Fink

Just finished your nine chapters, read in two short sittings, and i wish i could carry on reading.
This is a superb novel, powerful as a punch to the gut, but brimming with compassion.
The writing style is hugely accomplished, and the book is already clearly at a very advanced stage of editing. The prose is imaginative, but parred-down enough that any flourishes don't get in the way of the story.
As for the characters, they're all superbly realised. Each one is believable, well developed, and it seems like you've lived with them in your head for a long time. You know them inside out, you know how they think, what they would do or say in any given situation. They're so well developed, I bet you could go into character as any one of them, method-actor style, and conduct a conversation without missing a beat.
Chris is a superb character, troubled, violent, but trying to do something good with his life, for himself and others. His volatility is brilliantly realised, but you deserve particular praise for your potrayal of eating disorders (both AN and binge-eating) I wont go into details, but i'm qualified to speak on this, and it all rings very true. You don't ladle it on too thick, or try and show off how much research you've done on the subject, the way many other writers would be tempted to do. You just show it how it is, and that is to your credit.
All this is commendable, but without a real story, could be meaningless. Well Rob, this is a gripping and thrilling story, right from the start, the road movie feel of it being a stroke of genius.
I'm struggling to find anything constructive to say, other than a couple of the Americanised phrases jarring ever-so-slightly, but let's be honest, that's the way most Brits talk now anyway, so it does nothing to affect the authenticity of your work.
A brilliant novel that deserves to go all the way, and I'm sure it will. It will be on my shelf until it does. 6/6.

Hi Rob, first of all, let me apologise. I genuinely thought I had commented on this ages ago! I remember reading the first 3 chapters definitely. Anyway, I got up early so that I could go through the whole lot. I've now read all nine you have uploaded.

This is such a clever book, I'm amazed that here I am, waiting for chapter 10 and yet we are still on a car journey that started in chapter 2 (I think it was.) This only dawned on me as I finished 9. Very clever. A 200 miles or so drive, and yet I know so so much about the lives of your characters. You have a great way with wording and telling it like it is, Rob. I was totally immersed and read every single word, afraid to miss out on some anecdote or beautiful description. You have also created solid characters with very different voices.

Your writing is also a prime example of 'Authorial intrusion.' There are certain areas where you, yourself casually pop in. Not to steer us in any particular direction, but you do it all the same. I don't know your reason for doing this, but it suits the style of the book and I like it. It doesn't feel intrusive or patronising, and kind of adds an element of authenticity to YOUR voice as narrator. (I hope you understand what I mean here)

You have a unique style, Rob, that I believe would sit well in a contemporary market. I have a feeling that someone down the line may say to you that because of the cultural references, your writing may at some stage be considered 'dated.' Well you and I both know that this isn't always the case. The pop stars, songs, fashion labels you refer to, all add to the truthfulness of the time and the situation. I know I don't have to point out that all these references added to the impact of AP (albeit for different reasons)

Sorry again, for failing to comment last time. I was really sure that I had. I love this book, Rob, you are one clever bloke and I admire both you and your skill. One thing I have to ask (and I'm probably missing something completely obvious here!) What does the title mean. Fink?

Here for what it is worth are my thoughts on your first three chapters which I have read several times.

Cover - great.
Title - good
Shirt pitch - good

Long pitch - also good but I stumbled over the last line. Maybe it would be better to write it as ' As the story draws to its devastating crescendo, Chris's actions illustrate the question 'When is something too much, even in the name of love?'

Chapter 1
Very good first chapter giving us insight into Lynda and some of her history. Also showing her difficulties with her obnoxious class. Anyone who has done any kind of teaching will recognise those moments and the fear they can instil even in the hardiest. You also show very clearly her alienation from the rest of the staff.

I did find the first sentence a little confusing and had to re read it several times. At first I thought you were starting with 'Lynda Hopwood looked dead' quite a strong start! But then I came to 'ahead' and then something about a little to the left etc etc. It's not a bad sentence just maybe not a good first sentence to grab the reader. How about 'Lynda Hopwood stared straight ahead, standing, slightly to the left of her desk, and tried desperately not to crack.' (?)

You have some beautiful lines and observations in this chapter whch lift your writing above the everyday.
The chairs 'like post tsunami debris'
'He was her defeat made flesh.'
'raising their only child in the shroud of their beliefs;'
'your weakness is their strength.' this last ringing very true and coming from a deep place inside the writer and resonating equally deeply with this reader.

Chapter 2
A new voice, very clearly male and again some beautiful lines.

''we are at the point of no longer asking' Incredible honesty about the state that one can arrive at after too much of life.

The only worries I have with this chapter, which very cleverly and naturally gives us a lot of information and back story, is the voice and his use of words. He is a taxi driver, though certainly not someone who has always been a taxi driver. His use of language is intriguing as in ''empirical evidence suggesting that they will dissipate .... like a vanquished dream the memory of which grows more tenuous with each breath taken upon awakening.'
Is this his voice or yours? If it is his voice then clearly there is more to him than at first sight. Good!. But you have to make sure your use of language is consistent throughout otherwise it sounds as though another voice has broken through. Does that make sense?

Secondly, did you deliberately place this chapter here? Would it be clearer for the reader if you swapped chapters 2 and 3. I was distracted wondering who Shannon was and didn't get to meet her until the next chapter. But this chapter is beautifully written and enters into the worlds inhabited by all three.

Chapter 3
This chapter is almost unbearble to read because of its intensity and brilliant description. It shows great insight on the part of the writer. Did I ever realise before that the 'victim' could be in love with her abuser? I think at some level I did but it came a a shocking insight nevertheless. One would expect her to hate her abuser. But no, these things are more convoluted than that, which is why this book is a cut above the rest..

I think that this is a very important book, addressing as it does subjects that are either misunderstood or ignored. I need to read on to see what happens but you have achieved three first chapters that hold the reader enthralled and wanting to know more. Very, very good and I really hope to see this book published soon.

Hi Rob,
Is Chapter one new? Have you changed the chapters around a little? I remember chapter one being so much longer and starting with the taxi but it’s been a couple of months so maybe I’m wrong.
Every time I read more of this I am completely blown away by your writing. I really can’t believe you haven’t been snapped up by a publisher yet. Your writing is of such a high quality. So effortlessly (seemingly) clever and brilliant. Good chapter length.
And actually – it’s even better than I remember it. I don’t really feel qualified to comment in any great depth on this, it’s totally out of my league!
Chapter three was a bit hard to read, especially the end. What Carla and co did to poor Shannon.
I think there are some unnecessary speech marks before “Mrs Hilton” in chapter 5?
This is really, really good Rob. Such human, flawed characters, with real issues.
Have you submitted this to any agents?
Tammy

I've just read the first three of this, and will definitely be back for more. You manage to intrigue the reader from the off... why are they leaving? why Glasgow? etc, and this certainly continues as you introduce each character.
As Nathan has said below, these are exceptionally well thought out characters, described perfectly, providing us with an immediate connection to each of them. The way you depict Shannon's bullying is also fantastic, the way that she almost seems resigned to the fact that the attack will come is nothing short of powerful.
The classroom scene with Timo and co, I'm sure is something that many teacher's can relate to on at least some level.
This is sheer brilliance Rob, I will definitely be back for more. Highly starred!
Effie.

