Cyber: The Adventures of Kaz Medina

YARG

Review//Cyber:The Adventures of Kaz Medina//Areeq Chowdhury

I’ve spent many moons (I’m exaggerating) wondering why, out of all the books on this site, that this one has one of the few ratings that exceed 4.2 and my question was answered in just a few sentences in. I mean I had to convince myself to stop reading just to write this review. I said “Ok, this is the last one and I’ll stop,” but each chapter ended with another bang that kept me thirsting for more.

Reading the first four chapters, I’m in love with the fact that Kaz has sort of embraced his abilities. It’d be sort of cool to do some of the things he can do, but I’d personally be sort of freaked out. Kaz keeps a cool head about it and through your narration, I believe it. But, I think I love Jade even more. She has this destructive personality that eggs Kaz on to keep trying new things like a walking bad conscience. It is through her push that I left the character in Paris, which I really went “WHOA” after I read that. It had the effect that I desired from the end of your third chapter, which I’ve noted about in my little list below.

You’ve made a believer out of me and have convinced me to bite my tongue on judging books on her before I’ve given them a read. You deserve every bit of your star rating and if this book doesn’t make it to the ED, it wouldn’t be so bad, because this book deserves so much more than a silly gold medal. This book deserves a large readership—and I’ll bet it gets one.

Six Stars. You’ll get my backing when the current Top 5 rotates out.

Little comments:
-I love how short your chapters are. They are quick, which will give your demographic motivation to read through the whole thing in a day, while not sacrificing content.
-Opening sentence of Chapter Two: Not sure if feigning is the right word. Is he really pretending to be angry about the kid using his phone? Most teachers would be pretty upset about it.
-I love the bit about him writing the Timberlake bio, but I find my suspension of disbelief halting at the point where he can write a flawless bio about the singer in no time at all. I do believe that he suddenly has all of the knowledge about the singer, but is he suddenly the god of writing down words with a blistering pace or is it implying that he didn’t write it down in just a few minutes. It’s just something to think about.
-“The video had more than five hundred thousand comments and more than one hundred and fifty million views.” This great and all, but read the sentences that both precede and succeed it and you’ll find that it doesn’t flow with the paragraph. I’d say find a way to fit it in, but most of the world that has used You Tube knows about this video. I think it is safe to say that we don’t need to know how many times it’s been viewed as it is sort of implied.
-“There were a lot of very happy looking people sat around him.” [Sitting]
-I think it would’ve been great and dramatic if the crowd reacted to him appearing in the video or, if he switched places with Mr. Laipply. The actual result you used was a little anti-climactic.

I thought it would be a very long time before I found something unique in the young adult genre, but Cyber is a refreshing and fun change of pace.

Author Areeq Chowdhury has perfectly tapped into modern life and created a superhero in Kaz Medina with a unique power. He first is able to do small but impressive things, like memorizing a Wikipedia page without even looking at it. Then his electronic prowess grows to the point where he is a true superhero with indisputable power. Its every teenager’s dream.

Along the way, we are constantly reminded that Kaz is in fact, a fairly normal teenager. I like how the relationship between him and best friend Jade seemed very realistic even as Kaz’s powers grew. The government trying to control its new weapon angle was expected, but makes for a fine addition to this otherwise completely unique tale.

I would say that Cyber would be a stellar hit as a graphic novel, and even better as a full length book. That said, I would not be surprised if the novel Cyber spawned a splash into the world of comic books once published. Kids will embrace a hero like Kaz, and I think everyone will enjoy a fresh young adult novel for modern times that doesn’t involve kids riding broomsticks.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Hi Areeq,

Cyber drew me in immediately. I love your original idea, with engaging plot and interesting characters. Your story reminded me of the Matrix series and Alex Rider series. Well done and best of luck!

I am sending many stars your way and have you watchlisted. I'll put Cyber on my shelf in August (too many promises for shelving in July). :)

Deb

Hi areeq,

I must say that you have a great writing style and I love how you used technology as a way where your character can transport. I read up to seven, but I'll have to come back to see what happens. Keep me updated when you post more chapters, this is worth coming back to and reread.

Penny
The Glass Serpent

I am astounded. I read it all up to chapter 11 you have a great writing style. The plot is something to dream of. There is so much you can build on with that. Left me with a daydream too which only happens with the best of books. Congratulations. I really wish that I could have come up with a plot like that. Truly incredible. Well done. :-)

This is a very different idea for a story plot.
Good work coming up with something new.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Areeq,

I've had Cyber on my watch list for a long time -- time to give my promised comments!

You have a cool idea here -- a student who for mysterious reasons can absorb information directly from the Internet: a superpower with all kinds of potential for trouble. There is obvious appeal for the target audience who have followed Alex Ryder and others.

Kaz is appealing: sort of an everystudent who wishes he could stand out but just doesn't. He has a cool friend in Jade. Love interest? Sidekick? Also, he's obviously not a white guy. The spy genre needs more diversity, I'm sure!

Your writing and storytelling are overall pretty good. In general, I'd advise that you look for ways to tighten up the prose: break rambling sentences into two or three; limit the use of "ing" verbs; think about where you can "show" through the use of strong verbs, rather than "tell" through explanations.

In the scene where he first gains his powers, it might be good to have something happen besides just falling asleep at the computer. Maybe there's a thunderstorm (or an apparent thunderstorm?) Something slightly out of the ordinary -- otherwise, why is this time special?

Here are some specific comments:

Ch 1
new years resolution should be New Year's resolution

The, now, stalling computer and his daydreaming state wasn't helping. The three "ing" words bog this sentence down. Try: The now-stalling computer and Kaz's daydreams didn't help (Or weren't helping).

