Cast In The Shadows

I love the accents ^.^ This is very well written but I am dismayed to tell you I don't have the teeniest bit of time to read it all... But I like it so far. ONTO MY BACKINGS! N' if ya'll would do the favor back, it'd be greatly appreciated :)

I love the accents ^.^ This is very well written but I am dismayed to tell you I don't have the teeniest bit of time to read it all... But I like it so far. ONTO MY BACKINGS! N' if ya'll would do the favor back, it'd be greatly appreciated :)

I think your book shows promise, but it shares the flaw of many fantasy books, that when creating another world, you spend a lot of your time setting up and describing that world to the reader, or there is no background for them.

At the moment you have a lot of names, places and a few "tribes" but they are all ambiguous to the new reader. And as inventing your own world, instead of borrowing someone else's, and being the first book, you haven't got an established mythology to fall back on.

(Such as Middle Earth, Viking mythology, Celtic sagas, Hans Christian Anderson, or the Brother's Grimm Middle European folklore, Anne McCathrey's Pern, etc etc....)

I thinky you need a bit more establishing in you story's background world.

In the first two chapters you have written smoothly and understandibly. I can feel the pain she was feeling and the gratitude the Prairie Drifters felt. But I have no clue where and when this is taking place. Im assuming somewhere in Texas because of the "Ya'll's" Very well done!

Thanks glad you think so!
Actually this is a fantasy and it takes place in a completely made up world XD Stated so in the Pitch of my story.
I just put an accent to them to show a difference in location through the Kingdoms.

In the first two chapters you have written smoothly and understandibly. I can feel the pain she was feeling and the gratitude the Prairie Drifters felt. But I have no clue where and when this is taking place. Im assuming somewhere in Texas because of the "Ya'll's" Very well done!

I love what you've done with chapter 1. In three short paragraphs you've shown us the setting, your MC's goals, and hinted at the plot, and you did it all with excellent, compelling writing. Once we enter the second chapter, you continue with good characterization and development of the world around her. I like that she keeps the map; it tells me a lot about her character.

You've developed some nice tension toward the end of the second chapter, and it serves as a solid hook. In addition to what you have already written, I think this will keep your readers intrigued.

Suggestions: I would work on showing more than telling. Sentences such as "The house was quiet..." and "It wasn't quite yet harvest..." and "The soldiers there were rowdy and unmaintained" would be stronger if you showed your reader this. I would reorder the sentence "Birch bounded out of..." to have the "As she heard footsteps on the porch" come first. Otherwise it seems like things are happening out of order. My last suggestion has to do with your pitch. I think it needs to be centered around Birch. Otherwise, we don't have any sort of connection to a character. You can still mention the conflict, but it should be centered around your main character. Just something to think about.

Minor typos: "broad rimmed" needs to be hyphenated. Pronouns (he, she, etc) aren't capitalized after dialogue (i.e. "Alright," she said."). Also, when it's an action, you need a period prior to it, rather than a comma (i.e. "For now we must go." He looked at everyone..."

This is a solid beginning. I love the premise and Birch's character. Despite my suggestions, I enjoyed reading this and wish you the best of luck with it!

Thank you very much. I'm glad I got a decent footstep in the right direction :]

I was thinking of doing the same thing but I didn't want it too seem too wordy. But I'll give it a try for sure. It would add more to the story.

I'll go back and fix that. Thanks for pointing that out. I tend to over look things like that too often for my own good.

I'll think about that. The only problem is I don't have the whole story planned out. I know the general direction I want to go in and how it should end. I'll go back and revise my summary once I've got a solid hold in that territory.

Yeah... Grammar and I aren't friends. I'll go back and fix those. Thanks for pointing that out! :]

Thank you so much for the feedback and support! I really really appreciate it! :D

Fantastic writing! Your descriptions are clear and concise, and you mix them in well with your narrative. I love the accents you've incorporated into your dialogue. The only constructive thing I've been able to come up with for you is some nitpicking, so here it is. Please remember that these are my oppinions; my word is not law (but don't tell anyone else).

Chapter 2 (unless the firs one is a prologue, in which case Chapter 1)

“The soldiers were rowdy and unmaintained.” Unmaintained seems like an akward choice of words to me. Perhaps "undiciplined" would be better?

“She distasted her hair almost as much as she distasted having to wear a dress.” Distasted also seems like an odd choice of words to me. "Detested" or "hated" might be better, maybe even both so you're not repeating the same word.

“Not by her but by her family.” I found this slightly unclear. Perhaps “At least not by her family.”

“Most likely used to this...” I think this sentence either needs to start with “He” or be connected to the previous one with a comma.

