A Nymph's Heart

Miami
Jack. 
What a fabulous yarn you are spinning! I am on chapter 12 (autho 11) and would easily read on, and will once I reduce my back reads; although this spot, with the story of Jack and Breeze being possessed, is a hard place to stop. 
This is obviously getting to the desk and far beyond. It is intricate and exciting. But it is also demanding. All in all, I will say that the main element that I find lacking is character development. As I mentioned to you earlier, I feel that it has been sacrificed a wee bit for plot, and this has the effect of making the characters feel a bit hollow to me. This is too bad, because it is the piece that the puzzle lacks to be whole. I would recommend that you consider building the characters a bit more in the early chapters in order to help the book become richer. Mind, I think that this book will do well whether or not you do this, but I think you have the potential of something very special here.
Hook and Plot- I must be getting older, because I actually found the premise of this book hook enough for me. That is, the very fact that it starts with a dig in Miami and the fountain of youth is supposed to be down there somewhere hooked me immediately. This is rarely the case for me, and I usually demand a strong early hook from books that I comment on.
So I challenged myself, and found that, were it not for this fact, the first real hook for me does not come for me until chapt 7 (autho 6) with it's eerily portentous tone. This, I think, has a bit to do with the fact that the chapters before this introduce characters but, again, lack a bit in development. Nevertheless, the premise hook works well for me, and carries me throughout to chapter 7.
As far as plot is concerned, part of what makes this book so successful for me so far is that it gets away with setting up three distinct plot lines very well. The archeological digs and Luisa's showing up the site manager, Ana and Camille,  Pedro Martinez and the conquest of Florida. 
Character development: As I said earlier, the character development leaves me a bit wanting. Luisa has lost her memory, which is so very intriguing, but we see her struggle only from a distance. Camille, Camille, seems like such a wonderfully interesting character, but you keep her at arm's length. Anna, so strange, so sudden, the cigarette girl turn lover of a goddess... in fact, I found that the best developed characters were the ones from the 16th century timeline. In part this may be because there is a lot of baggage that comes with them, being such powerful historical figures. But, I have a feeling that as an archeologist, you fancy these personalities more than the others.
What you do bring across is a sense of mystery, particularly to the characters in the 1920's timeline. The spirit of Miami, such a young city, really owes a lot to this period, and you did a wonderful job incarnating it in the character of Camille and, to some extent, Anna and Jack.
Ambiance- This is another very strong point of the book. The three periods are very well defined and very compelling. I felt the uncomfortable heat and blaring sun as Luisa spoke to the tourists, the warm nights and silky water with Camille as she dove off the boat into the waters to retrieve the treasure, and the mosquito infested wilderness as the conquistadores attempted to convert the damned souls. The slight fright that I felt as I read about the spaniards in over their heads was enough to put me at the edge of my seat.
I mentioned to you earlier some nit-picks. I will not repeat them. I think it is very important that the modern scene be very clear, as the excavation is a bit confusing. Another small issue was the capsizing of the sail boat- it happens very quickly and with very little circumstance. This scene I felt that you could describe a bit better.
I will read further when I have more time and leave more comments. As I said, this is an excellent read and it will do well. I do think that you can make it shine even more with a bit of polish, which it definitely merits.
All the best,
Maeve

Wow! I've looked at your book several times and saw that it was on one hundred bookshelves but I didn't read any of it until today. Now I understand why so many people are backing it. This is one of the most exciting, action-packed books I've read on Authonomy. I'm only up to chapter six but it's obvious this is going to be the kind of story that could easily turned into a blockbuster movie.

Your writing is professional, easy to read, fast-moving, and thoroughly entertaining. I like the way you move back and forth between time periods, creating multiple stories and settings. It gives the story a breadth that you don't find very often.

I'll be back to read more and find out what happens to all the characters.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

'Miami'.

Just finished all seventy one chapters and boy, was this ever a whirlwind of a book. From the first paragraph I was hooked and right through to the end the action never stops. Well written, publishable with only a brush of the editor's feather to address some spellings that may be the author's preference, and rewarding to any reader who is worthy of the description. A memorable book in every way.

From the perspective of a native Floridian, albeit only since the 1850's and mostly from the Shell People's side of the isthmus, the underlying story is both plausible and believable since the Spanish monarchy's greed for territory and the yellow metal has caused more than a measurable amount of grief wherever in the Americas they managed to infest the local peoples. I feel the consternation that must have reigned for the Tequesta during the time period discussed and at their penultimate horror as the black robes forced conversions at the point of a sword without any regard for local beliefs.( A ancient, and time honored technique of Holy Mother Church by the way, dating to well before the founding of 'The Holy Office For The Inquisition'.)

