Far from Normal, More than Special

Meaghan,
"Far from Normal, More than Special" is one of those books that carries you along nice and easy until you realize there's an undercurrent that's gripped you, pulling you past the point of no return. You have to read on, you have to find out what transformation awaits Annabell. Your narrative in the first person is conversational fitting well with an introspective POV mulling over the ability to make water. Thank you so much for the delightful read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Nice, fresh, charming style. I don't usually read YA (I am way past 40) but I can see clearly you can write. You seem to hold on to the story as it streams nicely. I can see this book hitting its mark with the YA demographic and maybe more!
Good luck, I backed the book for now.
Adina

I read chapter one so far ande I feel compelled to comment - I'm totally hooked! I need to know what the heck this special school is - what is her gift and I guess it's from her dad whom she doesn't know- is that foreshadowing? It almost reads like a modern day female Harry Potter so far - I really like the Annabell character but I wasn't a big Harry fan. I believe YA will be drawn in - I'm old and you totally intrigued me and I know my daughter would nab this off the shelf based on cover, title and pitch! Well written so far and I will comment after I read some more. It's my Friday night fun stuck in an airport for two hours. You are on my WL as a reminder that tomorrow when the frist spot opens at the 24 hour point, I am shelving this - I have already starred it. Good luck with this.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Can't believe there are only 5 chapters here - I wanted to carry on reading! This is very well written YA fantasy. Your characters are believable and have characteristics that the suggested audience will fall in love with.
You sentences are not overloaded with adjectives or unnecessary adverbs as so much material on here is. It is clean, well executed and easy to read. What more could you ask for - except a few more chapters to read please!!

Mae
'Ignited'

good title. good ya tale.
j

Hi Meaghan, I read the first five chapters a while ago and have just popped back to see if you had uplaoded any more - and you have!!! Having read the next two chapters I am still very excited by this story. And you leave us hanging at the end again!!

Well done Meaghan, and I will keep checking to read more!!

Mae
'Ignited'

I enjoyed reading the first chapter. I think you have a lovely way of describing things and your characters are likeable and seem realistic. The POV fits nicely with your story. I feel it would benefit from an explanation of when 'special schools' became common in mundane Florida. I found a few things you'll want to consider. I've added explanations only where I thought they may be needed, so feel free to ask me if you don't know what I mean :) And keep in mind it's only suggestions, so take what you want and leave the rest.
1. Rawry responded before I could, as her big brown eyes struggled to focus on him.(comma after 'could')
2. "No, Rick. She is going to a special school."
(comma after 'no', Rick is being addressed. I noticed several other instances like this where commas were needed, so you may want to check punctuation throughout. 'special' doesn't need capitalization, just italics.
3. It was getting better, but would I ever get over it?
4. Mom should be capitalized if she's being spoken to. Only instances where 'mom' follows a pronoun, like "my mom" or "his mom" for example, should be lowercase
5. In fact, it wanted to throw up.
6. There was a point in my life where I wanted to be popular and have lots of friends. (verb tense typo)

These are just some things that popped out at me as I read. I hope you find it helpful. I wish you the best of luck with this! Sorry it took me so long to get to your book, it's been on my WL for some time. I look forward to hearing your feedback on my book if you should find the time.

God bless,
Trista Herring-Baughman
The Magic Telescope and other stories

Ok so this might sound harsh but please bear with me as this is only my opinoun and u dont have to take it at all if you dont want lol but i like to honest.
So i read through to the end of chapter 2 and had to stop there. Your prose (writing style) seems a tad painfull to me. I dont feel it flows as well as it should. I would give examples but the example is chapter 1 and 2. Im not sure how to elaborate on this, if i can figure out how best u can improve it ill comment again. Now i may felt ur porse needs work but i am hooked by ur plot. It is gripping and pulls you in, this plot with your prose cleaned up would make for and exciting and enthrawling read.
A coulpe of things that stuck out badly to me were there's
-you say in chapter one that her hair is short but then say it falls to her shoulders. This is not short hair. Short hair stops just below ur ears or an inch under them any longer and ur hair is considered mid length, or if its passed her shoulders it is long.
- she puts contacts on her black eyes and turns them brown. Im not sure if u have used contacts before but this would not work on black eyes. Any contact u place on them will still show up black. Example. If u have brown eyes and want blue eyes and u but blue contacts in ur eyes will not go blue, they will go a idark hazel at best. By eyes are grey and i have blue and green contacts and even with my grey eyes they dont show up as the blue and green they are ment to. Ive but brown ones in and they show up a dark brown. So on black it just wouldnt work. that is if you were trying to make them look natural so no one else would know she had contacts in.
- she seems pretty mean to her mum even for a teenager. I couldnt figure out why. Is she that self centered that she ccant see that this must have a great effect on her mother as well? Her mum must feel so so so horrible and a failure as a perent to have let this man do what he did to her daughter. It seems like anna is punishing her or even hates her in some bits by the way she acts and talks. I really thought she did hate her untill she goes to say good by and runs back to hug her mum.