In the next paragraph, instead of telling the reader that Kaz is daydreaming about Jade, start with him staring at the photo of her (and him), then go on to how they'd spent the day together.

Start a new paragraph with the pop-up for free smileys.

So far, he had only just written a paragraph filled, mainly, with what he thought was pure waffle. This could use tightening. Try: So far, he had written only a paragraph -- in his opinion, pure waffle.

End the Facebook sentence after "notifications" and begin a new sentence with "Unfortunately for him." You've referred to multiple notifications, so you want the plural "there were none."

The sentence where he dozes off at his desk is another rambly one. Try: Halfway down the page, his eyelids became heavy and noises became distant. Kaz allowed his head to sink onto his desk.

His dream-vision is pretty cool. "The feeling of falling came down on Kaz" is awkward. Get more into his experience: "Then he was falling, and woke suddenly back in his bedroom."

hyphenate a three-page essay (and insert the a)

box-room window This reference confused me -- isn't a box room an attic or storage room? Did you mean box window (a projecting window)?

small boxes filled the neighbours' living rooms with flashing lights. I wasn't sure about this -- is he seeing the light from their TVs? Does he not recognize it? If he's unsure, be clear about it. If it's TVs and he knows it, say so.

End the sentence after "had just happened to him" and start a new one with "People cannot just dream knowledge."

the cats had seemed to have stopped sprinting around. Cut "had" and end the sentence after "seeking the haven of sleep." Go straight to "Kaz sought the same."

Cut "He was becoming overwhelmed" and "due to his mind being exhausted and his head aching." After the list of emotions, say, "His mind was exhausted and his head ached."

This chapter is entirely from Kaz's perspective. Sleepers are rarely aware of their own snoring, so cut that line. Try: "He collapsed onto his thick duvet and fell into deep, dreamless sleep."

Ch 2
This chapter includes a couple of jarring jump cuts. You go straight from the classroom at the beginning of break to Kaz on the phone at the end of break, after he has just been texting. Go ahead and have the conversation between him and Jade. There has been zero dialogue up to now, and it's time.

The speed of which he wrote You want with which

He's riding the bus by himself and then suddenly he's with Jade and they're walking to her house. Show the meeting. Come on -- this is the girl he daydreams about!!! And do they really walk to her house without talking at all?

Wow that sure is . . . Place a comma after "Wow"

The sudden, brief switch to Jade's point of view while Kaz sleeps is jarring and unnecessary. (I like that she helps him figure out his power, though).

Why is the Justin Timberlake bio is Jade's handwriting? If this is correct, OK. It must come up in the next chapter, but I tripped over it, so you might want to clarify that Kaz also thinks this is weird.

Very fun and exciting! I didn't have a good idea for a book until I was nearly 40, so good for you! (And, yes, I am literally old enough to be your mother, but my profile photo is very flattering -- nothing like saturated color to cover the gray!)

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

Backed Cyber: The Adventures of Kaz Medina. This is an enjoyable change of pace, and unique science fiction read in the YA. Kaz has unusual abilities which young reads will like. The use of the internet, facebook, etc. makes it relevant for today’s YA reader.

When you decide to edit, we a couple suggestions.
Chapter 1, first paragraph last sentenced should be written as follows. The stalling compute, and his daydream state wasn’t really helping him much either.
Chapter 1, second paragraph should be written as follows: Halfway down the page, his eyelids became heavy, and noises became distant. Kaz lay his head upon his desk to allow sleep to take him.

Good luck on your way to the top! Hope you will find time to take a look at our vampire thriller, Dark Side.
CC Brown

Hey Areeq, I have given your book a glance a long while back and I liked the plot so much that I decided to have it on my shelf for further reading. I have always been an admirer of Science Fiction especially because of the reason that it is limitless and your story proves the same. Kaz's experiences with Wikipedia and the Youtube videos are really well done! I particularly liked the simple language used and the book being easy to read, I am sure this will appeal to a plethora of readers, not only Sci-Fi lovers.

Good Luck and I will try to have your book on my shelf for as long as possible.

Naveen

Hi, thought the pitch was interesting. I've only read chapter one though. I think it could use a bit of editing. I found the sentences tended to run on with comma's confusing the issues. There was a lot of telling about what was happening and a lot of description of people which stopped the flow of the story.

Two specific examples:
'...would mean another essay not handed in on time for the third time in a row.' This can be clearer and simpler by saying something like '...would mean the third essay not handed in on time this year / in a row.'
'The, now, stalling computer...' comma's around now are confusing. I'd leave them out entirely in that sentence, or 'The, now stalling, computer...'. Although this is contradicted a paragraph or two later when he's checking pop ups and his facebook page.

Good potential here, hope it goes well for you.

regards,
Imelda

I have read through your book and I like the concept very much (being a Computer Science major in college and working on high-end computer systems daily). The only critique I have is to work on smoothing out your transitions between chapters. Overall it is well written. Thanks for your novel. I rated it 5 star.

I like the concept of your novel. I will back for now and continue reading.

Areeq,
lovely really well written and just right for your age group. i've read all 25 and found the premise really neat. your characters are well drawn and the dialougue and descriptions help move the story forward.
thanks for asking me to read it.
:)
Diane

I like the premise, that an ordinary person can be enhanced to achieve amazing feats, it fullfills the dream that many of us have. Rooting the action in contemporary technology ensures that the fantasy is feasible or at least acceptable. An interesting and readable piece of sci-fi...backed.

YARG Review

This is incredibly unique and what a fast-moving story. I really enjoyed it. Read Ch. 5-8 and I loved his abilities. Amazing. A nice way to touch on all the technology and popular things of our time.
You write with a specific target audience in mind and you will reach them with your style of writing and fast-paced action.
That ebay power rocked. Makes me wish I had it. Now I wish I didn't live in this reality.

