India Was One

I have had the opportunity to read the first two chapters, and think your strength as a writer is in the small, telling details: the sound & sense of rain dripping onto hot oil; a tree being mistaken for a man in the darkness. I liked the dialogue too, particularly in chapter one, which was convincing and interesting.

The first chapter was an engaging & subtle way of presenting the political divisions in the country to the reader: by relating this to the divided lives between two main characters. One pedantic point of detail, however, was that the first chapter was set at night-time, and Jai has a lantern to guide him. Yet he can see Kaahi, who is some distance away, through binoculars - and can see that she is crying. Was she illuminated too?

In chapter two, you capture the drizzle & greyness of the weather, and I liked the well-observed detail about 'bellies looking big' with books stuffed under coats (you could think about dropping the word 'looking' for greater effect?). You capture the sense of blossoming love between the two main characters, but watch out for sentences, such as 'her lecture would soon get over', which is rather ungrammatical ('...would soon finish', perhaps might be better?).

I found the train journey & dialogue within this section rather overlong, and the short sentences, divided by large spaces on the page, made for a fractured reading experience - perhaps you could group these sentences better, and cut out any dialogue that does not advance the story.

I quite liked the narrator's asides in italics, although I think some of these were unnecessary, e.g. Indian pickle, and the change of type size & inclusion of bold sections of text rather threw me. I wondered if you had included these for a particular stylistic reason, but perhaps these are formatting issues that you need to resolve? I suspect the latter.

I think you need to consider adding something to the story in chapter two that gives the reader a sense of the period of history in the story. Some of the dialogue, e.g. inclusion of the word 'cool' seem to suggest it was late 20th century, but for those not familiar with Indian history, perhaps you could include a clue to the year or years involved.

Finally, the last paragraph of your novel pitch could, I felt, be omitted, as it did not work for me, and perhaps it might be better to end with the question of the previous paragraph: 'Will India become one again?'

Overall then, I liked this, and looked forward to reading more. You are a subtle writer with an eye and ear for small, but important detail.

Good luck

Colin Neville

IWO,
What better way to illustrate the breakup of a country than to focus on the dilemma faced by a husband and wife trapped on either side of the divide. Jai and his wife Kaahi are vicitms of circumstance, only their love for each other sustaining them through their extraordinary hardship. Your narrative is clearly descriptive, your dialogue uncluttered, laying the solid foundation for a good read. Thank you for your brilliant work, both entertaining and informative.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

this is a fascinating story on a fascinating subject about a fascinating country. you write with great skill and care, making this an excellent book- on my watchlist;- 6 stars******
read SEASONS...

I have read your uploaded chapters. Ivfound it very interesting how you explained about the different areas and language. Most people in the western culture know of Indian food (not just takeaways). I have Indian friends so the food you were describing I have made and have eaten. I do not know if this would be relevant. A good start to your story and I am eagerly anticipating their wedding.

Wow. This is a really moving opening. I did not expect to be so moved. I really like the way you start this novel. The actual physical separation of the husband and wife who can only see one another through binoculars is really powerful and unusual. I liked the first chapter a lot and I hope to read more when I can.

I wish you luck with this,

- Rena

With fiction, you very well attracted the attention to the partition.
Your two charrecters make the story.
I am very impressed with your Hindi text inbetween. I love that, i can read this much of Hindi. I do not have the Bangla wordpad, to use in my writting, i often miss Balgla text, i want to use Bangla phrases though i do not have Bangla wordpad.
Few suggestion;

1. you should complete your story.
2. create few more circumstancial effect, and time relativity.
3. Have more dialogues between the charrecters

Overal good work. Good luck. India was one, mentioned in chapter3 of Ache in my heart. Have a look, it raised from 5400 to 428 in 8 weeks. Published!

I have wanted to read the work of my "friends" first, so here I am, having finished chapters 1 and 2. I find myself very interested in the portrayal of Indian life, feeling thankful that all I had to learn in school was U.S. History, because Indian history sounds very complicated. I really enjoy the concept about which your are writing and even, as one reviewer has pointed out, the details. India is becoming more real to me. I anticipate the political and emotional upheaval when the division happens.

As for the writing, It feels to me like the outline of a story needing a next step to make it into a flowing novel of interest. I don't really "feel" the love story -- it's more like reportage than conveying of emotion. I think that's probably where all writing starts -- listing the basics. For me, the next step often comes when I'm lying in bed trying to make something more flowing of my basic good ideas. And these really are good ideas.

