do re ME

You have a unique style to your writing. Once I'd mastered it the story began to flow albeit a little haywire. You mention the chairs set out as a crossword puzzle - black white etc. Crosswords puzzles aren't uniform - what about chess/draughts board - just a suggestion. There were a few terminologies I didn't understand and found as I read on I was getting lost in the jargon. Wish I could have persevered with it but found myself stumbling somewhat. If it could be cleaned up i.e. serious editing, then I'd be happy to take another look at it.

Ruth2904
To Dream Again

C Simmons,

You were on my WL. If this is a return read, sorry for the delay.

I tend to read commercial fiction — simple prose that's mostly story. So, I fear I am not your target audience. But having read I'll let you know a few of the places where I stumbled. I hope that there is at least one thing of use, if your intent, like mine, is to continue to further polish your book. These, of course, are just the opinions of a grammatically impaired, unpublished, hack writer.

"Couldn't help but like what I heard; nostalgia for not enjoying my own rhetoric . . . I guess." - I didn't quite follow this. The conflicting 'like what I heard' and 'not enjoying' threw me off. You might re- read it and/or see if it causes anyone else to stumble.

If I was in the audience listening to the MC's opening speech I would have tuned him out. Since people didn't applaud at the end, I think that was your point. I'm not sure that's how you want to start. People often decide if they're going to continue a book based on the opening bit. It was great that you broke the speech up with thought and action, I'd consider a trim. Anyway, just my opinion.

Liked - "the new-new thing"

"Her chest . . .ardor of recall." - this line was confusing to me.

I found myself having to read very slowly. It's just a personal preference but the prose is a bit flowery and seems at times to try too hard. "She was rust that clings to the mat age leaves, her face dead sparks, the flesh pallid like sun dried geraniums and dust bin crevices, the hands filled with dust pins and eau de Cologne."
'pallid like sun dried geraniums' is a great visual, but is lost amid the others.

Best of luck
Bill
HAKTAW HEART

Do re Me

Does impress ME.

Leaving aside the punctuations, spacing, I-dotting and T-crossing, let me vent my impressions; I read the first four chapters, one more than the suggested minimal.Peerking through the foliage of verbiage, I relished the rhythemic prose, poetic portrayal of characters and situations. What a graphic description of the crossword-puzzle- world of investment bankers,venture capitalists, ambititios entrepreneurs, unsecured markets and Samuels and Ranjits and Lolipops. I like your contemporised version of When Rome burned...BEST WISHES.
TMNagarajan
"NEVER LOSE..."

I read a portion looking for a tie to the title. Then I started thinking, the warm-up routine for a singer is "Doe Ray Me." It was just a reaction of mine to the title. The writing is great. I think you have a winner here. On my WL until I can get it onto my shelf.

Kind of reminds me of Richard Powers.

He got pretty successful after publication/passage of time.

Ok, I'll make it simple. You are writing like a marketing executive, while he tries to sell a concept to someone. You are making an... enORMous effort : to appear enthusiastic in ...every ...single word! Wham!

(See what I mean? this is how it looks -and feels- like reading your story... which is interesting, but too "Las Vegas"...) You are actually writing as if I am right there in the marketing presentation. It sounds a great thing to achieve in writing, but it isn't, not this way. You can be direct without being flashy.

Notes:
- Your ellipsis, colon and semicolon use are ...weird, the least. I would have to write down whole sentences (even paragraphs) to show you this. Please reconsider their use...A few examples after the first scene break in the first chapter:
"I crossed the alley and fell; bump...butt first on the floor." Here, a comma would do, plus you don't need the ellipsis. "I crossed the alley and fell, bump, butt first on the floor."
- "Took the cell-phone and speed dialed my wife's:" ...no colon necessary, only a full stop, plus it is speed-dialed. (nit-pickers will say you need an *I* at the beginning...not me...)
- example where you should use the semicolon and you haven't (I am writing it as it should be): "....he was a 'De Profundis Geek'; a thinking apparatus with goggles for eyes, the type capable of envisioning the new-new thing" (the semicolon, no comma after the Geek, and no italics in new-new...see? too flashy with all the extras, it does seem like a presentation, doesn't it?) I move on and let you think about it.

- I probably don't have the slightest chance to convince you to reconsider the use of all the "oh-boy-oh-boya!/Omigod!!" phrases...right? You seem to be enjoying it too much in these spots...I'm just mentioning it then...discard it if you think I'm stupid or something.

-You throw italics here and there and I don't know what's what, or what for.