-keep an eye on ur discribing words hun. To many and it slows stuff down and makes it choppy. Eg: she has chocolate brown eyes. Why not just brown eyes? Makes it flow better.

Sorry if this seemed like a harsh critquic but id want people to be honest in their comments when they read my work.but this is only MY opinoun. And i will keep reading because i do love your plot very much :)

Xx
S-j

I finally made it back here to finish the whole story -- what you have up. I like the relationships between the students, the cliches that are already forming. I'm wondering what Larry is up to. I could imagine this story being popular with girls in the teen years.

There's still the overuse of the pronoun "I" and there's some extraneous dialogue and description that you might want to consider paring to make the story move along more quickly, but overall, this is a great effort.

Lauri (The Willow Branch).

An intriguing start with wonderful characters and a very interesting story line. You have a nice flow to your writing and combined with the first person narrative made this easy to read and really held me. I really enjoyed what I read.
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

Ohh. I like the idea of this book, the plot. The writing is pretty good too. I'm really interested to see what happens to Annabelle. Good job!

Ooh. A cliffhanger at the end of chapter 7. Brilliant! Anna certainly has alot to deal with and it's only the first day of school. I have a feeling her emotional triggers aren't going to be worked out very easily; I can see trouble ahead. It's sweet that she's beginning to build up trust with Lance. Now, he has a cool power. And as for Rawry? I can't wait to read on.

hello dear! I just finished chapter one and you certainly grabbed me and sucked me right in. Going to continue reading, but I had a thought that I didn't want to fly away when I go to read more. There isn't a whole lot of typos here. A few missing commas maybe, but overall nicely polished. My only issue (and I am only noticing it because of Becca helping me with my book) is that you use the word was a lot. My word was that. Used a ton in my book. But "was" is used an awful lot in chapter one here. I wonder if there is a way to change some of them so it doesn't sound like a bit of a drum beat. Okay.... thought written down. On to chapter 2!

I love this genre right now and yours fits in very well with other stuff I'm seeing. It's also got a unique spin and a refreshing character. Sometimes with YA fantasy the characters tend to be a little cookie cutter. I didn't get that with Annabell. I like her a lot, she's a strong MC that I think girls will look up to. I like the voice of your character too, in the first person. Her inner musings aren't boring or rambling. I'm interested to see where this goes. I see a ton of potential and marketability. Good luck with this ;)

Missy

Hi Meaghan, I’ve just read the opening of Far From Normal and left some thoughts I hope prove useful. I initially thought this might be a Harry Potter lookalike, but it’s far from being that. The story is well thought out and holds a lot of potential. Having said that, there is – in my opinion – still a lot of editing to do. Because I think this story will shine, once it’s been polished, I’m happy to back it.

Pitches.
Both pitches are strongly written and do their jobs of enticing the reader in. Just one small nitpick: ...a couple (of) new friends. Missing the bracketed word.
The first chapter opens well and the narrative flows smoothly, until: The bed creaked and my hand made a shadow over the letter (as it blocked some light coming from above us, which was the only light in her dark room). I feel that the bracketed words are unnecessary and that the sentence is more evocative without them.
Repetition: “I know you hate being (different),” she said in a (different) tone that was unfamiliar. You don’t really need the 2nd bracketed word; “unfamiliar” indicates it’s not her usual tone.
I heard my mother’s voice before I was forced into the next day... Loved this.
Repetition: At least this time it was something that hadn’t (actually) happened. Most of my nightmares were (actually) past events... You don’t need the 2nd bracketed word.
Repetition: I never really opened up about what (happened) to me......was the only way of moving “on (from what had (happened) to me. You don’t need the 2nd “happened” and I would suggest stopping the sentence at: ...was the only way of moving on.
Syntax: I had (ran) to the bathroom. The tense here is a little off, the bracketed word should be “run.
Syntax: ...a frilly black choker (on) my neck... bracketed word should be “round.”
......my (fucking) father. Beware using words like this in YA, I think it’s generally frowned on.
...she (has) attempted to... again the tense is off, should be: ...she (had) attempted to...
Typo: ...her thinking the problem people didn’t like me was something else (then)... should be “than”.

