Fresco

I don't read horror. Mostly that is because so much of it is poorly done. Not the case here where your murders are gruesome enough to have been crafted by a fiend from hell. Incinerating an old lady and boiling Katherine to death. Oh well, I guess as Hollywood has it 'Some Like it Hot'. 'Father' Nicholas was just the right macabre touch and an unknown Giotto that draws sinners inside its fabric? Exquisite. Of course you have told us up above that this is something other than horror yet we are nearly at Chapter 87 before we are quite convinced of that statement.

I am sure that the auto-da-fe crafted by Claude and Matthew for the denouement is no accident since in it the fires of hell at last lay claim to their own.

The story and the atmosphere of that story are credibly done and both conspire to lead the reader, torch in hand, onward through mist enshrouded passages. You paint scenes with the deft touch of a master, and I am sure that Giotto di Bondone would be proud. I even glimpse a touch of Poe, (quite beyond your gratuitous reference to the pendulum, I should add.), as this story opens.

'...Damnation Fresco' is an excellent book S.L., eminently readable and in a cross genre that you have made uniquely your own.

Best wishes, RT

I read your first two chapters six months ago. Today I read chapters seventeen through nineteen.

General comments: Three intriguing chapters. Spot on characterization. Strong sense of place. Excellent tension. Crisp pacing.

Specific comments on the seventeenth chapter:
1) "She chuckles. "Not quite. It is a warning." Remove the quote mark before 'she.'
2) "I am sorry Alexandrela." Comma after 'sorry.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases in this chapter where someone is addressed but you didn't offset their name or title with commas.
3) "The patron of these frescos's ... " Frescos's (plural possessive) should be frescos (plural).
4) "The angels do not look too impressed," I smile. Period after 'impressed.' You can't smile dialogue.

Specific comments on the eighteenth chapter:
1) "Y-y-," he stammers. Consider replacing the dashes with ellipses ( ... ). Use an ellipsis for hesitation. Use an em-dash for interruption. Since stammering is hesitation, using ellipses seems appropriate.
2) 'Brother Thomas stands on a stone to the right of the Fresco.' 'Fresco' should be lowercase.
3) "you know the answer to that mister Pierce, don't you?" Put a comma after 'that.' As mentioned above, when you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. Also, capitalize 'mister.'

Specific comment on chapter nineteen:
1) "maybe we should forget about this Matthew." Comma after 'this.' As mentioned above, when you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

I hope these comments help you further polish these chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a marvelous day, SL.

Al

Ch 9 Not disappointing, strong to the end.

There are several places where 'form' is written instead of 'from'.

Top notch, should be on the dditors desk quickly.

Natasha, many thanks for your great support and positive comments. As a fellow author I am sure you appreciate how rewarding it feels to have people enjoy the book. I look forward to catching up with your intriguing historical mystery.

Thank you again.

S L Stockford, Fresco.

Up to Ch 55: Commendable piece of work comparable to Dan Brown's. THe author maintains suspense and intrigue throughout. I'm not an art historian and have no idea if these works of art referred to are even real and it doesn't matter because the author writes with authority as if he is. He is also fluent in French and Italian cultures- once again appears to be- and this lends authenticity to the overall work. I've not finished with the book but it definitely needs to remain on my book shelve and everyone else's until it hits the top. I look forward to seeing it in stores.

Up to Ch 55: Commendable piece of work comparable to Dan Brown's. THe author maintains suspense and intrigue throughout. I'm not an art historian and have no idea if these works of art referred to are even real and it doesn't matter because the author writes with authority as if he is. He is also fluent in French and Italian cultures- once again appears to be- and this lends authenticity to the overall work. I've not finished with the book but it definitely needs to remain on my book shelve and everyone else's until it hits the top. I look forward to seeing it in stores.

Ch 26-34 Continues in same vein, excellent work.

Ch 17-25 Balanced, well-paced, keeping the suspense high. Excellent so far. Highly recommend so far. I hope I am not disappointed in the end.

Ch 8-16 Still very strong,engaging story; excellent intrigue. A few minor typing spelling errors; ex: not 'hopping', like a bunny, but should be 'hoping' like wishful thinking.

Ch 1-7 Excellent, well-crafted beginning, professionally written, through the first seven chapters. I do believe this will hit the editors desk as it should. BTW the author needs a second person to edit, there are some missing words, just a few. Not distracting, just left out at last re-write.

Stunning writing.
The flow of the story is excellent and the pace is just right.
The decriptive prose is sparse like Hemingway, but the narrative pulls you though as it should.
The MC's voice coes through loud and clear.
The story is interesting and there is a clear hook at the end of the first, the whole chapter posing a good story question.
Like it.
Backed,
best of luck with it.

Fresco is a unique book. It’s got a nice scary underpinning that could find a home in the horror genre, but is written more like a mystery novel, which is a refreshing twist. Other than perhaps Stephen King and Dean Koontz, few people can do pure horror very well. Not even the King gets its right every time. So author S L Stockford smartly decided to pen Fresco more like a thriller with heavy horror elements. It works very well.

A big strength of the novel is the storyline involving a fresco that may or may not be from Giotto, and may or may not be causing the horrible deaths of people connected with it. This is buttressed by some of the most realistic dialog that I’ve come across in a very long time. Every character speaks perfectly based on their social status, the current situation and the others in the room. We learn a lot about their motivations based on this dialog, which is a real skill on the part of the author not having to rely solely on narrative to accomplish this task.

I greatly enjoyed reading the chapters that have been posted here. The descriptions are pleasing and sufficiently macabre, yet Fresco is a cut above the standard hack and slash horror tale. I believe that many people would enjoy reading Fresco, even those who normally shy away from the horror genre.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

I read and commented on your first chapter three months ago. I reread Chapter One and read Chapter Two today.