All these may sound irrelevant to you, but you shouldn't expect anyone to read your story if the basics of writing are not followed through. I read underneath mine the other comments and I 'm amazed to see I'm the first to comment on what I wrote. Well... your call.

Apart from the negative stuff, I have to say that your first person is a good choice. You are "feeling" it. You also have a good sense of humour and it shows. You also -that drew my attention- almost always chose to "show" things and not "tell". You have incidents flying all-over the place and this pulls the reader in.

I would like to read again, if you cared enough to bring it in a better state.

4 stars from me to encourage you to work on it towards that end.

Yannis
The Book of the Forsaken

On the slush-scannin' front, there were a few apparent 'amateur artifacts' in the opening dialogue? Let's put it this way: it took me a minute you realize you were competent. The prose is immediately stronger. This is only important since nobody seems to take slush manuscripts very seriously (or have time to, I suppose.) I don't know if you should "write for agents," though, or if that's even a valid consideration.

I'm looking at pretty excellent writing, I think. Hey, "liminal," I don't even know that interesting word. You did lose me a bit mentioning "Derrida," because I hate Derrida more than any writer. Preening, transparent charlatan. I'll let you know if I any more interesting compliments/insults occur to me.

About the only "criticism" I can lodge is conventional workshop platitudes: 1) it's impressionistic, even if virtuosic--conflicting forces, aspirations, problems aren't being presented, so it's not intuitively gripping, on a certain level.

Oye chico,

Magnífico -- from the architecture detail to the vacuus conversation; you´re all Miami Beach.

I can´t help it, C., I find your writing fantastic. I mean, fantastic as surreal. Surreal as a sunset in South Beach; and there they are, Atilio and friends, on top of the world, unique, perfect, all-powerful--yet it´s all a big lie. Ay ay ay!

Whom the gods will destroy ... .

Seis estrellas para tí.

Elina

As a writer for children, I'm not in a position to critique something as complex as this. As an avid reader, however, following through with the narration, though, off putting at first for me, it drew me in.
The narration suits the MC. The wit had me smiling. The pace, edging me on to want more.

My only suggestion, ignore any negatives unless useful for editing purposes.
You have something special here.

Best of luck with it, and happy to leave it on my shelf.

Susanne

I saw that you wanted all 3 chapters critiqued in your bio. I'm not a professional, but these are some notes I took/things I noticed as I was reading through. In general, good writing though. Take it all with a grain of salt:

CH1

Use a cross word puzzle analogy...good description of scenery. That really brought it to life for me.

I don’t think you need the colon, in “Standing on the podium, I said:” I think it should be a comma, but I’m not a grammar expert. However, it did look a little odd.

The mention of Barack Obama dates the book. It makes it current now, but will stand out 10 years from now. This may be good or bad, only you can decide.

Later in the chapter you start really using the exclamation mark, once again I’m no expert, but in my opinion you can use them to the point where they are almost useless. So, be careful. For example, “Where is my lollipop!?” A few lines later, “Ta!” then we have “Damned!” then “Ta, ta, ta!” again.

Just something to think about, could a period work just as well in some cases?

I’d take a look at all of the “Ahhh!” moments you have towards the bottom of the chapter. It is distracting, and looks slightly messy on the page. However, I understand where you are trying to go with it. My concern is that it distracts from the actual reading. Perhaps there is another way to express the same sentiment without seeing so many “Ahhhhhhhh!, AHHHHHHHH!, or Ahhh!” with sentences in between?

The sentence “Preciouswho?” needs a space.

CH 2

“Gratefulforwhat?” Needs spacing between the words.

I like your description of the respirator sounding like an, “arresting mob.” Nice way to paint the scene for the reader.

You start overusing exclamation marks again, when your MC is talking about how he doesn’t measure up to his father with the mom. I think that you are trying to show emotion and excitement, but you can do this with dialogue tags. Once again, I’m not an expert so take it with a grain of salt.

I find myself wanting to know more about what is going on with the mom, what is her facial expression when she says, “I could have had any man...”

“Whatawaste!” needs to be separated out too.

I’m guilty of overusing the ...... too. Make sure that there are only three though(I’ve been told this by commenters on my work). Many times you have four periods.

Ch 3

I really enjoy this chapter and how it is dialogue driven. It helped pull me in quicker than your chapter one did. I like the format and glad I made it to this point. “You poor thing!” Ariana piped” That sentence is missing a period at the end. I don’t have near as much to say about this chapter that hasn’t been said in the first two. Once again only 3 periods are in an ellipse.