I've just read the first three chapters so far - very impressed. There are some great lines in here, I'd love to steal (or have thought of first). The one about Lynda as a sandcastle in a turning tide - loved that!
What I think is particularly strong is your characterisation of the two women. To get in the head of a struggling nearly 40year old teacher and then switch so believably to the raw pain of a bullied teen deserves high praise.
Of the three chapters, the first does least for me character wise, but is a strong hook. Of course I want to know why they are all running - this odd collection of people - running up North together in a stolen taxi.
The first two paragraphs were the only ones I had to read a couple of times. I wonder even if it's just that first line. Because he says 'I' rather than 'we', I was then surprised that he wasn't alone. And is the stolen taxi his? It may just be me, but openings are so important so I wanted to let you have my experience.
Hope that's helpful. Fink is great. I'll keep on my watchlist and back when I have some shelf space,
Best,
Kate
The Licenser

FINK: A Reader’s View

I can’t believe I haven’t commented on this before. I read the first four chapters, ages ago and yesterday I read to the end of the upload. Now I keep thinking it’s a book I’m still reading and I’ll be able to pick it up whenever I’m ready and read more. And I can’t, because I’ve come to the end of the upload and there is no more to read! To me that’s the sign of a really good book, a story that I want to stay involved in.

You build the characters really well, in increments giving us time to assimilate the different facets of them; we get to know them through their own revelations, and through the perspectives of each other – a good balance of viewpoints.

I like the descriptions of driving that make me feel I’m close in the car with the characters, I’m second-guessing their thoughts as they are each other’s, reading their body signals, wondering what they want, feeling the tension and also the sense of new possibilities.

You have a power-keg of characters here with a potentially explosive story to tell. I’m with Chris all the way, struggling to overcome his past and be the good person he wants to be; scared he’s going to lose the tenuous control he has on his temper and let them all down.

I think you paint the pictures of Shannon and Lynda well too, what a perfect contrast they present to each other, and it’s only so perfect because of the similarities. I like the way you demonstrate empathy for your antagonists, particularly Carla. There’s always a reason for someone behaving the way they do.

This is a personal preference, but I feel you could cut some of the sentences a little, particularly in the opening sections of the book. But then I don’t know – are these the words and sentences Chris would think in? If they are, then the way you’ve written it is true to the character. Your writing is so driven and expressive in itself, the shorter sentences conjure up the tension, the acid reflections of the past and the impossible-dream hopes the characters have for their future more aptly I think.

I love Fink, and I want to read more. I want to know what happens. Highly starred and backed!

Tracey
Veil of Grey

First rate fiction. Enough said.

This is a clever story.

Rob the read I promised after your thread comment. I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with these comments as you wish.

Dont normally comment on the synopsis, long or short but yours do leave the expectation this will be a powerful read.

Ok Chapter 1 - needs the grab for the reader to keep turning those pages.

From the synopsis we know you are seeking to set some immediate images with him running away and heading into the unknown. I feel I am getting the message you are sending but it could be improved upon - try to explain what I felt.

Like many people here you can write, and write well. Forget typos, it reads well, fast paced with very direct images as you introduce the characters. I read this twice, first naturally and second time pausing at the end of each paragraph trying to understand my sense of this story. Overall I feel the balance between the background to the story, with the character build is almost too much - you know where they, and the story is headed, but we the reader dont and are trying to focus on simply that.

I'm British but have been away from the UK long enough to have forgotten the road system. The details of motorways and the fact there are a and b roads, draws me away from the tension in the car - and that's the scene you are setting. 4.22 and later 6.05 pushes me to visualise a clock - it's early and a fgresh dawn is sufficient. Then the details of the taxi - I dont care perspex or methylated spirits - hit me with his thoughts and plans.

You can write and at times you can write well. If anything I feel you overwite on ocassion. Take the paragraph thats starts the M6 is still fairly clear - loved it up to the metallic shuffling but that next line, for me, was too much - palsied bituminous ensepulchred.

The next lines regarding the about the overnight truckers, weaving from side to side like dinosaurs - worked well and you've left me with mentl images, only to snatch it away as I try to remember what a diplodocus is and if it lives in swamps.

The opening Chapter was certainly enough to meet the synopsis and genre, and tugged me into the story but I felt the balance needs reviewing. Set the images and leave me with them, then build the characters even more. He's clearly made some drastic life decisions and you build on his fears; keep the readers focus on that.

Chapter 2 and a step back in time. Very different images here, from the inner turmoil of someone seeking a new life, to the mundane routine of school. I kept feeling I've read this Chapter but cant find any previous comments. With the change in pace comes a slightly different style. It's more simple with some excellent dialogue and I felt the balance was right. and by the end of this Chapter there's enough for me to link with Lynda; but where is that car going?

Chapter 3 and Shannon. Again easy to read, no typos and I am hooking into who she is - you've a love for lost souls on the one hand and cliques on the other, and it comes across generally well. We all love the underdog. My suggestion here is to be aware that other than some excellent dialogue in Chapter 2 the story is being driven by inner thoughts and meories. I felt alongside Lynda and was more disspassionate about Shannon.

Chapter 4 and the right time to be back to the car.

Your dialogue and the interaction between the characters is excellent, really feels natural and keeps the story flowing; frankly I'd like more. The images again I feel are overwritten Loved the gunning past the Tesco truck, and the juxtaposition between irrelavant advertising and his goal in life. That last line about Tesco's expiring, I'd lose that as your message was clear already.

By the end yes I want to know more about them. The detail in the paragraph of where he is pondering all this breaking and parking is good but taking me away from your build on his doubts. Rekeying the ignition, panic, hand on shoulder and into the dialogue - thats the hook and that part works. The final line in this Chapter sets more of a powerful image to the reader and a desire to want to read more than any other paragraph. I will only know the answer by reading more.

Chapter 5 and I'm now very clear on how I feel. As with the earlier Chapters when you introduced characters, it reads cleanly and the dialogue in particular is good. Your short lines are often more powerful than the more lengthy paragraphs.

Rob - overall a read I stayed with and I've no comments on grammar, nor typos. You've started to develope some interesting characters, people we can empathise with, or at least want to understand and that's key to any good story. Where I felt you could improve this as a read for me at least, was by editing some of the unessasry details. Not all as some of the images are excellent, but on balance I feel they are detracting from your story, this car heading North escaping from their past and heading into an unknown future.