Meaghan Baker; Far From Normal, More Than Special
In all my reviews I try to be honest, in a constructive way and never unduly critical. It is also, only my opinion, to be taken or disregarded. Here are my comments for chapter one of your manuscript. I enjoyed reading it. Well written and flows nicely. IMO, the story itself, so far... is predictable. I like the thing with her eyes. Also, water from her hands is interesting! The thing is, there are so many book, especially here on authonomy, that are so similar to the idea of: a young person with powers, misfit, unhappy, no direction, few friends or only one friend, and then, special schools. (An obvious parallel in popular successful published works: Harry Potter. Another: X-Men) Consequently, the writing and storyline must be stellar! Below are my notes, mostly just small punctuation and sentence restructure, common errors and mistakes. Hope it's helpful!

- We were sitting on the dark comforter that covered my best friend's bed, face to face. (This sentence needs work. The reader can figure out that it's the girls, who are sitting "face to fact"...but the way it's written, it can be interpreted that the comforter covered the bed, face to face, rather than the girls. It's just a little thing but editors/publishers will catch it and not like it.
- "Rawry (,) I will never replace our friendship. (need comma?)
- The dirty smell of sweat.... He had shaggy brown hair and THE face of a prince. (See correction)
- "Anna is transferring to another school." Rawry responded as her big brown eyes.... (Maybe should be a comma after "school" ?)
- He wouldn't look me in the eyes.... He took it slowly from my grasp and our fingers brushed together for a few seconds before (I) pulled my hand away in shock. (see correction)
- I heard my mother's voice.... (recommend ditching the semicolon and making this two sentences. Will read better IMO. also, maybe dropping the last two words, "as usual". Might read better. Or, you could place "usual" before "worried". Make sense? Just my opinion...)
- I sat up and she handed me a tissue..... ( This paragraph needs work: 5-had's, 1-hadn't & 1-having.)
-"You were screaming (;) you need to talk to me about this. (Here is where I think it appropriate to use a semicolon.)
- For two years I had been having nightmares about my mom's ex-boyfriend (,) Paul. (need comma?)
I quickly made it to the bathroom.... (In this paragraph, you write "night mare" whereas prior, you use, "nightmare". I'm sure, "nightmare" is right, but you need to be consistent.)
- After I finished my daily bathroom routine.... ( So far I've noticed several places where there are more words than necessary. Be careful not to use more words than you need to move the passage forward. Here is a very small example: "daily bathroom routine". If you said, daily routine, the reader would know she was in the bathroom. If you wrote, bathroom routine, the reader would know it was daily since it's a "routine". IMO, the three words together are cumbersome. You might even scrap all and say, "After I finished, I went back to my room.")
- I glared at nothing in particular and continued down the hall to my room to slam it shut. (Here, the reader more than likely understands it's the "door" she is slamming, but still, the wording is not good, IMO. Here's a suggestion: Glaring at nothing in particular, I hurried to my room and slammed the door." Now, time to address another thing. Notice that I changed the beginning so the sentence didn't start with "I". When writing in first person, It's easy to over use the word "I", especially at the beginning of your sentences. This paragraph is a perfect example, as well as prior and after. I suggest you go through and find as many places as you can where you can "show and tell" the story without over using "I".)
- I grabbed my cell phone.... (Here's an example) My cell phone sat blinking on the side table next to the bed. It was a message from Rawry, the only person beside my mother who was on my contact list. (So, saying essentially the same thing without using the word, "I". Hope that helps...)
- Hey (,) Anna, good luck today. (good luck instead of goodluck. I realize this is a text, but it might be important to still follow the rules, unless u r using slang text...?)
- I quickly put the phone down.... (recommend you go through and remove any adverbs that are unnecessary. IE: I put the phone down before my eyes.... Says the same thing, I think.) Then: Who was she kidding, I never made any friends so far in life but her anyway, and that was her doing. (Do you see this sentence needs work? Suggestion: Who was she kidding? She was really the only friend I had, and that was her doing. ...something like that.) Last sentence in this paragraph: ....was noisily running on THE wheel in his cage. (I'd keep "noisily" as it describes and works well. But, I'd remove "down" and "slowly". IMO, it reads better. "I opened the top and put my hand inside to pet him.)
- "She's right, how could I forget I have you?" (Little things like this will get publisher/agent/editor concerns: "I forget I". Maybe better written; "She's right, how could I forget you?")
-He happily squeaked at me..... One day this girl dressed in all black... (Maybe better: ...dressed all in black... see what you think.)
As I read further, I find more issues, but will only comment on something if I feel I must. There are more punctuation errors you will need to find. I know it's hard to see them yourself. Try reading out loud, if you haven't yet. This will help, I think.
- I had RUN to the bathroom.... (maybe?) Or, I ran to the bathroom... (maybe better?)
- My mother continued to drive.... ( suggest removing, "sort of".) Same paragraph; example of revising a sentence, making it shorter...sometimes less is more...removing unnecessary words makes a sentence flow better, IMO. Also, I advise to not use cliché's (stand out like sore thumbs) except when absolutely necessary. Here it is: Not only because we would stand out in a school of normal students, but more so, to be trained to use our powers for good.) BTW, using the f word at the end of this paragraph...not sure it's good for a Y/A novel. It makes sense here but publishers/editors/agents, may feel it shrinks your demographic.
- My mom turned the car down a mysterious dirt road. (consider dropping "mysterious" and 'tell' the reader why it's mysterious. Otherwise, just leave it out and let the reader figure it out.
- Mom pulled up slowly....There was a speaker and she pushed the big red button. (consider removing, "on it".)
- A man's voice came through....(Recommend avoiding "began to" and "started to" in your writing. Also, some sentences don't need to last words. Here is the chapter as I would edit it:
A man's voice came through and I noticed someone in the clear guard box across the street. No doubt this was the guy speaking. Mom pressed in the letters to our name. Then she sorted through the papers in her lap until she found what she was looking for.
"Sorry for the wait," she apologized to the intercom. Typing in the remaining numbers, she handed me the paper and gave me a look that said, hold on to this!
I'd like to read the second chapter after you have addressed the issues I found in the first chapter and see if you can do some editing and improve upon what you have. This way, I won't be dealing with the same issues as I have throughout the first chapter. That is, only if you like....
Good job!
~PT

