A Beautiful Knowing

I'm addicted to your narrative. I salute your amazing writing

Hi Kay, I love the really powerful opening; Milly dealing with a drunken and abusive stepfather. She's a gutsy character who isn't scared to stand up to him and for that we are all rooting for her. I love the idea that her mother wrote her the letters for her birthday and I'm definitely hooked into the book. The narrative is excellent, dialogue is authentic and already there is a cast of characters who provide a whole host of opportunity to propel the plot along. It still needs a bit of editing. I noticed some typos 'tabled' instead of 'table', 'sacred' instead of 'scared' but these are all very minor things that are easily sorted out. Goodness knows I'm still finding them in my own work. Really well done and I hope it does well for you. Highly starred and on my watchlist for future backing.

Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

A BEAUTIFUL KNOWING
This is a good story. You have a good main character in Milly; she’s feisty because of the way she opposes Jonah and sympathetic because of his actions. I like the way the mood in the first chapter changes as soon as the mother comes in the door. That’s good writing to be able to change the tone of a story so completely in just a few sentences. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

There is a wonderful story here, lucky you!

You have a basket of talents that really allow me to enjoy what i am reading: superb writing, sympathetic characterisation and gripping narrative. The way you write just grabs the reader and holds on.

You don't need the prologue, imvho, and you could break the narrative into more chapters, but apart from that, and a little editing, you have a gem of a story here. Well done!

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

I'm addicted to your narrative. I salute your amazing writing

Hi Kay,
here for our reading swap.
The title is wonderful and so is the short pitch.
I read Chp1 and was very impressed by the emotional intensity of your writing. There are a few nits, but generally you've got all the right stuff right!
The plot looks intriguing and you start with a scene full of tension and suspense. You paint very sensitively the complexities of life with an abusive parent.
5 stars from me.
All the best,
Sharda.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

{A Beautiful Knowing}

Kariana,

I liked the way you set us up for your book with your pitches and the questions posed there. That's a great lead-in to the book and has me intrigued as I read on. I also love the poem you began with! It gives your work a nice, unique taste from the outset and really sets it about from others. As I read on I am grabbed by your story and dialogue as well! Wonderfully written! I've gladly given you high stars and will return soon for more of {A Beautiful Knowing!}

Have a fantastic day and thank you again for backing The Ark of Humanity as it nears the Top 5!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

First of all, not really my preferred kind of book, but your opening was great and grabbed my attention straight away.
You developed the character of Milly very well and you created a great feeling of empathy towards her.
I like the way you have addressed very real issues in a young person's life.
Your writing flows beautifully (though there were a couple of typos I noticed) and I found it very easy to read.
Great stuff!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Hi Kay, I love the really powerful opening; Milly dealing with a drunken and abusive stepfather. She's a gutsy character who isn't scared to stand up to him and for that we are all rooting for her. I love the idea that her mother wrote her the letters for her birthday and I'm definitely hooked into the book. The narrative is excellent, dialogue is authentic and already there is a cast of characters who provide a whole host of opportunity to propel the plot along. It still needs a bit of editing. I noticed some typos 'tabled' instead of 'table', 'sacred' instead of 'scared' but these are all very minor things that are easily sorted out. Goodness knows I'm still finding them in my own work. Really well done and I hope it does well for you. Highly starred and on my watchlist for future backing.

Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

I raelly liked it, even though it is not my usual reading. I have starred and put it on my WL.
Brian.

A BEAUTIFUL KNOWING
This is a good story. You have a good main character in Milly; she’s feisty because of the way she opposes Jonah and sympathetic because of his actions. I like the way the mood in the first chapter changes as soon as the mother comes in the door. That’s good writing to be able to change the tone of a story so completely in just a few sentences. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

There is a wonderful story here, lucky you!

You have a basket of talents that really allow me to enjoy what i am reading: superb writing, sympathetic characterisation and gripping narrative. The way you write just grabs the reader and holds on.

