking whatever happened to Wellington - Waterloo may never have happened but Old Boney would have remembered Spain and Portugal - but I digress.

Chapter 4 and the right time for some background on Jacques. I've come to like him and he has real potential. I do feel your descriptive wiring is excellent but slightly overpowering your still excellent use of dialogue. The results is the supporting characters are not quite as strong as they could be. But a good read.

Nick - overall a really enjoyable read and one with strong potential. My only real thoughts are the balance between dialogue and descriptive writing. Excellent MC and a very intriguing story. Best. Steve.

HISTORICAL FICTION GROUP REVIEW

Your short and long pitches are good. They tell us at once that we are about to read an alternate history and, for me and many others, set in period of great interest. The cover picture is good but perhaps it might benefit from something British behind Napoleon?

Plot is good and it kicks off with action and intrigue at the very outset. From there you move from scene to scene to introduce new threads and intrigue for the reader to follow. You make good use of things English and French so that the reader realises he is in a new and very different historical world.

Characterisation is good and you use a good mix of real historical figures and your own fictional creations. You work hard to impart the little foibles and mannerisms that can make them come alive. Jacques is painted as a wily and complex individual. Dialogue is credible to the period without sounding either too archaic or contemporary. Perhaps the balance between dialogue and narration could be improved and you could utilise speech to impart more of the plot.

Narration is good and you often display a nice turn of phrase or flourish of words to add colour to your writing. Your biggest flaw at this stage is an overuse of redundant words – ‘the’ wind, ‘the’ rain, ‘the’ thick fog – in many instances you will find ‘the’ is unnecessary. Oozed (up), out of breath (, puffing and wheezing), catching up (with him), catch (him) up, The smell of fresh coffee pervaded the ground floor (of his house). In each instance, the bracketed words could be omitted as the other words convey the same information. This may seem petty, but when applied to the whole piece they would make a real difference to the flow. The same advice was given to me a year or so back and I found it made a real difference.

Overall, this work drips with promise and it is exactly the kind of book I would buy. I will watch its progress with interest.

Best wishes,
Linton

He was a dead man. He knew it. Stout legs ached as he pounded across the cobbles. Thick fog oozed from the river and spilled over the streets and alleyways of Shad Thames. Dozens of squat, silent warehouses leered down at him through the murk. To his left, the Pool of London. The disembodied mast light of a merchant ship glowed sullenly and, somewhere, the sound of a bell wafted.


Totally ignore of course but this is a good story and deserves working on. :)

Cool. finish it up, very readable.
thanks,
Tom Hafer
Wellplanet
Well Village

A very interesting premise and I look forward to reading more. Only my opinion but I find the first chapter has too many adjectives and, instead of enhancing the story, seem to clutter it up. You will, I'm sure, get various views and continued good editing will help the story flow much better. I will be surprised if this doesn't climb the rankings. On my shelf. Good Luck

Had a read over this and interesting to see that period form the 'enemy's' point of view! Cleverly done and another 'what if' of history. Original and well written. WL and starred, regards, Mark

Nigel Fields said it well. Your work is impressive and smells of success. I can't wait to read more!
Best,
The Eyes Have It--but call me Rosa.

John,

Many thanks for your very kind comments, and for your two pointers. I agree with you on both counts, and it's for exactly this reason that I joined this web site.

I look forward to reading Walk to Paradise Garden. I certainly love the Delius piece with a similar name!

Best,

Nicholas

Nicholas,
I've read all you have here and am highly impressed. First the nits, only two and quite minor. When Jacques and Marshall are having their first conversation, Marshall says how the Emperor has a lot on his plate. This phrase pulled me out of the scene. It may have existed back then, but it jarred me nonetheless. Perhaps the more neutral phrase, a lot on his mind, might keep readers like myself where you want us. Then, when Jacques is resting in his parlor and gazing at a portrait: My godfathers, he thought. This felt like authorial intrusion, as if merely meant to inform. Were you to add some attitude towards it, like: My dear godfathers, My valiant godfathers, then motivation seems more natural.
Okay, back to well-deserved praise.
Your premise is fantastic. Chapter one excites, sweeping us along very well. I enjoyed the interactions of Jacques and Marshall (Unable to maintain the pretense any further . . . then speaking of his title: if only I could pronouce it). Loved Marshall's decor--all of your descriptions are well done.
I really liked Pelet and again the natural interchanges, and I became hungry.
I'm proud to offer this fine work 6 stars (I usually offer 5 to those I like).
Best,
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)