General comments: Two dynamic, sinister chapters. Clever plot. A credible main character. I care what will become of Matthew. Accomplished imagery. Effective tension. Captivating pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) The Scottish Maiden they called it. ... ' Put an opening quote mark before 'the.'
2) 'I smell her delicate, sweet perfume.' When you mention an aromatic item, try to characterize the aroma. What is the dominate smell in Marie's perfume. Lavender? Sandalwood? Mint? Lemon? When you characterize aromas, you will pull the reader deeper into the scene.
3) 'How about coffee and brandy in the library Tony?' Comma after 'library.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name with a comma. There is another case in this chapter where you address someone in dialogue, but don't offset their name or title with a comma.
4) An excellent end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'So how can I help you Tony?' Comma after 'you.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem in this chapter.
2) Marie forces a laugh, 'Perhaps we can ... ' Period after 'laugh.' The only time a sentence of narrative that precedes dialogue is punctuated with a comma is when that sentence is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). 'Marie forces a laugh' is clearly not a dialogue tag, so the sentence should be punctuated with a period. There are more cases of this type of problem in this chapter.
3) 'Tony, I am certain I would have offered you a service even ... ' Consider replacing the ellipsis ( ... ) with an em-dash. Use an ellipsis for hesitation. Use and em-dash for interruption. Since Tony interrupts Matthew, an em-dash is appropriate. There is another case in this chapter where you have used an ellipsis when an em-dash is appropriate.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at my new book "Savannah Oak" and let me know what you think of it?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

This is an excellent story. Very detailed, intelligently structured and with good clear voice. I think this will make an outstanding novel and I'll back it as soon as I can, best of luck.

Jack Hughes

SL,

Enjoed the first part of your novel. I usually make notes as I go. Mostly they are about the parts i had problems with, where I stumbled. There wasn't much, because his was clean and enjoyable. These are the notes I took.
---
--was happy to learn the word gurning. We don't use it in the US. In fact, my autocorrect keeps changing it to turning.

I hope by the end of the day I get the image of the judas cradle out of my head. Yikes.

New York drawl-- I think of a drawl as a slow lazily speech pattern from the southern US, like mine, but unlike NY.

Chpt 2 missing a closing quotation mark 'Vicky will be . . .proves themselves.(')

--lightening stab and everything goes brilliant white, my face goes cold. -- I read this and the following sentences multiple times. At first, I wasn't 100 percent sure he'd been hit in the face. First of all it came as such a surprise, which is a great thing. And second, although it's been a very long time since I've taken a punch in the face, cold was not the sensation I remember. From the scarlet, I assumed he had been struck, but I did have to stop and think about it which briefly took me out of the story.

--. . . carrying a small machine gun. Yes, a small machine gun." I loved this because i read the first part and said to myself "What! a Machine gun? Then laughed when the second part came. So while I like it and think it is fun. I question whether an editor would have you take it out, because it seems like you are talking directly to the reader, if you would have been doing this the whole time it might be different. Just a thought, I am NO expert, so it may be just fine. So far, this has been very engaging and the tempo is great.

I loved it when the fresco was unveiled. It was a very exciting moment. I'm a bit of an artwhore, but on a much, much, lower bargain basement end. I recently, after multiple cocktails, bought a 1950s painting from the Ukraine for $200 on ebay. I didn't pay attention to the measurements (they were in centimeters). It arrived rolled in a tube. 7x11 feet (220x340 cm) Ha, ridiculous for my 500 square foot apartment. I couldn't resist. I hung it on the only wall it would fit. I'm trying to become part of the pic in my Avi.

Best of luck with this. It's loads of fun. Any thought, comments, criticisms, or support of HAKTAW HEART would be greatly appreciated.

BILL

I'm interested in all things 'arty' so thought I'd take a look at your book. The short pitch is good, and invites me to read on. Long pitch stopped me short at "Rueben's". Did you mean "Rubens"? If so, that needs changing asap.

Chapter 1. First sentence needs a comma after 'say'. That's all I'm going to say about the punctuation, as it struck me that your long pitch could also use a bit of tweaking punctuation-wise. No doubt you'll be able to get an editor in at some point to sort all of this out. It's not detracting too much, so I'll get on with reading the story. The writing is witty and polished, though I wish it weren't in present tense. There's a good reason why no successful novel yet has been written in the present. I'm hoping this is just for this chapter, and by the next we'll be in flashback or something. The descriptions are good. I've become an unexpected expert on this torture stuff having recently illustrated an 'A-Z of Punishment and Torture' so I found myself nodding in agreement rather than going 'eek!' but not to worry.

Chapter 2. I see Rubens is spelled correctly here. Wonder what went wrong in the pitch? I like the way the story starts twisting and turning in this chapter, with Marie suddenly coming to 'life'.

That's as far as I have time to read for now. This great stuff; entertaining and fast-paced; completely convincing in the action scenes and with an intriguing plot fast developing. The main problem is the tense. It needs re-writing in past tense if you want it to be taken seriously. Present tense writing is a doddle to write, but a right ruddy pain to read. Get the tense right and you can start calling yourself the next Dan Brown. That's a compliment, btw. I love his stuff.

Hello there.

I came to take a peek at your work when I was drawn in by your pitches. I do have one question. Have you ever made your Short pitch say what your overview says? "A man will do anything if he is desperate enough." I found this to hook me more than your current short pitch. Just an idea though. Any book that starts off with the mention of the guillotine is going to catch my attention. I like Tony's attitude towards it and your MC's reaction saying, "Tony would have been at home in the Middle Ages..." That put a smile on my face. You are making history relevant and interesting. I have put this on my WL on my comp and will be back for more as time permits. Best of luck with this and many stars from me!