Fountain of Youth in Miami, interesting. I always thought that it might have been Green Cove Spring where the blue waters flow continuously and out into the St, John's River to this very day. Miami though. That is certainly a whole new animal that will take some thought.

But is not the simple purity of the hammocks and sloughs, the swamps and the forests, the beaches and the rough places the true fountain? Is not La Florida itself the Fountain of Youth? I know that I have no plans to grow old...never did.

On the Juan Ponce thing...I have always believed that he was rotting happily in Puerto Rico, which, at the very least is far, far away. Now I am not so sure.

Magnificently done William, all three hundred and seventy years of it. RT

Thanks for putting me out of my misery - by uploading the rest of this extraordinary, captivating, fast-moving, confusing, demanding and bloody fantastic book!

I read it much too fast (problem with online reading) and can offer no sensible critique other than to say that it is a MUST READ.

When i have recovered sufficiently I will try to find time to read it all again - rather more slowly!

Highly recommended.

The Nymph's Heart

Read quite a few chapters of this and am still not certain what I think, trying hard to offer something constructive and helpful. What's clear is you have a powerful idea here, complex and well developed. You have the characters, the knowledge and the prose style to pull it off. The way you taken real events and weaved a narrative around them in impressive. I can't tell what's real and what's imagined. However, I think you need to have a think about the way the story's being told, because at the moment it feels like at times we're drowning in too much information.

The changing time periods offer a kind of telescopic view of this narrative but at present I wonder if the overlap between the different experiences is too subtle for the reader to make direct comparisons and feel as if they are reading connected stories. The first two chapters slam us with details, characters, history, cover stories and intrigue, but in my humble opinion they were both too long and flabby to truly deliver the narrative I know is in here. I was confused by the switching scenes, having to track back to ensure I understand who was who.

These are of course just suggestions but the back story, flash-backy thing is such a complex device to get right. I wonder if you consider chunking down the chapters and perhaps offering us triplets of chapters from the same era. If the locus of the narrative is 1926 and 2005 which it feels to me as if it is, then the 1567 bits could become interludes around the triplet beat of chapters as follows. 2005 x 3, then 1926 x 3 and then a bit from 1567 that begins to join the dots. It felt to me like you need to bring a discernible discipline to your story-telling, you have a great tale, great characters and the writing ability to pull it all off, but at the moment I was left lost and confused.

Judging by the other feedback you've got I could simply be way off beam, if so, it wouldn't be the first time. What gives your story real clout is the detailed research on which it is based, the exploration of place and person. That is also, strangely, what I think is holding it back a little. I would very happily come back and read some more. I hope I have said something of use here, your story displays well what an interesting place your mind is and how you have made what happened once long ago live again.

The very best of luck, what I can say is one of the best series of characters I have seen arrayed together with a prose style that brings them to life and their context within three different historical lines very effectively.

Your story has made me think.
Andrew W
(benevolence)

Back on my shelf after a conversation with Kate M. (She is reading Jack...just a little longer for comments I am told.)
A tribute to the new title and as you are so close to the desk Jack, I could not resist. Nothing more to add beyond my earlier comments except to reiterate that the story is fantastic and worth a complete read by anyone. RT

I like this. It draws you in right away. I also love the way you've taken your own career and actual experiences, I assume, and incorporated them into an exciting work of fiction. The fact that it actually came from you makes it all the more interesting. Good work.

When I read this, I was hooked from the beginning. Your explanations of what was going on were extremely detailed. Like some of the reviews say before mine, this had a lot of action in it, which was one of the reasons I stayed hooked on this for several chapters. Another reason would be this is different from most stories I have read, with the different time periods and setting. I can truly say that there was never a dull moment, from what I've read so far.

Straight into the action - fabulous. Love it.

Jack, This is truly a winning book. I am definitely backing this and giving it several stars. You have so many people that dissected it for corrections that I won't go there. You have handled both your research and the chasm between eras so well as it makes a very smooth transition. The character building is top notch. A truly enjoyable read.

Jack,
an epic book.
wow. read all 56 chapters. the only thing that niggles is that some chapters tell you when the story is taking place and others do not. i would keep to the former it makes it easier to get into the frame of mind for that section without thinking to much about when it is taking place.
really well written and hope it continues to do well
:)
diane

Hi Jack

Such a complex story - but also very compelling. I have read the first few chapters and found the ideas intriguing and the flow of your writing very enjoyable. I felt a little thrown each time we swapped eras and wonder whether keeping each era in separate chapters is the best approach - or at least whether swapping between them so frequently is the best approach.

I felt the way you built Jack and Luisa character wise was superb - but was not as convinced by Camille, Billy or the 1567 characters. The fight on the quayside was all a bit confusing - and detracted from the Camille/Ana interaction which I guess was the main point of that chapter.

