To Fight for a Kingdom

A great work of fantasy with perfect dialogues. The charachters are fascinating and you know very well that how to create suspense and engage readers. The charachters are the strength of your story and well drawn . You know that how to use emotions and imagination. I will be reading more of your book and adding high stars to it.

The book is on my WL and will comment after finishing the read.

Thank you for the feed back and comments. I am editing the book at the moment and will hopefully up date the chapters soon. All comments are well received and it is nice to get a third party response.

Thank you
amanda

The opening chapter is imaginative and emotional. I love the first paragraph, how it is written as an unemotional report of an event. We start reading expecting a loving relationship to unfold starting with an ordinary dinner at the table and are quickly witnesses to an evil murder.

I read the first chapter, and I believe what you need most is to go through and edit for grammatical mistakes/sentence structure. I have some examples from the beginning of this chapter of the kinds of corrections I think you should consider.

~ Spelling mistakes: "She looked stunning from were...." Should be "where."
~ Clarity: "...a painting of each of the couple had pride of place." I'm confused by what this means.
~ Extra unecessary words: "...snorted and pulled on their bits from restlessness." We can assume they are restless by what they are doing. "...imposing bronze palace gates, the bronze having been forged in a swirling design..." This can be cut down, and I don't think the gates are "imposing," maybe "opposing?" Fix: "...opposing bronze palace gates forged with a swirly design..."
~ Correct punctuation: "Two of the guards were ready to open the gates, when the party left. Vondor turned to his father who was standing in the arched doorway, his green tunic with gold piping and embroidery, making him look..." The commas between "gates" and "when" and "embroidery" and "making" are unnecessary. 'You cannot.' Declared the king, his son didn't..." Should be, 'You cannot,' declared the king. His son..."

Starred!

-Cassandra Porter
LOVE, DEATH, OR THE GIFT OF HAPPINESS

Thank you for the great feedback, I am looking at the novel again as we speak. As for the cover, I am the designer! And thank you I am glad you like it!

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

The long pitch is great – it sums up the plot neatly, but gives away just as much as needed to incite curiosity.
Minor suggestion: It’s best to start with, ‘On the twin sun world of Bardarium, life is ruled by the sword.’

The short pitch – you can certainly improve this one by focussing solely on the rivalry and love elements.
The first line is redundant; you have it in the long pitch already.

The prologue was totally delicious, to say the least. :-)
Really, I wasn’t expecting the quiet lovey-dovey dinner to turn so dark so suddenly.
Great hook. Well done.

The opening chapter introduces the antagonists very well. You’ve used actions to show us the evil streak in Vondor’s nature that comes across as rather mindless, brutish and unstable. You’ve also developed the plot very well and there are hints of an impending betrayal and another shadowy character, an unknown enemy (the proverbial puppeteer?) that’s enough to keep the reader engrossed.

As far as the writing is concerned, my untrained eyes spotted a few lapses, but nothing major as such. This looks more likely to be the first draft, and I’m sure that you’ll be able to fix the errors yourself after a careful read.

My rating: 5 stars

Oh, and did I mention that you’ve also got a great story title and a fabulous cover? I don’t think a lot of people here know who the designer is yet, or else, you would’ve been flooded with requests by now. :-)

Best regards,
AGC

Dear Amanda,

The long pitch is great – it sums up the plot neatly, but gives away just as much as needed to incite curiosity.
Minor suggestion: It’s best to start with, ‘On the twin sun world of Bardarium, life is ruled by the sword.’

The short pitch – you can certainly improve this one by focussing solely on the rivalry and love elements.
The first line is redundant; you have it in the long pitch already.

The prologue was totally delicious, to say the least. :-)
Really, I wasn’t expecting the quiet lovey-dovey dinner to turn so dark so suddenly.
Great hook. Well done.

The opening chapter introduces the antagonists very well. You’ve used actions to show us the evil streak in Vondor’s nature that comes across as rather mindless, brutish and unstable. You’ve also developed the plot very well and there are hints of an impending betrayal and another shadowy character, an unknown enemy (the proverbial puppeteer?) that’s enough to keep the reader engrossed.