And you spell “gonna” as “gona” at the very end.


I hope you found some of that useful. Best of luck to you with your work and I hope you get a chance to check out Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket! Different genre but I’d still appreciate your feedback. Best of luck with your book.

Best,

Ashley

There is a dizzying amount of dialogue here, but then again I'm a narrative writer to a fault. Still, your vivid descriptions and well-drawn protagonist have kept me barreling forward. Lovely use of language in places, and there is no shortage of wit. Quite enjoying Atilio's tale. That all being said, the text could use some cleaning up -- I encountered a few too many typos. Simple fix, though. You are waaaay ahead of most.

Happily backed.

Best,

Greg

I was drawn to read this book because I actually grew up on South Beach - so I was interested to see if it was accurately portrayed - and if so, to enjoy a journey back home.

I didn't love your opening line - not sure what you are trying to accomplish here - but it didn't really draw me in, it actually confused me because it's not really that specific. Is he trying to get everyone's attention?

The second line - not sure what you mean "extended to the back." The back of what? The ballroom? Perhaps you should say so. I'm still not sure who is speaking, who he is speaking to and where they are.

Having said that - once I realized it was the Delano I could totally picture the room - but perhaps you should also mention the floor to ceiling windows that overlook the pool and the beack and run along an entire wall of the ballroom (if we are talking about the same ballroom!) my sister got married there...

Not sure about the capitalization or usege of "De Profundis" - you might be just as effective by saying "deep"

Also here "I swallowed air until I was filled;" - perhaps until your lungs were filled, but it's awkward to me to say until "I" was filled...

Next paragraph - do you mean "it's a motion" ??

Next paragraph - "the unchosen events we are thrown onto" maybe you mean "into"?

Loved the paragraph that starts "With hands raised..." - well done.

In the next section I understand what you are trying to do in this sentence "The Art Deco painted in pink..." but I'm not sure it makes sense. Usually you would say "the Art Deco architecture" or "the Art Deco trim" or "the Art Deco feature on the building - then then neon part is ok but it's hanging on the brink of what? and painted caramels? I love the imagery - the words - but I'm not sure what they are actually referring to.

Also unsure by the excalamation "ta!" - that seems very Irish or British - not very American. What do you mean by this?

Was also confused by the paragraph that starts "Over the window..."

You give this character Atilio a unique voice that really is all his own - I think that the sex scene goes on for a bit too long with a bit too many "Aaaahs" either use more description or cut it. Also - because the door is open we expect them to be discovered or something - so that jarred me when they weren't.

After that I felt like the next break should be a new chapter rather than a break - it changed topics a bit too quickly and I had trouble shifting gears...

However I am inrigued by where his wife is at the end.

Chapter 2 -

There were places here too where the grammar or word choice bothered be a bit - "white in whiteness" - "bitch-top"? what does this mean?

But I did like your description of his stepmother in the paragraph that starts "Her eyes..."

Then you say "She walked around the Biedermaer" - but I thought they were in the hospital? Confused. This a a flashback of sorts?

I understand that his meditation on the Nannies is supposed to be some sort of representation of his further deterioration into unstable insanity or something like that but I'm afraid you lost me a bit there and I feel that those last few paragraphs could have been shorter or condensed...

Still wondering about the wife. How does he know she is cheating on him? Why does he care? He is cheating on her, no? So why does it bother him.

I think "Piscis" is spelled "Pisces" - if you mean the astrological sign...

You definitely capture the fakeness of many of the people that live in Miami/South Beach here. I understand it because I grew up there - but I am wondering if you will lose other readers...

I do love the way you end chapter 3 - "way too many chilies" - that was funny and made me smile.

All in all I think you do a good job of presenting what South Beach is really like - I do question though how many people will really understand it. I think your character is really interesting - but be careful of going off on too many tangents. And I think that your descriptions are good but sometimes go off the mark a bit. Try to tighten them up and hone them down to make sure they can be understood by everyone - even people who have never been to South Beach.

Thanks for a really interesting read.

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

The use of first person is effective in here, and there's a clear, unique voice. The short, staccato sentences work well, coming across as if they are his fragmented thoughts. There's a nice subtle humor that sneaks in during his speech and throughout the opening chapters. I liked the "whales bursting" part and laughed trying to imagine what that would sound like. But my favorite paragraph was the one starting, "With my foot in my mouth." You also have a nice, creative grasp of figurative language. There were quite a few metaphors/similes I'd never heard that were very effective because they served as solid characterization of Atilio.