Alice

Hi Areeq--

Book--Cyber- the adventures of Kaz Medina--

After reading the first chapter, chapter showing error and not available- and then three more chapters, i conclude;

this must be the best science fiction on the site; so up to the minute with the computer latest trends on the internet ; face books etc.
bearing this in mind it will make a great read for all the like minded young adults out there,
in it's genre, yours could be just what the editor is looking for .

The short and crisp chapters make for very easy and enjoyable reading, without taxing the mind to much.
I was rather hooked myself although it is not the type of genre i normally read.

highly starred with pleasure.

tom bye
book- from hugs to kisses;
although not your genre, you might oblige and look at mine, thanks

Hi Areeq, this is a great idea for a story for young adults and it flows well apart from having too many commas which jar a little. The only thing I would improve is the characterisation. You tell us in Chapter 3, for example, that Kaz was 'frightened and confused,' but you don't describe what that looks like, which makes it a little hard to picture. Did he feel his heart pounding? Was his breathing fast and shallow? Did the colour drain from his face? The other thing that helps characterisation is dialogue. A little more would help the reader to build up a better picture. How we talk tells people a lot about us. I'm starring this highly, and backing it, on the basis of its potential because the storyline is brilliant.
Gill
'Chasing the Wind'.

Too many comma's in the first few paragraphs - speaks volumes to me I'm afraid. Unable to comment further.

Areeq,

I'm not familiar with young adult literature, but having had a quick look at your book I feel you have an original concept that will appeal to your chosen audience. You write well but perhaps you might pick up the pace a little.

Best wishes
Carole

Hi Areeq, I read your first chapter and thought both your short and long descriptions of the novel were brilliant. You have a fascinating concept that is hot, hip and right-now for the Internet generation who barely know life before it and certainly don't know what to do without it. However, with such an awesome concept this could be handled better. Punchier writing, more action verbs, setting up your scenes within your chapters with hot opening sentences, ascending action and then a hook at the end to keep us reading to the next chapter. A lot of description in the opening chapter took the place of crafting a scene with dramatic tension. Good luck with your revisions and on your way to climbing to the top!
~ Meg

Cyber is very nicely structured as a believable story. The language is perfect--maybe a little too perfect considering the potential audience. An exciting read, refreshingly free of sex as an artificial attention-grabber. Five stars.

Best,

GG

YARG

Review//Cyber:The Adventures of Kaz Medina//Areeq Chowdhury

I’ve spent many moons (I’m exaggerating) wondering why, out of all the books on this site, that this one has one of the few ratings that exceed 4.2 and my question was answered in just a few sentences in. I mean I had to convince myself to stop reading just to write this review. I said “Ok, this is the last one and I’ll stop,” but each chapter ended with another bang that kept me thirsting for more.

Reading the first four chapters, I’m in love with the fact that Kaz has sort of embraced his abilities. It’d be sort of cool to do some of the things he can do, but I’d personally be sort of freaked out. Kaz keeps a cool head about it and through your narration, I believe it. But, I think I love Jade even more. She has this destructive personality that eggs Kaz on to keep trying new things like a walking bad conscience. It is through her push that I left the character in Paris, which I really went “WHOA” after I read that. It had the effect that I desired from the end of your third chapter, which I’ve noted about in my little list below.

You’ve made a believer out of me and have convinced me to bite my tongue on judging books on her before I’ve given them a read. You deserve every bit of your star rating and if this book doesn’t make it to the ED, it wouldn’t be so bad, because this book deserves so much more than a silly gold medal. This book deserves a large readership—and I’ll bet it gets one.

Six Stars. You’ll get my backing when the current Top 5 rotates out.

Little comments:
-I love how short your chapters are. They are quick, which will give your demographic motivation to read through the whole thing in a day, while not sacrificing content.
-Opening sentence of Chapter Two: Not sure if feigning is the right word. Is he really pretending to be angry about the kid using his phone? Most teachers would be pretty upset about it.
-I love the bit about him writing the Timberlake bio, but I find my suspension of disbelief halting at the point where he can write a flawless bio about the singer in no time at all. I do believe that he suddenly has all of the knowledge about the singer, but is he suddenly the god of writing down words with a blistering pace or is it implying that he didn’t write it down in just a few minutes. It’s just something to think about.
-“The video had more than five hundred thousand comments and more than one hundred and fifty million views.” This great and all, but read the sentences that both precede and succeed it and you’ll find that it doesn’t flow with the paragraph. I’d say find a way to fit it in, but most of the world that has used You Tube knows about this video. I think it is safe to say that we don’t need to know how many times it’s been viewed as it is sort of implied.
-“There were a lot of very happy looking people sat around him.” [Sitting]
-I think it would’ve been great and dramatic if the crowd reacted to him appearing in the video or, if he switched places with Mr. Laipply. The actual result you used was a little anti-climactic.

Hi Areeq.

This is a very interesting premise and I can see you've had a lot of fun with it (teleporting via Google Maps! I wish that were possible!!). My main criticism is the pacing - the story starts to kick off with the arrival of the men in black, but they don't appear until chapter seven. For originality, full marks! All the best with it.

x Steph x (Hollow Moon)

Hi, Areeq – this is your YARG review from Audrey. I bring my English-teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, along with me when I review. Whatever you don’t agree with was her idea. She has issues.

“Click, click, click. Tap, tap.” Anyone whose parents read them “The Little Engine that Could” is thinking, “Where have I heard this line before?” It’s mighty evocative of that’s book’s “Puff, Puff, Puff; Chug, Chug, Chug.