As far as the writing is concerned, my untrained eyes spotted a few lapses, but nothing major as such. This looks more likely to be the first draft, and I’m sure that you’ll be able to fix the errors yourself after a careful read.

My rating: 5 stars

Oh, and did I mention that you’ve also got a great story title and a fabulous cover? I don’t think a lot of people here know who the designer is yet, or else, you would’ve been flooded with requests by now. :-)

Best regards,
AGC

Thank you for your lovely comment. Will hopefully take a look at your this week end.

Amanda

A great piece of fantasy that has a strong start.
Fluent and well thought out.
Dialogue adds colour to the text and you have researched your genre well.
Believable characters blend in well with the narrative.
A good read and will rate well.
Well done.

A great piece of fantasy that has a strong start.
Fluent and well thought out.
Dialogue adds colour to the text and you have researched your genre well.
Believable characters blend in well with the narrative.
A good read and will rate well.
Well done.

You have a great beginning of chapter 1 and it ends well too!! Right off the bat, I'm thrown right into the story with that first paragraph. It kept me reading alllllll the way to the end. Good job! I've read up to 5 and shall return to continue reading!

Very good plot! I loved how you described everything in detail. I can't wait to read more of it. Just one thing in the plot isn't mean while one word, but everything else was great!
Thanks,
Scott

Thank you for your lovely comment. I will take a look at your work too and add you to my watch list.

Thank you

Amanda

I saw that you enjoy fantasy, so I decided to come over and take a look at your work. I'll start with the title. It is not very often that I find a title that draws me in. I love it and your long and short pitch tell me just enough Bardarium and Simeon to make me want to read more. I made it through your first Chapter and your descriptions are amazing. I was really transported to your characer's world! Thank you for posting this for everyone to take a look at. I will recommend it to others who are looking for a good fantasy read. I think you may enjoy my MG Fantasy, "Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket,' and comments are appreciated! High stars for creativity and I'll be watching!


Best,

Ashley

Amanda,
I reviewed the first chapter of To Fight for a Kingdom and felt like I had visited another world. The various settings are described in such vivid detail. I could easily imagine the scenes and sense the approaching melodrama. This fantasy genre is one I can only read as the imaginative depth is beyond me and I'm amazed at the fantastic accounts the authors craft into a work of fiction. It's a talented author who can imagine such a complex plot and write from several perspectives like an eagle looking down and seeing everything from above. The cruelty in this land is shocking and horrifying and I could see myself cheering for the forces of good to triumph in the end of this mesmerizing tale. Six stars for originality and the luscious detail of the prose.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Hi Amanda,

Great start! I especially love the prologue.

Below are my comments. They are, of course, only opinions...things to chew on.

“Her features were fine and perfectly formed”
Instead of telling us she was attractive, show us. This isn’t really a description of her. For instance, something like “the dress she wore hugged her curvy frame, ending just above her knees to expose milky, smooth skin.” Just made something up on the spot, but you get the point. One shows us what she might look like, and you can lead the reader to understanding that she’s attractive. The other just says she’s attractive without much elaboration or detail.

I think you get overzealous on the semicolons. They’re not needed in most of those cases, and it gets kind of tedious to read. Many of those can be broken up into separate sentences.

When the woman changes, the description is very good, but “her eyes get very black” doesn’t really paint a clear picture. “Very” is kind of one of those wishy-washy words, much like words like “seems” and “kind of.” Did even the whites of her eyes become black? In which case, we can assume something has physically changed in her. Or, did the room just get dark so that her pupils widened even more? I like this prologue. Great, great hook, but I think it could use a bit of a scrub and polish.

Chapter 1

“…why did he have to go away?” should be its own sentence. Otherwise, you’re writing the first part as a question too.

“spring’s morning suns light.”
First, spring should be capitalized, and suns should be possessive, even though there are two suns (multiple possessive is written as suns’ while singular is sun’s,…but this is awkward and I don’t think it even fits well with this sentence. If you have to have it, which I would understand as it indicates the time of day, I’d move it to the start of the sentence and reword to something like, “In the morning light of Spring,…” (you don’t have to say sun’s, since it’s implied).