“...they were the bane of the Empires existence.” Should be “Empire’s”.

“...off assisting her mother, sister and brother.” Seems a bit long winded, you could condense it to “family”.

“They began to divide the sacks into smaller ones to load onto their saddle’s...” Should be “saddles”.

“...leggy and well built. Their muscles...” I think you should use a comma and change this to one sentence.

“...unlike most people (male and female) that she had ever seen...” I feel that the “(male and female)” is unnecessary and takes away from the feel of the narrative.

Also, in describing the Prarie Drifters' hair you used the term "whitewashed with copper" and also later you used white and copper together to describe hair. I'm unsure of what you mean with them, as it sounds like you are saying their hair is white, but copper is a reddish-brown. Perhaps a bit of clarification?

That's as far as I've gotten, and I will deffinately be back to finish the rest, though I won't promise to give as detailed a comment. Is the whole book complete, or is it a work in progress? Might be a good thing to put in your description if you don't plan to upload the entire book.

Great book, I look forwards to watching it climb the ranks :)

Pfft. I find feedback and criticism the best type of laws to follow (though you don't have to worry. I won't tell anyone else ;D ) Nitpicking is fine with me. It gives me more to think about and you're probably not nitpicking but telling me things I overlooked.

Thanks very much for thinking that about my descriptions! And the accents. I know it's sometimes frowned upon in writing to write an accent but I couldn't help it. It makes the characters feel more real, ya know?

Comment #1- That word does sound better. But I was also thinking of going back and incorporating a small flashback to show how they are rowdy and undisciplined.

Comment #2- XD thanks for catching that! I didn't even realized I used the wrong word. I will go back and fix that :]

Comment #3- Well I was trying to say that she wouldn't hold anything against the Prairie Drifters but her family would. I shall reword it better.

Comment #4- You're right. It is odd to read without the "He" or a comma there. Shall be fixed!
Comment #5- Yes. Grammar is not nice to me. Nor am I nice to it. It shall be fixed!
Comment #6- Again you're right. Now that I reread it, it is unnecessary for that. Fixing!
Comment #7- See comment number five XD
Comment #8- See comment number four but apply to that sentence. Shall be fixed!

Comment #9- Yeah I noticed that too after I had posted. That too will be edited.

About the Prairie Drifter's hair- I image them all to have a certain hair color but for it to be mixed with white. Kinda like when someone ages, their hair becomes like salt and pepper. So his hair is a mix of red-brown and white strands. I'm not too sure on how to reword that though.

It's a work in progress. I'll make room in the summary to say that. I do plan on uploading the whole book. But that will take me awhile xD

Thanks so much for the feedback and support!!! <3 You've given me good parts to look over and some ideas on what to fix.

The first two chapters are very good. I have to say that you got me hooked and I want to know what will happen to Birch now, especially after helping the family of Prairie Drifters. Will she get into trouble? Will something bad happen even though she showed those people kindness. I like your character Birch. She seems like a solid character with a likeable personality and she's smart too, you couldn't put the wool over her eyes.

I didn't see a lot of grammatical mistakes, except the "Birch supplied" instead of "Birch said." When in doubt, go with "he said" or "she said." I know most grammar guides will say it's required and then other more experienced writers will say don't follow the rules (it's artistic expression)... but the word "supplied" is not a word I would use for dialogue. To me, it doesn't sound right. You can also say "she stated" or "she replied." Anyway, besides that you captured the world and the people well through your writing. Good luck to you sweetie! Will come back to read more! Hope you will continue! *hugs* :)

Sorry for the delayed response. I've been so busy lately.

I'm glad I got a decent start to what kind of character Birch is. I wasn't positive if I was showing enough characterization.

I'll go back and fix that. I see what you mean and upon rereading it after so long I see many more mistakes D: Thanks for pointing that out! I'll definately be continuing this story, even if it is at a rather slow pace. Thank you so much for the wonderful feed back and support!! <3

I love what you've done with chapter 1. In three short paragraphs you've shown us the setting, your MC's goals, and hinted at the plot, and you did it all with excellent, compelling writing. Once we enter the second chapter, you continue with good characterization and development of the world around her. I like that she keeps the map; it tells me a lot about her character.

You've developed some nice tension toward the end of the second chapter, and it serves as a solid hook. In addition to what you have already written, I think this will keep your readers intrigued.

Suggestions: I would work on showing more than telling. Sentences such as "The house was quiet..." and "It wasn't quite yet harvest..." and "The soldiers there were rowdy and unmaintained" would be stronger if you showed your reader this. I would reorder the sentence "Birch bounded out of..." to have the "As she heard footsteps on the porch" come first. Otherwise it seems like things are happening out of order. My last suggestion has to do with your pitch. I think it needs to be centered around Birch. Otherwise, we don't have any sort of connection to a character. You can still mention the conflict, but it should be centered around your main character. Just something to think about.