The second sentence has two verbs of being. Action verbs do a better job of drawing in the reader. “At quarter to ten in the evening, Kaz Medina attempted….”

First sentence in para 2 – another verb of being. I’m worried a book editor would just throw this one aside.
“…confused, scared, and immovable.” I bet you know this – parallel construction requires that “immovable” be moved out. The third word in this series must end with –ed.

I would like to see more of an effort to reach out to the YA audience on this first page. How does Kaz feel about homework? Your description sounds like what his dad would say. What would a boy Kaz’s age say to himself? Would he chastise himself? Would he dread that detention?

“A barrage of emotions crawled…” Really? A barrage of emotions crawls? That’s so weak. I would think a barrage does something more dramatic….crashes against Kaz like the waves at Huntington Beach?

I got the feeling Jade was in Kaz’s past in Ch. one but she’s an actual girlfriend in Ch. 2. Perhaps make that clearer? Have him anticipate seeing her tomorrow….

Overall, I think you have a wonderful idea here (despite its similarity to the TV show “Chuck”) that will make a terrific book. Your tendency to phrase things so passively is a bit of a turn-off, but that is easily fixed. Just search on the verbs of being and recast the sentences.

I also would like to hear more dialog and teenspeak. Kids bond with characters who feel like potential friends. Help Kaz become a friend to cyberteens. The last time I worked in a classroom with tech-oriented kids, I saw a huge variety of “types,” so your potential audience is enormous.

Best of luck, Areeq!
~Audrey

I've just enjoyed your first chapter. Your imagery and pacing are spot on. You've an interesting and unique plot. It's definately a book I could sit down with and get lost in, losing track of time. Perfect for your target audience. My only suggestion is you shorten some sentences. Longer sentences can be distracting to your reader. I hope this is helpful. Highly starred! :D

Best of luck,

Trista Herring Baughman
The Magic Telescope and other stories

I VOTED FOR YOU!!!PLEASE RETURN THE FAV HERE DAILY!!! : http://www.facebook.com/Rams?ref=ts#!/Rams?sk=app_238096579552082 like the page and then go to page 18 of the pics. the name above the pic is Derick W and the name on the pic is RAM-MAN. CLICK VOTE!!!! please send friends here too THANKS! u can also join the event page for this to get reminders: http://www.facebook.com/Rams?ref=ts#!/event.php?eid=210648048994275

I RATED YOU 5 STARS!!!PLEASE RETURN THE FAV HERE DAILY!!! : http://www.facebook.com/Rams?ref=ts#!/Rams?sk=app_238096579552082 like the page and then go to page 18 of the pics. the name above the pic is Derick W and the name on the pic is RAM-MAN. CLICK VOTE!!!! please send friends here too THANKS! u can also join the event page for this to get reminders: http://www.facebook.com/Rams?ref=ts#!/event.php?eid=210648048994275

I've never read the Alex Rider series and I think I might now. As of this I'm very impressed of how this flows so well. I've read the first two chapters and I loved what I've read so far.

Richard W Todd
author, actor, screenwriter

The Tyranny of Talin

Hi Areeq, I liked how this is expressive and while the world of technology interrupts the emotional story. It's done with so much flow that sometimes Kaz's POV becomes run-on, potentially lagging the plot. You might want to tighten up in places. Only because his POV is very engaging and leads definitely to Jade and to the internet issues. There's a wonderful dichotomy between character and situation going on here! Shelved & starred - Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Wide Awake Loons, The Swan Bonnet)

For the YARG review,
I know that I have made my comments to Areeq through out the time that he had uploaded his chapters. But here are my comments from before from what i can remember from them. I like the context of the book so far, it reminds me of reading the Alex Rider series and that I wish that I had his powers. Cliff hanger, who doesn't love cliffhangers, I want to see what happens next.

This is an enjoyable and fresh new storyline for the young adult genre, and a book I would willingly buy for my granddaughter.
Kaz is a great m/c, and one who most kids will be able to relate to.
The book has been simply written, with short chapters and sentances, making it comfortable for the younger reader to enjoy.
Overall it is unique and filled with fantasy and adventure.
Definitely a book worth reading
6 stars
Junetee(Four Corners).

I find this story very interesting and I think it holds a lot of promise. I have read numerous sci fi novels and think that this is pretty original. I have a few suggestions for improvement that would help your book to stand out more. There should be more dialogue between the characters. Also, I think you should go more in depth with Kaz. You are telling us what he is feeling, but not really showing. Its hard to relate to a character when you don't know exactly what is going through his mind.
God bless!
Charmain

Loving the last line in chapter three! Really made me chuckle! You, sir, are a very good author!

I made it through the first Chapter. I have to say, you have a talent for writing and a very unique story idea on your hands! Nice pitch, it gives me just enough info to want to read more too. I am giving it lots of stars and will be back to read more. If there is ever anything specific that you want me to look over, let me know. I'll be glad to do so.

Areeq,

I backed your intriguing book CYBER: THE ... will you please take a look at my novel DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, for you possible backing? Your help is needed and will be appreciated! Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

Hi Areeq.

I like the sound-words you use in the opening paragraph to pull us in. Very interesting set up. I like how you have him working on an assignment, and then he blacks out and wakes up with the know-how to just write a perfect essay. It makes me want to know more about what happened to him. Your writing is very concise, and I like your use of short chapters—it turns the story into a better page-turner that way.

My only major complaint is that I think maybe you’ve been just a little too concise in some places in your story. For example I feel like the part with him dreaming—or not exactly dreaming—could use a bit more depth, maybe some more describing how it seems like he’s fallen asleep from the start (I wasn’t quite sure what was happening there until after he wakes up back in his room—I though maybe he just left or something and I was confused), and then from there you could maybe contrast some other sensations or something that sort of set this experience apart from being a dream, or how it feels like an intense dream or something. Just some thoughts. A few places just feel a bit thin right now.