I did enjoy the descriptions and atmosphere you built around Miami itself in each era - very powerful and vivid. Overall though a really powerful story which kept me reading and wanting to find out more about the mystery and the plot rather than about the each character's emotional journey.

Best wishes and best of luck

Rachel

I've enjoyed what I've read so far of "A Nymph's Heart." The Prologue is short, but sweet, giving us much more of a sense of the high stakes Jack and Luisa will face later on in the novel. It always ties in neatly with Jack's desire to excavate the hotel and Luisa's hearing voices. In short, the Prologue makes the first chapter much more interesting, which is good, because the first chapter itself is basically setting up the story, which looks like it will be a ripping good one, but it's not really rolling quickly in the first chapter. This is fine, of course: setup is necessary before payoff.

And this setup has some very nice points, as well: the attention to detail with how Luisa excavates and the tools she uses, the boss nicknamed "Dipshit," and the description of Luisa's mental affliction.

The writing is good and strong (the only error I found was a misspelling of the word "do" as "due." You might want to search that out.

To make some constructive criticism, then, I will have to step outside of the book and discuss your book description. I do not always read book descriptions, but when I do I either find that they enhance my reading or they give so much away that they take away some of my discovery and enjoyment and discovery as I read. I'm afraid I got the second experience after reading your blurb. I think you've given away too much in the blurb by revealing that Luisa is from another time; not only that, but I spent a good deal of Chapter One a little miffed by a sense of dramatic irony in that I knew way more than the main character did about herself, where I really would have preferred to really learn things along with her, from her perspective. All in all, I do think making the blurb, or at least Luisa's part in it, vaguer, will make readers enjoy her character more from the start.

Also, I'm gathering that when you publish, you won't be using the name Jack Cerro as your author name. I was knocked off guard when one of the main characters turned out to have your name!

All in all, though, this is a very strong opening and I wish I could delve further into a book that, quite frankly, has an absolutely awesome premise.

Daniel Rider
"Indian Summer"

H

Hi Jack,

I'm really enjoying A Nymph's Heart, and have read all the way to Chapter 6 in one sitting. I just wanted to post some comments before I forget them as I read on.

You have a great Prologue. It instantly promises adventure in the realm of fantasy, pulls me in and makes me want to read on.

"The pavement was as a scab covering a wound that would not heal" is a wonderful image, with Jack longing to scratch it and peel up the layers. I love the idea of Luisa dropping two feet and landing in 1926.

The description of the archaeological dig is very real (I guess it would be, what with you being an archaeologist!) and very atmospheric - a brilliant build-up to the spooky whispering Luisa hears.

I very much like Luisa as an MC, and look forward to getting to know her as the story unfolds. You've woven in elements of mystery concerning her - she was injured in a hurricane and suffers from amnesia, she hears voices in the excavation, she thinks she needs her medication, she seems vulnerable yet strong - all this in the first chapter, and as a reader, I'm interested in her from the outset. Everyone says the first chapter is the most important for getting the reader to read on, and I think you have a very strong first chapter.

The leap back into 1567 in Chapter 2 is very well done. Father Francisco Arroyo is a captivating character and the setting of this period feels solid to me. In fact, all your descriptions feel solid, I can really picture what I'm reading.

So I'm going to place your book on my shelf and read on. Just a couple of typos I took note of in Chapter 1:
IHS, which stands for Iesus Hominum Salvator, you've written "Lesus".
In the next paragraph, "Luisa was wondering what kind of damage the flood might due to the area she uncovered" should perhaps be, Luisa was wondering what kind of damage the flood might do to the area she had uncovered.

Right, I'm off to back your book. Best wishes,

Annette

In exchange for your excellent service to the board, your wilingness to edit unmercifully, and your basic gentle nature,
one backing.

Lovers of this genre would be MAD not to back this and buy it.

Jack, This is going on my bookshelf. One of the best I've read since I bought Steven Dunne Reaper (Before I found authonomy). I won't be presumptuous and attempt any criticism. (My grandmother already knows how to suck eggs!) I will be one of the first at the bookshop to buy a copy in dead-tree format the moment it's on the shelves. You are a writer through and through and I could learn a lot from you. I wish I could be half as good, and I will attempt to rise to that challenge. One day I hope to reach the dizzying heights of the editors desk with The Girl From Kosovo . You have my greatest admiration. It's a pleasure and a privilege to share the act of creation with you. Thank you just for being.

Hi Jack,

What an exciting story! I wasn't sure I was going to like it based on the homosexuality premise, but thus far (up to chapter 5), that's really not a big part of the story. I love the history, detail and character development so far. I plan to read on and see what happens next!