Best,

Ashley

Nice dialogue exchange in the introduction. It was an instant appeal for me. I had to look up what a ‘guillotine’ was but when I found out and reread it a second time it was actually better. Not much but better. Now I know what that thing is called. It’s a good and bad thing that I looked it up. Good because it got my interest and I didn’t want to move on unless I knew what it was. Bad in that if I didn’t have internet access, I wouldn’t have known what they were talking about.

But all this to find out that it’s not a guillotine. lol. too funny. Then I read some more and it seems like no, that’s what it is. so it is but not the device that Tony’s talking about? . . . Just reading you my thoughts. They may turn out to be wrong as I read on. I just thought I’d bring it to your attention. It seems though they are still trying to figure it out just like I am. So that’s good.

‘lump of wood the size of a dildo’ serious? lol. lol. I would say take it out even though it’s funny but it fits the voice.

‘terminator muscles’ lol.

when I get to Marie is shorter than Vicky, I’m starting to think the description is a bit much and I want to see the story get rolling again.

By them still arguing over the maybe scottish Halifax makes it still interesting. I think they should continue on that in the beginning instead of later on.

‘he is a shorter than me, maybe . . .” delete ‘a’ and again this seems like too much info early on. The most important thing is to get to the story or let the story move along without much description that might slow the read.

Not a bad ending and overall it’s good. even though it sounds like there were many problems with it, there really wasn’t. It was all minor things. Definitely the best parts were the beginning and the end. I think if you tighten it up it can be very good. But 6 stars.

I really enjoyed reading Fresco although it was not the usual thing I read. It was very exciting and I kept
coming back for more. I will certainly be reading more of your work in the future. Good luck to you and keep up
your exuberant writing. To me it was definitely a thriller, exciting and mysterious. Keep up the good work

Thank you Red2U. Look forward to reading your Illusions of Comfort shortly. BTW my wife and I have also recently become empty nesters, and as you say more time for writing!

S L Stockford

I read the first three chapters realizing that there were 6 of them under the first one. I do enjoy a good thriller and this one certainly has its moments. Well done . Have rated and placed it on my WL.
Red

I read the first three chapters realizing that there were 6 of them under the first one. I do enjoy a good thriller and this one certainly has its moments. Well done . Have rated and placed it on my WL.
Red

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A captivating start. A smart, observant, interesting main character. Excellent use of deep point of view. Vivid imagery. Well-managed tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) The Scottish Maiden they call it.' Put an opening quote mark before 'the.'
2) 'I smell her delicate, sweet pefume.' When you introduce 'smell' into a scene, try to characterize it. What is the dominate aroma in her perfume? Lavender? Rose? Lily? Sandalwood? Jasmine? Musk? When you characterize scent, you pull the reader deeper into your scene.
3) 'Isn't that right Marie?' Comma after 'right.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There is another case where you address someone in dialogue, but didn't offset their name or title with a comma.
4) Marie cocks her head up at him, 'I think maybe we should tell Matt about ... ' Period after 'him.'

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important opening chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it's worthy, keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a sensational day.

Al

Fresco
NB lack of coherence on my part is due to noting as I read. I read about 6000 words
Title: The discrepancy between the single word title and what appears on the pictured cover tells me some sort of re-think has taken place. I note your comment about it starting out as ‘horror’, and I can see the obvious direction of the original title but is a single word enough? Is there another similar epithet that might apply without compromising the plot? It’s just ‘Fresco’ doesn’t really say much.

Short pitch: This is fine, a single punchy informative sentence. But ‘salvation’ sounds like a left over from the original ideas. It’s religious, especially in a phrase like ‘path to..’ Maybe something else like, ‘restoration’ or rehabilitation, would get it?

Long pitch: I think properly playing the Autho game people should consider putting their Autho reader’s notes at the end of a pitch, maybe after an asterisk or something. Otherwise it seems strange. You don’t need the word ‘overview’. It’s quite a good tag so let it stand alone. It works better after the main para anyway. Either delete or combine the final para into a single readers’ note, otherwise this pitch is all over the place. It should not (now) be necessary to say what the book ‘is not’. Obviously at this point I have not read enough to know but the words ‘does it hold supernatural powers?’ are a real misdirection to a genre reader whom, I would presume, would leave it alone. This is a pitch, a selling device, so misdirection is a sin (intended pun).

Chapter 1: One of the interesting things about Authonomy is seeing the way people bring what they know to the table. You’re TV so you concentrate on what’s happening, the scene dressers have done their job from the script instructions and what production say they can afford, so we’re straight into dialogue. Some people hate that; they need to know where they are.

Don’t worry, I don’t think you fail stylistically at this point, you start to build very well and the locality emerges efficiently. I haven’t read a great deal from the thriller market but I guess this is quite typical is it? I remember a bit from Pat Highsmith.

A word about your language. I already noticed some minor problems that just need a careful ‘out loud’ reading. For eg, the word echo of ‘face’ in para 2. And there are typos. The ‘voice’ is convincing but, again, there are little quirks: ‘How did Tony word it? Ah yes.’ For me this sounded contrived – your character is already established as a bit hard – I don’t think he would hesitate to remember such a deliciously prejudiced line. No riff raff as they might say pre-watershed.

Words are surprising things and when we choose them we have to try to imagine all their impacts. Each one carries a myriad of semantic allusions. Normally we strive to avoid conflicts between such meanings. For example, you say: ‘twin parallel wooden joists acting as vertical train tracks’. See, ‘joists’ are always seen in their use as horizontal supports. ‘Struts’ would be better. I pick this because I think it’s a good example, not because it’s a hideous crime. Many people wouldn’t notice. I did though and it’s that potential slowing down of the reader, who thinks twice, that we need to avoid.

‘Shouldn’t a man provide a home for his wife?’ Eh?