You don't need the prologue, imvho, and you could break the narrative into more chapters, but apart from that, and a little editing, you have a gem of a story here. Well done!

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Hey Kariana

Apologies for the delay!

Great read this. Really like your pitch - way to get your characters background in before you've even started!

The intro was good, though I wasn't so taken with the prologue. I liked the viewpoint from little Milly. She's a very sympathetic character, despite being the 'school slut'. Probably because we already know there's more to her from your pitch. Charlie is equally likeable - very alpha male and I like that he's acting as her protector.

On the whole, a great read that I think will be popular with the YA audience. Nitpicks? A few. For me, you have way too many exclamation marks. They're more or less frowned upon since you should be able to get your point across through dialogue and description alone, and I think you do that. The exclamation marks make it seem a bit amateur to me so my advice would be to cut them. Dialogue tags, generally, sticking to said/replied etc is considered best. Things like retorted don't really add anything as we can guess from the speech and situation. Chapter 2 - when Milly is getting ready for school, you say Jonah grabs her under the armpit and you describe her skin as calloused - this felt a bit weird for me. Calloused arms? Also, couldn't understand why she's opt for short shorts if she has bruises all over her legs, though I did like your description of them. Finally, Charlie's rusty backback - did you mean rust coloured? Cos I was thinking rust like...rust on steel lol.

Nitpicks aside, I really enjoyed this. Starrred and will be backed when I can do so!

Silva
x

This is a wonderful story. I feel your strength lies in your dialogue, it feels so real! I found this to be one of those books you get emotionally invested in from an early point. The characters latch on right away. I think you can tighten it up some with a good edit but it's not anything that detracts from the actual story. You protray something that happens to many children and there's an important lesson in here. Good luck with it.

I'll star it for now and come back to back as soon as I can.
Missy

Hello Kariana--

book -- Stay with me --

liked your pitch as i read it, all of those why's is a statement, that say. it a must read, well for the curious;
read all four chapter posted
Got hooked right from the start as the child hides in the closet with the fear of her step,dad shouting .
This story of yours about the bullying and abuse is indeed shocking; in fact it all reads so true, that my feelings
went out to Emily as i turned the pages.
The premise of what's to come is intriguing and worth waiting for.
I can see how this book will be read by many young adults.
The dialogue is very good and they will relate to this type of stuff';
Oh . Liked the cover by the way, as i did you book..
good luck with it
tom bye
from hugs to kisses.
Fair amount of abuse in mine as well , try chapter 32 and 28 and oblige please thanks

Hi, Kariana, I like YA books so I gave yours a look today.
I think the first paragraph of your pitch is a bit choppy. Perhaps a longer sentence would flow better?
In chapter 1, I think the dialog can reveal more of the information that you narrate. When the characters say these things, it’ll be that much more powerful.
Top of chapter two….”…she pealed herself from the bed…” you want peeled.
In chapter two, Milly studies some bruises that I think should be covered up as she’s gotten dressed.
Vise-versa is spelled vice-versa
Like the rivalry between Charlie and Dalton; on first look Dalton is a miniature Jonah.
Milly almost rolled over laughing in her chair…..isn’t she in the car at this point?

I'm very curious about what happened last year, and about whether or not Charlie and Milly will realize they're in love (=:

~Audrey
Forgiveness Fits

i like the how different your characters are. i like how you have a lot of dialogue- i can hear everything in my head perfectly. i like the mystery of millys character and how charlie and her have chemistry. i think your book could use an edit and a bit more description though.
p.s. itd be really appreciated if you could take a look at my book if you have a chance :P
good luck with this,
melissa

Compliments

I really liked the way you capture this from a child's perspective from the opening lines. It's a really powerful scene and one the reader can identify with immediately. You capture very well Jonah's anger and Elaine's comfort. I particularly liked the scene from the top of the stairs; again, this is something which almost every reader will immediately identify with.

You also capture Jonah very well, from his promises to stop drinking which the reader immediately knows will be broken as you've set Jonah's character very firmly in the readers mind using only a few words - really great writing.