I do hope that makes sense. If not bin it. Best. Steve.

just read the first chapter. this is amazing.

Much thought has gone into the crafting of this story, and the time and effort put into creating it has to be appreciated. The comments that have already been made have covered the situation. An editor does need to read this chapters. There is no doubt about that fact in my mind.

Rob, I've read the first two chapters and cherry picked after that, not for any other reason than lack of time. I do my reviews from the point of view of a reader, because that's what I am. I don't make any pretence of being a literary critic or an expert on grammar and syntax. My feeling is that you can have the best grammar and syntax in the world but without a great story it's nothing. The first is easy to sort out with a good editor, the latter,not so. The only question I ask myself when commenting on a book on Authonomy is 'would I buy it?' And with Fink, the answer is a resounding yes. Not only that, I'd recommend it to my friends.

II think it's a very well crafted piece of writing that I have enjoyed immensely - if enjoyed is the right word bearing in mind the subject matter. The characters are believable, the dialogue authentic and the pace of the story moves along pulling the reader with it. You've addressed some really difficult subjects with thought and compassion. The chapter about Shannon is spot on. As the mother of child who was bullied (fortunately some years ago now) I feel I can speak with a bit of authority about the effects and you have portrayed them perfectly.

I really think this will go far. As highly starred as is possible and on my watchlist. I'll back it shortly.

Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

Rob,

Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to Fink. Although it has taken me awhile, you and your book have been on my mind.

This time I read chapters five (Carla) six (Why I am Who I am) and seven (Chris). After hearing your own personal story, I can’t help but relate it to Fink. I can see a hint of compassion and desperation born of adversity come through in each of your characters. There is so much deep-down dredging going on here. It is good and it serves to heal and redeem. It will be so interesting to see where you take Chris, Shannon, Lynda and yes, poor Carla.

Your writing is absolutely precise and observant of all the injustices and brokenness that tears up our world and you are not afraid to deal with it - to do something about it. I wish I had another six stars. I will back you as soon as I can.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

This is fantastic. I really enjoyed reading the parts you have uploaded and want to now how the story will finally come to its conclusion. The synopsis pulls you in and the chapters flow from there. Well done!

Johanna

I had intended to review this some time ago but was unsure whether to do so. Though I see a very strong central idea, some good writing and, I believe, fine intent, the execution is poor in so many ways.

I don’t usually comment on the pitch – but here it encapsulates many of the problems of the book as so far uploaded: a shaky grasp of vocabulary, loss of control and no real understanding of syntax, punctuation or grammar. In the second paragraph we are told that Chris, Lynda and Shannon have fled, etc. That’s three people. They have absconded with a teenage runaway. That’s four. But no, there are only three, since Shannon is the teenage runaway – so she has absconded with herself (a philosophical musing on linguistic and logical concepts of identity?). The third paragraph is obscure. It would appear that the truth of their situation is Chris’s past, etc. (further along, I am not sure if ‘subsequent’ is an error and ‘consequent’ is intended) and I am simply baffled by that. In the fourth, it is not clear what is triggered exactly. But then we come to the last sentence: I have absolutely no idea what this is supposed to mean. His actions ‘are as an illustration...’ Does this mean his actions illustrate? What do they illustrate? A question (not the answer or the problem apparently)? Yet then no question is given. The whole pitch is slackly written. The problems continue and get worse.

The first paragraph of the first chapter sets the confused and posturing tone: and the shame is that it is such a powerful image. He has to shout at us that it is ‘surreal’, ‘like a post acid vision’, that it ‘sits strangely’ with the narrator, and that he is in a ‘fugue-like state’. So... a bit odd then? A straightforward description would have been much better (lack of respect for the reader is a feature of the writing). And the paragraph ends with a kind of metaphor of the book. It is a dreadful, uncontrolled sentence, with commas in the wrong places making a nonsense of it and the syntax lost forever. I say a metaphor because this is like a driver who takes a wrong turn and, instead of going back or checking a map, simply takes another turning every now and then blindly hoping he will get back to where he wants to be. He doesn’t.

The second paragraph starts well; but the author has to jump in front of the scene and wave his arms. Yes, someone has described this as ‘authorial intrusion’ and suggested it works here – utter nonsense, this is a first-person narrative; pandering to bad writing is so prevalent on authonomy and it is so destructive. Apparently the car was once his workhorse, his chariot of trade. What is the latter, and is it pulled by someone else’s workhorse? If ‘chariot’ is simply used to mean ‘vehicle’ or ‘car’ do we then have ‘the car was his car of trade’? This addled set of images is then completed by ‘my whole damn livelihood’. No, that would be taxi-driving, not the taxi itself – that’s why you called it, however clumsily, ‘chariot of trade’. There are so many far more effective ways of indicating that this once was how he earned a living going to other people’s destinations while now, at last, it was to take him to his own desired end.

The next paragraph, the third, is pretty much perfect apart from the comma incorrectly placed (actually, in the whole first chapter nearly all the commas are wrong; the author does not understand punctuation at all – and Hubert Selby Jnr. is no help here, since he rejected conventional punctuation rather than simply being incompetent). But it is marvellous, the length and detail both obsessive and evocative, with the final part about imagined farm tracks conjuring up far more than all the nonsensical, pretentious verbiage with which this book is littered. Seriously, this paragraph has so much – the professional driver’s obsessivenes, the developing sense of escape, the almost fairy tale (certainly imaginary) distant land.

Then it’s spoilt with a silly sentence. Why are you so ashamed of the good writing? Not enough big words?

But on, and still good (despite the commas); the next two are all right, in need of tightening, but still going for the simple layers which give true depth and complexity. Even the clumsiness of ‘still does in fact, on paper leastways’ can be overlooked.

Then it all starts to fall apart: ‘the sun is just starting to slide up the horizon’s arc like a prophecy...’ – do prophecies often slide up the horizon’s arc in your part of the world? Does the sun slide up the arc – where I am it rises above it. What does this actually mean? That the sun will... rise? Perhaps that the weather will be good? But it isn’t a prophecy, though one might prophesy a good day on the basis of it as evidence. The rest of the sentence is just pointless showing off in case we’ve forgotten the author. It continues to fall apart... ‘palsied’, ‘bitumenised’ (so, trembling and they’ve been treated with bitumen? Really? By whom?) and ‘ensepulchred’ (oh dear...). The poorly constructed sentences, the imagery which runs away from the author, the sheer, baffling nonsense of some of it, culminating in the bombastic flummery of the last paragraph (I am still chuckling at ‘grey runnels of ire’, and notice that suddenly the weather isn’t guesswork any more... He knows, you know.).

The narrator’s voice is drowned out by the author shouting at us. All authors need to have an ego to drive them: but the ego shouldn’t keep jumping in front of the scenes demanding to be seen and admired. This has a genuinely strong premise and moments of excellent writing.