Loved the line, "Forgive me. I discover Catholicism in moments like this."

The character development is solid. You've done a good job developing Atilio.

The dialogue is fast-paced and realistic. I love that you only use tags when absolutely necessary and you keep their replies choppy. Very authentic.

You have a unique writing style. You're definitely a talented writer and manage to pull off a difficult, fragmented, stream-of-consciousness style. There are times when it can be strengthened, but this is a great start.

The end of the first chapter was well done and made for a good page-turner.

The banter between him and his stepmom was my favorite part. Funny, well-timed, and believable. "He was the biggest wallet in the garden." Gotta love all that green. In fact, I enjoyed most of your dialogue (i.e. Martika, Ariana, and Atilio's conversation). It's interesting.

Suggestions: Make sure you avoid passive voice such as "the windows covered by curtains." The subject should always do the action. For example, it should be: "The curtains covered the windows."

You use quite a bit of telling rather than showing which makes it more difficult for your reader to enter into the story. Look out for "were" and "was" as these are the two most obvious indicators of telling.

Atilio is giving a speech at the beginning, so why do you have paragraph breaks for the dialogue? It's jarring and it makes it sound like he's conversing with someone, but in reality, he's not.

As for the speech, I think you can do better. It's tough to begin a book with a speech like this because if your reader isn't interested in what he's talking about, you've lost them. For me, I wasn't hooked. Is there a stronger way to open this?

After the scene break, you present his back-story with an infodump. You're a good enough writer that I think you can work that information in through conflict. Avoid the infodump.

Though I like the writing style, at times it rambles and loses purpose. For example, the paragraph, "Over the desk's edge..." could be cleaned up.

I had a bit of an issue with your main character. While his voice is distinct and you develop him well, I really didn't like the guy. It's not necessary for him to be perfect by any means, but a couple redeeming qualities would encourage me to invest more interest and time in this novel. For me, I didn't really sympathize with him until the second chapter; at that point, it becomes a bit clearer why he is the way he is.

The story meanders quite a bit, and I wasn't really sure what the plot was. After three chapters, I'm still not entirely sure without looking at the pitch. There's a lot of "fluff" in here that really doesn't move the plot along. I'd outline the plot and make sure you're steadily advancing it with each page.

Typos: The semi-colons in the first and last sentences of the paragraph starting, "The thin wooden..." are misused. An independent clause should follow a semi-colon. In fact, pretty much every time you use one, it's misused.

Should be: "Barack Obama."

Should be a comma after "if the message is the medium."

Should be: "espresso machines."

You're missing a comma after "anticlimaxes."

Shouldn't it be, "With my foot in my mouth?"

Need a comma before God.

Should be, "a medley of spaces were connected."

When using an ellipses (...) only use three periods.

Should be: "speed dialed."

Should be: "threw it at the wall."

Typically, you delve into things.

Should be: "He was not at the Delano this morning," I said. You're missing a few commas with dialogue.

I stumbled over, "the lips biting the face ditsy regret."

Should be: "Her chest turned into a screen where I..."

He fell understood? Should this be feel?

"All-knowing" should be hyphenated. Same with "sea-bathed." And "gold-pleated." Any time you have two words serving as a single adjective, it should be hyphenated.

No apostrophe in "it's decorative attestation."

Not sure what you mean, "her tan threw peanuts scents." Do you mean the scent of peanuts?

Past tense is "lay."

Should be: "I chose him."

There are quite a few other typos. Make sure you go through this thoroughly; it will make the read a lot smoother.

This is one of the most unique novels I've come across on authonomy. While it needs a lot of polish and editing, this story has a lot of potential. Good start!

Hey there. I tried to take a crack at your first chapter. Not sure I succeeded. But this is what I came up with:

Typos:

"Too may(many?) clips of real housewives..."

Took out my phone and speed dial(ed) my wife's.

Recommendations:

I took a dramatic pose. (I assumed a dramatic pose.)

Another pause. (This breaks things up too much.) How about this: "Hollywood junkies call it 'throwing the lot." I glanced at the (attentive? lackluster? indifferent?) faces before me. "They say film is reverting to form .....(and then boy, do I get lost!) I have no idea who's talking now.

Questions:

I flipped the page. It got stuck! (What got stuck? And why the '!' ?)

With my foot on my mouth (I don't understand this phrase, but I love this paragraph.)