I'm not a huge fan of dialogue, but you do this really, really well. The conversation flows naturally and clearly sets the relationship between the main characters.

The rest of the chapter flows beautifully and the scene at the grave and the gifts her mother gave her had me in tears.

I admire your writing enormously.

Constructive comments

There are a few nits very early on, which is OK; you just need to iron them out.

I loved the start being the words 'I'm sorry' being repeated. It instantly sets the scene of a child being deeply in trouble and seeing as we've all been there, I thought it was very powerful. I wonder if Milly would have chanted in whispered tones, not wanting to be found?

Is her favourite teddy called Lalo or Maxwell (para's one and two)?

You call the space under the stairs a closet and a cabinet in different chapters, better to chose one and stick to it.

I couldn't visualise him as he 'clamoured' further down the wall. Did he drag himself further along the wall towards the stairs?

I also struggled to visualise how Jonah turned Milly's body to hug the broken pieces of glass – I imagined they the pieces of glass would be on the floor, did he turn her body to face the broken glass or did he hold her down onto the floor so her body was pressed onto the broken glass?

At the point where time jumps forward, you need some sort of recognisable break – try spacing a few lines. At first I thought a six year old was swearing as I hadn't picked up that the story had moved into the future (it might just be me!)

After this, I couldn't fault your writing at all, the rest of the chapter flows beautifully.

I wish you every success in you writing.

Annabelle
x

Kariana,
I love the melodrama in the first exchange of dialogue. I could hear the words being spoken in my imagination. This story has great appeal to youthful readers who can identify with the main characters. There is an intense emotional quality to the prose which I like very much. I was very impressed by what I read in your profile about the effect you want to have on your readers. Fiction should provide more than an escape from reality and it's the rare author of fiction who can accomplish this.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Your prologue is very hard hitting and a fantastic way to open, it really sets the tone for the book and lets the reader know what to expect emotionally.

I enjoyed reading this, it would be perfect for a hot chocolate and a douvet. I cannot back you at the moment because my shelf is full but I will leave you on my WL for when the month is over.

One tiny point, in the first chapter, the paragraph "Damn brat...If she wants to break if", should be it, not if I think.

I hope you will be able to take a peek at Beneath The Blossom Tree.

Best wishes,

Laura

Stay With Me has a lot of potential. In the young adult realm, books that are realistic like this one are gaining popularity fast. Author Kariana Anderson states in her profile that this is her first attempt at writing a novel. And for a first attempt, Stay With Me is very good. I bet a lot of authors wish their first book was this good.

The biggest strength of the story is the strong characters. It’s been a while since I was in high school, but reading the descriptions of the characters brought it roaring back. It’s great that we are given the chance to peek behind the curtains to see what is going on with the characters too. In high school, kids are basically their reputations. So someone like Milly is defined as the pretty slut girl and that’s about it. Other kids won’t investigate to find out what she’s really like. Giving her dark secrets is a cool twist because lesser mortals (the nerdy kids) will ignore her because she is out of their league. And those with the same high status generally won’t care. If Stay With Me can teach kids this valuable lesson, that people are more than just their carefully cultivated reputations, it will be a good thing. But in any case, the characters here are quite strong and believable.

The biggest problem with the book, other than some grammatical mistakes that could easily be cleaned up in editing, is a lack of active voice. For Anderson, a good trick is to go through the story and search for words that end in -ly. When they are found, eliminate them or change them. So something like slowly walked becomes tip-toed. That more than anything else will make the language more active and the story flow.

