Lakam

Hey MP, I don't know anything about Phillipine culture at this point in time, only that they are very Christian now. I'm sure you did your homework and it shows in the detail of your writing.
This is very polished and I barely found any mistake to point out. You tell your story excellently and are very descriptive, painting a very vivid picture. Really, you barely leave a detail out in your descriptions. It's enough for an artist to draw a likeness just from your words. Some may say it's over done, but well, I've realised it depends on the preferences of the reader. Patient as I am, I found myself skimming through some of it.
I love your characterisation of the clergy of those days, arrogant and hypocritical, hiding behind the Church as validation for their atrocities.

Only found that error...
"a brief giggle from her that the Datu to turn to her frowning"

Intriguing story so far & I rated it highly.

Edwin - The First Oath

Hi, M.P, Great idea to take a less well-known part of the Spanish Conquest--fascinating culture and events. Where you have dialogue and action the writing is very good, the tension building up between Lakam's village and the priest is well depicted, as is Joaquin's inner conflict and that between him and the priest. Sometimes descriptive passages get overloaded with adjectives and adverbs, and once or twice (e.g. the (water) 'kissing the shore') verge on cliche.
A few nitpicks: 'Actually just a big house' could be "Just a big house by Iberian standards, . . .huge.' 'Actually' slows it down a bit.
When Joaquin is imagining making the wilderness into a garden and likening it to 'civilizing' the islands, it would have more effect if you let the reader make the comparison, rather than having "Just like the conquest . .'
"When do I get to leave?" sounds like modern US speech; generally the dialogue is appropriately timeless.
Very interesting story. I plan to Watchlist and read more.
Anne.

I find the writing strong and the story credible--well researched and outside the main-stream of Western subject matter. I did find the cruelty of the priests versus the possible humanity of the Spanish soldiers an intriguing twist as in the few books I have read on the subject it is the other way around. Nevertheless, I will back this in January.

*WARNING: this is an extraordinarily long comment. I've read shorter drug store novels. >.< Sorry!*

I think you have a great story here, and (if you’re like me) I’m pretty sure you get the feeling sometimes that it could be stronger. If I might, I’d like to take the liberty to point a few things out. This sort of thing has helped me SO much, and I hope it helps you as much too! (Please keep in mind that I’m horrific at offering improvements, so please forgive me if I seem too squirrely!)

~The foreigners’ boats on the water~
The way you have the word Ominous set apart from the rest of the text is poetic, and I would like to see you keep that writing style and develop it. I wonder if the impact would be greater, though, if you were to compare them to something Lakam knows is ominous, like the fins of sharks or maybe even an infection—something that would imply imminent threat?

~dark grey clouds~
Saying that they’re harbingers *might* be a) redundant and b) supplying too much. It might be stronger if you were to leave off the part about what the clouds symbolize, since you already hit it home about how the foreigners’ ships were bad news—let it be one of those details about the environment that harmonize with the point you’re making.
Also, what if you were to describe the clouds themselves a bit? Maybe mention that the undersides boiled with turbulent rain, or that she could hear the low rumble of thunder, or that she could just see the flickering fingers of lightning, touching the sea (or ground) with erratic judgment? The random destruction of lightning was very much like the invasion she’s experiencing. Also could be a neat addition to your foreshadowing element!

~A Copy/Paste Idea!~
What if you were to shift “Lakam…solitude” down beneath the paragraph describing her village, thereby going directly into the village description immediately after mentioning the clouds. It might add to the sense of the village’s vulnerability, since Bai is also a character (as I read more, it might become even more of one). I can see what you were trying to do—interrupting her reverie with the messenger—so there are ways to keep it like that, too, if you want. I don’t know. Fool around with it, see what you think. I’ll tell you one thing, though: these are the things my husband (and co-author) has pointed out to me, and I must say: after the initial freak out, I found that he was completely right. Now I heart my delete key. :D

~Sentence Fragments~
These little guys can be your best friend or your worst enemy, and there’s nothing in between. When you’re after a prosaic writing style, they’re an awesome way to pull your reader deeper into a character’s mind, but there are other times that incorporating your fragment into the previous or following sentence would work better. For instance, “Those who had recently come…A matter that puzzled…” could be merged together to read something like: “The more recent visitors puzzled Bai’s warriors, however; it seemed as if they would rather cook like boars inside the gleaming metal armor that seared their delicate skin.”