Characterisation: the development here is fine. We are given the information in the way you prefer, in bits, though dialogue, and it works fine. On a higher level I did start to wonder about credibility: a quite hard council house boy cum ‘art expert’. Hmm-kay.

I certainly started to get into the story by the end of chapter 2. I did get a little bit lost by the, what was it blackmail scenario? Anyway, I see an interesting thriller developing here. I can see that the ‘dark satanic’ implications of the Fresco add to the thrill of the thing but I feel, since you are trying to eliminate the ‘supernatural’ elements that you must be careful about the introduction of these things – ensuring that they are the ravings of a character rather than hints or instructions to the reader.

Thanks Michael, appreciated.

S L Stockford Fresco

Dear MR Stockford

I'm loving it!

Dear MR Stockford

I'm loving it!

SL-
A quick read through the first two chapters demonstrates your obvious proficiency as a writer. The action flows smothly and quickly, the characters quickly become individuals, and the suspense is intriguing enough to keep the reader involved and engrossed. The scenes are clear, concise and easily digestible. The cultural vernacular isn't laid on so thick us uncultured dummies from the states can't work it out. Tony (Lord Anthony) has enough of an Aleister Crowley vibe to make him an intriguing antagonist. Some clunky dialog and punctuation errors have been duely noted by others and do not bear repeating. Tony borders on being two-dimensional, but it's too early to tell. Sadly, the authonomy format invites snap judgements after only a brief dip into the author's work. But the writing's main strength? Each chapter skillfully leaves you wanting to read more. In short, a seasoned writer with a good handle on his craft has produced a solid piece of mainstream fiction. Conventinal wisdom would suggest that, with just a little polish- and assuming the middle and end are as good as the beginning- you've got a potential best seller on your hands. In short, it's just about everything my book is not.
The funny thing is, I'm constantly amazed by how much competent writing is on this site and how much of it could pass for so many books already on the shelves of the local booksellers (the retailers that haven't gone virtual, anyways). Funnier still is how so far none of the books that have reached the editor's desk have gotten picked up. What does that tell me? Either this whole ratings nonsense is bollocks or the science of what makes a bestseller is an elusive science that is well beyond my meager capicity to understand.
Or maybe- just maybe- the editors are looking for something so new and different, so unique, so startlingly original that it defies conventional wisdom.
Nah, couldn't be that.
Anyways, best wishes and didn't mean to take the piss out-
I'm just a cynical bastard,
Doug Thurston
VOODOO INFERNO

LF40 Review: Fresco by SL Stockford
This is not literary fiction. It’s a horror / thriller. I don’t mind, I quite like thrillers, but some who are members of LF40 because they want to read LF might be displeased.
We are all constantly told how important the start is, and I thought the book got off to an awkward start. It’s probably just me but I had to reread the opening dialogue. If you added ‘I said’ after the opening ‘it’s a guillotine’ that would make all the difference. But it’s probably just me, as I said… However, by the time you’d written that thing about croissants and Tesco’s I was in my stride and enjoying it.
There are too many typos and errors of grammar in the book. Normally I would not read on, as I think that if you want me to read it you should have the courtesy to read it yourself first. However, I did continue as I was intrigued by the plot and the characters.
In general chapter 1 is good stuff, Marr is well described, the tensions between the men (and women) are well developed. There are a few hitches, probably personal taste, and nitpicks (see below). But we want to read on: mission accomplished.
Ch 2 seems a bit ‘tabloid’ with its ultra-short paragraphs; pacey though. I’m not sure Vicky can be that pissed and give all the good advice and support in the dungeon.
OK, I’m at the end of ch 2 and I am confused. Is our hero going to get £500k for successfully identifying the fresco as a genuine Giotto? Why then would he say if it was not? Why do they need the goons to abduct Vicky? Is he supposed to be a better expert if he has been beaten up and his wife is kidnapped?
After five chapters I am unsure what to say. I am constantly interrupted by the poor grammar and typos – there are even mistakes in the French sentence, which I would have thought required more attention. The story only just stays on the right side of credible. But the scene-setting is alluring and the pace and action drew me on. I think the idea is great and the handling of the expert stuff (fine art analysis scenes) well done - maybe an art expert would disagree, maybe you are an expert yourself - anyway I admire you for undertaking this.
Good luck

Timothy F.J. - The Umbrella Men


Nitpicks:
I stopped noting them, they are so numerous, but here are some I found before stopping:
You need a question mark after ‘perfectionist’ in ch 1 (American dental work)
‘Barely’ not ‘barley’ in the gloom (also ch 1)
I’m not sure that you don’t mean ‘vieille’ rather than ‘veille’ for the Judas cradle.
I think ‘Castle Vernon’ is more likely than ‘Vernon Castle’.
Ch2: Marr is an aristocratic idiot, but surely he would pronounce the artist’s name right. Matthew is keen on getting the work – surely he would bite his tongue and not humiliate and correct Marr?
Bondone’s – lose the apostrophe
A visage cannot be tight-suited

I was in the mood for something like this last night. I love the blend of history and the dark atomosphere of your book. It's different, which is something that grabs me right away, not just the story but the way you've written it. The first few chapters feel like you're just edging deeper and deeper into an intricately detailed thriller. The pacing is perfect, I flew through the first five chapters. I'm not the kind of person who comments on the technical stuff, I come at it as a reader. You captured me quickly and held me, a sign of a book that I know I would keep reading.

Good job with this, I don't always read this kind of book but I'm glad I looked at this one. The title made me curious! I'll star now and shelve later this week!