There are a lot of books like yours on authonomy, the cynical middle aged character reflecting on their life in a somewhat amusing fashion and all of them are incredibly well written. This is certainly no exception. Witty and quick, you have clearly mastered getting the right voice. However, occasionally it is quite hard to follow. Nathan O Hagan’s book is very similar to yours so I’m sure he won’t mind me saying that it might be worth having a quick scout over what he’s written and seeing if you can follow his lead on transitions between scenes. Of course, this is just my view. The advice I was given was only listen to your critics if deep down you think yes I agree this is right, if you genuinely think it’s working you know the story better than I do. However, apart from that tiny quibble I think this is really great. I’ve read the first three chapters and will try and get round to reading some more. This gets a place on my shelf.

Harry Cunningham
‘The Soul in the Sea.’

I very much enjoyed your first chapter. It is written very well, and flows perectly. I will read on when I have more time but wanted to stop by and let you know you have a very good story so far. Blessings, Lacy

I am 2 chapters in and I am really enjoying your book I particularly like your 3 main characters they have me hooked I also find your style of writing very easy to read and it flows well. In chapter 3 I found the character of Shannon very interesting. will read more on my watchlist highly starred.

Rob,
I've read the first four chapters so far and I'm loving it. Three diverse characters--each with his or her distinct voice, and each interesting and quirky. I love the way you gave us just enough information to let us know them, but kept some mystery to them as well. Now I'll have to keep reading to find out what made them the way they are and to find out why they are running away. Interested, too, to find out what caused them to become such good friends since they seem unlikely companions. This is unique and fascinating. Your writing is very good. I will be back to read more.
Great job. Highly starred.
Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Fink is an enthralling story that captured my interest right from the start, the variety of characters and complexity of each individual is astounding. I'm only on Chapter 5 for now but cannot hardly wait to read more!

There is palpabe energy to your writing. Some of your writing gives the feeling of a headrush. It's obvious you write on full-throttle. I'm curious to see where this story goes. ~~Bohemian~~

If I could write like this, I would have a maid, because I'd be rich.

Rob,

I have read the first seven chapters of "Fink". It is certainly an accomplished piece of work and you have an exceptional skill with words. I have to admit, however, that it's probably not the sort of novel I would normally read, purely for pleasure, if it had not been on authonomy.

I do have a couple of minor quibbles, though, believe me, these are nit-picks of the most trivial nature. Some of your sentences are rather long, and I did find myself having to read some of them a second or third time to try to untangle the various subsidiary clauses and discover what you are saying. Also, I wondered if Chris' first person voice was a little too erudite and educated for someone who seems to be from a much more humble background - just a thought.

You do seem to remind the reader more often than seems really necessary that Lynda is a former anorexic and Shannon is a binge-eater - admittedly, the place where I most noticed this was in the scene at the motorway service area, where food is very much in the foreground, so this is the obvious place to discuss it - but I did think at one point whether there was any other aspect to these two women's personalities than their respective (and, to my mind, suspiciously complementary) eating disorders.

On the positive side, I particularly love the way you're able to weave so many cultural references so effortlessly into the text - I'm rather envious of that skill, to be honest. They really add a note of realism to the story and bring the narrative to life.

Good luck with this novel. It certainly deserves a much wider readership.

best wishes and good writing,

John Bayliss

Hi Robert,

I've read up to the end of chapter 4 at the moment and thought I'd take a break to reflect what I've read back to you.
This is a real eye-opening piece of work... issues that I've never encountered in literature before, anorexia and binge eating. The combination of the two will supplement Chris' thoughts brilliantly.
You've written an engrossing account of the what should usually be mundane, the ordering of the fast food, for example. (The pointing to the cookie remark made me chuckle, by the way.)
I'm looking forward to finding out more about why they're on the run, what sort of demons Chris had/has lurking within him, how the three of them met and how their relationships will evolve.

Highly starred and a backing will come shortly!

Cheers,
Adam

I love the way you dedicate chapters to describing your characters. It helps to build up a picture in the readers mind of who they are and to ultimately care about what happens to them. I admire any writer who can get under the skin of their characters so they become much more than words on a page. Chris Lynda and Shannon are deeply flawed in their own way and you show how they interact with each other and become very important to each other. You tackle some pretty serious subjects (violence, anorexia, bulimia) and you handle them sensitively which is a hard thing to do. Your writing style is very accomplished and flows easily. I can't see any reason why Fink wouldn't do well. Keep up the good work!

Kim (Pain)

Comments for Fink.

Cover – Great! Daisy did an awesome job!

Short pitch – I’d trim it a little. I’d drop either ‘ghost by violence’ or ‘running from the past’, and then have ‘dream of being free’. Running from the past is slightly clichéd I guess, but I’m not sure if they matters much with the short pitch – they tend to be quite generic anyway.

Long pitch – A bit clunky, Rob. I think you have the same problem as me in that you try and squeeze too much into each sentence. ‘Is made’ apparent? Might be better if you use ‘becomes’. I’d drop the last sentence. I don’t want to be told what happens as the books nears its conclusion.

C1

Works best with an informal tone but a smattering of old fashioned words/phrases appear which wrench the reader (or me, if I’m being specific), out of the story. It feels a bit overworked at times. You can make this sleeker.

For example: ‘Leastways’? How old fashioned it that?

You can trim down a few sentences: ‘A big plus for us, such as we have, is that we . . .’ What does the inclusion of ‘such as we have’ serve? It slows down your prose and adds nothing of value.

It’s a really good idea to start your novel with your main characters in flight.

C2

‘Directly facing her . . .’ Cut directly.

‘Bug under a microscope . . .’ That made me cringe a bit, Rob.

The italicised thoughts really help bring this chapter alive.

The second chapter flows much better. It feels more conversational.

C3

I like how you’ve set your characters out in the first three chapters. It’ll be interesting to see how you structure the narrative with these alternating points-of-view. It’ll certainly take a fair amount of skill to weave them together and make each voice distinct.

I shall return to read more in the future.

Iso

Paid On Return

Fink. By Robert Heath. Rob 1969. 22/02/2012

Thought you may like some feedback from a fellow allotment holder. This is a constructive review but I am not a literary analyst nor grammatical expert. I will indicate what jars/doesn't flow for me. I will not add to the many positive feedback examples from previous readers.

General. At first I thought you had mistakenly written in lengthy sentences but quickly noted that this is your style. Great, except that in places you seem to change the subject/direction whilst in the mid-sentence which I find confusing.
The narrator is confusing as he seems to consist of two people. One, a Taxi Driver and the other some kind of literary academic. (maybe he has been sacked from his Academic job and...)
I'm okay with the first few paras – literary prose – for a while, but eventually want an insight into the characters stated (or at least the narrator) and some hint of the plot. These are not forthcoming in the first chapter.
Maybe the GPS isn't too good. The Taxi starts at Macclesfield, travels 2 hours at 70mph and at the penultimate para we are at the M62. Two hours would get us to Carlisle(140 miles). Also maybe we should be heading north east towards A1 north to cross the Firth of Forth if on the way to Shetland ferry.