~Flashback Sequence~
The part where Lakam remembers being nine should probably be written entirely in past perfect tense; i.e., “she froze in her tracks and turned to look at her uncle” should be something like “she had frozen in her tracks, turning to look at her uncle” or something like that.

~One last thing…~
Maybe consider breaking your paragraphs up a bit? Big ones can be daunting to little eyeballs, which is the standard eyeball size of most humans.

***Again, I’m not a critic, but I just wanted to point these things out to you, because I would want them pointed out to me. Hopefully my approach wasn't quite as rough as being hit with a brick, as I try to wrap the brick in something soft, like marshmallows.***

Here’s the neat thing: your eyes will become trained to identify places that need more punch, and your creative mind will start spinning as to how to do that. Heck, I’m still finding snags in my own m/s. (I probably will after it gets published, too, if and when…) Anyway, I love your writing style, and I don’t know if it was intentional, but the prosaic pragmatism in Lakam’s thought processes is realistic, exactly what I would expect from a 15th century islander—excellent for the genre.

I’m giving you high stars. This is rich with potential and it has a lot of promise, and I’ll be checking back for revisions…which, if you’re anything like me, will be many. ^_^

Hana Bathir
Sea of Jasmine

PS: Thanks for the sweet Christmas wishes! Merry Christmas to you, too!

Dear Everyone!

I just want to wish all of you and your families a very Merry Christmas and looking forward to a New Year where many of you become published authors!

Thank you to those who have looked at Lakam and to those who have asked me to look at their manuscripts, I look forward to reading them during the holidays.

Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noel, Maligayang Pasko, Buon Natale!

The prose flows almost like poetry in the first few paragraphs. i like the way you have used such a beautiful setting to introduce flashbacks that truly set the story.

The depth of your research is impressive and gives such credibiity to the story.

Tension rises as Lakam and Datu face Teniente Vasquez..

The plot is fast paced and holds the attention . Loved the minutaie that gives a richness and colour to the prose.

'Tiny holes appeared in the sand.'

Lakam whispered to a disappearing crustacean.'

This is a rich story that absorbs and delights.
Backed and starred with pleasure.

.

You've certainly done your homework on this one! I've not read any books about the Conquistadors and this has certainly opened my eyes. Lakam's plight is both moving and inspiring and her life amid the ruins of the world she knows is heart-rending. You've studied and developed character, setting and ambience and it comes together perfectly. I would love to see this made into a book. Best of luck.

Jack Hughes

Harsh but entertaining journey into an unknown (to many) world.

I love the book i lived in spain for several years and not much is written on the destruction of the south americas.
i enjoy reading history and fantasy keep up the good work.

Your opening line of your first chapter is interesting: This land, my home, has ceased to be mine." You have an interesting story line beginning and a good pacing, along with some interesting voice coming through. If I have some extra time I would go through and pick out specifics that I like, but sadly I do not. I wish you the best of luck though and just continue creating an interesting world.

highly starred and considering backing.
Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

This is an excellent story, a vivid adventure with a great m/c. A part of history which is real and believeable. There are one or two mistakes, and it needs a little editing - you tend to write in the first and second person in the same sentances, but otherwise it is very well-written; Good luck.
On bookshelf and w/l.

Kate Grimes -LIZZIE - CUPPA TALES - TALES OF WILLOW GREEN -ANNIE

Dear All,

Thank you for putting Lakam on your watchlists and bookshelves. thank you too for leaving comments. To those who have requested that I read their books, I am reading all of them. I'm just kinda slow leaving comments at the moment due to a personal crisis. Not to worry. I'm getting there!