Minor typos: "broad rimmed" needs to be hyphenated. Pronouns (he, she, etc) aren't capitalized after dialogue (i.e. "Alright," she said."). Also, when it's an action, you need a period prior to it, rather than a comma (i.e. "For now we must go." He looked at everyone..."

This is a solid beginning. I love the premise and Birch's character. Despite my suggestions, I enjoyed reading this and wish you the best of luck with it!

Fantasti writing! Your descriptions are clear and concise, and you mix them in well with your narrative. I love the accents you've incorporated into your dialogue. The only constructive thing I've been able to come up with for you is some nitpicking, so here it is. Please remember that these are my oppinions; my word is not law (but don't tell anyone else).

Chapter 2 (unless the firs one is a prologue, in which case Capter 1)

“The soldiers were rowdy and unmaintained.” Unmaintained seems like an akward choice of words to me. Perhaps "undiciplined" would be better?

“She distasted her hair almost as much as she distasted having to wear a dress.” Distasted also seems like an odd choice of words to me. "Detested" or "hated" might be better, maybe even both so you're not repeating the same word.

“Not by her but by her family.” I found this slightly unclear. Perhaps “At least not by her family.”

“Most likely used to this...” I think this sentence either needs to start with “He” or be connected to the previous one with a comma.

“...they were the bane of the Empires existence.” Should be “Empire’s”.

“...off assisting her mother, sister and brother.” Seems a bit long winded, you could condense it to “family”.

“They began to divide the sacks into smaller ones to load onto their saddle’s...” Should be “saddles”.

“...leggy and well built. Their muscles...” I think you should use a comma and change this to one sentence.

“...unlike most people (male and female) that she had ever seen...” I feel that the “(male and female)” is unnecessary and takes away from the feel of the narrative.

Also, in describing the Prarie Drifters' hair you used the term "whitewashed with copper" and also later you used white and copper together to describe hair. I'm unsure of what you mean with them, as it sounds like you are saying their hair is white, but copper is a reddish-brown. Perhaps a bit of clarification?

That's as far as I've gotten, and I will deffinately be back to finish the rest, though I won't promise to give as detailed a comment. Is the whole book complete, or is it a work in progress? Might be a good thing to put in your description if you don't plan to upload the entire book.

Great book, I look forwards to watching it climb the ranks :)

The first two chapters are very good. I have to say that you got me hooked and I want to know what will happen to Birch now, especially after helping the family of Prairie Drifters. Will she get into trouble? Will something bad happen even though she showed those people kindness. I like your character Birch. She seems like a solid character with a likeable personality and she's smart too, you couldn't put the wool over her eyes.

I didn't see a lot of grammatical mistakes, except the "Birch supplied" instead of "Birch said." When in doubt, go with "he said" or "she said." I know most grammar guides will say it's required and then other more experienced writers will say don't follow the rules (it's artistic expression)... but the word "supplied" is not a word I would use for dialogue. To me, it doesn't sound right. You can also say "she stated" or "she replied." Anyway, besides that you captured the world and the people well through your writing. Good luck to you sweetie! Will come back to read more! Hope you will continue! *hugs* :)

I was pleasantly surprised by the level of skill you display in just these few short chapters. You are a very talented writer with a well thought-out, intricate plot. Birch (love the name, by the way) immediately attracts the reader, and the introduction of Gazelle makes me hope for a love connection. I hope I'm not wrong in saying I felt a connection between Birch and Gazelle. The aura of fear permeates Nox and I think you've done a good job building tension, especially in the last chapter. I've put your book on my watchlist for now and I've given this book 5 stars. Great job.

Thank you very much! I wasn't sure how well this would do but your one comment has given me a lot of encouragement ^^
You're on to something! There will definitely be love happening in this book, with who? That's a surprise (maybe). I'm glad that I'm setting the tone correctly. I was worried I wasn't being descriptive enough to make it happen. Thank you so much for giving me 5 stars and adding me to your watchlist!

I was pleasantly surprised by the level of skill you display in just these few short chapters. You are a very talented writer with a well thought-out, intricate plot. Birch (love the name, by the way) immediately attracts the reader, and the introduction of Gazelle makes me hope for a love connection. I hope I'm not wrong in saying I felt a connection between Birch and Gazelle. The aura of fear permeates Nox and I think you've done a good job building tension, especially in the last chapter. I've put your book on my watchlist for now and I've given this book 5 stars. Great job.