Missy

Hi, I originally was just going to thank you for your continued support in shelving Kiss the Candle Goodnight, I saw the red arrow and started to read your book. I'm not usually into feeling uncomfortable as I read, but this book grabbed me. There are a few typos that could be tightened up, but hey, that can be done at any time. I got as far as the bouncers taking the art dealer to see the work. I wondered why the money was paid up front to avoid being paid by results then his wife was taken as surety? This is a well crafted piece of writing that I'll return to when I have more time, because I'm hooked. I re-jigged my opening page of my book and wdnt mind if u took a quick look, time allowing. Very good luck, this is a great piece of writing. TM

Hi, I originally was just going to thank you for your continued support in shelving Kiss the Candle Goodnight, I saw the red arrow and started to read your book. I'm not usually into feeling uncomfortable as I read, but this book grabbed me. There are a few typos that could be tightened up, but hey, that can be done at any time. I got as far as the bouncers taking the art dealer to see the work. I wondered why the money was paid up front to avoid being paid by results then his wife was taken as surety? This is a well crafted piece of writing that I'll return to when I have more time, because I'm hooked. I re-jigged my opening page of my book and wdnt mind if u took a quick look, time allowing. Very good luck, this is a great piece of writing. TM

Hi, I originally was just going to tahnk you for your continued support in shelving Kiss the Candle Goodnight, I saw the red arrow and started to read your book. I'm not usually into feeling uncomfortable as I read, but this book grabbed me. There are a few typos that could be tightened up, but hey, that can be done at any time. I got as far as the bouncers taking the art dealer to see the work. I wondered why the money was paid up front to avoid being paid by results then his wife was taken as surety? This is a well crafted piece of writing that I'll return to when I have more time, because I'm hooked. I re-jigged my opening page of my book and wdnt mind if u took a quick look, time allowing. Very good luck, this is a great piece of writing. TM

LF40 Review

Chapter 1

The first thing that struck me was it’s rather unconventionally punctuated. Is this intentional or is it just due a punctuation edit? In particular, there is frequently a lack of commas where I would expect to see them. In other cases there were commas where I would have expected a full stop.

Typo: “Came our parties” should be “came to our parties”.

Chapter 2 onwards

After this I read for the flow of the story, rather than for a line edit. There are, however, a number of typos that need addressing ( "But I am standings" in chapter 87, for example). This reads as a fast paced, page turning thriller. It has all the thriller requisites: violence, money, beautiful women, exotic locations, a flawed hero and mystery. The present tense setting adds to the pace and the feel of a thriller. I am surprised, therefore at the lit fic tag. The seven or so chapters I have read scream thriller not lit fic. If I was looking for lit fic, I wouldn’t be tempted by this. Conversely, if I was after a thriller I would like this but would be turned off by the lit fic description.

I better come clean and say that I am not a lover of thrillers, on the whole. The weaknesses I see in this are not necessarily weaknesses in the thriller genre, or so it appears to me, because I have read thrillers where they seem commonplace. Indeed, such “weaknesses” may well be strengths. Please read the following in this light.

I found the storyline fast paced and readable, but nor credible. I couldn’t believe in the story and the characters, but that didn’t stop me from reading on to find out how the plot develops. The plot was definitely the driver for me. Some of the characters are not particularly well fleshed out. To me they came across as caricatures, but appropriate thriller caricatures: Lord Marr and his vampiric side-kick, for example.

In a similar vein, some of the scene descriptions felt a bit too sketchy or came in the wrong place for me, but they made for a fast flowing story and an intriguing plot.

In summary, if I read this expecting a thriller, it works well for me. It’s smoothly written, fast paced and flashy (in a positive sense). I could see this falling of the shelves. If I read this in expectation of lit fic, I want to see greater depth, greater emphasis on language and tone and greater subtlety. If it’s a hybrid, then I’d still like to see more evidence of literary fiction, but maybe that comes later?

I’m not sure how helpful all this is, but these are my reactions to what I’ve read: great thriller, but I’m still looking for the lit fic angle.


J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

Raymond thank you for your warm, supportive comments. Appreciated.

S L Stockford Fresco

Simon

I cannot thank you enough for the painstaking detail you have thrown up. Your critic is wholly credible. I suspect I will follow many, perhaps most of the adjustments you have offered as I edit the first two chapters.

