The Warrior Twins

Great job! The mystical powers that the twins possess make your book very intriguing. I want to know more, like what else can they do, why, and will they go back to Guatemala. Also, your writing style s very clear and clean. You add nice details of their gestures and what they look like that don't seem unnatural and really let you picture it. Once I'm at my real computer, I'm putting this on my shelf!

Maria,

I have read the first three chapters of the Warrior Twins and I saw the first hint of what you are trying to do with your book - promoting unity with all those who fear and revere the Creator God - the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. I commend you for writing an intriguing story to be used as a peaceful avenue for achieving understanding and harmony between Christians, Jews and Muslims alike.

I found your story non-threatening and simple in it’s delivery, making it appealing to a wide audience - which is exactly what you want. In just three short chapters you introduce a miracle working set of twins, a villainous couple, and four men of faith who make up a diverse and interesting cast, that promises to unite in the fight against evil. Highly starred.

Dianna Lanser
http://www.authonomy.com/books/37204/nothing-but-the-blood/

I found just one little mistake:
“Ian, you should have seen yourself when you were kneeled (kneeling?) beside(s) that man’s body…”

I find your story to be strong and interesting until this last section. The horde of angels might seem to non-religious readers to appear out of nowhere, previously unconnected to the tale.
It's reassuring for children that 'all's well that ends well' after the dangerous conflict between good and evil. Also, children would love to think that they could control life's perils with innate spiritual power like that of the twins in the story. Maybe the part about the angels showing up just needs to be stretched out so that it's more plausible. Early on, the twins could give information about that phenomenon somehow.
Good luck with your manuscript, fellow writer!

I'd omit the first sentence of this last paragraph, Maria. It's already been said.

Ooh! Plenty of suspense and smooth writing as well.
Since, in the sentence about the parish in this chapter, you wrote 'anyone else' as a subject, and since 'anyone'
is singular, you need IS instead of 'are' to follow it.

Thanks for your comments! I will look into this, Katerina calling them guys. I'm glad you're enjoying it.

I'm really involved in your story. It's shivery almost all the way.
You wrote that ian disliked being called a kid but didn't Katerina call him and Mia 'guys'?

I'm really involved in your story. It's shivery almost all the way.
You wrote that ian disliked being called a kid but didn't Katerina call him and Mia 'guys'?

Still enjoying your story. It feels suspenseful as it moves along smoothly.

This is a very creative story that you've put out for us all to enjoy. I've had a lot of fun reading it tonight. :)

After reading the first four chapters, I'm engrossed. The story moves smoothly, with suspense and mystery. The first chapter is not so easy-flowing, though. One reason is unnecessary repetition or explanation in numerous places. Another is that a few details would be preferable to all that appear in the first paragraph if you want the reader to stick with your tale. Finally, the religious theme is so strong at first that it could put off a non-believer. Gradually, situations beyond angels and so on complicate the death of the neighbour and make for the possibility of a great story. Maybe you need to get into the thick of the plot faster. Anyway, it's looking good and I'll keep reading.
I hope that in return you'll take a try at my novel 'Grow, Edna!'.

Excellent first chapter!! Will certainly keep on reading.

Hello Maria
Well, I thought your book had some interesting and exciting bits but a bit gory for children -maybe teenagers or young adults. It may be a good plot but I think it still needs developed however you have a nice flow and dialogue is good. I'll read more when I get a chance-perhaps you'd take a look at mine if you have time-it's a completely different style though so be warned!!!! It's Help! I swapped my mother! Debbie Richardson. Good luck

Wow. Just finished the first chapter and I am completely impressed. You are a very talented writer with good word usage and perfect sentence structure. Everything flowed. Great job. 6 stars. Blessings, Lacy

Maria,

Your pitch is enticing and I literally fall in love with your book as soon as I start reading the opening chapter. Wow, what a great idea! Very beautiful!
I’m really worried about Ian, I feel the deepest sympathy for him. I’m so intrigued by your idea of a boy bringing a dead man back to life.
I love the first paragraph of chapter 3 – what a fabulous way of introducing characters! So they both know that Ian and Mia have gifts. Well, I’m so eager to know if they’ll go to New York that I’m going to read another chapter, which means I definitely like your book, Maria :)
I read the chapter with bated breath and especially liked the ending – there might be dangers on their way – what a great hook for the reader to take a look at other chapters! Well done! This is a compelling and beautifully written story. I’ll definitely six star rate it and I wish you the best of luck with it!