Seems to be a lot of POV "head hopping," but from what I can tell you pull it off just fine. Be careful, though, because it can be easy to mess that up. Also, from what I've heard, publishers sometimes are wary of that type of writing unless you're already established. That's just what I've heard...don't know that for sure.

Good start here. Thanks so much for sharing and good luck with the story.
I hope these comments are helpful.

All the best!

Phil

The opening scene was well written, drawing me into the story.
Prince Vondor is such a well crafted character, and I could tell that his jealousy of his brother would lead him down a dark path. I liked how he glared at the children running free and playing, and the fact that he was the one pushing his younger brother into the cold river, making him ill.
I sense something big is coming, and I haven't felt this excited about something I have only read a small piece of for a long time. I shall rate you 5 stars for now, and will keep you on my WL so I can back you at a later date.
I wish you the best of luck with this, you deserve it.

Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

The opening scene is an effective hook. However, I wonder if you could break it into multiple short paragraphs to heighten the tension, especially as he starts to die?

This is a very descriptive piece and it's easy to visualize everything. Along these lines, you've created an interesting, well-developed world that I want to know more about.

I'm not usually a fan of third person omniscient when the author hops from perspective to perspective, but you actually do this quite well. Most of the transitions read smoothly and effectively.

My favorite aspect of this is the premise. Landera is a fascinating character. In fact, she really drives the plot, and I'm curious to figure out more about her and what she's up to. The end of the chapter serves as a really good hook to keep your reader interested in the plot. I also like Vondor's character right now, and I'm curious to see what sort of influence Landera will be and how he'll react to this. I love the good v. evil struggle in novels, which makes me excited for what's to come.

I also like how you tied the opening scene to the story by the end of the first chapter. A lot of times books will contain an opening scene that doesn't seem to connect to the story until much later. You tied these together well.

Suggestions: Some of the phrasing is awkward. For example, "the walls were hung with paintings of past relatives" would read a lot more smoothly as, "paintings of past relatives hung on the wall." This way you eliminate the passive voice. I'd recommend breaking up your longer paragraphs. Long paragraphs slow the pace and tend to hide important details you don't want your reader to miss. Careful with word repetition. Try not to use the same word twice in one sentence. For example, "Farrell could not risk both his sons falling ill and the possibility of losing them both to the fever..." Both is used twice. It would be easier to write, "Farrell could not risk losing both sons to the fever." By applying the idea of trimming to your entire manuscript, you will quicken the pace and smooth out your narrative. Most of the time, less is more. Try to avoid tagging dialogue at the end of a long paragraph (i.e. Vonder had been bored for the entire journey...)

At times there is a bit too much description. I didn't need to know every little detail about everything. Each time a character is introduced, or we are shown something new, you describe it. Instead, jump right into the conflict, sprinkle in the descriptions, and leave the rest of this to your reader's imagination.

Typos: There's something wrong with "spring's morning suns light." Is it "spring's morning sunlight"? I see that there are two suns, but it reads awkwardly as is. My suggestion would resolve this since you explain the two suns in the following sentence. Should be: "But I want to stay here!" pleaded Vondor, kicking at the stone steps. This should be the case each time you use this sentence construction. No comma needed in "she knew the potion, was finally making..." In fact, I'd review comma usage as there are a few issues. http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/

You have a great story to tell here, and you're a talented writer. With a bit of trim and polish, this will be even stronger. Good start!

Hi Amanda!!
end of the 2nd line, were should be where.
First paragraph: Great!! I reckon a lot of men could relate to their wives being like that!! :) I think maybe you could draw out the scene a little more, give some para breaks. But great opening.
I love the names. Vondor especially! Adalia and the names of the suns also. The dialog bits are really good and really engaging... I would comment only that I'd like more of that and less telling in a few places. The other thing I would like to see is more para breaks!! I read a book that talked about 'clips' and changing paras after each clip. In each clip, there is usually a separate character, so each time a different person is doing some action, you change to the next paragraph. I'm not sure whether that's right or not, I haven't looked it up elsewhere, but some of your long paragraphs I think need to be cut up, and maybe there is some sort of rules for this. I did it in my own work, and it seems to work well that way.