He was not at the Delano, this morning, " I said. (delete the comma)

"I thought he would." (I thought he would what?)

"He is being acting weird lately." (He has been acting weird lately.)

And this is where I stopped. It just kind of goes on and on doesn't it? Not sure what the story is about any more and I'm not sure this chapter is as good as it could be.

Sorry I couldn't have been more help. Best of luck to you!JKinkade

You have some crisp dialogue--though at times I feel as if I'm getting way too much--and you can turn a phase. But overall I struggled to get any traction in your story. I like the concept of guys that create problems for themselves, but I want to care more about them and Atillio isn't doing it for me yet. I have to be honest, and I'm sorry if I come across as rude, but these chapters seem like an exercise in clever, and way of demonstrating that you have the gifts of a good writer but when it comes to story/plot/ the stuff that pulls a reader into a narrative, I don't see it.

I'd love to get more traction. I don't need it in the first paragraph and I don't need to start with someone jumping out of a plan without a parachute, but you might be well served by thinking about some basics: have a hook, develop characters who have clear goals and clear obstacles that often conflict with each others, have a clear narrative arc/objective for each chapter, etc...

Good luck. If you revise, drop me a line.

your dialogue and narrative marry together very well to relay your tale, and introduce your characters with great effect...
on my watchlist.
read SEASONS...

"throwing the plot - is missing a ' before throwing i believe? there shud b three dots there???? if im honest i had a bit of trouble getting my head around your 'voice' in the opening, like 'my hands all over' is obviously this guys thought stream but i didnt get it at first, i wudda prefered it more spelled out, but i guess thats typical lazy modern reader syndrome. 'she didnt act... Careful.... i said' all these should only be 3 dots with one space either side - that's the technical convention and if u pick up any novel off ur bookshelf at home u'll see they agree. also noticed some of ur paras are indented, others aren't - it mite be more asthetically pleasing if they were consistent. Your characters have a lot of depth and quirkyness to them, and there's nothing more appealing than watching a fall from grace so that's bound to hook ppl in. The first chapter is a decent length - too many ppl make them short when i think its better to have them longer so ppl are given more to get into at the beginning. nice finish too. overall this was an interesting and innovative read, best of luck! :-)

Do re ME by C Simons

Chapter 3

Taking notes as I read …

You wanted me to look at Point of View and use of metaphor so I will look at those elements-

The point of view is 1st person. Consistent and works for the story.


Some metaphors seem appropriate and go along with your diction but it seems that you are all over the place and overdo it :
the main character is a dog, part teddy bear, and sometimes a pope and a bleeding martyr, a nun, and a dollhouse

may be mixing the metaphors too much – a teddy bears crumbling – not because of murder but out of some stomach holy happening ??? –( this is writing at its worst!!!)

The toilet imagery is interesting we have plunging and chains and rawness and a handle

The sexual imagery is revolting -


Grammar: Check the dialogue – a lot of times you leave commas out “You owe me” he said. You should have a comma after me before the “””
Homophones – wander should be wonder … check for those –


Flush this and start again -

I was intrigued by your post, but don't want backing. I really couldn't make it through the first chapter. I might not have read half of the first chapter. You asked about your POV, and as far as I read, that seemed consistent.

There were quite a few grammatical errors, although I'm not sure you asked about that. However, I can't read a piece that has a lot of mistakes. I get bumped out too easily. Here are a few examples:

tongued parched should read tongue parched
monkeys on a stick? What's that?
I took a De Profundis breathing should read breath
You use too many elipses (...) and when used properly, only 3 dots
A deep breathing should read a deep breath
The medium by disembodying it. You need a comma after medium

My next comment is that your narrator (I) talks too long, without doing something, like sticking his hands in his pockets or something.

You need lots of commas where you don't have them i.e. not your commitment COMMA your virtue
not power COMMA but enlightenment

Sorry, but that's as far as I could get.
A brutally honest critique.

do re Me. I see the plot and the plot seizes me.
First, I found out (by curiosity?) that Atilius was a highly successful Roman General and Consul. He defeated the Carthaginians in the Punic Wars, but after a reverse he was captured and imprisoned by the Carthaginians. When the Romans regained power, Carthage sent Atilius on parole to sue for peace or an exchange of prisoners. Instead Atilius encouraged Rome to continue the oppression. He tempted fate by keeping his word and returning to captivity and martyrdom. He was cruelly tortured and beheaded.

