Better Angels

Hey Geoff,
I like the structure,
I like the characters,
I like the dialogues,
I like the tight writing,
I like the pace.
In short, I like it!
One thing I'd think about: Mine used to have a prologue and plenty of people, although they liked it, said get rid. At the time my book was hanging around in the fifties and sixties. Eventually I experimented, and incorporated the info from the prologue into later chapters, and that's when I started getting the backers. I've still got that prologue on my pc. of course! Just my opinion but you might want to try it out.
Hope you get to have a look at Doubts sometime.
Cheers,
Simon

Prologue was fine with me! And chapter 1 was pretty damn good too. Great tension and menace. In fact the only thing that jarred with me was the name - Nikki to me is indisputably a girl's name. Spelt as Nicky, I could just about cope with (although still a bit feminine - Nick woud be even better), but that specific spelling is a girl.

Very well written and deserves a backing.

Nice build of tension. Lean and mean. Nothing is wasted here, and all of it moves the story forward. Nikki's thought line reminds me of all the smart assed dicks that spun from the Chandleristic noir tales, from out of the gritty night and the cheap underbelly of crime.

Best of all, this one is tight, and it remains slick.

Well done...

I liked the realism. I've bookshelved your book.
Thanks!
Emilie

I am backing just a few books and keeping them on a while. This is one. Near the knuckle with high tension. Lara
A RELATIVE LOSS

mm Geoff, I like this greatly. Its so visceral and visual, screams 'film' and that to me is a good thing - fresh, raw, vivid. I'm dancing about over whether Nicky is to be rooted for or not - but that is what keeps me wanting to read. Still trying to work out who the protagonist is. It's post-Chandler, confident and experienced, this voice. Tells me things I don't know and wouldn't want to see in real life. Some of your turns of phrase made me smile in twisted pleasure -
'watched the patch of darkness that he knew Stanis occupied' and 'hanging on a meat hook somewhere watching his life making a red puddle beneath him' - were just two of the many moments I particularly enjoyed. I have every confidence that this will get to a larger audience, and I hope it will be soon.
A few hiccups: your font is not easy to read. Some typos: tempermental - temperamental; flourescents - fluorescents; solider = soldier; 'this dark of a mood' - a mood this dark? this dark a mood? But these are small niggles. Highly starred - Frances K

I read the first part of this book and I really got into it. Your characters and dialogue along with a tight writing style all lend to the gritty realism of this story.

Best Wishes,

Roy Earle, "Bad Men and Bad Odds"

Hi Geoffrey

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Nice job on this - tight writing, good dialogue which deepens characterisation effectively. Some top lines, "lingering over the intervening distance like it was the body of his favourite mistress" - nice.
I def get the nod to Chandler and found it believable and entertaining. No big crits re style - it sits nicely in the genre it's pitched for
Suggestions-
"He heard and sort of felt the asphalt change to gravel" - personally I would ditch the "sort of" I feel the sentence is stronger without it.
"He was terrified to make any move, even one requested in case it turned out to be the wrong interpretation" This felt a bit clunky to me - perhaps "...even one requested, in fear it may be misinterpreted" would scan better?
"Nicky fought the impulse to scream as well as the impulse claw at" this sentence is missing a "to" i.e. "to claw at"
Not much I know but every little helps and its a well manicured MS. Well done . Starred and on my w/l I'll find some shelf space for it as soon as I can.
Good job.
Derek

I don't usually like this kind of novel but I can make an exception here. Better Angels is a truly dark, gritty novel. The language was authentic and I found chapter 1 built up the tension superbly. I liked the way it wasn't until near the end of the chapter that you finally find out exactly what form Nikolai's torture is going to take. The only criticism I would make is the block marks where the speech marks should be. It was a bit distracting. Fabulous work. Well done! If you get chance to take a peek at my novel Pain it would be much appreciated.