Chapter 1.
Para. 3 Maybe some full stops M74. Network proper.
Metallic shuffling (great) but then followed by new voice – ensepulchred. (maybe find another metaphorical phrase?
Hiking in the Peak District. (Maybe hill-walking.).
Reg. Plate (full-stop).
That come a later date. (comma required).
Sine qua non. (I hate foreign quotes and Taxi drivers who speak in Latin or whatever (except Deutch) because I don't understand them.

Chapter 2
These were boisterous pupils. Whose pov is this? Lynda's – if so it tells us about Lynda. The writer's – if so it tells us about the writer.
Toyed – repetitive.
In the end, (comma).
Macc High (full-stop.).
Truth was – this sentence changes tense e.g.' what people do' (maybe what people did).
'She was..' (maybe omit was words) Aged 39...
Religious Education? Maybe Macclesfield supports a large multicultural society. If so religious teaching problems.
'Listen, you look stressed. (maybe comma and omit 'to the max.').
Mein Kampf and Hun. Any connection? Freudian slip?
The corridor ending with right or left choice. (unnecessary confusion).
'Banging on that yes. (meaning?).
She recognised not. ( a little clumsy in the midst of current literacy.).
Sudden information re. day four. (Should this be stated earlier?).

Chapter 3. 'That Shannon.' (awkward sentence beginning.)
(I'll not point out any more comma/full-stop or use of 'was' words. The long sentences with missing punctuation is really slowing me down. I either read it and it doesn't advance the story, or I scan it thereby missing chunks of text.
I am really struggling now Rob.

Chapter 4.
I now know he's Chris; a Taxi driver and not an academic.
I find the paras (whole chapter) on food off-putting. I'm still searching for plot or something exciting to happen.
This chapter was, for me, a bit of a non-event. (Unless there is an implication in relation to an anorexic teacher and an obese pupil which produces a psychological/food linkage which will cue a future episode.)

Sorry to be so negative. However, maybe I have it all wrong as the majority of your readers comments are okay with this. But the opening paras in Chap 1 really pulled me along. The remainder didn't follow the pitches which implied a really thrilling read.

Chris. Collateral Damage.CO.UK

good work - pitch could perhaps do with a wee edit or rewrite. Likewise, keep an eye on sentance structure, length, etc. It's powerful stuff, so look after it.
best
g

Hi Robert

First of all, let me say that I have no particular skills in literary criticism. Take anything I say as coming from a common-or-garden punter and occasional scribbler.

I read your first nine chapters, and was hooked by what I was reading throughout. You obviously love language, and some of your descriptions are really great. I would go so far as to say that there are passages that are almost mesmerisingly poetic. There are also passages that are edgy, even almost "stream of consciousness", which are appropriate for the characters concerned, given their respective nightmares.

On the subject of characters, I found all three main characters well described inside and out, fully three-dimensional, flawed figures. Your seconday characters too are well observed or well rounded - we sense that there's a back story to them, which I feel is somewhat important, even if their back story is irrelevant to the main plot.

The dialogue struck me as natural. The story kept moving (I hate getting bogged down), and you managed to unveil the situation and backgrounds of the main characters in a natural, gradual way that avoided info-dumps, and you left the reader always wanting to know a bit more.

Well done! Now for the niggles.

Some of these are easily fixed editing and typo issues. There are a few "grocer's apostrophes" here and there. There are a number of misplaced commas (not "Oxford" ones) and a few missing question marks. In chapter 5 you say "now he is lay with her", obviously meaning "laying", in chapter 6 "thanks to the later" should of course be "latter" and in chapter 8 "less transactions" should be "fewer". I come across these sorts of things in my work all the time, despite all my best efforts!

Another thing I noticed was the strange use of certain words. I found myself sitting with an open dictionary, seeing whether some of these words allowed for the meaning or use you were giving them. I wondered whether one of your characters was given to malapropisms, but then the strange word usage did not seem to be restricted to any one character. There seem to be quite a few odd usages, but here are some of the ones I noticed: "fugue-like" (chap.1), "impart the same on someone else" (chap.2 - one imparts TO, but I'm unsure of the use of "impart" in the first place), "sundered form" (chap.7 - how was there a cutting in half?), "regaled in black" (chap.8), "recanting those oft-heard words" (chap. 9 - "incanting"?).

I can see why this book is getting so much attention, praise, and a good number of backings. It's good work. I'm very glad we agreed to swap reads. I've spent a very pleasant two or three hours with you through your wounded characters!

Every blessing
Fr. Ambrose

Read all 11 chapters…

This is an insightful story and amazingly sensitive. This is one man who's able to get inside a woman's head. This is critical to the story because it deals with bullies and how victims and bullies feel… those who can.

It's a very descriptive story, too, and has considerable emotional depth.

A comment about commas: I notice one reader gently commented about having extra commas. These are sometimes called 'Oxford Commas' or 'formal commas', and they serve a very useful purpose in that without them, sentences and meanings are sometimes ambiguous. For example 'an anorexic teacher and a binger eater' could be construed as one person. I think you got it right.

Backed, of course!

Super Harsh Critique Service - Please remember this critique is harder than winning a World Cup host bid without bribes.

Okay, first impressions. If some of your opening sentences were competing in an Olympic marathon, they'd award you first place before firing the starting pistol, then let the rest of the competitors compete for the remaining places, while the crowd looks on with disinterest, drinking overpriced soft drinks and eating overpriced, terrible, fatty food, having paid extraordinarily high prices to witness an event that wasn't even a competition for first place, and it's probably drizzling with rain...

There, I think I beat you.

I feel a few extra commas could help, along with the option of breaking some of these up a little. My brain got tired trying to guess when they'd end. Where the commas are concerned, in paragraph 3 right after M74 you could place one. You could then take out the next comma. I believe this would better convey the meaning of the sentence, unless I interpreted it incorrectly. Maybe you could also place a fullstop after 'network proper', lose the next 'and', then make a new sentence. I think that paragraph can handle 3 sentences rather than 2. That 3rd sentence, once you make it, could really do with a comma or two as well.

Anyhow, I'll stumble on.

Okay, finished stumbling. I'll be honest, this has less hook than a broken fishing line. At least to an unreasonable person like me. I was hoping something other that road names and GPS would occur by the 6th or 7th paragraph. If it takes me as long to read about the drive as it does to complete it in real life, I will off myself.

It's clear the quality of the writing is there. You also managed to make me read for half a page, hoping they'd crash the car. For this reason I can give it 3 stars.