So now we see the proud successful Atilio in profile, a speaking portrait, uttering his dramatic monologue, composed in post-modern idiom. Colourful images are daubed, thrown, splattered on the canvas. And the process is not only profile-into-portrait-into-painted narrative. It is now also a motion picture and even programme music. Bits and pieces of language, any language, half-realised thoughts - all these are of course words, images, and inevitably sounds in the head - become not only a strream of consciousness but a torrent of synaesthetic impressions landing on our mental screen. They meet, merge,blend or conflict. And as the narrative proceeds, so must the drama, Impressions are charged with emotion, or extended into new dimensions through the reader's own Perspective Glass.
This may draw the reader in, to sample the experience further, or lead to a failure of input - no wished-for "hook-and-pull" towards a satisfactory climax and denouement. But another reader will have become aware of the tragedy in Atilio's soul or destiny, and of a new kind of "elevation" and literary tradition created by "us Geeks".
Now for the correctives in my next. Earwigo!
David Grant

For a number of reasons, this is a difficult story to comment on; it’s not a fast paced thriller where you’re dropped straight into the action etc. But I suspect you know that…

I haven’t read anything like this before and I get the feeling that you’ve been dabbling with the writing malarkey and then one day you had an epiphany and thought that’s it, and off you went. I say that because the work needs some serious editing. You switch tenses on several occasions halfway through sentences; I think that’s more due to first draft syndrome than anything else – I might be wrong.

Because this is a difficult read – in the intellectual sense – it’s important that you tighten this up, otherwise readers will switch off. That said, there is some stunning writing in here and your love and appreciation of language abounds.

I’ve read what you have posted, three times, and there are still parts that I don’t get, but that’s down to my ignorance rather than your writing.

I’d suggest you lose the plinth section that opens this and start with the excellent ‘… was an incubator in Collins Avenue…’ The description places the story and immediately the voice suggests an unstable narrator and the reader is alerted to what might follow. This section had a slight feel of American Psycho to it, albeit nuanced with a touch of modernity.

‘Inside, a stair serpentine [s/ed?] its way…’ this is an example of the text needing a polish and leads into a language strand problem. ‘Through the snake stair…delving in Cantonese!’ In this paragraph, your metaphors and language strands are so mixed up that it’s difficult to follow and get what you mean. You’ve got snakes rattling like caterpillars. Then you’ve got waxworks made of shades that blur and spin and shake and tremble before going into a heart full of stomach cracking? And then, why Augustan pulchritude followed by derision of people eating? What do you mean here? I’ve studied philosophy and Augustan doctrines and I’m lost. There’s too much going on in this short paragraph. I’d suggest you slow down, introduce the point and develop it. And many paragraphs are similar to this one.

If you want the reader to stay with you, you need coax them along. Don’t rush.

If I were to go through every paragraph, I’d be writing a 10, 000 word essay. So What I’d suggest is the following:

Start with the guy being quasi normal and let the reader slowly experience the breakdown. I’d suggest, as his self destruction deepens, that you drip in some of your more esoteric stuff and this will allow the reader to follow you.

If you decide to edit this and clean it up, give me a shout and I’ll be happy to have another look. Of course, only if you want me to have another look...

i think you have a great pitch- short and catchy. i'd tweak your last line:
"If you know a priori that you are the world’s greatest saboteur of your own life and you can do nothing about it, just watch your own train wreck."

i had trouble visualizing your 2nd line: 'my hands...' 'standing at the podium' works better to orient me.

"take a pose"- do you mean PAUSE?

i'd suggest using more physical details. your voice is unique and the language is compelling but i had very little sense of setting, which makes it hard to keep track of the action, as if it's happening in a vacuum.
thanks for the read.

Do re ME by C Simons

Chapter 2

Making observations as I read….

Structure:
Think it might be good to – right after you mention two hospital beds to add a sentence like: My father was at rest in one of the beds and my stepmother, [some sort of description here], in the other.

Why is some of your punctuation red?

Repetition of the term “bitch” is annoying

Again, as with chapter one – it seems as a writer you are trying to express the emotions of the character and the intonations through the physical format of the words on the page – (some of your words are in bold and may be in another font and seem to be spaced differently) this is very poetic – but it may be better at the starting point in your career anyway  to describe this emotion through your writing and word choice.