Kim

BETTER ANGELS
Geoffrey Thorne
Hullo Geoff. There is one thing I know about breaking the law is that once you step across the dotted line you cannot step back. You can no longer trust anything or anybody and you had better watch your back esp. the people you work for. Great story! Starred and shelved ASAP. Please take a look at mine, a criminal in a different way. LLL

One little thing though: in the dialogue, there are little line block things? What are they meant to be or are they an error?

Anyway, well done!
(:

no, they are there to denote longer time breaks or shifts of POV. I stopped using them later in the book so the MS that goes out to editors doesn't have them. But thanks for the kind words. I never set out to write a book one can just toss away even if it seems like it's just one more in the genre. I hope you had fun with what you read.

My son's asked me to back your book and help it get back up to its old spot. Just popping in to let you know that. :) Good luck!

Good show, sir. Good show.

When I want to criticize someone, I damn well do it, and I take my time making it very specific. I don't want to criticize you because I don't need to criticize you. You had me reading every word (when I usually speedread instead), chuckling at the dialogue in a morbid sort of way, and generally nodding along. It also reminded me of Sin City to some degree, and that's awesome.

The only thing I possibly worry about is that it's a particularly adult book, which might make it more difficult to market to a large demographic. That is, of course, less a criticism and more an observation.

I've been switching out my shelf the past few days with new titles, and I do believe you're getting one of the spots. I saw only two glaring typos (one was a comma at the end of a sentence, and the other was an underscore somewhere for some odd reason), so you can go ahead and fix those... But nevertheless, you get six stars from me. Cheers!

-Grant Amadeus

Hey!

From the blurb, I was expecting something really fast paced and heart-stopping.
Instead, I read a slow, descriptive, well-done book.

Your dialogue is realistic, your writing is brilliant.

One little thing though: in the dialogue, there are little line block things? What are they meant to be or are they an error?

Anyway, well done!
(:

I got something of a wrong impression from the blurb: I was expecting something a bit more upbeat.

Reading on though, I find a skilfully written and very dark tale of drugs and torture. Nice. Great characterizations, primarily through the dialogue. I'd suggest maybe a little less internal dialogue from Nicky, but that's just personal preference, rather than a technical observation.

This is also a very clean mss, with virtually no typos etc. The font, interestingly, suits the story, reminiscent as it is of an old-fashioned typewriter. I have no technical critique to offer; this is good stuff. It needs a little polishing to bring out the shine, but how many books here or indeed in the bookshops couldn't benefit from that?

thanks for the actual critique. Rarely do people actually delve. I will modify the liquor thing (i don't drink so it was an easy error. fixable.)

as for the stuff about the water, I've lived in coastal cities all my life and you can definitely smell the water in the air when you're close to a large open body of it. Salt or Fresh.

the bitch line also stays. i'm not sure if you're American or not, but trust me, in this context, a guy could and would say that about himself.

Again, thanks for the read and the REAL critique.

Does Bourbon work for you?

Loved the opening line., then you lost me. Not too important as I came back again. Why?

With the stench of imported vodka.

Vodka is the only alcohol which has no smell, primary or secondary, as in when you drink it and after you drink it.

Maybe it's irrelevant nit-picking, but nobody in his situation would have thought “burlap” - they'd have thought sack or sacking. Burlap spoilt the tension of the moment.

The “he thought” was nothing more than an interruption to his thoughts, already expressed in italics. It wasn't needed.

Water doesn't smell unless there's something wrong with it – how did the water smell? It had to smell pretty bad to be distinguishable over the exhaust fumes


To his own chagrin? He started to sweat – on its own was perfect. The rest took me out of Nick's pov.

So did this. What a little bitch? It was difficult to imagine any man, unless he was gay, thinking of himself as a bitch. Twat or bastard would have fitted the space much better. (If you're reading this and don't like x-rated – tough) Life might be, but men never are.

Did enjoy the play on Greek history about the killer with a bulls head which lived in a tunnel. Very nicely done.