I see that your book is rising in the ranks, and I'm happy for you. It would be my preference to see this modified before it gets to the Harper Collins editor.

I hope this review is of some help, and I wish you success.

Mrs. Job (Mona)

I have had the opportunity to read the first two chapters, and think your strength as a writer is in the small, telling details: the sound & sense of rain dripping onto hot oil; a tree being mistaken for a man in the darkness. I liked the dialogue too, particularly in chapter one, which was convincing and interesting.

The first chapter was an engaging & subtle way of presenting the political divisions in the country to the reader: by relating this to the divided lives between two main characters. One pedantic point of detail, however, was that the first chapter was set at night-time, and Jai has a lantern to guide him. Yet he can see Kaahi, who is some distance away, through binoculars - and can see that she is crying. Was she illuminated too?

In chapter two, you capture the drizzle & greyness of the weather, and I liked the well-observed detail about 'bellies looking big' with books stuffed under coats (you could think about dropping the word 'looking' for greater effect?). You capture the sense of blossoming love between the two main characters, but watch out for sentences, such as 'her lecture would soon get over', which is rather ungrammatical ('...would soon finish', perhaps might be better?).

I found the train journey & dialogue within this section rather overlong, and the short sentences, divided by large spaces on the page, made for a fractured reading experience - perhaps you could group these sentences better, and cut out any dialogue that does not advance the story.

I quite liked the narrator's asides in italics, although I think some of these were unnecessary, e.g. Indian pickle, and the change of type size & inclusion of bold sections of text rather threw me. I wondered if you had included these for a particular stylistic reason, but perhaps these are formatting issues that you need to resolve? I suspect the latter.

I think you need to consider adding something to the story in chapter two that gives the reader a sense of the period of history in the story. Some of the dialogue, e.g. inclusion of the word 'cool' seem to suggest it was late 20th century, but for those not familiar with Indian history, perhaps you could include a clue to the year or years involved.

Finally, the last paragraph of your novel pitch could, I felt, be omitted, as it did not work for me, and perhaps it might be better to end with the question of the previous paragraph: 'Will India become one again?'

Overall then, I liked this, and looked forward to reading more. You are a subtle writer with an eye and ear for small, but important detail.

Good luck

Colin Neville

Subtle and interesting; a pleasure to read. I will return!

Colin Neville
'Millstone'

The first chapter has me hooked, adding it to my list. 'Bohat zabardast, bhai sahib'. It also solved my problem, I was going to add a glossary here, but your idea is better to put the translation in brackets, easier for the reader.

There's much flavor and the relationship is handled well, bringing out character besides the emotions of the two. I enjoyed the depiction of the college students and the telling about their backgrounds. The binocular with coin slots - I'd never heard of that before! Intriguing and lively by turns. Shelved and starred - Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

An interesting read, in an interesting style, with a varied cast of lifelike characters. Popular interest in Indian culture is increasing and this book should have a wide potential readership - On my book shelf and staying there!

Interesting. I have enjoyed what I have read so far.

Interesting. I have enjoyed what I have read so far.

Interesting. I have enjoyed what I have read so far.

Lovely writing and a moving story. I wish you all the best with this.

David

'Master Act': a memoir

I enjoyed the story and the characters. The first chapter stands out for the way it keeps the reader guessing. For instance, the 6 foot tree that was mistaken for a man, and what sight the binoculars would reveal. I would have enjoyed it even more without the use of unique alphabets and their translations, as well as pauses to describe various tribes, foods, systems, etc. I believe the book has potential.

First off, I loved the first chapter. It was beautiful, and set the tone and voice of your story right off. I really liked the beginning of the second, but I got rather lost to the point and necessity of all the traveling, etc., in the second half of it. The first part was relevant and beautiful to the story, I loved it. Although I'm wondering: is the download messing up your fonts? At first I thought the italics were for only the facts, but then I saw them elsewhere, and then also different other fonts, so I was confused. But the part when they tell they're married to their friends, and one (I forget which) talks about the two snacks--I wouldn't put in the facts that way. It disrupted and ruined the sentence, so that it couldn't have an impact for the reader. I would be careful with the facts though; too many distracts. I love the great majority of them, as I really love learning about other places, but some of them just took away from the pace of the story.
You do have a beautiful story here. I'd edit out stuff that disrupts the pace, and doesn't seem really relevant to the husband and wife's story. Make it a bit more concise, maybe. Like chap three...I thought the mention of the cricket was a good info bit on the culture, but I felt like I was really getting away from Jai and Khaani's (I believe that's her name...) story.
Thanks though--I learned a lot more about India (one of the top places I've wanted to visit since I was a kid) than I have in years! ;D
Any comments, if you're inclined, for my book Alexis Revelation and Revolution would be most appreciated. God bless!

