'Ignited' - A Golden Twins Novel

I was not ready to experience the emotion you put into your characters. WOW! I could feel Jazz with every word that she thought. The description even reminds me of a girl I met a while back-maybe I should go to her? Anyways, great story. I was pulled all the way to chapter five before realizing how long I'd been reading. The book has great pace, and there is little to comment on for edits at this point. I did see a few things but I was too into the story to really notice things to correct.

With the power you have to captivate the reader like you did to me, I think Jazz's journey will be one I'll have to follow more later on.

You honestly didn't have me with the pitch, but the story was attracting so I went along with your request. I'm glad I took it.

Good luck with this! Shelving right away and high stars.

D W McD (Demon Untold)

'Ignited' - A Golden Twins Novel is a young adult fantasy tale that really packs a punch. Refusing to let Ignited slip into a formulaic romp, author Mae Tindell gives us a story that could be enjoyed by young adults and grown-up readers alike.

Part of the success of Ignited is the amazing protagonist Jasmine Daisy Pinnock, or Jazz as she likes to be called. Men will fall in love with her and women will want to be like her. Somehow, Tindell creates her so that she is both incredible and believable at the same time. I kept looking for cracks where I could say “nobody would ever act like that” but never found any. In fact, if Jazz were to walk in front of me right now, I would not be surprised at all.

Dialog is also really good. Characters speak realistically and their personalities really come through.

As far as the story, it’s paced very well. There is almost a mystery to it all, as well as the theme of destiny vs. free will which is nicely entwined throughout. The facts of the world are slowly revealed to us and it’s almost like getting let in on an inside joke. We are thrilled as we learn more about what is going on and the dynamics between the characters.

I wish more of the book were posted as I really wanted to read more. A book like Ignited could add a touch of class to what is quickly becoming a cookie-cutter YA genre. This should be published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Pretty often you can tell if you buy this or that book after reading a few lines from Chapter 1. After reading a few opening lines I went on to read the rest of the chapter and I want to say - I want to have this book on my real bookshelf for reading and rereading!!!

The main character - Jazz - has a bad day which is getting only worse. The appearance of the crow intrigued me; the fact that Jazz could speak to it in her thoughts intrigued me more. As I understand, the crow's appearance boded some ill to come. And the ending of the chapter made me read with bated breath - the line '... the power was there ...' - kept me rooted to the spot.

Excellent first chapter, Mae! Six stars and the best of luck to you with Ignited!
Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder

I really think this is exceptional. You have done a fantastic job at making all the aspects of Jazz's surroundings part of the story, the graffiti on the desk, clenched fists etc. You have really caught my interest and I have only read the first chapter. One thing I had noticed though, (now I don't know if it was purposeful or not) but your sentences are very short and in some places choppy, breaking up the cadence of your words. I think if you blend some of these instances together it will make the readability of your work better. I absolutely love the name Auroch, haven't the faintest idea why but I do. You have really done a great job at keeping the suspense, you let us know just enough. The writing style is good, along with the vocabulary and descriptive language that you use. Jazz's voice is just right. I will be reading more of this and I am going to pick it. Good luck!
-Anna

This. Is. AWESOME!

Sorry, I always get a little over excited when I find a good novel. And I must say that your cover is beautiful! It caught my interest straight away, and is definitely the kind of thing I'd pick up in a book store! I'm up to chapter two now, but I have to log so I thought I'd comment. I'm really enjoying the book so far, so I hope you stick with it! Honestly, you hooked me instantly, great job!

Also, this is a strange question, but I'm still a learner when it comes to writing. But, do you double space after a full stop? I've noticed some writers do that, but I was told not to by my writing friend. So, should I or shouldn't I? Why do people do it?

Anyway, I've rated you with 5 * and am adding this book to my shelf and watch list!

So intriguing and holding. You are very good at describing things. I see the house and I saw the small hand at the end of chapter 3. I am dying to know what that has to do with Jazz and something tells me that the "someone" the crow is speaking of is Frank. I can't wait to find out if I am right. Very good!! I will read more later!

~Bethanie

LOL, i like how her teacher calls her her full name and she freaks out, that was funny. i think your book cover is interesting, although i wish it were bigger so i could tell what it was. i like both of your pitches- you didnt give too much away or too little. i think you captured the right amount to display without giving a summary of the book. your balance between description and dialogue is good, but at a few parts the dialogue seemed a little unnatural and a little forced. im sure youll notice that when you go through another edit.
i wish you the very best of luck with this,
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

Just reading the pitch has interested me, as it is so late I will start reading it tomorrow. I am intrigued!