The start to chapter two was an absolute delight. A rolly bowl of lard! Brilliant! And the reason I read on.

Yes, your story needs some edits, but what the hell, don't we all. Your characters are great and the storyline is good. Excellent write and even though I might critic, it's a good story and one I'll carry on reading.

Good luck and I hope you make it to the top this time round.

Hello , I knew that this was tough stuff when you wrote , 'There are worse things than a bullet in the face ,' like what - a starving Cro- Magnon lizard in the face ? but you do lay down your credentials with that one. The whole thing has the kind of intensity one associates with James Ellroy , though his milieu , references and historical context is , of course , completely different . I don't know if you are an admirer of Ellroy. In your personal statement you've set fairly strict criteria , so is it OK for me to ask you to look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century ? with best wishes , Strachan Gordon.Watchlisted

Okay, this wasn't quite what I expected, but was never the less worth the read, at least as far as I can tell from what I've read.

The character of Nicky is really good, a well rounded and believable character. The book itself is reasonably good, although I found the premise a little predicible at times - big job planned, meant to be easy, goes horrible wrong, trouble ensues. I've not read all of it, so I don't know how it ends, but that was the impression I got. Despite this it was an enjoyable read, and quite funny in parts.

This is an adrenaline-pumping, hard-hitting read, yet there is wit and some beautiful descriptive phrases.

You use humour with great skill - sometimes it provides relief and sometimes it has that uncomfortable feeling of incongruence - and yet it doesn't break the fast pace of the story. Not an easy thing to achieve.

It is very cinematic - I'm no expert but I had the feeling that this could easily become a screenplay.

I'm up to C.8 and will read on. I'm not really in a position to give you any constructive crit, and so far there is nothing glaring at me. When I've finished reading I'll update my comment.

I didn't understand 'prenaybors' in C.6 - maybe it does need an explaining??

Forgot to say - I really like the cover.

Ah, Reggie! Now I'm going to have to go back and figure how I missed that! More compelling with each chapter. Really like the way you've split the action with snippets of Max's history - and his opinions on sitcoms.

Layla is a surprisingly likeable and sympathetic character. Max is complex and mysterious and I wanted to find out more about him. If you had posted more I would have carried on reading.

I like how the characters are introduced, particularly the Bruno chapter, and the building tension of their intertwining stories.

Typo - end of C.11 - Nicky (Nikki).

Best Wishes,
Maisie

Hey Geoffrey,
this is good. Really good. I usually just back without commenting these days. I only back when I find something which deserves it. However Better Angels is worth a comment.
My only suggestion is for the beginning. Personally I prefer a straightforward start such as....
'the fists hammering down on him...'
'the stench of vodka mixing with the aroma of Cuban cigars.'
'the feel of the burlap...'
Scott.

I do like this. Modern noir - reminds me of William Hjortsberg, without the supernatural element. Definitely shelving this.

Happy to put this on my shelf! Really liked the first chapter. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck.
Sue50

Nice. You have followed the first rule of fiction very well - run your hero up a tree and then throw rocks at him. I did Chapter 1, which is enough to know you've got a nice style here. I'll be back for more, time permitting.
Luck!

Just read the first chapter. I thought that there was too much swearing for my liking but to be fair it felt authentic for the characters in that situation. Very readable. I'll try to read some more before deciding if I will back the book or not.
Paul

Geoff, I saw your thread today, and thought I'd have a look at the "offending" material. I've just read chapter one, and I feel it is fine. Of course there is some street language, but it is all in context of the characters and setting. And it works. Your characters work, and they appear quite real. I can feel the action you write. The dialogue matches the personalities that you have created, and makes your style and story quite authentic. You seem to have a very easy and effortless style, which makes it easy to read and appreciate.

I have put it on my WL and will read some more.