“A barrage of emotions crawled around inside of him.” Great line (although you might not need to include what all of those emotions actually are in my opinion).

I like the wording here too: “…too much brain activity for his head to take at this ridiculous o’clock at night.”

I think you do a good job characterizing Mr. Lindsay as well as your MC in the second chapter through their actions. How the kid responds to Mr. Lindsay through his cell phone usage is great and tells me a lot.

Other Constructive comments:
There were some typos and punctuation things here and there:
-“The, now, stalling computer…” Should it be: “The now-stalling computer…”?
-“…to see if any of his…friends had left any new notifications, unfortunately for him there was none…” First I think you could split this up into two sentences after “new notifications,” and then also it should be: “unfortunately there [were] none.”
-“Mr Lindsay went round the class…” should be “Mr. Lindsay went [around] the class…”
-“Kaz wrapped himself up…made for him a few years ago, it was late and his homework was done…” Could be split into two sentences at the word “it.”

Chapter 3, I think, is where the MC’s venture into the cyber world really starts to pick up and become interesting, at the part where he blacks out and starts to feel frightened. He knows he’s not dreaming, etc. Again it did feel just a little thin here, a little confusing to me what the image of his cyber escape world is supposed to feel like, and you might want to go just a little bit deeper on that. Really great idea though, very interesting premise.

I read the first 3 chapters, and I think you have a very interesting premise and a great story. It’s very different from what I’ve been reading so far, and I like it. You capture the MC’s teenage personality in the waking world well, and I really do like how fast this reads overall.

Good luck! Thanks for inviting me to read.

-Sarah ES

I like this! Have put it on WL and starred it up!

M
x

A teasing and current fantasy story which engages from the start. Will definitely carry on reading.

yeah i backed this for sure, the net is the new genre in itself and this is the zeigeists dream. so much potential -- sort of matrix meets the social network...although since 80% of the net is porn i wonder if his powers may become somewhat perverted!

Hi Areeq,

Good stuff! I love the premise, and there's some good writing. I think it might need some polish, and noticed a few things in the first chaper.

"After having done nothing but procrastinate for the past two weeks; Kaz had only managed to make a start tonight."
Change the semicolon to a comma. It's either a misused semicolon or a typo, but it needs to be a comma.

"Failure to hand it in tomorrow would mean another essay not handed in on time for the third time in a row."
Kind of a clunky sentence. Maybe try, "If he didn't hand it in by the deadline, it would be the third consecutive time."

Is he improving his studies or improving his grades or marks? I'm not sure "improving his studies" works.

"Mediocre kid"
Mediocre means ordinary or average, not poor. If he's getting low grades as in F's and Ds, mediocre might not be the best word. If you mean he's squeaking by with Cs, then it works.

"The, now, stalling computer..."
Clunky sentence. You don't need the "now."

"cannot"
Consider going with contractions to improve the flow.

Again, good start, good premise, like the cover, too. I wonder if the first chapter shouldn't have more of a 'hook.' As it's written, it's hard to tell what's going on. The scene should probably have a bit more drama or mystery or something to capture the reader, but all in all, good stuff. I'll try to check out more when I get the chance.

Good luck with the story!

Phil

Hi Areeq,

Good stuff! I love the premise, and there's some good writing. I think it might need some polish, and noticed a few things in the first chaper.

"After having done nothing but procrastinate for the past two weeks; Kaz had only managed to make a start tonight."
Change the semicolon to a comma. It's either a misused semicolon or a typo, but it needs to be a comma.

"Failure to hand it in tomorrow would mean another essay not handed in on time for the third time in a row."
Kind of a clunky sentence. Maybe try, "If he didn't hand it in by the deadline, it would be the third consecutive time."

Is he improving his studies or improving his grades or marks? I'm not sure "improving his studies" works.

"Mediocre kid"
Mediocre means ordinary or average, not poor. If he's getting low grades as in F's and Ds, mediocre might not be the best word. If you mean he's squeaking by with Cs, then it works.

"The, now, stalling computer..."
Clunky sentence. You don't need the "now."

"cannot"
Consider going with contractions to improve the flow.

Again, good start, good premise, like the cover, too. I wonder if the first chapter shouldn't have more of a 'hook.' As it's written, it's hard to tell what's going on. The scene should probably have a bit more drama or mystery or something to capture the reader, but all in all, good stuff. I'll try to check out more when I get the chance.

Good luck with the story!

Phil

Brilliant premise. Confident and immediate writing style. I love it. Well done. Look forward to seeing more from you.

Wow, this book is great! The first thing I liked about it was that you have a unique concept that is easily relatable to modern times ie. the use of the internet through Wikipedia. I think your target audience will appreciate having a seemingly 'normal' boy suddenly acquire these absurdly cool superpowers. Kaz will definitely be a hit :)
Yasmin
Guileless

i don't read this genre so i can't speak to whether you have a good concept, but i think before you make the desk you're going to want to edit this for punctuation. i found several errors in your pitch and first chapter. i find this kind of difficulty with mechanics distracts from the ability to read for content. i'm just one reader, but i don't think i'm alone in that.
i think you need an adjective in the line 'had only managed to make a start.' what kind of start?
also, this is a lot of dense narrative for your opening. i'm not sure it's active or interesting enough to grab a reader's attention. it didn't grab mine- but i'm not your audience anyway.
i hope you'll do some more editing before you get to the desk. the more polished your book is, the more useful their review is likely to be. good luck.
ps- i'm pretty sure you get no points for backing your own book.