--Shieldmaiden

India Was One is dripping in Indian culture. I know countries that have been divided before, with families on both sides of boundaries, such as what happened with Germany following World War II. But I never considered it could happen to India. Then again, I didn’t realize that there was so much tension between the north and south parts of the country. The book takes a historical bias and turns it into a heartfelt fictional tale about two people trapped on different sides of a border though no fault of their own.

The writing is almost poetic in its application, with dialog between the characters being particularly strong and engaging. Based on the chapters posted here, I almost feel pulled into the story, like I am right there experiencing the sights and sounds along with the characters. This is the start of an epic tale and I feel like I could easily get swept away by it.

The one thing that kept me from really being able to sit back and enjoy India Was One was the inclusion of the Indian words followed by their definitions. That never failed to pull me right back out of the story, like I was reading a college text book on language or something. I would suggest putting the phonetic English equivalent instead, with perhaps a footnote where the definition could be looked up in the glossary after the fact. Most of the words can be figured out by their context in the structure of the story anyway, but the glossary would give readers a dictionary for those they don’t get without forcing it on them.

Finally, I just wanted to mention that I think the author has great skill. I question why he (or she) simply goes by An Indian. I’ve read a lot of books that were dripping in culture like this one, and they all used their author’s real names. For example, Things Fall Apart, one of the best examples of this, was written by Chinua Achebe, not A Nigerian. The author should be proud of their work, and put their name behind it.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Wow. This is a really moving opening. I did not expect to be so moved. I really like the way you start this novel. The actual physical separation of the husband and wife who can only see one another through binoculars is really powerful and unusual. I liked the first chapter a lot and I hope to read more when I can.

I wish you luck with this,

- Rena

India Was One.
You asked me to read your book, so here goes. I'm not sure about the title. My first reaction was India was one - what? Reading the pitches, I now see what you mean. The cover is clever.

Ch.1. I make notes as I write, but dont pretend to be an expert.
All this mention of 'the man' ..... wouldnt it be better to give him a name? It would be easier for the reader to identify with him. As I read on, the poignancy of the scene is overwhelming, and I realise 'the man' is not that important after all.

Ch.2. You dont need to include the Indian words in an English book - just their meanings.
You stray into her viewpoint momentarily on several occasions: 'Her friends had warned her about the no-good, sleezy characters...'
It is disconcerting for the reader when the viewpoint switches too often.
The banter among the friends and the nuances of Indian tradition conveys a charming sense of authenticity, but you spoil the flow with insertions of explanation and information. It might be better to get your very interesting information across to the reader through dialogue or authorial narrative sections, which dont so obviously read like text book notes.
I wonder what happened at the end of their train journey.
This chapter is turning into descriptive episodes, but with little advancement of the plot.

I have never been to India, but I have had Indian friends in Kenya, and been to their homes. Your story reminds me of the culture, and the little ways I had forgotten.

You have an easy style, and some poetic descriptions. You need to do quite a bit of editing, and I hope you dont mind my comments. I have written them because I think you have a good story in the making. And we all need to edit and re-edit.
My book has taken me several years to get to its present stage.
Good luck with this. It will be hard work, but worth it.

Jane. (Breath of Africa).

I have read all the chapters posted and leaving behind some problems with presentation, I sense an intriguing story in the making. An excellent hook at the end of the first chpt. too.
Having now read several books written by Indian writers, I find they share an ability to write in a gentle, almost poetic way which is a pleasure to read and this book is no exception.
The continent itself offers a fascinating backcloth of culture and diversity which is interesting to me as a reader and partition etc often adds scope to the subject matter. I'm happy to shelve this and star it on the way. Margaret.

India Was One:

This looks like it might develop into a really interesting story. Unfortunately, I lose interest fast as I am hit with, what seem like glaring distractions. I hope that you don't mind me throwing in my two bits worth. Here goes:

India Was One

If you would like some crits on this story:

1. Watch your formatting and font sizes. There seeems to be a problem with
consistency.

2. "Foreign" language: Choose either the foreign characters or the phonetic equivalent but not both.
As an English-speaking reader, my preference would be the phonetic equivalent, as I can relate to those
better. But in no case would I recommend using both at once. It distracts me as a reader and breaks the flow.