Kindest regards,
Ivan Amberlake

Very interesting and creative book congrats!!

Very interesting and creative! Love the name choices!!!!!!!

Congratulations Maria!!! Good luck.

COOL!! You will always surprise me with your creativity and dedication to detail!!!

María, congratulations for sharing your time and knowledge in this wonderful book. I will share it with Mar. Good luck!!!

Congratulations, Maria , excellent book

The Warrior Twins
Fiction 3rd multiple

I've read through Ch 2 and will only comment to that extent

Premise, a 14 year old boy serves as a carthesis for a miracle, bringing a man back to life through the use of prayer and is thrust with his family into a battle against evil.

The hooks are set in the first chapter to grab the reader's attention. The pacing through Ch 2 is dynamic. But Ch 2 lacks a hook at the end of the chapter. It might be better posed as a question. She wondered if his life would change ... Thus the reader too will wonder and will turn the page to find out.

Mechanics: very strong. There are a few issues with dialog tags breaking the flow.

POV, 3rd distant with narrative keeps the reader distant from the characters. 3rd person is fine if the author brings the characters to life and shows rather than tells. For example in the last paragraph of Ch 2. The statement; Donna was overwhelmed. Instead of making a flat telling statement, show how the events affect her. Does her stomach get tight or is she light-headed? She felt disoriented. What does this feel like? She was thinking many things at the same time. What things?

Characters: believable and likable. I like the name choice. You must have read Echo! In Echo, Donna is Ian's sister (in a sequel she adopts a child - thus a mother figure). In Echo, Ian is one of the MCs (yes, a christ figure). The name "Ian" means "forgiving God", so this is an excellent name for your character. :~)

Overall- good start! I think it needs some polish, but the dynamic pacing and the great premise will carry this book far.
Raechel
Echo

The Warrior Twins
Fiction 3rd multiple

I've read through Ch 2 and will only comment to that extent

Premise, a 14 year old boy serves as a carthesis for a miracle, bringing a man back to life through the use of prayer and is thrust with his family into a battle against evil.

The hooks are set in the first chapter to grab the reader's attention. The pacing through Ch 2 is dynamic. But Ch 2 lacks a hook at the end of the chapter. It might be better posed as a question. She wondered if his life would change ... Thus the reader too will wonder and will turn the page to find out.

Mechanics: very strong. There are a few issues with dialog tags breaking the flow.

POV, 3rd distant with narrative keeps the reader distant from the characters. 3rd person is fine if the author brings the characters to life and shows rather than tells. For example in the last paragraph of Ch 2. The statement; Donna was overwhelmed. Instead of making a flat telling statement, show how the events affect her. Does her stomach get tight or is she light-headed? She felt disoriented. What does this feel like? She was thinking many things at the same time. What things?

Characters: believable and likable. I like the name choice. You must have read Echo! In Echo, Donna is Ian's sister (in a sequel she adopts a child - thus a mother figure). In Echo, Ian is one of the MCs (yes, a christ figure). The name "Ian" means "forgiving God", so this is an excellent name for your character. :~)

Overall- good start! I think it needs some polish, but the dynamic pacing and the great premise will carry this book far.
Raechel
Echo

What an interesting and brilliant storyline and I just love the twins characters so much. Very different from my 14 year old daughter.

I just noticed something : On page 3 "of course sweetheart. Take your time. Take your time," Dolores said. Did you mean to repeat "take your time"? If not then that is no problem.

Rated for now. And i will be backing new books very soon.

green h
through green's eyes

I greatly appreciate your comments! I did repeat "take your time" on purpose, although I'm not sure if it sounds right to the reader. I will certainly go back and revise it.
Thanks so much for backing my novel!
I have added your book to my WL and will get to it soon!

What an interesting and brilliant storyline and I just love the twins characters so much. Very different from my 14 year old daughter.