Setting:
If you are going for gross – you have mastered it – the diction you have chosen to begin this chapter really works to create a repulsive scene -

The daffodils are a nice detail – they add to the setting and also to the development of the main character (he was incapable; however, he did have the thought of being nice which indicates that there is hope for him)

Characters:
Again the main character is full of anger and immaturity – not a likable guy – yet – there is room for him to grow – that is good for plot development –

Plot:
The family – Ahh we meet them and … they are dying – gothic touch, I like it

Good – now we have more of an understanding of why this Main character is angry – what a family –

A slight contradiction: The step-mom does inflict pain – you write “She knew how to hit me where I live” The a few paragraphs below that when you are describing her you say, “having lost all power to wound with simple words …”

Sudden thought – Chapter Two may make a better Chapter One – (Switch the chapters??? Just an idea –

Section 2 after the ***

Good beginning here – like the simile – would be stronger if you made it a simple sentence just: “Morning stood like a glazed donut.”

Wow you have broken into poetry here – doesn’t even sound like you any more – IS ANOTHER PERSON WRITING???

Here in this side of chapter two – unless you are going for poetry (Whitman and ee cummings like) I would make sure that every sentence had a subject and a time telling verb 

Like this better than 1 –

Will read 3 soon -

do re ME
C Simons

Taking notes as I read:

Shout line – appealing : one sentence presents a mystery – who is Atilio and why is he out to get himself? A little philosophical intrigue here already

Long pitch –

I like the 1st paragraph. Now we learn that Atilio has money and a life. You may want to take a look at the articles you are using – sometimes you are using “the” and sometimes “a” –probably need to just stick with “a” here -

After that 1st paragraph though, the pitch seems to fizzle out –
Perhaps the lines are too choppy –
Perhaps you are telling the reader too much; if so, take out the words: Atilio has a problem, and let the reader conclude this.

Atilio has everything but peace of mind and because of this has become his own greatest enemy. Is there nothing that will stop him from ripping apart his life piece by piece? Read on in do re ME to discover his fate.

Questions: Does he derive pleasure from this self destructive activity or is it uncontrollable? Is there a struggle? Also how does the title play into the overall theme? If so – you may want to hint at that in the pitch ….

Grammar – there are two periods after mind.

1

NOTES:
Reading your opening to this work is like hearing someone talking through a microphone that keeps clicking off – Lacking in details and sometimes complete sentences – this work – is a rough draft at best and more like an outline for a B movie script

Help:

I would start with adding details that would work to clue the reader into what is going on – what when where of the story

Also -

Avoid using slang terms – all readers do not know what you know –

Use imagery for a purpose – Unsure why you are connecting the business to Asian Architecture

Finish your thought structure with each sentence IE You hands all over – all over what?
Work on your diction – sometimes the words you are using are not really the right words logically

Make sure that your work has clarity:

Nostalgia for not enjoying my rhetoric – What does this mean – be clear –

The speech and the main characters thoughts intertwine and I am not sure what he is actually speaking to the crowd and what he is thinking – Somehow make the separation clear –

STAND UP STAND ….
And For CRYING OUT LOUD ….
I KNOW IT
Avoid the use of caps here – trust in the language not the physical
Format to get across how the character is feeling – describe and develop the character

Classification Change:
After reading the first chapter – would say erotica and/or general fiction rather than literary fiction

Hi C.

I really liked the idea of your book but I have to be honest and say that I found your writing more than a little inaccessible. You have a clever use of language, some of your metaphors are really appealing however I simply couldn't access the structure of your writing.

The short sentances are like a staccato heartbeat or a series of mini slaps around the face which affects the flow of your writing for me and left me struggling to grasp the characterisation.

I hope that you won't take this too much to heart as I am but one voice and not a very important one at that and I'm sure that other's will feel differently.

Best of luck with it.

Jo G

You have a very interesting approach to your writing that I haven't seen on Authonomy. I like the metaphors you have placed throughout, though some of them seemed a bit forced. There are a few things I didn't like about what you have posted so far (none of them really mistakes, just point of view), but I did read it all and would come back to read more if you decided that is what you want to do. You must have a unique way of looking at life, cause I don't think there are many people out there that could write in the style you have chosen as well as you have. Good luck! I do hope you will more up... I would like to read more.