I hope the windscreen wiper blades are working on the car, to swipe away the falling tears.

Kind regards,
Paul.

Hey Robert,

I came upon this by accident, and felt the urge to just read it. Now, three chapters in, I can say that you are very skilled. Well that's an understatement, but the perfect statement eludes me. It is an honest work, something to be celebrated, and although the characters seem damaged and broken, it makes them infinitely more fascinating. Flaws are fascinating. I see you are at number 40 with this book, and so this comment is probably unneeded, you should be aware by now of your accomplishment.

Michael

Rob1969

you welcomed me this morning and suggested I read your book.This is first few chapter comments only. I should say that I like long chapters, partly because it gives me something to dig my teeth into and partly, practically, because of the time spent uploading - I feel cheated if I only get a few hundred words and I'm old enough to remember reading on paper rather than on screens.

Chapter 1 struck me as too selfconsciously literally. Too much reflection and rationalisation, too wordy and no sign of a story. This is where presentation comes in - had it been part of a longer chapter I would have read on, because the words themselves are fitted together nicely and I know the places you're talking about, having driven the M6/M74 many, many times.Then the jump into Lynda's pov and then into Shannon's... By the end of ch3, I was still desperately fumbling around for a thread or a character I could respond to who would draw me through the narrative. I get the nastiness, the bullying, the development of mental illness, touches of transgressive fiction in the images; yes, I can see that the prose is lucid; yes, I have the first chapter that tells me something of where this is heading but I don't get the raw visceral feeling I do from Irvine Welch: so far everything feels rather detached. As I read on (I've reached ch5), I did begin to be drawn in, perhaps because you've relaxed a bit, perhaps because I enjoyed Carla dissecting 'Great Expectations' - because of that I can forgive everything she's done to Shannon. In fact, ch4&5 appealed much more than the first parts (I very nearly gave up after ch1, and only the feeling it was not fair to judge by so short a section kept me going) because the writing seemed more relaxed and less selfconscious. I appreciate this might not be what you wanted, especially from a newbie who has joined up only today.

If they're heading to Shetland (as your pitch suggests) I think they'd be driving to Aberdeen or Scrabster rather than Glasgow.

MG

Dear Rob

I have read up to chapter six of "Fink". What clever, sharp writing.

There are several elements to this book which deserve respect. First, the subject matter, which, though not for the faint-hearted, is something we should all be more aware of: the nature of addiction, recovery, grief and all our coping mechanisms. Second, the quality of your writing - "acid chains of anorexia" is one phrase picked at random. You combine great use of language with a sharply observed, light touch. There is nothing to fault in your style, either. It fits with the subject matter. Highly rated.

Fran :-)

I just started reading and I have to say it was a real treat. Long and short pitches are great, made me want to dive right in, the first chapter made me want to keep reading but time got the best of me. I will be back for more!

Chapter 1

I waited until I read through all the chapters you have posted before I wrote my commentary on your first chapter because I didn't want to start on a negative note and I hoped that as I read - the reason that you chose to start the novel this way would make sense. After having read everything you have posted here and enjoyed it so very much, I can only be honest and give you my gut reaction to the first chapter...

I really don't think this should be your first chapter. I think I read an earlier version where chapter two was your first chapter and I liked it so much better. My problem with this chapter is not just that it isn't quite as well written and literary as chapter two - showing off your artistry and command of language, but also that chapter two is where the action starts - it's a lot more interesting of a chapter and one that will draw the reader in more. The opening of a novel is so so critical and this one just doesn't offer "enough." Besides the fact that I found it confusing. We go from the interaction she has with her students - some sort of standoff - to another teacher showing up at the door to rescue her (maybe?) and then what? she just walks out of the classroom? There didn't seem to be a resolution to what happened in the classroom. Perhaps with this as a later chapter it wouldn't have bugged me so much but as your first chapter - I was a bit lost and I don't think it showcases what a talented writer you are and what a powerful story you have to tell.

Chapter 2

"the sun is just starting to slide up the horizon's arc like a prophecy, slow degrees of incremental illumination backlighting the low puffy cloud that has pacified much of this May morning sky."

I love the description of trucks like dinosaurs. And the description of the taxi like an army officer stripped of his rank.

"hazy like rain-fused fog"

I love how you end this chapter.

Chapter 3

Wow. You capture Shannon's voice so powerfully. I was there with her through the entire thing. I couldn't stop reading - couldn't take my eyes off the page for the entire chapter. She is so very real. And sad.

Chapter 4

hmm...this seemed a bit cliche: "she speaks to me in the language of myth"

middle of the chapter you say "I jest rather crapply" - do you mean crassly? or is that a Britishism I am not familiar wth?

Chapter 5

I love the combination here of Dickens and teenage life. Of Estella and Carla.

Chapter 6

Love this: "working the gears as I work my mind"

I am a bit unsure about the screaming incident here. It sort of comes out of nowhere and seems uncharaceristic and confused me. I couldn't understand what happened on the phone that caused the freak-out session.

Chapter 7

The paragraph here that starts with "Chris contemplates..." is so very powerful. Especially this: "it's the shame and the silence and the solitude not the pain that crushes you"

Chapter 8

I am wondering why this chapter is numbered when the rest of the novel so far was not...I mean, I like it and it works, but it just seems a bit out of place compared with the rest of the novel.

Chapter 9

I'm not sure you need the italicized beginning part of this chapter. I think it's more powerful if you just go straight into "Lynda Hopwood knew all about anorexia...." let her state that it's also called "Ana" or let her quote the definition - weave it into the narrative.

Some real powerful stuff here too. Especially towards the end of the chapter.

Chapter 10

I'm not really sure I understand why they need to torch the car instead of driving it into the woods and leaving it somewhere non-descript. Doesn't a burning car attract more attention than just dumping the car somewhere?

Chapter 11

End of chapter 11 is oh so powerful too - but you can't just leave me hanging. Does carla really die? How? And Chris kills Jay?? What? OMG I need to read more of this.

MORE I WANT MORE SEND ME MORE!!!!

;)

- Rena

I just realized I can leave a comment now just as a placeholder! I am your 100th comment! Woohoo! I will come back and edit this with my comments and review when I finish reading.

Having read everything you have posted here and commented on it above, all I can say is that what I think is most amazing about your writing is that not only do you have very beautiful literary turns of phrase and moments when I had to just stop myself and re-read a certain paragraph etc. but you capture the deep gut of the emotion of your characters - you bring them to life on the page in 3D and that is your greatest strength.

I think that your current chapter 2 is the most literary and I'd like to see more of that kind of writing incorporated into the other chapters. It seems that when Chris speaks you are the most eloquent and your writing is the most lyrical. I'd love to see that everywhere - unless this is on purpose?