Here’s what I liked…
1. You have a fresh new concept. Absorbing information from Internet sites has tremendous potential for plot lines and sequels and characters.
2. Kudos for getting a tremendous head start on your writing career. You’re good at getting the plot onto paper/screen. Keep writing.

For constructive comments:
1. Don’t stray too far from the Super Hero formula. There is a well-established pattern. Normal guy gets in trouble. Super natural event happens. Events get out of hand around him (villain introduced). Discovery of new powers. Training. Love story. Confronting evil bad guy. Save the world.

You have normal guy slacks off. Amazing things happen for no apparent reason – not even a highly implausible, suspension of disbelief, reason. Routine, systematic discovery of powers (no conflict, no bad guy). Now here come the MIB. Then, I assume, he saves the world.
2. Put Kaz in a crazy crisis very early. For a cliche' example, in Chapter 1, he fades to black while paying high credit card bills and wakes up to a million Euro in his bank account. Then he calls his GF, blows tons of cash on frivolity and a Ferrari, and triggers a police chase or something because they tracked the stolen cash to some powerful corporation's bank account. The Gov’t agents recruit him after he’s arrested.
3. Develop the super powers based on conflict/need instead of sequential experimentation. To build suspense, continually put him in real danger and rely on some new creative use of power to get him out of it.
4. Give us more insight into Kaz and his GF. 5 chapters in and I know nothing about his thoughts, feelings, or motivation. I feel like I’m following Kaz around and not experiencing his discoveries. It is very heavy on activity narration and little scene development, dialog, or introspection.

Hope these help. Keep at it!

this is a fab, fun read.likely to be a winner. the only thing i think could improve it slightly is to widen up the repertoire of adverbs and adjectives. would just zing up the descriptions a bit more then the thing would be unstoppable.
good luck
jen

Cyber: The Adventures of Kaz Medina

Please remember that all reads are subjective and, as a natural product, quality may vary (do you need me to put ‘joke’ here?).

First off Areeq I think you have bags of the right stuff for an author. You are all over the Forum and busy busy busy with self-promotion. All good. Now, about the book…

Title: I’m not sure about the title – you may have weakened it by adding the secondary tag. Also ‘Cyber’ is sadly, by now a bit lame. It used to be leading edge cool but cybernetics dates from WW2 and in today’s world, well I just don’t know. Your story is very NOW. I can’t offer any suggestions. I thought of a few but, frankly they made me laugh. ‘Web Boy’ was one that made me spill tea. But your title gives no clue about what is to be expected. Think about that.

Short Pitch: OK this pitch is no good at all – other than saying this is your standard adolescent power fantasy, it could mean any kind of supernormal. You need to arouse excitement, not talk about it. Look, for example, at the Pitch for ‘Sybernika’ on this site: punch, punch, punch. It tells you everything and nothing. Yours just says: it’s exciting, honest. See? Lame.

Long Pitch: pitches are not my strength (what is? I hear you ask) but this long pitch sucks. This is definitely something you can get help with from Authonomites, though beware the ‘horse designed by committee’ effect. In the end you need to sell the ideas in the book, not describe them. The first sentence for eg is a classic of non-excitement. It says, basically, ‘this is a book about…’ No. Extremely lame. You are trying to sell it. OK maybe like: ‘Was he dreaming when he imagined a Wiki page in his mind? Jade doesn’t think so. Soon he is flying through the interwebbies…’ Get me? Oh and the ‘two men in black suits’ is impossibly clichéd and because of that tends to encourage a reader to think the thing is tongue in cheek. Already I see that, doubly especially for a tale like this, there has to be a central conflict – the idea is good but the pitch suggests he’s just got a superpower. Yea, so what, he can cheat on his homework? Think about the movie Jumper. Your sort of idea but look at the pitch for it here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0489099/ See, conflict right up front.

As I read through I will mention bits that strike me – it’s easier that way – so apologies if this lacks coherence.

Chapter One: Homework – really? Wow, exciting! (not) Right away that first sentence. It isn’t a sentence. OK maybe not a crime but, much worse, the reader has to work out that this is a computer keyboard/mouse reference – it’s not obvious. Yea, I know the book’s called cyber and all that but I’ve forgotten that by now and am reading. And there’s one ‘click’ too many for effect. Keep it punchy. We don’t need to know the title of the essay do we. You see because it’s a question it sets the reader thinking about it. OK most people couldn’t care fucking less about that essay question but the reader can’t help it. That’s what writing does – it gets directly into the mind of another person and triggers all the processes there that make it work. So your reader wants to get on to the exciting bits and finds him/her self struggling with a daft politics essay. I know. This is what you do. But writing ‘what you know’ doesn’t apply like this.

The language is far too wordy. Take the sentence ‘Not only would this further damage Kaz’s new years resolution of improving his studies, but it would also land him in a Saturday detention.’ What promised to be an action packed, fantasy-fulfilling romp is immediately bogged down by wordy, and in this case, conditional sentences. ‘Would’, ‘would’ and another one before it. You choose what you write and in this case you choose to start with boringness. Why? It’s dangerous. I get that the scene-setting is: Kaz is bored with routine blah blah, suddenly something brilliant happens. Fine, OK formula, but you have to avoid making the reader bored, or, as here, thinking too much about boring things. These first few paragraphs wander around, sorry but they really are ‘pure waffle’ in places. You should tell the reader only what the reader needs to know, with sufficient ‘background’ to set the scene rather than, as here, going off on one about FB friends and then saying the equivalent of ‘oh, nothing happened’. It makes no sense.