I just noticed something : On page 3 "of course sweetheart. Take your time. Take your time," Dolores said. Did you mean to repeat "take your time"? If not then that is no problem.

Rated for now. And i will be backing new books very soon.

green h
through green's eyes

The Warrior Twins.
By Maria Briere.

I can only say that this is a wonderful story…two children with the ability to perform miracles.
And what a good start to your book…Ian Warrior, a fourteen-year-old, bringing back to life a hanged man by cutting him down from a tree and praying over him.
You give out some very good description of the event…the struggle to cut him down…his friend Doug watching, seeing the Angels as Ian tries to bring the stranger back to the land of the living…with success.
There’s quite a lot to this story, Ian and his twin sister being adopted from Guatemala are already known to have healing powers by a few…well that’s how I see it.
Dolores, and Hugo Acevido, know quite a lot, I’m sure of that and with the arrival of the reverend Paul Jones on the doorstep…things are about to hot up. Great stuff!
I’ve only read to chapter four but will get back to this enticing read.
In the meantime I’m pleased to give it many stars and will shelve it when I can…It’s going to do well.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Excellent story. Loved what I read so far.

The beginning of this is emotional and packs of a powerful punch. I like the reciting of the Lord's Prayer, and I wonder if it would be more effective if you included the entire thing? Just a thought. It might be too much for kids to get through; I'm not sure. And I got chills with, "the man whom Ian had cut down and prayed over rose and embraced his family (by the way, you don't need a comma after over). This is a solid beginning. In fact, I remember this previously starting with chapter 1 when you first joined authonomy, and I think the new start is a better hook. Nicely done!

Once chapter 1 begins, I like the premise you've established, and you have great characters. And in chapter 2 when we meet the kids, their interactions are believable and realistic. I think you could work a bit more bickering between the twins. I think this would make a nice brother-sister dynamic.

This is really well-edited. Beyond the occasional typo, this reads smoothly and cleanly.

I do have a few suggestions for you to hopefully help make this stronger. In the preface, it's a little difficult to imagine this. It's hard to see him walking out on a tree branch and "cutting the rope." What rope? How is he able to walk across the tree branch? Is he balancing himself? Scooting himself out? Then he's suddenly on the ground giving him mouth-to-mouth and looking up at the man's wife. With a little clearer description, this will be much easier to imagine. Though I enjoy learning about where the twins came from in chapter 1, it begins with a sizable infodump. Consider opening with conflict and working this information in that way.

Right now, it reads more for adults than kids. At first, I thought Ian was an adult. Though my students at school would be interested in the premise based off of the pitch and the preface, there's no real hook to keep them engaged in the first chapter. I'd consider reworking the start of chapter 1. In fact, I'm not sure why you couldn't just start with chapter 2? I don't think we need a whole chapter about the adoption when it can be worked in that they were adopted in chapter 2. It was also a little confusing how the preface appears again at the end of chapter two. Why not just start your book with Ian running towards the tree and continue on to chapter 3? I'd ask yourself if you really need everything before that. This would make for a gripping start that jumps right into the plot and avoids the infodump in chapter one.

Minor typos: There are a few things wrong with the first sentence of chapter one. First, it's just six-month-old. Leave out "year." Also, your prepositional phrases are a little mixed up. I'd reword to either, "As six-month-old babies, the twins were brought to Texas." Or, "The twins were brought to Texas as six-month-old babies." You might also consider rewording and saying who brought them to avoid passive voice. "Gary and Dona Warrior took in the six-month-old twins."

Despite my nitpicks, I love this story idea. There is a ton of potential in this storyline, and it's extremely marketable. The writing is already strong, and if you consider reworking the beginning, I think you'll have a winner here. I'd love to see any changes you make. Just send me a message. Good start, Maria!

Congratulations Maria!

Luzmi, thank you for your kind words!!!

I am sorry, I had a hard time understanding where to write my comments...Maria, to began reading your book was so amazing... as I was reading the words, I was picturing you, telling me the story, the narrative is so bright and vivid and engaging! Congratulations...I will keep on reading more! I am sure Pietro at age 12 as well as Giuli would have loved to read the Warrior Twins!