Best of Luck with this.
Marilyn

Hi Geoff-Like your story. You have a very professional way of describing things. Like all the similes and metaphors; they work very well with setting the tone. Your plot has kind of a Goodfellas feel to it. Well done.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and 33

Terrific intro-hope you use this for your query. Backed and look forward to reading.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and 33

Geoff,

This book belongs on the ED. Nicky’s thoughts, actions and perceptions make him an extremely believable career criminal character.
The fast pace, clever prose, dark atmosphere and the menacing feel make “Better Angels” very engaging story. You are backed with pleasure!

Jaen Wirefly
Glimmers

Hey Geoff. the dialoge here is really snappy. i like that u get inside Nicky's head and something thats often overlooked by writers is the 'audio' track to their stories. I think uv done this well and it adds to the movie feel overall. Best of luck! backing to follow....

I like the premise so I've added it to my watchlist. Will comment more when I've read more.

Clive

This is one of the better ones I've read. Thanks for the opportunity. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted

Shame about the font and the formatting because this is powerful 'Lajos Egri' type stuff.
Beautifully shaped and crafted, the pace just right and the dialogue very well done - the accents come through nicely without the tedious malalignment we so often see in ethnic dialogue.
Backed with pleasure.

Hey up, tough guy. I had a read of your story some 72 days ago. Come on, arm wrestle you bastard!

Just finished Ch2. For me it lacks pace but I have to say it is well written and the dialogue is good. I feel like I am embarking on a a long journey where it will always be a 2AM, gritty, dark, and wet.

Started strong, drifted for a bit then finished great. I'm buying chapter 1. You're on my shelf and I'll be reading chapter 2 tomorrow. Good stuff

I read the prologue and liked the idea. Great idea for a story and you've captured the character well.

You could use further tightening to improve the writing. An excessive use of 'was' & 'were' sentence structures always puts me off. That's what we're here for--to improve our writing.

Nits:
"Oh shit," [he thought.] He thought isn't necessary. You've already used italics. The reader gets the picture. This type of filter slows the reading.
[There was a noise of] ditto. Just go with: Keys ground in the lock...
Strange squares litter the script. You might need to fix that.

I'll back your book in the assurance that you'll do further editing.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

Hi,

I read your work, finishing it today. I won't say much except this -I enjoyed it. At last, something written designed to be read, and not an indulgence. Dispassionate, efficient, and as such, a well written work. When I read it, I didnn't think of the author - you did not interfere, which is such blessed change. My hat is off to you. I've backed it, and starred it.

Good luck,

Kenny Hill

Geoffrey, Just read Chapter 1; NIKKI. Here are my observations:

Nice opening move to have each sentence a paragraph. It emphasized the terror.
At first, I was disappointed that there was so much narrative at the beginning, but it wasn't long and drawn out; and it certainly wasn't passive.

The move from narrative to dialogue was seamless. Thank you for not trying to write in Russian dialogue. Unless you're really knowledgeable about it, you could have really messed up the scene. You injected just enough to let the reader imagine the sounds. You differentiated well among the three characters.

You built great tension without going overboard and left the chapter with a terrific hook.

In short, looks like you did everything right. Well done.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Only read the first chapter so far and can't fault it. Truly engaging and looking forward to reading more.
Mark

Not that you need anyone to point out the obvious, but here goes: really great.

Wonderful hook start, the mere mention of burlap now gives me the heebie-jeebies, and the follow-up when we discover that Nikki is less than pure himself and not terribly bright, comes as no suprise. Layla is a sympathetic character, as is Max, and of course, we all want to know What Happens. The dialogue is very clever, the writing is fluent, I think you picked a very good moment to enter the story, and the pace is brilliant. Watchlisted and to be shelved the minute there is a spot. Jaye

Geoff

Read your pitch and chapter one. Good pacy writing. I enjoyed what I read. You should do well with the book. It has my backing and will be on my shelf for a spell.