Quality of language: phrases of mixed metaphor such as ‘barrage of emotions crawled…’ just scream amateur to the reader (I mean, you know, educated readers like publishing editors who tend to have English degrees etc). You have work to do with this. So what happens in this chapter is, he struggles with a boring essay, has a brain wave, completes it and goes to sleep. It definitely needs much more emphasise on the ‘weirdness’. If you are going to get into the exciting stuff you need to re-structure this so that by the end of the chapter there is a massive hook that forces the reader to turn the page. Not, go to sleep.

Chapter Two: Another sin, passivity. ‘Kaz's face on the other hand was a surprised one.’ This is boring ‘reporting’ of the situation. The reader doesn’t get a slap of surprise, just gets boringly told somebody ‘was surprised’. So, ‘surprise filled his face’ or something. See?
All this description of what he/she texted to one another: I wouldn’t know, I rarely text (yea, weird right?). Much as I hate it maybe you should consider putting the ‘text’ into the text (joke) because your reader has to work it out. Boo! Tiring, slows the read down.

OK I read enough now. I scanned the rest of it. You have a great set of ideas here but, in reality, ideas really are ten a penny. I can see this as a published book, I can even see it as a film – we know it’s possible to make ‘computer’ type films – but you have a lot of work to do. Your English skills need developing. Your typical audience don’t need erudition but you have to sell this to people who have it in spades and are cynical with it.

I hope I have encouraged you. I know you have the energy to do it. Keep pushing!

SF42- I am totally griped by the short chapters, and the pacing. As a reader in your target audience, I can say that the technology, and "modernese" of this is totally fresh, and I am coming back to read more, even though I hate reading on computers.
Some things I would improve on further drafts are:
- start in katz's thoughts, or with a hook. Either way, start with something you can show, and reaches out to the reader
-When Kaz dreams knowledge, make it more interesting to the reader. I mean, it is not easy to imagine dreaming knowledge so there is a lot you need to fill in to the reader.
-The pacing is very intense, but sometimes the reader needs a break. So stop to describe Jade's house, or his bedroom, (by showing, not telling.)
-After something crazy happens to Kaz, then he, and the reader, needs to feel something, eg images swirled in kazs head, he felt a wave of dizziness. Or whatever else floats your boat. My point is, really weird things are happening to him. You might know what is going to happen next, but Kaz doesn't,
-just take out "just" when it appears in the last paragraph, of the first chapter, or wherever else it crops up. (Just almost always redundant, but I just have this problem where I just can't stop using it in my writing.)

Anyway, enough said. Amazing novel, I got to chapter 5 and I can't wait to read on.
Maddy T
"Hudson by the Day."

I think you've got a great concept to run with, here. Young adult literature is saturated, however, with stories involving the high-school lives of teenagers with special abilities. You'll have to work hard to avoid becoming derivative, but, so far, it looks like you're off to a good start.

Your short pitch and long pitch were engaging, if not grammatically perfect, and they did make me want to read the story. The first paragraph of your novel is also a short pitch, of sorts. Those first few lines are where you have to hook your reader enough to make them want to read the first four pages, and I think it does a fair job. If you can think of a way to make the intro pop more, though, I'd suggest doing so.

The first four pages introduced your main character and his immediate surroundings, the setting of the story, and the start of the main conflict. That's good! The pacing, however, needs a bit of work. The lead-in for the "super-power" event was long, and I found myself struggling through descriptions of Kaz and Jade. You might not need to restructure this, though, if you can make the sentence flow a little smoother and tighter. I've included some specific examples below. Many of the suggestions are grammatical, but that's understandable, especially if you're in the early stages of revision and editing.

"After having done nothing but procrastinate for the past two weeks; Kaz had only managed to make a start tonight." - You'll want to use a comma instead of a semicolon here. Semicolons are for joining two separate sentences.

"handed in" is used three times in the first few sentences. Try mixing it up with "turned in" and "submitted"!

"land him in a Saturday detention." Is there more than one Saturday detention? If not, it should be "land him in Saturday detention."

The sentence starting with "Kaz wanted to be the shining star of the class…" seems very long (and a little confusing). Consider breaking it up a bit?

"The, now, stalling computer and his daydream state…" Try "The now-stalling computer (and his daydream state) wasn't really helping him much either."

"Jade and the day they had spent together today" - "day" and "today" so close together seems repetitive. Try something like "Jade and the time they had spent together today". I do my best to avoid repeating the same word within two paragraphs.

"He stared at the photo at the top of his computer screen…" Try "He stared at her photo at the top of his computer screen, Jade's pale complexion framed by dark frizzy hair. The shoulder-length strands set off her brown eyes and perfectly symmetrical face."

"To the left of her" - Maybe "Next to her"?

"A-Level Politics" instead of "A Level Politics" sounds less confusing.

"any of his hundreds of online friends had left him any new notifications." The second "any" feels repetitive, and I think the sentence would sound fine without it.

"any new notifications, unfortunately for him, there was none" - There are two sentences here, so you need to either separate them with a comma and conjunction or join them with a semicolon. "was" should also be "were", since you're talking about multiple notifications. I would suggest using the semicolon, like so: "any new notifications; unfortunately for him, there were none."

I would remove "so, in the interest of his essay, he closed the tab…" and replace it with "Closing the tab, he went back to reading the Wikipedia page on electoral systems."

"Halfway down the page, his eyelids became heavy" Maybe "grew heavy"?
"and noises became distant" - you don't need the "and" here, since it's a comma-separated list of three or more elements. Also, "faded into the distance" instead of "became distant".
"Kaz lay his head upon his desk to allow sleep to take him." "lay" should be "laid".

"Halfway down the page, his eyelids grew heavy, noises faded into the distance, and Kaz laid his head on his desk, allowing sleep to take him."

Good luck with your editing process, and I look forward to reading the polished result!