Hi, spotted your thread on the forums and came to take a look.
If I'd been browsing, looking for something to read, I wouldn't have got past the pitch. You have the introduction to the character and the setting, but where's the plot? '...everything except peace of mind' is a weak hook and simply says 'unsympathetic/selfish character' which doesn't interest me.
However I did read the first chapter. Almost stopped again at the first line with 'he uttered' - why is 'uttered' better than 'said'? It pulls the reader up and makes them think about the writing. If there's no obvious reason for doing that then it comes across as pretentious. The prose should be invisible so the reader can immerse themselves in the story.
Stopped again at the Ahhhhh - a sex scene in the opening chapter says 'this is Erotica' to the reader. I see you've labelled it 'Literary Ficiton' but I saw no evidence of it belonging in that genre. General Fiction is a better fit.
Initially read all the 'ahhhhh's as screams. This isn't a film, you have to describe what's happening to the reader so they can visualise the scene, not rely on noises.
Avoid writing words in capitals.
Good luck with it.
- NaomiM

Hi,

I think I get what you're trying to do - subvert the usual narrative form, a little Tom Wolfe, a little Brett Easton Ellis. But I have to confess, I didn't understand a lot of what you were trying to say. And I'm pretty smart, high SAT scores if you must know.

So first, the errors. Did you mean Rachel Maddow where you said Maddox? If so, I kinda doubt the fake boobs on a lesbian. The stairs serpentine I think should've been past tense. Okay, maybe nit-picky, but even small errors are a distraction and slow the reader down. Please proof read. You're obviously smart enough.

On to more substantive matters. Ta! Huh? Arenas of dilapidated milk - ditto. I love a good metaphor and I'm not opposed to less-than-conventional storytelling modes, to wit, Cormac McCarthy. Or even the occasional Latin bon mot. But I t hink you everdo it. You're a bit too clever by half. Clever is good. Clever is fun. Clever should serve, not subvert, the story. If there is one.

And now, for your reading pleasure (or not) - Animal Cracker.

Good luck.
Andi

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An interesting start. A dynamic, intriguing main character. Excellent deep point of view. Thought-provoking narrative. Wonderful word play. Good descriptions. Not a lot of tension in this chapter until the very end. Acceptable pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "By elevating new types that by their mere appearance beg the question; why is he being elevated?" 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people. There are many more cases in this chapter where 'that' is used when 'who' is appropriate.
2) "This homus informaticus geeks ..... is us!" When using ellipses ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with five dots. You don't want that. There are more cases of this type of problem.
3) "STAND UP ...! STAND UP ... ! ELEVATE YOURSELF ...!" There is no need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you want to convey with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics and/or exclamation marks to emphasize words. Also, ellipses ( ... ) indicate hesitant speech. Exclamation marks indicate full stop. Which is it here? Consider dropping the ellipses.
4) "FOR CRYNG OUT LOUD GOD STOP SCREWING ME!" As mentioned above, no need for writing in all caps. The exclamation mark is sufficient. 'Cryng' should be 'crying.' And finally, put commas before and after 'God.' When addressing someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
5) "On her way up" Carmelia replied, nodding. Comma after 'up.' There are many more cases of dialogue missing punctuation.
6) The sex scene is excellent. Quite original.
7) ' ... what in the world do this creatures use for appropriation?' 'This' should be 'these.'
8) Capitalize 'internet.'

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Does this critique meets your critieria for a 'brilliant' comment?

Have a wonderful day.

Al

I was intrigued by your forum post and profile, but I'm guessing there will be no backing for me. So, without further ado, I will offer a comment free of sugarcoating: I just didn't get it. Some of your metaphores were brilliant, but many went over my head. (I write fantasy, so what can I say?) I usually like books based on a feeling of unity with a character, but Atilio was a little hard to like. The dialogue was confusing in some spots, and though I felt like I SHOULD get it, I just really didn't. I'm sorry to be so negative; I've been reading alot of YA, so when you throw alot of big words my way, I tend to freeze up. Here's what I did like: the pacing, the brutal honesty, and the "lolipop." There's alot to like here if you're the literary type, which clearly, I am not. For readers who are seeking realism and truth, this should hit a home run. For those (like me) who are looking for escape, it's a bit out of my comfort zone. Good luck with this.

i like it, this guy is spitting blood, that's what you get for chewing barbed wire, i see why you like sylvia plath, going to put it on my watch list, all depends what you want, obviously not looking to sell romance novels. i want to say only the rich can afford so many metaphors, and of course that is who your main character is, yes i can believe anybody going at such a frenetic pace is looking for peace, and this works then, the frear of not measuring up comes through, the search for meaning and signifcance comes through, do i always want to have to wade through strained similes and metaphors, not usually, but there are gems to be found here, i never cared for reading thomas pynchon, but i get here is a guy trying to be honest and full of himself and trying to get that all put together, and mad about it all, not really different than most folks, that is somethig he would rather avoid knowing maybe