Lakam

Short pitch: There is always a problem, as I’m sure you are well aware, with obscure references that most people will not recognise. So you are right I think to help the reader out immediately by explaining, even in the short pitch, who your hero is. It makes me ask though – how important is it that the term ‘babaylan’ gets introduced in this pitch? In general I think it’s better to keep the short one as short and grabby as possible.

Long pitch: Then you do an extended explanation in this pitch. I actually think your story is better advertised by starting with the sentence ‘It is 1607…’ that got me really interested and will catch the historical fiction audience. I would put that first and then work in the bit about your MC as part of the sentence in the third paragraph that starts ‘Headstrong…’

Main text: Great beginning. You clearly have a potentially excellent writing style. Your metaphorical sense is appealing. For example, ‘skippered by ghosts’. What you need to do here is edit for all those usual problems that beginning writers have. So I recommend ‘serial edits’. Pick one kind of problem and go through all the text just looking for instances of that problem. It means more than one go through, and it’s deathly, but writing is the easy part. Editing is where the work is. So, what do you need to look for?

Right in your first sentence (p2) you repeat the word ‘coconut’. It’s redundant – the reader knows that if a coconut ‘fell with a thud’ then it fell from a coconut tree. See? ‘Word repeats’ are a common problem in all our writing. The only way to get them is that edit. So, in that sentence, calling them coconut trees is unnecessary.

Your sentences tend to be too long. It’s easier I think if I show you. Forgive me for re-writing your words but here is what I mean for p2:

“A coconut fell with a thud on the soft grey-brown sand as the strong breeze rustled the palms reaching for the sky. Waves, heralding the coming tide, smashed against the rocks of the cove before reluctantly retreating. The village’s balanghais, anchored some distance away, danced back and forth on the water as though skippered by ghosts. Other boats………” Notice how the fact that balanghais are boats is obvious – an idea reinforced by the very next sentence.

At this point I encountered another problem worth mentioning. Is the fact of the pre-dawn leaving important? If it isn’t leave it out because it makes that sentence unwieldy. And I realised that I didn’t know who or where the men were – it reads as if they are on those distant boats, which can’t be right.

I think you have a very good idea for a story here. Historical fiction people love descriptive stuff and, as I said, you clearly have a flair for beautiful imagery. Keep up the work!

Hi, Nice story. Therefore I've backed your book. Perhaps you could return the favour and back mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrith. If you do, many thanks. Best wishes, John.

Lovin' it :-)
Happily backed.
jim

Really really interesting read. Love historical anything - you do terrific with the genre.

Blessings!
Jim

The first thing which attracted me to your writing was the beautiful setting descriptions. I was there walking on the beach with Lakam.

The sentence which starts – A coconut- could be tweaked further still. What's that saying about action followed by consequence? The wind rustling the leaves would have been better before the falling.

The flashback to Lakam's past in the jungle was well written, but it took me too long to realise you were in flashback so I got a bit confused. Might help to make the start of the memory more clearer.

Worlds apart and in different centuries, but the common denominators of our two stories – pagan versus Christianity and the healing woman and the priest – hasn't failed to amaze me.

Foe me one of the most important things about writing history is bringing the past to life with your words. You Mia, do it beautifully and I wish you the all the best with this book.

I read your first chapter. I will continue on though as this will be going on my WL and when I shuffle my shelf around I will try and find room for you. I am not sure why this book is at least not in the 100's. I may write for children but I love historical fiction. I also have a Bacelor's degree in Spanish Language/History/Literature, so much of this rang true for me. Of course, you put in some flourishes but we all do as writers. That opening line gave me chills. A feeling of something that was yours and now is not. Really great introduction. I also like how you start with her growing up on this island, learning to walk in the cove, etc. It makes the reader feel connected to the place, before the Spanish come and change everything. Then you go into religion, which I'm so glad you are touching on. Cultural genocide is something that has been a hot topic due to religious "take overs" ever since the Spanish started this practice, or they were in part to blame for the practice. Scholars debate this though....Anyways, back on topic....I just loved it! 6 stars!

Ashley