High stars!

Love for you to take a look at my book as well :)

RJ Stanley
Why Didn't Someone Tell Me? The Truth About Love

I have nothing bad to say about this book it's captivated me for the last hour when I should be tucked up in bed. This is a terrific read and should be in our book stores 6* Karen, Faking it in France.

Negative criticism's first: We need more setting and characterisation to set the scene. What you have is fine, but I'm not smelling/feeling/hearing the scene enough. As well, before we start questioning the characters we need to be more involved with them. As well ... too much information dumping. I know it is hard to do this with grace, but there is just too much going on at one in this chapter. It might be best broken up into two chapters.

Positives: the actual events and characters are intriguing. I love the memory book; what a great concept for adding depth to the plot. The verisimiltude of the events is solid, nothing seems out of place in the tale you are constructing ... and that means the bones of your story are good and strong! As well, I like the way you've played with the characterization of 'Dipshit' so that it helps move the plot along - a lot of people crowbar conflict into their stories without it being important to the plot.

Overall, this is an excellent introduction to your book. You've already set yp several mysteries to give suspence and drag the reader into the story.

{A Nymph’s Heart} – Jack Cerro
Chapter 7
There doesn’t seem to be a chapter 6… so I went straight into chapter 7 :)
Firstly EVERYONE THIS IS A BRILLIANT READ!!
:D
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Onto my suggestions:
1) First para; not sure about the transition between sentences ‘small boat. The Tequesta’s village loomed in the distance…’ Because the focus is on the supply vessel and boat, and then we sort of zoom out… I’d zoom out and then in;
‘The Tequesta’s village loomed in the distance… mission.’ Then cut ‘two hours later’ and say ‘The landing
2) I’d say ‘Pedro Medenez and his son, Juan, addressed the crew from the front of the ship. Juan…’ → increases flow because there are now less commas. Also, it means ‘Juan’ isn’t written as closely together
3) I’d say ‘Only a few ripples marked the placid waters of the lagoon, as the transports set off…’ → paints more of an image and eliminates the ‘was’
4) I’d just say ‘banyan tree grew. Roots hung from its canopy’ → eliminates repetition of ‘tree’ → we know the roots are the trees roots, and this decreases length of the sentence and makes punchier

Jack, your book was recommended to me by Cara Gold. Absolutely terrific stuff! Six stars and I hope to find shelf space for you soon. Best of luck for the Editor's Desk, but if not this month, then next!!

I absolutely love the three threads and the way you interlink them. Your descriptions are vivid and we really get to know the characters well. An original idea too, and approach - I don't think I've come across many books with your sort of unique flair! Congratulations again on a terrific book!

Well Jack;
to be straight with you, I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE HERE. Because, this book should be in print.
It has quality oozing from every line, at least all the ones that I have read so far. I shall read on, so you better not let us down with the ending now that it's complete. I doubt you will though.

I reread the first few chapters of Miami and it is even better than I remembered it. I especially liked the dialogue between Camille and Ana in chapter three, very well done, and convincingly 1920s. Your imagery is vivid and original, only one place jarred for me, and it's right up front, second sentence. To talk about the hurricane's wind sounds strange to me as a hurricane is wind. Wouldn't just 'the moaning of the hurricane' do? Wind has other unfortunate connotations too.
I'm just guessing, but would the glass used in automobiles, even in the '20s shatter so easily (chapter three)? Just a thought, I'm no glass or automobile expert.
Can't give you any more stars, but I'll back this. Can't have it slipping off the desk.
Jane

{A Nymph’s Heart} – Jack Cerro
Chapter 5:
Returning to read this is always a pleasure, I’m so glad you’re in the top 5 and fingers crossed this will be at the ED when the end of the month hits! Another terrific chapter, I love how your story is unfolding. Some nice images too – I particularly loved ‘silvery outline rippled like a dew coated web in a breeze’… ‘vanishing into fog choked waters’

My editorial suggstions are coming, hope they will be useful as always : )
Cara
Dawn of Destruction

p.s. I emailed. I think Authonomy doesn't like my super long comments :P

There's a lot of talk about what makes a pro-quality novel and what doesn't on Authonomy. There are endless threads about rules and when, if, how to break them or, conversely, follow them.

there are two rules to writing professional fiction, two.

1) Grab the reader, fast and tight.
2) Hold the reader until you are finished with them.

A book that doesn't do both those things is not professionally written, paid contract or not.

A NYMPH'S HEART is a rarity on this site. This is a book that should ALREADY be on the shelves of your local shop. It should already be for sale in ebook formats.