Steven

FRESCO feedback Chapter 1 – LF40 Review
I read books for the characters/ what they make me feel. You’ve got that pretty sorted -
Fresco’s MC – (though he still lacks a name after 10 pages) – is a real, sympathetic character. I like him and I care about him. Vicky his wife is lovely. I love her - which is great cos you achieve this in only a few words.
Tony the bad guy feels a bit overdone, but only a bit – and he’s clear, if maybe not all that believable. His vampy assistant needs fleshing out (ha ha) – but she does.
Essentially you’ve got characters that work. MC’s dilemma is clear and gives tension to the story. That’s the hard bit, a real voice and a good plot. That’s the stuff some people never really learn. What I think of as the basics – like CLARITY of description– well that’s the problem, (I think)
- I know you’re about to do a edit – so here’s some ideas just as I read - - bin what you don’t like.
Specifics:
You open with dialogue – which no doubt is cos you want to grab my attention – and it’s a good line – but I thinkit’s a mistake – especially here – cos you’ve got such a weird location. Show me the scene first. By not doing this:
1. you leave me frustrated cos I can’t see what’s happening, so you detract from the story
2. By feeding in bits of desc. Later the dialogue gets too broken, and it’s hard to follow
So not a great load of desc. Early on, but I can stand a few lines, esp. cos it’s an interesting location. ‘Think of gothic…’ is a great line, and does have a lot in there – I’d put it at the end of the first para, after a brief desc. Of dripping walls, etc, and WHO’s THERE / WHERE they are. And what it the hape of the place,? Are there alcoves cut into the walls, each holding it’s grisly item. Are they lit or in darkness? What about the rest of the place? Lighting, shape, heat, smell? And whre is the exposed 16th century stonework in relation to everything else?
And where is vamp, cos. Eg. When she comes in, she seems to come out of nowhere? (or is this intended??)
2nd line – when Tony flashes his eyes, etc – this feels like quite an attractive look to me. It’s misleading. I think I’m going to like him. Also Tony sounds, at firs, intimate ad friendly(?) Give him his title now? Then Your next line is much more to helpful in terms of what you are trying to convey – though ‘podgy’ is an adjective too far – cut it and you lose nothing.
So in the end maybe we get Anthony Lord Marr’s alcohol inflated face…’, and I think you’ve nailed your character?
‘a degree’ better , ‘some show /sign’
‘kindly’ is not the best word?
‘Near the…’ Don’t invert sentences unless absolutely necessary. Love the rest of the para. Makes me love Vicky, AND warm to him for his generosity of feeling.
(though not sure she can be a steel girder and a life saver?? – mixed mets?)
‘uneven cobble stone floor’ cobblestone floor is enough – uneven is redundant. And like any word – if it doesn’t work. Kill it. Imagine they cost you 50 quid each.
Then as you know, I think the desc. Is in the wrong place, and there needs to be more of it. Vernon Castle is another name to take in – at this stage, I don’t need to know. Save it. Wierdly you name the castle but not the MC. (maybe let Vicky whisper his name? or Tony sneer it?)
Tony’s line about smelly arsed kids etc - is wonderful – not sure where it belongs exactly – but I love the bad guys who say it like they see it.
Short stubby arm – one or the other
Lethal blade - - I’d slightly lost track of the blade cos of all the stuff since the last mention. (They say write for people reading you on the train).
Here I began to see MC and Tony as having similar sarcastic delivery? Be carful to differentiate their voices.
You’re starter for ten - is this right for Tony? Bit working class?
The diversion persists – tony might call it that but not the narrator / MC? – ‘the stupid, bullshit, arrogant, showing off, etc persists’
Tony forces a…smile – no tony doesn’t force anything? he does what he likes? Maybe he fakes a smile?
Maybe cut – from his own vineyards – enough already, we get it.
Poured, poured endlessly – you use this construction a couple of times – don’t – it doesn’t add anything,
Then you say endless trolleys – you’re labouring the point.
How we laughed. – is v good, I’d end the para there, the next line is unnecessary explanation. Trust your reader. Let him think he’s working it out. (if he doesn’t get why mc’s laughing by now, then you’re screwed anyway?)
I pander to his look – okay, but maybe tell me how you feel while you’re doing it?
My play acting…fires. Cut this sentence – it’s sort of catchy, but unnecessary explanation- it’s clear from what happens next, and (as they say ) always better to show than tell.
‘like a man at a gurning…’ not sure, feels too flippant
Cut – bellow of a
Sweat clutches my shirt… - reword.

By now I’m really struggling to follow / npot that inspired by the conversation – in large part due to the lengthy verbiage between each bit of dialogue.
Then the description of tony is interesting and sureprising – but I feel wrongfooted, cos its v different from what’s in my head, sso I think the answer is tell me some of this at the start – so I can see the scene on p1?
Tony has money… YES I KNOW find something else to say
‘It is the money I need…’ I KNOW – maybe use this as an opportunity to say / hint why? – or just CUT
Puffed up, reddened – one or other
CUT – deadly serious…taking. – His eyes are serious is much better on it’s own. Things are often stronger without embellishment
Then the bi about Tony is okay – but I already feel I know this – maybe again more specific now about who he is in the art world.
His clothes etc could maybe come earlier – or not at all – the droopy shorts overgrown kid theme isn’t bad though
CUT ‘he clearly…statement’
CUT ‘I don’t want to play his games’ WE know (or poss put this line in MUCh earlier)
The Irisjh man mystery is okay
CUT ‘and I am not looking away’ stronger without
Then Marie’s entrance feels confusing
Coal black hair is a cliché
Local hospital – better to name it? Makes it real.
The Rottweiler line is v good – tells me a lot about there relationship – (only slight issue is she’s more a leopard than a Rottweiler?)
Little vulgar for yourselves – isn’t a very posh / sophisticated construction
When Vicki’s gushing could I have a bit more dialogue?
Also cut out this gushing, gushing… repetition thing
Then the next para is great – imparts some NEW info – in a really honest touching convincing way, and the effect is heightened by how much he loves / respects his wife. Good stuff – new plot info and honest vulnerable, emotions

Cut – she barely…contact’
Cut – conspire to
The something of the dead line is good, but not quite new
Cut – to demonstrate…is
Cut – to show courage
Then the contact with Vicky is great
Marie is quickly at my side – clunky
Does she really giggle, can’t picture it
Don’t quite get why tony is so incensed? – but when he does kick off its good, esp when he’s in his crumpled suite ,,,in front of my wife
-in summary – if you dont already do it – write the dialogue building to the fight
Then paint me the scene, and choose a few careful introspection / plot hints to go in along the way – basically, a lot of good, but a lot of repetition
but the key is - i care- i want him and esp vicky to be okay
So – that’s what occrs to me
Best,
simon

I don't read horror. Mostly that is because so much of it is poorly done. Not the case here where your murders are gruesome enough to have been crafted by a fiend from hell. Incinerating an old lady and boiling Katherine to death. Oh well, I guess as Hollywood has it 'Some Like it Hot'. 'Father' Nicholas was just the right macabre touch and an unknown Giotto that draws sinners inside its fabric? Exquisite. Of course you have told us up above that this is something other than horror yet we are nearly at Chapter 87 before we are quite convinced of that statement.

I am sure that the auto-da-fe crafted by Claude and Matthew for the denouement is no accident since in it the fires of hell at last lay claim to their own.