I am sorry, I had a hard time understanding where to write my comments...Maria, to began reading your book was so amazing... as I was reading the words, I was picturing you, telling me the story, the narrative is so bright and vivid and engaging! Congratulations...I will keep on reading more! I am sure Pietro at age 12 as well as Giuli would have loved to read the Warrior Twins!

Thanks a lot for your comments! They have been helpful!

Maria, I realised that I had not backed this book???? Apologies - have read more and will continue, it's very interesting.

Regards

Deborah (Heavens Children)

Thanks so much Deborah!

Maria, I realised that I had not backed this book???? Apologies - have read more and will continue, it's very interesting.

Regards

Deborah (Heavens Children)

Maria, this is such a beautiful concept and well written novel! I am so proud of you; it is obvious you put a lot of passion into this and I am sure it will be rewarded!

Hi,
Initial observations: the beginning paragraph is very blunt and straight to the point. I'm not sure if this grips the reader in the way you intended. Then, the next three paragraphs start with "Gary and Donna". That phrase is repeated too much in the first chapter - try mixing it up with various synonyms and pronouns.
Next, please read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wind_On_Fire <-- I read these books years ago and they sound similar to yours. I know your idea is original, but to stand out to publishers and agents you have to have something super unique. Your idea is strong - stick with it but know the competition.

Your initial chapters have a lot of "she said" "he said" and in further edits I'd encourage you to see if all of them are really necessary, For example, short answers are usually self-explanatory.

I'm a little confused as to who your market is. By the cover, I thought this was a children's book. Your pitch made it sound YA but the content in Chapters 1 & 2 is quite adult - which leads me to suggest a young character in an adult novel probably won't captivate the reader. I can proven wrong on my accounts, of course, but usually the age group reflects the reader.

Anyway, like I said, your idea is strong but the target is hazy. The idea is reminiscent of several books about magical twins and even Return to Witch Mountain - which isn't to say that it won't work but you should just highlight the differences more to make it pronouncedly different. It's kind of like those Antique hunting shows. You could find the rarest and most expensive thing ever, but if you don't have a buyer, then you don't have a buyer. Stick with it, and good luck.

I've just read chapter 2 and thought I would comment before going on so that I can refer more easily to the text. I'm glad to see that the essential element of the book, i.e. the twins supernatural ability appears at this point because it is the critical hook, an expectation for which you set up in chapter 1. This chapter then becomes crucial because it shows how Ian first encounters his strange power. In view of that and also because it's easier on the reader, I would recommend you consider making this whole chapter through Ian's viewpoint. At the moment you switch from Ian to Donna to Mia. With such a critical chapter you might consider going through it and work out the essential elements and the order in which it should all fall.

In the opening paragraph you're giving a general sense of the two. You might consider the opening sentence and reword it to be a little less awkward to something like: "Mia had the self confidence of someone older and was in the seventh grade, two years above Ian. " Then you can drop the section where you tell us that Ian isn't really excited about school, etc. because you show us in the next section and that's always the aim. "Showing" rather than telling engages the reader more. As the twins are getting in the car or getting ready for school that's when you can tell us about their uniform and incorporate it into some action. Like "As Ian got into the car he noticed his a slight stain on his green pants and quickly checked that the white shirt of his uniform was clean. He looked over at Mia's emaculate uniform jumper. She would never get in trouble for a sloppy uniform." This not only tells that they wear a uniform (exact details aren't important unless it's critical to the plot) it shows the reader a bit of Ian and Mia's character.

The conversation with his mother could be tightened as well when they're discussing his friend's trip. "He went on holiday to Guatemala with his parents and I want to hear about it" for example. If you drop Donna's viewpoint you can tell us at a later point her concerns and desires, either in a conversation a twin overhears or if you decide to do Donna's viewpoint in a later scene. Since the twins are the focus of the story you might consider staying with them for the viewpoint.