It's obvious that you have put in an enormous amount of work on this fantasy! However, I think it needs a little more polish, and I hope this small crit helps when you do your next edit. I only read through the first two chapters, then skimmed through some of the rest. You seem to get more of a good flow in the following chapters. The first seems always the hardest!!! But again, throughout, in my personal opinion, I think there is a little too much telling where you could be doing more 'showing.' please let me know if you want further clarification on this. If this was your intent, to write this way, then please ignore me!!! I think you will be right with another edit to iron out some last creases!! There are lots of examples on the net how to change something from telling to showing.

Overall, an engaging work, generally well written and readable. Thanks for sharing, best wishes for your success, and highly rated!

Monicque
The Multiple Choice. x

First of all let me say that I am by no means a great critiquer. I am not a professional and anything said here is meant to be helpful, not harmful or hurtful. I am just one person leaving you their opinion and it’s one you may take or leave.

Ch 1

In close secession you’ve repeated about how the dog died.

“But he let my dog, Alvin lose, and he was trampled by a bolting horse.”
“But he was trampled by some horse.”
A suggestion might be that you change the first sentence slightly and say “but he let my dog lose.” As then in the next paragraph you’ll be giving out more information.

There seems to be a lot of telling going on here. You’re giving me a play by play as to what’s taking place which tends to clog up the story somewhat—slowing it down.

Ch 2

Vondor’s reaction and replies are done well. They match that of a ten year old.

Ch 3

Very evil plan taking place . . . : )

Overall I like the suspense and mystery you began building immediately. The first three chapters are more or less a backstory on how it all began giving the reader the insight as to how evil is taking over Vondor.

I think you have a great story in the makings and as with all stories, there is always tweaking and editing that take place. My one suggestion would be maybe to cut back a little on the details of telling and start showing me more. I know my own work is not perfect and have been guilty of the same, however, continually getting feedback will help make the story stronger.

Best of luck, and I do hope you find this helpful. Lisa

Great beginning, Amanda. You start with conflict and don't waste your time on back story, which is great considering its many agents' and publishers' #1 pet peeve. Your characters are compelling and well fleshed out early on. This is always important to see since characters are the driving force of almost every book. There were some phrases and sentences which were too wordy, ambiguous, or unwieldy. If this isn't your final draft I won't nitpick, though, since you'll probably find them all as you revise. Vondor's ten, right? I felt that his speech was littered with phrases and words that were out of place for someone so young, even if he is a prince.

I was drawn to your story because its similar in setting and style to my own work, The Heiress of Rhiangar. I'd appreciate your thoughts on a chapter or two if you get a chance! I enjoyed reading; hope to look through a few more chapters in the future! Best of luck and happy writing!

I even gave you a star rating for now. I may change it higher later. :)

Amanda Ashton – To Fight For A Kingdom: Okay, so I had to break down and read a little bit before it comes up on my shelf. Was just too curious! And I'm glad I did! :)

Very good beginning! Sucked me right in. Evil. I couldn’t tell at first, but she’s definitely evil. Great beginning! And don’t worry about the chapters! I have 65! Some of us like to read big books! I only saw 20 chapters uploaded of yours though. :(

Vondor is definitely trouble. I can tell. This will be an interesting twist for your story. I look forward to seeing how it happens. I enjoy the descriptions you give of the embroidery, how they look kingly or not. Such descriptions take me to this time and place. The castle’s descriptions etc. all help taking the reader to another time and place as well. Like the two suns that hover over this world, etc. Very nice. Love the tapestries, rugs covering stone floors, four poster bed, lilac gown, etc. Love that stuff! I think even more description can be beneficial for the reader, such as getting the five senses involved: Touch, taste, smell, sight, hearing, and extending that to feelings, emotions. I think you’ve touched on these things, but could even more. I’m currently re-reading The Hobbit, and your book has a sense of this great story to me in some ways. The oldness, the clothing, etc. Of course it’s different, but if you build on your uniqueness of time, place, people, I think you’ll have a real winner. (Keep in mind I’ve only read part of the first chapter! Love it, by the way!)