Meaghan,
"Far from Normal, More than Special" is one of those books that carries you along nice and easy until you realize there's an undercurrent that's gripped you, pulling you past the point of no return. You have to read on, you have to find out what transformation awaits Annabell. Your narrative in the first person is conversational fitting well with an introspective POV mulling over the ability to make water. Thank you so much for the delightful read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

A few spelling mistakes in the first few chapters but otherwse a good read. I was instantly hooked and cannot wait to read more. The attraction between Lance and Anna is nicely done and melissa's attitude is completely accurate. I know of a few people like that when I was at school. Well done Backed with pleasure.

Lesley-Ann (Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth)

This is a great read for YA. It isn't over the top and the MC is credible. Anna is easy to follow in the story.
Well written and I enjoyed reading the 7 chapters.

Interesting end to chapter 7. Can't wait to see where that's going...

Just going to point out something:
You put 'dear' instead of 'deer' and 'viscous' instead of 'vicious'

Hello Shadowchime. I just finished reading chapter 6. From start to finish, I couldn't tear my eyes away. Great tension between Anna and... well, everyone. I like the romantic elements of course, but the interplay between Anna and her classmates was intriguing as well. It was interesting how everyone changed after she told them about her elemental power. This is really shaping up to be a fascinating read. I love it.

Mood colour changing eyes!??! What an origninal idea!

This has a fresh style to it and now I'm wondering where this will lead to. Just a few minor things that you need to worry about then it will come together where the story needs to be. First person is hard to write, but once the author gets a hang of it, it will become easier. The book will hit the YA market and it will become a success. This feels more of Harry Potterish and the school seems to be a place where I would like to be if I had powers.

Penny
The Glass Serpent

LF40


Solid imagination is displayed in a few of the scenes, and with the general flow is both fast paced and satisfying for the intended reader. Cliché elements creep up, and they should be eliminated for the sake of a unique story. The dialog has some characterization in places, but each individual character isn't differentiated within the dialog- rather they blend into the amorphous mix. The sensory description is limited to the visual. Branching out and using all sensory inputs would be beneficial for the story's setting and believability.

Here are some structural observations:

[with the most depressing expression that I had ever seen.]
The qualification 'I had ever seen' means nothing to the reader. It translates into a quantity that the writer isn't skilled enough to impress upon the reader. Qualify it with words, not open expressions.

[government,” I responded.]
'Responded' is redundant. I stated, I retorted, I countered, I explained... these are all redundant tags that add nothing to the dialog. If the tone and pace isn't set by the context then then context needs adjusting, not the tag. Stick with said, screamed/yelled, and an occasional whisper if you absolutely have to use a tag.

[The small brunette looked up from the document.]
What document? There is no scene yet set for the characters to react to. The vague reference to it in dialog isn't enough. Use sensory description when addressing your scene.

[“That’s a joke right?” A tear escaped from the corner of her eye and I knew I had messed up.“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”]
This formatting for this dialog doesn't work. It throws off the flow and confuses the speaker.

[I leaned forward on her bed and hugged her.]
There's a bed involved? Create your physical scene before the characters interact with it.

[We held each other for what felt like forever.]
cliché. This is the type of thing you expect to hear in genre romance.

[I separated from my best friend, and in the doorway I had stupidly left open was her older brother.]
You added the attribute 'best friend' in passing for further exposition, and one doesn't leave a 'doorway' open.

[He had a basketball in his hand]
Passive verb choice.

[I always thought he was too much of a jerk and immature to be cute.]
This isn't a sentence.

[“Anna is transferring to another school.” Rawry said; her big brown eyes struggled to focus on him.]
The semi-colon is unnecessary. Rework it without the speed bump.

[His hazel eyes looked like they were about to fall out of his head.]
This visual doesn't work. I'm not sure what this means.

[Then I continued out the door]
Weak verb. 'Continued' is not an active motion.

[The sky was black.]
No need for the passive. 'The black sky...(insert great description)'

[My eyes stared up into the wide blank space.]
No, they didn't. The eyes aren't sentient.

[There were no stars. There was no moon. Only darkness]
This should be one streamline sentence.

[My chest heaved up and down; my lungs were struggling to breathe.]
Cut the semi-colon, and the lungs weren't struggling as they to are not sentient. This character wouldn't know the difference in physical

[My skin was so cold ...“Please someone…help me.” ]
The first sentence is informing the reader that the character will soon speak.

[No one answered me.]
This doesn't need to be said. Describe everything else and it will be apparent that there was no answer.

[Tears began to stream down my cheeks.]
Passive. 'Tears streamed...'

[There were leaves and dirt covering my legs.]
Passive. 'Leaves and dirt covered...'

[A rock entered my path and I stumbled over it]
Did it hop in the way?

[I began to scream.]
Passive. 'I screamed.'

[I heard my mother’s voice before I got forced back into reality; my eyes opened slowly and I saw her hovering over me with that worried look in her chocolate brown eyes as usual.]
If this is a dream opening, destroy it. This has been done over and over- copied again and again.

I like the characters, especially because some of them are so mysterious (i.e. Spark). The story was good as well. At first I was worried that it would be too much like other books of the genre, but you added a lot of your own twists. There's plenty of drama and intrigue to keep me interested. I'll back this soon, I promise.

Rose

The writing in this is solid. Your sentences flow together smoothly, and this was a quick, enjoyable read. I like the short, almost choppy style you have at times. It feels authentic and avoids verbosity. Nicely written!

Annabell is a well-developed, relatable character. For this genre, your target audience will find her easy to connect with. I like that you made her flawed and believable yet easy to sympathize with. Thoug she's "special" she views it as a curse if anything. I like that. It makes her feel more human. You also do a good job of tapping into her mind. By the end of the first chapter, I feel I know her pretty well.

The premise intrigues me. There's a lot introduced in this opening chapter, and I'm curious about Paul and where this might lead. I'm also curious about her eyes changing color. We're starting to see the first potential elements of the paranormal. I'm also interested in the school she's attending. You have quite a few solid hooks in here.

I do have a few small suggestions. First, starting with dialogue is tough to do. It does little to help your reader step right into the story. At this point I'm supposed to be moved by the conversation, but I have no idea who is talking and have no connection with them yet. The conversation they have and the information revealed is good and important, but I wonder if there is a stronger way to introduce this. Though yours is well-written, dream sequences, particularly in the first chapter, have become cliché and agents and publishers encourage writers to avoid them. It seems like the dream might be necessary to the plot, so you could almost start this section with her snapping from the dream in a cold sweat, rather than showing us the dream and then telling us it was only a dream. You also have another cliché with the mirror scene. I've read in numerous places to avoid this because agents see this showing up in too many manuscripts. I wonder if the text message would be more believable if it was choppy and used slang and symbols to portray the info. Though I don't text much myself, I'm not sure how realistic it is right now.

Minor typos: Having a basketball in his hand and twirling it at the same time contradicts itself; if it's twirling, it's not in his hand. People are "who" not "that." Careful not to slip into present tense with "I wish I didn't have..." I think you have a misplaced word in "She's right, how I could forget I have you?" You contradict yourself when you say "The only person who knew what the colors meant was Rawry" then go on to say that "Mom had figured it out over the years." So there are actually two people who know what they mean.