I knew from the first paragraph that I was in good hands here. The author knows intimately not only the skeleton of his world (and it's a big one, spanning multiple time periods), the solid bits that make what you're reading seem real, but he knows the intangible things about it as well, the textures, the smells and tastes that hit you under your mind's radar and make a story you know never happened feel absolutely true, nonetheless.

Jack Cerro has a voice and, more importantly, he is absolute control of his Voice as a storyteller.

I haven't backed a book in a while. I haven't read more than a few pages of anything on this site in a much longer while than that. This one I may actually have to finish.

If you want an eduction on what to do Right, this is the book for you. If you want to just sit back and be pulled and lulled into a new world that seems familiar at first blush but is soon shown to be anything but, this is the place.

My only rule for backing books here is, "Would I buy this, after reading what I have, in a real-world shop?"

The answer here, after three chapters, is an enthusiastic, "Yes."

Backed. With pleasure.

This is a wonderfully written, fascinating story! I love the way you reveal your characters and give the reader insights into who they are. The whole paranormal theme is very interesting and I was totally gripped. You have a great flow and a great story! I intend to read more and will be putting it on my shelf in the next couple of days.
Best wishes and stars for now
Rachael
Dreamscape

C4 suggestions cont 1

Instead of ‘For this work she didn’t need memories, just instinct’ I’d say; “Instinct was all she needed now; not memories.” → places the emphasis on ‘instinct’ at the beginning of the sentence, which is more important I think.

‘Her hand sensed the subtle difference…’ soil and bone is repeated in the next sentence; could you reword next sentence to ‘A soft poke from the chopstick, and dirt flaked off the skeleton.’

I’d say ‘Luisa looked up to see Jack and a policewoman looming over her.’

I’d merge sentences and adjust; ‘Patricia knelt beside the skeleton, her eyes taking in the details of its burial.’

‘She touched the side of the skull’ → skull has been used just before. Maybe refer to skeletal cheek or something?

I’d just say ‘Jack nodded with a grin.’ → if he’s nodding it’s obvious he’s nodding his head. Also I changed ‘grinned’ to ‘grin’ so that two ‘ed’ verbs do not follow consecutively

C4 my editorial suggestions:
I’d split opening para; new line for ‘Luisa knelt by…’  you shift from looking at the whole scene, to narrowing on Luisa
Also how about;
“Luisa knelt by the priest’s grave, a peculiar floating sensation washing over her. Jack’s medicine had kicked in to reduce the nausea, but faint whispers still reached her ears, and shivers crippled her body despite the blazing sun.”

New line for ‘Still, she managed to clean…’ and maybe ‘From her dig kit’ can be in the same para as this?  just think ‘Still…’ should start a new para, because we shift from focussing on Luisa’s ailment, to a more immediate action she is managing to do.

{A Nymph’s Heart} – Jack Cerro
Chapter 4:

So now we return again to the dig, and I like the historical infusion you bring in that makes your book rich and original.

I really loved the ending, where Luisa cries and prays Jack won’t leave her. It is really touching, and I like the quiet moments they shared.

Cara

{A Nymph’s Heart} – Jack Cerro
Chapter 3:

I love the contrast you create in this chapter; Miami before and after development. This was skilfully done by painting pictures through the thoughts of your characters, and I also liked the connections you are beginning to make – The Royal Palm Hotel glowing like an evil beacon, The Blue Lady’s spring and the Dark man’s soul. The reader thinks back to chapter 1 and the excavation, and questions begin leaping to mind.

The second half of this chapter relied mainly on dialogue, which was well-handled and natural sounding. Terrific stuff.

Cara

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My editorial suggestions:

I’d have a new para at ‘Unlike her, Billy couldn’t hear the voices of the dead.’ → creates more impact for this sentence, and also there is a slight shift from focussing on the scene, and The Guardian, to Billy and his wishes ‘Nor did he wish to’. Billy becomes, at this sentence, the complete subject of the para.

I’d say “He had been a boy back then, and Miami Beach just a low barrier island filled with mangrove swamps and punctuated…” → eliminates double ‘was’ and also I think you need ‘had been’ instead of was… Also opening with ‘had been’ means we already establish it’s in the past… so you can say ‘Miami Beach just a low…’

Para ‘He looked across the bay towards downtown…’ → sacred appears three times; ‘sacred to his people’ and two ‘sacred waters’. Consider adjusting so there isn’t a repetitive feel.

Para ‘Camille rose…’ split in half; new para at ‘As she rolled the ball of opium’ → we go from her thinking (desiring a final rest) to rolling the ball of opium, so I think it needs physical break on page

I’d merge sentences; ‘He stepped up to the curb and onto the sidewalk, the smell of bad cologne and cheap whisky preceding him.’

{A Nymph’s Heart} – Jack Cerro
Chapter 2:

I loved this chapter because of the new thread that you bring into the story, establishing no doubt the foundations for an intricate tale.

Cara

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My editorial suggestions:

‘Secretly, he wished…’ → new para here so the first one is split. The action shifts from the physical (slicing through choppy waters) to inside his head, and wishing, so new line

I’d say ‘He stared at the cross in his hand, sunlight reflecting of this golden symbol of his Lord’s sacrifice.’ → smoother? This way, you also mix up the verb types; instead of having two ‘ed’ (he stared, sunlight reflected) you have ‘reflecting’

I’d say “He recalled the face of his Provincial Father, cast up in supplication to the foreign sky, as the heathens encircled him upon the beach’ → eliminates passive voice ‘it was cast’

I’d say “…translator leaned over the gunwale and stared down at the dolphins. A childish smile crept across his face as he said, “The Toninas’…” → otherwise fullstop before the dialogue if you’d rather the other way, because the action isn’t connected to the dialogue.

Comma to read; “His black hair, cut in the form of a halo, had grown…”

Hi Jack,

I’ve just read the first four chapters of Fountain of Youth. This was a really enjoyable read. You have a lovely clear, clean writing-style and create a nice sense of place and time. The sense of a mystery came through very clearly right from the start and drew me straight into the story.

Below are a few points I noted. These are just my observations. Feel free to use what you like and discard the rest.

Ch 1

‘That black greasy soil you found’
She hasn’t told Jack that she found black greasy soil. Nor about the things she found there and as the place is full of water still, he can’t have seen these things for himself yet.

Ch 2

‘to that heavenly home’
comma after ‘home’

Paragraph beginning ‘Pedro took his place…’
‘the governor’ is repeated several times in this paragraph. Maybe you could say something like;
‘His tattered shirt made the governor look like any other member of the crew as he wrapped his hand around the ship’s rigging…’
or; ‘Fransisco studied his companion’s misshapen…’
or; ‘Still staring out over the water, Pedro spoke.’

‘the torture he endured’
‘he’ should be ‘he’d’

‘me off my heir’
‘off’ should be ‘of’

Ch 3

‘series of notches carved into wooden handle’
should be ‘series of notches carved into the wooden handle’

‘I’ll do my penance later,” she said.
It’s hard to tell if this is the girl or Camille speaking. Maybe say ‘Camille said.’ So there can be no confusion. It also might be better as a new paragraph, as the previous sentence is talking about the girl.

‘gripped the girl’s hand; they were soft’
‘they’ should be ‘it’. Camille’s only gripping one hand.


Ch 4

‘going to delay construction’
comma after ‘construction’

‘grand-father’
should be ‘grandfather’



This is a great story, Jack – nicely paced and masterfully presented.

Highly starred. All the best for the ed’s desk.

Sue

Jack,
I really like your book.
I like the idea of flipping back and forth in time.
The story is very interesting and the writing is lustrous. There is a suspenseful plot building.
I particularly like how you transitioned into chapter 2 to speak of Francisco.
More needs to be read but so far I am impressed.

I have starred this highly.
Wishing you every success.

Hello Jack,

I see your name all over Authonomy and thought I'd take a look at your profile and novel. I'm excited to see you are an archeologist (the setting for my novel is Shanidar :)) and also excited about the Florida setting since I was born and raised in the Sunshine State.

I pretty much despise the editing options on this site, but would like you to look at my novel, so am going to offer you something in return - a fair crit.

In your first P., I love that you started with hurricane. That's fabulous, but in your last line, it's unclear if Billy is going to succeed where the dead failed, or where his group of Seminole warriors failed. It's a little hard to separate the two groups because the ancestors are also Seminoles and probably warriors as well. Of course, I'm thinking it is the dead seminoles who failed, but grammatically, I think the pronouns lead us to the current group.

Might also say , "his men"

just say: The pavement was a scab - we'll know it is a metaphor, not a simile. (But I do love that metaphor!)

Repeat of humid air very close together.

decided to start his lunch break - isn't that head hopping? How does Jack know he's quitting for lunch? Does the guy grab his lunch pail and hop off the backhoe? That would be an image that shows me he's ready for a break.

'I need an elevation reading on the floor before I....

Okay Jack, I don't think I can do this afterall. Authonomy is not set up for the way I work. I do love your concept and would love to read it through, but after four years on CC, I'm not wired to read and rave, read and rave. I read and comment, read and comment.

Maybe this isn't the site for me, and that's okay. If you want a crit from me, contact me on Critique Circle. I'm Kathryn. I think this is my last post.