Stay With Me is off to a good start. With a little work it could easily find itself on the shelf alongside other books in the white hot young adult market.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Hi Kariana,
I think you’ve got this off to a good start but agree with some of the below reviewers how this would benefit from being tightened up. I would have a look at the structure of some of your paragraphs to ensure they flow properly rather than jumping around. A main example of this in the first chapter as soon as present day Milly makes her appearance. Firstly, you state that she’s waiting for Charlie to arrive and then move on to mentioning her hair and eyes before suddenly jumping back to “him”. Of course, the reader will know who “he” is, even if they have to go back to the start of the paragraph to check, but it might be more seamless if you got the hair and eyes bit done first then mention Charlie which can lead into the little brother part.
There are a few bits I felt were needlessly repeated, the scar on Milly’s arm for example.
I noticed a few typo and other errors where you have missed a word (“he hated [how] much she wanted to leave”, “you just don’t know them [like] I do”) or have used the wrong one (“I can’t even image [imagine]”, “Dalton’s greasy figures [fingers]”, “There [Their] bodies moved together”, “not caring how dirty her close [clothes] became”).
Also maybe have a look at your apostrophes. A couple of times you have put “theThornton’s were...” where it should be “the Thorntons were…”, “each others’” should be “each other’s” and “my best friends boy friend” should be “my best friend’s boyfriend”.
I think there is potential here, it just needs a good strong edit.
Wishing you every success with this.
Best

LF40 Review for Stay With Me.

Notes:

Outside Jonah screamed her name in the garden. From the garden Jonah screamed her name – might be better.

Slamming her eyes shut – doesn’t sound quite right – scrunching up her eyes, maybe?

With every fiber of her being – this sentence is a little awkward, especially towards the end.

He forced out. You’ll find that he/she said is sufficient in most cases. The sentiment should be conveyed in the dialogue.

You’ll benefit from chopping out a lot of words. It’s all part of the editing process. Look out for any repetition or needless reinforcements. Be clear in what you are trying to say and leave in nothing of excess.

Blood-shot from crying - Red, puffy and raw, maybe, but bloodshot?

‘You promised,’ she responded tensely. Here’s a good example of my previous point. ‘You promised,’ she said, is sufficient in this context.

I like how she compares herself to her mother.

Charlie’s rage flared as his body towered over Jonah‘s wide being. Here’s a good example of where you can tighten your writing. It’s a simple action but it’s confusing. Enraged, Charlie towered over Jonah. Might be better, it’s still not very good, but I think you get the idea.

‘But I’m like fifty feet taller than you are.’ That’s nice and it reflects Charlie’s age.

I like the dialogue between Charlie and Milly.

Bluntly she replied, “Charlie . . .” Don’t start the sentence with bluntly. “Charlie, no,” she said. That’s like a crime against humanity.” - Is much stronger.

The letter is an excellent idea.

I’ll leave this for now Kariana because I think it will be much stronger after you’ve done some editing. Hopefully there’s a few pointers in my notes to get you thinking (I’m an amateur as well so you’ll have to use your own judgement and decide if my opinions are worth anything).

I can see what you’re trying to accomplish and I like how the chapter progresses. It’s a promising start, I’ve no doubt that the story is clear in your mind, and with some hard work you can make it clear in the reader’s mind as well. I’m sure that the other members of LF40 will offer you plenty of encouragement and support.


Kind Regards

Iso Nuys

Hi. I just breezed in for a looksee. I don't usually comment not having read much but I had real trouble with your first line. I had to read it a few times and it still trips me up. Then your formatting seems to have gone awry in paragraph three. Could be a font issue with your original file (although this may not be news). Andy.

Dear Kariana,
Very well written and characters well portrayed. Too bad children don't know to seek help outside the home when they are left with people like Jonah. I believe this is a daily happening in many children's lives, because some step people just have no clue about unconditional love.
Good work, i enjoyed the first two chapters. High rated and put in line for the shelf.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

HI Kariana,
I backed your work because I believe it displays great potential. Regretfully I'm unable to invest more time reading your manuscript I thought your pitch conveyed strength, and ultimately it's one's pitch that attracts a reader.
And of cours I am always happy to back a new author.
Backed with pleasure
Helen

Hm, very entertaining. I almost didn't stop to read, cause I didn't like the pitch, but the story drew me in. It's really well written, and you paint the characters well.... don't like Jonah at all, and all the characters are people I can relate to. I love the letter... Thanks for sharing. Highly rated.
Monicque. x

pitches are hard and i don't think your is as effective as it could be. this is just one opinion, so take it for whatever it's worth.
i don't think you need the first phrase of your short pitch. this isn't the place to tell us about the book's structure and you haven't explained what makes 3rd person unique. i'd trim it to: Stay With Me steps into the shoes of five people connected by one damaged and broken girl.

i've taken the liberty of playing around with your long pitch. feel free to ignore me.