Senyah Nala

I remember reading the gritty opeing Ch of your story about three months back. I read all kinds of stuff here ... and am even reading GREAT EXPECTATIONS with my son for an exam. But there is only so much 'polite' reading a guy can deal with. Don't get me wrong, I love much of the pretty and sensitive stuff I read here. But every so often... I loved THE TUZLA RUN a thriller about an aide convoy in Bosnia. The author got his story into the top ten here but then he sort of blew up and quit the greasy pole. Just before Christmas I read an Italian crism story in two days BANDIT LOVE. Today I came back for another bite of your because I just needed to read about men being mean. Hmmm, even the word me-a-n is men with an alhpa dog A in it. You crank up the menace really well and I felt it. Really liked, 'But I am your friend, Nikolai. I will teach you. I will teach you about pain.' This bit is even better, 'This is my gift to you, Nikolai.' I didn't have to think too much when I was reading. I was in the room feeling how it was. And at the end I was thinking 'HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO GET STANIS GEAR BACK!?!' I will be back for more when I need an escape from pretty pretty stuff.

BACKED because of the damn grit. I cld never write like that.

p.s. cld you pls take a look at my lover Orlando Furioso's WATCHING SWIFTS he is my oyster.

Better Angels, A Gray Harbor Novel

Cover: Good. professional.

Title: Better Angels - to me reads a little limp but possibly the text will lend good reasoning

Short Pitch: Solid...straightforward...not really something that would grab me as a reader but it has the appearance of professional/aimed at target audience.

Long Pitch: The “and one of those characters is a place” reads a little meh...extra seasoning on that might help. Nikki is a guys name? Looks like a feminine form to me.
I think the LP is good, again reads professional, but again I have to say, on a whole, a tad bland.

Text: Might remove “just” from “just barely a city” I used to read a ton of comics...every now and then I stop in a shop... this has a flavor of good Dark Knight prestige books. Nice. Not lovin the use of implacable at the start of Nikki. ...and smelled, he thought, the hint of salt water. “, he thought,” feels unnecessary. Stepnatz or Petsnits - heh, nice.

The use of the boxed mouth guard...nice.

This third reads the most interesting...to me. Good stuff.

So my thoughts of the 3 that I’ve read...I don’t know Geoff, it's not normally something I’d pick up and as I read it, although I think well written, I sort feel like...as a thriller - I’m a little bored, there are parts I dig but not enough to want to keep reading...if this were a graphic novel, I’d look to see who published it and would expect to find some unknown publisher. Damn, that reads harsh and I apologize and have no real advice (as if you need mine) The book doesn’t come off as Literary Fiction but I tagged Bulb with LitFic and I doubt it’s LitFic either.
In any case, best of luck with your work. -=B

This feels real and it took me out of my life whilst I read it. Six stars and a place on my shelf.

This story reminds me a lot about growing up. Only most people didn't get out. Kind of book keeps me on the page, never bored. You are always on point. I guess when picking things on this web I think if it's a good movie idea. I say yes to this one but now I see why the wife says books can give more than movies.

Backed. Really pulled me in from the first line. Good luck. Saffina.

http://saffina.desforges.wordpress.com

This is good, gritty stuff. I said when I first read this that you could lose the prologue without impacting the novel. And I say it still.

Geoff:

I didn’t care for the prologue at all; the voice, to me, was significantly different than the opening chapter, making me wonder, in retrospect, who was telling me these things about Gray Harbor. I can see why you may have felt it necessary, but the omniscient quality to the voice put me off. As soon as I started reading Ch. 2, I thought, “Start the book here.” It has great pace, and the spare language is really appealing—a style you maintain throughout (at least throughout the six chapters I read).

You have a good ear for dialogue, and the exchanges between characters seem real. The plot is well structured, and, coupled with the confident, economic language, advances the story seamlessly. If I picked this up in a bookstore and read Chs. 2 and 3, I would buy the book.

Rob

Smoothly and grittilly written. The text flows efficiently and professionally and I like the use of distinctive imagery. The torturing of Nikki had me breaking out in a cold sweat.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON