The Price of Fame

Hi Val -

Here is your harsh read, as promised. :) Overall, my one storyline comment is that I'm more interested in Chelsea's story than Andy's. Then again, I do like a historical mystery. If the two storylines are going to come together, I'm sure that'll work. If I'm honest, I wasn't really hooked until you introduced the aspect of her mother - that made me interested. In that sense, it's probably the strongest way to end the chapter, so maybe it's a good thing.

Otherwise, here are my comments on the chapter:

Prologue

Your first sentence is a bit weak, in that it builds us up with the “If he had been told a year ago that …” then we get the description of the scene, which is intriguing, but the payoff is simply “...he wouldn't have believed it.” I think you want to finish with the most interesting part, so I'd restructure it along the lines of: “A year ago, Andy would never have believed he'd be standing here, vigilant over the limp body beneath him.”

Can eyes “stare with alarm” and be fluttering open and closed, trying to remain conscious at the same time? I can't picture that. Plus, if she's still conscious, why is she limp? Limp implies unconscious or dead, to me. The fact that her eyes then “flash wide with fear” also goes against the grain of her being limp and barely conscious.

“...violently grasping a patch of her hair.” The word 'patch' doesn't work for me, here. I'd lean towards something more like “a fistful of hair.”

“...like a cat would do a bird, one last time, when - ” This is a bit unwieldy, and I think ending with “when” is clichéd and telegraphs the next line. I'd go with something like: “like a cat with a bird, one last time.” And stop there. The next line, “Cut!” is then less expected and has more impact, I think.

Chapter 1

Your first four dialogue tags are 'giggled', 'agreed', 'sighed' and 'added'. They actually grabbed my attention away from what was being said. Generally, I think the function of a dialogue tag is to do its job in as unobtrusive a way as possible, but these four all together are jumping up and down on the page. I think you can leave the first one as is, but I'd change the second one to: “said Lucy.” then I'd lose the next two, as the reader will assume those two are continuing their dialogue. By the time you get to Naomi elbowing Chelsea, then, it's not repetitive, and we're following the action rather than the tags.

“...she agreed automatically, bored.” I'd lose bored – I already got that sense from her agreeing automatically.

“...you wouldn't behave that way too?” This doesn't feel like natural dialogue to me. Perhaps “...you wouldn't be the same?”

“...and she walked out...” There's a few of them, I think it's worth identifying this as Chelsea – assuming that's who it is!

In the first two lines between Gary and Andy, I think identifying Gary as “his agent” in the first line is a bit clumsy, as I fell over it when reading. I'd suggest moving it into his next line, which could actually be mistaken for Andy on first read anyway. So something like: “Wait there, mate,” his agent continued, “I'm coming over...”

“...began to realise...” I always wince when someone “begins” to do anything. It always breaks up the flow of a sentence and, I think, should be avoided at all costs, unless it really, REALLY works where it is. In this instance, I'd replace that whole phrase with “contemplated” or “considered”.

“Over the next week...” This whole paragraph feels like you weren't sure how to get from where you were to where you want to pick up. In a film, it would be a montage sequence! :) I'd try to work the passage of time into the next paragraph, along the lines of:
“After a week of repeating the same answers to the same questions in studio after studio, Andy was ready to be violently sick as he rolled out of bed at 5am. It was his first day on set. Not only was it his first leading role, but his first film, and the anticipation had grown to a daunting size.”

“half six” I am Scottish and know exactly what this means. My wife is English and after 5 years, still can't remember if this means 5:30 or 6:30. Americans may have nred o chance with it. You may want to change it... :)

“an awaiting car” is a tongue twister. “ a waiting car” is much easier on the tongue.

“He stared at his nameplate until the door opened.” I think you should make much more of this. That nameplate is a huge chunk of reality hitting home for him. From personal experience, having been on telly once (and only once!) I still have the BBC ID badge I was given for the weekend. There was something tangible about it that made everything real, where it had previously felt like I would wake up at any moment.

What does 'strip and groom him' mean? Stripping his clothes? How, if he's sitting down? I can't picture this.

“...your stylist – and soon to be agony aunt.” I'd stop after stylist. The end doesn't feel like natural dialogue and also feels like exposition. Let us see her become his agony aunt, rather than foregrounding it like this.

“...his character's costume.” I think 'character's is redundant here. “...his costume.” is fine and cleaner.

“Here's Emma to take you to the set, good luck!” I'd make this two sentences.

“...had been cast as his...” This is wordy, I'd cut it to just “...was his...”

“...and on spotting him, parted her lips...” Again, a little stilted. Perhaps “...and spotted him, parting her lips...”

Can a smile “highlight” her beauty? I'm not sure that works. Maybe a smile that made her even more beautiful, or something similar?

“She smiled seductively...” this is a very long sentence which I'd make at least two and probably three.

“...patience wore down.” I actually misread this as “...patience wore thin.” the first time, as I subconsciously expected that to be the phrase. I think it's probably, therefore, a more natural fit. :)

“...hundreds of different voices...” again, I think “different” is redundant here, I'd lose it.

“... the crowd began to call her name...” again, I'd kill the 'began'. “...the crowd called her name...” is cleaner, I think.

“The truth was, he didn't care...” Another long sentence that could be two or three instead.

“... but it also had a scent drifting up from it.” I think “...but also the scent drifting up from it.” works better with the beginning of the sentence.

“Lifting it up to his nose, Andy sniffed the paper; it was scented with a strong musky perfume which stuck unpleasantly in his throat.” Two things here: 1/ “Lifting it up to his nose” is redundant. If he sniffs the paper, we can assume he has put it to his nose. 2/ I think you can simplify the second half immensely along the lines of: “...the strong, musky perfume stuck unpleasantly in his throat.”

“Until your mine...” should be “you're”

“...into a draw...” Should this be 'drawer'? I notice you've used it a few times in this form – I've never seen it before, but that doesn't make it wrong... :)

“Andy may be scared...” this is in the wrong tense. Should be: “Andy may have been scared...”

I don't think anyone who lives on Skye would call it The Isle of Skye. Certainly, I've been there and only heard it called Skye. Of course, if you live there and I'm completely wrong, please ignore me! :)

“...and she grew some more hope.” As you start the sentence with 'she', I think you can lose this one.

“Chelsea felt sorry for her friend...” I'd end that sentence there and start a new one with “ Although...”

“...how was I supposed to like him!” needs a '?' rather than a '!'

Finally, I'd put the last sentence on a line by itself. It's a great finish to the chapter and will stand out better like that, I think.


Cheers and good luck!

J :)

Hi,

Off to a great start. Love the transition from prologue to story. You're a good story teller and people love stories about celebs, even made-up ones, so you should do well with this. One quibble, Melinda's dialogue didn't ring true to me. Okay, I'm American and not a teenager, but would a teen star really call her co-star darling?
I've starred this - good job.
Best,
Andi
Anjimal Cracker

good premise and long pitch. enjoy your journey...
j
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