Milly is a high school senior ostracized when her classmates spread rumors that paint her as the "school slut." The worst part is that the rumors are more or less true.

After her mother dies, leaving Milly with her abusive step-father, Milly is haunted by the secrets and regrets of her past. As she comes to terms with the destruction that's been unleashed upon her--and that she, in turn, unleashes upon others--Milly is forced to acknowledge the past and in order to cope with the present.

This is my type of prologue. Short, to-the-point, and powerful. The sentiment in it was an excellent way to start. Now on to chapter 1!

You do an excellent job of building your characters within the opening paragraphs. With very few words, you've shown their character through their actions. Well done. Though I don't usually like when characters "grow up" in one chapter, it works well here since it's her memory. Also, I like the contrast between Emily then and "Milly" now. It's also interesting to see Jonah cower in the face of Charlie.

Suggestions: When using dialogue and indicating the speaker, don't capitalize pronouns (i.e. "he hollered" remains lowercase). In the opening scene, it's hard to figure out whose head we're in. Emily's or Jonah's? Or Elaine's? It caused a little confusion, so I would pick one and stick to it. By picking one, you can focus on giving their thoughts a little more clearly and develop their character. It looks like we're in Emily's mind, so show us only what she sees, thinks, hears, etc. I suggest breaking up some of the paragraphs with dialogue in them so you don't lose any important information. Use paragraph breaks to emphasize info and compel your reader to continue reading. I'd also trim the dialogue and focus more on prose, especially if you're pitching this as literary fiction. Finally, I wonder if there's a stronger place to end the first chapter? Can you give us some sort of hook, cliff-hanger, solid last line to make your reader turn the page?

As a whole this is an intriguing start with authentic, well-developed characters. You show why Milly is the way she is right away, and it's heart breaking to discover what this innocent little girl had to become because of her treatment growing up. It's an all-to-real story that I've seen play out in real life through my students. I think many young adults can relate to this, and as a result, this is a very marketable novel. Good work!

Kariana,
I watched in fascination as Milly grew from furtive child to assertive woman within the first few chapters of your book. "Stay with Me" is a cleverly put together love story with an easy, casual prose that makes reading it a pure joy. Certainly Millie and Charlie are sympathetic characters one can relate to and cheer on even as their paths take them apart. As you upload more chapters here, I'm hoping for closure to their unrequited love.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hey, I read the beginning of your book, I really enjoyed what I read so far. Very thought provoking. I want to continue reading it, I've added it to my WL until I find room on my bookshelf.

I have a book you might find interesting, its called Seven Days, check it out if you have time!

This is a great book for the young adult market as well. I will put this on my shelf for a whirl! Starred too.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Read the first chapter and think it holds promise. The characters are well thought-out, and the writing is engaging. Well done!

Read the first chapter and think it holds promise. The characters are well thought-out, and the writing is engaging. Well done!

this is the only book other than ellory deception where I managed to read more than the first few lines.
Only on page five, where I have stopped due to academic strains, you missed out an e in her on the I think third paragraph.
I don't know, it's strange.
To tell the truth, I was getting tired of the book at some point.I wanted to stop but couldn't.I don't know why. I just want to read on and on till i am done.
I don't think this is for kids, because that explains why I kind of lost it somewhere.
Great dialogues, too delicate to edit. If have to do it, you will have to go through me.
But you have to edit something I don't know what.
Ask Catres to read as well.
Good going, but this is as far as it goes for me.
Good luck
Authonomy new writers scout.