~Bethanie

I was not ready to experience the emotion you put into your characters. WOW! I could feel Jazz with every word that she thought. The description even reminds me of a girl I met a while back-maybe I should go to her? Anyways, great story. I was pulled all the way to chapter five before realizing how long I'd been reading. The book has great pace, and there is little to comment on for edits at this point. I did see a few things but I was too into the story to really notice things to correct.

With the power you have to captivate the reader like you did to me, I think Jazz's journey will be one I'll have to follow more later on.

You honestly didn't have me with the pitch, but the story was attracting so I went along with your request. I'm glad I took it.

Good luck with this! Shelving right away and high stars.

D W McD (Demon Untold)

I feel like I am actually inside of your MC head. I love that. I can see this one doing well and I wish you the best with it. I saw your thread on the forum and decided to stop by and take a peek. I'm glad I did! I am starring you and will be back for more. I hope you get a chance to take a look at Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket!

Best,

Ashley

Hi, I'm Melanie.

I tried to post this (Saturday) and : “Sorry, an error has occurred.” I’ll keep trying though. (Sunday)

This is not "Awesome" nor is it "Exceptional".

It is “good” as opposed to "bad", "awful" and "terrible.

It can only get better and become "very good", and, if you work hard, "excellent".

This is an interesting beginning. I'm not going to read all your book, not today, as I have my own work to do.

So here we go:

Delete all the verbs ending in "ly" (the adverbs) they are useless as they slow the pace.

Delete your adjectives. For example: A "forced smile" is always "fake" - drop the fake.

Don't tell me "she" or "he" was angry, happy, sad or impatient.

Slam doors, bare teeth in a grin, let her eyes glisten and let her tap her foot.

Showing is the art in which we best describe our characters through there actions, reactions and emotions coupled with dialogue.

Do you know what a pronoun is, she and her are the ones missing here. Go through your story and substitute a persons name for a pronoun when it is obvious who the subject is.

Fred opened the window. Fred looked outside. Fred saw it was raining.

Joe looked up as Fred walked in. "Where have you been?"
"Walking."
He always gave short answers. He himself was more inclined to say where he had been as it...)

If you wish to better your writing skills you might accomplish that here and then again you could visit this blog www dot edittorrent dot com and download all the free advice and comments on subjects you may not have known existed.

I'm not going to walk you through this. You're a big girl and these few pointers will help you speed up the pace.

Visit the blog, spend an hour or two reading and downloading. You can even post a question or make a comment. No, it's not a publishing site, but it is free and one of the best going.

Good luck.

I'll put you on my shelf.

Melanie.

Interesting storyline if I do say so. The pitch hooks the reader very well. I enjoyed the fact that Jazz is having a horrible day at school; the knots in her stomach from Frank, the crow returning, the old memories. I was very intrigued though by the old house that she enjoys looking at on her way home and how she finds herself in two worlds at once. "The warmth chatter and companionship of her friends that changed into the comforting cold, quiet, loneliness she felt as her walk home once again led her to the old house." Very good. I would say that it does have its parts where it feels a little dragged out at times, but overall it is a decent story. I find myself entering her world quickly. The only thing I didn't quite like about that story was how the dialogue flowed, but then again we all have our preferences. But it was an enjoyable read and hopefully within this next month I can find a spot for it on my shelf. I think it truly has some potential. Best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Pretty often you can tell if you buy this or that book after reading a few lines from Chapter 1. After reading a few opening lines I went on to read the rest of the chapter and I want to say - I want to have this book on my real bookshelf for reading and rereading!!!

The main character - Jazz - has a bad day which is getting only worse. The appearance of the crow intrigued me; the fact that Jazz could speak to it in her thoughts intrigued me more. As I understand, the crow's appearance boded some ill to come. And the ending of the chapter made me read with bated breath - the line '... the power was there ...' - kept me rooted to the spot.

Excellent first chapter, Mae! Six stars and the best of luck to you with Ignited!
Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder

Hi Mae,

I've read as you asked, but I recently changed my profile to indicate that I really wasn't up for reading fantasy. It's just too hard for me; I never, ever read it, and frankly, I just don't get it. So please, take whatever I say with several grains of salt.

I think the writing is very strong. You clearly know what you're doing, and you engage the reader instantly. I found a lot of repetition; you talk about her mmemories over and over. But that may be a convention of the genre.

I can't really think of anything else to say. I'm sorry I can't be helpful here. I do wish you the best with this, and will give you a nice star rating.

All my best,
Andi

Hiya

1-6

This was a very intriguing read. I loved the characters. Jazz and Bex are easy to connect and relate to and fun to read their conversations. Frank sounds perfect high school crush. I love how he's got more to him then whats on the surface. Alot of novels have the most popular boy in school end up with the main character but you've connected them in a different way..she has powers and she shares it with him...

The only thin about it s that maybe he accepts it too quickly? or is there more to him then he's letting on?

The twins were interesting and I almost immediately felt worried about them when bill stepped outside. You have a way with words that is drawing and compelling. Easy to feel the fear they felt and want to save them, even though they had only just spoke in that one chapter. That's amazing.

Auroch is scary but at the same time you can tell he cares for Jazz which makes him less intimidating.

I love the idea, her power is unique because it has many levels to it and it has many potential abilities you can play with in your writing.

So far from what I've read I've liked it. I hope this goes far! Will be back to continue when I can

Best wishes,
Shadowchime

I like it even though I'm not a strong believer in fate. I mean, where's the fun if there's no free will, right? Anyway, my main critique is that the shift into the paranormal seems to be abrupt and comes from nowhere. I felt lost pretty much after she arrived in the classroom. Her voice is awesome, very likeable and quarky. I think some of the times you use parenthesis are unwarranted as what you have to say would work very nicely as part of the sentence. Other than that, it's well written.

Just had a quick read over. It comes across much better- Jazz's thoughts are more coherent and she's more prominent as she should be, but you need to take care not to repeat or over-use phrases (clenched was there a lot). Try not to rush, either. Build up the picture of the classroom a bit more, about how a bad day is about to get worse, and it'll be fantastic.

Good job :)

Hey Mae. Here to return the crit – the Alliance is all about constructive criticism so that’s what I’m aiming for. As usual, it’s just my opinion, so if I miss the point of what you’re trying to achieve anywhere then please ignore me.

Great opening, which instantly gives an indication of mystery and wonder. I love the way you get straight inside Jazz’s head. The short sentences serve to highlight her discomfort. I do think you could change the second line to create this effect even sooner, though. ‘With a look of distaste’, for me, feels a bit detached (as though we’re observing her rather than being there with her). Maybe a scowl or something like that would be better. I also think just a little bit more context would help with the very first line. If she’s raising her hand then does that mean she’s going to answer a question, or is it a new teacher calling the register, or what? At the moment it feels rather as if you put the first couple of lines in there just to introduce Jazz’s full name and nickname.

‘Clenching at her hands, the classroom slipped from focus’ – not sure what you mean here. The way you’ve written it, the subject of the sentence is the classroom and it reads as if it’s clenching at her hands (and I’m not even sure anything can clench *at* something). I’d suggest rewording, maybe ‘She clenched her hands as the classroom slipped from focus’.

There are times when you slip out of Jazz’s POV – and since on the whole you’re sticking closely to it, I think they’re probably worth fixing. For instance, ‘A look of calm masked her face’ – this is an observation from someone outside her. To keep it in her POV you could revise to ‘She fought to keep a mask of calm on her face’ or something like that.

One of my pet peeves is including physical descriptions of a POV character (again, it’s a matter of external observation versus really being ‘in her head’). ‘Stirring her red curls’, ‘her green eyes readjusted’ – in both these instances, Jazz wouldn’t be aware of her own appearance. Put it this way: if sunshine got in your eyes and you were trying to adjust to the sudden dazzle, would you be thinking about the colour of your eyes?

‘Beyond the classroom window a large crow …’ – you use ‘large’ several times in this paragraph. Maybe try a few alternatives? Also, ‘the crows of our world’ intrudes a bit on POV again, as it’s referring to you and the reader rather than sticking with Jazz’s thoughts.

In Chapter 2 I was a little surprised that we’re still in the same scene as the previous chapter. Because you have both a supernatural incident and a couple of flashbacks/backstory in the same classroom scene, it feels a bit stretched out. I wanted things to move along a little faster, and I think you could achieve that by making slightly more happen in the present day as well as in Jazz’s head.

‘Don’t tell me you didn’t think that too, Jasmine’ – surely Bex would call her Jazz, since she knows how much Jazz hates Jasmine, unless she’s really angry with her?

‘Jazz found sanctuary in the quiet ethos’ – an ethos is a set of guiding principles, so I don’t think this is the word you want. Maybe ‘atmosphere’?

I liked the description of Marmor House. Evocative and intriguing.

I’ve noticed that Jazz and Auroch sometimes communicate in speech and sometimes in thoughts. Is this right or should it be consistently one or the other? Or maybe, even if Jazz sometimes speaks aloud and sometimes not, Auroch would always speak in thought? Because a crow doesn’t have the right vocal cords to actually speak ;-)

Chapter 3 ends with another hint of mystery that would encourage me to read on … if I had more time :-)

That’s it for now – I really hope this is helpful but please let me know if you want to chat about anything specifically.

The beginning is hugely captivating- you instantly draw the reader in with the mysterious crow and Jazz is very likeable and interesting. Well done!
Karen
The Blooming Tale of Katie Moonshine

I really think this is exceptional. You have done a fantastic job at making all the aspects of Jazz's surroundings part of the story, the graffiti on the desk, clenched fists etc. You have really caught my interest and I have only read the first chapter. One thing I had noticed though, (now I don't know if it was purposeful or not) but your sentences are very short and in some places choppy, breaking up the cadence of your words. I think if you blend some of these instances together it will make the readability of your work better. I absolutely love the name Auroch, haven't the faintest idea why but I do. You have really done a great job at keeping the suspense, you let us know just enough. The writing style is good, along with the vocabulary and descriptive language that you use. Jazz's voice is just right. I will be reading more of this and I am going to pick it. Good luck!
-Anna

Hey Mae, here to return the favour and have a look at your book. Disclaimer: Everything below is just my own opinion and is yours to use however you see fit. Take all comments with copious amounts of mistrust and disdain.

Pitch- interesting but it seems you're torn between two styles here. It wants to be conversation but then it lapses back into a more standard synopsis. I'd try and make it more consistent. Also watch the adverbs- they're a lot of them, where probably a stronger verb would do better.

ONE

First para sounds good, but 'permeated'? It doesn't really suit the YA tone for me.

'Jazz consciously sunk'- you don't need to tell us outright when you go on to say that 'the classroom slipped from focus', as this gives the same information but through Jazz's eyes.

A stylistic thing here, so you can take it either way: You describe the sunlight falling onto Jazz's face. If Jazz is also the narrator, would she describe her face like that, in such a detached way? Unlikely. However if she is not the narrator and you're going for a more omniscient approach, it's fine.

'Nothing could suppress the dark shadows'- I found this weak. Dark shadows, so what? What's Jazz's reaction to it? Is she scared? Angry? Frustrated? Indifferent? Worried? Without her opinion on these 'dark shadows' I'm not really getting any indication of their significance and how the character is relating to the situation.

'A feeling of'- this pads out the sentence. Often it's better to get straight to what the feeling was, rather than using the word 'feeling'. Similar for the other senses, like 'smelt', 'heard'- describe the smell/ sound right away. So here 'Electricity ran through her body' or something similar would help close the distance between reader and character and help us connect to them.

Loooots of adverbs. ('deeply...quietly...momentarily...') all in one small paragraph. Try to avoid 'clusters'. If you use the same stylistic device too much in such a short space, they lose their impact and weaken the writing. Here, you could probably drop the 'quietly' (as shadows tend to be silent), and even the 'momentarily' as the shadow is still blocking the sun by the time the action's done.

'Her vivid green eyes opened'- again, as I said, if you're telling the story through Jazz's voice phrases like this just jar. Do you think about the colour of your eyes? Generally we don't as we know our eye/ hair colour. However, if you want to keep narrative distance, it's fine. Just something to keep in mind!

'She spoke silently'- if she did so why not keep it in italics like you've done before? To change to dialogue quotes jarred me as I assumed she was speaking.

Your sentences could use a pruning. YA books tend to be quite succinct and smooth. So 'The crow bowed his head (in acknowledgement).'- the bracketed bits could be cut and the meaning would still be there. Also 'knowing her thoughts would be heard'- is passive voice. If it's important to keep Jazz as the subject, then it's fine, but here I felt that 'knowing he would hear her thoughts' would sound more crisp and immediate.

I'm also not getting much of a reaction of Jazz to the crow other than she knows him. Does his appearance make her fearful? Go into denial and pretend she can't see him as she knows what he represents? Give me more of her insight into the situation and what it could potentially mean. Let Jazz colour the story with her perceptions to bring her alive.

Hmm, the dialogue was a bit stuffy for me. Could well be the case as Jazz is talking to an ancient being. But after the intro where she insisted to be called Jazz, I thought she'd be more laid back in her speech (given she's a teenager). So this depends on what tone you were aiming for!

'Jazz was a pupil at...' this paragraph is pure info dump and doesn't drive the story forward. If this information is important drop it in more subtly.

'A feeling of...' cut that and just go with 'Pins and needles prickled through her body.' More immediate and less words.

'The power was awakening once more'- and? Is Jazz panicking about it? Trying to grit her resolve? I'm not getting any reaction here of a potent inner struggle- use this opportunity to flesh out Jazz's character through showing us how she reacts to the situation.

Okay the conversation with her brother just came out of nowhere. And why hasn't she been thinking about it from the start if it was so significant? I'm not getting much of a link between these chapter events and it's making for a bit of a disjointed read. Had we opened with Jazz thinking about her odd morning, which was interrupted by Auroch and then the teacher, it would give this chapter more of a thread and theme to follow.

'Unable to regain concentration'- very stuffy for YA! Why not 'Unable to concentrate'?

'silently- redundant as when you're thinking you tend to be silent :P

'The conversation with...' no need for the comma. Another misplace comma at the end of the paragraph, too.

'The old power'- this is a great opportunity to generate some visceral reactions. You did it earlier with pins and needles- what about other things like tight stomach, chest pain, shortness of breath, dizziness, headache- be creative! What symptoms does she get from the power? Is she worried that someone will notice? What does she do to hide it/ cope with it? Build up some reaction, and once again tell us Jazz's opinions of what is going on.

So, the story sounds good, but I think you need to push the writing further. Really let Jazz take the reins of the story and guide it forwards. More reaction from her, internal thoughts and physical symptoms, and a stronger connection joining the events together would help make for a more rounded presentation. Writing wise, apart from being a little adverb happy in places, it reads well and flows nicely. Just give your characters a bit more oomph!

Happy to read the next couple of chapters if you found this helpful.

Good luck and all the best,

Sam241

Sorry I meant to say 6 * 's. Apparently, I can't count. >.<

This. Is. AWESOME!

Sorry, I always get a little over excited when I find a good novel. And I must say that your cover is beautiful! It caught my interest straight away, and is definitely the kind of thing I'd pick up in a book store! I'm up to chapter two now, but I have to log so I thought I'd comment. I'm really enjoying the book so far, so I hope you stick with it! Honestly, you hooked me instantly, great job!

Also, this is a strange question, but I'm still a learner when it comes to writing. But, do you double space after a full stop? I've noticed some writers do that, but I was told not to by my writing friend. So, should I or shouldn't I? Why do people do it?

Anyway, I've rated you with 5 * and am adding this book to my shelf and watch list!

[Ignited]

This seems to be a complex story with things I don't get a hold of - for now. It's troubling enough to keep you reading, but not that troubling you put it aside because you fear no answer will come. Well done. However, after reaching the end of chapter 3, I understood why I felt that way in chapter 1. A lot is said that really isn't very clear, though it's clear enough to keep you reading. I had the feeling that power was bad - I don't think it is bad, it just comes with some side effects.

The one thing I don't understand, is why, if she likes to read, she hasn't yet read a single page in the book. Is it she got the assignment just then? After all, she had no reasons not to read it since her powers only returned to her this very morning.

I doubt she would wonder about why it is back. It is. She would probably be worried with what that power could do since she already knows it from the past.

This idea becomes stronger in chapter 2, where she relives the moment her father died. It's obvious she wouldn't want to be part of it no more. I don't think I would call it the dark side - when talking about the dark side, you tend to think about bad people and even worse powers. This is the down side of being Highly Sensitive (yes, even in our real world people have the capability of feeling (reading) other people to some extend (of course, we can't move the wind. Not yet, anyway ;?) ).

Great Dad, by the way. I hope each and every child can have a father like that.

One question: why not start your real story with chapter 2? Maybe it is worth thinking about deleting the first chapter and adding the one important part (about Auroch visiting her) into the second chapter.

In chapter 3 you give Jazz the reason why the story needs to be told. Good timing. You propel it forward in such a way you keep your readers reading.

Well done.

a truly enjoyable read; original writing style, pace and characters does the job for this brilliant tale=
l have backed...
6 stars******
read SEASONS...

Ignited,
Fiction 3rd person

Premise: a fantasy mystery

Plot: a 15 year old girl is fated to use her powers to unravel a dark secret.

POV; 3rd person, primarily through the MC, Jazz. I noticed a fluctuation in the prologue to the Raven's POV. This is just an observation.

Pacing: The prologue moves right along. Engaging and interesting. I would recommend giving the reader a foundation right away in Ch 1, as some don't like reading prologues. Also, the back-story reflections in Ch 1 slowed the pace considerably.

Dialog: I found the exchange w/ brother to be confusing. I don't think it would pass an editor's scrutiny as it just didn't ring true. "Hello, how are you?" Presented as a reflection, recollection left it even flatter.

The "info dump" about the house sale and so forth took me out of the story. I'd recommend staying "in the moment" until later in the book. When revealing back-story, less is best. If the back story is so important that it must be told as a whole, start the book at that point and go forward from there. Another option; use it as a prologue. Another option is a chapter break with the back story in itallics. (thought/memories should be presented in itallics.) This will tell your reader that it isn't a current event, but something that already happened.

Voice/style: The author writes in a viseral manner, with good connection to the MC.

Characters: Jazz is very believable. Good job through Ch 1 anyway.

Mechanics: Very well written, clear and clean as far as I could tell.

Marketability: Based on the premise and the MC, I think it will be well recieved and gobbled up by teen girls.

I hope these suggestions are helpful.
Raechel
Echo

Hi Mae

Finally getting round to you :)

OK, so I don't read fantasy YA, it makes me think of Twilight, which isn't great. But I enjoyed this. I liked that Jazz seemed so normal. Yes, she's suffered the loss of her dad and has a brother she can't get on with, but she seemed so down to earth. I think a lot of teenage readers will empathise with her. And, she's British! Yay! The 'year eleven' made my heart sing, it's so nice to read something based on a teenager in the UK...

So, the only nitpicks I have are...

Your LP - the first sentence confused me a little. Maybe if you started a new paragraph where you say 'Jazz is my...' as I couldn't work out who was speaking, you or Jazz or a third person? Otherwise, your pitch is good.

You have a nice prologue. It's simple yet it hints at something dark a-coming. The only thing I would say, is that I felt like the continuation of her conversation with Auroch in the next chapter would sit better under the prologue. I can see why you ended the prologue where you did - cinematically it's a good hook, I just felt the next chapter started oddly.

The first paragrap in CH1 as it stands is for me a bit weak. To be honest I think you could merge it in elsewhere, and start the chapter with the paragraph where you mention Bex. BUT, as I said I have no idea about the norms of this genre at all, and hey, I'm not published so you can tell me to go do one if you think I'm talking tripe.

I like the hints that her brother could know more about Auroch than she thinks, and I'm hoping this will bring about some kind of reconciliation with him, or something to bring him closer.

There's an awful lot of YA on this site, and whilst I can't say I've read a great deal of them, I do think this has an extra dimension to it to really compete.

Starred and it will make its way onto my shelf, though it may take a while.

Silva
x

Every young girl who reads this will defintely fall in love with it. Jazz is your typical high school just trying to get by and many, if not all, fifteen year old girls can relate to this. She is mature for her age but still shows her immaturity which you got right on the money for her age group.

Jazz and Bex remind me of my best friend in high school passing notes in class and drooling over the hottest guy in school. Even now that I am long gone from high school I found that connection with Jazz. I can only imagine how girls her age can connect to her. She is a very likable character as well as her friend Bex.

I love the different names you used in your novel. Too many common names, I find, can dull a fantasy story. Your novel is well written and is clear to the point which is wonderful. I am not a fan of having to decode meanings in novels. I made it half way through and wanted to continue but I have many on my list to read which i have promised comments on as well. I will be getting back here to finish your novel. I am going to WL it to make sure.

Good luck,
Emily
"Arctic North"

An interesting read - read because you said you'd read mine! In the spirit of honest feedback, I read only to chapter 4. My main criticism is that I found it a little confused with too much jumping around. I don't have a feel for where it's going - did you, as you wrote it?

The style seems to change - possibly related to different writing periods? Some things are overused - we don't need to keep being told about her red curls, for example. Unless something amazing happens to them later in the story? There's some dodgy/missing punctuation (apostrophes esp.) but nothing an editor couldn't sort out.

This is all IMHO - but the more views you get, the more ways from which you can look at your writing. I hope you find this useful and look forward to your views on my writing.

Hi Mae,
Marj suggested I take a look at this and wasn't disappointed. You have a great story here. (and I'm not even your target audience)
Bex and Jazz are great little characters, nice witty dialogue. I smiled in chapter 3 when Bex says:

'I'd like to do something French to him!'
Only thing that jarrs me slightly is the dialogue tags: Laughed Bex.
Maybe this is the correct way to do YA. I don't know, I don't read that much YA, but personally, I prefer the tag first if it involves anything other than speech.
i.e. Bex Laughed. 'I'd like to do something French to him.'

Just a small nit though as I really enjoyed what I've read so far.
Good luck with it
Sue

Interesting mix so far, of fantasy and the reality of her life. I got into the story more after the prologue and wanted to read on by chapter 2. I like Jazz, I think, and am intrigued to know what these powers are and where they came from. I'm wondering what's going on with her brother, I have a feeling he's involved in something which might cause him to clash with his sister later on. (I may be quite wrong, but you have raised questions.) By chapter three start, I want the backstory about these powers of hers and how she came by them, and to know more about the crow.

Lovely end to chapter two - from 'Autumn was just around the corner.....' a real feel of something in the air (literally) and a good hook 'He was close, she could sense it.) Now I have to read on to find out who you are talking about, don't I.
Cariad.

Mae, I commend you on this story. I read the first chapters, and skimmed a few more. You have written in what I think is known as 'close POV,' which is my personal preference. But then you distanced yourself a little after the first little picture (I didn't know one could do that) starting with 'Fifteen-year-old Jazz' I don't know if it's a flaw, but perhaps just a little unsettling, and possibly unnecessary as we are already gaining the needed information. Story wise, the teenager who has a destiny to fulfil, is a cliche, but it is an ever popular cliche. By the 7th chapter there is some real excitement. Well written, good grammar, no typos (I found just one, Ch 8, 'Maybe the writing's' should be 'writings.' )
Very good and to be backed, Marj.

Up front I want you to know that I am by no means a professional critique. These are just one person’s thoughts and you should take it as so—one person’s ideas who’s not an editor by any means. You can take them or leave then as I intend them to be helpful, not critical.

Prologue

Great opener as it got me interested immediately in the story. Conflict, mystery already rising making me want to know more.

Ch 1

“Hello!” she muttered. –If she muttered this should it have an exclamation point? It makes it sound more like a scream than a muttering.

Muttered . . . you’ve used it three times within a few sentences of each other. We’ve all done it, mostly don’t see it in our own work.

“He wants your money more like!” she muttered—I’d think it’d be “she snapped”.

Muttered must be your favorite word, mine is softly. : P You’ve said it about six times.

Ch 2

I like the backstory on Auroch, however, it seems to be dragging down the story a bit—maybe it’s the entire backstory—slowing the pacing.

“I need some chocolate . . .” their small conversation and action seems random, not sure why you needed it. It doesn’t add to the story—if anything it distracts me from it.

Ch 3

I liked how she could almost feel the sadness of the old dilapidated house. I could really visualize it.

I know you probably have a reason for relaying all the details on the twins, however, it seems to me that there would be more mystery if Jazz figured this out through her thoughts, showing me the process instead of just telling me what’s taking place.

I think you’re giving away too much—you want the reader to be intrigued ,and figure it out on their own along with Jazz.

Ch 4

“Jazz smiled and sent a ---back” I think you left something out.


Overall I think you have an interesting story, but I have to admit that I was beginning to skim because you began telling me what was taking place instead of showing me through the characters.

You write well, the first three chapters did want me to read more, however, for me the pacing was a little slow. As I said earlier, I mean this to be helpful, not harmful so you can take or leave the comments.


Lisa

'Ignited' - A Golden Twins Novel is a young adult fantasy tale that really packs a punch. Refusing to let Ignited slip into a formulaic romp, author Mae Tindell gives us a story that could be enjoyed by young adults and grown-up readers alike.

Part of the success of Ignited is the amazing protagonist Jasmine Daisy Pinnock, or Jazz as she likes to be called. Men will fall in love with her and women will want to be like her. Somehow, Tindell creates her so that she is both incredible and believable at the same time. I kept looking for cracks where I could say “nobody would ever act like that” but never found any. In fact, if Jazz were to walk in front of me right now, I would not be surprised at all.

Dialog is also really good. Characters speak realistically and their personalities really come through.

As far as the story, it’s paced very well. There is almost a mystery to it all, as well as the theme of destiny vs. free will which is nicely entwined throughout. The facts of the world are slowly revealed to us and it’s almost like getting let in on an inside joke. We are thrilled as we learn more about what is going on and the dynamics between the characters.

I wish more of the book were posted as I really wanted to read more. A book like Ignited could add a touch of class to what is quickly becoming a cookie-cutter YA genre. This should be published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

I do have a couple of suggestions to help you improve this. First, the first line was jarring to me. She interrupts the narrator as if she’s listening in on this story being told about her. I’ve seen this done in a novel told from first person—since they’re the one telling the story—but it feels awkward in a novel told from third person

Joshua, thanks again for your previous comments, and after reading and re-reading, editing and re-editing I have finally changed my first paragraph and the opening sentence. If you have a moment, please take a quick look back at it, and just let me know briefly if you think this is better or not!! Again thanks for your time!

Mae

Overall, the prologue is effective. It’s short, to the point, and it creates a clear image of your characters and premise. Too often I come across prologues that add no value to the novel, but yours is solid. I like the plot you’ve created and that you jump right into it. You’ve also developed two genuine characters that obviously have a shared history that we’re going to learn more about. By the end of the first chapter, I’m intrigued enough to keep reading. As a whole, your writing is solid, and while it could use a bit of tightening (cut unnecessary adjectives and adverbs), it has a nice, easy-to-read flow to it.

I do have a couple of suggestions to help you improve this. First, the first line was jarring to me. She interrupts the narrator as if she’s listening in on this story being told about her. I’ve seen this done in a novel told from first person—since they’re the one telling the story—but it feels awkward in a novel told from third person.

Also, early on you have her feeling “cold” in terms of temperature because of a dark past and a cold heart. Last time I checked, our past and our thoughts have little or nothing to do with our body temperature. Unless this is some part of the fantasy world you’re creating and you’re going to explain it later, I think this needs to be changed.

Finally, whose head are we in? The entire time we’re in Jazz’s perspective, but then we jumped into Auroch’s head in chapter 1 for a brief time before returning to Jazz’s head. I recommend sticking to one person’s perspective per chapter to avoid confusion.

This is a solid start and with a little bit more polishing could be a phenomenal read. I look forward to seeing where this one goes. Best of luck with it, and I hope my suggestions are helpful.

Thank you so much for your comments. I have taken some of them on board and already made a few adjustments to the opening paragraph, due to your thoughts. At the moment, my first sentence remains the same, but I may end up changing it slightly! Will think on it for a while! Thank you so much once more for your time and support for my work.

Mae

I do not generally read this genre but must say I was enthralled and it kept me reading Welldone. I plan on returning for a further read.
Red

Overall, the prologue is effective. It’s short, to the point, and it creates a clear image of your characters and premise. Too often I come across prologues that add no value to the novel, but yours is solid. I like the plot you’ve created and that you jump right into it. You’ve also developed two genuine characters that obviously have a shared history that we’re going to learn more about. By the end of the first chapter, I’m intrigued enough to keep reading. As a whole, your writing is solid, and while it could use a bit of tightening (cut unnecessary adjectives and adverbs), it has a nice, easy-to-read flow to it.

I do have a couple of suggestions to help you improve this. First, the first line was jarring to me. She interrupts the narrator as if she’s listening in on this story being told about her. I’ve seen this done in a novel told from first person—since they’re the one telling the story—but it feels awkward in a novel told from third person.

Also, early on you have her feeling “cold” in terms of temperature because of a dark past and a cold heart. Last time I checked, our past and our thoughts have little or nothing to do with our body temperature. Unless this is some part of the fantasy world you’re creating and you’re going to explain it later, I think this needs to be changed.

Finally, whose head are we in? The entire time we’re in Jazz’s perspective, but then we jumped into Auroch’s head in chapter 1 for a brief time before returning to Jazz’s head. I recommend sticking to one person’s perspective per chapter to avoid confusion.

This is a solid start and with a little bit more polishing could be a phenomenal read. I look forward to seeing where this one goes. Best of luck with it, and I hope my suggestions are helpful.

Hi Mae, A strong start, going straight for the crow and explaining soon that Jazz thinks it's a transformed being. I also liked her introduction. The idea of her money used to buy a house really floored me for her age. That plot hook and then the ghost girls make a fascinating encounters with both the real and that spirit world. My thought during this was that I didn't quite understand the power that she felt. Maybe it could be explained more in the early chapters. There's a lot of good characterization here which made me laugh at the teacher's droning about that. Enjoyed reading it and it promises to be intriguing! Will shelve as soon as space opens. Many stars for now - Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

I like this, its suggestive, ominous undertones, will red more later and comment, great stuff mae!

Daisy May Longwood
Cats Tales

Very Interesting opening. I'm very curious about her powers and how she can speak with her crow-guardian. Looking forward to reading more!

Hey Mae, looking forward to reading your work...love your synopsis!
On WL for now.

jim

I must say that I absolutely loved this story. This brought freshness to the table. An excellent read and the continuation to the story I'm sure will be wonderful. I'm hooked to see what would happen in the end though between Jazz and her brother. Keep it up!

Penny
The Glass Serpent

Hi,
I enjoy reading YA fantasy so thought I'd take a look.
I read the prologue and first chapter. You have a nice easy writing style that would appeal to your intended audience.
There is a definite sense of magic with the crow on the windowsill and the disturbing presence of Jazz's powers flowing around her. The scene has been set for the story to follow on.
The brother is an interesting character, and Jazz is portrayed well.
One small nit was the overuse of the word 'she', its difficult when having the story form one character's viewpoint even in third person, but at the beginning of chapter one particularly I noticed 'she' used a lot. Perhaps some reworking of some of these sentences might benefit the tightening of the manuscript.
Overall a good and interesting beginning to your book,
Star rated,
Cheers Jacboa

I've read the Prologue and the first chapter. I am impressed. Your writing style is clear and inviting. I liked your quote. I also quote a similar period physicist at the start of my novel. The pace is good so far. Love the crow reference. The last painting I painted is a giant crow in a fiery yellow orange background. The story seems interesting and you’re your well edited flow is engaging. I am curious about what happens next. My suggestions are microscopic and probably related to area differences. I live in Texas. (Ex. I have never seen 'no on' hyphenated as “no-on” before. Around here, a high school would be Towers High or Tower High, but not Tower’s. You use the word 'shit", which while fitting, my understanding is that just one or two bad words and librarians won't allow your book in the school libraries. Little things like that. Also, for my taste, the “(Sorry Jazz)” at the start of chapter 1 is an unnecessary bump on an otherwise smooth ride. Decide to start strong by calling her whatever and let the mental ride begin. An apology to start feels awkward. From what I read so far, you can certainly write publishable quality work. May you enjoy much success. I agree, there are no coincidences.