There are a few typos, long paragraphs, etc., but I feel all of this is not as important to correct right away. It’s more important to write and get it out there. The story is key. All the other is fluff that can be tweaked. (In my opinion…for what it’s worth!!!) Good job! I’ll definitely be back!

Okay, so I just got to the part where Vondor has reached Landera’s. So here are some new comments. :) This adds sooo much to your story already! Wonderful! I love the descriptions of the place and of Landera herself (very curious) and her servants. It was as if she was changing right before our very eyes. Really intriguing! I love her library, the mustiness, her book and book stand and the curiousness of all that. And the drink. I already feel so bad for Vondor, and yet, he’s the perfect puppet for Landera! Yikes! Absolutely love the secret chamber, her lair! Neat that she had to go down and down in her castle to reach it. Such a great twist right in the beginning. I knew she had to be the one from the beginning! So makes a great evil sorceress already. But as I’ve stated above, add some smells, flickering lights off the mucky walls or something just to add the sense that you, as a reader, are really there in the room with her. The door with the moving heads on it was great. You could do a little more with that. However, you may have done all of this further in the book and I’m getting ahead of myself. This is a GREAT read so far, Amanda, and I can’t wait to finish it! It’s great when readers feel that hooked from the beginning! And I will definitely finish your book if it stays to this caliber! Great, great job! Oh, and by the way, love the names so far, even the world and country.

Ellise :)

Hi Amanda,

I was on the forum and saw your comment asking people to review your book, so I thought I'd take a look. I enjoy fantasy from time to time, and so far this has been an enjoyable read. As I read I always try to jot down some thoughts or edits as I come to them to help the author with the rewriting process, which is always ongoing. Lord knows I'm neck-deep in rewriting my own book! :) So here's what I was thinking as I was reading.

Nice opening! Chilling, and draws you in!

She looked stunning from (where) she sat...

“small rectang(ular) room” ?

In describing the man’s wife you mention her dark hair twice in back-to-back sentences. Perhaps describe a different aspect of her features to flesh it out instead?

***

In the sentence that begins, “The ten-year-old stood on the ancient(,) worn stone steps...” it seems like a long string of adjectives in one sentence. Ancient, worn, stone, main, large. Maybe break the sentence up a bit?

“In the spring’s morning suns light,” awkward construction here.

I notice in some cases you’ve inserted commas where they’re not needed or missed them where they are needed. A good rule of thumb is to read the piece aloud, putting in pauses wherever you’ve inserted commas. If that doesn’t sound right to you as you read then you probably don’t need a comma there. And if you pause naturally and there's no comma there, often there should be.

“endless (whining) of the eldest.”

“out of the back window (at) the walled city.”

“he continued (to) stare out at the city”?

I like how you already are developing Vondor’s personality, that’s showing through even as a boy of ten.

Nice bit of suspense/peril as you hint that Vondor is being sent to the very woman who murdered her husband the year before. What horrible thing could she have planned to twist his mind?

In describing Landera’s lair you say man-made cavern and man-made room back-to-back. Might want a different adjective to break it up.

Overall this is a smoothly-written piece that draws me in right from the get-go. Of course, Simon is your main character, but we do learn about him and his weakness, propensity to complain to his parents, but also his strong will to fight and the fact he puts up with his brother for some time before he will say anything about it. Obviously Vondor is cruel and Simon is right to tell his parents the things he does.

I'm giving this 5 stars, and putting it on my watchlist to back as soon as I have a space. I'll also mention it to my wife...she loves fantasy and is a member on the site.

If you get a chance to comment/rate/back my book "A War Within" fiction set in ancient Rome, please do so.

All the best wishes for your success!

Nathan Maki