C4

Much better balance with this one and another aspect to his powers nicely revealed. I liked 'drowned out by the silence'.

I like the bit of background we get about Kaz in this chapter. Having it in an earlier chapter might be helpful. The Bangladesh detail is excellent. More please.

C2

Way too much wordage in this chapter and virtually no dialogue. That balance felt wrong.
Wordage. Some great description but none of it was adding to the story. The junior school uniform and bus journey are an example. Nicely done but I'd rather be reading about the characters continued introspection about what happened. Show us more of Manchester if you can.
Timing: He waits for a month, an essay and a visit to his girlfriends to experiment with this? I admire his discipline.
Dialogue: Rather than be told about Jades reaction to his experience I would rather have seen it, seen how he convinced her of it.

Sorry to sound so negative. The chapter read like notes for the real chapter I'm afraid. Still loads of potential

Nice quick first chapter. The idea is well presented without giving anything away, so loads to make you read on and discover. I got an Alex Rider vibe from it, a good thing, in it's brief, to the point style.

There are some issues that a thorough re-read and edit would sort out. Some language is repetitive, some phrases clunky ('land him in a Saturday detention').
The final paragraph also felt rushed. Be careful with using 'seemed'. I found I used that an awful lot in my writing and not to its benefit.
Looking forward to reading more.

Nice writing style. I thought first of all that he had a photographic memory but in first chapter it wasn't clear to devise it just yet. Then I realised he had an ability to teleport himself. Wow, I thought this is different and fancy. You chose a good plot and as your MC is discovering what he is capable of he takes us on this journey with him. Brillant. I wish you best of luck. Fully rated.
Daniela (Water Goblin)

Hi Areeq,

I like your ideas here, there is a lot of potential within your plot, but I have spotted a few issues which you may need to look at to help you with the way that your writing flows. Here are a few examples and potential fixes just looking at Chapter One.

Firstly, you have some sentences with a confused structure that brought me out of the world you have created. For example, you say " The, now, stalling computer and his daydream state wasn't helping him either."

There are two issues here. Firstly, the fragmented start of the sentence really throws the pace of the whole first paragraph off. Does it need to be fragmented? I also feel that the statement is rather "on-the-nose," a common problem with first chapters.

The second issue with it is grammatical. As you are listing the problems preventing him from his writing, the end of the sentence should read "weren't helping him either," instead of "wasn't."

Also, with your phrase "daydream state," I feel that this is a little "on-the-nose" too. Remember to show your readers how your character is feeling, as you do later when he fiddles with the items on his desk, and not to tell them directly what to think. This will help with your character development, you can really have fun building a character from their little flaws, it helps them to become much more three dimensional.

You do some sterling semi-colon work here, I'm glad to see you supporting the much maligned piece of punctuation. This does help to keep the writing, and therefore reading, at a good tempo. This helps to draw the reader into your world.

Later, you say "Unusually the light in the room was welcome rather than being an annoyance." I think that this statement needs backing up, perhaps by mentioning why the light in his room is usually annoying. You could work a little extra description into the first paragraph, perhaps he has a rubbish lamp, or a flickering bulb, or an energy saving one. But to just say that the light is usually annoying and leave it at that seems a little strange. Also, this sentence should really be fragmented by one or two commas, after "Unusually" and "welcome" to separate the clauses within the sentence.

Generally, the first chapter is a good, if brief, introduction into Kaz's world, although I do also feel that you mention your MC's name far too many times in what is essentially four paragraphs. A few "he"s would not go amiss. If you use the characters name just once even at the beginning of each paragraph, that could still be overkill, but would befit the first chapter as an introduction. I feel that I want more description, of his room, of Kaz, as your description of the girl is deftly done.

I have read the first three chapters, and I will read more. I hope that these points are helpful to you, not just for the first chapter but to apply to your whole work. Keep up the good work :)

Areeq,

What a creative concept and well thought out story! It could work as a television series or a movie in addition to being a great page turner. I think you could get away with "beefing it up" even more. Especially with the Jade/Kaz story. I was under the impression from the first chapter that they were an item or at least that he liked her. I think the line in chapter 17 about them "just being friends" could be moved earlier in the story and you could build on the tension between the two of them and the fine line between love & friendship. I think by having that line only a couple paragraphs before makes the kiss too obvious. It would be more rewarding for the audience if the tension has been building from the start and the cinema scene is the payoff!

I know this is a first draft, so what I wrote below, you will most likely catch on your next edit, I just know how easy it is to pass minor things over when you read and reread your own work. These are just some things I noticed, feel free to ignore them. :)

Minor things an editor should catch...
1) watch your tenses in chapter one, a couple places it went from past to present tense.
2) I end my sentences with prepositions (to, at, etc) all the time, we all do in everyday conversation, so most of the time it doesn't bother me, but every once in awhile sentences sound a bit off ending with an "at" or a "to".
3) There are some missing words here and there to look for (example: Chapter 3 "since he had come, Kaz..." should it be "since he had come HOME..."? It reads very differently the other way. ;-) -- Chapter 4 "even it was just coffee" ... "even IF it was just coffee")
4) (ch3) Sandwiches...it - if he had multiple sandwiches I think it should be "they" (I don't know how different American English is to English English...so some things I learned in school could be different)
--I got into it and didn't make notes again until chapter 14--
5) (ch14) "...was lay across his sofa..." doesn't sound right. Should it have an "ing"? (I'm terrible with Lay vs Lie)
6) (ch 17) advertises...advertisements?

You use the word "whilst" a lot, perhaps switch a few out with "while" ?

Hope this helps!
Take Care and thanks for giving me the opportunity to read your story! Great work!!

:) Wendy (Gwendolyn)
Breakaway