Otherwise, here are some "nits" from the first page:

"The man hurried ..." The word "The" in this instance creates a distraction for me, because no man has been
mentioned. The word "The" at the beginning implies that you have talked about this man already and that I
already know about him, that I know what man you are talking about. I am not saying it isn't done by some authors.
I just don't like it. I think it is trying to sound precise without really being precise. Instead, you might say, "A man hurried."
This is more appropriate because you are now introducing a character. I don't know who he is and I am not expected to know, yet.

"The tall trees swayed,"
Eliminate "the" as follows: Tall trees swaye.
Reason: You have not alluded to any trees an the word "the" assumes that we are already aware of the trees.

Also, "The long shadows ... danced."
Same thing. Eliminate "The," for the same reason as above.

"Suddenly the jungle disappeared." Oh, really? What happened, did it become invisible? Unless this is a fantasy
story with disappearing forests, I would change this to some thing like, "The forest gave way to an open area."
Eliminate the word disappeared unless you mean that literally.

Now, when it comes down to "The man with the lantern hurried," that's fine to use "The man" because now I know who you are talking
about, as he has been introduced in the first sentence. So I think, "Oh, THAT man. I remember him!"

I hope that these comments are helpful. Your topic is of interest to me (and would be to anyone who is interested in things foreign, foreign nations, foreign cultures etc.) .I also appreciate that you seem to have direct knowledge of the topic. Work on getting the nits out, and I would like to see what you have done several months from now.

hiya, I really enjoyed reading this. Having read one chapter I had to come back for more. The characters were so well described that I felt that I was getting to know them. It really feels as if you've given us an insight into life in India.
Gill

Hi IWO,

I love how you immerse your readers in the language and culture, while leading them through your narrative. The dialogue is well-written and believable. I (personally) liked reading the native language and translation. However, (from the editorial perspective) the bilingual narrative is disruptive to the flow and may turn off some readers. Just something to consider. Well done and best of luck!

Deb

I have read your uploaded chapters. Ivfound it very interesting how you explained about the different areas and language. Most people in the western culture know of Indian food (not just takeaways). I have Indian friends so the food you were describing I have made and have eaten. I do not know if this would be relevant. A good start to your story and I am eagerly anticipating their wedding.

I love stories set in India having lived in both North and South India. My novel is also set in India around the time of the partition.The premise of your story is a good one and I can picture the scenes in my mind - so I have an advantage...
I would like to suggest two thngs - if you are writing for a western market please consider removing the hindi font - it makes the flow a bit cumbersome. Also when you reply to those who have left comments, send them a message. Very few who comment, possibly none, will return to see your response. Most people leave comments and then move on. A message will be more helpful. Best to you with your work.
jennifer

Interesting story of love seperated by borders. I would like to read more to see how it develops.
Rich McStay
Partners

thx

Interesting story of love seperated by borders. I would like to read more to see how it develops.
Rich McStay
Partners

I am hooked by the idea of further division of India being an Indian. This must be seen in the light of the fact that religion of north and south India is same, but the customs and other identities of both are more different that those of two countries. Its a great plot and fertile land to grow a great fiction. I rated it highly and kept in my WL. Soon, I will read and comment further.

thank you very much

thank you very much

I am hooked by the idea of further division of India being an Indian. This must be seen in the light of the fact that religion of north and south India is same, but the customs and other identities of both are more different that those of two countries. Its a great plot and fertile land to grow a great fiction. I rated it highly and kept in my WL. Soon, I will read and comment further.

I'm not so sure about this education thing you've got going here, IWO. Are your purposes to entertain or didactic? I quite liked the story but began to wonder whether we needed the translated Hindi and the frequent font changes, both of which become annoying and spoil the flow.
Not one for me, but I wish you well.
KInd regards
TFJ

thank you for your comments. too bad it's not for you.