Best wishes.
Kathryn

I'm

Hey cool first chapter! I'm actually from Miami, born and raised. I liked your dialogue... I wish I had time to give you a detailed critique, but finals week is upon me :(

Jack,

I like this a lot! It is very well-written and entriely engrossing. How long have you been writing? This is a very professional job! Although I'm still in Chapter 1, I'll read it all through, and back it! May I ask you to do me the same courtesy? Thank you!

Cybele

I have to say I'm fascinated by this story. I read up to Chapter Five and will read more once I manage all my other promised reads.
You have created a world so unlike anything many other authors have tackled. Your characters are well developed and I like your seamless shifting between times.
You were able to combine two very different genres history and fantasy perfectly and I applaud you for that.
highly stared and backed by me.
Good luck;
Elke
Ella In Between

Hi I read your first chapter, your pitch is good, different and edgy, you use a lot of imagination in your work, its exciting, feisty and a page turner from the start, racy and fast pacing keeping the reader engaged.
Well done, many stars.

I will be back to read more, I would appreciate the return read and comments/ rating.

Blessings Clare :) Be The Human Sunshine

Hey i got your message to read your book and I'm glad i did. This is the type of book i like to read . Will be coming back to read more of this. It's well written and what i read is faultless
highly rated
If you have any spare time i would be happy if you could read and rate mine thanks
Terence

There is a lot of talent behind the writing of "Miami". Accompanied by some excellent prose - "Here she was digging up Miami's unwanted past while her own remained buried" - were fantastic transitions in character perspective; very smooth and effortless. There is not much fault to find, however, the dialogue did seem below par with the other elements of the novel as a lot of the dialogue read like exposition and seemed redundant, which in turn, slows the pacing. Examples of this would be when Jack and Luisa converse over the talkies about his Indian heritage, and each time a character just announces what it is they're going to do, like in Chapter 1, "We need to drain the water out of the hotel". This could be relayed in thought or as description accompanied with the details of how they are planning to drain the hotel, which could be more interesting. Although, having said that, there is also some great dialogue, "I figured it was better to ask forgiveness than permission." This reveals a lot about Luisa's character, and incidentally, I couldn't agree more. Good job.

Michael Hebler - "Night of the Chupacabra"

Terrific first chapter, Jack--lots of tension--and I will read on. Would you take a look at Chapter 1 of "The Doctor of Summitville"? I hope my opening rings with the same authenticity as yours. It's a realistic love story set in 1927-37 with a core of medical practice, which almost required archeology to reconstruct.

After nearly three years on Authonomy, my novel is within sight of the Desk, but is buffeted by the competition. I hope we can swap reads and consider a mutual backing. I'm not looking for praise, but would appreciate corrective comments. In any case, best of luck with your (no spam) best seller, Bill

Have you forgotten to post volume 1?
It seemed like I had stumbled into the second act.
pretty fair writing though

shelf

JS

Hi Jack,
Your story positively rattles along and crackles with tension from the start. Great writing, I have found some really talented wordsmiths on this site and Jack, you are up there near the top. This is my kind of book and I will return to it very shortly (at work just now). I just felt the need to jot down some appreciation.

regards

Cyrus (Hellion 2)

"Miami" - Jack Cerro. I read the 1st 2 chapters, scanned two more and several comments. Stars for interesting plot. Some thoughts: you might want to change your title to something more mysterious or indicative of the plot; not sure about your present to past to present bouncing - could distract the reader; chapter 2 needs a hook at the end to encourage the reader to read on. Hope this helps!

Gideon (Thrill Writer's Remorse)

This author is a very talented writer - in my view. This book is gripping - even though it is not the type of book I would usually read! I really admire the skill with which the story is told and the attention to detail is fantastic. I enjoyed the dilemmas faced by Francisco because they seemed entirely believable and his changing emotions as he tried to convert Obispo were conveyed very well indeed.

I had to skip over some of the more graphic stuff e.g. between Camille and Chan - but that is because of my sensitivity and a tribute to the power of the writer and the story because it felt so real!

I can see this book is already doing very well and am sure it will make it to the ED.

All the best Jack
Margaret
How do I know I know God?

Hey
I have read the first two chapters - I think I really like it. The imagery is very good, I can see a perfect picture in certain places, and I particularly like the opening two chapters of the second chapter. This is very intelligently written, I almost feel overwhelmed with information. i have been looking at your work on and off for the past 4 days, (granted I am recovering from a bug), but I have had to go over it a couple of times. I don't think this is any detriment to you, but more of my ineffective brain power at times. However, it definitely requires full attention at all times! The only thing I could say, and I have only read two chapters so far, is that maybe there could be more about the characters, and their feelings, (and a little less in my book!) I have mentioned to one other person that I could see their book becoming a good film, and the same applies to this one. This is original, and I can envisage it working well in this sense. Luisa's thoughts about the irony of her situation, digging up the past, whilst hers remains buried, is great, and gives the reader a great opening into more mystery. It stayed in my mind, as I expect it will be playing a big part in the future. Very good, 6 stars.
All the best, Lee

Hi Jack,
I like this a lot - it has all the makings of a truly memorable story and is wonderfully inventive. You have used your experience to good effect here. It starts nicely too - an important factor if you are to take your audience with you. Its the sort of story that could be turned into an interesting and colourful film. Hope it all works out for you.
Best regards,
Julian

Miami,

I sat down to read chapter 1 before my lunch today and found myself on chapter 5 before I knew it. Fantastically written, with a unique and refreshingly interesting plot.