Regardless there is so much to admire here - the way you get into the head of your characters whether they be 40 year old men or 16 year old girls is very much to be commended.

- Rena

Hello Robert,
1-3, pulled up due to time constraints but I wanted to continue.
Impressive, nuanced and always surprising. Just as good writing should be.
The start is well crafted, offering the surprise that Lynda is a teacher and not a student, as well as setting the 'internal narrative'. The dialogue rings true throughout and with it menace is effectively conveyed.
You have flourishes of prose that add spice but don't distract from the flow. Overall the prose is slick and well polished.
Am I just repeating other peoples comments? Sometimes a valid constructive criticism comes when I'm writing these reviews but not here. The risk with multiple characters and POVs is that the sum of the parts fails to land a KO on the chin. You have worked hard to integrate them with chap headings etc. After 3 chaps I can see this having a George Foreman power behind it!
High stars and on my WL.
Thank you for a great read.
John
Dropping Babies.

Hi Rob, am on Chapter 4 and I have to say that 'showing me the inside of her head with the outside of her body' is an excellent and very insightful way of summarising of eating disorders.

I'm a big fan of this kind of writing, character driven and raising questions rather than focusing too intently on plot. Although there is evidence of a great one slowly developing. I don't have a problem with the switching between characters, although I wonder why you have written Chris in the first person and Lynda and Sharon mostly in the third? He's a pretty deep thinker isn't he? Impressive vocabulary as well, just goes to show you shouldn't make assumptions as soon as you see the words 'taxi driver'!

I have been a full-time 4-5 days a week high school substitute teacher for over ten years, so this instantly grabbed my attention. i suppose it also gave me a higher level of sympathy with your mc (and a real desire to shake some management skills into her, which for me added to the tension in a positive way) than maybe even the average reader would have.

That said, it also kept me reading and interested. I definitely feel invested in your story and it's only the first chapter. I love my job and the kids, but I totally know teachers like this, and I imagine their own internal dialogues must be something similar... Very well captured.

I'm not sure your students were quite as well done - I'd be interested to let one of my classes read it (edited a bit, of course) and see if they bought it. They make FABULOUS critics. I use them all the time when I'm editing. (even on my own stuff when I'm feeling brave).

Anyhow, I really liked it, and I believe I'm feeling compelled to shelve it...

I'd love any comments on my own btw - good or bad.
Vieve
(Republic)

hi Robert, I read 1-6

I found that you know your way round British culture and explore the various deviancies with great insight. Your language is colourful and upbeat and your characters shine with qualitites which have a stereotype-turned- individual quality.

Your critical eye rests on every hair and pimple which shows up on the screen of whichever character is at the centre of the current chapter. The title 'Fink' fits perfectly, giving a guided tour of all those things which are derisive and unlovely. And still your main characters have kept some strength in trying to overcome and struggle in the direction of hope, forgetfulness, love, health, and above all the escape into another land with the possibility of learning how to eat 'normally'.

I was taken in by your use of language and found it skilled in painting a picture, which shows an uncomfortable, yet real world of capitalistic overindulgence in every way. And additionally you portray human passions, lusts, denials and regrets with a sophisticated eye which leaves no stone unturned.
I admired your writing craft and although the negativity made me feel slightly depressed I was still stunned by your gift of observation which accurately captures the existence of a hellish world, even if the mention of such a term is not very fashionable as an expression in today's renewed modernist view. Or should that be post-post- modernist-damned? A great read. This will soon be on my shelf.

Ame
Wolfmother and Normsville Trilogy

hi Robert, I read 1-6

I found that you know your way round British culture and explore the various deviancies with great insight. Your language is colourful and upbeat and your characters shine with qualitites which have a stereotype-turned- individual quality.

Your critical eye rests on every hair and pimple which shows up on the screen of whichever character is at the centre of the current chapter. The title 'Fink' fits perfectly, giving a guided tour of all those things which are derisive and unlovely. And still your main characters have kept some strength in trying to overcome and struggle in the direction of hope, forgetfulness, love, health, and above all the escape into another land with the possibility of learning how to eat 'normally'.

I was taken in by your use of language and found it skilled in painting a picture, which shows an uncomfortable, yet real world of capitalistic overindulgence in every way. And additionally you portray human passions, lusts, denials and regrets with a sophisticated eye which leaves no stone unturned.
I admired your writing craft and although the negativity made me feel slightly depressed I was still stunned by your gift of observation which accurately captures the existence of a hellish world, even if the mention of such a term is not very fashionable as an expression in today's renewed modernist view. Or should that be post-post- modernist-damned? A great read. This will soon be on my shelf.

Ame
Wolfmother and Normsville Trilogy

hi Robert, I read 1-6

I found that you know your way round British culture and explore the various deviancies with great insight. Your language is colourful and upbeat and your characters shine with qualitites which have a stereotype-turned- individual quality.

Your critical eye rests on every hair and pimple which shows up on the screen of whichever character is at the centre of the current chapter. The title 'Fink' fits perfectly, giving a guided tour of all those things which are derisive and unlovely. And still your main characters have kept some strength in trying to overcome and struggle in the direction of hope, forgetfulness, love, health, and above all the escape into another land with the possibility of learning how to eat 'normally'.

I was taken in by your use of language and found it skilled in painting a picture, which shows an uncomfortable, yet real world of capitalistic overindulgence in every way. And additionally you portray human passions, lusts, denials and regrets with a sophisticated eye which leaves no stone unturned.
I admired your writing craft and although the negativity made me feel slightly depressed I was still stunned by your gift of observation which accurately captures the existence of a hellish world, even if the mention of such a term is not very fashionable as an expression in today's renewed modernist view. Or should that be post-post- modernist-damned? A great read. This will soon be on my shelf.

Ame
Wolfmother and Normsville Trilogy

Just stopped by to read Chapter 1...I liked it - a lot. I will be back very soon! Ruby

FINK
This is a good story. I like you take a whole chapter to introduce a character before you move on to introduce the next. I couldn’t help but identify with Lynda; when I look back at high school I didn’t ever give one a finger, but I didn’t think of them as having feelings either. The overall idea of the story is good; we all make irrational decisions sometimes and have to live with them. Makes this an interesting read to see how your characters will deal with the rash decision of just heading out of town. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President.

Hi Robert,
chap1

I have just started and this is obviously a very well devised novel and you know what you're doing. I felt safe in your capable hands from the very start, as the language, description, dialogue and characters are all spot-on. I couldn't fault this scene with the little shits giving the poor teacher hell, and the sophisticated world-wise Mike, superficial and on the pull, making his move to get another notch on his belt.
The looming conflict is well set up, the comments on faith and belief sound rather normal, and the rift between generations is deep enough to warrant investigation. Needless to say, I shall continue, but was unable to do so due to the famous Gateway Error, lol.