Ultimately, you have a great story here. The writing is excellent and the characters are believable and relatable. With a bit more work and cleaning up, this will be even stronger. Good start!

Nice, fresh, charming style. I don't usually read YA (I am way past 40) but I can see clearly you can write. You seem to hold on to the story as it streams nicely. I can see this book hitting its mark with the YA demographic and maybe more!
Good luck, I backed the book for now.
Adina

You have a lot of strong points here. Obviously, there are similarities to X-Men. The key will be to show agents and publishers how it is different and how it can stand on its own. I can tell you've come a long way.

The opening to the novel feels too abrupt. It’s like stepping into the middle of a conversation between strangers and having only a vague idea what they’re talking about. The dialog is fine, but you need a setup that places it into context.

Now the part that follows with the dream and the comforting by the mother; that I understand. It works well. The eye color idea is good as well. It’s the perfect unwelcome power for an insecure teenage girl.

I’m not crazy about the ending line to chapter one. “You may enter” isn’t a memorable line. Try to end chapters with a bang. That could be a cliffhanger, a sentence that warns of danger to come or a powerful quote from the characters. Pick up your favorite novel and read the last sentences of chapters. That’s the key to making readers flip to the next chapter and not put the book down.

I really like the thoughts of your character, especially how she reacts to her mother. It makes Anna come alive.

“Two pm” is not property style. It should be 2 p.m.

A good place for a chapter break would be right after “A boy was inside my dorm?” It would require a little more setup in the following chapter, but it’s a solid cliffhanger spot.

The dialog between Anna, Steph and Larry is nice.

I like this one so I'll back it. Keep writing. You've got the talent.

Best regards,

Brian Bandell
Mute

I read chapter one so far ande I feel compelled to comment - I'm totally hooked! I need to know what the heck this special school is - what is her gift and I guess it's from her dad whom she doesn't know- is that foreshadowing? It almost reads like a modern day female Harry Potter so far - I really like the Annabell character but I wasn't a big Harry fan. I believe YA will be drawn in - I'm old and you totally intrigued me and I know my daughter would nab this off the shelf based on cover, title and pitch! Well written so far and I will comment after I read some more. It's my Friday night fun stuck in an airport for two hours. You are on my WL as a reminder that tomorrow when the frist spot opens at the 24 hour point, I am shelving this - I have already starred it. Good luck with this.

Liz
The Cheech Room

I like how your story starts right in with dialog between your interesting emo characters. Good foretelling that promises more info later, and backtelling--if there's such a word--that makes me want to keep reading and find out about the 'incident'. Fun voice--this is cute: 'he didn't go to the same school as us anyways.' :)

Your writing could use some tightening by removing all unnecessary words. For example, I would write the first sentence to say: Rawry looked at the letter with the most depressing look ever.

Also, try not to begin sentences with the word 'there'. Your sentences will sound stronger.

You've got good organization and a great story idea. Keep it up!

Robin E West
'Pentacles and Pentecost'

Sorry, not hooked. Maybe the book is more for chicks.

Your prose is wordy. Trim some fat. It makes bolder prose.

"[Please} Tell me this is a prank."
"The small brunette looked up [from the document]."
"A tear [escaped from the corner of her eye] fell. I [knew that I] had messed up."

Have someone address comma use. Many were absent, though I only read as far as the first couple of sentences beyond the dream sequence.

I read your first chapter and you've got a good story. I'm not going to focus on typos or grammar or any of that. Your characters are good, the concept original, and her powers sound incredible. My one suggestion is to put more emotion in the paragraph when she is describing what Paul did to her. It will help the reader connect up faster and make the nightmare, her fear, and what she went through that much more real. Maybe try writing the explanation of the nightmares the way you described the dream.

Overall I think this is a good YA novel. Good work.

Roxanne

Can't believe there are only 5 chapters here - I wanted to carry on reading! This is very well written YA fantasy. Your characters are believable and have characteristics that the suggested audience will fall in love with.
You sentences are not overloaded with adjectives or unnecessary adverbs as so much material on here is. It is clean, well executed and easy to read. What more could you ask for - except a few more chapters to read please!!

Mae
'Ignited'

Hey! I’m back to point out some specific verb tense problems, per your request. :)

Since two years ago ((aha! This should read “For two years...” “Since two years ago” would only work if your story was in present tense.))
It has gotten better but I doubt I will ever get over it. ((Should read: “It had gotten better, but I doubted I would ever over it.” You lapsed into present tense in this sentence.))