The story and the atmosphere of that story are credibly done and both conspire to lead the reader, torch in hand, onward through mist enshrouded passages. You paint scenes with the deft touch of a master, and I am sure that Giotto di Bondone would be proud. I even glimpse a touch of Poe, (quite beyond your gratuitous reference to the pendulum, I should add.), as this story opens.

'...Damnation Fresco' is an excellent book S.L., eminently readable and in a cross genre that you have made uniquely your own.

Best wishes, RT

Hi SL,

As you noted, I think we have similar 'problems' with our respective books. I agree that, like my book, yours seems to 'start' in chapter two. Your second chapter has fantastic rhythm, economic and vivid description, fluid characterisation and well-chosen dialogue. Chapter one seems more self-conscious and the metphors etc a little forced. I know we need a certain amount of setting up but if you started with chapter two and built in the characterisation and back story - would there be more suspense? A gradual weaving or undressing of the characters and plot instead of the 'here's your premise, Sir' which seems to be the effect of the first chapter. I know that this is a hard thing to get your head around -I received the same advice by J. Kinkade about my book and have been mulling it over ever since -knowing, in the back of my mind she is probably right.
You have done excellent research into your subject, the description of setting is very nice - the small details add up to a lot.
I think the most powerful part -the part where I get most drawn in and lose myself is in the first 3/4 of chapter two. Everything flows seamlessly.
I guess one query I have is about the main protagonist -his voice and character seems tough, a wheelerdealer -but then again he also makes some very delicate observations. I think you need to more in one direction with his voice and make choices with his language -at the moment descriptions such as 'fat arse' don't sit too comfortably alongside "Vicky and Marie are attired in frilly, elegant dresses" He is coming off a little like a camp Vinnie Jones! ;)
Maybe have a few beers -escape into the character and his voice and try an edit....;)
I think the plot, the description and the obvious strengths mean this has real real potential -I will be reading more as it has drawn me in. Hope these wee observations help.

(highly starred on promise)

Best,
Kaal

Thank you Ron for your comments.

In answer to your question present tense is my preferred style (at present!).

S L Stockford Fresco

Hi S.L,

I think this story has potential, but why is it in present tense? I think that stayle takes away from this kind of story.

There are a few small grammatical errors such as missing commas, but nothing that can't easily be put right.

Ron

Ross, many thanks for your precise observations. A real help. Appreciated.

I will take a look at the typos and those structural notes.

Thanks again.

S L Stockford Fresco

- Fresco -

(Based on chapters 1-5)

Fresco is a mystery/thriller run through with a fair amount of humour. There is often a nicely sardonic tone to the narrator’s voice that acts as something of a pressure valve when set against the more heart-stopping moments. There is some nice characterization in here and a lot of pompous upper class and arty types for Matthew to make fun of. In some instances, particularly in the furst chapter, this reminded me of Kate Muir’s West Coast, in which a working class photographer finds himself in the art world among a lot of aristocratic types. The same principal applies here and that’s what gives Matthew a sympathetic role in the eyes of the reader.

I liked the premise in here, disgraced art expert seeking redemption. It gives one confidence that the character is striving towards something and that we will have character development and a story arc. The mystery/adventure side of things is good too, with Matthew finding himself caught up in some incredible situations as a result of his involvement in this murky art deal.

A couple of structural notes on things that I wondered about: chapter one has a lot of nice characterization, humour and exposition. I just wonder whether the average thriller reader would want the adventure to begin here, I don’t mean to go straight into the action, more just that the Giotto might be made mention of. I am neither someone who reads a lot of thrillers, nor an expert in writing though so this is just something I’m putting out there rather than saying it’s something I’m sold on. The next point was with chapter teo. Here, I found the scene a little difficult to get into and the setting a little difficult to picture at the beginning. I’m not sure why. That was just my impression as a reader. Once the discussion of the Giotto got going I was hooked though.

I noted some typos in case the author is interested.

Chapter 1
-“out shines even my wife.” Isn’t ‘outshines’ one word?
-“when people actually come our parties”

Chapter 3
-“nod heading conversation”. ‘head nodding’ (?)
-“The dry cackle he is uses for laughter”

Chapter 4
-“Ger your stuff.” Is what I say. Should be “Get your stuff,” is what I say.

Chapter 5
-“No one can quite sulk like Vicky.” Did you mean ‘sulk quite like Vicky’?

It was nice to read a thriller that was both intelligent and funny. I’m not sure I have ever read a thriller that was funny before actually. Very good stuff indeed, this.

All the best with it,

Ross

S L,
You have quite an original plot to Fresco which takes the reader on a riveting journey through a macabre world of deceit. It's truly terrifying, but has enough realistic dialogue and vivid descriptions to hold the reader's interest throughout the narrative.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

thank you for the comments and hopefully John Hurt will be available for the movie version!

It has always been in first person present - well, it was meant to be!

S L Stockford fresco

Ch3. Did you change to First person present? I don't remember it being written like this. The style certainly allows the action to unfold like a movie. I liked the description of the fresco, it made me want to look up the artists work. The sick man, shades of John Hurt in 'Contact' . Somnambulist? Stands out like dog's balls as they say. I found myself hooked in and looking forward to Ch4.

Ch3. Did you change to First person present? I don't remember it being written like this. The style certainly allows the action to unfold like a movie. I liked the description of the fresco, it made me want to look up the artists work. The sick man, shades of John Hurt in 'Contact' . Somnambulist? Stands out like dog's balls as they say. I found myself hooked in and looking forward to Ch4.

Kenneth Edward Lim

Thank you Kenneth. I will take a look at the North Korean in the next few days and hopefully be just a s helpful as your comments.