In school you have a brief scene with the new teacher, Mr. Donovan. This scene doesn't really seem to have a critical position in the plot (but maybe later on it does). If it doesn't, you could easily summarize it in one brief sentence and get us out to the school yard where the real action occurs. Spend time on that since it's so important. Build a little tension with Ian as if he watches everything in slow motion and then zoom in with the rescue. Really all that I've suggested is some restructuring and a little tightening up. It continues to be an intriguing read and I'll certainly be back for more. Kristin

I've only a little time today and read chapter one but I wanted to give you some comments. I'll be back tomorrow and read on. I like the premise of your book and the narrative tone has something a little different to it that I find intriguing. There's a slight sense of magical realism that you've already successfully incorporated. I wonder, what age group are you aiming for- 9-12 year old or 13-15 year old? The reason I ask is because some of the language and tone are a bit old for the 9-12 old, yet your mc are ten.

What you might consider is to open with Gary and Donna going to Guatemala to adopt and then pick up the ten year old sequence later. The two opening paragraphs with them at ten seem to hang a little bit, otherwise. The other aspect you might consolidate their reasons for adopting into the scene of their arrival and tighten it up a bit. You might include why they chose this convent and how they heard of hit since it wasn't official. Other than that I enjoyed your first chapter and just thought you might re-word one sentence to: "When Gary and Donna arrived, the nuns knew THE MOTHER'S IDENTITY in only two of the forty nine children under their care."

I'll be back for more. Kristin

Maria, this is an interesting read and I enjoyed the first chapter. I'm now wondering who the nurse is and why the twins are so special. Will read some more later when I find time in between my essays.

Good luck!
Regards
Deborah

I greatly appreciate your comments!

Maria, this is an interesting read and I enjoyed the first chapter. I'm now wondering who the nurse is and why the twins are so special. Will read some more later when I find time in between my essays.

Good luck!
Regards
Deborah

En hora buena - Maltiosh! Digo, Maria... :)

Maria congratulations.

Hi, I just read the intro... very intriguing indeed! I can't wait to read it!! franca

Hello Maria, You have a very outstanding narrative voice and describe your surroundings nicely. (Now the Critique)The only negative thing that stands out in the first chapter is you start too many paragraphs " When Donna or When Gary". Take those out. There are a couple chapter's when you see this in a row. Other than that you have a very promising story and I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks for your critique! I will certainly go back and look for those paragraphs that start with "When Donna" or "When Gary".

Thanks so much for your comments Brian. Now that I go back to those first two paragraphs you mention, I believe your are right... I should start with the tale of the adoption. And I will also try to trim unnecessarily long sentences. Thanks once again!

The long pitch of 'The Warrior Twins' suggests an engaging, imaginitive fantasy. The opening chapter describing how the twins were adopted from a guatemalan orphanage,is intriguing. We know that the mysterious and beautiful Nun,Katerina, will be returning further down the line.Mia and Ian have healing and clairvoyant powers, first demonstrated when Ian succeeds in saving a hanged man's life. Tellingly it appears to be prayer, rather than resuscitation attempts which are effective. It is an effective tale and the pitch suggests a colourful adventure to come.I would certainly read on.
A few questions that arose for me were
- why those first two paragraphs at that point? Why not start with the tale of the adoption?
- Ian's voice in particular, a little too adult at times
-some long sentences which could be trimmed back without losing the sense of the text. eg one ending... street merchants and busy streets.

The long pitch of 'The Warrior Twins' suggests an engaging, imaginitive fantasy. The opening chapter describing how the twins were adopted from a guatemalan orphanage,is intriguing. We know that the mysterious and beautiful Nun,Katerina, will be returning further down the line.Mia and Ian have healing and clairvoyant powers, first demonstrated when Ian succeeds in saving a hanged man's life. Tellingly it appears to be prayer, rather than resuscitation attempts which are effective. It is an effective tale and the pitch suggests a colourful adventure to come.I would certainly read on.
A few questions that arose for me were
- why those first two paragraphs at that point? Why not start with the tale of the adoption?
- Ian's voice in particular, a little too adult at times
-some long sentences which could be trimmed back without losing the sense of the text. eg one ending... street merchants and busy streets.

Hello Maria, You have a very outstanding narrative voice and describe your surroundings nicely. (Now the Critique)The only negative thing that stands out in the first chapter is you start too many paragraphs " When Donna or When Gary". Take those out. There are a couple chapter's when you see this in a row. Other than that you have a very promising story and I wish you the best of luck.