There are not too many more; these were the most blatant ones. But the fact that they so readily popped off the page to me—and when I was reading quickly, too boot—suggests there are subtler ones lurking in the most unlikely of places. Those are the always the hardest ones to catch. Don’t worry, agents don’t expect perfection. Just something darned close to it. ;)

J.N.Khoury
The Heiress of Rhiangar

So far I've read chapter one, and am watchlisting it until I can read further.

Initial thoughts:
1. Anna is as real as a character can be! You spend a lot of time bringing her to life, and it shows. In only one chapter I feel like I've known her her whole life.
2. There is an awful lot of introspection/reflection in this chapter that I think could either be postponed, shortened, or cut altogether. The subject of Anna and Rawry's clothes is touched on multiple times, when you could easily communicate it just as effectively in only a few brief sentences. The ratio of action vs. introspection in this chapter is something like 3:7, as just a rough guess, which leans too heavily on the introspection side of things for an opening chapter. This used to be acceptable when writers like Austen and Dickens ruled the scene, but today readers want action from the get-go, and self-reflection only in small, spaced doses. Luckily for you, your characterization is so wonderfully strong that even if you cut 50-75% of Anna's inner thoughts from this chapter, her character will shine through just as strong. The words you cut will still be there, they'll just be between-the-lines, almost subliminal. Your chapter will be stronger for it, and you'll lose none of the great character building you've done so far.
3. Your premise is very intriguing. I'm thinking of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, and as a devoted fan of the X-Men, I highly approve :-) I'm drawn to Anna and can't wait to find out what happens next.
4. Watch out for tense changes. Contrary to a previous poster's comment, it does matter. If you try to find an agent or publisher, the inconsistency in tense will discourage them from reading further. They're just picky that way, unfortunately. A careful, thorough edit will polish that up, though, and your story is good enough to deserve that fine-tooth comb.
5. I sense a paradox in Anna's character. She dresses to stand out and seems to have to problem with that. Yet she's extremely self-conscious about being different because of her abilities. She purposely composes her appearance to be different from the crowd... but then wears contacts to cover up the part of her that is truly unique. Why one and not the other? It seems to me that if she wants to truly be normal, to fit in, and to not draw attention to herself, then she'd dress accordingly, Rawry or no. Or the other way around: if Rawry's influence makes her want to stand out more, then wouldn't it follow that she begins to accept her other differences, and even start celebrating them the way she celebrates her arm warmers? Just a thought, though maybe you clear this all up in the next few pages, and I just haven't gotten to them yet.

Best of luck to you! Happy writing.

J.N.Khoury
The Heiress of Rhiangar

Do please write more I really enjoyed it!

I read chapters 1 and 2. I found the first to be too angst-ridden, teenage rambling and the second to be so fast paced it seemed manic to me.

Sorry, I guess I'm just too old for this story and can't give you anything more constructive.

I just finished chapter 5. Great tension in this chapter- so thick I could feel it. Love the changes to chapter one too, by the way. Let me know when you post more.

Much to admire in the sense of place and drama you create in this opening gambit. The dialogue is crisp and realistic and gets us into the action holding us there long enough to compel our undivided attention, always a useful trait for any successful novel.

Ciao and best wishes

Richard

I like the Harry-Potter-esque setting, but you made your characters more believable. One downside to writing in first person is that writers tend to over use the pronoun "I". I'd do a good aloud reading to see if you can eliminate some of that. I'm not going to nitpick the small stuff since you said you're editing. That overuse of "I" is probably the biggest issue I have and reducing it would result in quite a lot of changes.

Good luck. I think this story has potential.

Lauri (The Willow Branch)

Generally, I like your pitch, but I am uncertain if the kdis in thes school are dangerous or in terrible danger. I'll get back with you as I read further chapters.

Hi Shadowchime,
I thought your work was amazing..... Whilst I'm unable to to invest more time in your manuscript, I believe from the pitch alone it displays great potential.
I wish you the best of luck
Backed with pleasure
Helen

Hi,
Thanks for the comments. I'm storing them up for the harsh editing.
I like the premise for this story, and I will read more. Just had time to go through chapter one. I've noticed an over use of the word 'I' and I find this a little off putting but that might be my issue as I did it really badly in my first book (much worse than you have). There are also a couple of places where words are repeated. These are things which are easily ut right in editing though and for me, the story is the important part so it's all good.
mark