Ame

I like the topics that you address in the story bullies, anorexia and binge eating are all topics that teenagers as well as adults can empathize with. Your character development of Carla's and Shannon's storyline is very solid. I like you use of narrative not to much descriptions of their backstory. Having the characters go on a literal journey as well as an emotional journey creates a story that readers will immediately relate to some aspect of their own childhood.

Rob,

I opened your book, not out of guilt, but out of gratitude for the way you have supported me and this new Christian forum.

I am so impressed by your story and your writing. I started keeping track of all my favorite sentences, but then I realized, I liked them all and I would be writing more than reading. You have a gift of taking words and using them in the most artistic and descriptive way. Here are a few of my favorites and all these I found in the first part of chapter one!

“…as if he’d been there always, peering in from the cusp of her world as she crumbled - a sand castle at the tides turn.”

“Righting himself from his previous catalogue pose”

“Re-baptized in the demonic fire of hormonal teenager”

“Yet to Lynda it smelled cloying - like the fingers of some aromatic glove clasped over her face”

“Engaging in a social to-ing and fro-ing that was as alien to her as Sanskrit”

You created in me a true compassion and understanding of your characters, and by the end of chapter four I wanted them to succeed in their plan, whatever that is. You were successful in placing a dread in me for the terrible mistake these good people made - harboring a runaway minor, willing as she is.

I loved the fact that each character has somehow become stronger and has been changed by one another. Out of them all, Chris’ transformation and his ability to love and care for another human being is what intrigues me the most. I skimmed the rest of the book because I was so intrigued. What I gleaned from my quick glance made me cringe for Chris. Shoot, he messed up. But there’s got to be hope for him, doesn’t there? I’ll be back to find out. Six stars!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Dear Rob,
Wow. I have read through your first 6 chapters today. Although I found myself a bit uncomfortable with some of the language and content, I have only the highest praise for your writing style in this fine piece of literature. This is a strongly constructed story built around the raw revelations of entirely authentic characters. Many stories are told with a little characterization thrown in here or there, but this...this is told utterly and completely through the eyes of some truly believable, real characters. Chris, Lynda, and Shannon are tremendously drawn, each in their own way revealing a rich depth of the human soul. The theme of widespread addiction is powerful as well. In addition, your poetic use of words is beautiful and timely and again very, very real ("like a vanquished dream..." and "a warp and a weft of questions whose answers only beget more questions..."). This is really an amazing piece. I will star highly today and continue reading all you have posted here.
All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

'The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation' [Thoreau] and in your brilliant juxtaposition of these three unloved beings you create a vortex, spiralling downward, which I feel can only end in all of them going down the plughole. Compulsive reading, this, almost like bingeing on forbidden foods [but not junk, far from it]. England, 2012. How you can write so insightfully about eating disorders is either a triumph of imagination or written from bitter experience [its sexist to assume men don't do these things]. Fine detail and intimate knowledge of your landscape only reinforces my feeling that this story will not have a happy ending. But that's okay by me. Six stars and I hope to shelve this soon. Frances 'Dollywagglers' K...

Really enjoyed this, Rob. Highly starred and on my shelf.

The prose is just so smooth with an appropriately conversational, almost chatty feel. I love all the quirkily original imagery and observations, adds real energy to the prose. Lynda’s character is clearly and persuasively evoked with her subtly demonstrated character flaws and vulnerability making her an appealingly sympathetic, very engaging MC. I did feel, however, that some of the word choice/phrasing came across as slightly too ornate/flamboyant given how closely the story is told from Lynda’s POV and the novel might benefit from a simpler more direct narrative style, although clearly this is a judgement call.

The dialogue feels real and purposeful and cleverly helps to flesh out the novel’s various characters. It’s also terrifically funny in places – both in the prose and conversational exchanges – with a good blend of wry, world-weariness and energetic surrealism. Nicely done. The plot sounds well thought out and complex and – given the mix of comedy, drama and adventure - should appeal to a broad cross-section of readers.

In short, a very stylish, often very funny, terrifically original opening. Thanks and best of luck. A



I made some notes on the opening chapter as I went along. Please feel free to ignore!!

Love the opaqueness/comedy of opening scene. Cleverly sets the tone for the novel.

‘as if it were an overdue train’ – not sure about this?? rather weak/clichéd and the reference feels a bit off?? (I don’t think school kids spend much time waiting for trains??)

Terrific stylised dialogue. (‘Dowt it. Skinny weird’!!)

She tried to sound forceful… etc [cap S as not dialogue tag]

‘Didn’t mime that one’ – not sure what this refers to??

‘Lynda [not she] continued to stare ahead…’ otherwise unclear??

‘She toyed with ejecting him…’ - who’s ‘him’? isn’t Keisha a girl??

‘like some squaddy’s homecoming…’

‘sprent’ unless this is common vernacular in Macclesfield, it rather jars??

‘bashing head against brick wall’ – cliché??

Repetition of ‘slow motion’.

‘her parents’ religious views’

‘Deep inside… Faith in her parents…’ – maybe use semi-colons not full-stops??

‘catalogue pose’ – I think I know what you mean but I don’t think it quite works??

‘…hormonal teenager.’ Putting his faith… ‘…putting it.’ Level with him…’ I like the rather unconventional structure/formatting but I think the punctuation needs a bit of a rethink?? At the moment, it interferes with the flow of the narrative??

Like the exchange between Mike and Lynda. Feels very real. Helps flesh out their characters.

Excellent internal monologue inserts. Cleverly demonstrates L’s fragile self-confidence, destructive mindset.

‘But now they had traversed…etc’ – some of the vocab/phrasing feels far too ornate/knowing to fit with Lynda’s POV??

‘mournful looks’ seems at odds with the look someone gives the ‘recently bereaved’??

Love Mike’s reported speech (‘pub was a banker’ etc) Vivid and very funny.

‘waiting arms of mother solitude’ – again, this feels rather overblown, a bit ‘writerly’ for Lynda’s POV??

‘slinked’? ‘slunk’?

This is so incredibly good that I think I'm going to have to read the full manuscript. And soon.

Hi Rob, I've just read the first four chapters of Fink and am gripped. Well done, you have a wonderful piece here. I wanted to let you know that I find your story intriguing and love the way you use successive chapters to introduce the characters separately with an inkling of overlap, or shared experience, to give a clue to how they may have ended up in the same car. Lynda's character and frailties are beautifully sketched in chapter one and I'm already rooting for her. Chapter two drew me in and you have a very distinct voice for the taxi driver (though I have slightly less hold on his backstory, which is probably intended, just letting you know). Shannon is also vibrant and brought alive by the language she chooses and the last shocking paragraph of cruel bullying tells me all I need to know for now. So you have intrigued and pulled me right in and you write beautifully - well done and you are well starred and held fondly on my w/l. I have put my bookmark in place and look forward to chapter five, Best wishes, Sarah