S L Stockford Fresco

SL,
Starting into "Fresco" was like committing to watch a two-hour thriller in a theatre. The opening scene with the guillotine drew me into the action which was nonstop from that point on, unreeling in front of me, each new scene tickling my curiousity as to what would transpire next. Your mastery of the dramatic trumps whatever nitpicks there are in an early draft, easily resolved with one clean sweep. You have an ear for acerbic dialogue from characters skirting the edges of insanity abetted by binge drinking. Thank you so much for the compelling read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

WLd for a weekend read.
Thank you.

Norton,

Thank you for the detailed feedbackto my novel Fresco.

A publisher who worked with me for a year saw it as a novel in the genre of Da Vinci Code. I must say I never quite felt that myself seeing it more as a thriller, though I can see the connections obviously.

You offer an interesting thought about the house repossession to up the ante. I may well purloin that idea so thank you.

Some of the other points you raised are answered further down the line in the narrative.

Someone else pointed out a theatrical feel which is interesting. And yes I do write in “acts” so you are correct that is the end of the first act.

I have read to chapter 2 so far.
Tell (her) it will be alright Ch 1
Barley/Barely
DVD Whirs. DVD almost dated and will date, especially for a very wealthy man who should have the latest technology
Instantly recogniseable as Pink. Do you mean the pop star who is female. I was confused.
The first chapter felt like an opening scene from a Da Vinci style movie. I was not totally in sync with Mathew's aggression towards his potential employer. I rationalised that feeling with the thought that he would be bitter having had to stoop to where he has to earn a buck. However Vickie obviously enjoyed the dinner so I asked myself how well prepared were they as a couple for what shaped, at the start anyway, as an interview. In a movie you probably wouldn't make that judgement because you don't hear the narrator (generally) but because we are hearing Mathew I thought it, He is cautious and she has gone and got pissed? Punching Marr, and that not finishing things, speaks of a desperation on both sides. Perhaps Mathew and Vickies financial plight needs something to quanyify it. Simple device like a foreclosure on their 2 million dollar home or something. It would reinforce the "no way out" for Mathew. Marr is well drawn and I am not sure whether you have given to much away with Marie or you are flinging out red herrings. You refer to her as corpse like and skeletal and I am thinking she has made the faustian deal for eternal life that requires the fresco be passed on. I cannot know because I am so early into the book. I am also wondering if Mathew viewing the fresco will kill him, which is why Marr will not do that himself and is prepared to flig so much money around. I suppose what I am saying is you have got me. I am an intrigued reader at the end of chapter 2. I think CH1 would be in the screenplay but perhaps shortened a little for the novel. Does that sound counter intuitive? The explanation of the pronounciation of Giotto Di Bondone halted the narrative for me.Being first person present (recalled) what Mathew chooses to tell us critical. It goes to my point about Vickie. He is telling us he is ill at ease, and feels aggressive towards Marr yet he watches his wife get blotto which presumably makes him more vulnerable. I hope I have explained that well enough. Ch2 was the meat and Potatos for me and had a number of excellent elements which moved things along well. Marie comes into her own and I almost feel at the end of the chapter that the Theatre curtain has come down on Act 1. Your book does have a theatrical feel by the way. I know Rocky Horror is a comedy but I did reference Brad and Janet for some reason. Perhaps it was my fear for the innocent couple. Anyway I have gone on for a bit and hope there is some stuff to think about even if you dismiss it. My overall take is this is very commercial. I'll give you a bit more feedback when I move onto to Ch3.
You have created a fantastic atmosphere.
Cheers Norton

SL, I have read over some early chapters. I was quite interested in the Maiden as I have seen it on display myself. I believe the Earl of Morton was its most notable victim, Regent when Mary Queen of Scots was a child. I can't remember if it was at Edinburgh Castle or the Museum of Scotland in Edinburgh where I saw it, though!
The first person style is fine once you get used to it and also I have to say, the writing is 'American' somewhat in style. That's not a criticism, it is the biggest market of course! I'm glad to see that on advice you removed a lot of 'horror' and replaced it with more contents of a mystery thriller. It's easy to stack the bodies up in gruesome ways, but I always believe the best thrillers keep the body count down to a bare minimum!
A lot of the comments below re crit can be ironed out in editing but you have a decently crafted idea and something a bit different. I'll back this for now, normally this is not my scene but it is different and unusual which is a plus in any genre. Starred also, regards, Mark

OK, to start with the positive stuff – as a fellow thriller writer you’ve hooked me & I’m going to read a lot more & comment again. But, as starters:
There are far, far too many small errors that need the careful eye of an editor, eg Tony’s inconsistent use of apostrophes… “Don’t worry about it. It is good” rather than ‘it’s good’ etc & shoulder instead of shoulders, & many sentences start with a lower case instead of a capital letter. …less straightened’ or less straitened? –chapter 2.
There are also too many typos & other minor defects to ignore but I’m not going to be a proofreader here. But really ‘deja vous’ is a real clanger. ‘Vous’ means ‘you’ ‘Vu’ means ‘seen.’
I’m surprised you’ve only had three comments & none have mentioned this aspect. Must have been swept along by the story I guess – which is good for you.
“A screech…Before it can grab me I move backwards to the safety of the cool dank garage.” This sentence is over the top. We know Matthew is hyped up & tense but he’s a professional art assessor & the concept of him being so frightened by a painting is a bit ridiculous. This phantasmagoric element is not really justified in its current context of reality. I can’t see an art pro yelling in surprise. Are we staying with reality here or going into fantasy?
Wouldn’t it be more realistic to say ‘I leaned back with a shudder & marveled at the power of Giotto’s images’?
You are very good. This is the best I’ve read on the site so far [only 3 weeks] & I’m parsimonious with my praise, but you are also a bit lazy. You haven’t re-examined your stuff with a hard eye for detail.
Having said that, detail is easy to correct. What is not easy is pulling the reader in to read on, & you’ve achieved this. Backing it now with five stars & will review this later when I've read more.
Congratulations.
Lavois, The Webspinner.