Dear Meaghan,
I love your writing style and your story. There's so much emotion, there's love and friendship and although i only read the first chapter, i felt confident enough to give your book at least five deserved stars.
I would suggest changing a sentence in chapter one, paragraph starting with, Every other week...(They used to be) every day...
How about something like, "The same nightmare repeated itself night after night?" Just a suggestion.:)
Excellent visualization. I felt as if i was in that car on the way to school with Annabell, but i could also feel her sadness and uncertainty. Good work at "Showing".
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Enjoyable reading Meaghan. The writing is really good, but I think perhaps it's all a little too wordy, I was kind of waiting to hear how she went at the new school, and there was just a lot of talk about it... And then you hit us with the thing about her dad. That was good... but I guess I'm still waiting to hear about the school, cause that's like the goal you set up. Anyway, thanks for sharing!
Monicque.
The Multiple Choice.
Would you please add my work to your reading list. :)

Hi Meaghan,
You have an engaging story here. I read the first two chapters. Lots of hooks to keep your audience reading.
The teenage characters all feel authentic in their dialogue and mannerisms so I'm sure this will appeal to the Young Adult audience of today.
There are many things you can do to tighten up the manuscript and I'm sure if you ask you will get many who will advise you on edits. The two things I'd check for are repeated phrases and words, at the beginning of chapter two you used the word 'stuff' multiple times. This can often disengage the reader and pull them out of your story. Its easy to get an editing program to pick up this kind of thing. Sometimes as writers its hard to find the little edits that can make a world of difference to your writing and give it that added polish.
The other thing was the arrangement of words in a sentence, check that you have words in the correct order.
As in the final sentence in chapter one "Nothing was said between us, for the rest of the trip" ( moved between us)
Hope this is helpful to you, I think you have the makings of a good story here, and with a little more editing this could go all the way,
Cheers Jacoba

Showed this to my late teen and she said that she would read this if she got it for her birthday. Believe me, that's a compliment. :)

ps don't respond in your own comment box, people won't see what you have written unless they go back to your page. You need to message them on their home page.

typos shmypos!!! this is a great read, domt worry about mixing tenses (I say) the story flows so well, anyone/everyone will understand.
Great job Meaghan!
DML
Backed it
ps, you might like my 'Cats Tales' but i didn't read this just to get you to read mine, it caught my eye.

Meaghan,
I found your book easy to read, so it didn't take long to read the three chapters you have posted. The story and characters are interesting, though some things don't seem overly original.
I know you've been told about the mixing of past and present tense, but I'll say it again anyway. There were also a few typos that can be easily fixed.
If you post more I'll keep reading, and I hope you spend some time editing what you have already. It's worth the effort.

Cora

Thanks Cora. I'll take your advice. Also I've changed the plot and I am looking forward to your input on the next few chapters. =] I think then you will find it more original.

Meaghan,
I found your book easy to read, so it didn't take long to read the three chapters you have posted. The story and characters are interesting, though some things don't seem overly original.
I know you've been told about the mixing of past and present tense, but I'll say it again anyway. There were also a few typos that can be easily fixed.
If you post more I'll keep reading, and I hope you spend some time editing what you have already. It's worth the effort.

Cora

Hi Meaghan. I read the three chapters you have posted, and although I usually prefer to read more before making a comment, I'll go ahead and jump in. The only issue I had was the problem with mixed tense, but since you said you've already addressed that, I won't nitpick. I like the weird mix of fantasy and realism. The premise sort of reminds me of a more sophisticated, bad-ass Harry Potter. The idea of the boarding school for magic has been done, but not like this. Anna is moody, self-conscious about her stange abilities, sulky with her mother- in other words, she is a real teenager. Stephanie and Larry are realistic as well. You've done a terrific job in terms of character development. Anna's eyes...they say the eyes are the windows to the soul, and in her case, this is quite true. I'm curious to see how this story plays out. Will Anna come to terms with her powers? Will her tell-tale eyes cause her problems now that she can't hide behind her contacts? Let me know if you post more chapters. I'd like to read more.

Thank you for your input Susan! I'll keep that in mind when I write the next few chapters.

Hi Meaghan, I read the first chapter and I have mixed feelings about it. It seems very choppy, it jumps around in such a way that it doens't flow and your character development hasn't grabbed me. I really liked the pitch you had next to your book and that is why I wanted to check it out, but like I said, it just bounced around too much for me. Maybe if you didn't give the reader so much informtion. Is it all needed to tell your story? After the first chapter, the reader should want to read more, so keep that in mind. Please don't let my comments upset you, they are just my observations and I am certanly not a professional. Good luck to you.

Susan
The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island

Thank you so much J.C.
I didn't realize I was writing like that! Actually I meant to write completely in past tense. However when she dreams I meant to keep it in present. I think I am going to fix everything so that it is in past tense. Thanks for the editing tips.