I’ve found myself relating to and warming to many of the characters, they are introduced to us like old friends and you feel like you know someone like them, Each character has layers of interest that makes you want to find out more each time.

I like the description of the historical event, I’m no expert on American history but feel I know more about Floridan history now.

The Sequencing of events is done very cleverly, I never felt lost like I do with some novels, and I knew instinctively why you took me to the eras you did when you did.

A fantastic book, highly stared and backed. Hurry up and get it published so I can read it properly, I’m finding reading books on a screen difficult!

James

Miami has something for everyone. I’m actually surprised that so many genres, or snippets of genres, make it into the story and yet author Jack Cerro keeps things under control and the plot moves along at a great clip.

The story is pretty fantastic with time travel, the fountain of youth, immortal beings and a mystery that spans the years. Set in and around Miami, we get to see the city and its history from someone who’s obviously been there and done the research. The archeology angle is fascinating as well, and the author has made a career in this field, so it’s great to learn how digs work from someone who knows.

All the characters are realistic, from the stupid boss we all know to the more majestic characters who have secrets to hide.

But I think the real star of the story is the writing itself. Jack Cerro could be a poet the way he stamps the book with his unique style. You will want to keep reading to find out the secrets of the fountain of youth and the nymph who used to guard it. I don’t see Miami having any problems finding an appreciative audience from a lot of different genres once published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

I love the idea of the whole thing - it sounds original and inspired, just from the summary and chapter one/two. The characters are realistic and the setting is well thought out. Luisa, especially, captured my attention; her amnesia was a nice touch and the strange vision of the priest in C1 was unusual and attention-grabbing. I am backing this because I think it deserves it.

Peace and snowflakes,
Nightskyfantasy

Jack, you're forgiven for violating the Authonomist's code. This is some good stuff.

Finished chapter one and I have five words for you: Where did you get this? The idea is incredibly original! I am glad the book is complete because when I have the time to do so, I'll be reading the rest!

I'm no English major so I won't be able to help you out there but this is definitely catchy and intriguing. Highly starred and will be back for more!

I have backed Miami before but have never been able to take it off my WL as it is so well-written. I have backed it again as I think belongs in the top 5.
High Stars from me
Linda

Dear Jack,
I have just read nearly four chapters (have to stick to business) and can confess, that Miami is really fantastic! I like your way of narrating, your colourful language and bright images, BUT (it's my second name, by the way)to sing praises (well earned-though) is not the best way to be helpful, isn't it? So...
1. Ch.1. "In truth it was a miracle(, comma?) the girl wasn't feral after living with him for so long."
2. "Jack applied the last bandage to Luisa's knuckles before putting the first-aid kit away." " ...before putting...away." Why not "... and put.... away", if you need it at all, for, as to my mind, it gives nothing to the reader. It would be better to link this action (bandaging, I mean) with another, a notional one.
3. Sometimes your descriptions are very detailed. Unnecessarily detailed, I daresay. It's not a film script, you know. You needn't show every movement. Let the reader's imagination work. It's a mighty resource, in fact!
The same with Luisa's memory book .Evidently I've read too little of the book and haven't grasped your intention, BUT does it make all differences in the world how its pages look like?
4."...but mixed together as they were, they were useless from archaeological perspective." Is it so important to use "they were" in the first case?
Chapters 2 & 3 are more dynamic. I like the idea of immortality from the point of view of a mortal being (governor don Pedro Menendez): "...some say, that in exchange for our mortality, the Lord has blessed us with the ability to spread our seed over the fields in which we have laboured."
I like bright scenes with Camille and Billy on the beach, meeting with Anastasia.
BUT I'd like to draw your attention here to such point:
1. Ch. 2. "Francisco made a sign of cross and the pair rose." Father Francisco Arroyo and don Pedro Menendez are so different shoes that can't be a pair, by no means.

Nevertheless, your book is a real magic, especially from the point of view of a rank-and-file immortal being.
Thanks a lot, dear Jack Cerro!

Don't forget your read swap promise.
Best of luck!

Val But
Escape ( four chapters, complete)