I'm not so sure about this education thing you've got going here, IWO. Are your purposes to entertain or didactic? I quite liked the story but began to wonder whether we needed the translated Hindi and the frequent font changes, both of which become annoying and spoil the flow.
Not one for me, but I wish you well.
KInd regards
TFJ

this is a fascinating story on a fascinating subject about a fascinating country. you write with great skill and care, making this an excellent book- on my watchlist;- 6 stars******
read SEASONS...

thank you so much

this is a fascinating story on a fascinating subject about a fascinating country. you write with great skill and care, making this an excellent book- on my watchlist;- 6 stars******
read SEASONS...

A very different kind of story for me, but i really enjoyed the two chapters i read. The only comment i have is that maybe chapters can be a bit shorter?
Good work!
Maria
Dark of the Moon

thank you for the feedback

A very different kind of story for me, but i really enjoyed the two chapters i read. The only comment i have is that maybe chapters can be a bit shorter?
Good work!
Maria
Dark of the Moon

great description, drew me right in.

warren cook
fertile ashes

thank you very much. If you want to read more, email me at author@indiawasone.com

great description, drew me right in.

warren cook
fertile ashes

This is off to a very good start. Loved the imagery--quite vivid. The Indian alphabet, with the translations in both English and Indian somewhat slowed down my reading. However, once I caught on to your pattern, it was okay.

Suggestion: 'Were' was used a lot. For example, this was lifted from the 1sr paragraph of chapter 2--
From where they were siting (from where they sat)
A few students were walking hurriedly (A few students walked hurriedly)
Some were wearing hooded jackets (Some wore hooded jackets)
Others were holding newspapers (Others held newspapers)

These are merely suggestions for your consideration. All in all, your novel is quite interesting.

Thank you so much for your suggestions.

This is off to a very good start. Loved the imagery--quite vivid. The Indian alphabet, with the translations in both English and Indian somewhat slowed down my reading. However, once I caught on to your pattern, it was okay.

Suggestion: 'Were' was used a lot. For example, this was lifted from the 1sr paragraph of chapter 2--
From where they were siting (from where they sat)
A few students were walking hurriedly (A few students walked hurriedly)
Some were wearing hooded jackets (Some wore hooded jackets)
Others were holding newspapers (Others held newspapers)

These are merely suggestions for your consideration. All in all, your novel is quite interesting.

Thank you very much. Unfortunately, Authonomy doesn't display the artwork of the book. But you can see it here (http://www.indiawasone.com/General/InsideArt.aspx)

Very visual with a good mix of description and dialog. Well written, and comes across as plausible. Some of the writing could be tighter, while some descriptions could be more specific with elaboration. I like 'India Was One'.

Thank you, Kenneth

IWO,
What better way to illustrate the breakup of a country than to focus on the dilemma faced by a husband and wife trapped on either side of the divide. Jai and his wife Kaahi are vicitms of circumstance, only their love for each other sustaining them through their extraordinary hardship. Your narrative is clearly descriptive, your dialogue uncluttered, laying the solid foundation for a good read. Thank you for your brilliant work, both entertaining and informative.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

:)

Its like an a romeo and juliet story.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start. A sympathetic main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'The silhouette was not a man; it was just a 6 foot tall tree.' Spell out numbers 1-99
2) "Come here," he beckoned to Jai. Period after 'here' and capitalize 'he.' Same thing with "1000 Rupees pliss (please)," he grinned. Period after 'please' and capitalize 'he.' The only time the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated by a comma is when the dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag (tells who said something). Since you can't 'beckon' or 'grin' dialogue, neither of these sentences are dialogue tags. As a result, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a period and the first word in the sentence following the dialogue is capitalized.
3) Excellent end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a spectacular day.

Al

Thank you so much for this. If you want, I can send you a coupon code for my book. Just email me at author@indiawasone.com.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start. A sympathetic main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'The silhouette was not a man; it was just a 6 foot tall tree.' Spell out numbers 1-99
2) "Come here," he beckoned to Jai. Period after 'here' and capitalize 'he.' Same thing with "1000 Rupees pliss (please)," he grinned. Period after 'please' and capitalize 'he.' The only time the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated by a comma is when the dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag (tells who said something). Since you can't 'beckon' or 'grin' dialogue, neither of these sentences are dialogue tags. As a result, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a period and the first word in the sentence following the dialogue is capitalized.
3) Excellent end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a spectacular day.

Al

Thank you very much. You can read the reviews on Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1450543332) or Smashwords (http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/50497). You can view the books artwork by visiting - http://www.indiawasone.com/General/InsideArt.aspx

I see you've worked out the locked for editing problem! =D

I'll take a look at your book soon.